acoa recovery

Emotional MATURITY – General

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I INTEGRATE ALL PARTS OF ME
while still working on the ‘old stuff’

PREVIOUS: Emotional Immaturity (Part 3)

SITE : True Happiness (Emotional Maturity Questionnaire)

QUOTES: 🔅 “Maturity consists of no longer being taken in by oneself” Anon.

🔅 “Maturity is the ability to think, speak & act your feelings within the bounds of dignity. The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations.”  Samuel Ullman (American businessman, poet & humanitarian)

EMOTIONAL MATURITY (EM) means having a healthy self-concept: not thinking too highly or too lowly of ourself, being part the world but realize we’re not the center of it

Characteristics can be identified in relation to AGE :
a. Social  – can relate well socially for our physical age
b. Emotional  – can handle emotions appropriate for our age
c. Spiritual  – can behave in a spiritually mature way

In ACoA language, EM develops slowly by minimizing the damage in our WIC & quieting / limiting the PP voice, as much as possible. Ultimately it’s about no longer having S-H & living from our True Self.
Maturity comes from growing the ‘Unit’ (Healthy Adult & Loving Parent), who are regularly (but not always) in charge of the WIC, encourage the Natural Child to blossom, & keep in touch with our Higher Power.

• Maturity does NOT mean having eliminated all our damage, but rather to lessen the grip of the Introject, diminish accumulated old pain & be able to deal with our core wounds when they do surface, so they don’t take over & we can bounce back faster.imperfect

ACoAs are quite capable of developing mental, emotional & spiritual maturity – as long as we don’t strive for perfection*.  Actively using the “Principles of the Program” helps to outgrow the worst of our damage so we can live more comfortably in the present, instead of in our tortured past.  When psychological health takes root, we carry it with us even under stress, & express it in ‘all our affairs’

✶ Perfectionism is a sign of immaturity, based in FoA & S-H,- a belief (CD) rather than an event or action.
To be human is to be IMperfect, & to be mature is to be OK with that!
Fortunately there are times when everything works out well = we’re successful at a task, reach a goal, or feel empowered. These do NOT come from perfection.
Basically, they’re just events without mistakes. Those moments are the result of our knowledge, effort, practice & persistence, help from H.P, our faith, & perhaps some ‘luck’.

KEY QUALITIES of MATURITY
confidence1. Emotional
• Emotional Responsibility : identifying them, AND know they come from inside, rather than caused by other people, places or things
• Self-control: accept & control our passions, impulses & desires. Can handle stress well, ‘let go’ & detach, know when we’re powerless over a situation
• Self-esteem: have inner fulfillment, enjoy life, experience ourself as one source of love.  Have understanding of & insight into current reality.

2. Psychological / Mental
responsible• Cognitive Responsibility: be accountable for our thoughts – beliefs, opinions & prejudices. Handle finances, have good work habits & are reliable
• Mental Clarity: able to think clearly & rationally. Process information based on general reality, know how to gather & communicate information
• Independence: make appropriate decisions & observe consequences in order to make better choices. Learn & grow from experience.

mental clarity3. Practical
• Action Responsibility: know what we want & can make it happen
• Function: make the effort to learn what we need to know in order to accomplish our goals
• Participation: join group & community activities that encourage creativity, collaboration & empowerment, perhaps volunteer for a relevant cause

4. Relational / Social
• Inter-personal Responsibility: treat people as separate entities with the right to their own needs, wishes & dreams (not use people)
relational• Respect: understand & tolerate different views, cooperate with peers or teams, care about others & support their concern
• Connections: make connections easily, sustain intimate relationship, take in friendship & love, share decisions & resources

spiritual5. Spiritual
• Moral Responsibility: have a healthy value system / code of ethics. Choose what’s right for ourself first & then in relation to others
• Congruence: Act honestly, live by our principles & listen to our intuition
• Altruism: have concern for all humanity, do what we can to help others – realistically!

NEXT: Emotional Maturity (Part 2)

ACoAs: Getting to our EMOTIONS – Over (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

confidence I CAN HAVE ALL MY EMOTIONS

and still be in charge of myself!

PREVIOUS: Getting to Emotions – OVER (#1)

SITE: The Emotional Sensitive Person

BOOK: Emotional Confidence ~ Gael Lindenfield


2. OVER-FEELING (O-F)
a. DAMAGE

b. RECOVERY
EXP of a BETTER way to cope with Emotional Intensity
• Sue is an O-F with a strong-willed Inner Child. With great love & effort she has developed a bond of trust with her IC in Recovery.bad lunch

• Sue is on a blind lunch date in a small upscale restaurant. The man is an engineer, all left-brain & totally un-self-aware.

When he asks what she does for a living & she says ‘Healer’, he begins a lecture about how unscientific & useless that is!
Sue can feel her kid’s rage building to an explosion, but she knows that if she lets herself attack the man for insulting her & her chosen profession, she will only be making a fool of herself – and in such a small public, space!
SO —
— just before the angry words can leave her mouth, Sue quickly asks the man to talk more about his work. She’s not interested and is not listening, but it stops his ignorant comments.

This diverts the intense emotional energy long enough for her to have a private talk with her angry Inner kid :
“Honey, there’s no point in letting him have it. Remember Al-Anon says to ask: ‘How important is it?’ This guy wouldn’t get it anyway, & we’re never going to see him again.
The only important thing is that I don’t want us to be embarrassed here & sound like the crazy one, since I know we’re not!”  Her IC agrees & is mollified.

TOOLS: Heal & Grow “WORK” for Over-Feelers
GOAL – TO:
• become the Good Parents to our Inner Child that we never had
• learn & use the tools for coping with our intensity
• gradually get the piled-up pain out of our body so we’re not flooded all the time
• re-connect with emotions that have been repressed (Didn’t think there were any more?)

TOOLS : Similar to Under-feelers BUT with emphasis on calming
BODY WORK (Site:Trauma release)body work
Any that can be administered by a professional AND some we can learn to use on ourself
• Biofeedback – changes brainwave states, from very active to a calmer level
• EFT – re-wires the brain to not over-react to triggers
• Release work – Core-energetics, Gestalt, Qigong, Psychodrama,  … (A-Z therapies)
art therapyDRAWING / READING
• any workbook that teaches IC drawing
• express how the IC feels, past & present
• recovery & Inner Child books & literature
• spiritual lit, poetry …. anything to calm the mind & heart

SEEING / LISTENING
• any music, movie… that gets our Niagara Falls flowinglistening
• soothing, peaceful music
• for some of us – focus on the orchestra’s timpani – in rhythm with our rage
TALKING 
• to loving friends & family… but ONLY with people or groups genuinely able to tolerate intense emotions without judgment or trying to control
• 12-step Meetings, as often & as many kinds as possible
• Psychotherapy, including FoO work, Experiential, Primal, Gestalt….
VISUALIZING / SPIRITUAL
visualize• dreams, guided imagery, Hypnotherapy … for validation & nurturing
• Inner Child – putting an image to our experiences & then for continual comforting
• prayer, services, the Psalms … for wisdom & centering

WRITING – See list for Under-feelers
🩸 2-handed IC Dialogues – especially to comfort the WIC so it knows it’s not alone with all its ES anymore, listening thoughtfully, giving guidance, correct CDs & protect from the PP   lists
• Make a “ME” list of YOUR good qualities in PMES categories – to shift the pain to joy!

REMINDER: The more we clean out old pain in safe ways, the more room there is for healthy pleasure (not addictive highs) ! Our suffering will be replaced by a sense of relief & comfort.
✳️ Being comfortable is not boring! We just have to let the brain get used to it.
AND, as we developed healthy boundaries, our Sensitivity will then be a special gift, for :
• correctly identifying who & what is safe for us, in our environment
• empathizing with, comforting & helping others, but only those who are appropriate & only when we are able or want to!
(see posts: “Feeling Sorry For ., “Rescuing” and “Healthy Helping”)

NEXT:  Accessing & Accepting Es (#1)

ACoAs: Getting to our EMOTIONS – Over (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

too many Es HELP, I’M overwhelmed –
I can’t cope with all these feeling!

PREVIOUS: ‘Under-Feeling’ (review)

SITE: “Handling emotional overwhelm


1. IN THE PRESENT – emotional intensity comes from the Wounded Inner Child (WIC), who had to stuff & store all the hurt no one helped us process in childhood, day after day, year after year! “If it’s hysterical it’s historical”,

• Our self-hate, guilt & shame add to the mountain of misery we already carry, as well as staying with emotionally unavailable &/or outright abusive people.
Yet we stubbornly resist doing emotion-release work because we say we don’t want to feel the WIC’s pain – while we’re creating more pain with our damage!  Over-Feelers (O-Fs ) are already suffering! Why not clean it out & be done?

• Being swamped with old pain (and new) blocks our ability to have pleasure! We know we’re not happy but are so used to misery, we believe we’ll never be free. “Does a fish know it’s wet?” Unexpressed grief & rage keeps us stuck obeying our Toxic Rules.

• ACoAs need permission and courage to express distressing Es. Also, learn how to handle them appropriately whenever they surface, expressing them in the right places & in safe ways.

• One reason O-Fs are afraid of letting out intense rage & terror is because we honestly don’t want to hurt others. But sometimes, when our huge abandonment button gets pushed, our Inner Sadist (I.S.) raises it’s head, & we can’t stop ourself from saying & doing cruel things.  Afterward we feel guilty, ashamed & remorseful.  So O-Fs try to push big Es down too – just not as successfully as U-Fs.Screen Shot 2015-07-11 at 4.14.10 AM

IMP: If you’re over-sensitive (O-F) AND see it as a character defect – brainwashed to believe that by dysfunctional parents because everything seems to upset you, consider this:
• You were born with an very active limbic system (brain-seat of Es)
• It’s like having hyper-sensitive pale skin. If you’re out in the sun too long – without protection – you’ll get burned

• So too, an emotional ‘sensitive’ will have intense reactions to being burned by years of emotional abuse & neglect as a child – without the internal protection of an adult brain, & externally without safe adults to protect our little body & heart!   NOTE: It’s not the sensitivity but an abusive childhood that’s at fault!

2. OVER-FEELING (O-F)
a. Damage
O-Fs have a hard time holding in Es when hurt, so growing up we were scolded, punished, made fun of & misunderstood – everywhere.
We cried too much, were depressed, felt suicidal, threw tantrums, were clingy or rude, withdrawn or flamboyant…. The more we expressed our pain, the more we were abused, so the more pain we had to endure. AND – the more we showed distress at being abused – the more we were punished for it! Vicious cycle.

EXP: Jinny was a bright, intuitive & hyper-sensitive teenager. Not only had she been emotionally & mentally stressed since birth, but then hormones kicked in. Her ACoA parents had no clue how to deal with her – the narcissistic mother wanted her to ‘shape up’ & the depressed father identified with her but was powerless himself. One evening, in the kitchen, yet another insensitive comment from her mother set Jinny off & she began sobbing.

— Her father came in & told her to stop, which made she cry harder – so he slapped her.  His reason: “You were hysterical & I was trying to snap you out of it”.  It’s something he had once read, so thought he was being ‘helpful’! UGH!
Jinny was devastated by his betrayal – as he was ‘the kind one’.  She knew she was not hysterical & could think quite clearly!  Not everyone can “walk & talk & chew bubble gum” but she could, yet her father never bothered to find out who she really was!

• As a result of our experiences, O-Fs often hate having emotions but can’t suppress them, so we despise them as ‘weakness’!
Growing up we were rarely if ever comforted, left desperately alone with our pain – profoundly terrifying for any child.  Combining no empathy with being penalized for expressing legitimate suffering = taught us to loath being Sensitive.

• This enormous backlog makes un-healed ACoAs very touchy & easy to flare up. One O-F woman in early Recovery expressed it as : “I’m an emotional hemophiliac – touch me & I bleed”!

NEXT:  Over-Feelers – #2

ACoAs: Getting to our EMOTIONS (Under)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

feelings hurtFEELING BITE!
I won’t let anyone get to me

PREVIOUS: Feelings Aren’t Facts – #2

POSTs:  Emotional Maturity

 

ISSUE
ACoAs were trained to ignore our Es, often with tragic consequences. It prevents us from being able to identify what is:
• suitable or not for us          • mentally sane & logical
• psychologically healthy       • genuinely pleasurable
STYLE
• At its simplest: The Right brain governs our emotions & the Left brain our thinking (among many other things).
Connecting the 2 sides is a thick mass of nerves, the Corpus Callosum, allowing the halves to communicate, like being able to verbalize (T)<—> feelings (E).  (see posts re. M & F Brains)

• Everyone is born with a unique personality which then interacts with their  environment & training.  Growing up in constant stress, for protection the 2 sides can stop communicating. Then some people function too much from the L & others too much from the R. We can see this in the way we react to physical or mental hurt.

1. UNDER-FEELING – L brain
Under-Feelers (U-F) “live in their head” to avoid painful Es, cut off from a vital part of our being, & need ways to re-connect the ‘wiring’.
a. GOAL – TO:all Es
• feel all our emotions without judgment
• learn names of a wide range of emotion & be able to associate them with sensations the body generated in the limbic system
• learn how to manage painful emotions when they surface
• regularly use available tools to get in touch with repressed emotions
• nurture the Inner Child so our Abandonment pain diminishes – making us less afraid of Es!

TOOLS
• The exact order & stages (process) needed break thru layers of emotional denial is different for every person & can’t be predicted. Each of us starts at a different mile marker on the road to Recovery. So the effectiveness & timing of these activities will vary

• Any one, or a combination, of the following methods can bring up Es we had to push into the unconscious.  It takes patience & perseverance. Try as many as you can & never give up

BODY WORK — ANY available in your area, like:
• acupuncture, to re-align meridians so energy can flow freely (Es are energy)
• Brain Gym (re-patterning), to reconnect the 2 brain halves
• core energetics, a safe way to clean rage out
• craneo-sacral therapy, to get trapped cerebro-spinal fluid moving
• massage, to release holding Es in muscles
◉  If none of these are available, go to a gym, find a place to run, get a punching bag, hit pillows, get a plastic bat & use it on the bed or couch
READING
• 12-step literature          • Personal-growth articles & books
• Spiritual works         • any other writing that ‘touches’ you
SEEING / LISTENINGspiritural practice
• movies, plays, classical & modern music, choirs
• old family photos, diaries, letters….
SPIRITUAL
• religious services, spiritual gatherings
• meditation, prayer….

TALKING
• 12-Step Meetings – Al-Anon,  ACoA, SIA (Survivors of Incest)….
• any form of therapy – individual, group, experiential, primal….sharing
• loving friends, getting family info from anyone willing to talk
VISUALIZING
• Inner Child visualizations & guided imagery
• ‘hypnosis’ – with a trained therapist or self-administered (fully awake but with focused concentration on a topic)
WRITING
• Dreams – write them out using the Gestalt Method
• Evening Inventory – Brief Journaling OR a positive 10th Step
• 4th-Step inventory: list of character defects, childhood traumas & losses – but NOT used for self-abuse!
• 2-handed IC dialogues – learning to listen to the Inner Child AND how to respond lovingly

• Lists of positive qualities – 5 or 6 categories (PMES, Natural abilities, Learned Skills, Talents, Interests, Personality traits… ). Use POST: “Our Timeline inventory”
–> Add to each category as often as you think of : things you do automatically, what you’ve learned in school or on your own, natural tendencies, tastes, interests…, whatever you’re good at, AND anything positive that other people say about youjournaling
• Morning pages – stream of consciousness – first thing in the a.m. we’re less ‘defended’ against our inner truth (POSTs “Writing for Personal Growth”

• keep a separate list of self-hating beliefs every day to ’hear’ how ugly & untrue they are.  ASK: “Would I say these things to someone I love?” If not, then why let the Pig Parent say them or let the kid agree with them? You can change that!

NEXT: ‘Getting to our Feelings’ – OVER – #1

“FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

heart talkWHEN THE HEART TALKS….
… I should listen

PREVIOUS: “Feelings aren’t facts” (#1)

SITEs: • How to listen to the heart
• Diff between feel, think, believe

POSTs : Use THINK instead of Feel


1. FEELINGS (Part 1)
2. ‘FACTS’:  The other problem with this platitude is that these 2 words don’t really belong together (feelings & facts).
a. Facts – are only actions, quantifiable, with measurable results. Simplified – facts come from the head.
b. Feelings – as pointed out in Part 1, has 3 different uses, 2 legit, 1 not.

For people who use this term – ‘feelings’ means Emotions (Es) and Es are never ‘facts’ – they are internal experiences – from the gut.  Yes, it’s a fact that we have emotions. Even Vulcans have those pesky things, underneath. For humans, to be cut off from them turn us into narcissists or worse – sociopaths!

• Eventually someone in Al-Anon added what they thought was a clarification: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having these feelings”.  OK – this does refer to Emotions. This was encouraging for many of us to hear, because as CoAs we were taught to repress some or all Es – to deny them as irrelevant or unacceptable.  So this version gave permission to FEEL emotions.
But this is not what the phrase “Feelings aren’t facts” actually means.
circular

c. Thoughts (Ts) are not technically facts either, but rather ‘constructs’ of the mind – not tangible in themselves. They are:
• the cause of emotions (in the present) :
EXP : T ⏩ “I can’t believe she never called me back. What a b— I’m so angry!” ⏪ E
Unrealistic expectations, cruel toxic rules, scary projections, unfounded assumptions & S-H … lead to distorted thinking & obsessions, which cause us great suffering, & often lead to unfair or harmful actions toward others!
OR
• the cause of actions, healthy or unhealthy, depending on the type (may not be conscious, but the real reason for behavior)
✒︎ NOTE : Watch out for people who ONLY talk about what they or other people are doing, where they’ve been, who they know, what they’ve accomplished…. Facts, facts, facts!  That tells us they’re NOT in touch with their emotions, which makes them unsafe in relationships, for anything other than giving information – if that!

CONCLUSION: Based of these distinctions, what does “Feelings are facts” really mean?
ANS: In this case ‘Feelings’ are obsessions, circular repetitive thinking built on negative, distorted beliefs, and NOT emotions at all! which are not telling us the truth (facts) about a situation.”
✒︎ In other words : “What my obsession is telling me is most likely a lie.”

And what do most ACoAs endlessly obsess about ? :
bad thoughts☁︎ EITHER Self-Hate
”I don’t know why he won’t talk to me – why is she ignoring me – was it something I said? Maybe I should have been nicer to her.  I probably sat in the wrong chair… I know he doesn’t like me… what can I do to change their mind… “  –  bla, bla, bla….
OR
👺 Rageful thoughts towards others
“How dare she treat me like that… Why didn’t he call me…. I never did anything to her… I’m going to give her a piece of my mind… I hate her, she’s a witch…. no I’d better not… what should I say… I don’t want to get fired…”  grrrrr , grrrrr

❖ Healthy THINKING is imperative for us to function well in the world & in personal relationships. This requires :
• accurate, reasonable & present-day information about how everything really work   • what our needs, goals & dreams are
• what is positive about oneself (character & abilities)
• what it means to be human (determined, imperfect) images-4
• universal spiritual truths about Higher Power.

EXRESS  thoughts, opinions & beliefs, directly:
• “I think that the government should…”
• “That’s not my opinion”   •   “I wouldn’t say that…”
• “I suspect he’s not going to honor his agreement”
• “I’m convinced there’s a better way to do this project”

❖ Healthy EMOTIONS are NEVER good or bad, but rather range from the very painful <———–0————> to the very joyful.  ‘0’ is neutral.
✒︎ We’re most successful & comfortable when we live within a range of +5 to -5 on either side of center, most of the time, although not exclusively. Times of great stress OR great joy will push the range much higher or lower, but not get stuck at either extreme.
☆ This medium state can only happen when healing diminishes accumulated anxiety so we don’t have to alternate between the ‘outer limits’ of misery or fantasy/illusion!
(REVIEW all posts on Emotions)

NEXT: Getting to Our EMOTIONS – Under

REQUEST of my READERS

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

 CELEBRATING A  YEAR & A HALF of posts

Thank you all for your continued interest in following this blog.

• For 30 years people have been saying I should be writing down all my material because it has been so helpful & they wanted to see it spread around.

• My answer always was “I’ll do it when I’m old”.  Well, this year I turned 65!  I started writing these posts at the end of March 2010 on my website (www.acoarecovery.com),  and began publishing them on WordPress in July.

• So I’m pleased to share this marker with everyone. AND, my Flag Counter  app shows that it’s being read in over 100 countries!

• MY REQUEST: Please write comments on posts whenever they touch you and let me know what you’re getting out of this work.

Tell me if I’m on the right track, if I’m leaving out anything, & what you’d like me to write about in the future.

My best wishes for your growth & peace of heart!

NEXT: Recovery Thoughts

RECOVERY – What IT IS & IS NOT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 9.30.12 AMLEARNING HOW TO BUILD A LIFE
on the experience of those who know

PREVIOUS: RECOVERY – IS & is NOT (#1)

SITE: “25 Things you do as an Adult when you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse”
(like the Laundry List)


RECOVERY
IS NOT….❖…eliminating ALL pain from our life
IS...❧…a combination of gains & losses, fulfillment & disappointment, joy & pain – part of being human, not superhuman.  Only addicts – of any kind – want ‘no pain’ & think that’s an appropriate goal
🦋

IS NOT…❖…trying to get from our family all the things we never got as kids, nor assume we can have a ‘great’ relationship with them – if only we were well enough

IS…❧…accepting there’s no ‘if only’ about our family & our childhood (SORRY!)
no more blame• It was their damage that prevented them from being all we needed.  It was never because of who we are/ were! Yes, it was done to us, at us, with us – but it was never ABOUT us  ie. our essence
• and, unless family members have been growing too, or changing enough, we may take more radical steps

We can choose how to deal with them – by :
a. having rare or no contact, to protect ourself from abuse & mind games
b. no contact for a long time, until we are more healed, so our buttons (which they installed) get much smaller :)! Then re-connect & see….

c. limited contact, to see who they really are, for clarification & validation of how they treated us – which will diminish our self-hate, & allow us to gain some emotional distance from the family drama
d. regular contact, spaced out AND only as friendly Adults.  Don’t expect them to be parental if they can’t. Interact superficially or only in ways that suites everyone. Don’t push for the impossible!

➼ Other people often disappoint, which can make us sad & angry. That’s normal. It just doesn’t have to devastate. NOW it’s truly up to us to become Kind Parent & Wise Adult for ourself, with the help of therapy, H.P., Program & other support systems.
🦋
IS NOT...❖…saying we have forgiven our family, as if it were an intellectual decision, made once & forever, hoping that will wipe out all of the damage they inflicted, & all of our pain

IS…❧…knowing that forgiveness is a gift from H.P. – a ‘letting go’ – as a result of our willingness to do Recovery work to clean out old emotional wounds.
Forgiveness is the end product of that work, rather than a prerequisite for growth, as many tell us. Forgiveness isn’t genuine without healing our rage & sorrow. (9 posts = 4 types)

PROOF : when we try to ‘will’ forgiveness & think it’s all behind us – eventually some life-event will stir up that unresolved pain & bite us in the butt. Besides, some abuses are un-forgivable! But we still have to let go of being a victim of our own rage by feeling the sadness that’s underneath (“Forgiveness Is an Inside Job“)
🦋

IS NOT…❖…getting over our rage, so we don’t have to feel it any more OR not having any more terror, worry, sadness… if/when we get ‘really healthy’Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 9.38.11 AM

IS... ❧…knowing & accepting that we’ll always have some vestiges of the old pain, fear, rage, shame & abandonment hurt, BUT that those Es doesn’t have to control us
…. being willing to separate internally, from the bad voice & externally, from harmful people. It’s absolutely necessary to get away from damaging situations & negative thoughts. After all, if you kept scraping away at a sore on your skin, it wouldn’t heal, would it?

• At first this ‘letting go’ can bring up fear & depression, but with time, it will allow us to heal old wounds, making us less fearful & angry.
We can find & use new ways to deal with those painful Es – by: learning to accept & comfort ourself & letting them out in safe places & ways. Then we’ll experience pleasant & joyful emotions as well.

NEXT: RECOVERY – IS & is NOT (#3) 

ACoAs & SELF-ESTEEM – what it IS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

self-evealuationI KNOW WHO I AM
– & I approve!

PREVIOUS: What Self-Esteem is NOT

 

SELF-ESTEEM IS:
1. Knowing Ourself well (with + & – characteristics), accepting & genuinely enjoying who we are, without denial or arrogance
** Some years after both her parents had died, one woman Recovery said about herself: “It’s sad that they missed out on experiencing the wonderful person their child has matured into, & always was  from the start.”

2. Knowing that all our Emotions (Es) are legitimate, valid & a part of the complete personality.  There are NO negative Es – when referring to painful or “unacceptable” ones – because anything that is considered a negative should be gotten rid of. Reality : ALL emotions are part of being human and are valuable, because they tell us what’s right or wrong for US! So the term does not apply to Es.

3. Knowing that all our Needs are normal & acceptable, but understanding that not all of them will be met, all of the time. That some will take longer than others to achieve, & that some which we didn’t get in childhood may never be fully realized.  But the more we reach for them, the more we’ll get. mistakes

4. Being OK with being Human – realistically knowing what our limits & limitations are. That to be human will always mean making mistakes, not knowing some things, being imperfect, having weaknesses – as well as having the gifts of abilities & talents, which we can hone & enjoy

5. Accepting that no matter how ‘Good or Spiritual’ we are, life can still be unfair, bad things can happen to us, other people will sometimes mess us up… but that does not mean it’s personal or that we’re not trying hard enough.  Having S.E. means we have a right to be here – on the planet – & that our H.P. wants the best for us

6. Being willing & able to take Responsibility for ourself (all our T.E.A.s) without guilt, shame, fear of punishment or of being abandoned (FoA). We’re able to be our own motivator, rather that using others to give us permission to be or act.  We can protect ourself from other people’s damage, but also own all our reactions, especially to upsetting eventsbalance Es

7. Being able to live in Balance between extremes, most of the time (minimizing drama / trauma). Part of S.E. is knowing how to think clearly & accurately, which lowers anxiety
✏︎ Being peaceful does not mean standing still
✏︎ Being calm is not the same as being bored
Living between +25 & -25 is the best option, rather than -100 hopeless or +100 fantasy high.

8. Accepting that Process is part of all accomplishments & personal growth. Delays do not mean failure or being abandoned (never reaching a goal). Process takes time & with S.E. we know we can do a great deal.  When we fail, we have the ability to learn from mistakes, improve ourself & keep reaching for our dreams

9. Always looking for new things to Learn & explore, curious about ourself, other people, including all the newest developments & difficulties in world.
We can take time to research topics we don’t know about, especially relating to problems that come up with ourself or family. As we age – our brain stays functional longer IF we include something new & different every so often

relax10. Being able to freely Express ourself artistically, using all our talents, knowledge & special gifts. S.E. allows us to pursue our dreams, no matter where they lead us. Knowing that we can’t be perfect, we’re not afraid to share those talents with others

11. Being able to Relax, Enjoy, have fun, take time off, rest, ‘veg’ – regularly.  These experiences are necessary to increase ‘good’ chemicals in the brain, which elevate mood. It also give us time to process our daily experiences on internal conscious & sub-conscious levels & to heal from past wounds. We have a right to healthy pleasure!

NEXT: RECOVERY – Is & is NOT (Part 1)

ACoAs & SELF-ESTEEM – what it IS NOT

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

ACTING ALL SUPERIOR?  Not me-e-e

PREVIOUS: Recovery – IS & is NOT (#2)

SITE: Want more self-esteem? (links)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


IN IT’S SIMPLEST FORM, the opposite of self-hate is self-esteem. Since our Western culture is based a great deal on outer appearance, most people think that if you look & sound good, you must:
• have come from a nice, happy family background
• be happy, healthy & have good self-esteem (S.E.)

ACoAs believe that in spades, but neither one is proof that we’re ok. We assume that anyone who has OR seems to have personal qualities & a life style that we don’t (a variety of relationships, making $$, an education, travel…) – must have a positive sense of identity. Actually, there’s a big difference between true self-esteem & the facade of it.
☛ Various defense mechanisms can mimic it, especially narcissism.

Self Esteem is NOT….
1. …. acting entitled, superior, arrogant, pushy
superior• anyone who acts this way is covering feeling scared & insecure, even though they may not be consciously aware of it.  Acting entitled is narcissistic – they believe only they have rights!

2. …. always being right – having all the answers, needing to prove what we know
• ‘know-it-alls’ use their info as a battering ram or as a shield – either way it comes from insecurity. It’s a defense – they have to keep the facade of being better than they feel inside.  It’s also a way to keep emotions at bay – focusing on facts rather than emotions

3.…. based solely on activities or accomplishments
• there are people who are famous, rich, powerful – but we know from their bios that many are active addicts, spouse abusers & sometimes murderers, have relationships full of drama or can’t commit at all

attitude 24. …. being ‘cool’ – repressing emotions, being in control, not needing others, being mysterious, above it all
• it is actually being cut off from most or all their emotions, numb, hard, angry – keeping them disconnected from others. AND scared underneath : fear of failure, of abandonment, of being trapped & suffocated emotionally….

5. …. being perfect – the ‘good’ one, the Hero, Ms or Mr Popular
• while there is social acceptability in this persona, it is usually based in the co-dependent need to be approved of, to be mirrored by the admiration of others, rather than having a clear internal sense of self. Without this constant reinforcement, the person is depressed & at sea.

6. …. being powerful – lording it over others, being controlling
• the need to use personal or social power to make others submissive or compliant is both narcissistic & cruel – whether done by a CEO or a mother. All forms of controlling is based in fear, which the person is usually not aware of, or knows but is not willing to acknowledge

7. …. being a super-helper – rescuer, martyr, people-pleaser
super doer• being ‘wonderful’ to everyone, long-suffering, over-tolerant, over-doing… comes from LOW S.E. & FoA. Without Recovery, sooner or later, they may have some type of physical collapse &/or live with chronic depression

8. …. being superhuman – highly accomplished, chasing the impossible, being the best of the
best
• achieving big things may or may not benefit humanity. What’s important here is MOTIVATION. If the desire to succeed is compulsive, then it’s driven by anxiety, not S.E. – from fear of failure, fear of being found out as a fraud, fear of poverty, fear of being powerless, fear of being controlled….

 9. …. doing whatever we want – needing instant ‘grat’, having transient relationships, running away, ignoring others
• this is immaturity, run by the WIC – by fear, weak boundaries, narcissism, & irresponsibility

10. …. having lots of relationships, but superficially, with people who are:
• needy & insecure or narcissistic, are users, have the same social interests, like being paid attention to or rescued, want to be around fame & power…
NOTE : having ‘friends’ by itself does not automatically imply S.E. It depends on the quality, depth & mental health of the relationships

Part 2: What Self-Esteem IS

ACoAs – Deserving vs Rights (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

family junkI CAN CLAIM MY RIGHTS
no matter what they told me!

PREVIOUS: Deserving vs Rights (# 2)

REVIEW post: “Not Enough Love?”


See ACRONYM pg. for abbrev.

1. NOT Deserving

2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)

a. ACoAs – Some things cannot be earned, so we should never try – love, respect, options, freedom from abuse …. However, our damage comes in 2 flavors:
i. Under-‘deserving’:
Regardless of the source, hanging on to any tinge of ‘not allowed’ represents our allegiance to the bad voice – the toxic aspect of our parents & society. The WIC part of us would rather stay ‘small’, be invisible, ignore its talents & deny or limit its opportunities – rather than disobey the family rules – for fear of punishment, abandonment & psychological death!

Warning : The idea of ‘earning’ also relates to the phrase many healers want us to repeat “I forgive myself for….” This is counter-productive for ACoAs. Even if it’s meant to help us let go of self-blame, it does the opposite : reinforcing our belief that we caused our damage (earned & therefore deserve it) – by not being perfect-ly lovable!
'entitled'ii. Over-‘deserving’ : The narcissistic unquestioned assumption that someone is entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. Having been raised incorrectly, they end up selfish & arrogant – a seemingly opposite extreme of not deserving.
IRONICALLY – these people’s real focus is on trying to make up for the same deep-seated sense of not being accepted by family for their True Self

b. REALITY : There are things in life we DO need to earn – an education, our career, our income, Recovery, physical well-being, healthy respect, honors ….
Earning means we have to work at reaching certain goals, using our intelligence, persevering & asking for appropriate support

AND as adults we DO need to take responsibility for unhealthy actions which come from our damage – which is not the same as needing to forgive ourself. We are responsible for cleaning out & correcting the distortions we grew up with from the negative training we did not cause!
💕                         💕                     💕
3. HAVING RIGHTS
A “Right” is a moral principle which defines & sanctions the adult person’s freedom of action in a social context, & can be exercised without anyone’s permission.  A Right is a natural or God-given permit received at birth, to act in one’s own self-interest, with control over one’s own life & property as long as others are not injured.

This healthy version of Having Rights is one of many concepts antithetical to the ‘twin towers’ of alcoholism & narcissism. In terms of the dis-ease, Deserving & Having Rights are polar opposites.
People in Recovery often say that we “deserve to be……(loved), deserve to have…..(help) ”.  This can be misleading since it assumes that we did something to merit X or Y. Therefore if we fail to act a certain way we assume we don’t deserve those benefits. But again – some things can not be earned.

• As we mature & heal we eventually come to understand that just being born gives us certain rights, as human being with a soul & a connection to the Universal Spirit  – God – a far greater power than any one of us & beyond our understanding.
As stated in 12 Step Meetings: “God does not make trash!”
SO – if we are all one & part of the Universal Energy, then we do NOT have to earn / pay for / suffer for the qualities & benefits that are our human rights.

EXP: A Program boyfriend told Keisha: “My loving you is none of your business”. He meant that she had not caused him to love her, SO she couldn’t make him not love her. So she could stop obsessing about how she was going to ‘ruin it’ because she wasn’t good enough, or because of what she said or did.  If she had learned that  — every human always has the right to be loved — Keisha would never have worried at all ! It only depends on who we are with.

REMINDER: NO one has the power to make another person love us, including our parents. They either already had the ability – before we were born – or they didn’t! If not – it won’t suddenly appear if we’re just good enough.

NEXT: Deserve vs rights #4