coaching

S & I needs a Heathy EGO (Part 1)

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confidence A HEALTHY EGO –
allows me to flourish

PREVIOUS: Healthy S & I – #2

SITES : “Ego Psychology”  / / Trans4mind

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

EGO is Latin for SELF!
It’s how Spirit expresses its uniqueness, so without Ego you -as an individual- would not exist. Therefore they go hand in hand. It’s “the Individuated consciousness of Infinite Being…. and a distinct personality apart from universal consciousness”, says Enoch Tan, in Dream Manifesto

To successfully S & I we need a HEALTHY EGO.  It’s the source of our overall physical, emotional & mental health, in relationship to ourself & with others. Modern psychologists often replace EGO with “confidence, self-esteem, self-awareness”.

➼ It’s unfortunate that most people misuse Ego to mean ‘arrogant, self-centered, conceited, limiting’…. & therefore a bad thing! Since it’s almost always incorrectly equated with the real problem of adult narcissism, its original meaning has been forgotten. We hear this in 12-Step programs, therapy, ‘spiritual’ literature, even from famous people – talking about the pitfalls of ego, such as ‘”The False Power of Ego’ by or on Oprah’s Lifeclass.

These labels are not correct. The ‘character defects’ being referred to come from the False Self, powered by our PP or WIC aspects. Neither of those internal ego-states have healthy egos!  🤔 Wounded people are said to have damaged egos, split-personalities have multiple egos & psychopaths have fractured egos. NOT having a strong, clear ego causes us to be victims or absers!

NOTE: AA’s 3rd Step says: “Made a decision to turn our will & our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him”.
In this context, the focus is on the word will. What will? Who’s will? ACoAs are afraid of this Step because it feels like volunteering for slavery to yet another authority figure – in this case the “ultimate” one.
It’s one reason why so many of us reject all religious or spiritual connection, or are drawn to paths that don’t include a specific God-person. The WIC is still functioning from the feeling that “God is an alcoholic parent” & therefore unsafe

• Before Recovery (& even during) ACoAs don’t have actual free will – no matter how headstrong, arrogant or genuinely accomplished. As long as we’re still run by the Toxic Rules & cognitive distortions & Toxic Roles – our will is not our own, controlled by the Negative Introject, which the WIC is passionately devoted th-1to.
So, the point of S & I is to find & express our True Self, by no longer obeying the PP.

• A NORMAL (healthy) EGO is the ‘eyes’ we use to see the world.  IT IS the :
🌱 aspect that lets us become strong, loving, valuable, contributing members of society, both at work & in relationships – the foundation for “emotional intelligence”
🌱 adult / reality part of ourself, the “I” that chooses what to think, feel & act
🌱 Spirit part that’s separate from our own thoughts, & from the Self of others
🌱 natural capacity for attention, concentration, memory, motor coordination, language & perception.  It is NOT something to get rid of!

• Ego is the part of the ‘psychic apparatus’ that works to achieve a balance between the id’s anti-social wishes & our personal standards, via the superego.  It prevents us from automatically acting on id-urges, while working to satisfy them in realistic & appropriate ways. This is done through a variety of defense mechanisms, in 4 levels, from worst to best: —-> Pathological, Immature, Neurotic, Mature.  (MORE…. )

According to Freud, EGO functions on the Reality Principle, ‘sitting’ mainly in the pre-conscious & conscious, but its strong ties to the id means it also interacts with the unconscious.
A Healthy Ego mediates conflicts between the demands of the:
• id – the chaotic, impulsive, hidden part of us, which is instinctive & totally unreasonable (young narcissistic child)
• superego – the incorporated values of family & society which become our own Conscience & Ideal Self (Loving OR Bad Internal Parent)
• reality – the person’s current social & physical environment

EXP: If someone cuts you off in traffic, the Healthy Ego :
✨ prevents you from chasing down the car & physically attacking the offender (altruism)
✨ tells you that reaction would harm you & the other person, which is unacceptable (identification), & that —
✨ there are other more appropriate ways of venting frustration, so is in control of your choices (sublimation)

Psychologist Kit Yarrow says: “A person with a healthy ego is able to see their flaws, learn from their mistakes and forgive themself. They allow others to know them, rather than only see their surface. Because they do – they feel loved. They act purposefully rather than react emotionally to stressful people & situations.”

NEXT: S & I – Ego, (Part 2)

S & I : Healthy Individuation (Part 2)

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freedomSELF-AWARENESS IS GRADUAL
and worth every step

PREVIOUS: Healthy I. (#1)

SITE: “The Way of Individuation”, by Jolande Jacobi, in article by Martha Blake
POST: ‘Autonomy & Attachment’  
See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

Field-INDEPENDENT (F-I) – having a reasonable amount of S & I  (opposite of Field-dependent = F-D)

HEALTHY / normal : Individuation is inner-directed, mainly providing a sense of Self, & value from our own unique nature, not just from heredity & social training, nor from how others see us.   People become F-I gradually, finding out what they think & how to act, based on ‘rigorous honesty'(from AA), staying awake (mindfulness) & compassionate self-evaluation

• Being internally motivated gives overall psychological & physical health : (T.E.A.)
T: improved conceptual & creative thinking, superior memory recall
E: pleasant emotions (& ability to handle painful ones)
A: enhanced performance & willingness to engage in a wide variety of tasks, minus cognitive distortions

There’s a valid correlation between F-I and IQ. The most original, creative & outstanding people ‘march to their own drummer’.  But expressing one’s highest potential isn’t limited to an elite group – it’s available to all humans with the courage of their convictions

CHARACTERISTICS
• Our True Self is a combination of F-I & F-D, grounded in self-esteem. Introverts are more naturally inner-directed, but most do not have a healthy Self. So Introversion & being FI are not synonymous

• While Extroverts are naturally outer-directed (not other-directed like F-Ds) they need to be emotionally healthy to be F-I . Since that comes from having good boundaries & permission to have all ones needs, it doesn’t limit or undermine the degree of Individuation anyone can achieve

• F-Is have the ability to focus on details in their environment in spite of the clutter of background ‘noise’, & can extract what they need from non-relevant items within the field (as in: “pick the item in this picture that doesn’t belong”).

• They’re able to create structure even when it is not inherent in a given situation, tend to be more efficient at retrieving items from memory, framing current experiences & info on the basis of prior knowledge

• They learn more effectively by screening out distracting information to focus on a task. Often favor natural sciences, math, engineering – but not exclusively.  ALSO, they can step back to see the whole forest (background) not just the tree in front of them

• F-Is have successful relationships with others in many different settings. They don’t wait to be chosen but are pro-active about who they want to interact with, & how. They can stay or leave, depending on what’s suitable for them, or not, rather than by people-pleasing (= passive) or being controlling (= aggressive)

STAGES
Individuation is the development of the mind / spirit, which matures in much the same way as the physical bjoin oppositesody.  It unites opposites in ourselves – good & bad, light & dark, male & female. A number of Jungian psychologists list this process in 4 stages, each with its dangers to be avoided, & each with rewards:

• Becoming conscious of the Shadow
Facing our ‘dark side‘ – things we’ve repressed or ignored. Just as the Persona is what we present to the world, so Shadow holds all the things we want to hide from others, but mainly from ourself

• Becoming conscious of the Anima or Animus
This has to do with sexual wholeness.  Anima is the ‘inner femininity’ of men & Animus the ‘inner masculinity’ of women. Jung (1978) wrote that they represent “functions which filter the contents of the collective unconscious through to the conscious mind”, coloring the Ego’s perception of Self & others in many different ways

• Becoming aware of the Archetypal spirit.
This is about uniting matter & spirit, body & mind – facing both the good & evil we’re all capable of.  It’s also about liberating us from our same-sex parent.  For men the archetype is the ‘Wise old Man’, & for women the ‘Magna Mater’, the great earth mother.

• Becoming conscious of the Self
Jung (1977) called this final step ‘self-realization’. Jacobi (1973) wrote: “For the conscious personality, the birth of the Self means a shift in its psychic center, and consequently an entirely different attitude about & toward life”.  (MORE….)

NEXT: S & I – Healthy Individuation (Part 3)

S & I : Healthy Individuation (Part 1)

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healthy S & I THE REAL ME –
is unique but not alone!

PREVIOUS: S & I  – Lack of Individuation, (#2)

SITE: “Extroverts & Introverts…”

 

INDIVIDUATION
Carl Jung believed that the nature of humans is to constantly develop, grow & move toward a level of completeness, which can only be done from the inside (opposite of co-dependence). In the past, mystics called it “the ascent of the soul, the alchemy of the soul ” or Enlightenment.

• Individuation is the process of searching for our True Self – our essence & goal of life.   It’s the progressive development of our own voice throughout life, by trial & error, which involve many successes as well as failures & frustrations.
Just like Separation – Healthy Individuation includes keeping our attachment & connection to others (children & parents, mentors & protégés, friendships, mates….) in a delicate balance, without enmeshment or fusion

• In “Self-Actualizing needs“ terms, Individuation is to ‘own’ at least 51% of ourself, by having combined Ego & Shadow, & therefore freeing ourself of the Superego’s tyranny (Negative Introject).
The rest – 49% – is made up of heredity + all our family & social experiences, traditions & religion.
And, because Individuation is ongoing, there’s a periodic need to return to earlier developmental stages – to heal deeper & deeper layers of unfinished business. At the same time, the closer we are to our Real Self, the more INternally motivated we become.

• Successful Separation & Individuation requires an intact Ego – the center of our conscious awareness. It provides a sense of uniqueness, and also lets us know that we’re just like all other humans – part of a larger whole.

In Jungian terms, the Self is the main archetype in the Collective Unconscious, needed for order & organization, unifying different aspects of personality. Therefore it’s of a higher order than Ego – made up of both conscious (ego = public face) & unconscious (shadow✶ = primitive impulses such as selfishness, greed, envy…..)

✶ Shadow :  For Jung, both constructive & destructive forces exist in the human psyche, requiring psychological integration. To become fully actualized – at the top of Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs”- we have to be aware of & accept all our parts.
NOTE:
Ironically, for ACoAs, much of what also gets shunted off into our Shadow are the good parts of ourself which were not accepted or allowed in our family & society! EXP : Having normal human needs such as wanting attention, intense emotions, our own way of thinking & doing things, being heard & respected…. These were punished or so controlled that we end up forgetting them OR hating ourself when they surface

• Jung believed that we don’t suddenly make a conscious decision to free ourself from the herd, with its well-worn paths, in order to go our own way – ie. to Individuate.
Instead, the deciding influence is an irrational factor he called “vocation – like a law of God from which there is no escape”. It’s the Ego’s response to a call from the unconscious to express our core self , whether we like it or not

• Based on personal & professional experience, he concluded that Individuation happens in the second half of life, when people reach their goals & suddenly find themself facing an unknown possibility or unexpected upheaval.
This turning point usually is a crisis in mid-life (not necessarily something bad), that upsets the status quo, causing a shift in perspective :
new way– a financial failure    – health problem
– broken relationship or death
– change of residence or profession
OR
– a message from powerful dreams & fantasies, creating —
– deep yearning or “call” to change direction
– profound self-doubt, loss of meaning or religious conviction
– questioning everything previously held as important, valuable or precious

• Then the essence of the personality moves from Ego toward Self, trying to form a new center. Parts that were ignored or under-developed (interests, talents, characteristics, experiences, issues…) may ‘suddenly’ want to be acknowledged
What was:
– fragmented now strives for unity  – broken now yearns for wholeness
– neglected now seeks expression   – formless now starts to take shape

While these changes can be very surprising & uncomfortable, shifting the ground under us, we intuitively recognize they fit our deeply truth

PS: Many psychologists now argue that while Individuation may be a natural outcome of age & experience, it can also be brought on sooner by deep therapy, but it’s mainly considered a life-long journey, which starts soon after birth.

MASLOW's needs

NEXT: Healthy Individuation (Part 2)

S & I : Lack of Individuation (Part 1)

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taken care of  I WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME – rather than “grow up”!

PREVIOUS: Separation – #2

HEALTHY Individuatopn – in future posts

DEF : Individuation “is the process of self realization, the discovery & experience of meaning & purpose in one’s life. It’s the means by which one finds oneself & becomes who one really is.
It depends upon the interplay & synthesis of opposites e.g. conscious & unconscious, personal & collective, psyche & soma, divine & human, life & death.” (Carl Jung)

INCOMPLETE / DAMAGEDshut down Es
Damaging parents interfere with the Individuation process in many ways, including preventing the child from having a wide range of emotions – such as when only one or two are acceptable (only happy, only scared, only angry…) OR when any expression of E. is ignored or punished.

A study from Belgium looked at the effect of parental dysfunction on 20-Something adult-children, studying 2 extremes – unhealthy independence (achievement demands) & unhealthy dependence (dependency demands). Over all, when psychologically controlling parents ignore their child’s needs using manipulative tactics (guilt, shaming, love withdrawal) to pressure the child into meeting the parents’ standards – it causes anxiety, depression & perfectionism in the child.

Parents who used intrusive tactics scored high on:
• dependency-oriented control (DPC) to keep children physically & emotionally close, not allowing them take independent actions, so they end up feeling threatened & anxious when being on their own
OR
• achievement-oriented control (APC) to make children reach the parents’ goals of individual performance, where love and acceptance are based on meeting strict rules of accomplishments.
These children become self-critical perfectionists, obsessed with showing off personal ability, while ignoring their need for closeness, preventing satisfying relationships

RESULT : We learned to shut down most Es – which would normally give us subtle but definite internal cues about what’s right or wrong for us. Being cut off from our Es, we’re  –
— deprived of the ability to reflect on our internal process
— confused,  procrastinating & can’t trust our feelings
— AND decision-making becomes very difficult or distorted

a. One extreme damage is when a child is forced to function prematurely from an out-of-order later stage of individuation, like ACoAs who had to be ‘little adults’ (as a parelittle adultnt’s confidant or rescuer, or someone’s object of sexual attention).
This can turns a child INTO:
i. an arrogant ACoA adult with an over-developed, inflated False Persona, that prevents or severely slows down self-examination & emotional growth

They can function quite well as long as they’re in familiar settings, but miss genuine spontaneity, the ability to let go of control, even to the point of being unnaturally rigid, lacking zest or authenticity

Others people can be taken in by their ‘so together’ exterior. But hidden under that surface there’s a lack of personal development – a very unhealthy WIC – which mainly shows up in private, as unavailable & harmful mates & parents
OR INTO:
ii. an isolated ACoA adult, going to work every day, maybe even being in the helping professions, such as nurse, social worker…. or trapped with an addict spouse, a severely disabled child…. whether have to take care of. They continue playing out the Hero-rescuer role, but constantly second-guessing themself, & are plagued by relentless anxiety
like father....b. At the other end of the spectrum are the children who were bullied, browbeaten & brainwashed into buying every aspect of their family & social culture – with no room to breathe. They conformed to the dysfunction from a combination of their natural personality (more compliant OR most like the parents), and from a deep terror of being punished for disagreeing

• They too grow up without knowing who they are as individuals apart from their training, so they’re out of touch with even their most basic tendencies, dreams, wishes. Many will continually react to everything & everyone like a child, emotionally & mentally, without realizing it

Unfortunately they blame themself (S-H) rather than correctly identifying the source of their lack! However, adults in this category are more likely to seek out therapy & recovery, because they know they’re incomplete, feeling lost, stuck & unhappy.

NEXT: S & I – Individuation #1

S & I : Separation (Part 1)

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hanging on to momSEPARATING FROM THEM
is good for me and them!

PREVIOUS: Lack of Individuation

POST: ‘Symbiosis & ACoAs’


See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

QUOTE: “The successful process of Separation is the source of our personal autonomy, our independence, our ability to assert ourself and our capacity to make choices.”    From The Ties that Bind, the Ties that Strangle

A CHILD’S BRAIN
Adult life is influenced by infancy in spite of our inability to remember that far back.  In “Why Love Matters: how affection shapes a baby’s brain”,  Sue Gerhardt considers how the mother-child relationship creates the baby’s nervous system, with lasting consequences, affecting our future emotional well-being.

Research on early brain development showed very early signs of brain differences between children from low-, middle- or high-income families. For those raised in high-stress environments, the study found less growth in the hippocampus (memory), amygdala (involving emotion understanding), & frontal lobes (dealing with attention, language & self-control. (More…)
FINDINGS:
• “… foundations are built during pregnancy & in the first two years of life… This is when the social brain is shaped, the emotional style & emotional resources are established”

• “… a poorly handled baby develops a stronger stress response & has different biochemical patterns from a well-handled baby…”
• “…. babies of agitated mothers may stay over-aroused & have a sense that emotions explode out of them, but that there’s nothing to be done about it.
• “….. well-managed babies come to expect a positively responsive world”   ( CHART  ⬆️ )  (also Teenage brain)

CHILDHOOD
♢ Separation = the internal process of the child’s mental separation from the mother.
♢ Individuation = a developing Self-concept
Margaret Mahler ‘s interest in the developing ego focused on its growth within the context of Object Relations.  This refers to the way an individual’s interactions with another person comes to be represented in the mind, & then is internalized as part of the Self.

terrible 2sIn the normal Separation process -forming psychological limitations & boundaries allows the infant to experience itself as separate from the mother.
But this is only possible if the infant is absolutely secure in its attachment to the caregiver during its first year of life, AND then begins to develop enough of a capacity for autonomy, self-reflection & self-reliance, normally by age 2.

Ideally, for this to happen the mother would have to be able to accurately, consistently respond to the child’s internal emotional, mental & physical needs, at the right time & in just the right amount – using intuition & common sense. A big job!

• This experience of total safety would allow the child to form a stable emotional core, as it recognizes & accurately interpret its mental & physical experiences (touch, talk, play….), which are then organized & grouped into loose patterns by category.
The first act of separation occurs during the ‘terrible 2s’ when children hit on the idea of “no.” They are exercising a natural instinct to be unique, but while they may be annoyingly persistent, they don’t yet have the power or autonomy to enforce it.chase 2 yr old

As children grow they can put more power behind their “NOs”, which sometimes includes doing fun things, at other times potentially dangerous ones. It’s all part of the Separation process,   but it’s hard even for heathy parents – who love & want to protect their children – to let them take the risks that NOs imply, having much more reality-knowledge of consequences. (MORE…. Saying YES to oneself)

▪️Providing this freedom is even harder or impossible for dysfunctional parents to provide, who have their own S & I, FoA & power/ control issues! In this case, it’s not about loving & protecting their children, but rather trying to stifle their own anxiety!

ADULTHOOD
Well-differentiated families, with good S & I & therefore are non-symbiotic, have the flexibility to balance the need for connection & stability against the need for each member to also have autonomy.
Negative : Separation does not mean giving up the close attachment we have with parents or other people, nor having to be geographically separate.
Positive : Separation does mean that we recognize we’re not the same as our beloved significant others, that we react & think differently, AND that it’s OK!

NEXT: Separation #2

Separation & Individuation (Part 2)

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TO BE MYSELF –
 I need to let go of them

PREVIOUS: S & I – Intro, Part 1

SITES: Lack of Object Constancy (causes Narcissism & other Personality Disorders)

BOOK :  “Don’t Try This Alone: The Silent Epidemic of Attachment Disorder” by Kathy Brous, who ” ….. accidentally regressed myself back to infancy and healed it all.” Includes interview with Goldie Hawn & Dr. Dan Siegel, about the brain & Attachment Disorder, from lack of Object Constancy in childhood.

S & I DILEMA – every child’s internal conflict is between wanting to crawl around to explore their world, and needing to know they can always stay close to a safe, available mom. This continues – as adults – wanting our needs to be met (by someone else) AND wanting to have personal freedom (autonomy). This dilemma is intensified for anyone deprived of original mother-infant symbiotic safety.

If we only think in terms of either being dependent or being independent  – we put ourself in a bind. We assume that:
EITHER
• that staying emotionally dependent, leads to the fear that if we speak up & express our True Self we’ll ue hurting the other person or making them mad – so, losing the connection with them
-OR-
• that being independent means always being serious, being alone, not having fun, taking on responsibilities that we don’t feel ready for, being burdened or trapped …..

✶ However, genuine maturity (inter-dependence) includes a balance of these two ongoing needs. How much of each category will vary from person to person, & can even vary from day-to-day!

🚴🏻‍♂️ SEPARATION – for ACoAs in the present it’s about unhooking ourself from the addictive symbiotic attachment to our dysfunctional family. This separation is not mainly physical, although sometimes that too is necessary, but rather has to happen inside of us.

🚀 INDIVIDUATION – the transition from our family’s ways of viewing the world & defining us as a person, to become fully the True Self we were born as, but didn’t originally get to know or weren’t allowed to develop.

S & I  – Growing up actually means shifting away :
–FROM– the FS which is controlled by our inner parental sub-self (Introject)
–TO– our True Self. This gradually happens as the WIC realizes that it can rely on the ever-present Healthy Core which has actually gained a great deal of knowledge & wisdom over the years.
Our developing ‘UNIT’  (Healthy Adult & Loving Parent) is quite capable of being an effective internal leader & caretaker of the Child in a wide variety of situations, once we access all that accumulated experience.
Keep saying: “I know what I know”! Book-ending helps to make this shift.

DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS Theory (Robert Havighurst)
Development is continuous throughout a person’s entire life, in stages. Being able to move from one stage to the next comes by successfully solving a problem or by accomplishing certain age-related tasks, common to the majority of people in their culture.

Tasks at each stage are influenced by
• biology (physical maturation, genetic makeup)
• psychology (personal values, goals)
• sociology (child’s specific culture) CHART

ORIGINS of S & I Theory describes how people develop an identity – pushed by biological urges & pulled by socio-cultural forces.
🚦🚥 Repeated disruptions in this all-important process usually results in great difficulty creating & maintaining a reliable sense of Self in adulthood.(Margaret Mahler (1897 – 1985)

The S & I  CYCLE – phases
Normal Autistic: (first month) Mahler eventually abandoned this phase based on later infant research, leading her to believe it doesn’t actually exist – but it’s still included in many books
Normal Symbiotic : (0-5 mths) when the child is fused with the mother, & together they’re separate from the rest of the world. The infant is aware of its mother, but has no sense of individuality, with a barrier between the two of them & the rest of the world

S & I (6-24 mths), the infant begins to break out of the ‘autistic shell’ of self-absorption, into the world of human connections
• Separation is the start of breaking the fusion with mother, developing limits, & the infant’s sense that there’s a difference between the mind of the mother & its own
• Individuation is the development of the infant’s ego with a sense of identity & cognitive abilities (thinking), leading eventually to the formation of it’s own unique character – if allowed!

NEXT: S & I (#3)

Separation & Individuation (Part 1)

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family tree TO STAY ATTACHED OR NOT – how can I be truly safe?

PREVIOUS: Symbiosis #3

POSTs: Autonomy & Attachment

SITE: Object constancy (vs object permanence)

BOOK re. S & I:‘‘The UNFOLDING SELF”  by Mara Sidoli

The mental health goal of personal development IS to grow into our True Self, & being Individuated comes from knowing we’re a Separate being from everyone else.

Normal DEPENDENCE
As children we are all dependent on the ‘kindness of  strangers’ (parents / caretakers). This makes us vulnerable to their personal, social & religious training, so children are either nurtured & loved OR abused & neglected.  Even those of us who had an outwardly ok family experienced abandonment in ways that others can’t see from the outside.

As adults, IF we were originally victimized at home, we have the illusion that if we now stay dependent we’ll finally taken care of, making up for the past. However, the tradeoff is to give up adult rights – to have our own opinions, make our own choices, follow our own destiny.

Healthy INDEPENDENCE
To be individuated, we need to have a sense of independence from others, without isolation.
French aristocrat, writer, poet & pioneering aviator Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, “I know but freedom of mindone freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.”  We can say that the root of independence lies in our ability to think freely, since to a large extent, our thoughts determine our feelings, actions & experiences.

• Some expressions of independence are : being competent, having our own unique voice, acting autonomously in the world – while still being able to consider the differing ideas & feelings of others. It allows us to stay connected without being symbiotic.

Object Constancy: To develop healthy independence, first the child would have needed a genuine connection with dependable, competent & emotionally available caretakers, starting with a psychologically healthy mother.
🌺 That would result in the ability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy & reliable, especially when out of the our immediate field of vision.

THE GOAL of all therapy & other types of Recovery is Separation & Individuation (S & I), the struggle to become an adult**. This can only be done by clearly identifying & expressing who we were born to be, as part of our genetic & social heritage, yet not a carbon copy of anyone else. Children from healthy families are allowed this process while growing up, so they don’t have to go thru the stress of this particular type of ‘letting go’.

**Many ACoAs balk at the suggestion that we have to grow up (become an adult), because —
✓ the WIC doesn’t want to give up being in charge. This ego state has allowed us to survive thus far – but with severe limitations. Having to rely on ourself, way too early, gave the WIC the only sense of power it has ever known & won’t relinquish it easily

✓ we equate being an adult with being like our drunk & narcissistic parents – mean, weak or crazy.  They were acting out of their Bad Parent & WIC, but never from a Loving Parent / Healthy Adult state.
Of course we don’t want to be like them – BUT we are, in the way the False Self was formed, using the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles.
So we can’t look to them for a model for valid adulthood!

S & IThe False Self (FS) is made up of two or more sub-selves that develop from childhood damage – as the only way to survive at the time. These well-meaning but wounded, comfort-seeking persona usurped leadership from our naturally talented True Self (TS).

The FS is not just the mask we present to the world, it’s what we now assume IS us, the only Self we’ve ever known.
As the various FS aspects formed, they disabled or stunted our TS, preventing our wise brain/body’s ability to make instinctively natural, holistic mental-decisions & action-choices, so that what we truly think, perceive, feel & how we act – are distorted or hidden.

• These sub-selves (FS) have tried valiantly to manage under extremely difficult conditions, & we can appreciate their efforts for our survival.  However, they no longer serve adult needs, so we can’t afford to let them continue ruling our life.
In our ‘language’, it means not letting the WIC be in charge anymore, by growing the UNIT.
(⬆️ CHART modified from “Break the Cycle”)

NEXT: S & I (#2)

SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs (Part 3)

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 PREVIOUS: Symbiosis & ACoAs (Part 2)



SEVERE version of Symbiosis
CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL – is all about keeping someone or something in a symbiotic lock. For many ACoAs, the early wounds are so deep that we’ll symbiose with a wall, because at least it will hold us up! Or with a book, a chair, even the corner of a sofa – if it makes us feel cozy & safe – for a little while

Fantasy can serve the same purpose – the one person in the office who doesn’t notice you, a movie star, professor, guru, …. AND of course we can be in fantasy about the person we’re currently with, assuming they have qualities that will soothe our anxiety

• The hunger for a connection with someone who is our carbon copy & therefore can’t leave us, is so great that NO differences are tolerated. When the other person has their own need, taste or opinion, they’re not mirroring us (perfectly) & without that we don’t know who we are. Without that reflection it feels as if we’re going to die – that we’re invisible & therefore non-existent hole in soul

The WIC is absolutely sure that our very life depends on that false bond, because the HOLE inside (scroll way down) – where the Good Parent should be – is so great.

We experience any ‘differences’ as a betrayal, & if the other person tries to or does leave, the profound loss can make our reaction quite severe:
–  chasing (an ACoA favorite!), stalking, kidnapping….
– we get very ill, threaten or try suicide, but usually not ‘serious’
– threaten harm, verbally or physically attack, or otherwise punish
– whine, cry, accuse, manipulate, to get then back with us

MILDER 
People with less severe damage, or a fair amount of Recovery have less extreme ways of trying enmeshment. These are often garden-variety forms of controlling actions or statement. It still has more than a whiff of narcissism, but indirect – so it doesn’t SEEM as bad. We have to be more awake for this type, because It looks like they’re including you, but they’re not. EXPs:
When someone (you?) likes or hates something & assume others will too:
• “Don’t take your bag / that coat / this paper… – you don’t need it!”
• “Here, try this on / We’re going to this restaurant / Kids, we’re moving to …. I know you’ll love it!”a little shove
• “You just have to see that movie / read this / go to that shoe store…”

• “I don’t see why you’d want to go there / do that / be with them…”
• “I just don’t understand her /him… I would never do / say that!”…..
• “Are you sure you want that dress, pen, car, class….?” (I can’t stand it!)

RELATIONSHIPS
SIMILAR: Sometimes kindred souls, looking for the ultimate bond, will find each other – as a friendship, but more often a mating. With similar interests, perhaps a sexual attraction & always a shared traumatic background, they link up & are ‘loyal forever’ – you’ve found your soul mate! (NOT REAL)

It may be a kind of love, but really it’s the love of 2 wounded children trying to provide for each other what they barely have for themself. It’s not uncommon for such couples to isolate & insulate themselves from the rest of the world

OPPOSITES: More often it’s when a needy, ES person (the ‘Stayer’) chooses to marry, become best friends with or go into business with  a ‘Leaver’ type, although terrified of being swallowed up, also wants to be taken care of

They seem to be a right fit – for a while! Eventually, the Stayer’s dependency becomes too much for the Leaver & a rupture occurs. It may take a few years, but it’s inevitable. The Leaver finally has to get away, & the Stayer is devastated!

• WHEN we rely exclusively on others to hold us up, they will eventually become exhausted. And when that person, group or institution we’re too reliant on needs to save themselves – from us, OR go away for some other reason (divorce, death, a kid going off the college or getting married…),
the loss of symbiosis brings up abandonment panic. Then the unhealed ACoA can :
✑ become almost immobilized by depression
✑ increase familiar addictions or take up new ones
✑ have panic attacks // end up in the hospital // try suicide

MILD: Naturally there are degrees, & all wounded people are afflicted with the longing to be cocooned, to some extent. With long-term recovery / sobriety, our day-to-day life may not reflect this issue, but once in a while some big stressor may  trigger that old terror in the pit of our stomach

HEALING: The best case scenario for anyone, but especially when losing a long-term symbiotic connection, is that it drives us into Recovery, via Al-Anon, therapy & other appropriate groups, often with the help of some medication, & hopefully with spiritual guidance & support.

NEXT: Separation & Individuation – #1

SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

mother/infantAM I ME, AM I YOU & ARE YOU ME?
I hate myself, but I also want you to be exactly like me!

PREVIOUS: Autonomy & Attachment (#3b)

REVIEW: Ego States – CHILD


SYMBIOSIS
• As infants, all humans are born with a built-in biological & psychological set of tendencies, which interact with & responds to their specific environment in their own unique way – but without a formed personality yet

The child’s first connection is to the mother (usually), not aware of a difference between itself & its caretaker. This one-ness is normal & appropriate. It allows the child to feel safe & protected while gradually becoming acquainted with itself & the big world it has come in to

• Regardless of the type of family, nature & nurture (how we’re treated) combine to form what we think of as our SELF.  If born into a reasonably healthy one, the child is allowed & encouraged to develop the pre-set template they came into the world with

✶ This creates a sense of external & then internal safety. Having permission to be oneself gradually makes it possible to function in the world as an individual who is comfortable in their skin & with other people

IN CHILDHOODmother rejecting
a. BROKEN Symbiosis – BUT, if the mother is not available or unable to connect with the infant to nurture it from a deep place of love, the symbiotic bond is never formed or is too soon broken, before the child can tolerate it

This can be:
— because of’ illness or death, spousal abuse, external trauma such as an accident, natural disasters, war…..
OR most commonly
— personality defects like narcissism, anxiety, depression, rage at having to be a caretaker, not wanting to be tied down…..

✶ This creates intense & long-lasting terror in the baby, with the message that there’s something fundamentally wrong with it. Such children spend the rest of their life trying to forge that missing link with someone – anyone – to stop that terrible, relentless anxiety, SO-
• they end up alone, never forming any intimate bond – OR
• find another wounded soul they can attach to & live together in isolation  – OR
• keep being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, reproducing the very abandonment they so fear (trying to symbiose with the ‘distant’ mother, even if it’s with a male)

b. UNBROKEN Symbiosis : at the other extreme – the mother who didn’t get that bond in her own infancy, will try to get it now from her child – creating a captive who can never leave her! heli-mom
This mother will make every effort to negate the child’s individuality in favor of her own needs & wants, to make that little person her clone, & will punish any disagreement or separation.

If there’s no one else available or strong enough to interfere with this suffocating attachment (father, sibling or other…) the child never has the freedom to develop it’s own identity, but stays dependent on the mother (& family or substitutes) for it’s very existence – throughout life.

This child grows up TO (some or all):
• never leave home     • not have any rights
• be depressed, isolated, suicidal
octopus mom• have weak boundaries
• be unable to have healthy, autonomous relationships
• be terrified of abandonment in any form
• be unable to support themself or only get ‘so far’
• not trust their own judgment or intuition
• not have their own opinions about things
• have symbiotic relationships with domineering people….
OR
If the child does get away, then as an A-CoA, they’ll be terrified of any close involvement with others. The fear of being engulfed again is so unbearable that it’s expressed as fear of commitment.
Even when they are in some form of relationship, it will be with extreme emotional detachment, a need for total control, endless sexual conquests, come here-go away interactions, irresponsibility…. or just walking away & never looking back!

➼ Both the strayers & the leavers are ripe for addictions, to fill that big emotional hole inside – but it never works.
INFO: Symbiosis can be understood through the ego state model. In a symbiotic relationship, both people use only some of their ego states to relate to each other, which they combine, functioning as if they only had one identity between them. They get stuck in rigid roles, resulting in less flexibility.

NEXT: Symbiosis (#2)

AUTONOMY & ATTACHMENT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I CAN CONNECT WITH OTHERScat/dog friends
and still be myself!

PREVIOUS: Autonomy & Attachment (#1)

SEE ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

AUTONOMY (Part 1)

ATTACHMENT
♚ ABOUT.com – …. attachment “may be defined as an affectional tie that one person or animal forms between itself & another specific one – a tie that binds them together in space, & endures over time.”
♚ Psychologist Mary Ainsworth : “Attachment is not just a connection between two people, but a bond that involves a desire for regular contact with a special person, & the experience of distress during separation from them.”

💛 Healthy attachment is NOT fueled by anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, weak boundaries or neediness.  RATHER, it’s grounded in the opposite:
• A clear sense & acceptance of our CORE personality, based on heredity, personal qualities, character, education, accomplishments, experience, tastes, & talents  – as well as lacks, limitations & defects
5 o'clock B.
• Having reasonable expectations of ourself & others, in order to have mutually satisfying relationships, & not be devastated when others can’t be what we want them to be

• Having good boundaries – knowing what our needs are, how we’re the same or different from others, how we want to be treated. & be able to clearly state our needs & wants, when appropriate
THEREFORE WE :
• can choose emotionally available people who are reasonably healthy, are generally compatible with us & don’t need us to take care of them
• can accept differences, limitation & imperfections in others & net feel threatened by them
loss• know it’s OK to be attracted to people who have some traits like our family (it’s normal to connect with what’s familiar), but choose those who can treat us better
• know when people act in ways that trigger us, but don’t react as intensely, & can respond from our Healthy Adult (not from the WIC or PP)

• are able to tolerate disconnections with others, even outright losses, while keeping a sense of our own identity, knowing that no matter what, we are OK, lovable, strong, capable of taking care of ourselfves & being on our own, if necessary.

INTER-DEPENDENCE
Symbiosis ——> Autonomy ——-> Attachment —–> Inter-dependence
As ACoAs from wounded families – we need to slowly :
🔪DETACH from the damage we brought with us from childhoodcut damage, in order to —
🧲 ATTACH to the many gifts Higher Power has given us as our birthright, which makes it easier to identify & connect with peers !

Growing successfully thru the previous stages allows us to become more Inter-dependent. 
Of course, most of us are in flux, sliding back & forth between stages. The goal is to keep working at the process, & not get stuck for too long in any one.
(Article: “Attachment & Adult Relationships”) 

SimilarMinds.com
Inter-dependent people tend to see themself as basically good. THEY :
ARE – More likely to be content, emotionally expressive, positive, appropriately trusting
ARE – easier to get to know, open & relationship-oriented, comfortable with or love birthdays. Less ‘in their head’, less rigid

TEND TO:  be reasonably traditional & generally to value society, like some guidance, take advice & learn better with others, like to be part of a group & do things with others, feel grateful to parents.
PS: the degree of each characteristic will vary depending on whether you’re an Introvert or Extravert
inter-dependenceWikipedia ….(interdependence) is being mutually & physically responsible to, & sharing a common set of principles – with others…..
✶ INdependent thinking is not suited to inter-dependent reality.
Independent people who don’t have the maturity to think & act inter-dependently may be good individual producers, but not good leaders or team players. They’re less likely to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational life.
(Stephen Covey, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’, 1989)

✶ INTER-dependence is & ought to be as much the ideal of humans as self-sufficiency. Humans are social beings. Without interacting with society we cannot realize our oneness with the universe or suppress our egotism. Social inter-dependence helps us test our faith & prove ourself on the touchstone of reality. (2020 updated version of 1929 Mahatma Gandhi)
Need we say more?

NEXT: SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs  –  #1