recovery

Being TRUSTWORTHY

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

being reliable
TRUST ALWAYS STARTS WITH ME –
by honoring my awareness & knowledge

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting (Part 2)

QUOTES: “One who does not act in accordance to the deep voice of his inner conscience can not be honest, truthful, trustworthy, loyal & faithful to anyone.”  ~ Anuj Somany, Indian Poet & Civil Engineer

“A relationship without Trust is like a car with our fuel – it can not move ahead.”∼ Invaji

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

TRUSTWORTHINESS
DEF: Being consistent in what you say & do – the same at work, at home & everywhere else. You don’t pretend to be someone else – you are accountable, reliable, responsible & resourceful. “Consistency reinforces trust.

We first need to be reliable toward our Inner Children. Then we’ll express that quality with others, which gives ACoAs the sense of empowerment we say we want. With an inner assurance & positive outer experiences, it reduces anxiety in ourself & the people we deal with.
Trustworthiness is based on a combination of our natural Personality, shared Values, Skills, Integrity & Good-will – which applies to all types of relationships.

BEING T. requires that WE:
• have mostly stopped obeying the Bad Parent voice & all it’s Toxic Beliefs
• are not driven by Self-Hate
• no longer have to lie in order to hide ourself (from the  ACoA Laundry List )
• be much less afraid of abandonment, so can take reasonable risks
WE:
• have burned off enough rage so we don’t have to take it out on others, no matter how subtly
• don’t need to compel anyone to stay with us, to insist others see us, to prove ourselves….
• are able to hear our own ‘still small voice’ & act on it
• know what our rights, skills & talents are, & not afraid to use them

POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS
Psychological – BE:
• first & foremost honest with yourself, based on self-esteem
• able to resist temptations to hurt others for your benefit
• fair in all your interactions – treat others as you want to be treated
• respectful of people’s point of view, even when you deeply disagree
UNIT in chargeBE:
• concerned for others as individuals who have their own path in life (not ours). It gives insight into why people do things or are the way they are
• empathetic with others’ difficulties whenever possible, without taking care of or fixing them
• sympathetic with others’ humanity – allow for faults & mistakes
• able to communicate accurately, openly & transparently (not manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, controlling, sullen or using CDs)

Practical – BE:
• dependable, keep your word, follow thru – within reason. Don’t over-commit, try to impress or promise things you can’t deliver or have no control over
• competent and efficient  – not perfect
• consistent and predictable – not controlling or rigid
BE:
• able to keep other people’s secrets & personal information to yourselfgood communiaction
• faithful & loyal to those who’ve earned your trust
• defend or protect others whenever possible
BE:
• able to listen carefully, with an open mind, without losing yourself
• willing to talk about what you personally know or have experienced, rather than spouting facts, exaggerating or being boastful
AND:
• defend or protect others whenever possible
• ask others about what they know & how they feel – do not be arrogant, superior, narcissistic
• share control, when appropriate, encouraging co-operation & allowing yourself to be supported

BENEFITS of being Trustworthy
happy kidRe. US
• We feel good about ourselves, have self-respect & can hold our head high in any situation
HINT: A happy Inner Child makes for a happy Adult!
• It represents good character (requires doing the ‘right’ thing even when it’s costly or risky), which allows us to build a good reputation
• We find & enjoy abundance in any area of life, & connect with others in our search for a satisfying existence

Re. OTHERSfrindly biz wmn
• Being authentic makes us stand out & become known for integrity
• It makes people want to be around us
• Others like dealing with us professionally, are pleased to see us socially & generally feel comfortable around us
• It makes it easier to get others to cooperate on projects & events
• It contributes to making our community & the world a better place

NEXT: ACoAs Rebuilding Trust – #1

HOW to TRUST

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how to trust 

IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting #4


LIE DETECTING
• To safely trust requires a relatively healthy Inner Self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically (in our gut).
> Safety does not come from being naive, a patsy or unrealistic, which is Over-T.

• Some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have a higher social IQ, while others have to work at it, but it can be accomplished.
When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix.  As we get to know them, we’ll be able to tell if they’re reliable, noticing things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evasion

Interesting: Nancy Carter & J. Mark Weber (2010) surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed that cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Scientists then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.

catch a liarTo everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting (others) participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores.
They were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical giveaways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch.
The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap! (MORE….)

This suggests:
• even though low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them – perhaps as a project of their own tendency to lie – they’re not very good at actually spotting when others are being dishonest
• because high-trusters are better at spotting lies, they’re less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & taking social risks. Also, people who are generally predisposed to trusting others are perceived by others to be trustworthy (MORE… )

PRACTICAL TRUST in BIZ comes from assessing someone’s:
a. Ability – basing expectations on some proof that a candidate has the knowledge & skill to function in a way that meets your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate. ONLY ask them for what you KNOW they have to offer from first-hand experience or reliable sourcesContrats

b. Integrity – how well the hired person sticks to principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties
EXP:  > your spouse keeping their promise of fidelity
> the company you work for provides all stated commitments
> the contractor does the remodeling job, & for the price quoted

c. Respect / Caring – in personal relationships, trust developed over time, so you know the person:
• cares enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way, OR
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’, OR
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru thick or thin, while still taking care of themselves  (MORE….)

You can Trust SAFE people by ALREADY HAVING the:
• Emotional health to rely on appropriate, safe others (being vulnerable enough), to give them the opportunity to treat you in a fair, open & honest way
• Ability to let safe people into your life & build relationships based on mutual respect, caring & concern, so both can grow & mature independently
• ‘Trust’ glue of good relationships, that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner assurance of acceptance from the person who you can share secrets with
• Assurance that things are fine between you – so that, come what may – nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other

BEING ABLEsafe people TO:
• Choose the right people to be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re ‘weak’ / needy
• Let safe-others know your emotions & reactions, with the confidence they’ll respect you & not take advantage
TO :
• Share your innermost Truth with a few others, with the belief – from experience – they won’t spread it around
• Assume safe-others won’t intentionally hurt or abuse you if you make a mistake
• Open up to let safe-others in on your background, problems, concerns & limitations, assured they won’t cut you off because of them.

NEXT: Being Trustworthy

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust #3

SITE: “5 Facets of trust”(Slide #6 & 29-33)
Cultivation & Manifestation of Trust


ATTITUDES that DEVELOP the ability to TRUST

• Self-acceptance: to do this we have to know who we are – good points & weaknesses.  There’s NO room for self-abuse, only realistic assessment of ALL our qualities, abilities & knowledge.  Improved self-esteem makes it safer to get close to people without fear of abuse or abandonment

• Self-disclosure of our woundedness:  Al–anon suggests that “You’re only as sick as your secrets”, so we need to air out our pain & distorted thinking – but ONLY in safe places & with healthier peopletrue inner-self

• A healing environment: good therapists, healers, teachers, recovery & spiritual groups.  As we grow we can change how we interact with significant others, which will lessen blame, accusations & acrimony on all sides

• Diminished fear: many of us will have to ‘act as if’ until we feel safer. Intense fears from the past can linger, & ‘new’ ones depends on negative self-talk & staying with unrecovered people. “If it’s hysterical, it’s  historical”. The less FoA & S-H we have the less our day-to-day fear.  In any case, even with our fears, we don’t have to restrict all our interactions & activities

• More openness: Others can’t connect with us if we keep hiding our True Self.  With Recovery we can risk being appropriately open with the right people, who have proven themselves kind & supportive, so that they can get to know & appreciate us

• Reduced Competitiveness: ACoAs don’t always want exactly what others have, but are envious (between 2 people) & jealous (between 3 or more) because they’re getting their needs met but we’re not allowed to! We feel deeply powerless, becoming enraged & obsessed. So the more we provide our needs, there’ll be less desire for competition or accusations of unfairness, reducing barriers between ourselves & others

Reverse• Remembering the balance of life: the “Boomerang Effect’’ shows that if we are dishonest, mistrusting, narrow-minded… we assume everyone else is too, & are more likely to meet up with the same type.
BUT if we practice being sincere, respectful, kind, open-minded (but not foolish), most people will respond by showing us their best side too. This is not the same as being a victim or people-pleaser, which some people can’t resist taking advantage of

• Hope in the overall good will of mankind: without it we become isolated & emotionally stuck. This comes from learning to recognize & pull out the ‘weeds & parasites’ in our life, & knowing that not everyone is narcissistic or dangerous

NOTE : Trust as a Virtue – in some cultures (rural, religious, fraternities, armed forces, police, gangs, tight-knit criminals….) cooperation & friendly social relations are based on mutual trust & trustworthiness, which are considered a prerequisite & great virtue (“I’m no snitch, I’ve got you back, blood is thicker than water….. ”) (Morton Deutsch, 1973)

HEALTHY PEOPLE WANT TO: 
• be honest with themselves & others in important matterscommunication
• tell their truth, or if they don’t feel safe doing so, be clear as to why
• opt for compromise when someone differs on important matters
• consistently keep their promises
• be respectfully direct & assertive, rather than aggressive or submissive

NEXT: HOW to Trust

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

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THE MORE I TRUST MY JUDGMENT
the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

 

Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.) All 3 must be prescompetenceent, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether referring to personal or business relationships

1. Competence / Results / Ability
Mental: The conscious ability to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” in order to identify which ones are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. Quote : “Reading reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: The demonstrated ability to get results – a combination of practical knowledge ➕ adapting to circumstances, allowing a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: This is when a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, tracking how they express their values in every-day life

Practical: The internal agreement between their values & actions make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & figure out what happened, taking responsibility for their part – without S-H, & work positively to improve future outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• Being aware of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions
• It’s based on genuinely valuing & respecting others. The emotional investment in people allows them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

HEALTHY TRUST (H.T.)
H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

H.T. assumes things usually work out, but can also deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  because we won’t automatically react from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish we could

H.T. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis &/or being in fantasy
H.T. is based on being awake in every situation, evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to our gut feelings (the YEAH or ICK factors). It’s when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive ‘high’ we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
Yuck!
This lala trance-state comes from the WIC, heading us to disappointment & danger, because the high hides our FoA, lack of Boundaries, & ultimately our Longing for an idealized mommy

TRUSTWORTHY People WILL :
• accept us for who we are – rather than what we sound like, how we look, what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (VS. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations
• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws

• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or being insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not try to fix / solve our problems)
• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)

• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not seen as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their capacity.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 2)

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TRUST

TRUSTING MY JUDGEMENT  
needs a healthy foundation!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

SITE: re. Trust issues, brief Questionnaire

TRUST (T) is valid when:
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
• we experience a positive outcome from trusting someone (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we were told about / receive the money we were promised / enjoy a shared experience ….)
fia-color
EXP:  Faith – the trust-er believes that their chosen path is pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of worry about what the outcome of faith-based decisions will be, whether successful & joyful or unpleasant & tragic

DIMENSIONS of TRUST
Delayed Reciprocity – a simple formula for creating trust is the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ which suggests that if I give you something now, I trust (hope, expect) that it will be repaid / returned, in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.  In a flexible environment I can get what I need when I need it, without having to pay right away, with the assumption that I’ll return the ‘favor’ when asked. Since this arrangement creates uncertainly, trust (& obligation) play a big part.

Exposevulnerabled Vulnerability – in a trust arrangement I may well be leaving myself open for my vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of.  The threat of pay-back or feeling guilty may curb the temptation to abuse my exposed ‘soft side’. But if you do use something against me I get hurt, end up with the shorter stick, & may punish you. SO for things to work between us successfully, I need to be able to trust that you won’t make me (or yourself) suffer.

Predictability – it’s normal for people to make forecasts, trying to figure out what other people will do or what will happen, for our ourselves personally & in the world in general. We want to spot and prepare for threats, as well as make plans to achieve longer-term goals.  The point of greatest unpredictability is at 50%, so a reliable enemy is ‘safer’ than an unpredictable friend – at least we know where we are with them.  If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a safe present and an even better future.

Value Exchange – Most of transactions in life are based on reciprocity, which works because we each Screen Shot 2015-09-20 at 9.27.35 PMvalue things differently. You need food & have a skill, I have money & need a job done. Trust in value-exchange occurs when we don’t know exactly whether what we’re getting is what we asked for & expect. It means making an exchange with someone when you don’t know very much (or anything) about them, their intention or what they’re actually going to provide.  (MORE……)

RECOVERY re. “UNDER-Trusting” post – here are some healthy internal responses we can develop for our own benefit, in relation those who —
• ignore us: Teach the WIC that no one can make us invisible! Some can see us & some cannot – that is no reflection on us (pun intended)!  When we have a True Self we are visible to ourselves & those who have ‘eyes’, knowing that we can’t make “blind people see colors!” Everyone else is only a potential connection, but not a necessary one

• are mean to us: We can develop the ability to stand up to them when appropriate & not a danger to us, or stay away from them altogether
• have good boundaries: It’s not their job to rescue or parent us. The distress that gets triggered is from our old wounds, not their behavior. This pain needs to be owned & dealt with in Program, therapy & our spiritual practice.  And we can also learn from these healthier people to develop our own limits & self-care

NEXT: Healthy Trust #3

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 1)

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catching myself

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust #2

 

“TRUST” comes from the German word “trost” meaning ‘consolation’, which implies feeling comfortable. In this context it’s relevant to remember that ACoAs almost never felt comforted growing up.
It’s one reason we were never able to trust! And now, as adults, we don’t realize how much we still need to be comforted, so we’re ashamed when we feel vulnerable, needy & ‘feeling sorry’ for ourselves

✶ Genuine trust is first & ultimately foremost about being able to trust ONESELF, a quality we cultivate via our True inner Voice. As an adult, it’s trusting your own judgement, knowing from experience & mindfulness that you will get what you’ve asked for – rather than being afraid & hesitantthumbsUp

A major factor for trusting others IS picking the right person, location, opportunity… that suits us & is do-able, staying away from those that are not.
While there’s a certain level of risk because people & life can be unpredictable, if we’re emotionally balanced, it’s possible to be confident enough to handle setbacks & disappointments

• ACoAs need & want safety above all else – even more than love – neither of which our parents provided enough of, so we believe we’re not entitled to it
• But we can’t feel safe if we can’t trust. AND we can’t trust as long as we’re flooded with Self-Hate! The Al-Anon preamble says “…..we will love you until you can love yourself”.

Healthy trust is not about who or what others are. This is hard for ACoAs to internalize because of co-dependence & S-H.  ACoAs need to find people & / or groups that are safe enough to help us heal so we can become kind to ourselves (via the Loving Parent) & trust that “I know what I know!” (via the Healthy Adult)

• Assumption: ACoAs usually think of trust only in the  POSITIVE – ‘I can rely on X…… I can expect Y to…..’, which is true but only unrealiablehalf the story, & encourages Over-Trusting

HOWEVER
• Balance: Healthy Trust also includes knowing who & what is NOT reliable. The characteristics & patterns of Damage are just as predictable & consistent as those of Health, but will only cause problems.

• We can trust that a specific person will continually abuse or disappoint us, based on their consistent pattern of behavior (patent, ‘friend’…)
• We can trust that a specific location will usually be unsuitable or dangerous (bars, some neighborhoods….)
• We can trust that a type of event is the wrong one for us……

Once we know what to look for we can see it all around us, & depend on the outcome to be harmful or just a waste of time – without having to be hit over the head each time!

EXP: If you’re not paying attention when you go into a room & sit down on the first chair that looks comfortable – you may be shocked & maybe injured if it collapses & you land on your butt – because you assumed all chairs are equally well made & sturdy

🍋 Yet that’s what ACoAs often do with people & situations – we don’t pay attention or evaluate who or what we’re getting involved with.  Many times we accept friends lovers, jobs, pets, invitations, apartments …. without asking: “What do I want? Is this something I’m interested in? Does this suit my needs or fit my personality?
AND: “What is this person/place telling we about themself?”

TRUST (T) is valid when:
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
fia-color• we experience a positive outcome from trusting the right person or info (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we heard about / receive the  promised money / enjoy a shared experience ….)
EXP:  Faith – the trust-er believes that their chosen path is pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of worry about the outcome of faith-based decisions will be, whether successful & joyful or unpleasant & tragic.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 2)

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

mistrust
I’LL NEVER GET WHAT I WANT
so I might as well end it

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


PATTERNS (cont)
c. PARANOIA // d. OVER-TRUSTING
e. MIND-READING
We’re always trying to figure out:
• WHY someone did or didn’t do what we wanted (“Why hasn’t he called me back?”, “Why did thmindreadingey leave?”…). We think that if we can figure it out, we can fix ourself so they won’t leave us, or so they’ll come back

• WHAT they’re thinking in general, & specifically about us, so we know where we stand, what they want from us, how we should behave ……
Our co-dependence makes us assume that if they like us we‘re allowed to live, but if they disapprove or are angry at us we should be dead! & this happens over & over with each person, so we’re emotional yo-yos

f. BACK-DOOR
At the same time we build-in a defense strategy in relationships to manage our FoA by automatically looking for flaws in others, which we can use as an excuse to escape the minute we feel disappointed. back doorThey’re bound to fail our tests by — not reading our mind, not rescuing us, not symbiosing with us….
It’s our ‘fear of commitment’, so we never quite have both feet firmly in the relationship, BUT then complain that we can’t connect / don’t feel close / aren’t valued….

• An extreme version of this is when we really do want to get out of a relationship but don’t have the right or the courage to do it directly — we create drama (fights, an affair, constantly pressuring them….), pushing the other person away in order to force them into doing the leaving. BUT then we feel abandoned, unloved – & angry!

g. TESTING
On the one hand we have created a set of rules for others to follow (no matter what kind of relationship), often unconsciously AND which we don’t tell the other person about.  Our rules are THAT OTHERS:
• treat us in the the positive ways we say we’d like, but are not allowed to ask for directly or do for ourselves
• fulfill our expectation & demand they be the good parents we didn’t have
• are the measuring stick we use to know what to expect – so we won’t be cotestingnned & not feel so vulnerable

💔 THEN we wait to see how many of our ‘rules’  they provide or which ones they violate. When they inevitably fail, we feel justified in our anger & disenchantment with them – & all of humanity!

h. The THIRD DEGREE
On the other hand, we may try to be safe by asking endless questions, probing to see what’s really going on, to see if the situation is safe, what do they like, want, need…..
NOTE: Information about who people are is legitimate & necessary – but here we’re talking about frantic, incessant interrogation because we can’t trust our perceptions, or other people, & can’t letting things unfold slowly

i. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES
a. Verbally attack or threaten physical harm ahead of assumed danger, especially if someone has inadvertently pushed one of our old buttons, like accusing us wrongly or acting needy
EXP: A young woman threatened each new lover with bodily harm on the first date if he ever did or said anything to scare her

b. Since we assume we’ll be abandoned sooner or later, WE:
• can’t wait to tell others about how messed up we arepreempt love
• act obnoxious & immature
• never respond to anything seriously, using ‘clever’ phrases
• stay very impersonal, only talking from the head, only about actions
• insult others, have a hostile attitude most of the time, answer civil or ‘innocent’ questions with ridiculous or angry retorts
EXP: A young woman reacted harshly when a new boyfriend asked if she was going to make him breakfast. She spit out “I wouldn’t be caught dead cooking!”
• One girl was asked by another if she liked her dress. The first answered:  “I wouldn’t wear it, but it’s ok on you”

NEXT: Healthy Trusting (Part 1)

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

protect heart
I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS
– even if it keeps me from being loved!I

PREVIOUS: UNDER-Trusting (Part 3)

 

IMP:
We are not to blame for being deeply mistrustful of everyone.
But we also need to be clear about how we perpetuate the patterns created by our trauma so we can stop beating ourselves up, feeling ashamed, & limiting our options. (CDs: INFO & the Brain)
Instead, we can try out new internal beliefs & external actions.

• We have experienced many, many betrayals by the important people in our life – from family, friends, spouse, school, church or government. Some or all of these betrayals are so extreme we may never be able to forgive, regardless of what the ‘gurus’ tell us.
This is not to deny the benefits of forgiveness – just that if we can’t do it (yet) but believe we should, ‘or else’, we unfairly add to our self-hate & sense of failure.

PATTERNS* of Mistrust
* All of these are being generated by the WIC in an attempt to protect ourself from further harm, but are totally unsuccessful, since they prevent us from getting the closeness & love we so desperately need – AND have a right to. And all are forms of control – based on trying to stave off more PMES abandonment.

a. FAKE MEWIC pretending
We clearly got the message that who & what we were as a child was unacceptable to our parents. So as adults, when interacting with others, the WIC in dress-up tries to ‘improve’ our personality by twisting in unnatural avatars – into something we think some present-day person or group is going to want or find acceptable

• We spend a lot of time trying to figure out “how I should feel”, “what I should wear”, “what I’m going to say”…… & never get it quite right, because it’s artificial. Of course, if we’re being run by our WIC, we don’t know who we are or how to relate from a place of empowerment, so it’s very hard to be healthy and safe at the same time

b. LABELING
Some of us decide at the beginning of a relationship (potential friend or lover) what kind it’s going to be, without having enough information about the other person or giving it enough time to develop organically.
We may think: “THIS ONE IS :
• just going to be a friendship
• just for sex
• isn’t going to last
• just casual
• permanent  / ‘the one’
• the one I can’t live without
• I’ll love forever”……

Again, we’re trying to control the outcome to be prepared for the inevitable abandonment we expect.  Preconceived notions may –
• actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss because we prevented it from growing into something positive
• shock us with unexpected results, if we have illusions about it
• severely disappoint all unrealistic expectations
• occasionally surprise us by turning into something better than hoped for

c. PARANOIA
Because we were so often hurt as a child, we conclude that for the rest of our lives everyone** will inevitably do us harm, sooner or later.  So we assume the worst of anyone we meet, men and women, although some of us may be more afraid of one gender than another, depending on which parent was more consistently damaging or crueler.paranoid

• We actually scan our environment for the potential danger we’re sure is there & – of course – we find it.
• We ALSO ignore all the neutral or positive people & things around us, so we can maintain our ‘story’ that “The whole world is dangerous”, in order to validate our childhood trauma

** This is our reaction even with people who have consistently proven to treat us well, making it hard to benefit from anyone who can be there for us – in healthy ways

d. OVER-TRUSTING (recent post)
Everyone tells us about themselves, subtly or not, yet we ignore all the unhealthy things we hear & experience about people we ‘need’, staying too long at the party & getting trampled. Then wonder why we can’t trust!

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 2)

ACoAs UNDER – Trusting & Brain (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

untrustworthyI DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE
but I’m afraid to let anyone in

PREVIOUS:
Under-Trusting (#2)

See post: ”Lack of Trust”

QUOTES: “Our distrust is very expensive.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“….but you will live in torment unless you trust enough.” ~Frank Crane
“He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted.” ~Lao Tzu

INFO
A perception of competence is the belief that when we need to cooperate with other people, we’re capable of giving each other what we need. In abusive situations, perhaps the most obvious violation of competence is the neglectful parent.

A perception of intentions – in a trusting relationship – is when we believe that everyone’s working towards a shared desire, & no one’s going to be exploited. However, we can’t / shouldn’t trust someone we think or know is trying to use us for their own benefit    (MORE….)

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T Trust (Part 2)

🔶 RESULTS of UNDER-Trusting (UT)
EMOTIONAL
• we don’t experience the joys & challenges of intimacy because we never let our guard down, AND don’t find out what’s really going on w/ someone else
• it makes us bitter & cynical about others, because we miss out on great friendships & love – which can heal
• we miss out on fun, camaraderie, which alleviates some of our loneliness, AND provides relaxation

PERSONALdeprivation
• Keeps us isolated: we start out suspicious / paranoid from childhood, then the isolation makes us more so – because we don’t know what’s really going on around us
• Makes it hard to fulfill our potential, because we don’t trust genuine praise, OR helpful info from friends, bosses, teachers….

SOCIAL
• Don’t let others know who we are – really, not just our needs but our abilities, SO don’t get the mirroring, validation we need
• Lose respect & ‘street cred’ at work for not being more social or a team player
• Miss outlonely-senior on available info, opportunities which could help us advance, or find a new direction in life we’d prefer
• People don’t easily come to us for our knowledge, expertise, help…SO we don’t always get the admiration & honors we’ve earned & wish for
• Possibly lose loved ones, friends, even jobs – by being stingy, suspicious, unfriendly, uncommunicative

BEHAVIORAL
• Deprivation – we end up having to do everything ourselves & what we can’t do alone gets left undone – even if it’s important
• Keeps us from risking (which takes a certain trust / faith in the possibility of good outcomes), because we don’t have help when needed (sick, moving, fired, divorce, kids…)

spiritual disconnect

• On a broader scale, under-trusting separates us from the world at large. It can make us suspicious of anyone ‘not like us’, potentially leading to anti-social behavior

• UT makes it hard to have a spiritual connection, which prevents us from having a sense of belonging to the human race, leaving us ‘out in the cold’ just like we were in our family

*    *     *    *    *
🟩 The BRAIN & Trusting
1. A recent study (2015) with 82 participants showed differences in brain structure according to how trusting people are of others.
The most important finding was that the ventral medial prefrontal cortex was larger in people who tended to be more trusting of others, the region that serves to evaluate social rewards.

Another finding was that the volume of the amygdala was greater in 2 groups – those who were most trusting & those who were least trusting of others. This brain structure helps code & remember things that are emotionally important to us.

2. Many decisions we make hinge on how much we trust others, built on past dealings with a person OR their reputation.
A study used MRI to brain-scan participants while playing a Trust Game with various partners who – by social reputation – were pre-labeled as fair, unfair & indifferent, in order to make trust-based decisions together.

Any activated part of the brain uses more oxygen, so the more oxygenated blood that flows into an area, the stronger the signal.
The images showed the brain area called the caudate (deals with decisions & responds to reputation) “lit up” most strongly in the ‘trusters’ when dealing with unfair or indifferent partners, but not with the fair ones.

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust – #1

ACoAs UNDER-Trusting (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

001c0405llALL AUTHORITY IS BAD – & determined to keep me down!

PREVIOUS: UNDER-Trusting (#1)

REVIEW: “Unrealistic Expectations”
🔶 UNDER-Trusting (UT) (Part

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T Trust (cont.)
a. Abandonment // b. Self-Hate

c. Shame  
• We feel such deep shame about being unlovable, the bad seed, a mess, too damaged…. that we withdraw from others, not letting them see who we really are & what we need
• OR we compulsively tell everyone all the things that are wrong with us
& then feel ashamed for exposing ourselves – but keep doing it

It’s generally true that our culture does not value or respect vulnerability – only a ‘stiff upper lip’. So if we talk to the wrong person about our pain, they’ll make fun, dismiss, judge, say we’re overreacting, it’s all in the past, we should be over it by now…… but the most common thing we’ll hear is : ‘Don’t be negative” – which is about thinking, not emotions! ➡️

NOTE: This is not the same as sharing about our inner wounds in meetings or therapy, where it’s appropriate, even though we feel shame & fear of punishment & rejection in those places too

EXP – Angela borrowed $35 from a recovery friend. She was going thru a very hard year & kept putting off repaying. Then she moved to another city & lost touch. The woman finally tracked her down & angrily demanded her due, saying Angela was irresponsible & not to be trusted.

Angela was very upset, knowing she was in the wrong, but also realizing that trying to always look good on the outside, she had been too ashamed to tell the woman her troubles, which would have helped her ‘friend’ understand the delay

d. Unrealistic Expectations
Even though many ACoAs can’t or don’t want to be honest, dependable or fair (#3 on the ACoA Laundry List) we have a desperate need for unrealisticeveryone else to be.  AND we’re too literal (normal for children, but not realistic as adults) – so we assume / need to believe that people mean exactly what they say. If we hear:
✦ “ I’ll bring you the book tomorrow”, we look forward to getting it the next day
✦ “I’ll call you right back”, we sit around & wait, & wait…..
✦ “Let’s get together soon”, we want to know exactly when

THEN if they don’t come thru, ACoAs get very upset, leaving us:
• deeply disappointed, so our mistrust gets reinforced
• feeling S-H, convinced that it’s personal (NOT), that it’s our fault, we weren’t likable, assertive, clear enough….

REALITY – The other person may:
• be a people-pleaser, just being polite, so the ‘promise’ is not sincere, but not malicious
• have meant it at the time they said it, but got busy, forgot, got distracted or delayed….
YES, occasionally we run in to a narcissist or sadist who is just messing with us (maybe like one of our parents or classmates…) but that will be rare, unless we’re still living with someonreation to authoritye like that!

e. Authority
ACoAs automatically distrust all authority figures because the first ones in our life were cruel or weak – which then gets extended to the ‘ultimate authority’ – God.  Now we react in one of 3 ways, by:
being victims & people-pleasers, rebelling & fighting or withdrawing & isolating

• This is understandable as far as early experience is concerned. However, as adults we’ll continue fearing all authority ONLY as long as we’re not yet empowered ourself.
If we’re still interacting with the world mainly as a WIC, then we continue to depend on others, & so are always vulnerable to bad parent figure – teachers, bosses, therapist, doctors, politicians….
🔺With a True Self, healthy self-esteem & good boundaries, we can be on an equal footing with others

UNHEALTHY: Some ACoAs need to be ‘the authority figure’ so:leadership
• we can punish others for what was done to us
• no one can take advantage of us
• we can put others in their place (down)

HEALTHY: Some people are born to be leaders, entrepreneurs, self-motivators, & can learn to take on the mantle of power without misusing it.  Not everyone is born to be ‘under’ someone’s authority (working for others).

NEXT: Under-trusting (Part 3)