Al-Anon STEP 10 – Comments (Part 2)


PREVIOUS : 10th Step #1

SITE: 10th Step Worksheet 

A Study of Step 10 


AA/ Al-Anon Step 10 : “Continued to take personal inventory & when we were wrong promptly admitted it.


1. Daily INVENTORY
(cont.)
✔︎ What were my thoughts today?
NOTE: This is NOT what you said – only what was in your head.
Re: Yourself – most of this list will be the self-abusing thoughts from the PP or WIC.- ie. Self-Hate, either in the ‘I’ form (I’m such a failure) or ‘You’ form (You should have know that)
Re. Others – If you’re angry at someone, the thoughts will be harsh judgments & derogatory name calling
If you’re anxious, they’ll usually be thoughts of how to placate or avoid that person.

These will all be in the form of obsessions – going round & round, without asking yourself what childhood button was pushed, nor looking for a solution to the situation. (POSTS: “What just happened?”)

IMAGEs: they illustrate the positive & negative sides ➡️ of our thoughts & Es, NOT as mental illness, but actually normal in all humans

POSITIVE: Identify all helpful, kind, adult, realistic, mentally healthy thinking (“What she said had nothing to do with who I am // I’ve just reached my limit // I need help with this // that was a good meeting”…. )

✯   ✯   ✯   ✯   ✯
2. AND WHEN WE’RE WRONG  (see posts on “Being right“)

What kind of wrong(s)? First we need to distinguish between defects of character, what’s our responsibility & what’s S-H.
DEFECTS (same as short-comings) can be defined as “a fault or failure to meet a certain standard….” They are basically defense mechanisms (unhealthy patterns) that all of us develop in response to a painful childhood & outside traumas

** IMP: in 12-Step ‘work’, lists of defects always include emotions. This is WRONG! Emotions are never defects – only some thinking (CDs), AND some behavior patters (abusive actions) – which together are used to deny painful emotions.

RESPONSIBILITY is simply a frank acknowledgement of what we think, do & feel – or not, without judgement or self-abuse
We can still ‘feel bad’ about hurting someone & need to make it right if possible, but it does NOT cause shame or self-abuse

SELF-HATE is blaming ourselves for causing ANY hurt or fear we feel, & projecting abandonment, especially if someone ignored or harmed us, or if we’re not perfect!

We also need to Identify our rights, so we know what a wrong IS or is NOT. Just because someone doesn’t like what we say or do does not mean it was ‘a wrong’! SO, look for:

a. Something that was NOT wrong at all, but:
someone else made it sound like it was. This can be from :
— projecting their own disowned defect
— a way to deflect blame from themselves
— you happened to push a button in them
— being caught in a defect (lie, error, abuse….) which they’re ashamed of

someone hurt us & ⬅️ WE made it our fault – typical of codependents. We apologize in knee-jerk fashion, as if we caused the other person to say or do something inappropriate.
✸ While this reaction is deeply ingrained in ACoAs, it will most often show up when we’re around anyone who is oblivious to the effect of their actions, or who doesn’t care.

— This is the WIC taking responsibility for someone else’s narcissism
— It’s what we were trained to do by family & religion
— It’s carrying the guilt for them, since they won’t
— It’s as if we could teach them how to be responsible for their actions – like the alcoholic’s spouse who thinks they can ‘show’ the active drinker how to be moderate by example.

b. Something we were often punished for / made fun of…. as kids (family, school, religion…). It may have been normal child behaviors or inabilities, omissions, expressions of emotions….

This left us with a deep sense of Shame now re. expressing any imperfection which is then labeled as a character defect.
This emotion prevents us from thinking clearly, it silences us, makes us want to slink away, hide under the carpet, to die – the pain is so great, like a punch in the stomach!

NEXT: #3

EnneaTypes – LANGUAGE – INTRO (Part 3)


LANGUAGE CONNECTS
all aspects of human beings

PREVIOUS: Language Intro – #2

SITE: Unlocking the Secrets of Sacred Geometry: Understanding the Meaning and Benefits of Mystical Symbols

BOOK: “Sacred Number & the Origins of Civilization ~ Richard Heath

QUOTE: ‘Your Enneagram number is not for mere self categorization, but for your enlightenment, to help you recognize your addictive patterns of seeing & thinking’ ~ Richard Rohr, Christian viewpoint

language WHEEL

THE WHEEL = States of Consciousness
◆ The basic components of the Thinking Mind (in Part 1) can be reduced to 3 space-like realms + 4 time-like functions of language = the 12 basic areas of the mind-map called ‘The Wheel’ – which is the basic gestalt of our mind, & a sound outline of Reality.

The Wheel is our tool to make sense of the world (chart below), & to clear the path to growth.…  It’s a weapon to open the gate to inspiration for anyone willing tor divest themselves of the false “I.” Anything not tested by the Wheel has no permanence .
EXP: The Wheel will subtly smash False seriousness with a joke.

NOTE: The Enneagram TIME terms are at points 963.
SPACE terms at 124578 – (conjunction, noun, preposition, adjective, pronoun, adverb) are complements, & can be added at will.

The FOUR (time) FUNCTIONS with Brain Parts
FEELING
is right brain, metabolism.
Emotions (fun, joy, love, passion, humor…), moods, drives, imagination, impulses, dreams, force, power, strength
SENSING
is left brain, 5 senses, sex, excretion. Direct, immediate & waking consciousness, sense-data.
Unprocessed, information, intake


THINKING
is hind brain, breathing.
Language – both analytical & analogical Reasoning, deliberate, conceive, connect, enumerate, reflect.
WILLING
is fore-brain, deep sleep, yes-no, on-off.
Attention, action of all kinds, carrying out, controlling, determining, ordering, working.

The THREE (space) REALMS with Ennea-Numbers
BODY – 
the brain stem, cerebellum, reptilian brain.
Mass, particle, physical, solid, space.
Conditioned learning
❤️ Assertions (Affirm) = Body Willing  ///  #2 Noun = Body Sensing
#7 Pronoun = Body Feeling  / #9 Verbal Forms = Body Thinking

SOUL – the middle link between Body & Spirit : Bio-plasma, limbic system, mammalian brain. Being, instincts, people, psyche, vital force.
Ego-self, social entity
💙 Verbal commands (Lead) = Soul Willing ///
#8 Adverb = Soul Sensing
#4 Preposition = Soul Feeling
#6 Person = Soul Thinking

SPIRIT (mind) – Neo-cortex.
The Animating vital principal, sentient part of a being, incorporeal, space-time continuum
Abstract, intellect, ideas, ideal, gestalt, quality, meaning
💛 Questions (Inspire) = Spirit Willing  ///  #5 Adjective = Spirit Sensing /
#1 Conjunction = Spirit Feeling / #3 Verb = Spirit Thinking

CHART: Grammar & Consciousness 
◆ The Wheel is the archetypal symbol that combines language Functions & Realms, separating software (language, science, religion) from hardware (structure of our mind).

Its basic components are deduced from the Mandelbrot vector 0 -> : Z -> Z + C, with 1 -> 9 as the fractal scaling.
This simple formula, discovered in 1962, identifies the structure for all complex geometric forms existing in nature.

The circle connects Universal Wisdom with the 9 points of the Enneagram, wisdom being the ability to live well in a chaotic world, & requires ‘inside information’ about how things really work.

◆ The Wheel, in some form, can be found in all anthropology studies of the world, which makes its philosophy one of tolerance – clearly showing us the common denominators underlying all social & religious traditions, based on their conscious experiences & underlying mathematical criteria.

√ Its information can be used as a tool for finding a deeper connection to ourselves so we can follow our life path.
√ It can help us understand the connection between Science & Religion, our left & right brains, put us in tune with history, & help us think & act globally. (More…..)

WHEEL of CIVILIZATION
“There are 12 fields of civilization. This is to be expected because they naturally follow the forms of language, consciousness & personality.  In the field of human creativity you can use language & life to transform the animal-human body from physical to spiritual. You tune into & integrate your various personalities & develop your capabilities, using ego as a tool “ (More….)

NEXT: Language Intro – #4

ACoAs & BLAME (Part 1)

the BLAME GAME
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

is a healthier way to live

PREVIOUS: ACoAs wanting revenge #2

SITE: “Blame – What’s the Use?” Psych & religious

PostSatir’s BLAMER Role


BLAME as a ‘social disease’
– by Carl Alasko
“Deeply embedded throughout our society is the destructive psychology of blame. We tend to view it as a necessary behavior, a way to seek justice, a synonym for accountability or responsibility. It is none of these.
In fact, blame is a four-headed beast that attacks our very spirit.

We can launch these behaviors separately or fuse them into an assault that can annihilate the intended target. Painful emotions can & do kill. Consider those who commit suicide when battered by just one of these toxic tactics – that of humiliation. Indeed, blame is so unrelentingly harmful exactly because its primary function is to injure.

• There’s also an unacknowledged psychological paradox embedded in blame that preserves its vampire-like longevity: Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.04.05 PM.pngHuman beings are hard-wired to dump their uncomfortable emotions on to others. So blame helps reduce our anxieties by externalizing our fears & stresses.

Naturally this does not excuse or condone it, since humans are also capable of learning how to accept & deal with our inner ‘demons’.

We see how political candidates temporarily surge in popularity when attacking an opponent, which reinforces the ‘value’ of the tactic. Then the opponents responds in kind, & the cycle continues. This dynamic is also at the root of bullying, whether in school or on the street. The bully’s internal anxieties are relieved by debasing another person or group. Thus blame feeds the roots of every form of bigotry, sexism and racism.”

🌀 🌀 🌀

ABUSE / cruelty: ‘Blaming the victim’ is holding someone responsible for pain they have or are suffering, especially when they did not cause it & had no way of preventing it.
Adult Blamers, in the present: the mental decision (conscious or not) to accuse someone of causing our suffering (even if accurate), WITHOUT acknowledging any possible part we may have in the source of our pain (like sticking around for it)

Damaged parents often blame their children & the whole world for their shortcoimages-2mings & life stressors (Your made me hit you! If it weren’t for you I could have…..). It’s only natural then that as children we take on the blame.
So we learned to:
• make ourselves accountable for what was not our responsibility, AND
not hold others accountable for their bad behavior, and/OR
• blame others for our troubles, the way our parents did

SELF-HATE is the result – incorrectly blaming ourselves when anyone hurts us, even though we have nothing to do with causing it.
ACoAs IRONY:
While pointing out other people’s shortcomings (as it affect us, of course), being hurt by them triggers our S-H, to deny feeling vulnerable.
But we have it backwards – we blame ourselves for the source of our pain to avoid holding our parents accountable for those original wounds.

Reality: We did not deserve being blamed as kids, & we don’t deserve our S-H now, which is simply agreeing with the Perpetrators. In many alcoholic & other unhealthy families, no one took responsibility for their abusive or neglectful ways, & certainly never for their thoughts & emotions.

• It’s imperative for ACoAs to identify when or if someone is actually doing something harmful, neglectful, abandoning – to us or to others. If we are not sure, we can start by making a list of all the ways & times various people have hurt us or our loved ones, & look for common threads.

This is a sincere effort to clarity what we’ve experienced, especially when at the hands of someone who is taking out their damage on us.
The legitimate motivation for this kind of inventory has to be the desire to identify & distinguish between:
• when we’re angry because of unrealistic expectations & assumptions, vs.
• breaking denial about harmful relationships we hang on to, so we can outgrow the addiction to abuse

NEXT: Blame #2

ACoAs & SELF-ESTEEM – what it IS

self-evealuation 

I KNOW WHO I AM
– & I approve!

PREVIOUS: What Self-Esteem is NOT

 

 

 

Self-Esteem IS:
1. Knowing Ourselves well (with + & – characteristics) – accepting & genuinely enjoying who we are, without denial or arrogance
** Some years after both her parents had died, one woman said about herself: “It’s sad that they missed out on experiencing the wonderful person their child has matured into, & would have been from the start, without the damage.”

2. Knowing that all our Emotions (Es) are legitimate, valid & a part of the complete personality.  Es are neither positive or negative – which is a value judgment. Implication: If it’s negative it should be gotten rid of. WRONG! ALL emotions are part of being human AND are valuable, because they tell us what’s right or wrong for US!

3. Knowing that all our Needs are normal & acceptable. Understanding that not all of them will be met, all of the time. That some will take longer than others to achieve, & that some which we didn’t get in childhood may never be fully realized.  But the more we reach for, the more we’ll get. mistakes

4. Being OK with being Human – knowing what our limits & limitations are, realistically. That to be human will always mean making mistakes, not knowing some things, being imperfect, having weaknesses – as well as having the gifts of abilities & talents, which we can hone & enjoy

5. Accepting that no matter how ‘Good or Spiritual’ we are, life can still be unfair, bad things can happen to us, other people will sometimes mess us up… but that does not mean it’s personal or that we’re not trying hard enough.  Having S.E. means we have a right to be here – on the planet – & that our H.P. wants the best for us

6. Being willing & able to take Responsibility for ourselves (all our T.E.A.s) without guilt, shame, fear of punishment or of being abandoned (FoA). We’re able to be our own motivator, rather that using others to give us permission to be or act.  We can protect ourselves from other people’s damage, but own all our reactions, especially to upsetting eventsbalance Es

7. Being able to live in Balance between extremes, most of the time (minimizing drama / trauma). Being peaceful does not mean standing still.  Being calm is not the same as being bored.  Living between +5 & -5 is the best for us, rather than too high or too low (-25 or +25). Part of S.E. is knowing how to think accurately, which lowers anxiety

8. Accepting that Process is part of all accomplishments & personal growth. Delays do not mean failure or being abandoned (never reaching a goal). Process takes time & with S.E. we know we can do a great deal.  When we fail, we have the ability to learn from mistakes, improve ourselves & keep reaching for our goals

9. Always looking for new things to learn & explore, curious about ourselves, other people, including all the newest developments & difficulties in world.
We can take the time to research topics we don’t know about, especially relating to problems that come up with ourselves or family. As we age – our brain stays functional longer IF we include something new / different every so often

10. Being able to freely Express ourselves artistically, using all our talents, knowledge & special gifts. S.E. allows us to pursue our dreams, no matter where they lead us. We don’t have to be perfect, so we’re not afraid to share those talents with othersrelax

11. Being able to Relax, Enjoy, have fun, take time off, rest, ‘veg’ – on a regular basis.  These are necessary to increase ‘good’ chemicals in the brain, which elevate mood. It also give us time to process our daily experiences on internal conscious & sub-conscious levels & to heal from past wounds. We have a right to healthy pleasure!

NEXT: RECOVERY – Is & is NOT (Part 1)