al-anon

Double MESSAGES – Basics (Part 1)

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confusion  

YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Make up your mind – which do you want??

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 2)

SITEs:  Types of ambiguity

“The Double Bind: Intimate Tie Between Behavior & Communication”

Let’s start by looking at the basic way we process information.
CHART 1 is the Input-outgo loop everyone has. Our heredity, plus the type of beliefs, experiences, rules & personal preferences in each component part of us – determines how we understand & process incoming experiences, which then indicates our responses.

 CHART 2 is the Normal communication process with others. Here each person is doing what is shown in Chart #1.


DOUBLE MESSAGES, on the other hand, are not-normal (unhealthy /sadistic) ways to transmit ideas, which always end badly for the one trying to decode the message being sent.
(‘How it works’ in Part 3).

● Double Messages (DM) are used by a controlling Sender (S) <—> to enslave a vulnerable Receiver (R), who is then caught in a Double Bind (DB). Enslaved?? Yes, whether deliberate or not!

BTW: a DM is not just repeating something twice!!, nor….getting differing opinions or answers from the same source…. nor trying to figure out what someone wants or means when they don’t know themselves

EXP of Double Message
A: Damaged parent to child “(Of course) I love you”.
Implied: “See how much I do for you, aren’t I a good mother/ father? I need you, so don’t ever leave me, or be mad, or expect me to…. right? (child has to agree)”  – AND

B: Same Parent “(I’m trying to hide that) I don’t love you in a healthy way”.  (child has to ignore)
Implied by being continually judgmental & dissatisfied with child = “Don’t bother me, I’m always annoyed by you & your needs, you never do anything right / what I want / the way I want, you’re such a pain, get away from me!”)
opposite laws
C. ALSO – implied on the meta-level:
“If you point out or object to part B I’ll deny it, say you’re crazy or ungrateful & expect you to carry on as if you didn’t notice the contradiction.
Keep trying to please me even though I’ll never be satisfied, because you’ll sink (die) without me!”   OUCH!!

✤ Many ACoAs grew up in an atmosphere of this DM – & others – created by our family (DMs Part 2 – Form 3), which left us with a deep sense of futility & powerlessness about most things, especially of ever getting our needs met.
Now we live in a world of DBs, finding others who also do that to us, but even worse – it’s what we do to ourselves (most common one in DMs Part 5).

🦠 Double Messages create Double Binds, a ruthless way of forging invisible bondage based on fear of abandonment, which can only be completely effective when used against the immature or the already wounded.
DBs ultimately cause paralysis by trapping someone between the natural human wish to get away from bad things – like punishment, & go towards good things – like approval (aversion & desire).

• As shown in DMs Part 4 – Style 3, a threat delivered with a smile is still a threat, causing confusion. When confronted with a threat, we want to run away, but – ikey to DMsf the threat is combined with a smile, even a mock-smile, we may not know what to do.  Deer in the headlights?

• The KEY to figuring out DMs is that the same subject matter is being presented from opposite sides, AS IF both are true, at the same time!
EXP: I love you when you sing (show off)  / I hate you when you show off (sing)
NOTE: The main difference between DMs (from speaker / sender) & DBs (in listener / receiver) is = who holds all the power in this kind of relationship, which is always the Sender.
Otherwise the descriptions & procedures are the same – it’s only a matter of perspective. Also – it’s not correct to say “A DB is a mixed message that….”. Instead, a DB is the result of a mixed message that puts someone in a no-win situation.

NEXT: Double Binds (Part 2)

2013 ACoA Blog STATS – WordPress Review

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Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 4.28.52 AM

HAPPY NEW YEAR from

Donna  M Torbico


Thank you for making 2013 another successful blogging year.     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

world stats

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20 MOST READ TOPICS of 2013  / VIEWS
1.  Lost Child Role                                         5,789
2.  Scapegoat Role                                         3,432
3.  Hero Role                                                   2,425
4.  Boundaries  list (#1)                                1,712
5.  Mascot Role                                               1,423
6.  Placater Role                                             1,355
7.  Toxic Family RULES                                   731
8.  Boundaries List (#2)                                   668
9. Character Traits & Con                               628
10. Lack of Trust #1)                                        476
11. Why are you stuck?                                   376
12. Safe & Unsafe People                                362
13. Setting + Boundaries (#1)                         316
14. Roles & Co-dependence                            301
15. Toxic Family ROLES                                   263
16. Separation & Indiv. (#1)                           259
17. ACoAs & Self-esteem – NOT                    247
18. Passive-aggressive ACoAs                        246
19. How ACoAs Abandon others                   243
20. Satir’s Blamer Role                                    238

KEEP READING & KEEP GROWING!

ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 2)

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rebulding trust
TRUST STARTS WITH ME –
but I have a right to reciprocation

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 1)

 

1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS

2. BEING the Trust VIOLATOR
These suggestions apply mainly to being in a ‘commuted’ love unit, but can also be used re. family members & close friends.
If both people want to stay connected AND you’re willing to face your misconduct —
broken-hearta. in GENEAL (re. friends, work…. ) – if the problem is that you were neglectful, manipulated, said cruel things, didn’t keep promises, stole, lied, threatened, hit ….. THEN identify the behavior & stop doing it immediately
• be sincere – your victim is closely scrutinizing your motives & intentions

b. in an INTIMATE relationship – if you were unfaithful – cut off all connection to the “other” person
• take responsibility for your actions – don’t blame anyone else or make excuses
• provide an honest apology & a thorough account of what really happened – and if possible the why of your actionspromise keeper

• do not expect instant forgiveness & reinstatement, especially if you’ve been disloyal, untruthful & undependable before
• take immediate action to restore the rift between you & the other person, including listening to & validating their emotional pain & outrage, which you caused

• know you’re likely to be on probation, but if the relationship is important to you, commit to behaving in an upstanding way & then work at keeping your promise
• restate or change your shared goals & interests you can both build on
• be able to sustain good behavior over the long haul
• be willing to get professional help (individual & couples), go to AA, Al-Anon, pray for healing of underlying damage……

😻 BUILDING Trust in an Intimate relationship
✤  Be Authentic – uncover & live in your True Self which included the Natural Child ego state, which includes all talents, attitudes, tastes, genetic tendencies, learning styles, personality type…. as well as basic weaknesses

✤ Keep your Word – Realistically, do what you say you’re going to do, SO don’t promise anything you can’t / don’t want to do
✤ Be Transparent – nothing hidden (text messages, websites, finances … & no stockpiling unexpressed emotions

✤ Don’t Lie – neither blatant lies, nor letting the other person believe something that’s not true
✤ Confess Promptly (see 3 posts re. AA’s 10th Step).
No one can be perfect. Instead of letting problems fester, quickly & appropriately admit omissions, lies & mistakes (0000)

😰 BOTH : To HEAL
🔺 Know the Details –  Violator gives their side of the event, to provide you with a broader perspective : What, when, where? What may have contributed to this situation? Are there mitigating circumstances?

🔺 Release Anger – Betrayed person (you) need to acknowledge anger, & use healthy ways of getting it out. The offender too needs to express resentment & anger harbored from before

🔺 Commitment – Both parties need to define what’s required to stay committed, IF they want to keep the relationship
🔺 Rebuild Trust & the Relationship  – see below  (MORE….)

QUALITIES of any GOOD Relationship – BEING:
• Approachable – willing to listen & when necessary, be able to handle things you may find hard to hear.
• Appreciative – don’t take each other for granted & be realistic. Say ‘thank you’ when deserved & give compliments when appropriate & sincere  (showing Love)

• Caring & Kind – Don’t stop saying “I love you”. Find ways to be thoughtful, considering the other person’s tastes & preferences.(5 Love Languages)couples love
When angry, state your Es in a way that will do the least emotional damage.  You’re more likely to be heard, &  prevents a buildup of resentments in the other

• Fun to be around – a sense of humor is always welcome. Plan enjoyable things to do together that are relaxing & entertaining. Have your own interests as well, so you have something new to contribute
• Helpful – approach problems together. Combine the best skills & natural talents of each to solve life’s difficulties, creating a greater sense of unity & strength

• Positive – think confidently about yourself (but arrogant), & treat the other from the same point of view. Start from the assumption that you both have the possibility of growth & happiness, without overlooking limitations & flaws

communicate• Respectful – appreciate & value your differences, as well as enjoying your similarities. Don’t try to change the other, but be clear about what you need, & would like to see improved in the relationship
• Trustworthy – see post. Be consistent!
• Understanding – encourage open communication of needs, opinions & emotions

NEXT: Double Messages – Basics #2

ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 1)

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backstabbed
IT’S HARD TO LET GO
when I’ve been disrespected

PREVIOUS: Being Trustworthy

QUOTE: “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” ˜˜George MacDonald, Scottish novelist

1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS
Because ACoAs have been let down again & again by our family, as adults we continue the pattern of feeling unsupported:

1. BY assuming we have an understanding with a friend, lover, boss…. that they will treat us with respect & reliability – without actually talking to them about our needs & hopes, nor getting an agreement from them!

• We expect people to be able to read our minds – the way a small child legitimately needs their parents to be able to do – showing that we’re still functioning emotionally from the WIC

• So when someone doesn’t come thru for us the way we expect (but unsaid by either party) we feel betrayed .
BUT what has actually been betrayed are our own hopes, illusions, fantasy & assumptions about the other person!  In these cases others have not betrayed us, since they did not make the commitment we imagined, whether emotional, physical, financial or verbal

2. BY keeping people in our life who DO continually disappoint, while longing to be with someone we can truly depend on.  To change who we choose we need to continually work on S & I

• When we catch someone actually messing up, they can react several ways: apologize insincerely, make excuses, withdraw or attack us.

These tactics are meant to deflect responsibility from themself
, while underneath they may be:
• puzzled as to what they did wrong, because they’re shut down (Es) & in deep denial (Ts) about their character defects, so they can’t change what they don’t understand
• indifferent, insensitive, narcissistic – don’t care about you
• may feel self-hate, shame, guilt, fear, anger, but can’t own them, so they need defenses (character defects) as protection

There are MANY WAYS to be betrayed, and not just by a cheating spouse or lover.  Itstay or go can be by paid professionals, family members, friends, colleagues, bosses or clergy
•  If you’ve been hurt on many occasions by someone you believed in, you have to decide if you can continue, or need to end the association.
Choosing between the 2 is rarely easy or fast, but in most cases leaving is ultimately the best for your PMES health – if possible. At the very least you can put some distance by using healthy boundaries.

• If you want to continue the relationship (or not), you need to & have a right to ask for a ‘talk’ to clear the air, but they may not be able or willing.
You can’t force someone to admit to flaws in the way they treat you, nor change the way they act, no matter how hard you try!

🧩 STAYING with a VIOLATOR
As the Violated person, you need to:
• identify & deal with painful emotions of betrayal (shock, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear…) – instead of excusing the other by minimizing their bad behavior, the practical consequences & emotional distress

• ask for total transparency – no more lying or double-dealing. They need to be forthcoming without always being prodded
• going forward, believe the person’s actions not their words

• adjust your expectations to what’s actually possible in this situation. Evaluating unrealistic hopes or demands you have of the other person
• be respectful, positive & kind (not punishing or vengeful), but stay awake

• look at yourself too, for any way you may have contributed to the problem.  You did not cause their behavior but may have helped create a climate which made it inevitable or too easy for them to acting out – including things you did NOT do or say

• decide if you can forgive. This does not mean white-washing or overlooking bad behavior. Work to understand the reasons behind it & having some compassion for their weaknesses – knowing the choices made are from their WIC. But the actions are unacceptable, so letting go of hurt may take time

NEXT: Rebuilding Trust (Part 2)

Being TRUSTWORTHY

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being reliable
TRUST ALWAYS STARTS WITH ME –
by honoring my awareness & knowledge

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting (Part 2)

QUOTES: “One who does not act in accordance to the deep voice of his inner conscience can not be honest, truthful, trustworthy, loyal & faithful to anyone.”  ~ Anuj Somany, Indian Poet & Civil Engineer

“A relationship without Trust is like a car with our fuel – it can not move ahead.”∼ Invaji

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

TRUSTWORTHINESS
DEF: Being consistent in what you say & do – the same at work, at home & everywhere else. You don’t pretend to be someone else – you are accountable, reliable, responsible & resourceful. “Consistency reinforces trust.

We first need to be reliable toward our Inner Children. Then we’ll express that quality with others, which gives ACoAs the sense of empowerment we say we want. With an inner assurance & positive outer experiences, it reduces anxiety in ourself & the people we deal with.
Trustworthiness is based on a combination of our natural Personality, shared Values, Skills, Integrity & Good-will – which applies to all types of relationships.

BEING T. requires that WE:
• have mostly stopped obeying the Bad Parent voice & all it’s Toxic Beliefs
• are not driven by Self-Hate
• no longer have to lie in order to hide ourself (from the  ACoA Laundry List )
• be much less afraid of abandonment, so can take reasonable risks
WE:
• have burned off enough rage so we don’t have to take it out on others, no matter how subtly
• don’t need to compel anyone to stay with us, to insist others see us, to prove ourselves….
• are able to hear our own ‘still small voice’ & act on it
• know what our rights, skills & talents are, & not afraid to use them

POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS
Psychological – BE:
• first & foremost honest with yourself, based on self-esteem
• able to resist temptations to hurt others for your benefit
• fair in all your interactions – treat others as you want to be treated
• respectful of people’s point of view, even when you deeply disagree
UNIT in chargeBE:
• concerned for others as individuals who have their own path in life (not ours). It gives insight into why people do things or are the way they are
• empathetic with others’ difficulties whenever possible, without taking care of or fixing them
• sympathetic with others’ humanity – allow for faults & mistakes
• able to communicate accurately, openly & transparently (not manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, controlling, sullen or using CDs)

Practical – BE:
• dependable, keep your word, follow thru – within reason. Don’t over-commit, try to impress or promise things you can’t deliver or have no control over
• competent and efficient  – not perfect
• consistent and predictable – not controlling or rigid
BE:
• able to keep other people’s secrets & personal information to yourselfgood communiaction
• faithful & loyal to those who’ve earned your trust
• defend or protect others whenever possible
BE:
• able to listen carefully, with an open mind, without losing yourself
• willing to talk about what you personally know or have experienced, rather than spouting facts, exaggerating or being boastful
AND:
• defend or protect others whenever possible
• ask others about what they know & how they feel – do not be arrogant, superior, narcissistic
• share control, when appropriate, encouraging co-operation & allowing yourself to be supported

BENEFITS of being Trustworthy
happy kidRe. US
• We feel good about ourselves, have self-respect & can hold our head high in any situation
HINT: A happy Inner Child makes for a happy Adult!
• It represents good character (requires doing the ‘right’ thing even when it’s costly or risky), which allows us to build a good reputation
• We find & enjoy abundance in any area of life, & connect with others in our search for a satisfying existence

Re. OTHERSfrindly biz wmn
• Being authentic makes us stand out & become known for integrity
• It makes people want to be around us
• Others like dealing with us professionally, are pleased to see us socially & generally feel comfortable around us
• It makes it easier to get others to cooperate on projects & events
• It contributes to making our community & the world a better place

NEXT: ACoAs Rebuilding Trust – #1

HOW to TRUST

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how to trust 

IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting #4


LIE DETECTING
• To safely trust requires a relatively healthy Inner Self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically (in our gut).
> Safety does not come from being naive, a patsy or unrealistic, which is Over-T.

• Some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have a higher social IQ, while others have to work at it, but it can be accomplished.
When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix.  As we get to know them, we’ll be able to tell if they’re reliable, noticing things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evasion

Interesting: Nancy Carter & J. Mark Weber (2010) surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed that cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Scientists then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.

catch a liarTo everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting (others) participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores.
They were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical giveaways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch.
The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap! (MORE….)

This suggests:
• even though low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them – perhaps as a project of their own tendency to lie – they’re not very good at actually spotting when others are being dishonest
• because high-trusters are better at spotting lies, they’re less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & taking social risks. Also, people who are generally predisposed to trusting others are perceived by others to be trustworthy (MORE… )

PRACTICAL TRUST in BIZ comes from assessing someone’s:
a. Ability – basing expectations on some proof that a candidate has the knowledge & skill to function in a way that meets your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate. ONLY ask them for what you KNOW they have to offer from first-hand experience or reliable sourcesContrats

b. Integrity – how well the hired person sticks to principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties
EXP:  > your spouse keeping their promise of fidelity
> the company you work for provides all stated commitments
> the contractor does the remodeling job, & for the price quoted

c. Respect / Caring – in personal relationships, trust developed over time, so you know the person:
• cares enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way, OR
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’, OR
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru thick or thin, while still taking care of themselves  (MORE….)

You can Trust SAFE people by ALREADY HAVING the:
• Emotional health to rely on appropriate, safe others (being vulnerable enough), to give them the opportunity to treat you in a fair, open & honest way
• Ability to let safe people into your life & build relationships based on mutual respect, caring & concern, so both can grow & mature independently
• ‘Trust’ glue of good relationships, that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner assurance of acceptance from the person who you can share secrets with
• Assurance that things are fine between you – so that, come what may – nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other

BEING ABLEsafe people TO:
• Choose the right people to be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re ‘weak’ / needy
• Let safe-others know your emotions & reactions, with the confidence they’ll respect you & not take advantage
TO :
• Share your innermost Truth with a few others, with the belief – from experience – they won’t spread it around
• Assume safe-others won’t intentionally hurt or abuse you if you make a mistake
• Open up to let safe-others in on your background, problems, concerns & limitations, assured they won’t cut you off because of them.

NEXT: Being Trustworthy

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust #3

SITE: “5 Facets of trust”(Slide #6 & 29-33)
Cultivation & Manifestation of Trust


ATTITUDES that DEVELOP the ability to TRUST

• Self-acceptance: to do this we have to know who we are – good points & weaknesses.  There’s NO room for self-abuse, only realistic assessment of ALL our qualities, abilities & knowledge.  Improved self-esteem makes it safer to get close to people without fear of abuse or abandonment

• Self-disclosure of our woundedness:  Al–anon suggests that “You’re only as sick as your secrets”, so we need to air out our pain & distorted thinking – but ONLY in safe places & with healthier peopletrue inner-self

• A healing environment: good therapists, healers, teachers, recovery & spiritual groups.  As we grow we can change how we interact with significant others, which will lessen blame, accusations & acrimony on all sides

• Diminished fear: many of us will have to ‘act as if’ until we feel safer. Intense fears from the past can linger, & ‘new’ ones depends on negative self-talk & staying with unrecovered people. “If it’s hysterical, it’s  historical”. The less FoA & S-H we have the less our day-to-day fear.  In any case, even with our fears, we don’t have to restrict all our interactions & activities

• More openness: Others can’t connect with us if we keep hiding our True Self.  With Recovery we can risk being appropriately open with the right people, who have proven themselves kind & supportive, so that they can get to know & appreciate us

• Reduced Competitiveness: ACoAs don’t always want exactly what others have, but are envious (between 2 people) & jealous (between 3 or more) because they’re getting their needs met but we’re not allowed to! We feel deeply powerless, becoming enraged & obsessed. So the more we provide our needs, there’ll be less desire for competition or accusations of unfairness, reducing barriers between ourselves & others

Reverse• Remembering the balance of life: the “Boomerang Effect’’ shows that if we are dishonest, mistrusting, narrow-minded… we assume everyone else is too, & are more likely to meet up with the same type.
BUT if we practice being sincere, respectful, kind, open-minded (but not foolish), most people will respond by showing us their best side too. This is not the same as being a victim or people-pleaser, which some people can’t resist taking advantage of

• Hope in the overall good will of mankind: without it we become isolated & emotionally stuck. This comes from learning to recognize & pull out the ‘weeds & parasites’ in our life, & knowing that not everyone is narcissistic or dangerous

NOTE : Trust as a Virtue – in some cultures (rural, religious, fraternities, armed forces, police, gangs, tight-knit criminals….) cooperation & friendly social relations are based on mutual trust & trustworthiness, which are considered a prerequisite & great virtue (“I’m no snitch, I’ve got you back, blood is thicker than water….. ”) (Morton Deutsch, 1973)

HEALTHY PEOPLE WANT TO: 
• be honest with themselves & others in important matterscommunication
• tell their truth, or if they don’t feel safe doing so, be clear as to why
• opt for compromise when someone differs on important matters
• consistently keep their promises
• be respectfully direct & assertive, rather than aggressive or submissive

NEXT: HOW to Trust

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

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THE MORE I TRUST MY JUDGMENT
the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

 

Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.) All 3 must be prescompetenceent, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether referring to personal or business relationships

1. Competence / Results / Ability
Mental: The conscious ability to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” in order to identify which ones are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. Quote : “Reading reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: The demonstrated ability to get results – a combination of practical knowledge ➕ adapting to circumstances, allowing a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: This is when a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, tracking how they express their values in every-day life

Practical: The internal agreement between their values & actions make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & figure out what happened, taking responsibility for their part – without S-H, & work positively to improve future outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• Being aware of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions
• It’s based on genuinely valuing & respecting others. The emotional investment in people allows them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

HEALTHY TRUST (H.T.)
H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

H.T. assumes things usually work out, but can also deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  because we won’t automatically react from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish we could

H.T. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis &/or being in fantasy
H.T. is based on being awake in every situation, evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to our gut feelings (the YEAH or ICK factors). It’s when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive ‘high’ we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
Yuck!
This lala trance-state comes from the WIC, heading us to disappointment & danger, because the high hides our FoA, lack of Boundaries, & ultimately our Longing for an idealized mommy

TRUSTWORTHY People WILL :
• accept us for who we are – rather than what we sound like, how we look, what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (VS. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations
• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws

• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or being insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not try to fix / solve our problems)
• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)

• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not seen as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their capacity.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

TRUST

TRUSTING MY JUDGEMENT  
needs a healthy foundation!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

SITE: re. Trust issues, brief Questionnaire

TRUST (T) is valid when:
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
• we experience a positive outcome from trusting someone (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we were told about / receive the money we were promised / enjoy a shared experience ….)
fia-color
EXP:  Faith – the trust-er believes that their chosen path is pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of worry about what the outcome of faith-based decisions will be, whether successful & joyful or unpleasant & tragic

DIMENSIONS of TRUST
Delayed Reciprocity – a simple formula for creating trust is the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ which suggests that if I give you something now, I trust (hope, expect) that it will be repaid / returned, in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.  In a flexible environment I can get what I need when I need it, without having to pay right away, with the assumption that I’ll return the ‘favor’ when asked. Since this arrangement creates uncertainly, trust (& obligation) play a big part.

Exposevulnerabled Vulnerability – in a trust arrangement I may well be leaving myself open for my vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of.  The threat of pay-back or feeling guilty may curb the temptation to abuse my exposed ‘soft side’. But if you do use something against me I get hurt, end up with the shorter stick, & may punish you. SO for things to work between us successfully, I need to be able to trust that you won’t make me (or yourself) suffer.

Predictability – it’s normal for people to make forecasts, trying to figure out what other people will do or what will happen, for our ourselves personally & in the world in general. We want to spot and prepare for threats, as well as make plans to achieve longer-term goals.  The point of greatest unpredictability is at 50%, so a reliable enemy is ‘safer’ than an unpredictable friend – at least we know where we are with them.  If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a safe present and an even better future.

Value Exchange – Most of transactions in life are based on reciprocity, which works because we each Screen Shot 2015-09-20 at 9.27.35 PMvalue things differently. You need food & have a skill, I have money & need a job done. Trust in value-exchange occurs when we don’t know exactly whether what we’re getting is what we asked for & expect. It means making an exchange with someone when you don’t know very much (or anything) about them, their intention or what they’re actually going to provide.  (MORE……)

RECOVERY re. “UNDER-Trusting” post – here are some healthy internal responses we can develop for our own benefit, in relation those who —
• ignore us: Teach the WIC that no one can make us invisible! Some can see us & some cannot – that is no reflection on us (pun intended)!  When we have a True Self we are visible to ourselves & those who have ‘eyes’, knowing that we can’t make “blind people see colors!” Everyone else is only a potential connection, but not a necessary one

• are mean to us: We can develop the ability to stand up to them when appropriate & not a danger to us, or stay away from them altogether
• have good boundaries: It’s not their job to rescue or parent us. The distress that gets triggered is from our old wounds, not their behavior. This pain needs to be owned & dealt with in Program, therapy & our spiritual practice.  And we can also learn from these healthier people to develop our own limits & self-care

NEXT: Healthy Trust #3

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

catching myself

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust #2

 

“TRUST” comes from the German word “trost” meaning ‘consolation’, which implies feeling comfortable. In this context it’s relevant to remember that ACoAs almost never felt comforted growing up.
It’s one reason we were never able to trust! And now, as adults, we don’t realize how much we still need to be comforted, so we’re ashamed when we feel vulnerable, needy & ‘feeling sorry’ for ourselves

✶ Genuine trust is first & ultimately foremost about being able to trust ONESELF, a quality we cultivate via our True inner Voice. As an adult, it’s trusting your own judgement, knowing from experience & mindfulness that you will get what you’ve asked for – rather than being afraid & hesitantthumbsUp

A major factor for trusting others IS picking the right person, location, opportunity… that suits us & is do-able, staying away from those that are not.
While there’s a certain level of risk because people & life can be unpredictable, if we’re emotionally balanced, it’s possible to be confident enough to handle setbacks & disappointments

• ACoAs need & want safety above all else – even more than love – neither of which our parents provided enough of, so we believe we’re not entitled to it
• But we can’t feel safe if we can’t trust. AND we can’t trust as long as we’re flooded with Self-Hate! The Al-Anon preamble says “…..we will love you until you can love yourself”.

Healthy trust is not about who or what others are. This is hard for ACoAs to internalize because of co-dependence & S-H.  ACoAs need to find people & / or groups that are safe enough to help us heal so we can become kind to ourselves (via the Loving Parent) & trust that “I know what I know!” (via the Healthy Adult)

• Assumption: ACoAs usually think of trust only in the  POSITIVE – ‘I can rely on X…… I can expect Y to…..’, which is true but only unrealiablehalf the story, & encourages Over-Trusting

HOWEVER
• Balance: Healthy Trust also includes knowing who & what is NOT reliable. The characteristics & patterns of Damage are just as predictable & consistent as those of Health, but will only cause problems.

• We can trust that a specific person will continually abuse or disappoint us, based on their consistent pattern of behavior (patent, ‘friend’…)
• We can trust that a specific location will usually be unsuitable or dangerous (bars, some neighborhoods….)
• We can trust that a type of event is the wrong one for us……

Once we know what to look for we can see it all around us, & depend on the outcome to be harmful or just a waste of time – without having to be hit over the head each time!

EXP: If you’re not paying attention when you go into a room & sit down on the first chair that looks comfortable – you may be shocked & maybe injured if it collapses & you land on your butt – because you assumed all chairs are equally well made & sturdy

🍋 Yet that’s what ACoAs often do with people & situations – we don’t pay attention or evaluate who or what we’re getting involved with.  Many times we accept friends lovers, jobs, pets, invitations, apartments …. without asking: “What do I want? Is this something I’m interested in? Does this suit my needs or fit my personality?
AND: “What is this person/place telling we about themself?”

TRUST (T) is valid when:
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
fia-color• we experience a positive outcome from trusting the right person or info (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we heard about / receive the  promised money / enjoy a shared experience ….)
EXP:  Faith – the trust-er believes that their chosen path is pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of worry about the outcome of faith-based decisions will be, whether successful & joyful or unpleasant & tragic.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 2)