PREVIOUS : Parent ES #4

AT WORK
Continuing from ‘ADULT E.S. Part 3’, this chart shows how people function in organizations.

1. DAMAGING PARENT styles of communication are ineffective. The intended message sent to an employee is not understood, so whatever needs to be accomplished is less likely to be done, or done incorrectly

The ‘sender’ boss or group leader is not OK & so treats ‘listeners’ the same as themselves = as “Not OK”, or encourages them to make someone else “Not OK” (as scapegoat).
Because communication is broken, it can escalate to anger by more & more misunderstanding, or will stop altogether. In extreme cases the rift will be permanent. (‘Adult E.S., Part 2’)

a. Criticizing P.: In this mode we try to hang on to a sense of power & superiority by controlling through fear & intimidation. We talk down to others, not allowing them to share in decisions, sometimes even the actual work, or expecting too much of them, & always dissatisfied with their performance

We assume other people can’t do things as well as we can, except maybe a few chosen ones (who are like us) – but we never take responsibility for our own mistakes or ignorance. Then we can end up taking on too much of the workload, & get burned out

b. Inconsistent / Unavailable P : In this mode we’re not dependable, give incomplete or confusing instruction, & mixed messages, like offering praise one day & judging or ignoring staff / co-workers another day
Actions are seemingly random, depending on our inner turmoil, even leaning on subordinates to do the work for us or ‘hold our hand’ emotionally

At other times we may be silent, distant & cold. This style is often a copy of one of our parents, so we’ll might be indecisive, because of distorted thinking (CDs), & lack of knowledge or experience (Ts & As) and/or being moody, depressed, afraid of taking risks because of low self-esteem & fear of loss (Es & As)

c. Interfering / Over-indulgent P.: All 3 styles treat others as bad, needy & incompetent children we have to control – but here it’s done more subtly.

Just as the Interfering Adult thinks no one can do anything right in the practical / functional realm,
= the boundary-invading Parent believes no one can take care of themselves emotionally.
At work these modes put a great deal of pressure on anyone in charge, (boss / manager), often creating exhaustion, anxiety & depression.

Unhealthy Parent style
• People-pleasing – It’s the ROLE of the ‘parent who lets the children run the household’. At work or in other groups we try to make everyone our friend, don’t discriminate between safe & unsafe people, trying to over-compensate for the bad parents we had originally, & who are now in our head

• Rescuing – we see everyone as a ‘child who must be attended to in some way’. This controlling style looks like a benevolent care-taker, but actually imposes our own point of view on others. It’s an over-blown sense of responsibility, trying to meet everyone needs – like the ones we never got but are not allowed to give ourself.
👨‍👨‍👧
2. INTEGRATING ADULT is the effective way to  tell others “WE are OK” It’s the E.S. most likely to get the desired / intended responses or results from others that we want :
= info is received, necessary actions follow, & good relationships are developed or maintained.

It allows conversations to continue (now or later) if necessary & desired. Each person or group is able to hold onto their “I’m OK” position, whether they agree with each other – or not, or whether like each other – or not

WISE PARENT is the Supporting / Nurturing. In this E.S. we are caring & affirming.
= We can be helpful, guiding, mentoring…. without controlling or micro-managing
= We can be understanding & compassionate, without people-pleasing.
Pos. Physical: arm around shoulder as sign of support, pat on the back
Pos Verbal: encouraging statements “I’ll take care of you, you did really well, I’m proud of you….”

NEXT: The UNIT, #1

I CAN FILL THE HOLE IN MY HEART
by developing a Loving, Healthy Parent

PREVIOUS: Parent Ego State (PES), Part 2

PES = Parental ego state

AS ADULTS : PES CATEGORIES
1. Normative Parent (NoP) with either realistic or damaging guidelines, rules, punishments & rewards
a.  Positive NoP / “Counselor Parent” is strong, powerful, protective, principled. Provides appropriate boundaries & is comfortable setting limits without being disapproving or harsh – with self and others

b. Negative NoP / “Persecutor Parent”
✦ Treats the Inner Child harshly & tries to make it do as it wants – either to obey it’s own set of rules regardless of the benefit to the Child, or just treating the Child as its ‘whipping-boy’

✦ Towards others – react with judgmental comments that are arrogant, authoritative, condescending, critical, demanding, disapproving, judgmental, opinionated, moralistic…. with a lot of Do’s. Don’ts & little flexibility.
— At work, managers in the NoP mode are task oriented & can be dictatorial & exclusionary.

2. Nurturing / Sympathetic Parent (NuP) – who appropriately loves, cares for, provides for others.  Both men & women can be in the role of Good Parent, but it’s most often in the form of a mother-figure
✦ One of the NuP’s goals is to take care of the Inner Child – to sooth it’s troubles & keep it content, providing it with safety & unconditional love

✦ In terms of others – we will respond with reassuring communications, & behave in ways that are consoling, considerate, respectful, nurturing, permitting, protecting….
— At work, managers coming from the NuP are supportive & relationship- oriented, consulting subordinates & encouraging their participation.

HOW the Parent ego state (PES) is USED
1. INFLUENCING – operating internally
IF our early caretakers were loving & reasonably healthy, then our Inner Parent is positive, so we’ll treat ourself with self-care & self-soothing

IF they were wounded &/or toxic, the we’ll hear the Introject (PES) as a weak-scared or mean-angry voice, EITHER
👮🏽 in the form of self-criticism, causing feelings of SHAME, self-hate, self-doubt, a constant sense of being watched & controlled, not knowing what we want, think or feel, generating chronic anxiety and depression….
OR
👨🏽‍🏭 as outside criticism, always hearing warnings, judgements, demands, needs, rules, warnings …. from others, creating fear & a degree of paranoia.
Whether these come from real people or from ‘mis-hearing’ what’s been said to us, we usually don’t realize we’re projecting our own PigP outward.

This means that:
❀ when we stay with people who really are unavailable, selfish, mean, crazy…. we’re participating in a relationship that’s an external version of our PigP, a copy of our original abandoners / abusers
✿ OR when we have strong painful / angry feelings toward people who are just being ‘normal’ humans but happen to push our unhealed buttons – we’re making them into the PigP we carry in our head

2. ACTIVE – operating externally
This version of the PES is being the Bad Parent toward others, hiding the WIC behind a defensive wall. In this mode we function in the outside world exactly the way our family treated us, reproducing the emotions, attitudes & behavior of our original significant-others.

As above, this will depend on how we were treated as kids. Since most people are wounded, the ‘acted out’ (projected) bad voice will be coming from the Negative PES. The psychological purpose of treating others badly is to diminish the pressure & anxiety created by our Toxic Introject & the WIC. Letting it out on others feels like a relief from the ‘influencing’ voice that’s badgering us all the time.

EXP: When a mother screams at & criticizes her children (as -CP) the same way her father screamed at & criticized her when she was young – she gets momentary relief from her PigP pain without realizing she’s reacting from her Bad Parent ego state.

PARENT E.S.
When a person functions too much out of our PES, they’ll either be judgmental & finger-pointing, OR patronizing & overly solicitous

Someone with a strong (P) persona tends to focus on:
• the ‘right way’ of doing things based on the rules they believe in
• how they can have an effect on others (controlling or helpful…)
• not showing too much emotion, more self-contained
• put strong importance on how things are done (specific steps)

NEXT : Parent ES, Part 5

The CRITICAL INNER PARENT
can take up a lot of space!

PREVIOUS:
 Parent ego state (Part 2)

SITE :  The Child & the Seriously Disturbed Parent (Patterns of Adaptation to Parental Psychosis)

POSTS: “Rescuing”
“Healthy Helping”
” 5 Harmful mothers“

WHEN our most important caretakers are mis-attuned, invalidating, emotionally neglectful &/ or physically abusive – they create great anxiety in the child. The resulting desperation triggers an unconscious defense :
❥ the child identifies with ‘the other’ (the -CP),  taking on the character of the abuser & suppressing its own needs & identity, in an attempt to stay attached, bonded and loyal.

In healthy families the P template will have fewer discrepancies with reality, but —>
—->for ACoAs, this part of us houses the Negative Introject, also called Pig Parent, gathered from a collection of people who deeply influenced us as kids, & who we now carry around in our head.
It’s the voice the WIC is always listening to, who is terrified of displeasing, is trying to obey -perfectly- & constantly failing!

NOTE – kids pick up just as much subliminal information about the people around us just as much as what’s on the surface. AND what we absorbed was their WIC & PigP, which got mingled with our immature thinking.

🔻Along with our inborn personality, this combination (obvious & hidden) becomes the blueprint for the way to think of ourselves & how to function in the world.
So now PigP messages can be very hard to get rid of, since they’re linked to a great deal of original psychological & emotional trauma still held in the WIC‘s  ego state.

But since each of us also brings our own style to how we express P2, with Recovery, it’s possible to behave much better than our dysfunctional training!

For ACoAs, the Loving Parent (LP) – for ourself – is usually missing, but can be developed in Recovery as part of the “UNIT”.  It requires a measure of Separation & Individuation to be a self-caring, nurturing component in us, capable of empathy for self & others, & can therefore be of help without being co-dependent.
Whenever we notice the OLD voice getting loud or taking over we can ‘de-contaminate the bad Parent’ by calling on the Good P. to help get the Adult back in charge.

Interestingly, many ACoAs do have a version of a Loving Parent, BUT only used for others – in the form of care-taking, rescuing, people-pleasing, AND sometimes being of genuine help (teacher, nurse, leader, parent….) , yet don’t apply that benevolence & skills to our own needs

In RECOVERY the goal is to learn how to always talk to ourself in the best possible way. Harmful internalized messages have to be identified & replaced, & most ACoAs need help hearing what they sound like.
EXP: Sarah was telling a friendly neighbor some frustrations she was going through lately. The older woman was sympathetic, & thought she was helping when she said “You shouldn’t feel that way”. Sarah smiled & replied “I don’t ‘should’ on myself.”

REVIEW  :  Distorted or Missing Parent states
🔻Contamination ➡️
🗯When Parent contaminates Adult & C. is unavailable, the person is stiff, humorless, always ‘correct’
🗯 When Parent is unavailable & C bleeds into A, the person has no regard for others, & is only interested in self-gratification
🗯 When Adult is unavailable to mediate & guide P & C,  the PigParent & WIC are in constant conflict, potentially leading to mental illness

🔻Excluded Aspects
Shows up in stereotyped, predictable attitudes, clung to as long as possible in the face of any threatening situation ⬅️

a. Missing Inner PARENT:  boundaries & limits are not respected, person has a weak conscience, missing rules about how the world works
b. Missing Inner CHILD: the person has shut down memories of childhood, & emotions are suppressed, maybe psycho-somatic disorders – most likely victims of early severe trauma
c. Missing Inner ADULT: reality is ignored or denied, producing strange or bizarre ideas, in constant conflict, potentially leading to mental illness

(MORE Cartoons)

POSTS: 4 Parenting Styles //  Replacing Negative Introject  //   Healthy Rules / Rights  //   Self-esteem  //   Talking to the IC   //  What is Self-Control

NEXT : Parent ES #4

PREVIOUS: Ego States – CHILD -#5

SITEs: “Identity & Introjection”
▪️Psychotherapy with the PARENT Ego State

POSTS:  The Introject (PP)

Reminder: Ego states are normal internal parts of ourselves, aspects of our True Self that are supposed to work together for our benefit.

PES = Parental ego state

INNER PARENT
 PES (cont)
Review of PES PURPOSE
❥ To have a strong, safe, loving way to nurture oneself & provide a clear sense of direction in life, based on positive experiences in childhood
❥ To take care of & nurture the next generation, passing on knowledge & skill to help children develop a positive sense of self so they can contribute to society
❥ To express caring behavior toward one’s immediate society & also the world, wherever help is needed – teach, guide, support – to the degree that the person is realistically capable of

🏡 We’re in Parent mode when we evaluate things, make generalized statements about the world, look after ourselves or others. This is OK as long as it’s coming from a Good Parent voice, & the Adult stays in charge

1. Old / Historic ES (Part 1)

2. NEW Parent** voice
The experiences, emotions & instruction we got from family were taken in wholesale, without consciously considering whether we really agree with any of it or if it suited us. The PES is now our ingrained voice of authority, combining our native personality with our conditioning. It’s made up of a huge number of hidden + obvious mental recordings.

People from a reasonably safe family will have automatically formed a positive Inner Parent, with accurate rules & regulations, realistic knowledge about the world, knowing how to be appropriately kind, useful, socially appropriate….

But even for such people, as adults some of their parental messages will be out of date & need to changed or modified because:
• they’re no longer children, so some of those rules no longer apply
• in many cases society is different (role of women, technology, working
styles…), making some of the early info limiting or useless

**Our INNER Loving PARENT voice follows the ‘general guidelines’ for healthy self-care. It is a biological imperative that children require mental, emotional & physical attachment to maintain psychological health.
Some of the things we would have gotten in a functional family (there are no perfect ones) include the need-to-connect common to all children —>
BY:
• having thoughts, emotions, fantasies & our needs validated, so we can do that for ourself later
• providing realistic mirroring, which allows us to know who we are
• giving us opportunities to have an effect / make an impact/ influence others around us
• being listened to, our needs understood & accepted, & at least some of the time wishes / desires provided
BY:
• feeling secure with a safe adult who can be relied on to provide protection, like freedom from humiliation & physical violence
• receiving support & guidance, with physical closeness & positive shared experiences, such as learning & playing together
• opportunities to express our gratitude to & love for good parents & caretakers, received well by them as a sign of bonding & loyal

EXPRESSIONS of GOOD Parenting – PROVIDE :
Physical
✿ security = for child’s body & life. Shelter, clothes, nourishment, protection from dangers….
🌺 development = for physical growth. Includes good health habits, training the body w/ sports, games ….

Intellectual
✿ security = conditions for child’s mental growth. If their dignity is safe, with nobody encroaching on the child physically or verbally, then they  freedom have to learn. Includes bonding times, an atmosphere of peace & justice in family, a “no-fear, no-threat, no-verbal abuse” environment

🌺 development = Intellectual games, with opportunity to learn Reading, Writing, Calculating, & the laws of nature.
Includes Social skills & Etiquette, Moral & Spiritual understanding, Ethics, Values & Norms… contributing to the child’s beliefs

Emotional
✿ security = help protect & shield child’s fragile psyche in a safe environment, with Emotional support & encouragement. Includes giving a sense of being loved, needed, welcomed, by emotional attachment, caressing, hugging, touch….

🌺 development = give an opportunity to love other people & animals, to help siblings, grandparents…. Includes actively caring for / showing empathy & compassion to younger, older, weaker, sicker people.

TREAT YOURSELF in THESE positive WAYS! (+NP to WIC & +NC)

NEXT : Parent ES, Part 2

PREVIOUS : CHILD ES #7

SITE: REBT & CENT therapies, and
• 3 distinctions between them

PES = Parental ego state

Reminder: Ego states are normal internal parts of ourselves, aspects of our True Self that are supposed to work together for our benefit.

Main PURPOSE of P: The survival of the Species
a. For US: In general, the PES ego states allows us to function automatically, so we can respond to many aspects of our life without having to think about ‘How or What’ (how to behave in different situation, how to ride a bike or dress ourselves, what we believe, what comes next, what’s right.…). This saves time & effort, freeing up the Adult part of us to make decisions ‘in the now’.

ALSO – the inner P (P2) directs how we treat ourselves, both in inner dialogues & actions. When we ‘hear’ its voice, it’s either loving or abusive (+NP or -CP). Because its purpose is to tell us how we’re supposed to ‘nurture’ ourselves, we need to evaluate it carefully, to check it for toxic content, & then work to correct what’s harmful & reinforce what’s healthy.

⬇️ P1 in this chart indicates the stage when the ‘early parent’ (C’s P) is formed – from birth to about age five (review CHILD – Part 6“)

b. For OTHERS: It functions as PARENT to the next generation (our own children, & anyone else in genuine need), using a combination of our family experiences + our native personality + what we’ve taught ourselves.
The ideal parent is “all-about-the-child”, nurturing & protective

CHILD ES = “Archaeo-psyche” // ADULT ES = “Neo-psyche”

Inner PARENT Ego State (P.E.S.) ‘Extero-psyche’
1. HISTORIC (rooted in the past)
This ES is our Introject  – either positive or toxic, an internal picture of how we saw & experienced our real parents & other important care-givers when growing up.
Children are highly intuitive, with little antenna up all the time to learn about themself & how they’re expected to behave.
Since all children think they’re the center of the universe, they assume everything the adults do & say is about themself, which leads to a limited understanding of & sometimes distorted perspectives on the grow-ups

⬇️ P1 in this chart indicates the stage when the ‘early parent’ (C’s P) is formed – from birth to about age 5 (review CHILD – Part 6“)
P2 : Then the grown-up Parent ego state starts developing from age 5 to around 20, with continued input from caretaker & authority figures. After that, any time P1 in C2 (Parent in our Child) gets triggered, we tend to reacts just like our original role models.

EMOTIONS: Most of our emotions are housed in the Inner Child E. S. since we start out as children, & the first way we communicate, before we can talk, and The Adult E.S. is non-emotional
🔸But the Parent E.S. definitely has feelings – anger, compassion, concern, enjoyment, frustration, healthy pride, humor, joy, love, patience, pleasure…

DEFENSE MECHANISMS of Ego States (E.S.)
Defenses are maneuvers used by the subconscious mind to protect & serve our various E.S., which can become the way we interact with others & treat ourselves. Not to be used to mediate between conflicts in the subconscious part of ourselves (neural networks), & so reducing anxiety

While they are survival tools, they’re usually not good substitutes for healthy coping behaviors. When over-used & hardened into compulsive life-patterns, defenses become harmful, because they interfere with or prevent us from developing our True Self.

Healthy ADULT – We all need defenses to some degree, & when in this E.S. we use them sparingly & as benefits, in the service of the True Self, such as :
Altruism, Compensation (making up for a perceived weakness), Fantasy (imaging what’s possible or as pleasant diversion), Humor, Sublimation (channeling sexual energy into socially approved activities)….

Damaging PARENT
a. ‘Influencing’ – operates Internally, uses : Denial, Repression, Splitting, Suppression, S-H (negative self-talk)…. (see list of Defenses)

b. ‘Active’ – externalizing the PES, can use : Displacement, Projection, Reaction Formation, Rationalization…
ALSO :
If Parent excludes (ignores) A & C, one DEFENSE will be religiosity
 If Adult excludes P & C, it will be intellectualization
 If the Child excludes P & A, then it’s flattering pseudo-compliance

NEXT : Parent ES -#2