acoa recovery

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? – Intro (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

caught in their mess

 

I KEEP GETTING CAUGHT UP
in these messes with people!

PREVIOUS: “What just happened” (#1)

 

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

PURPOSE of the INVENTORY (in Part 4)Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.32.57 AM
We can use the Qs to strengthen our HEALTHY ADULT to be more in charge in the future, whatever the circumstances.
We can LEARN about:
1. OURSELVES – strengths, weaknesses, style, beliefs, needs, wishes…
a. conscious parts we ignore, don’t accept or deal with, parts we’re working on, need to pay more attention to, are OK with…
b. aspects that are hidden in the shadows which ‘force’ us to act out old fears & beliefs AND prevent us from shining our inner light

2. WHAT to expect – so we’re not shocked & reactive, every time.
ACoAs have a built-in ‘forgetter’ after experiencing a run-in with painful people & situations which mirror of our childhood trauma
a. In the present we bury the knowledge we could have gained from this encounter, & are then “taken by Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.27.10 AMsurprise” for the umpteenth time when dealing with the same situation – again! as if it had never happened before

b. Even when encountering an unpleasant stranger, the interchange with them is often similar to others of that type, but we’re still surprised, not able to assert ourselves, shocked into muteness… OR over-react from the WIC’s old rage.

INTERCHANGES that hurt — 
a. but are not even remotely about us
EXP: Mona is an acupuncturist & is at a banquet honoring a prominent friend of hers. She starts talking to a man at her table & eventually they exchange business cards. He’s relatively friendly at first, but looking at her card, he becomes quite hostile, bad-mouthing her profession. She’s shocked & hurt.

Excusing herself, Mona moves to a distant table. After mulling it over for a while she goes back & asks him “What just happened?”. Slightly calmer, he tells about a very bad experience the only time he ever went to get acupuncture – when he almost became paralyzed from a cramp in his back & could hardly breathe. He didn’t apologize, but Mona was satisfied.

b. occur when we accidentally step on someone toes
EXP: Sandi gives Joe a CD of Edith Piaf for his B/day, knowing how much he loves her Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.53.00 AMmusic. He’s thrilled & puts it on speaker. Sandi ‘hates’ Piaf (which he doesn’t know) & asks him to play it later. He wants to know why & she admits Piaf doesn’t suit her.

He feels hurt – as if it’s as an attack on his taste (taking things personally & being ‘over-sensitive’). Then he gets angry & attacks her for being insensitive & having no taste in music!
Sandi explains that Piaf’s voice & music are too painful to listen to, which has nothing to do with him or his taste! This only moderately mollifies him.

c. are actually meant as a positive, but are said ‘wrong’Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.42.57 AM
EXP: While visiting a friend, Pat mentioned that she goes to her dentist on Sundays, since he didn’t work on the Sabbath. Her friend said “Only you could have found a dentist to see on Sundays!”  Pat was hurt & angry, but didn’t say anything for a week. It reminded her of being teased at home & in school.

After going thru the 30 Qs (Part 4), she called her friend. “Bobby, remember what you said last week about my dentist?”
-pause- “No”.
“You said…. & what I heard was that you were making fun of me, like – I’m so weird…”
-pause- “No, what I was saying was that I admired you for your cleverness…”
-pause-  “OH!. Well, thanks. But it would have been clearer if you’d said that!”

NEXT: “What Just Happened?” #3

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

attitude 

YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WHAT?
I’d rather do it my way!

PREVIOUS:   Negative Benefits (Part 2)

SEE posts:“Denial & Acting out”
“The UNIT: Healthy Adult, Loving Parent”

PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual

DENIAL & RESISTANCE
Why do we keep blanking on what we’ve learned in Recovery?  Because even ACoAs who are sincere about self-growth – have a powerful built-in forgetter, pounded in place by our family. We can hear the same thing over & over, & still….

So, when clients are asked* some basics of ACoAs damage & recovery, such as:
a. “What is self-hate & why did we develop it?”
b.  “What do we need to have in place in order to have good boundaries?”
c. “How does this problem of anxiety relate to your childhood?”
d. “Why do you need to stay vague about your finances?” …..
…. they often give a blank stares & shrug, even after years of Program & therapy!

• ACoAs are not stupid people.  In spite of ADD, depression, hormone imbalances or other issues – we remember lots of other things – like how to do our jobs, how to surf the web, how to buy a house or car, how to expend lots of futile energy giving great advice to friends, lovers, family – that we don’t use for ourselves ….. but NOT what we’ve learned about our own damage OR about mental health!  adults-acting-childish
(adults acting like school kids  —>)

So if we want to keep growing, it’s very important to keep looking for the unhealthy payoffs (same as NB) behind our self-defeating patterns.

✶ ANSWERs to the above Qs :

a. If we did understand what S-H is truly about, it would be harder & harder to maintain. THEN we’d have to deal with the intense pain & rage of the many ways we were neglected, abused & abandonment by our family.

NB: Keep all that swept under the rug – locked away in a dark room of our unconscious.  The WIC thinks that if you ignore something scary, it doesn’t exist.  Too bad it doesn’t work that way!

b. To have good boundaries we need to:
1) know what our needs are
2) give ourselves permission the actually have those need
3) actively go about meeting those needs, a day at a time.
It would mean disobeying fundamental Toxic Rules, taking care of ourselves, not staying a victim (which we were originally) & stop waiting to be rescued

NB: Not have to be in charge of our own life – not ‘grow up’ emotionally, & face angry or fearful reactions from our family & ‘friends’ if we were to get better (we think it prevents getting abandoned – but that has already happened by those people!)S-H

c. Identifying how each problematic situation / relationship / emotion / pattern – in our life mirrors our childhood (S-H) would mean having to face what our parents were really like, what they did to us, what they didn’t provide…. which IS reflected in how we treat ourselves now.  We’d have to break many illusions & feel the deep hurt & longing of our eawrly years

NB: Not have to do an extensive written family inventory, to look at these realities on a deeper level – even when we think we’ve dealt with our issues or that we already know all about what happened.

d. To stop being vague about anything (our finances, time, our emotions, our knowledge…) means identifying the Toxic Messages we’re still obeying, feeling the old terror & having to take full responsibility for our actions in the present. S & I = becoming your own person, the one you were born to be, minus your damage!

NB: Not having to fully acknowledge knowing how bad it was growing up, not dealing with our accumulated old pain, not having to separate from the dysfunctional system we grew up in — which the WIC thinks means abandoning them, & us being alone forever!

NEXT: Neg benefits #4

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 2)

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annoyanceHOW CAN A BENEFIT BE NEGATIVE?
I think you’re just messing with me!

PREVIOUS: Negative Benefits (Part 1)

 

 

Examples of
How NEGATIVE BENEFITs (N.B.) keep us from healing
a. NOT have to GROW UP, be responsible
PATTERN: Many ACoAs stay isolated, severely under-earning, unloved, unproductive, living in dirty, immaturecluttered environments, joy-less, suicidal…
OR focus all their attention on taking care of others, so they can look ok, the good guy/gal – but are also depressed, full of shame, self-hate & hidden anger

N.B. … STAY SICK rather than develop S & I, which is letting go of the symbiotic attachment to their cruel upbringing & becoming their True Self

b. NOT have to face OLD PAIN (life & death)
PATTERN: A woman was forced to take care of her filthy, violent, mentally ill mother from age 10, when her father abandoned them. At age 45 she finally put her mother in a home & promptly developed Scleroderma as a guilt/ stress reaction. Eventually she became bed-ridden, with excruciating migraines, barely able to make logical sense – although she had been an intelligent & talented artist.
She spent her last 25 yrs isolated, depressed, with almost no practical self-care, filled with shame about every aspect of her life.
Occasionally she was in contact with her father who had remarried another cruel woman. When he died at age 96 – the daughter went into a rapid decline & died alone, in less than a year…

N.B. … rather than emotionally re-experience & process the horrors of being an only child of a passive, depressed father & violent, psychotic mother (left the infant with souring baby bottles & soiled diapers…..)
Therapy helped diminish her self-hate, but she was never able to go deep enough to heal the rage, sorrow & loneliness held in her body

c. NOT have to feel LONELINESS Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 8.11.37 AM
PATTERN: Many ACoAs over-work, care-take, self-medicate with sex / social media / addictions, hanging on to bad relationships no matter how harmful….. One woman stayed with her very abusive husband for 35 yrs, until he died. Instead of creating a life for herself (at 62) – she too died – 8 months later!

N.B. … rather than face the emotional & practical stresses of being alone, having to feel the emptiness of loss and old abandonment, & having to care for herself, deal with finances……

d. NOT have to TAKE CARE of oneself
PATTERN: A competent, creative woman in her 50‘s developed chronic pain from an auto-immune illness.  on strike
Q. put to her: “Are you willing to give this pain up?”  Inner Child answered ‘NO’ – because = being disabled was ‘getting taken care of, legitimately’.  She was tired of doing it all on her own – carrying the burden of the Hero Role. Her Kid wasn’t allowed to be nurtured, but this way she could get practical help, be felt sorry for, lauded for soldiering on….

N.B. … rather than having to continue taking care of herself, which she’d been doing her whole life as an only child of a cruel narcissistic mother & distant, depressed father

e. NOT have to DISOBEY toxic FAMILY RULES
PATTERN 1: A beautiful, bright young woman in the big city was put under an unbearable family demand to continue rescuing her “poor, suffering mother & sisters” (who had always treated her cruelly) – by regularly sending them all her earnings.  Feeling obligated but very resentful, she made sure to only work at menial jobs she hated (under-earning) & live on as little as possible – so she could ‘honestly’ say she didn’t have any $$ to send!

N.B. … rather than say “I’m sorry, but I can’t take care of you any more, I have to live my own life!”, then face her guilt & their scorn (abandonment) – which had already happened, of course! don't disobey

PATTERN 2:  In his culture, a Native American man was taught that to be an active artist, one must drink.  No alcohol – no creativity! No argument! He always wanted to write plays & get them published, but got deep into alcoholism. Before it could kill him, he got sober.  5 yrs later he still hadn’t ‘picked up a pen’. He was stuck, & miserable.

N.B. … rather than go against (separate from) a national culture, not just his family – but the whole tribe!  Talk about abandonment!

NEXT: Negative Benefits (Part 3)

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 1)

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neg.benefitsYOU CAN’T MAKE ME GIVE THIS UP !
I’d rather be miserable than face that pain!

PREVIOUS: “They did the best they could”

SITE: 10 Worst Habits for Mental  Health

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

INTRO
Negative Benefits (NB) is a new concept for many people. A web search found nothing about this important idea.  When clients are asked what they get out of continuing a harmful behavior or thought pattern, they usually say “I don’t get anything out of it – it’s just what I know, a habit”.  They’re indignant that they’re even asked.  They only hear the word ‘benefit’ & can’t imagine that anything self-destructive can have a reward!

• Familiarity & habit are not the only reasons destructive patterns persist. The deeper truth is that we DO get something from hanging on to those old ways of acting & thinking – they’re a form of protection (defense mechanisms) against facing childhood issues that feel too terrifying to deal with.

So yes, they provide us with Negative Benefits. In reality the ‘protection’ they seem to offer comes at a high price – in grief, in more abandonment, shame, self-hate, loneliness, ill-health, bad relationships, depression, lost opportunities…. yet we protect them with our life, literally, until we do enodefensesugh FoO work to not need them – as much.
SO – to understand what Negative Benefits (NB) are, we have to start with:

DEFENSES
These are unconscious human psychological strategies our mind develops to protect us from having to deal with painful traumatic realities we can’t handle.
They’re also used to maintain our self-image – a mental picture of ourself we can live with, in the face of inner conflicts – between what we think we are & what we wish we were.

• Everyone needs defenses to manage. However, when we experience long-term stress as children our defenses become rigid armor & walls, which are hard to penetrate & hard to dissolve. They’re expressed in the form of Character Defects – self-defeating behavior patterns which can be seen as forms of Self-hate, SUCH AS:
😱 abusive behavior, being controlling, closed-minded, co-dependent, dishonest, isolating, negative thinking / pessimism, narcissism, perfectionism, prejudice, resentment, rationalizing, selfishness, self-justification…..(Immature)

• These T.E.A. patterns sustain our denial by protecting against old pain:
— (E)motional: our abandonment terror, deadly loneliness, murderous rage, profound hopelessness, terrible longing for the impossible….
— (T) Mental: a deep-level KNOWING that they weren’t there for us, &/or tortured & neglected us, which was potentially lethal & which the WIC still believes can destroy it.
So, no matter how self-destructive or lala a defensive pattern is – we will do almost anything to hold on to it – even in Recovery – because:

a. the WIC is in charge of our inner life, until we develop the UNIT, the Healthy & Loving Inner Parent with must replace the PP’s bad voice ( Introject)

b. AND, the kid is beyond-convinced that our long-time defenses are not as life-threateningly dangerous (bad for us) as what’s underneath, hidden in our unconscious

• REVIEW: dysfunctional patterns ‘protect’ us from facing what we consider unbearable knowledge (T) & terrifying emotions (E) from the past, as well as having to deal realistically with functioning (A) in the present. They represent Freud’s ‘Repetition Compulsion’, which is so evident in the lives of most ACoAs. Yes, the pain accumulated from childhood is bad, but not dealing with it cripples or kills us in so many PtraumaMES ways

➼ In simplest terms, the main reasons we hang on to the old ways with both fists, as if it were a life-preserver is:
1. because our brain has been programmed from birth, & those grooves (neural pathways) are very deep. It takes LOTS of knowledge, repetition, perseverance & patience to make new, stable grooves
2. since our WIC believes it needs the psychological negative benefits to survive – it will take a lot of time & effort to develop the new UNIT that can take over the reins from the WIC & PP.

NEXT: Negative Benefits EXAMPLES (Part 2)

“They Did the Best They Could” (Part 2)

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denial  PREVIOUS : They did the best … (#1)

 

First – Review Part 1

2. DENIAL : Re. US (cont.)
i. PROBLEM
We want to ‘forgive’ without going thru the process of healing!
• Most of our parents may not have been evil – although some definitely were, & some things they did are unforgivable.
And some ACoAs determined to ‘have it out’ with a parent or other abuser, or try to explain our experience & point of view. So we’ve tried, over & over, but got flat denial or more abuse. It’s been an absolute waste of time – they don’t want to know!repetition compulsion

➼ Motivation
WHY do we want to approach them about the pain they caused? Usually it’s because the WIC wants to do the impossible – change them, get them ‘to see’, force them to admit their culpability, OR just hurt them back….
ii. REALITY
• our WIC is still in deep shock. We need to identify & validate those early experiences before we can let ‘move on’. Until then, our life is run by our damage
• we are very angry at them. We need to feel it, but only in safe ways & places, away from them – with people who can hear our pain & don’t have a stake in shutting us up
• we need a clear picture of the toxic lessons we learned, so we know what to change
• we have to stop wanting our unavailable family’s approval & love, since they can’t because they haven’t dealt with their early damage, & probably never will.
As adults, some of us have a better relationship with parts of our family, but most don’t. We have to accept that or we’ll keep feeling devastated

• we can’t afford to exonerate them, to white-wash the abuse & neglect.  It’s what they taught us to do – to never hold them accountable.  SO now we don’t hold others accountable either for bad behavior, letting ourselves be exploited

➼ WHY is this this process important? Because – as long as we negate their responsibility, we take it on as ours.
We need to see the truth, not them, so we can stop copying old patterns (Freud’s Repetition Compulsion)

• This bears repeating – self-hate tells us we always cause all our suffering – old & new. This is a lie.  Just think – our parents were fully formed & set in their ways before we were born, no matter how young they were. We could not possibly have been bad enough as ages 2, 5, 10…. to warrant the neglect, punishments & accusations we got! It was their damage, their rage, their abandonment pain, their addictions, their anxiety – NOT US!

BTW, sometimes it’s OK to talk with family members – if they are willing, to ANSWER questions about :
— what they remember about us as kids, & their early experiences with us (be specific)
— about a parent’s childhood & life before having us kids

Also ASK our siblings what their experiences were in our family, & how they saw things back then.
It can be very helpful, because each kid’s experience is different, which can round out our understanding of what we lived thru.

• And ask parents to LISTEN to:
– what WE remember (good, but mostly bad)
– how we felt back then, and now
– what we needed & missed
– how we’d like to be treated in the present…..

….. BUT ONLY when we’ve done some rage work, to approach them with equanimity & boundaries, and without the expectation that they’ll change, understand or respond ‘sanely’!
It’s not about punishing them NOR getting them to see our point!
So – what would be the point?

✶ The main purpose is for the Inner Child (both wounded & healthy) to have our Adult help us become visible, to stand up for ourselves, to finally have our say, no matter what the outcome. We we voiceless as kids, but not anymore!
EXP:  After may years of Recovery, one woman sat at the kitchen table for 2 hrs, calmly telling her narcissistic mother what she’d learned about her childhood.
At the end the mother’s only comment was: “So you’re saying I should never have been a mother”.
“Yes” responded the daughter, unfazed & without guilt – even tho that’s not what she’d said or implied. Then they went about making dinner. Amazing!

NEXT: They did the best…. #3

“They Did the BEST They Could” (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

they did the best... 

YES, I WAS HURT BY MY FAMILY,
but they were hurting too, poor things!

PREVIOUS: Results of abuse – #2

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

1. GENERAL
This is a commonly used phrase – in & out of Program – mainly in the service of the speaker’s denial!
You may at first think this post is harsh or unfair, BUT please remember that everything our parents were  – WE internalized into our Negative Introject.
As long as we deny how harmful their actions were toward us – we will continue doing the same to ourselves, mistreat others AND let others mistreat us in many of the same ways! ( Self-hate’).

How is this phrase usually meant? That that no matter how cruelly, crazily…. our family may everything's OK ??have continually acted, to each other & us, even to this day – it was the ‘best’ they could manage.
It implies that they :
• used all possible resources to cope
• could NOT have done any better
• meant well, even if they didn’t show it
• really tried, in spite of falling short
• didn’t have any other options ….

In most of our families NONE of these are true – OR if true in part, it was a very small part – not enough to help us as kids!

2. DENIAL
a. THEM: This phrase is usually said by adults, about their parents – but only by people who had painful childhoods! You won’t hear a happy, well-adjusted person needing to even think this, much less say it!

The BEST they could? If our parents were verbally cold, controlling, cruel & insensitive, narcissistic, neglectful, not comforting, drunk, demanding, abusive, addicts, raging….  That was the BEST they could DO? Really?

NO. The most we could say is that they:
• chose the ‘easiest way out’,  just didn’t care enough to bother, or were self-righteous about their parenting style (“Spare the rod, spoil the child”) – anything to not take to look at themselves & the effect they had on their children & others
• did what any addict would (not just alcohol, but also food, shopping, raging, gambling, exercise, TV, sports, religion….) – everything possible to not deal with their responsibilities & emotions

• did what was done to them. Yes, but most never bothered to change. One mother, when confronted, kept saying – “But there weren’t any books about this stuff when you were little”! Except the daughter knew mom never bothered with anything deep, ever. She only read ‘Readers Digest” & watched soap operas! AND, there were some books, & people she could have asked to help. But she ‘was never wrong’!

• refused to get whatever help that was available to them at the time (AA & NO to helpAl-Anon have been around for over 50 yrs, psychologists even longer).  One mother admitted she wouldn’t be caught dead going to a therapist. Another was begged repeatedly by her daughter to go to Al-anon, but always blatantly refused

• were neglectful – some of us had a parent with a genuine mental illness – but others in the family denied the problem & did little or nothing to seek out solutions that were possible at the time, if not for the sick adult, then at least for us kids
EXP: More than one CoA was left alone for years to deal with a drunk, suicidal or psychotic parent

b. US: On the surface, when ACoAs say this phrase we mean the ‘General’ qualities listed above (from denial).  Under that, we’re really saying that we :
• can’t afford, emotionally & mentally, to admit how badly we were treated
• still believe we caused or deserved the terrible things they did / didn’t do
• “understand” why they acted that way, intellectually – so we don’t have to FEEL the hurt, sadness, frustration, rage, disappointment….

—–> And here’s the kicker:  we’re saying that – since “they did the best they could” – we can’t possibly be angry at them! Saying that we forgive them is actually our way of exonerating them. – not holding them accountable.

OK, so what’s wrong with that? Yes, it is the ultimate goal of mental health to let go of our anger, detach with love – or indifference, to forgive, outgrow our need for them… BUT…… (cont. in #2)

NEXT: “They did the best they could” (Part 2)

WHAT IS SHAME? (Part 2)

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SHAME IS OVERWHELMING
– all I can do is hide!

PREVIOUS: Shame – #1

POST: Emotional NEEDS….

SEE Acronym page for abbrev.

IN CHILDHOOD (Part 1)

IN ADULTHOOD
ACoAs’ core toxic rule : “DON’T HAVE NEEDS!”
We feel shame WHEN:
▪︎ anyone gets too close, emotionally
▪︎ anyone shows us kindness, respect, caring
▪︎ we do something a little foolish in publicScreen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.10.11 PM
▪︎ we allow ourselves to have feelings of love for someone
WHEN
▪︎ we don’t know something which seems common knowledge
▪︎ we don’t try to do something, whether we can or not
▪︎ we find out our expectations of someone are not realistic
▪︎ we try something new, & don’t get it right the first time
▪︎ we want to be paid attention to, but get smacked down or ignored….

ANY NEED that was ignored, abused or made fun of in the past :
⚡️ is now completely suppressed, so we’re not even aware of it
OR
⚡️ we’re vaguely aware, so keep trying to get it met, but only in VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL ways (obeying old rules, so it can be refused, punished, or have bad consequences),
OR
⚡️ we wait endlessly for someone else to notice the needs – as long as we DO NOT ask for it
OR
⚡️ we manipulate dysfunctional others into providing it for us
ALSO
⚡️ we can’t receive anything good without having to ‘pay’ for it somehow, even when it’s given freely & without strings !
⚡️ we mistreat, abuse or leave anyone who consistently treats us with respect & kindness
⚡️ we prevent anyone from knowing that we have needs, as we suffer in silence

RECOVERY from SHAME:
This a deep & long process, requiring much help from H.P. along with kind & knowledgeable humans.
We can:
✶ start by identifying all NEEDS, common to all human beings
✶ allow for emotional discomfort, be angry, confused, scared, face frustrating delays, have internal backlash, hear discouraging comments, regress to old ways…..
✶ continually give ourselves permission to HAVE these needs
AND
✶ identify actions & non-actions that prevent meeting them correctly
Live Long & Prosper✶ identify people, places & things who can help with this
✶ list actions to DO, to meet those needs
✶ list which ones were not allowed, in order of intensity
✶ patiently, slowly RISK changing old patterns

✶ NEVER STOP improving:
• never, never deny having needs, whether you can get them met – or not
• observe the results of your healthier actions, & compare benefits with old outcomes
• participate in any spiritual practice which fits
• replace inappropriate people & places
• read helpful material, attend suitable recovery programs or groups
• try out new actions to see what works or doesn’t
• validate & reinforce any improvements & positive results

GRANDIOSITY vs HEALTHY SHAME
• Unhealthy Shame ‘holds hands‘ with grandiosity, which makes us totally believe we can do way more than is humanly possible, or that we’re capable of / have the skill to do it. It’s therefore a defense against deep feelings of powerlessness, carried over from childhood

• Healthy shame is the reverse – the antidote to grandiosity (John Bradshaw : “Healing the SHAME that Binds You”).
It allows us to acknowledge & accept that we have realistic LIMITS & capacity, because of:
— being human, & therefore can’t be perfect
— not having been appropriately nurtured & cared for, in childhood
— our genetic inheritance, providing pre-conditions & tendencies for physical, mental & emotional capacities (pluses & minuses)
— our native personality, reacting to & molded by all our early experiences
— our socio-economic, religious & educational background / environment
Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.56.29 PMPositive – To have self-esteem, children need to be:
• admired & applauded for the things they do well
• patiently taught how to do things
• respectfully corrected for errors or lapses
• treated with patience for the things they cannot do, especially when it’s because they’re too young yet, but will be able to eventually –  or because they have a learning disability.
Screen Shot 2015-07-16 at 3.38.36 PM

Embracing realistic limitations does not mean that we can’t heal & achieve!
It does mean that we spend the ‘first half’ – or so – of our life repeating all the bad stuff we learned, & then spend the rest of it fixing the damage that was originally done to us.
It’s not fair – but it can be done!  THEREFORE: PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE !!

NEXT: “They did the best they could” #1

Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

lonely with cat I CAN STAND THE DISCOMFORT
of loneliness because it’s not forever

PREVIOUS: Adult Loneliness  (#3

SITE: ‘Will I go crazy?”  re. loneliness

TWO STEPS FORWARD….
While all Recovery progress is positive, it’s never in a straight line & doesn’t always feel good – as much as we’d all like it to.  Instead, we move forward at a slow pace, often falling back into old ways & sometimes feeling discouraged, like we’re never going to ‘get it’.

John Bradshaw’s statement that a therapist’s job is to take a client “from their misery into their pain” (from Self-Hate into Abandonment pain) also applies to us individually on our journey thru Recovery.  We need to feel old wounds – a little at a time, & that includes Loneliness.
Is takes courage & perseverance. Recovery (Rec.) creates ‘opportunities’ for feeling lonely, which is a sign of growth as we leave old ways behind!

The middle A : ACCEPTANCE  (PART 2)
The following sources of Rec. Loneliness are part of the process, so they’re normal & to be expected:

1. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. separating from childhood damage (our ‘story’). Any form of ‘letting go’ leaves a temporary feeling of depression & emptiness – as it taps into our childhood sorrow & rage, intense fear & emptiness.
It means:S & I
• separation & Individuation (S & I) from the PP voice & our resulting S-H, the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles. These interlopers clogging our Inner Space have to be replaced with the UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult).

• gradually letting go of a variety of addictions. When we stop numbing the “hole in the soul”, the emptiness (lack of True Self) lets us feel how alone we’ve been

• outgrowing the compulsion to be symbiotically attached to someone, anyone, which then lets us feel how lonely it is to be with people who are wrong for us. It’s accepting that we all have to live in our own skin (‘existential aloneness’), which is healthy & normal. We do need others & especially out H.P., but not in a desperate, needy-child way.

2. Accept temporary Rec. Loneliness of…..
….. getting to know our IC (especially the Healthy one) – & building the UNIT. We gradually become aware that we do notinner child have a monster inside, but a deeply, desperately HURT CHILD (WIC).

The WIC may always want to be taken care of by someone else, so there’s a loneliness in letting go of other people as potential parents.
Guides, mentors,  teachers, friends…. are appropriate & needed, BUT not in a caretaker role. That’s for us to do, to become compassionate & dependable (trustworthy).
• Any form of dialogue with our younger self will gradually fill the emptiness. Book-ending with the WIC helps shift its focus from past to present-day reality.

3. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of..…
….. doing fewer & fewer self-defeating things. This can be very scary for a while, so we need patience & faith in the process because:
• it’s disorienting to function in a new pattern, until we get used to it
• disobeying the Toxic Rules can bring with it varying degrees of internal backlash, & sometimes very real disapproval or punishment from disobey rulesothers – mainly the narcissists

• it leaves us wondering who we are. We won’t completely prevent the PP voice from whispering in our ear, but at first, as we stop obeying it, we can feel confused & alone. We think: “Who am I without ‘them’?” if we’re not that Role or Persona we developed in childhood.
The WIC is afraid we’ll have no identity without the old familiar ‘self’, which is mainly made up of defenses.
In reality we were born with a personality all our own & need to strip away the False Identity to find that out.

NEXT: Recovery Loneliness (Part 2)

ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

lonely girl
PREVIOUS: Adult Loneliness (Part 2)

SITE: “The Web of Loneliness”

 

1. ACoA Loneliness (previous 2 posts)

2. DEFENSES against L.
Most ACoAs are not conscious of being intensely Lonely, or when we do feel it, usually assume it’s about missing someone. We’re not aware that many of our ‘character defects’, actions & no-actions are related to defending against this deep & pervasive emotion.

Studies by Chicago U. social psychologist John Cacioppo on the biological effects of Loneliness show that :
▶ Much like the threat of physical pain, L. informs us of our ‘social body’, letting us know when connections start to fray, as the brain goes on alert to look for social threats.
Being lonely can generate a wide range of coping mechanisms, from emotional over-reactions to negative behaviors. Since many lonely people see those extremes as undesirable, they withdraw even more, falling deeper into isolation. L. doesn’t just make people feel unhappy, it actually makes them feel unsafe — mentally & physically.

MISCONCEPTIONS
• “I’m the only one who feels this way”. Unfortunately all the other very lonely people in the world think the same – but they (& you) are probably either covering it up or hiding out, so we never meet each other, OR if we do – don’t know how the other is really feeling depression . hiding

• “There’s something wrong with me if I’m lonely – a sign of weakness, immaturity, a defect in my personality”. Of course this is S-H. If we’re chronically L. then we have unhealed damage, but we’re NOT defective!

a. COVERING UP (passive)
• bad relationships – getting stuck & won’t leave –  even when unhappy or scared, assuming we can’t bear to be on our own, that bad better than nothing
• depression – feeling sorry for ourselves, re. loss of support & loved ones, but don’t so anything, or not enough, to relieve it

• fantasy – living in our head, day-dreaming about people, place & things (PPT) we wish we had
• illnesses (real) – artery hardening, inflammation, memory & learning problems, immune diseases…. OR being a =
• hypochondriac (not physically real), unconsciously wanting attention & ‘nurturing’ from doctors or caretakers

• isolatihalo womanon – fear we’ll be hurt more, never learned to talk or act comfortably, from S-H, guilt & shame, assuming rejection is inevitable
• obsessing – who we wish we were with, what we’ll do some day, what we did wrong, what we should have said, what they think of us ….
• religiosity / ‘spirituality’ – “so heavenly minded you’re no earthy good”, or being overly zealous about beliefs & morals

• paranoia (actually: convinced we’re everyone’s negative focus). The fact that it’s bad attention is painful, but better than none at all!
• procrastination – not taking positive actions from perfectionism & confusion, to not be abandoned & feel L. (WIC beaten up by PP)
• sleeping – associated with depression, as escape (more than 8 hrs, not from over-work, illness or a change in meds)

b. ACTING OUT (active)
• addictions – this is obvious, & now includes spending too much time on social media inanways crankystead of face-to-face
• always angry – gives us an illusion of control, even though not real, so it feels better to be angry (that no one loves me) than the vulnerability of loneliness

• controlling – “If I can make everything & everyone be the way I want, I’ll be OK & then not L. & scared”
• fighting – any contact feels better than none
• grandiosity – assuming we can DO more than is possible, pumped up to cover feeling unworthy, making ourselves seem more important, powerful, in charge…. than we really feel – or are
• over-doing – running, running (even if it’s ‘all good’ stuff), so we never always runninghave a minute to FEEL
• suicide attempts – trying to silence the BAD voice, & can’t bear old accumulated pain, not knowing how to heal it
• talking too much – to fill the emptiness, OR when we finally get someone to talk to after stretches of isolation, then a backlog of thoughts & feelings rush out
• touchy – easily hurt by any ‘slight’, experienced as a personal rejection, taking things personally & then lashing out, making it harder to connect – even though we want to loneliness chart

NEXT: Loneliness in Recovery (Part 1)

 

ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

lonelyHIDING IS THE ONLY WAY
I know to be safe!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs – L. in Childhood (#2)

SITE: “Does Childhood abandonment equate Adult Loneliness?“

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

QUOTE:” Loneliness is the poverty of the self. Solitude is the richness of the Self.” ~ May Sarton, American Poet

NOTE: Loneliness is one result of the many PMES ways we were abandoned as kids. FEAR + INSECURITY – LOVE = Loneliness.

DEF: Being alone when we desire otherwise, a discrepancy between what we have socially & what we’d like to have, an inability to find meaning in our life….
Studies about L. yielded 40 emotion-type words linked to it, including : boredom, feeling different, helpless, hopeless, rejected, self-pitying, not understood…..

1. ACoA Loneliness (L.)
It’s inevitable that we bring with us, from childhood, unhealthy self-treatment we experienced in our environment which created Loneliness at that time, but was not our fault!
So naturally, as adults, our actions & beliefs add to the (mostly invisible) iceberg of L. by continuing self-defeating patterns – until we do deep FoO work to fill the internal void.

a. Protecting Ourselves
Given all the physical & emotional danger we were subjected to as kids, it makes sense that we end up compressing ourselves into a small internal ball of fear – like any wounded creature. We hide from others as protection – in PLACE OF real, healthy Boundaries (Bs).

Extroverts hide very differently than Introverts, but it’s still hiding.
• Unfortunately we also have to hide from ourselves too, so we end up not knowing who we really are!
• Fortunately, once we’ve developed & internalized Bs we don’t have to hide anymore. Then we choose how much to reveal & how much to hold back, able to choose who’s safe for us & who’s not.

The Loneliness: While we’re trying to protect ourselves from everyone else’s fear, envy, greed, control, manipulation…. & especially their rage – we’re stuck inside our shell, adding to our sense of separateness & isolation – whether alone or with others.

b. Protecting Others
Self-Hate is expressed in our Ts, Es. & As, so it covers every aspect of life. As kids we came to believe that we were very, very bad, even evil, so now it feels like we’re carrying a monster inside – which we incorrectly assume is the WIC, whether we’re familiar with the concept or not. Some of us have even tried (or wanted to) commit suicide – to get rid of it. It’s made up of:

• The PP : Actually – the ‘monster’ is the Negative Introject , our internalized accumulation of all the crazy & abusive adults we grew up with. They had lots of rage too, even if they never showed it. So we’re carrying theirs & ours.

• Our rage: This is the other part of the ‘monster’, the part of us that is powerfully, sometimes uncontrollably furious. And why not. We were alternately neglected & tortured by the very people who were supposed to love us.

• While trying to protect ourselves from the big bad world, this combined rage is so intense & huge that most of us concluded a long time ago we have to protect the world from our monster, so we wouldn’t get abandoned again or kill someone, because we feel it’s so out of our control.

The Loneliness: Being alone with our monster component (made up of emotional pain & Toxic Beliefs) is terrifying, but we figure it’s better than the alternative. Keeping it under wraps, even from ourselves, separates us from everyone at a very deep level.
We become —
— clingers, who can’t seem to live without some sort of relationship, no matter how bad, & have to be extra ‘nice’ so they won’t know, OR
— hiders, who are co-dependent, depressive or passive-aggressive, internally isolated while seemingly sociable, OR
— erupters, whose rage keeps most everyone away, as we spew out accumulated anger anyplace or anytime something sets us off. But that just brings up more S-H.  💔

NEXT: Adult Loneliness #2