ACoAs: HEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY


 

PREVIOUS: Fear of Responsibility (FoR) #3b

<—- CHART

QUOTE: “In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

HEALTHY appropriate Responsibility (R)
Psychological  / Social DEF: “…. R is the willingness to both
◆ accept the importance of standards that society establishes for individual behavior, AND
◆ to make determined personal effort to live by those standards

Personal responsibility also means that when individuals fail to meet expected standards, they do not look around for some cause outside themselves to blame.” (More….)
NOTE: This def. applies to us now as adults.
We were NOT responsible for what our parents did!

a. About Us

• as adults – we take care of our own needs, not wait for someone else to rescue us
• ask for help when we really do need it
• take time to rest process / rejuvenate, but not isolate

• know ourselves well enough to observe how we functions in the world in many different situations, Improve where possible, but accept our limitations without S-H, & so gain mastery  (Posts: Multiple Intelligences ➡️)

• regularly check the motives that drive our words & actions, & correct them when they’re coming from our damage

• be willing to ‘fess up’ to words or actions we make in error or that hurt someone else, without self-recrimination
• make changes when our thinking & actions are self-defeating or harmful to others
• be interested in improving ourselves, whenever possible – allowing for resistance, damage or outer pressured which may slow down our growth

• identify all our talents, gifts, knowledge & hard work – and USE THEM
• own our strengths & weaknesses, from self-esteem rather than obeying Toxic Rules

b. About Others
• learn the difference between caring about someone & care-taking them
• honor everyone’s personal boundaries, as much as possible (no perfectionism)
• consider the other person’s ‘buttons’ so we don’t keep stepping on their toes

• never assume we know what’s going on with someone, no matter psychic we are or how well we know them
• notice what the other person says about themselves & use that (not ourselves) as the basis for communicating, gift giving, giving support, choosing activities…

• ASK, ASK, ASK – before giving suggestions, advice, instructions….
— ask if they want or need it
— ask what have they done so far (so we don’t waste their time covering what’s already been tried – & maybe didn’t work for them)

• if we can’t keep a promise, let them know as soon as possible
• be emotionally honest with others, without dumping, whining, blaming, being too needy

ADULTING
Taking personal responsibility can help us achieve just about anything IF:
• we take actions aimed at reaching positive goals – not just do what’s in front of us at the moment
• we understand that long-term improvement comes from persistence, not by ‘trying’ in short spurts, once in a while
consistent ‘right action’ is what really pays off, not just thinking about it

When we go about our daily activities from an accurate understanding of personal responsibility, we build self-esteem. As we progress in self -compassion & knowledge, some of the difficulties that have plagued us our whole adult life will diminish or right themselves – without our help! (Reflections on R.)

BENEFITS of Self-Responsibility
✶ we gain inner stability from knowing who we are, & then how to behave
✶ it increase self-esteem & allows the True Self to blossom
✶ it makes us more reliable, likable & trustworthy!
✶ it allows us to get more of what we want in the world
✶ focusing on gratitude gives us comfort & hope

✶ we have less psychological distress
✶ we can trust our judgement & intuition
✶ it eliminates the need for lying or spin
✶ it significantly reduces guilt & shame
✶ it’s easier to solve problems
NOT BAD, huh?

▼ Being respectful & kind – which comes from the Healthy Adult, is NOT co-dependence – which comes from the wounded IC.
➼ Consider how you’d like to be treated & then do likewise to others, whenever possible, without hurting yourself!

NEXT:Anxiety & TEA #1

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