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WHAT NOT to do with NPDs (cont)
16. DO NOT assume shared values
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be constantly confused. “Why did they do this or say that?” You can not use rational thinking & normal social rules to understand Ns. They operate from a different world view, & accepting that is the only way to deal with them for your sanity
17. DO NOT not give or receive money
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always get screwed. That includes:
– depending on them, accepting financial ‘help’ or moving in together
– making large purchases together, accepting large gifts
– signing contracts, such as a lease or business venture
– getting a pet or having children with them, if possible
There is no such thing as a ‘free lunch’ with an abuser. ANY financial (& emotional) ties to a N will only work against you in the long run. You’ll be the one paying, in more ways than one (POST: “N’s Financial abuses“)
18. DO NOT expect loyalty
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be continually disappointed & hopeless. Normals are stunned at how quickly & easily Ns dump a friend, lover…. when they’re not getting ‘fed’. Their shaky sense of self gives their needs a life-or-death quality, so they have to move on to a new supply (person) – fast. Ns use language as tools & weapons rather than to speak the truth. When they expressed undying love & faithfulness, they were lying.
19. DO NOT keep falling for their lines
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll end up trapped in The Matrix or Westworld. Notice how they say the same things over & over – about everything – even using the exact same words, like it’s on a CD!
You keep hoping you’ll get back to those early glory days when you were soooo happy with the N. But since that was a con job, it won’t. However, if you start getting wise & pulling away they’ll temporarily revert to an earlier charming ploy. If that doesn’t work – they may rage.
20. DO NOT accept their false accusations
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll become more & more depressed, isolated, self-hating, even paranoid. Their lies are often said behind your back, to your boss, with friends, even family, & especially to your children. Ns are emotionally dyslexic – shamelessly accusing you of traits they know they’re guilty of. They need to make you think you’re wrong & that they’re perfect.
21. DO NOT ask them for help in a crisis
BECAUSE if you do – you’re sure to be let down. It’s not unusual to hear horror stories from survivors callously abandoned or bullied by their N during the worst moments of their lives, in times of grief, loss or life-threatening illness.
A variation is Narcissistic Ghosting, when a N promises to help with a project or difficulty, but never shows up nor texts to cancel. Later they act as if they had never been thoughtless or disrespectful.
22. DO NOT let them confront you, without you having documentation
BECAUSE Ns are really great at talking in circles, lying, changing the subject & reciting all your faults & mistakes –
but NEVER any of theirs, so they come out smelling like a rose – to anyone who doesn’t know them.
Situations that you need proof for can include ; years of private manipulation, business & personal negotiation, physical & sexual abuse, harassment or stalking.
Documentation is imperative to resist their gaslighting & hoovering attempts &/or if you’re going to bring a legal case against the abuser. Don’t take phone calls. Sticking to e-mail, text or voicemail, but in-person meetings should always include bringing someone trustworthy with you as witness.
NEXT: DON’Ts – #4
