coaching

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

annoyanceHOW CAN A BENEFIT BE NEGATIVE?
I think you’re just messing with me!

PREVIOUS: Negative Benefits (Part 1)

 

 

Examples of
How NEGATIVE BENEFITs (N.B.) keep us from healing
a. NOT have to GROW UP, be responsible
PATTERN: Many ACoAs stay isolated, severely under-earning, unloved, unproductive, living in dirty, immaturecluttered environments, joy-less, suicidal…
OR focus all their attention on taking care of others, so they can look ok, the good guy/gal – but are also depressed, full of shame, self-hate & hidden anger

N.B. … STAY SICK rather than develop S & I, which is letting go of the symbiotic attachment to their cruel upbringing & becoming their True Self

b. NOT have to face OLD PAIN (life & death)
PATTERN: A woman was forced to take care of her filthy, violent, mentally ill mother from age 10, when her father abandoned them. At age 45 she finally put her mother in a home & promptly developed Scleroderma as a guilt/ stress reaction. Eventually she became bed-ridden, with excruciating migraines, barely able to make logical sense – although she had been an intelligent & talented artist.
She spent her last 25 yrs isolated, depressed, with almost no practical self-care, filled with shame about every aspect of her life.
Occasionally she was in contact with her father who had remarried another cruel woman. When he died at age 96 – the daughter went into a rapid decline & died alone, in less than a year…

N.B. … rather than emotionally re-experience & process the horrors of being an only child of a passive, depressed father & violent, psychotic mother (left the infant with souring baby bottles & soiled diapers…..)
Therapy helped diminish her self-hate, but she was never able to go deep enough to heal the rage, sorrow & loneliness held in her body

c. NOT have to feel LONELINESS Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 8.11.37 AM
PATTERN: Many ACoAs over-work, care-take, self-medicate with sex / social media / addictions, hanging on to bad relationships no matter how harmful….. One woman stayed with her very abusive husband for 35 yrs, until he died. Instead of creating a life for herself (at 62) – she too died – 8 months later!

N.B. … rather than face the emotional & practical stresses of being alone, having to feel the emptiness of loss and old abandonment, & having to care for herself, deal with finances……

d. NOT have to TAKE CARE of oneself
PATTERN: A competent, creative woman in her 50‘s developed chronic pain from an auto-immune illness.  on strike
Q. put to her: “Are you willing to give this pain up?”  Inner Child answered ‘NO’ – because = being disabled was ‘getting taken care of, legitimately’.  She was tired of doing it all on her own – carrying the burden of the Hero Role. Her Kid wasn’t allowed to be nurtured, but this way she could get practical help, be felt sorry for, lauded for soldiering on….

N.B. … rather than having to continue taking care of herself, which she’d been doing her whole life as an only child of a cruel narcissistic mother & distant, depressed father

e. NOT have to DISOBEY toxic FAMILY RULES
PATTERN 1: A beautiful, bright young woman in the big city was put under an unbearable family demand to continue rescuing her “poor, suffering mother & sisters” (who had always treated her cruelly) – by regularly sending them all her earnings.  Feeling obligated but very resentful, she made sure to only work at menial jobs she hated (under-earning) & live on as little as possible – so she could ‘honestly’ say she didn’t have any $$ to send!

N.B. … rather than say “I’m sorry, but I can’t take care of you any more, I have to live my own life!”, then face her guilt & their scorn (abandonment) – which had already happened, of course! don't disobey

PATTERN 2:  In his culture, a Native American man was taught that to be an active artist, one must drink.  No alcohol – no creativity! No argument! He always wanted to write plays & get them published, but got deep into alcoholism. Before it could kill him, he got sober.  5 yrs later he still hadn’t ‘picked up a pen’. He was stuck, & miserable.

N.B. … rather than go against (separate from) a national culture, not just his family – but the whole tribe!  Talk about abandonment!

NEXT: Negative Benefits (Part 3)

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

neg.benefitsYOU CAN’T MAKE ME GIVE THIS UP !
I’d rather be miserable than face that pain!

PREVIOUS: “They did the best they could”

SITE: 10 Worst Habits for Mental  Health

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

INTRO
Negative Benefits (NB) is a new concept for many people. A web search found nothing about this important idea.  When clients are asked what they get out of continuing a harmful behavior or thought pattern, they usually say “I don’t get anything out of it – it’s just what I know, a habit”.  They’re indignant that they’re even asked.  They only hear the word ‘benefit’ & can’t imagine that anything self-destructive can have a reward!

• Familiarity & habit are not the only reasons destructive patterns persist. The deeper truth is that we DO get something from hanging on to those old ways of acting & thinking – they’re a form of protection (defense mechanisms) against facing childhood issues that feel too terrifying to deal with.

So yes, they provide us with Negative Benefits. In reality the ‘protection’ they seem to offer comes at a high price – in grief, in more abandonment, shame, self-hate, loneliness, ill-health, bad relationships, depression, lost opportunities…. yet we protect them with our life, literally, until we do enodefensesugh FoO work to not need them – as much.
SO – to understand what Negative Benefits (NB) are, we have to start with:

DEFENSES
These are unconscious human psychological strategies our mind develops to protect us from having to deal with painful traumatic realities we can’t handle.
They’re also used to maintain our self-image – a mental picture of ourself we can live with, in the face of inner conflicts – between what we think we are & what we wish we were.

• Everyone needs defenses to manage. However, when we experience long-term stress as children our defenses become rigid armor & walls, which are hard to penetrate & hard to dissolve. They’re expressed in the form of Character Defects – self-defeating behavior patterns which can be seen as forms of Self-hate, SUCH AS:
😱 abusive behavior, being controlling, closed-minded, co-dependent, dishonest, isolating, negative thinking / pessimism, narcissism, perfectionism, prejudice, resentment, rationalizing, selfishness, self-justification…..(Immature)

• These T.E.A. patterns sustain our denial by protecting against old pain:
— (E)motional: our abandonment terror, deadly loneliness, murderous rage, profound hopelessness, terrible longing for the impossible….
— (T) Mental: a deep-level KNOWING that they weren’t there for us, &/or tortured & neglected us, which was potentially lethal & which the WIC still believes can destroy it.
So, no matter how self-destructive or lala a defensive pattern is – we will do almost anything to hold on to it – even in Recovery – because:

a. the WIC is in charge of our inner life, until we develop the UNIT, the Healthy & Loving Inner Parent with must replace the PP’s bad voice ( Introject)

b. AND, the kid is beyond-convinced that our long-time defenses are not as life-threateningly dangerous (bad for us) as what’s underneath, hidden in our unconscious

• REVIEW: dysfunctional patterns ‘protect’ us from facing what we consider unbearable knowledge (T) & terrifying emotions (E) from the past, as well as having to deal realistically with functioning (A) in the present. They represent Freud’s ‘Repetition Compulsion’, which is so evident in the lives of most ACoAs. Yes, the pain accumulated from childhood is bad, but not dealing with it cripples or kills us in so many PtraumaMES ways

➼ In simplest terms, the main reasons we hang on to the old ways with both fists, as if it were a life-preserver is:
1. because our brain has been programmed from birth, & those grooves (neural pathways) are very deep. It takes LOTS of knowledge, repetition, perseverance & patience to make new, stable grooves
2. since our WIC believes it needs the psychological negative benefits to survive – it will take a lot of time & effort to develop the new UNIT that can take over the reins from the WIC & PP.

NEXT: Negative Benefits EXAMPLES (Part 2)

“They Did the Best They Could” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

denial  PREVIOUS : They did the best … (#1)

 

First – Review Part 1

2. DENIAL : Re. US (cont.)
i. PROBLEM
We want to ‘forgive’ without going thru the process of healing!
• Most of our parents may not have been evil – although some definitely were, & some things they did are unforgivable.
And some ACoAs determined to ‘have it out’ with a parent or other abuser, or try to explain our experience & point of view. So we’ve tried, over & over, but got flat denial or more abuse. It’s been an absolute waste of time – they don’t want to know!repetition compulsion

➼ Motivation
WHY do we want to approach them about the pain they caused? Usually it’s because the WIC wants to do the impossible – change them, get them ‘to see’, force them to admit their culpability, OR just hurt them back….
ii. REALITY
• our WIC is still in deep shock. We need to identify & validate those early experiences before we can let ‘move on’. Until then, our life is run by our damage
• we are very angry at them. We need to feel it, but only in safe ways & places, away from them – with people who can hear our pain & don’t have a stake in shutting us up
• we need a clear picture of the toxic lessons we learned, so we know what to change
• we have to stop wanting our unavailable family’s approval & love, since they can’t because they haven’t dealt with their early damage, & probably never will.
As adults, some of us have a better relationship with parts of our family, but most don’t. We have to accept that or we’ll keep feeling devastated

• we can’t afford to exonerate them, to white-wash the abuse & neglect.  It’s what they taught us to do – to never hold them accountable.  SO now we don’t hold others accountable either for bad behavior, letting ourselves be exploited

➼ WHY is this this process important? Because – as long as we negate their responsibility, we take it on as ours.
We need to see the truth, not them, so we can stop copying old patterns (Freud’s Repetition Compulsion)

• This bears repeating – self-hate tells us we always cause all our suffering – old & new. This is a lie.  Just think – our parents were fully formed & set in their ways before we were born, no matter how young they were. We could not possibly have been bad enough as ages 2, 5, 10…. to warrant the neglect, punishments & accusations we got! It was their damage, their rage, their abandonment pain, their addictions, their anxiety – NOT US!

BTW, sometimes it’s OK to talk with family members – if they are willing, to ANSWER questions about :
— what they remember about us as kids, & their early experiences with us (be specific)
— about a parent’s childhood & life before having us kids

Also ASK our siblings what their experiences were in our family, & how they saw things back then.
It can be very helpful, because each kid’s experience is different, which can round out our understanding of what we lived thru.

• And ask parents to LISTEN to:
– what WE remember (good, but mostly bad)
– how we felt back then, and now
– what we needed & missed
– how we’d like to be treated in the present…..

….. BUT ONLY when we’ve done some rage work, to approach them with equanimity & boundaries, and without the expectation that they’ll change, understand or respond ‘sanely’!
It’s not about punishing them NOR getting them to see our point!
So – what would be the point?

✶ The main purpose is for the Inner Child (both wounded & healthy) to have our Adult help us become visible, to stand up for ourselves, to finally have our say, no matter what the outcome. We we voiceless as kids, but not anymore!
EXP:  After may years of Recovery, one woman sat at the kitchen table for 2 hrs, calmly telling her narcissistic mother what she’d learned about her childhood.
At the end the mother’s only comment was: “So you’re saying I should never have been a mother”.
“Yes” responded the daughter, unfazed & without guilt – even tho that’s not what she’d said or implied. Then they went about making dinner. Amazing!

NEXT: They did the best…. #3

“They Did the BEST They Could” (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

they did the best... 

YES, I WAS HURT BY MY FAMILY,
but they were hurting too, poor things!

PREVIOUS: Results of abuse – #2

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

1. GENERAL
This is a commonly used phrase – in & out of Program – mainly in the service of the speaker’s denial!
You may at first think this post is harsh or unfair, BUT please remember that everything our parents were  – WE internalized into our Negative Introject.
As long as we deny how harmful their actions were toward us – we will continue doing the same to ourselves, mistreat others AND let others mistreat us in many of the same ways! ( Self-hate’).

How is this phrase usually meant? That that no matter how cruelly, crazily…. our family may everything's OK ??have continually acted, to each other & us, even to this day – it was the ‘best’ they could manage.
It implies that they :
• used all possible resources to cope
• could NOT have done any better
• meant well, even if they didn’t show it
• really tried, in spite of falling short
• didn’t have any other options ….

In most of our families NONE of these are true – OR if true in part, it was a very small part – not enough to help us as kids!

2. DENIAL
a. THEM: This phrase is usually said by adults, about their parents – but only by people who had painful childhoods! You won’t hear a happy, well-adjusted person needing to even think this, much less say it!

The BEST they could? If our parents were verbally cold, controlling, cruel & insensitive, narcissistic, neglectful, not comforting, drunk, demanding, abusive, addicts, raging….  That was the BEST they could DO? Really?

NO. The most we could say is that they:
• chose the ‘easiest way out’,  just didn’t care enough to bother, or were self-righteous about their parenting style (“Spare the rod, spoil the child”) – anything to not take to look at themselves & the effect they had on their children & others
• did what any addict would (not just alcohol, but also food, shopping, raging, gambling, exercise, TV, sports, religion….) – everything possible to not deal with their responsibilities & emotions

• did what was done to them. Yes, but most never bothered to change. One mother, when confronted, kept saying – “But there weren’t any books about this stuff when you were little”! Except the daughter knew mom never bothered with anything deep, ever. She only read ‘Readers Digest” & watched soap operas! AND, there were some books, & people she could have asked to help. But she ‘was never wrong’!

• refused to get whatever help that was available to them at the time (AA & NO to helpAl-Anon have been around for over 50 yrs, psychologists even longer).  One mother admitted she wouldn’t be caught dead going to a therapist. Another was begged repeatedly by her daughter to go to Al-anon, but always blatantly refused

• were neglectful – some of us had a parent with a genuine mental illness – but others in the family denied the problem & did little or nothing to seek out solutions that were possible at the time, if not for the sick adult, then at least for us kids
EXP: More than one CoA was left alone for years to deal with a drunk, suicidal or psychotic parent

b. US: On the surface, when ACoAs say this phrase we mean the ‘General’ qualities listed above (from denial).  Under that, we’re really saying that we :
• can’t afford, emotionally & mentally, to admit how badly we were treated
• still believe we caused or deserved the terrible things they did / didn’t do
• “understand” why they acted that way, intellectually – so we don’t have to FEEL the hurt, sadness, frustration, rage, disappointment….

—–> And here’s the kicker:  we’re saying that – since “they did the best they could” – we can’t possibly be angry at them! Saying that we forgive them is actually our way of exonerating them. – not holding them accountable.

OK, so what’s wrong with that? Yes, it is the ultimate goal of mental health to let go of our anger, detach with love – or indifference, to forgive, outgrow our need for them… BUT…… (cont. in #2)

NEXT: “They did the best they could” (Part 2)

WHAT IS SHAME? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

SHAME IS OVERWHELMING
– all I can do is hide!

PREVIOUS: Shame – #1

POST: Emotional NEEDS….

SEE Acronym page for abbrev.

IN CHILDHOOD (Part 1)

IN ADULTHOOD
ACoAs’ core toxic rule : “DON’T HAVE NEEDS!”
We feel shame WHEN:
▪︎ anyone gets too close, emotionally
▪︎ anyone shows us kindness, respect, caring
▪︎ we do something a little foolish in publicScreen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.10.11 PM
▪︎ we allow ourselves to have feelings of love for someone
WHEN
▪︎ we don’t know something which seems common knowledge
▪︎ we don’t try to do something, whether we can or not
▪︎ we find out our expectations of someone are not realistic
▪︎ we try something new, & don’t get it right the first time
▪︎ we want to be paid attention to, but get smacked down or ignored….

ANY NEED that was ignored, abused or made fun of in the past :
⚡️ is now completely suppressed, so we’re not even aware of it
OR
⚡️ we’re vaguely aware, so keep trying to get it met, but only in VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL ways (obeying old rules, so it can be refused, punished, or have bad consequences),
OR
⚡️ we wait endlessly for someone else to notice the needs – as long as we DO NOT ask for it
OR
⚡️ we manipulate dysfunctional others into providing it for us
ALSO
⚡️ we can’t receive anything good without having to ‘pay’ for it somehow, even when it’s given freely & without strings !
⚡️ we mistreat, abuse or leave anyone who consistently treats us with respect & kindness
⚡️ we prevent anyone from knowing that we have needs, as we suffer in silence

RECOVERY from SHAME:
This a deep & long process, requiring much help from H.P. along with kind & knowledgeable humans.
We can:
✶ start by identifying all NEEDS, common to all human beings
✶ allow for emotional discomfort, be angry, confused, scared, face frustrating delays, have internal backlash, hear discouraging comments, regress to old ways…..
✶ continually give ourselves permission to HAVE these needs
AND
✶ identify actions & non-actions that prevent meeting them correctly
Live Long & Prosper✶ identify people, places & things who can help with this
✶ list actions to DO, to meet those needs
✶ list which ones were not allowed, in order of intensity
✶ patiently, slowly RISK changing old patterns

✶ NEVER STOP improving:
• never, never deny having needs, whether you can get them met – or not
• observe the results of your healthier actions, & compare benefits with old outcomes
• participate in any spiritual practice which fits
• replace inappropriate people & places
• read helpful material, attend suitable recovery programs or groups
• try out new actions to see what works or doesn’t
• validate & reinforce any improvements & positive results

GRANDIOSITY vs HEALTHY SHAME
• Unhealthy Shame ‘holds hands‘ with grandiosity, which makes us totally believe we can do way more than is humanly possible, or that we’re capable of / have the skill to do it. It’s therefore a defense against deep feelings of powerlessness, carried over from childhood

• Healthy shame is the reverse – the antidote to grandiosity (John Bradshaw : “Healing the SHAME that Binds You”).
It allows us to acknowledge & accept that we have realistic LIMITS & capacity, because of:
— being human, & therefore can’t be perfect
— not having been appropriately nurtured & cared for, in childhood
— our genetic inheritance, providing pre-conditions & tendencies for physical, mental & emotional capacities (pluses & minuses)
— our native personality, reacting to & molded by all our early experiences
— our socio-economic, religious & educational background / environment
Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.56.29 PMPositive – To have self-esteem, children need to be:
• admired & applauded for the things they do well
• patiently taught how to do things
• respectfully corrected for errors or lapses
• treated with patience for the things they cannot do, especially when it’s because they’re too young yet, but will be able to eventually –  or because they have a learning disability.
Screen Shot 2015-07-16 at 3.38.36 PM

Embracing realistic limitations does not mean that we can’t heal & achieve!
It does mean that we spend the ‘first half’ – or so – of our life repeating all the bad stuff we learned, & then spend the rest of it fixing the damage that was originally done to us.
It’s not fair – but it can be done!  THEREFORE: PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE !!

NEXT: “They did the best they could” #1

WHAT is SHAME? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


THE BAD SEED
I was born bad & I’ll always be bad

PREVIOUS: What is Guilt?

 

While guilt is mainly about negative actions,
SHAME is about our IDENTITY – about who we are, fundamentally.

🔹 It tells us that our very essence is bad, unlovable, unacceptable – to be eliminated. It makes us:
• want to hide, isolate, not talk, try to be invisible
• want to be dead! The pain of shame is so great & the conviction that we’re un-redeemable is so deep (not worth saving), that it eliminates Hope. Why bother even trying!
OR
• we overcompensate – by acting superior, controlling, out-doing, knowing ‘everything’, never showing ‘weakness’ (grandiosity), shaming others…..

➼ SHAME is connected to our NEEDs, rather than actions – specifically – each need we had as a child which was neglected, punished & made fun of.
Consider how many needs children have, & how many of them were met with abuse or not at all – you can imagine how huge our shame quotient is !!

➼ BTW, most of us focus on the need for love, & while it is crucial, the need for safety is even more basic! We can’t begin to take in love, even when it’s available, if we’re terrified.

IN CHILDHOOD:
a. Being Ashamed – Children admire, even idealize their parents when they’re quite small. They need to do this to feel safe – to know they can rely on those people to be competent & available to them. It helps to compensate for the child’s extreme dependence & vulnerability.
✶ In reasonably healthy families, children gradually come to understand that their parents are human, fallible, imperfect – BUT still basically trustworthy & decent role models.

● But in dysfunctional families, one or more adults act out their damage ⬅️ 
All of these & more, make children feel ashamed of their family (the chaos, the craziness, the cruelty) – & by extension themselves, as members of that group.
A sense of pride in themselves & their parents is eroded & shattered.
This is devastating. That feeling is then carried, like a canker sore in our spirit, into adulthood.

b. Being Shamed – Children in damaged families are:
▪︎ expected to know or do the impossible
▪︎ insulted about ones gender, looks, tastes, interests….
▪︎ punished, yelled at, hit, humiliated – in public
▪︎ pushed to do things when too young & then punished for ‘failing’
▪︎ teased & made fun of for many things  (anger disguised with toxic humor)
▪︎ treated unfairly, abused & then punished for crying, being upset or getting angry at the mistreatment
▪︎ yelled at, attacked, harangued – often for nothing specific or obvious

These & many other ways of shaming have been called soul murder. It represents parents’ lack of love & respect for themselves & so for their children, who stand in for their own Inner Child. Their dysfunctions negate / abuse the needs that all children have.
EXP of NEEDS : be paid attention to & heard, feel safe & loved, find out who they are as individuals, grow & learn at their own pace, know they can depend on their caretakers, look up to their parents, treated with respect, to LIVE, prosper & succeed….

➼ Many or all of these NEEDS became SHAMEFUL !
We conclude that if the adults hated these needs, then they’re bad (& us for still having them). So they must be suppressed, better yet Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.28.55 PM– eliminated, no matter how deep & persistent they may be.

EXP: After hearing the 4th Step in Al-Anon (“Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves’), one member suddenly realized:
☁︎ his #1 toxic rule was: “I should be dead !”
☁︎ most shamed need was for love. “ I thought that was my greatest character defect!
After all, the constant message was that he wasn’t lovable – so he must be a fool to keep wanting it – which he does, desperately!”

In Recovery he learned that this & all his needs were legitimate, universal & his RIGHT, & so he was able to reject the need to die, & could start loving himself.
(The 12-Steps – comments & videos)

NEXT: Shame (Part 2)

WHAT is GUILT? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

Man with tamI PLEAD GUILTY !
Since everything is about ME (isn’t it?)- it must be me, I’m always wrong

PREVIOUS: ACoA SiteMap

SITEs:  How to deal with Guilt Trippers
• 3 Types of Guilt & How to Let Them Go

NOTE: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POINT 1. Guilt (G) is a normal EMOTION, but not a primary one like fear, joy, sadness, love….
Since it helps preserve social bonds, a moderate amount of guilt is adaptive. Too much is crippling, repeatedly telling lies trains the brain to ignore feeling bad about it, & not having any remorse is psychopathic.
ACoA focus on guilt explained in Part 2

POINT 2. Guilt is the emotion mainly related to ACTIONS or NON-actions, but also to ‘unacceptable’ thoughts & wishes

POINT 3. General USES of guilt are for:
a. exerting influence – G is used by some people in close relationships to control another’s behavior (MORE….)
— the one with less power can get their way by guilting the one with more
EXP: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that / would do that for me”
— The one with more power can shame & punish the one with less
EXP: “I guess you mean I shouldn’t have been a mother” when told of old hurts

b. spreading out emotional stress – negative & positive sides of a ‘bad’ situation – acknowledging you’ve messed up, AND showing you care about that person or event
EXP: “If you (person A) feel guilty over not taking out the garbage, chances are your spouse (person B)–who wanted it taken out–will feel better knowing that. In this way, emotional equity is restored, because bad feelings in A are restored to B, who caused them,” (psychologist Roy F. Baumeister, CWRU of OH) Abstract Article

c. maintaining relationships – G depends on inter-personal context, a two-person experience, which can help make people pay attention to others
EXP: feeling bad about not keeping a promise, not spending enough time with loved ones, not responding to texts….
Given how uncomfortable guilt can feel, it can provide a strong motive to apologize, correct or make up for a wrong, & be more responsibly in future- BUT only if the mis-behavior is legitimate

‘Normal’ TYPES of G – in relation to actions, cause by:
a. something you did — wrong : that harmed another person, that violated your own ethical or moral code, or something you swore you’d never do again. In these cases, there’s no doubt it happened

b. something you didn’t do, but want to — thinking a lot about an action that’s against your own principles, or is dishonest, unfaithful, or illegal.

This kind of G can be confusing, with conscience poking a finger at you.
Since you didn’t actually commit the act (yet), & no one know what you’re thinking – you’re still on moral high ground. But obsessing about wanting to do something you know is wrong (for yourself or toward others) can make you very uncomfortable

c. something you think you did — A lot of present-day unhappiness comes from our own irrational thoughts about situations we’re in. Some people will be wracked with G if they’re convinced they did something wrong, even if there’s no objective evidence of that.

EXP: The magical belief you can jinx people by just wishing them ill, without acting on it. If something bad actually happens to them later, you’ll secretly think it was because you were that powerful!  At some level you ‘know’ that’s illogical, but it’s hard to give up the belief altogether

d. that you didn’t do enough to help someone — who you know is having a hard time or is sick, but you don’t call to check on them or help in some practical way.
OR – you’re already doing too much for someone, & you take a break or just stop, because you’re burned out (compassion fatigue). Continuing to act out of guilt will only drain you further & end up making you a less effective helper

e. that you’re doing better than someone else. It can be:
— adult children doing much better in life than their alcoholic / narcissistic family, or poorly-adapted immigrant parents, such as going to college, making more money….. even if they say they want their children to succeed

— the only person left in the family after some natural (fire) or social (war) disaster, often will feel survivor guilt, even though the event was totally out of their control. This can have Spiritual implications – they were meant to survive for a reason. 😢

NEXT: What is Guilt (#2)

SITE MAP of the ACoA website

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, HEAL & GROW for ACoAs, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

“HEAL & GROW for ACoAs”
80+ pages of great info!  

Go to http://www.acoarecovery.com,
& click on SITE MAP to navigate

 

ABOUT ME
Pg. 81-83 • Info, Background & Testimonials

ACoA SYMPTOMS
3  • Laundry list, 12 Steps for ACoAs
4  • Unhealthy Parenting
5, 6   •  Expanded characteristics
7  •  NARCISSISTS – characteristics
8  • Cognitive Distortions, w/ examples

ARTICLE
69, 70 • “Healthy Opposites- Change Behavior to Change Your Life”

BARGAINs WITH FATE
12,13 •  Intro & 5 Bargains  (from Shakespeare’s plays)

BLOG
87 • as of 7/15/10 — 16 entries

BOOKS
84,85 • Recovery Titles

BOUNDARIES (Bs)
39  •  Definition, Purpose
40, 41  •  Unhealthy Bs
42-44  •  Healthy Bs  (emotional, mental, physical)

CO-DEPENDENCE
45, 46 • Definitions; Unhealthy & Healthy

COURSE
55-58 • “Knowledge is Power: What Makes an ACoA” outlines

DECISIONS
72 •  Good  & Bad Approaches
73-74 • Extensive List of Personal Values
75-76  • Types of Decision Makers
77-79  • Decision Making Criteria (1-5)

DEFINITIONS
52-54 • Brief explanations of Confusing Terms

4 FAMILY ROLES
20 • Toxic Roles: Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot

EFFECTIVE RESPONSES
51 • Short & longer THINGS to SAY back to abuse or stupidity !

EMOTIONS
47 • Extensive list of emotions words
48-50 • Unhealthy & Healthy expressions/ uses of ANGER

FRIENDS
80 • Extensive list of characteristics

HEAD GAMES
9, 10 • 4 common games
11 •  4 more games, Expanded

INNER CHILD
14 – 17 • ‘Parent, Adult & Child’: Voices, Purpose, Characteristicssca0219
18, 19  • Developmental Stages, Memo from Child

LINKS
86 • @ Narcissists, etc.

NEW RULES
65, 66 • Healthy rules to take care of the Inner Child

RECOVERY
59, 60 • What it’s NOT & what it IS
61- 63  • Mental Health & Healthy Families
64  •  Benefits of Group Therapy

RELATIONSHIPS
23,24 • Issues & Beliefs
25-27 • Intimacy – Unhealthy & Healthy
28 • Love addiction; Power Plays
32 • LOVE – 5 languages, 5 Types
33 • TRUST – Who can, why not, How To
34 • Gay & Lesbian ACoAs
35 • M vs F ways of Responding
36 • 16 Men – by Myers-Briggs Typing
37 • Givers vs Takers

SAYINGS
67, 68 • Affirmations, Promises, Serenity Prayer

SEX & LOVE ADDICTION
29, 30 • Self-Diagnostic Qs

SEXUAL ABUSE
31, 32 • Survivors’ Symptoms;  Recovery

TOXIC RULES
21, 22 • Long & Short versions of dysfunctional childhood rules

WORK ISSUES
71 • ACoAs at Work; Healthy ways to work

NEXT: What id GUILT?

Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

separation I’M NOT  LONELY AS OFTEN
now that I have myself!

PREVIOUS: Recovery Loneliness (#1)

SITE: Stop being Lonely in Recovery

The middle A : ACCEPTANCE  (PART 3)
Recovery (Rec) Loneliness is part of the process, so it’s normal & to be expected (cont.):

4. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. re-evaluating all our relationships. At first we just become aware of the problem, slowly we consider leaving the most blatantly inappropriate / abusive people, then eventually catch the more subtle ways people are harmful, unavailable or just plain unsuitable for us, no matter how good they look ‘on paper’leaving

….. realizing that actual ‘leaving’ comes in stages too. Some people just drift away, some we have to have a talk with, some will not accept the loss & pursue us.
And then there are the relationships we’ll keep falling back into – even when we know they’re not healthy for us, because the WIC is not ready to let go of them, so we’re conflicted. When the kid is sick & tired of being sick & tired (being on the same page as the UNIT) – we move on, with little or no regret!

5. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. an increasing Awareness (the first A):
• of anyone one who is not ‘all there‘, We may live them & they may not be a bad person BUT they’re shut down, distracted, narcissistic, not available – fir us. We are truly alone with such people & we don’t like that anymore! (YEAH!)
• that we get confused when someone tries to ‘help’ us, yet we still feel angry, alone, lonely, misunderstood.
Screen Shot 2015-07-12 at 7.57.56 PM— Sometimes this is because the WIC is still not allowed to be helped by anyone, BUT more often
– we’re legitimately picking up that the solicitousness to help is tainted, because they’re controlling, narcissistic, people-pleasing or a rescuer.
We come to realize that it’s being offered for their benefit not ours. That leaves us alone – again!

• that in early Recovery we tend to idealize NEW support people or groups who are genuinely helpful, kind & gentle. This is the WIC experiencing them as the Good Parent, rather than just healthier peers. As long as we idealize anyone – we will be let down & disappointed when they don’t / can’t live up to our fantasies.

✶✶ However, for those of us with parents still alive – a very important & powerful Recovery experience is when we finally ‘get it’ that being with our unhealed family IS being mentally & emotionally alone – no matter how well behaved they may be with us in the present.
It’s not just our imagination or some flaw in us. It’s that they haven’t done the ‘work’ & are still shut down, still ‘active’, still self-centered…. so our connection is superficial. We want more, but they’re simply not available.dumping everone

a. Too fast – re letting go
When we first truly see of how unhealthy / harmful many of our long-term relationships are, some of us will want to get rid of everyone right away, & may start dumping our whole phone book.

If the phone list is very recent, that may be appropriate. But it doesn’t make sense to compulsively throw the baby out with the bath water.  Ending all old relationships at once – if at all – will be too jarring, leaving us bereft of any connections before we can replace them with more loving ones.

b. Too slowly : At the other extreme are those of us who procrastinate, taking too long to separate, especially those long-term relationships that were once important to us. We’re afraid of —
— being disloyal (even tho they are not worthy of it)
— hurting their feelings (even tho they rarely considered ours)
— losing some fun, good things about them
— the loss of our illusions about how badly they treat us, even tho we’ve always really known there was something wrong, but couldn’t admit it. It’s scary to realize how off our thinking has been.

NEXT: Recovery Loneliness – Part 3

Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

lonely with cat I CAN STAND THE DISCOMFORT
of loneliness because it’s not forever

PREVIOUS: Adult Loneliness  (#3

SITE: ‘Will I go crazy?”  re. loneliness

TWO STEPS FORWARD….
While all Recovery progress is positive, it’s never in a straight line & doesn’t always feel good – as much as we’d all like it to.  Instead, we move forward at a slow pace, often falling back into old ways & sometimes feeling discouraged, like we’re never going to ‘get it’.

John Bradshaw’s statement that a therapist’s job is to take a client “from their misery into their pain” (from Self-Hate into Abandonment pain) also applies to us individually on our journey thru Recovery.  We need to feel old wounds – a little at a time, & that includes Loneliness.
Is takes courage & perseverance. Recovery (Rec.) creates ‘opportunities’ for feeling lonely, which is a sign of growth as we leave old ways behind!

The middle A : ACCEPTANCE  (PART 2)
The following sources of Rec. Loneliness are part of the process, so they’re normal & to be expected:

1. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. separating from childhood damage (our ‘story’). Any form of ‘letting go’ leaves a temporary feeling of depression & emptiness – as it taps into our childhood sorrow & rage, intense fear & emptiness.
It means:S & I
• separation & Individuation (S & I) from the PP voice & our resulting S-H, the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles. These interlopers clogging our Inner Space have to be replaced with the UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult).

• gradually letting go of a variety of addictions. When we stop numbing the “hole in the soul”, the emptiness (lack of True Self) lets us feel how alone we’ve been

• outgrowing the compulsion to be symbiotically attached to someone, anyone, which then lets us feel how lonely it is to be with people who are wrong for us. It’s accepting that we all have to live in our own skin (‘existential aloneness’), which is healthy & normal. We do need others & especially out H.P., but not in a desperate, needy-child way.

2. Accept temporary Rec. Loneliness of…..
….. getting to know our IC (especially the Healthy one) – & building the UNIT. We gradually become aware that we do notinner child have a monster inside, but a deeply, desperately HURT CHILD (WIC).

The WIC may always want to be taken care of by someone else, so there’s a loneliness in letting go of other people as potential parents.
Guides, mentors,  teachers, friends…. are appropriate & needed, BUT not in a caretaker role. That’s for us to do, to become compassionate & dependable (trustworthy).
• Any form of dialogue with our younger self will gradually fill the emptiness. Book-ending with the WIC helps shift its focus from past to present-day reality.

3. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of..…
….. doing fewer & fewer self-defeating things. This can be very scary for a while, so we need patience & faith in the process because:
• it’s disorienting to function in a new pattern, until we get used to it
• disobeying the Toxic Rules can bring with it varying degrees of internal backlash, & sometimes very real disapproval or punishment from disobey rulesothers – mainly the narcissists

• it leaves us wondering who we are. We won’t completely prevent the PP voice from whispering in our ear, but at first, as we stop obeying it, we can feel confused & alone. We think: “Who am I without ‘them’?” if we’re not that Role or Persona we developed in childhood.
The WIC is afraid we’ll have no identity without the old familiar ‘self’, which is mainly made up of defenses.
In reality we were born with a personality all our own & need to strip away the False Identity to find that out.

NEXT: Recovery Loneliness (Part 2)