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The 3 BIG Don’ts
Unhealthy co-deps are deeply afraid of feeling abandoned by others, & don’t believe that have any options because they’re not worthy & believe they don’t have any effect on the world.
So if a N chooses us, we’re grateful, since we think no-one else will ever want us, then we’ll be alone forever if we leave.
2. DO NOT fall for the “poor suffering” N game
WHY? BECAUSE it’s a con-job – to get you to do all the internal work in their life for them, so they never have to.
Take the time to find out who they really are, before you commit yourself – emotionally, financially, friend-wise career-wise…..
Ask other people who know them a long time(especially ex-s), work with or for them, their siblings…..Pay attention to the Red Flags – what they’re telling you about themselves (every one does).
Also, how you feel physically & emotionally when you’re with them AND after being around them. Are you angry & drained? Do you look forward to their company, or dead it?
3. DO NOT try to save them from themselves
BECAUSE = a. You can’t & they won’t let you
b. their armor is too thick to penetrate
c. their denial is fool-proof (you being the fool)
d. their self-destructiveness is deep-seated
e. to ‘get better’ they’d have to be introspective & take responsibility, but NPDs never will
f. they love to destroy others as well
😱DO NOT underestimate the power of narcissism (N)
BECAUSE if you do – it will suck you in to being used in their clever but desperate search for “supply”: to get attention, control, power, sexual conquest, wealth…. Their hunger is bottomless, & the drive to ‘feed’ is so powerful that Ns will even betray people closest to them
With the most severe cases – the NPDs – minor behaviors may shift over time, but their underlying psychological dynamic lasts a lifetime. So hoping narcissists will ever improve is a delusion
✋🏼 DO NOT be confrontational….
….. about anything, or that they’re a N, if possible.
BECAUSE if you do – they’re likely to lash out in rage or punish you in some other way for exposing them. It can be total silence, or major gaslighting or more love-bombing to win you back & make you think they’ve changed. It’ll only keep you stuck in the abuse cycle
✋🏼DO NOT take them at face value
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be left holding an empty shell. All that glitters is not gold. Ns work tirelessly to present a perfect facade of superiority & certainty, to keep others guessing. Underneath, many (but not all) feel empty, insecure & illegitimate. Don’t mistake the mask as an indicator of goodness or truth
✋🏼 DO NOT expect empathy or fairness
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always be left hanging, or worse – keep getting re-traumatized, if you’re an ACoA.
Empathy comes from the assumption that everyone is worthwhile, deserving equal attention & compassion – which Ns do not believe. Their grandiosity & sense of entitlement eliminates consideration, fair-play or reciprocation
✋🏼 DO NOT try to beat them at their own game
BECAUSE they’re much better at one-upmanship than you are. Ns spend all their time perfecting a campaign of self-aggrandizement, carrying out more manipulative actions in a week than most people do all year.
Ns have a mortal fear of being humiliated & feeling inferior. So great energy goes into cultivating ego-boosting sources, at others’ expense
NEXT: Don’t do…. #2