PREVIOUS : Money Madness & Spirituality

SITE: “A Balancing Act….” ⬆️
▪️”Climbing Wheel of Life” AND “Wheel of Life Self-Assessment Tool”
💓 “How to be Kinder to Yourself”

Why Is Self-Care (S-C) Important?
The World Health Organization (WHO) indicates that S-C has been linked to various benefits, such as : preventing disease, helping people cope better with illness, & encouraging longer life. ALSO encourages to :
◽️ Find a sense of purpose in life
◽️Improve energy, resilience & happiness

PHYSICAL
To think & feel better we need to take care of our body, since there’s a strong connection between it & the mind. Physical  S-C is about :
☀︎ what we eat, how much sleep we get, how much physical activity we do….
☀︎ keeping healthcare appointments, taking medication as prescribed… To keep the body running as efficiently as possible, identify areas that need attention, & list the actions needed to make improvements.

MENTAL
Our beliefs & the things we keep filling our mind with – greatly influence our psychological well-being.

Mental  S-C includes doing things that fuel our mind & keep it sharp, like puzzles, learning about a subject that fascinates you, figuring out a new hobby …. Best results come from constantly disagreeing with the Bad-Parent Introject, and by comforting the Inner Child.

EMOTIONAL
It’s crucial to develop good coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions (anger, anxiety, sadness….). Emotional s-c includes the internal ability to gently comfort oneself, along with identifying & coping with past triggers & present stressors.

A variety of activities are needed to help us acknowledge & regularly express emotion – in appropriate ways. S-C includes having safe people to unburden ourself to who are empathetic without trying to fix us. Another ‘tool’ can be to make time for leisure activities that allow us to relax & process our emotions.

SPIRITUAL
Research shows that a lifestyle including religion or spirituality is generally a healthier one. Nurturing our spirit will involve a daily spiritual practice, such as attending services, prayer & Bible reading. It can be anything that helps us develop a deeper sense of meaning, understanding, or connection with our place in the universe & what our life’s purpose is.

SOCIAL
Socialization is an important part of S-C, but it can be hard to make time for friends – beyond family & work obligations – so it’s easy to neglect other relationships when life gets busy. A few close connections are important for well-being, so we need to consciously pay attention to develop & maintain them by putting time & energy into the effort.

Everyone has different social needs. The key is to figure out what our personality & lifestyle can handle, building enough time in our schedule to create an optimal social life. EXP: Introverts need more alone time, while Extroverts crave more activities.

DEVELP a Self-Care PLAN
An effective plan needs to be tailored to your specific needs & life-style – created by you, for you. Customizing your own plan can prevent getting overwhelmed, & burned out.
Identify which categories of your life need some more attention & plan accordingly. Reassess your life often, because as situations changes, your S-C needs are likely to shift too.

Assess your Needs for the different parts of your life, & the list the main activities of your every-day (work, study, family, friends, fun, food, rest…) (POST : 3 categories of NEEDS )

Consider the Stressors in each of these areas, & list ways you’ve tried to deal with them – so far – that have not worked, & come up with new & better ways to minimize them
Research & implement S-C activities that will help you feel better in each category of needs.
EXP : Choose healthier friends, develop boundaries, cut out the narcissists…. that will build healthy social connections.

Become mindful of areas of life you’ve previous ignored, & consider what you’ll need tp do fill in those blanks

Take small steps you can handle right away- emotionally & practically. Change is usually slow, so don’t try to tackle everything at once. What matters is perseverance

Schedule ME-time. even when you’re convinced there’s no time to squeeze in one more thing. Make self-care a priority. As each part of yourself is attended to, you’ll be more effective & content. (VeryWellMind)

SITE: “Normalizing self-care for men”

NEXT: Spiritual depression

PREVIOUS : Resentment Recovery

SITE : “Drop the Rock – Removing Character defects”

POST: ACA 12 Steps

SELF-AWARENESS Qs
This list can be used as Inventory or as prompts for Journaling.
✦ Take ONE at a time – think bout it, before you write.
✦ You can jump around – pick the ones you want to answer first.  Some will be harder, & some won’t apply to you. MAKE it FUN.

✦ If you’re ambitious & curious to see what comes up — you can do 5 (brief) responses to any one of these Qs, from = the healthy Adult, the natural Kid, the wounded Kid, the healthy Parent & the Toxic Parent! You may be surprised what they each have to say! (Read summary of the 5 “Ego states“, then the expanded versions – 21 posts, Apr – May, in 2013. )
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Validating our RECOVERY
Growth lets us slowly uncover & appreciate our True Self (see “Positive 4th Step“) – the person we were born to be, & are responsible for developing. 
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Maya Angelou stated, “Do the best you can. Then, when you know better, do better.”
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Self-regulation is the ability to control behavior, by managing your thoughts & emotions in appropriate ways. Regulation-actions are ‘coping skills, used to influence a person or group, have a desirable or socially acceptable outcome to a goal, or get a beneficial, self-determined response to a stressful situation. (2024 includes 29 posts on this topic)
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💠  Personal Accountability : “The price of innocence is impotence”. ~from Conscious Business, by Fred Kofman

The Bystander is : a Blame-thrower, focuses energy on things beyond their control, sees Self as victim of circumstances. Uses 3rd person language
A Player is : Response-ABLE, focuses on their own area of control or influence.  When things go wrong, looks for explanations that include themself.  Uses “I” language
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NEXT : PMES + for SELF-CARE

PREVIOUS : Resentment – and FEAR inventory

SITE : “Quenching the Flames of Resentment” 

PPT = People, Places, Things

IRONY : “We have to get healthy enough to know how wounded we’ve been”. As we recover, instead of being totally immersed in our damage, the contrast becomes glaring, sometimes painful, but very rewarding & empowering.

Resentment is about not getting enough of our human needs met from our original family, & maybe from a society we were stuck in. So now – we’re waiting  / expecting / demanding that others provide all of them. That presents several problems. WE….
❤️‍🩹 ….. have to start by figuring out what we actually need, but have been brain-washed to not know what they are, & to deny any that show up from time to time – oh horror!
☁︎ …… compulsively  pick people who absolutely can not provide even our basic legitimate ones, then insist they have to! No matter how they disappoint, we keep chasing the impossible. (Post “Serenity Prayer backwards“)
🧰 ….. have not yet learned to grow a Loving Parent voice that would help heal the WICs (Wounded Inner Children), to comfort & guide them out of their Self Hate & Abandonment wound.

SO, to work on letting go of resentments – no matter how justified –  we must consistently meeting the needs we can every day, and actively search for & stay with PPT that can help provide those we can’t or don’t yet know how to.

When we’re ready to work on outgrowing our resentments – slowly, the WIC needs to know that we can be angry & hurt  without blaming ourself or attacking others. AND that our main reliance must be on our Adult voice, from our True Self, and Higher Power,  as in Steps 1,2,3.

LETTING GO of Resentments
1. Start by identifying the root causes – a journey of self-discovery, peeling back the layers. It allows you to stop the cycle of resentment, to find accurate resolutions. You’ll be able to find your voice to communicate what you truly want, instead of silencing your needs.

2. Make separate inventories of what’s important to you, & what you need to support your healthy boundaries.  What would it take for you to “settle the score”? Are you looking for an apology, &/or an explanation? Or are you looking to make amends.

3. Keys to handling any unresolved conflict include :
√ acknowledging where you stand on the issue that upset you
√ saying what you need in order to heal 
√ identifying your expectations of yourself & other(s)

STRATEGIES to Overcome Resentment
🕹️ Cultivate Empathy : Stepping into the shoes of others to understand their perspective helps develop Empathy, which is a great way to start shifting out of the resentment-trap. You may realize that most people don’t intentionally set out to hurt others (me)

🕹️ Express Emotions Constructively : First – give yourself permission to recognize & own all your emotions. They won’t lill you – they’re just feelings & they pass if you don’t obsess. Instead of sitting on them learn to express them in a healthy, non-confrontational ways.
Allow yourself to feel them, express them and move onto a safe space where you can heal

🕹️ Lean into self-compassion : Find ways to practice self-love & compassion – it will set you up for success now & in the future. Also, it will help you recognize that when you’re resentment-spiraling, you can be your own best friend.   But it’s OK to ask for support, because shifting out of resentment alone is not easy.

🕹️ Practice Forgiveness : This is maybe the hardest step, but also the most rewarding. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing harmful behavior, but rather freeing yourself from the burden of anger.

🕹️ Practice Gratitude : Putting this into action can take years of practice. When folded by doubt & negative thinking, consider the PPT that bring you peace & positivity. Try keeping a gratitude journal to keep track of all the things that make you happy & improve your health & wellness

🕹️ Practice Mindfulness : Being regularly, gently aware of my thoughts & emotions lets me catch a resentful attitude before it spirals out of control

🕹️ Use Professional Help ++ : The roots of resentment run deep,
🌱 so the right kind of professional guidance can be crucial in unpacking complex emotions & beliefs.
🌱 Because we are Spirit Beings, participating in a religious community which encourages our connection to Higher Power can relieve resentments by teaching spiritual principles, & providing both comfort & support.
🌱  Also, for many people, various 12 Step Programs have proven a life saver !

NEXT :  ——–, Part —

PREVIOUS : Resentment – Inventory Chart

POSTs  : ☀︎Controlling & Abandonment
☀︎ACoAs Abandoning Others  (#1a)

ALL ROADS lead to…… 
Although we’re most familiar with resentment being fueled by anger, if we dig far enough into our inner world, it actually stems from ACAs’ most basic & overwhelming fear of abandonment (FoA) we still carry in our body & soul. This core anxiety is an accumulation from all the years we experienced abuse & neglect growing up, in all 4 PMES levels = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual. 

Connections Between Resentment & Fear
📌 Cycle of Emotion: The interplay between fear & resentment creates a vicious cycle, the first slowly leading to the second, which in turn can worsen the fear, especially in close relationships

📌 Defense Mechanism of resentment – developed against deep feelings of vulnerability or inadequacy (S-H). It lets you project your fears on to others rather than confronting them directly

📌 Fear of Loss: Resentment can be formed by the anxiety of potentially losing something valuable, such as a special relationship, status, or opportunity. When you think of or actually notice that few of your needs are not being met – or not at all – you can feel resentful toward those you believe – or definitely know – are responsible

📌 Fear of Rejection: Resentment may develop when you’re  afraid or potential rejection & isolation. This can make you react in ineffective or self-defeating ways in reaction to slights or injustices

📌 Fear of Vulnerability: you may become resentful when you feel a threat to your physical  or emotional safety, or self-esteem. This fear can lead to being defensive & judgmental to others .
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ACAs ADDRESSING Fear  : All the 12 Steps help us deal with fear, even when we aren’t sure what we’re afraid of. But Step 4 is essential to understanding that emotion. It  encourages us to confront & accept our specific fears rather than avoiding them. This is required to break the cycle of any addiction, & build a foundation for long-term recovery

☀︎ Naming the Fear: A crucial goal of Step 4 is to identify & admit specific fears. That way we can understand their origins & how they influence behavior

☀︎ Seeing the Impact: Honestly identify how fear has shaped our  decisions which have affected our life, helps us see the broader impact on ourself & others, seeing the patterns of behavior that we’d like to change

☀︎ Building Courage: Taking a moral inventory requires courage. Sharing these fears with a sponsor or trusted member – of whichever Program you regularly participant in – can provide support & validation, helping to soothe our fear of judgment & abandonment.

Using the 12 Steps to deal with Fears
They provide a structured approach to recovery, emphasizing the importance of honesty, self-reflection, & spiritual growth. (AA Fear Inventory Example & Worksheet )
🔅 Admitting Powerlessness: Step 1 involves admitting we are powerless over any addiction & that life has become unmanageable – because of it/them. This often means being able to face our anxiety about loss of control. Then in steps 2 & 3, we ask for the Power greater than ourself to help manage our life

🔅 Taking a Moral Inventory: Steps 4, 5, 6 & 7 tell us to courageously make a list about ourself, then admitting any wrongs to God & another person, & become entirely ready to have them removed. We rely on Higher Power to strengthen us to uncover & address all our deep-seated fears  (ACA 12 steps Version)

🔅 Making Amends : Steps 8 & 9 focus on making amends to those harmed by our fear-based actions, which require facing others’ possible angry reactions or rejection

🔅 Seeking Spiritual Growth: Steps 10, 11 & 12 emphasize continuous inner reflection & spiritual growth, which helps build resilience when facing our fears. (REVISED – updated – AA Version)

NEXT : Resentment RECOVERY (Part1)

PREVIOUS : Effects, #b

AA’s Step Four : Listing our resentments

From pg.64 in the Big Book
“In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper…  Aside from confusion, the second obstacle some of us have encountered at Step Four has been in the short-sighted belief we had no resentments. Even if this is the case for you – just proceed by making a list of “people, institutions or principles” who you are still or have ever been angry with.

If you’re having trouble making the list, just think of the “complaints” you’ve had over the years (& might still have) against other people & situations that said or did things that bothered or aggravated you ( and some not directly done to yourself).  Don’t worry about how few or many names you think of at first. Just start a list of “justified grudges” you can remember having against others….

Remember, this is not about your character defects – that’s a separate list.
🥸 Value of doing this exercise is TO :
♦︎  clarify emotions & identify patterns in relationships or situations that trigger resentment, promoting better connections
♦︎ encourage self-awareness & promote emotional healing, leading to personal development
♦︎ get emotionally & spiritually honest, which builds integrity & can highlight your values
TO:
♦︎ identify your specific needs & goals, by seeing what hurts or blocks you from others
♦︎ minimize ‘vagueness’ & denial – common mental states for ACAs – by getting clear about what’s going on in you head
♦︎ potentially resolve ongoing conflicts with others (if possible & if they matter to you), by correcting miscommunications
♦︎ eventually use as a list for Steps 8 & 9 – whenever making amends is appropriate.

⬇️ Suggested situations & people who may have or still do upset you.
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⬇️  As guidance to filling in these columns, use the EXTENSIVE explanations of the 6 categories at “RecoveredOnPurpose” site, covering many areas, ++ worksheets, guides, support…..
ALSO : Info for Resentment & Fear Inventories

Combine these 2 forms – extending them as far down as needed. Below them is a suggested list you can apply to #3, & the narrow column identifies needs, interests & goals for #4. (see many Variations of this CHART). FYI – I added the 6th column.
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Resentment – Effects (#3a)

SITE:  “Impact of Resentment on Different Areas of Life” – (extensive info)

The Downside of Resentment
While resentment may have been helpful at first, what started as a way to avoid painful emotions gradually creates a cycle of bitterness & isolation. As a persistent attitude, its protective qualities become self-destructive, increasing the risk of mental health struggles.

❤️‍🔥 The negativity it carries often turns inward, eroding self-worth & well-being.  In trying to avoid feeling powerless, it ends up creating a psychological straitjacket, eating up huge amounts of mental energy used to keep ranting about actual physical abuse, & real or assumed emotional injuries.

Resentment’s quiet suppression of trauma can turn into a rigid & tense mental pattern stuck on a hamster wheel. The brain is hoarding unresolved emotions & thoughts hoping for the chance to be heard someday. So, while holding onto resentment is draining, it keeps a small spark of hope alive, preserving the possibility of future resolution.
In extreme cases, resentment can drive a person to lose touch with their own values & sense of self, longing for revenge. If the hunger for retaliation stays unfulfilled, the person feels defeated, a hopelessness that leads to depression. These limitations make it harder to break free.

Emotions live in our body as well as in the mind. A 2018 study in “Health Psychology” found that adults who held onto anger & hostility more than a decade experienced greater cognitive decline than those more apt to forgive.

While completing a physical test, participants in another study were asked to think of a conflict when they did not forgive someone. Those who said they were able to forgive —> felt they had a lighter physical burden, able to jump higher & perceived hills to be less steep – compared to the grudge-holders who were unforgiving & perhaps more pessimistic .

NEGATIVE EFFECTS of ⚡️ Resentment & Bitterness ….
🩺 Accelerated Aging
….can lead to premature aging of the skin, making you look older than your actual age.  Possibly one of the most surprising physical dangers is its potential to accelerate the aging process. Stress-induced inflammation has been linked to cellular deterioration & shortened telomeres (the protective caps on our DNA strands), associated with a higher risk of age-related diseases like cancer & dementia

🩺 Digestive Issues
…..can disrupt the delicate balance of the digestive system. The gut has been called our “second brain” because of its close connection to emotional well-being. Stress-induced changes in gut function can lead to acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), indigestion….. Also, emotional distress can leading to over-eating or under-eating

🩺 Elevated Blood Pressure
….. can raise blood pressure, a very real risk factor for heart disease & stroke. When in emotional turmoil, the body goes into fight-or-flight mode, causing the heart to pump harder & faster than usual. Over time, this extra strain on the cardio-vascular system can contribute to hypertension, which can also cause chronic kidney disease or failure. At the extreme it more than doubles the risk of mortality
                            ⚡️   Resentment & Bitterness ….
🩺 Increased Stress Levels
…. can lead to a host of physical issues.  The body’s stress response is continually activated, leading to anxiety, fatigue & irritability, because it reduces the brain’s production of oxytocin & raises cortisol levels. Stress leads to chronic anger, anxiety, & depression, along with spiraling negative thoughts, making it hard to experience positive emotions

🩺 Insomnia and Sleep Disorders
….can wreak havoc on sleep patterns. When consumed by negative feelings, the mind races, making it hard to relax & fall asleep. Even when we do manage to drift off, we’re more likely to experience disrupted sleep, waking up throughout the night. Chronic sleep deprivation is associated with a multitude of health problems, including diabetes, cognitive impairment & obesity

🩺 Muscle Tension and Pain
…. can manifest physically in the form of muscle stiffness, by unconsciously tense muscles, particularly in the neck, shoulders & back. Chronic tightness can lead to headaches & other chronic pain conditions, & eventually can severely limit mobility. It can also create a heightened state of alertness, so relaxation is almost impossible. All these problems will harm the overall quality of life

🩺 Weakened Immune System
… can become more susceptible to infections, & it takes longer for the body to recover when we do get sick.
The link between emotions & the immune system is well-known. Research has shown that chronic resentment persistently releases  stress hormones which suppresses immune functioning. One exp. is Chronic fatigue Syndrome.

NEXT : INVENTORY Chart

PREVIOUS : SIGNS – being a Target,  #A

SITE : “Embracing Bitterness: The Benefits of Resentment”

CHARACTERISTICS
Resentment may prevent PTSD but also propels alienation & aggression.
The term originates from the Latin “ressentire,” meaning “to feel again,” which clearly describes the rehashing of past grievances that fuel resentments any time they surface.
Unlike anger, which wants to be expressed immediately, resentment is often hidden – a passive form of defiance bubbling underneath, unexpressed yet intense.
It’s the brain’s own personal theater of misery, where the same painful scene plays on repeat. This can lead to a distorted view of reality, where we see slights & injustices lurking around every corner.
➡️ Some emotional effects of resentment – each carrying its own weight.

Of the various feelings available,  resentment is especially intriguing because of its secretive quality, its connection to violent acts & trauma, & its large role in interpersonal relationships.  Unlike emotions that show on our face & with body positions, resentment doesn’t have a universal signature expression, making it harder to detect, & therefore more dangerous, especially when it motivates overt abuse & revenge.

As adults, this silence comes from a belief that expressing needs & feelings is unacceptable. Sometimes this is true, but if dealing with healthier people, the fear is a projection of our own judgments (S-H and FoA) and from still believing the toxic rules of the dysfunctional family.

Neurobiology has been instrumental in uncovering the roots of traumatization, its resolution, & its prevention. Resentment involves complex neurological processes linked to emotional regulation, memory, social cognition, & a potent cocktail of emotions that include frustration, envy, even a perverse sense of satisfaction in our own suffering.
It’s a reaction of our nervous system to being stressed for a long time – as Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. If we don’t know how to access Rest & Digest– we end up exhausted & burnt out.

Brain Regions involved in Resentment
🌱 Amygdala:  Plays a key role in processing emotions, particularly fear & anger
🌱  Prefrontal Cortex: Involved in decision-making & impulse control. Helps to regulate emotional responses which can lighten resentment
🌱 Hippocampus: Important for memory formation – contributing to remembering old grievances, since we’re wired to remember negative experiences more vividly than positive ones.

ADAPTIVE use for Resentment
Surprisingly, resentment seems to play a crucial part in helping the brain avoid the depths of despair that can lead to PTSD.  It acts as a psychological safeguard offering a useful perspective on trauma recovery – since the ability to feel resentful is deeply embedded in our psyche, linked to many stressful experiences of helplessness, injustice, oppression, & unfairness.

Resentment is an intricate emotion, hiding under the surface. Unlike the more direct forms – joy, fear, or anger.…- resentment tends to be subtle, quietly affecting our attitude.
🫲🏼🫱🏼 It intertwines strong inner emotions with an outer expression of calmness (unemotional), creating a unique mix of tension & restraint, as the Sympathetic  (SNS) & Para-sympathetic systems (PSNS) are activated simultaneously.

This combination acts as a protective pause, allowing the upset person to hold back rather than react impulsively.   If we stop holding onto a grudge  used as protection against ‘flooding’- without a resolution –  our nervous system may trigger dissociation, eventually leading to PTSD symptoms.
And unlike trauma responses that overwhelm, pushing our survival instincts into overdrive ——> resentment modifies that intensity, allowing us to stay awake & vigilant without losing control or dissociating (numbing emotions).  

From an adaptive perspective, resentment can act as a mental shield, especially when directly confronting (old or current) abuse feels too risky or simply isn’t possible. While being traumatized can lead to psychological collapse by feeling defeated, resentment offers a buffer, temporarily holding helplessness at bay. This keeps a flicker of our fighting spirit alive.

OVERVIEW of Resentment Benefits :
✒︎ Coping Mechanism – to manage feeling powerless.  Provides a sense of control by focusing on external sources of frustrations
✒︎ Emotional Response – indicates mistreatment or injustice, and can signal violation of personal boundaries
✒︎ Motivation –  to address grievances. Can lead to making needed changes or desirable reparations
✒︎ Social Function – warn others about their unacceptable behavior. Strengthens group identity by uniting members against a common perceived wrong.

NEXT : Effects, #3b

PREVIOUS : RESENTMENT – Couples (#2c)

SITE : “Passive-aggressive ‘Nice’ Comments” LIST 

IN Personal Relationships (cont)
When someone silently resents YOU, & never says what’s bothering them, you get the indirect treatment – often a slow, gradual shift in their attitude, away from their previous friendship or camaraderie. Because the signals are subtle, you feel uncomfortable but can’t put your finger on your unease. It’s confusing & may make you think you’re imaging things, or going a little crazy. Especially if you ask them what’s wrong & they look puzzled, denying everything.
THEY
√ Mirror You Less & Less — In healthy connections, people mirror each other – body language, tone, even rhythm in conversation. When someone resents you, that synchronicity starts to fade. They stop matching your style & personality. You’ll notice shorter replies, fewer smiles, & a complete lack of emotional engagement. You can feel them purposely withdrawing, even if their words sound polite. That emotional disconnection speaks louder than any argument.

√ Offer Compliments That Feel Backhanded – You’ll notice their praise always comes with a sting. They’ll say things like “Must be nice to have that kind of free time,” or “I could never get away with doing what you do.” It sounds polite, but the tone is off. The words don’t land with warmth. Over time, these subtle jabs leave you second-guessing whether they’re happy for you – or quietly irritated by your success.

√ Pull Away Without Explaining Why –  Someone who resents you often stops engaging the way they used to. They don’t return calls, take longer to respond, or act distant in group settings. But they won’t say they’re upset. Instead of addressing the issue, they create space & wait for you to feel it. It’s not just the distance that stings – it’s the way it suddenly appears without a conversation.

THEY
√ Seem Easily Irritated By You — Little things you normally do suddenly start to bother them. Your stories take too long, your laugh is too loud, your opinions feel don’t make sense….  You start to feel like you’d better walk on eggshells around them. What was never a problem now triggers eye rolls or short answers. They never say anything directly, but their attitude feels like they’re wrapped in a thin fog you can’t penetrate. They’re losing patience, & it’s not about a specific issue.

√ Seem Uncomfortable When You’re Vulnerable — Opening up to them used to feel safe, but now they’re stiff, distracted, even dismissive. They might change the subject, make a joke, or offer a bland response. When resentment creeps in, empathy is often one of the first things to go. Vulnerability becomes inconvenient , the annoying. instead of valued. Over time, you stop trusting them with anything real.

√ Stop Celebrating Your Wins  – When good things happen to you, they go quiet. No congratulations, no excitement, maybe just a faint nod. They come up with a totally different topic, or worse – make it all about themself. It’s not always that blatant, but there’s a clear lack of enthusiasm for your good news. When someone resents you, your ‘wins’ feels like a threat instead of a reason to cheer

AND – √ They Pretend Everything’s Fine — The loudest resentment is silent. They smile, make small talk, & act perfectly civil, but there’s no warmth. Everything is superficial & feels rehearsed. Their eyes don’t light up when you walk in anymore, & the old closeness has been replaced by a polite distance. You don’t need an outright fight to know when something real has faded. They’ll never confront the issue directly because they’re a coward, so they’d rather sweep it under the carpet.

AT WORK
🚶🏽‍♀️‍➡️ Look for changes in behavior, such as avoidance, negative comments, or passive-aggressive actions
🚶🏽‍♀️‍➡️Pay attention to body language which may indicate hurt feelings or outright hostility
🕴🏻Identify potential reasons for their resentment, such as competition, misunderstandings, or past conflicts
🕴🏻 Keep a professional attitude, regardless of the other’s behavior
🕴🏻Avoid gossiping about the situation with other colleagues
🕴🏻 Consider if your actions or decisions may have unintentionally contributed to their upset.

📕 Keep a record of specific incidents that expresses the resentment, including dates & other details.This can be useful if the situation escalates or requires formal intervention.

NEXT : RESENTMENT – Sings of Being the Target (#B)

PREVIOUS: Resentment Signs – Couples (#2c)

3 POSTS : “SECRETLY Angry NICE People”

Resentment occurs when someone feels bitterness & anger because of perceived unfair treatment by or unmet expectations from you.
Summary :
💔 Frequent Complaints: regularly expresses dissatisfaction about you or your actions
💔 Negative Body Language: avoidance, crossed arms, no eye contact
💔 Passive-Aggressive Treatment: backhanded compliments, sarcasm &/or indirect criticism
💔 Withdrawal: reduced communication & social interaction

Resentment doesn’t always come with a confrontation.
More often, it shows up in small, hard-to-place moments —- just enough to leave you feeling unsettled, but not quite sure why. When someone harbors resentment toward you, they may not say it out loud, but their energy shifts. Here’s how it starts to show.

THEY
√ Act Supportive when Around Others, But Not when Alone  — In group settings they may act perfectly friendly – laughing, chiming in, even seeing to be encouraging. But when it’s just the two of you, the energy shifts. They’re cold or uninterested. This inconsistency can be confusing. It seems like they want others to think everything’s fine, but don’t actually enjoy your company anymore. The warmth becomes performance, not connection.

√ Avoid Asking About Your Life — When someone resents you, they often stop showing interest in your world.  They may still talk to you, but only about surface things or about themself. They don’t ask follow-up questions, avoid eye contact when you talk, or steer the conversation away from anything that matters to you. It’s subtle, but over time, you start feeling invisible around them.

√ Cheer Louder for Others — It’s hard to miss when someone goes out of their way to support everyone else except you. They’ll hype up mutual friends, share others’ achievements, or generously offer help  – but are silent when it comes to you. It’s not about jealousy. It’s about withholding. Their actions aren’t overtly nasty — they’re just ‘selective’. And cutting you out is where the resentment quietly lives.

THEY
√ Correct You More Than They Encourage You  – They start nitpicking—not in a helpful way, but in a way that feels like they’re waiting for you to slip. Whether it’s how you talk, how you dress, or something small you posted, they always find something to critique. The feedback isn’t constructive—it’s passive-aggressive. It feels less like concern and more like they’re keeping score or trying to knock you down a notch.

√ Downplay Your Experiences — When you share something you’re struggling with, they don’t empathize — they minimize. “That doesn’t sound so bad,” or “I’ve dealt with worse.” It’s a subtle way of making you feel smaller, as if your problems don’t count. People who resent you usually unwilling to validate your pain. They’d rather diminish it so they don’t have to offer support they don’t feel anymore

√ Give You the Bare Minimum — They’re not mean, just… indifferent. They don’t go out of their way for you, don’t show up when it matters, & rarely initiate anything. It’s a slow fade – not enough to confront, but enough to feel. People who resent you won’t always walk away. Some just stick around, offering less & less, hoping you’ll notice the gap without them saying a word.

THEY
√ Keep Score in Subtle Ways — You’ll hear quiet reminders of what they’ve done for you or how often they’ve ‘been there’ when you weren’t. It’s not always direct, but you can tell they’ve been keeping a list. They may bring up old favors or unspoken expectations, not out of kindness but as leverage. Under it all, they’re hoarding frustration about feeling unacknowledged or imbalanced, & it leaks out slowly.

√ Laugh, But It Feels Like a Dig — Inside jokes are fine, but when the teasing feels pointed or oddly consistent, something’s off. People who resent you often hide their anger in humor. They’ll make comments that leave you unsure if you should laugh or feel insulted. The worst part is that if you speak up, they’ll brush it off with “Relax, I’m just kidding – you’re being too sensitive !” But you DO feel the tension underneath.

NEXT : RESENTMENT – Signs of Being the Target (#B)

PREVIOUS : Resentment – SIGNS (Part 2b)

Sneaky SIGNS of Resentment           in Relationships

1. Changes in Communication
Notice shifts in communication about how you express yourselves & react to each other.  Signs of resentment can be insidious & small verbal & nonverbal behaviors, such eye-rolling, sighing,  more edginess or a negative tone in the voice , a general lack of respect or value for your partner’s opinions or actions, and invalidation.

Over time these reaction builds up & poisons many of your interactions   If you find there are  changes in the tone, frequency or style of communication with your partner – look for what might be happening under the surface – what’s a deeper issue?

2. Keeping Score
Sometimes score-keeping is unspoken, while in other situations it will be more obvious. You might notice that you constantly have to sacrifice your own wants & needs, which can lead to becoming resentful. You start keeping track of the other’s mistakes or past ‘offenses’, using them as ammunition in future conflicts. 

 One partner will often bring up old grievances, focusing on tit-for-tat.   Another might be adding up who is contributing more to keeping things running smoothly or working harder, & won’t feel any empathy for them or their reasons/ excuses. 

3. Avoid Spending Time Together
It’s healthy for couples to have their own interests & friends who they see separately, but it’s a big red flag if one or both partners keep finding excuses to ignore each other or get out of spending solo time together.  If  you aren’t interacting as much as you used to, you likely feel emotionally disconnected from your partner.
√ Are you avoiding certain conversations? √ Are you making excuses for being less available?

4. Criticism and Blame
According to Dr. John Gottman, criticism is one of the biggest signs of trouble in a relationship. His “4 horsemen” of a relationship apocalypse are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling.

A definite sign of resentment is Blaming ― making the other person the scapegoat for their own unhappiness. Do you keep judging, complaining or picking at the other ? ASK :  
√ Do you feel superior, thinking “what’s your problem? I would never do something like that….”
√ Do you rage, instead of just being mildly annoyed about small irritations?

5. Emotional Outbursts or Coldness
Resentment is ‘clever’ in the way it masks anger. You eventually realize the gradual build-up of unmet expectations & needs has turned into resentment. Arguments or fights about unimportant things always cover larger past issues, with hidden feelings of distrust & disgust.

It may have crept in as increased irritability at home. And when pent-up feelings are finally released, it can be in the alternating form of emotional outbursts & giving the silent treatment.

Ongoing stress can make us more easily aggravated or actually angered. If you experience yourself not seen, heard or supported enough, you may turn the partner into a villain.  That can happen because wounds from our pasts are being activated, so you think the current person is intentionally trying to hurt you – like your family did. Your direct or indirect accusation will make the other person defensive, even totally withdraw. (CAVEAT : this is not referring to some partners very real ‘ narc patterns.)

6. Complaining Behind Their Back
Resentment in a relationship leads to less empathy for the partner. A little venting to your friends here & there is normal, but pay attention if it’s constant & gets excessive.
Besides regularly complaining to your partner about things they do that bother you or that you hate – resentment can show up in the way you talk about your mate to other people like he or she is a terrible person, especially inappropriate & harmful when done in front of the partner.
NOTE : These are ways to shame the partner, get others to be on your side, & get sympathy without making changes you may need to take.

7. Changes in Intimacy
Resentment can affect physical & emotional connection. One or both might withhold or minimize affection, sex, & emotional availability – for months, even years.
You know that what you’re experiencing isn’t the way it was in the beginning ― less tolerance & less prioritizing of each other.

❣️ Resentment thrives in silence but softens with communication & self-reflection. Once you notice these losses, talk about it as soon as possible, rather than letting the changes fester or go unresolved. This may require couples’ therapy. Remember ==  this does not have to mean the end of the relationship – unless you want it to. 😔

(Based on a Tracy Ross, article)

NEXT : RESENTMENT- Others (Part 2c)