alcoholism

5 HARMFUL MOTHERS (Part 2)

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stay or leave ONE PARENT I CAN TAKE IN SMALL DOSES, and the other one not at all!

PREVIOUS: Harmful Mothers (#1)

BOOK: “The Emotionally Absent Mother” ~ Jasmin Lee Cori

REMINDER: All 5 maternal styles affect both sons & daughters, but each mother treats them with differing degrees of ‘favoritism’ & abuse. ALSO – your mother may be some combo of these 5.  FROM: Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers.  Read rest of article for ways of dealing with each type.

Harmful MOTHERS (cont)
1. Angry / 2. Controlling / 3. Emotionally Unavailable
4. ENVIOUS
Normally, parents want to see their children prosper & be happy. Instead, a child’s success & pleasure arouses hostility in the envious mother. Glowing with good news, children expect their parent’s face to show admiration. What they see instead is a frozen jaw, the corners of her mouth pulled down in contempt. ‘Who do you think you are? Someday you’ll realize you’re not as good as you think you are,’ she’ll warn. jealous mom

OR she may act pleasant at first, but later the child notices that she’s irritated by ordinary things they do : ‘Stop making such a racket / Do you have to go on and on about it? / When are you going to do the dishes?’….

• Instead of bolstering the child’s confidence & inspiring a sense of potential, an envious parent begrudges her child’s independence & appropriate self-pride. She thinks: “How dare she get all the attention! / No one is allowed to outshine me! / My ___ is better than his”
OR: Why does he have a chance to succeed when I’m always disappointed? / Look at what I’ve had to give up! / How can she be happy when I’m not…..”

Parental envy will show up even stronger when a child hits adolescence & starts to make their own way in the world. She (unconsciously) believes she’ll only feel secure & connected to her child if it’s self-worth is as low as hers. So, instead of feeling pride & delight in the child blossoming, the envious mother feels something is being taken away from her.

These children learn that the good things in their life somehow offend, even harm, the person who matters most to them, and who they long to please.
As adults they will spend years of trying to please her & other like her – in vain, making it hard to enjoy their achievements – OR they give up altogether!
Sites: “Mothers Who Are Jealous of Their Daughters” 
“On being the daughter of a Jealous Mother”

5. NARCISSISTIC
This mother is almost totally focus on the external – how things look – to others. Internally, she isn’t capable of the empathy so necessary & important to a healthy parent-child relationship. She craves attention & adoration for herself because of low self-worth, which is usually well hidden – even from family members.

In her self-focused mind, children are only a reflection of herself, so they have to be outstanding / perfect in absolutely every way – to make her look good. Any time thenarcissist child needs attention just for themselves & for any reason, this mother experiences it as competition, which is unacceptable to her.

If a child says they’re tired, mom will snap back: ‘Don’t talk to me about feeling tired. I’ve worked hard all day. You don’t know what being really tired is’.
If the child says “Look what I did / learned in school today!”she might say “That’s not so great / You could have done that better / I already know that / See what I’ve done” ….

These children are in a double bind – alternately praised & degraded :
• constantly pressure to be totally subservient to the mother’s ego
• AND expected to shine by their accomplishments – for her
Since they can never please her, they live under a black cloud of disdain & disapproval. The constant anxiety is that their relationship could break apart at any minute, whenever she’s inadvertently offended – which is inevitable. It’s a bewildering & volatile situation.

Narcissists have fragile relationships with others as well, since their overblown ‘ego’ causes them to take offense at the smallest imagined slight, so they will suddenly cut people out of their lives or punish them in some way for being ‘insulting’.
Sites: The Narcissistic Mother /6 Faces of Maternal Narcissism

NEXT: Part 3 – Dealing with……

5 HARMFUL MOTHERS (Part 1)

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MOM WHY DID I HAVE TO end up with a mother like that???

PREVIOUS:

 4 Parenting Styles (Part 5)

SITE: 4 kinds of Angry Moms

BOOKs: “Difficult Mothers: Understanding & Overcoming Their Power” ~ Terri Apter (Comments)
“The Emotionally Absent Mother” ~ Jasmin Lee Cori


These classic Abandoning / Abusive parenting styles leave big scars. If you were raised by a mother who was mainly one of these types OR some combination, it’s important to recognize where we got our dysfunctional reactions from – as a way to minimize or eliminate our Self-Hate.  (Daily Mail Reporter, U.K. 6/2012)

NOTE: Each of these types are variations of Narcissism – when it’s a severe & life-long pattern (Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers).
❇️  Read rest of article for ways to deal with each type.

1. ANGRY
angry momAlthough no child likes it when a parent is angry, an occasional outburst does not create problems between them. What does cause harm is when a parent repeatedly uses anger to attack, shut up & control family members. When anger is always in the air, children live in a constant state of high alert, waiting for emotional explosions.

• As well as being psychologically damaging, this type of long-term stress is toxic to the young brain. Flooding it with endless anxiety limits the formation of the mental circuitry needed to regulate emotional states.
Sad irony : these are the kids who most need to learn self-soothing & to control their reaction – but are the least well equipped to do so

Continuing into adulthood, many such people say they still panic when around their angry mother, having grown up always feeling ‘wrong’. They’re most likely to become appeasers, programmed to please & placate others.
Sites: “My Mom Is Always Angry” / “My history of anger, 1-3″

2. CONTROLLING
This mother will try to run of every part of their child’s life, even to the extent of telling the child what to see, feel, think & want.

A controlling mother sees herself as custodian & shaper of her child’s mind. Day-after-day she says, acts & implies:
“I know who you are & you don’t / I need you to be X, which is more important than what you want / I know you don’t like it my way but I don’t care…..”’

Having been told repeatedly that “mother knows best”, these children learn to completely distrust their own wants, needs & opinions. Even simple independent decisions can fill them with anxiety. They also learn to lie – to say whatever the controlling mother wants to hear, just to keep her off their back

Healthy parents use control to shape general values & set specific rules – but always temper it with careful listening, & respect of the growing child’s ability to have their own personality & their ability to make age-appropriate decisions for themself.
SITEs: ‘Signs you may have controlling parents’ +
“The Psychological Effect of a Controlling Parent”

3. EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
A mother’s emotional unavailability can be incredibly painful for a child, & leads to all kinds of upset & confusion. Sometimes it’s the result of depression or chemical addiction, but most often because of being a narcissist.

Long-term emotional withholding affects the physical & chemical make-up of a child’s brain. neglectful momGrowing up, such children see their role as comforter & protector, instead of being comforted & protected.

They’ll feel guilty for feeling happy, cling to the parent, avoid emotions or throw tantrums, & often take on heavy responsibility to make up for mother’s ‘absence’.

As adults, ordinary emotions such as joy & sadness may seem extreme, self-indulgent, even dangerous to these people. They may also have deep-seated toxic beliefs about their role in close relationships.  EXP:  other people’s needs are more important than their own, always have to be mature / ‘grown up’, & can’t trust anyone to be there for them.

Healthy parents provide ‘Affective sharing’ (emotional exchanges between mother & baby), which increases brain growth & cortisol receptors that absorb & buffer stress hormones. This also generates those crucial systems that help us manage our own emotions, organize our thoughts & plan our lives. Nurturing physical contact builds the brain’s ability to bounce back from disappointment & failure.

NEXT: Harmful mothers #2

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 5)

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nationalitiesEACH CULTURE THINKS their parenting style is the correct one

PREVIOUS:
Parenting styles (#4)

SITE: “Gentle vs Mainstream’ Parenting Styles

ORIGINS : The most popular ideas about parenting styles in the West – come from the work of Diane Baumrind, who was interested in the different ways parents tried to control or socialize their kids (1960s). To compensate for overly-strict methods being implemented at the time, many parents went to the other extreme, putting very few demands on their children & avoiding any sort of parental control. Her ‘Authoritative’ style was the balancer.

Parenting in “The culture of American families”.
Research says families fall into 1 of 4 “cultures”, which is more important than any individual parenting style. parenting cultures
“Each type is a complex configuration of moral beliefs, values and dispositions.
They’re often implicit, rarely articulated in daily life, & largely independent of basic demographic factors such as race, ethnicity & social class.”

Never mind helicopter moms or attachment parenting. According to a U. of Virginia 3-year study of USA families (2012), the next generation is being molded by:
• the “Faithful,” 20% of parents from traditional Christianity, Judaism or Islam, who adhere to “divine, timeless morality” to give them a strong sense of right & wrong

• the “Engaged Progressives,” (21%) – the least religious. Morality is about personal freedom & responsibility, with few absolutes except the Golden Rule. They value honesty, trust what “feels right,” & allow moral latitude

• the “Detached“, (19%) let kids be kids, equally skeptical of the “old certainties” of the Faithful & the views of the Engaged Progressives.
They’re mostly white, with blue-collar jobs, no college degree, with a lower income…. are pessimistic & seem resigned about the economic future & their children’s opportunities.They say they believe in God, but don’t attend church, & religion is not an important part of their children’s lives

• the “American Dreamers,” (27%) – the most common family culture among blacks & Hispanics. They’re optimistic about their kids’ opportunities & abilities. Even with a relatively low household income and education, they “pour themselves” into raising their children, giving them material & social advantages. They try to protect their kids from negative social influences, striving for strong moral character.

The goal of this study is to distinguish the diverse moral narratives formed in daily inter-actions between parents & children.  Qs :
• What are the treasured hopes, deepest fears, & most pressing challenges of today’s parents?
• Where do they turn for support?
• What role, if any, does “character” play in the lessons children learn?
• Is contemporary life too fluid to anchor stable, shared convictions?
• What does it mean to be a “good parent” or a “good child” in an era when moral sign posts point in multiple directions?

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES
A-A shoppingDevelopmental psychologist at the U of CA at Berkeley Diana Baumrind ‘s 4 styles have been applied in places as varied as Brazil,
China & Turkey.  However they don’t always “map” onto local parenting methods – which explain why some studies report different outcomes.

• African – A. families place greater importance on shared parenting responsibilities among their community, & use physical punishment more often than Euro-A.
( African-American Family structure -Wikipedia)
• European – Authoritative (A.) valued self-directed & tolerant children
• Japanese – A. parents valued well-behaved children
hispanic• Hispanic parents were more authoritarian & punitive than Euro-A.

• re. Korean-American parents, over 75% of the sample didn’t fit into any of the standard parenting categories (Kim & Rohner 2002).
• re. western-Chinese parents, their style doesn’t quite fit traditional Chinese practices (Chao 1994).
• re. Spanish adolescents, studies showed that kids from permissive homes were as well-behaved & adjusted as those from authoritative ones

🌹Even so, there’s remarkable overall agreement across many cultures regarding Authoritative parenting – that it is consistently linked to the best child outcomes. (Gwen Dewar, PHD ) Scroll down

Steve Doughty (Daily Mail, UK, 2009) writes :
happy family“Taking a ‘tough love’ approach to parenting increases the chances a child will grow into a well-rounded, successful adult” a think-tank said yesterday.
Combining warmth + discipline means youngsters are more likely to develop skills such as application, self-discipline & empathy.
The Demos report (left-wing think-tank) found that “these traits were shaped during the preschool years – more often as the result of ‘tough love’ parenting – regardless of whether parents were rich or poor.” (MORE….)

NEXT: 5 harmful mothers

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 4)

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neg introject MOMI CAN’T GET THAT WITCH VOICE
out of my head!

PREVIOUS: Parenting styles (Part 3)

SITE: COMICS (variety)

 

♥️ Parenting styles & SUCESS : The promise of upward mobility is a central tenet of the American Dream, one of our core civic values.

The SOCIAL GENOME Model (SGM), from the Brookings Institution in Washington, DC. ASKs :
Is the USA still an opportunity society? Can people achieve the American Dream? How can we help more people reach the middle class?
The SGM tracks the academic, social & economic experiences of individuals from birth through middle age —> in order to identify the most important paths to upward mobility.
(“The achievement gap…..” // “Social Genomics”)

Achieving the ‘dream’ depends on being born to adults who are ready to be parents, PLUS being able to succeed at each subsequent stage in life.  5 benchmarks have been identified as good predictors of eventual economic success:
• born to a non-poor, 2-parent family
• being ready for school at age 5
• mastering core academic & social skills by age 11
• graduating from HS with decent grades & avoiding risky behaviors during adolescence
• getting a post-secondary degree (PhD), or the equivalent income before age 30.

This CHART ↗️ clearly shows by % what we know intuitively & from experience:  (see also “Parenting Gap”)
• children of strong parents are the clear winners, and
• children of weak parents are consistently the least successful thru life
• children of average parents fall in between, but are closer to the ‘lucky’ ones in performance.
AND – If weak parents improve themselves to become average, their children will have an almost 10% improvement in their success rate.

Composite RESULTS of Parenting Styles (cont)MY child -2

Parenting styles & TEEN DRINKING
Many factors contribute to teenagers’ experimentation with alcohol & drugs. Genes play a significant role, as do peer relationships. And since teens can be adversarial – it’s better to start talking to them about ‘using’ while they’re still young, as early as 4th grade.

Researchers at Brigham Young University have found that teens who grow up with parents who are either too strict or too indulgent tend to binge drink more than their peers. Stephen Bahr,  sociologist at BYU. observed  that “While parents didn’t have much of an effect on whether their teens tried alcohol or not, they can definitely have a significant impact on the more dangerous type of drinking,” Screen Shot 2015-06-15 at 8.27.29 PM

• Teens raised by indulgent parents – who tend to give their children lots of praise & warmth but do not teach them to monitor bad behavior nor about its consequences – were among the biggest abusers of alcohol (about 3x more likely than peers)

• The same was true if parents were so strict that the teens don’t learn to use their own judgment. In fact – “Kids in that environment tend not to internalize parental values nor understand why they shouldn’t drink,” says Bahr. They’re 2-3x more likely to binge drink.

• The parenting style that led to the lowest levels of problem drinking borrowed something from each of the 2 extremes:
— from the indulgent end: warmth & support, AND
— from the strict end: accountability & consequences for bad behavior
CHART from “Successful Parenting”

NEXT: Parenting styles (Part 5)

4 PARENTING Styles & Results (Part 3)

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I WISH THEY HAD BEEN more helpful & supportive!

PREVIOUS: Parent styles, #2

BOOK: “Parenting with Love & Logic” includes Drill Sergeant, Helicopter, Counselor/Consultant – Forster Cline, M.D. & Jin Fay


PERSONAL WISDOM
Obviously, different parental styles contribute to how each child turns out – that is – their adapted personality, most often forming the False Persona in wounded people. It’s a major factor in how well a child will succeed in life – whether they manage, achieve, meet & overcome challenges OR flounder, run from stress, fail to cope or give up.

A 1994 study found that “good adjustment” in adolescence was overwhelmingly associated with parenting style. (‘Child Development’ ~ Steinberg, Samborn, Darling, Mounts & Dornbusch).
Of interest is what helps or hinders the development of wisdom, which involves being flexible – the ability to use different kinds of behavior when circumstances demand a change in response.

Whatever the reason or circumstance, when parents stick to only one style, a child will only learn that way of dealing with conflict & uncertainty. When parents are unable or unwilling to vary interacting, they stifle the flexibility needed to develop wisdom in later life.

RESULTS of Parent Styles (short form)
Autocratic (authoritarian) parents tend to produce children who are “dismissive”. Other people have no intrinsic value but must prove themselves worthy of respect & attention, just as the child had to do with his/her parents.
This is commonly referred to as “conditional regard.” You’re only worth what you’ve earned

Indulgent parents who give their children free rein, tend to create adults with a “preoccupied” relationship with others. As adults they’ll try to find the same indulgent, ‘unconditional regard’ from others they got from their parents, forever chasing a lost childhood

Indifferent parents who are cold & fitfully controlling, create an atmosphere of uncertainty & mistrust. An absence of affection, rules or emotional support sets a child adrift in a chaotic social environment without a built-in compass. This creates ‘fearful’ adults who usually find the world of people extremely difficult & so try to limit or avoid relationships

Democratic parents produce a more ‘secure’ adult, having received warmth & affection, but within a set of rules for appropriate behavior.
However, if these parents are too supportive without teaching the child when something is ‘off’ in their thinking or behavior, they may grow up to be –> overconfident about their ability to engage with & persuade others, the same way they were able to do with their parents.
Without any sense of realistic uncertainty / insecurity, these adults may form delusions of grandeur, believing they’re capable of greatness without the actual ability.

LONG FORM – composite MY child -1

NEXT :  4 Style’s, #4

 

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 2)

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2 bad momsYEAH – I HAD ONE OF EACH – no wonder I’m confused!

PREVIOUS: Parenting styles (#1)

 

TWO-WAY process
Most parents’ psychological patterns are ‘fully set’ by the time their children are born, no matter how young or dysfunctional they may be to start with. While some actually grow & improve over the years, which will benefit everyone, most parents don’t make significant changes in the way they think, feel & react – based on their own upbringing & personal characteristics

This is why all children have to adapt to their environment – which they do as much as they can, using their personal innate qualities. However, since each child brings an undeveloped personality-potential with them at birth, they also influence how parents treat them – related to gender, birth order, personality, physical reciprocal parentcharacteristics, disabilities or limitations, similarity to the parent’s original family members….
SO – they’re treated well if parents are healthy, & very badly if not.

While the literature often concentrates on the effects of parents’ traits on child outcomes, the reverse is also being considered.
A study from the U of Pittsburg PA says that Authoritative parenting (best style) creates the greatest social competency & self-reliance in children.
However, it can’t determine whether their personalities cause parents to use a particular style, or if this set of parental responses creates the child’s wellbeing. In any case, this style preserves self-esteem, which encourages socially competent behavior in children. (CHART – scroll way down)

Other research suggests that parents can promote or discourage the development of inhibited behavior (shy, reluctant, withdrawn…). A combined East-West study used 125 US & 100 Korean 3-year-olds, evaluated for this behavior.
Video of the 50% most inhibited children in each group were rated in terms of their parents’ responses which:
1. encouraged the child to approach the stimuli in question (toys, dolls….)
2. accepted and/or encouraged the child’s withdrawal
3. discouraged the child’s withdrawn behavior.

ANALYSIS
• the child’s effects on parenting were more pronounced than the reverse
• mothers were more affected by child inhibition than fathers
• surprisingly, parents who accepted/encouraged child-withdrawal ALSO encouraged approach, thus discouraging child shyness
• the greater the child’s inhibition, the more parents encouraged approach behavior which encouraged/accepted withdrawal & discouraged withdrawal (MORE)

Naturally, the negative is also of interest
Since child behaviors influence parenting responses, then unpleasant / difficult ones wear parents down, who may eventually give up providing appropriate empathy, guidance & discipline

One study examined reciprocal relationships between ODD chartparenting functions – supervision, communication, involvement, timid discipline or harsh punishment – and child disruptive disorder symptoms (ADHD, OCD, ODD
The results support the idea that child behaviors do have a greater influence on parenting action & reactions than the reverse, creating a coercive process (parent using threat &/or force).

• Another question is whether parents’ physical discipline leads children to become more aggressive, or aggressive children elicit more physical discipline from their parents. Reports were gathered from both parents & teachers. Environment + genetic factors played a role in complex outcomes, but not gender or ethnic factors.

Generally, in the sample of boys and girls aged 6–9:
√ higher levels of child visible ‘bad’ behaviors in a given year were definitely related to more frequent parental physical discipline in the next year
√ more frequent parental physical discipline in a given year was significantly related to more frequent child anti-social behaviors in the next year.

The main result was that both mild and harsh physical discipline was associated with more subsequent child antisocial behavior. (MORE…)

CHART CONTINUED from Part 1

MY parenting -3

MY Parenting -4

 

NEXT: Parenting styles Part 3

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 1)

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4 styles

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE OVERVIEWS! – They provide perspective

SITES: 10 Parenting Styles  // Other STYLES (slides 16-17)
• How the Tigers, Dolphins & Jellyfish Parents Differ
• TIGER MOM – Cultural differences (+ cartoon by Keith Knight)
• HUMOR: Not A Tiger Or Helicopter Mom? (Google images)
• Parenting Quiz (Slides 7-8)

QUOTE: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (New Testament – Colossians 3:21)

DEF: Parenting styles are the methods that parents use to take care of their children. Categories: Authoritative, Autocratic, Permissive & Neglectful (1 healthy, 3 unhealthy), with –
✦ Degrees of:
– Nurturing Affection : warm <—-> cold
– Demand & Control : more <—-> less
✦ Dimensions that are essential: Communication styles / Disciplinary strategies / Expectations of maturity & control / Warmth & nurturance (Diana Baumring – 1967)

• Our basic identity is modified & shaped by our experiences with our parents – forming the structure of our adult personality. What we learned back then is deeply implanted in our most primitive, powerful emotions as young children, when we were totally vulnerable to being molded.diagram of parenting styles

🚼 Each of us is unique – different from everyone else, both as individuals & in relation to our family structure (gender, birth order, looks, interests….).
🚻 And each parent has their own pre-set core Self & personality style.
Even though adults have most of the power & control, family relationships are indeed reciprocal – parents have an effect on their children, & children have an effect on parents. The mix & match of 🚼 & 🚻 is complex & often at odds.

Finding actual cause-&-effect links between specific parental actions & children’s resulting ‘personality’ is not simple or easy. Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities.

Conversely, some who share a home & raised in the same environment can grow up to have astonishingly different personalities –  due to the same or different Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Astrology….
However, researchers have found correlations between these 4 categories & how children turn out

Realistically, the Parental Style used is the one that each child experiences, not the one the adults ‘think’ they’re expressing, or wish they could be using. But most parents always default to a favorite negative style, while only a few aspire to / work at living more in the healthy one (Authoritative).
The length & intensity of interactions with their children are based on their own emotional states, motivations, engagement, levels of stress, feeling fresh or tired…. at any given moment.
Actually, most parents switch between all 4.

The next 2 composite charts outline the 4 types (#1 & 2) MY parenting -1

NEXT: Parenting styles (Part 2)

ACoAs – HUMILITY (Part 2)

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Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 8.16.17 PM

 THE MORE SELF-ESTEEM
the more humility!

PREVIOUS:  HUMILITY (#1)

SITES: ‘’HUMILITY – the most beautiful word in the English Language’’

• Intellectual Humility (extensive)

BOOK: “So, I’m not Perfect! – A Psychology of Humility” ~ Robert J. Fury (not religious)

QUOTEs :  “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit” ~ Aristotle
• “Confidence without Humility is arrogance. Humility without confidence is self-deprecation” Anon.

1. HUMILITY MARKERS re. ONESELF
YOU:
• know your inner worth, not dependent on out-performing others, nor having to always be ’the first, the best, the most…. ’
• don’t have to frantically chase some intangible or unrealistic degree of importance, success, fame or power
• do have a clear perspective of present-day reality, respecting your place in whatever context you’re in
YOU:
• have an honest, accurate assessment of your actual talents, your limits & areas that need improving
• can admit mistakes, & ask for forgiveness when in error
• can handle frustrating situations with a genuine sense of inner ‘serenity’, since your respond, rather than react, to life’s challenges.
ARE
• able to control your temper
Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 7.46.19 PM• able to value but not spoil yourself (give in to every whim of the WIC)
• courteous, respectful, not pretentious, not boastful nor gloating about accomplishments
ARE
• good for the sake of being good, admitting you’re as human as everyone else
• happy to work behind the scenes when required or appropriate, knowing your work is as important as any done in the spotlight
• not attracted to superficial or unhealthy behavior
ARE
• OK with being an ordinary / average person (even if ‘special’, gifted, ‘important’), not needing to be part of some in-crowd to feel acceptable
• teachable – assuming there’s always more to learn about & from all PPT
• willing to give up your right to be right. Do not demand your rights

2. MARKERS re. OTHERS
ARE
• able & willing to forgive others, letting go of grudges & bitterness
• comfortable with others’ success. H prevents embarrassing yourself in competitive situations
• compassionate & look for the best in others (realistically). Give others the benefit of the doubt
• motivated to help people, aware that others have needs too
YOU
 • ask Qs & love dialogue (not assume you know everything), & use conversation to explore new worlds
• ALSO put energy & effort into listening
• don’t gossip, especially about faults you see in others
• don’t pre-judge others’ behavior, knowing that everyone has their own reasons for doing things which you may find annoying, even if you don’t know or never find out what those are
YOU
• know you need others, so allow yourself to be open & vulnerable rather than closed & ‘distant’
• respect those in authority, & pray for them to have wisdom
• speak simply, not trying to manipulate or trip others up
• show honest interest in others by asking about their lives & accomplishments
• treat each person as someone of value, regardless of their position in society, profession, age or economic status

a. Social Activism: One form of H regards reform, such as in thhelp otherse 2013 workshop by Melanie Marie Tervalon’s  “Cultural Humility: Working in Partnership with Families & Communities”.
Included topics were: Reversing health disparities in the US / Using tools of cultural competence & cultural humility at work

b. In Business: Humility is studied as a multi-dimensional trait, which includes awareness, self-understanding, openness & perspective ability. People with these qualities are valued because they tend to be more generous, selfless & altruistic

• Jim Collins, in “Built To Last: Successful Habits of Visionary Companies” (1994), says humility is a key ingredient at the highest level of executive ability. “Humility + Will = Level 5 leaders, who are a study in duality – modest and willful, shy and fearless, patient yet express fierce resolve.” (MORE….)

humble leadersc. Confident leaders succeed, but not at the expense of others. They have a broader sphere of influence, attract better talent, inspire more confidence, loyalty & respect. Truly H people are quietly self-assured, giving them more determination & commitment

Humble LEADERs come from a position of strength, & are more persuasive – WITH the:
• courage to set aside personal gain to benefit others
• character to respond charitably when attacked
• candor to be honest, & ability to change course if necessary

SITEs: “3 Reasons to Be Humble: People, Agility, and Growth”, re. entrepreneurs
“Humility: The Foundation Value of Innovation Leadership”

NEXT: BLOG Celebration – 500 posts (2015)

ACoAs – HUMILITY (Part 1)

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SELF ESTEEM ALLOWS ME
to think well of myself – realistically

PREVIOUS: ARROGANCE (Part 2)

SITE: “The key to Dignified Humility: Admitting you’re Wrong”

QUOTEs: “True humility is strength, not weakness. It disarms antagonism & ultimately conquers it.” ~Meher Baba
“To be truly great one has to stand with people, not above them” ~ Charles de Montesquieu, French politician & philosopher

DEF: HUMILITY (H), from the Latin ‘humilitas’ = ‘low, from the earth, grounded’
• To not think oneself better than others (but never self-deprecating!)
• Recognize & accept our limitations based on an accurate estimate of our value & abilities.
Opposite of grandiosity, narcissism, hubris, & other forms of negative pride
EXP:Usain Bolt
NOT H: IF Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt were to say that he’s not a speedy guy, it would either be a joke, false humility or S-H, since he truly IS the speediest of all his peers!

YES H: What he DID say was that – his accomplishments need to be placed in the context of Jamaican track-and-field emphasis & excellence, which reflect those who have helped him !

HUMILITY (H), sometimes called “modesty”, is most often talked & written about in religious terms. The great religions espouse it, spiritual teachers encourage it, preachers & (some) parents try to instill it.
➼ However, here we mainly want to consider what it means as a social & psychological character trait.

• But even without a religious context, H can still take on a moral and/or ethical dimension. It’s the ability to acknowledge that we have problems, faults, pains, make mistakes, act in ways that we don’t want to, say or think things we know are not positive….
Humility is acknowledging / accepting how we actually are, right now.

Oscar Ichazo, in ‘The Enneagram of Personality’, gives a good clue to the meaning of H – a true virtue:
“It is accepting the limits of the body’s capacities.

The mind holds unreal beliefs about its own powers, but the body knows exactly what it can & cannot do.
Humility – in the broadest sense – is the knowledge of our true place in the cosmic scale.”

Appropriate H (not martyrdom, S-H or victimhood (↖️see chart) is firmly rooted in self-esteem, an inner security that comes from permission to be oneself, & the willingness to provide for one’s own needs & wants.
That way we don’t have to depend on what others think of us to be OK.

H people are clear that, while they definitely know they have personal worth, they have perspective, understanding that each of us is a very small cog in a very large universe.
➼ With this broad & realistic view, the truly humble person cannot be humiliated.

NOTE: To develop H —
✥ children must form a secure attachment, starting in infancy, BY receiving consistent & loving parenting, firm guidance & realistic role-modeling.
✥ As adults – a most important aspect of H is the realization that our lives & concerns are valuable, but no more important than anyone else’s.
💟 These 2 TRUTHS are the opposite of our ACoA ‘education’!

DIAGRAM
Any extreme is unhealthy:
• Too much Pride & we act superior, untouchable
• Too much H, & we’ll let every one walk on us

• Healthy Pride is empowering
• Healthy H means we don’t need to do impression-management

• LaBouff & Assoc. ran 3 H studies (2012) with college students, which showed that humble people are more helpful than those who are less so.
Students who reported valuing humility were willing to help another student, even without much external pressure.

Additional studies echo this conclusion – humility is a consistent predictor of generosity, making a H person a more valuable member of society = Other people matter too, & we can matter more to others if we ‘matter less’ to ourself (self-centered ARR).

• H has been linked with better academic & job performance. Correlated with the need for Achievement (nA), it helps advance one’s fortune in the world, & is excellent for leadership.

• Humble people have better social relationships: because they’re more cooperative, compassionate, flexible, forgiving, grateful, open, admit mistakes & avoid deception

• Exline & Hill showed that H people accept their limitations, are well-adjusted, kind, self-aware, & intelligent – without needing to be all-knowing.
They ALSO value the welfare of others, & are able to ‘forget themself’ when appropriate or necessary.

NEXT: Humility (Part 2)

ACoAs – ARROGANCE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

I CAN ONLY STAND MYSELF  – if I pretend to be superior!

PREVIOUS: Humiliation (#3)

SITE: “The Difference Between Confidence & Arrogance is Empathy“
◆ Teaching Humility in an Age of Arrogance

QUOTEs:“Much to learn, you still have” ~ YODA to Count Dooku, StarWars II
• “Do you wish people to think well of you? Don’t speak well of yourself” ~ Pascal

DEF: ARROGANCE (ARR) = inflating, exalting, over-valuing oneself. It’s “Bigging yourself up”, whether publicly or just inside your own mind, & often involves criticizing & knocking others down at the same time. (Ennea-Type #3)
“The act or habit of making unjustified declarations in an overbearing manner…. exorbitant claims of rank, dignity, estimation, or power”

♦️It is a major characteristic of all styles of narcissism – overt or covert, falling on a continuum from mild to severe. The extreme  expression of arrogance is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  2 main types:
• Vulnerable – those who use arrogance to compensate for their insecurity
• Grandiose – who truly believe themselves to be perfect, without weakness or limitations.

It’s one of 7 features of “dark” personality traits, based on 7 basic fears, which are the False Self’s primary means of self-preservation.
• Arrogance = FEAR of vulnerability
• Greed = f. of lack / not having enough
• Impatience = f. of missed or lost opportunity
• Martyrdom = f. of worthlessness
• Self-Destruction = f.  of loss of control
• Self-Deprecation = f. of inadequacy
• Stubbornness = f. of change or of new situations (MORE…)

CHARACTERISTICS of ARR people (A G. Cerdan)
☂︎ Constantly talking about themselves & their achievements
☂︎ Charming – at first. Behind it is contempt, lack of empathy, resentment & selfishness
☂︎ Intolerant of anyone who doesn’t like or approve of them
☂︎ Never asking for forgiveness
☂︎ Over-compensate for insecurity – being loud, stubborn, showing off in dress & makeup….
☂︎ Tremendous need to be praised
☂︎ Trouble forming & keeping relationships
☂︎ Won’t admit mistakes, can’t handle criticism

ARR. is the result of Negative childhood experiences, causing:
a. deep (hidden) terror & insecurity (fear of abandonment)
b. the WIC’s dysfunctional strategy to ‘protect’ the Self
c. misconceptions about the nature of Self, life & others
d. a False Persona to hide a, b & c in adulthood

• We all have the potential to be arrogant in some area  of our life. But – for people terrified to admit or show common human limitations, it can become a dominant pattern.  This character defect represents the need to be seen as flawless, because exposing any weakness makes them feel unbearably vulnerable (like negative EnneaType 1, but not exclusively). See (Ennea-Flaws in All)

Hidden belief: “Who I really am will never be good enough for anyone to accept. So no one must ever see the real me.”
ACoAs are very familiar with this obsession with perfection, because our family punished or made fun of normal childhood needs & behavior, which they treated as unforgivable flaws!

Opposite poles 
– – Vanity (unhealthy False Self): 
an irrational / obsessive belief in our superior attractiveness or abilities as reflected in the eyes of others – which is falling for our own lies (egotism / narcissism).
It comes from the Latin vanities: empty, foolish, futile, untruthful

+ + Pride (healthy Confidence): recognizing, appreciating AND enjoying all our good qualities, rather than exaggerating or need yo make them up to mask or deny normal human limits & imperfection.
It’s a positive expression of the True Self, being realistic about our innate value & accomplishments  (“Worst & Best Personality Traits” – lists)

WHY do ARR people Succeed?
⚡️They use anger to intimidate
⚡️Being ‘difficult’ makes others give in to them more easily
⚡️Being dominant / domineering allows them to steal the show
⚡️Believing they’re superior helps them go for what they want
⚡️In disagreements, they attack the person rather than the issue

Arrogant leaders can do well in business, but rarely create lasting relationships – because they doesn’t inspire loyalty & trust. They’re often surrounded by users who are all too happy to take advantage of the egotist’s ruthless & obsessive need to ‘make good’, but will jump ship at the first sign of trouble

ARR is built on a variety of sandy / swampy foundations, such as:
– family lineage, ‘connections’, money, possessions
– achievements based on natural talents + hard work
– illusions / self-deception about non-existent personal qualities
– being stuck in past glory & accomplishments
HOWEVER – none of these provide genuine self-esteem, which only has one source: Unconditional love!

NEXT: Arrogance #2