WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont)
✋🏼 DO NOT attend couples counseling with a NPD
BECAUSE it’s a scam to keep you hooked. Don’t be fooled by their agreement to go, since it’s bound to fail. They’ll triangulate with the therapist, be sooo charming or portray themselves as the victim, & use everything you say in therapy to further gaslight & retaliate between sessions.
Unwary therapists will address the Victim’s reactions instead of the abuse itself, & risk re-traumatizing the survivor. Since NPDs refuse to take any personal responsibility for their beliefs & actions, they don’t outgrow their patterns.
Many NPDs won’t even try counseling, totally blaming their partner. But if they do, it won’t last & then they can say manipulatively:
“See, therapy didn’t work – YOU’re not any better. So there’s no point in continuing”, OR
“It’s too expensive. Besides, the doc doesn’t know what he/she is talking about.” or when they quit, say :
“I tried, so you can’t blame me” (after only a few sessions)
And don’t talk about what you’re planning – especially if it includes leaving. It’ll just give them the time & ammunition to sabotage & then derail you, often getting ‘help’ from the therapist to do it.
🙀 🙀 🙀
NOTE from Dr. Ramani Durvasula
In reality, these last 4 points can’t always -OR ever- be avoided. So this info is to help you know what to expect, & prepare yourself & your Inner Child, using Recovery tools (12-Step meeting, literature, prayer, phone & text calls…. )
✋🏼 DO NOT attend family activities (yours or theirs)
BECAUSE it’s another opportunity to take you look like the crazy one or the b–ch. The N can too easily rile you up behind closed doors to make you seem unhinged or emotional to their family & friends, while they play the calm, collected partner.
To show others you’re not ‘the problem’ they’ve heard about, make sure you stay calm, smile a lot, tell about your accomplishments & only talk about facts – never emotions. And don’t complain about the N.
Vent your frustration & rage privately, in Program, therapy, your journal, in prayer…. Use these suggestions for the next 3 as well.
✋🏼 DO NOT attend get-togethers with the N
BECAUSE – among other things – it’s an opportunity for the N to triangulate by flirting with others in front of you, to get you to vie for the N’s attention.
The only ‘value’ in going – is to see how they interact with others. Attending social gatherings with the N. can cause much pain & a sense of alienation as he/she charms the crowd while devaluing you
✋🏼 DO NOT have celebrations with them
BECAUSE if you do – the N will most likely sabotage events such as your birthday, special celebrations or holidays. They’re infamous for ruining situations where you would be the center of attention & make you happy. If you have to ‘share’ these moments, make sure your support people are present as well
‘Special’ events also includes important deadlines, a work interview….. Do not let the N know when these are happening, since it means potentially losing power over you. They’ll deliberately rattle you so much – often using unrelated issues – that you may ruin it yourself!
✋🏼 DO NOT travel with them
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be shocked at how horrendous it can turn out. This is very familiar to anyone growing in an alcoholic family!
As adults, ‘dream vacations’ may initially be part of love bombing, but end up opportunities for the N to isolate & degrade the partner. Beside drinking alcoholically & triangulation with anyone, they’ll want to eliminate any witnesses – to ‘groom’ you to always expect verbal & psychological abuse.
Narcissists are notorious for abandoning their victims in foreign countries, making dream destinations a trip to hell, include the most special one – their honeymoon.