alcoholism

ACoAs & HUMILIATION (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

inner-critic I’VE LEARNED ALL TOO WELL
to humiliate myself & let others


PREVIOUS: Humiliation – Part 1

 

1. EXTERNAL Sources (cont)
a. Physical
b. Emotional (Part 1)

c. MENTAL
Being:
• always held at arm’s length (non-responsive mate, child, ‘friend’)
• deliberately overlooked or ignored
• falsely accused, or subject to slander, gossip, insinuations
• given the silent treatment, treated as invisible
• made to wait for someone unnecessarily, habituallymental abuse
• threatened with any form of abuse

Having
• acknowledgement or recognition withheld
• to agree with someone’s opinion or beliefs which contradict your own
• the attention you get only be a way to manipulation you
• to apologize unfairly, when not guilty of anything
• your experience or information dismissed, discounted, silenced

d. SOCIAL 
Being:
• forced to defer to others who are less honorable, intelligent or less qualified
• poor, unemployed, foreclosed, homeless
• reduced in authority, power, rank, responsibility, role, title
• publicly disrespected, downgraded, defeated, slighted
• shamed by bad investments, debt, bankruptcyignored
• subjected to punishment, social powerlessness, imprisonment
• shamed for appearance, character,  gender, heritage, race
• made the victim of a practical joke, prank, or confidence scheme

NOTE: Not all recipients of these experiences are innocent. While many people are true victims – some ‘earn’ one or more of these mistreatments by acting out, being abusive, disrespectful, criminal activities…. or by unconsciously setting themselves up, to have someone teach them a lesson, punish or pay them back.

This does not mean that humiliation is a legitimate way to treat anyone – but is often the way people retaliate on their abusers (perpetrator), or copy their original tormentor by inflict on others the injuries previously done to them.

2. INTERNAL Source: Self-humiliation
Being put down always comes from outside, something done TO someone, & is NOT acceptable to most victims.

However, if you were continually humiliated as a child – at school, in the playground, but especially at home – you came to believe you deserved it, so is the way you should always be treated (via the PP = introject).
Even though it makes you feel angry, sad, lonely, hopeless…. & maybe consciously you don’t think it’s right or fair – you’ve internalize the mistreatment (of course) & will act it out in many, or all, parts of your life

• For ACoAs, being humiliated is experienced as :
“You’re attacking my feeling shamevery essence, & it seems to make enough sense since I already doubt my own worth, so I feel shame”.

It represents a lack of self-respect – not about our abilities or actions – but about the core of our being, saying we have no intrinsic value.
Without ‘serious’ help to understand & deal with it, we assume it’s inevitable – perpetuating our self-degradation, & finding others who will also reinforce the original pattern

SHAME is internal. It’s an emotional response to an insult to our basic Self.
As adults, we can only feel humiliated if we agree with what’s said or done to us. When we’re insecure about our rights & our value, we’re more prone to feel shame when disrespected, because we give too much weight to what others think of us than to what we think of ourselves.
NOTE: Feeling ashamed is from us. But –
‘Being shamed’ is the same as ‘being humiliated’ – & comes from others

WAYS of functioning from shame, S-H & FoA
🚩 an adult always acting or sounding like a child (childish / immature)
🚩 acting out in various ways, public drunkenness, lewdness, fighting
🚩 always grabbing the spotlight, being arrogant, showing off
🚩 being inappropriate in a particular setting (actions / language suited to some venues, but not the one you’re in)
chasing🚩 being sexually inappropriate, promiscuous
🚩 ‘chasing’ anyone who is just not interested or definitely unavailable, &/or something unrealistic, not appropriate…
🚩 dating people who neglect & abuse you
🚩 justifying or over-explaining yourself
🚩 making a fool of yourself – for attention, from rage or arrogance
🚩 not having or using common sense
talking too much🚩 not ‘letting go’, not accepting reality

🚩 punishing self or letting other punish you – for making mistakes
🚩 talking trash, over-using sexual innuendos
🚩 telling everyone your personal business / all of your flaws / dumping your problems in them
🚩 trying to do the impossible (reversed Serenity Prayer)
🚩 trying to convince a narcissist of your point of view, or that you’re right & they’re wrong

NEXT: Humiliation (Part 3)

ACoAs & HUMILIATION (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , ,

humiliationI’VE BEEN DOWN SO LONG
I can’t imagine ever getting up!

PREVIOUS: Anger T & F, #2

SITE: “Humiliation” (Wikipedia)

QUOTEs: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

 

» DEF: Being in a state of disgrace, a loss of prestige &/or self-respect.
A person who is continually subjected to severe humiliation will experience major depression, suicidal thoughts or actions, & severe anxiety states, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

RESEARCH: A study at the U of Michigan revealed that the same areas of the brain which light up when we experience a physical injury – are activated when we experience intense social rejection.
In other words, humiliation & isolation are felt just as strongly as body pain.

NOTE: Humiliation is not the same as humility. The opposite of Humiliation is Appreciation

HUMILIATION originally comes from external sources – which then get internalized as part of the PP voice (Introject).
✦ THEN – for ACoAs it comes first & foremost from our family, & then often from school, church, neighborhood…. It’s ‘being shamed’ rather than feeling ashamed

✦ NOW- a less severe event may cause us to “take offense” when something is said or done to us, which comes from what or how we think (cognitive, intellectual).
Whereas –
✦ Humiliation is more demeaning & hurtful – visceral, existential – about who we are fundamentally

In the present, most ‘victims’ disagree with the humiliation laid on them – don’t like it, know they don’t deserve it, see the treatment as unjust….but don’t believe they have any options, & so don’t challenge the source or change their environment

1. EXTERNAL Sources
Humiliation involves an event or ongoing situation that indicates unequal power in a relationship, where we are in a one-down position & unjustly diminished.
Often the painful experience(s) are vividly remembered for a long time after, & can lead to anxiety, especially if the exposure was prolonged. It requires:
victim/perp1. a Perpetrator exercising negative power,  in many different settings

2. a Victim who is truly powerless (child, minority, the poor….)
OR who is re-enacting a long-held victim role from childhood, so is who;; vulnerable to being humiliated
3. one or more Witnesses to or observers of – the event(s), such as family members, neighbors, teachers, the general public, peers, officials…. who usually do not object or help  (bystanders, helpers), sometimes even egging the perpetrator(s) on, as in bullying (Flying Monkeys)

➼ The following list was compiled by Leland R. Beaumont at “Emotional Competency” & can be applied to children as well as adults.

a. PHYSICAL / SEXUAL (most visible)
Being
• boundary / privacy invaded, trespassed on
• denied basic needs &/or social amenities
• exploited, suppressed, violated
• forced to do or say something distasteful & self-shaming
• injured, assaulted (hit, spit on…), attacked
• isolated or physically abandoned
• the loser in a dominance contest / cheated on
• molested, incested, raped
• often beaten, slapped, kicked, punched
Having  your:elder abuse
• abilities diminished from being disabled, or movement severely limited
• basic personal freedoms lost (mobility, access, autonomy)
• competence / confidence damaged – from being tricked, trapped, mislead, opposed, sabotaged, let down
• goals & plans constantly thwarted, over a long time
• resources diminished from being defrauded, robbed, cheated, evicted
• safety or security reduced by intimidation or threat
• to see / watch a loved one sexually assaulted
• to watch a love interest flirt with another, causing intense jealousy

b. EMOTIONAL /PSYCHOLOGICAL
Being
• blamed for things that have nothing to do with you
• blatantly rejected, treated unfairly, forced to back down
• betrayed, cheated, lied to, defrauded, suckered, duped
• denied basic personal & emotional needs
• deprived of privileges, rights or human dignitymade fun of
• forced to swallow one’s pride
• laughed at, mocked, teased, ridiculed, given a dirty look
• lowered in ones own or another’s estimation, made to feel powerless
• dependent (not by choice), especially on weaker people
Being
 • made to look stupid or foolish
• manipulated, dominated, controlled, forced to submit
• taken for granted, used to fill a need in others
• denigrated for ones values & beliefs, made fun of
• snubbed, put down, disgraced, shamed (not ashamed)
• treated as an equal by someone of a lower-status
• treated like an object (it) or animal, rather than a person

NEXT: Humiliation (Part 2)

Anger MYTHS – T or F (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

anger moster -3

IT’S GOOD TO GET MY ANGER OUT – as long as it’s in a SAFE way

PREVIOUS: Myths =F (#2)


ANGER
🔐 is “all in your head”
True: that anger is first generated in the brain, but….
False: …..in that it’s not just a state of mind or made up. All emotions are primarily physical experiences, felt throughout the whole body. It’s instantly experienced in our muscles long before we’re conscious of how we’re feeling – the hairs on the back of the neck, tightening in shoulders, chest or gut, finger-temperature warming up, + RISING: blood pressure, blood sugar levels, heart rate, respiration rate…..

EXP: “I feel like I have a big fist pressing on my chest when I get that angry / I have trouble swallowing that / I have a knot in my stomach….”anger energy
➼ It’s impossible to hide anger from a skilled observer (body stance, tone of voice…), although many people miss the signs in themself
(FIGURE —> Finnish research )

🔐when suppressed, it always causes serious health problems
False: This is not inevitable, particularly if we have some control over whatever situation is causing the anger, but when unresolved it will create problems in most relationships.
INT:  the latest research has disproven the theory that suppressed anger results in stomach ulcers. The most common cause is a bacterial infection or drugs that attack the lining of the stomach. (Post: ‘Somatizing anger‘)

True/False: Researchers have also discovered there can sometimes be a correlation between anger & depression, but not always, & not automatically. Sometimes there is just anger, & sometimes there’s just depression (such as when it’s physical / hereditary)

ANGER
🔐 is the result of human conflict
False: Damaged parents regularly dump their anger on their young ones, even when the children haven’t done anything to ‘deserve / earn’ it.
And, as adults we can just as easily be angry/ cranky/ mean because of internal unhappiness & S-H – as from what others do or don’t do.
ALSO, a leading expert on anger has found that people can get angry by being exposed to foul odors, aches & pains, hot temperatures — none of which involve (or can be blamed on) the actions of others. (MORE….)

True: Continual conflict can easily escalate from —> irritation & frustration to —> rage to —> homicide or war. On a smaller scale, other people can push our buttons, especially the ones we haven’y dealt with (BUTTONS: being accused wrongly, being disappointed or disrespected, ignored, waiting too long….). 
Wars are fought over being wronged in some way, which generates anger,
OR greed on a large scale – which is not about anger

🔐 can be relieved or released by yelling, hitting, kicking or punching things (not people)….. & always needs to be dumped
False:  Some studies have shown that people who arbitrarily vent their anger in aggressive ways simply get better at being angry.
True: Releasing anger appropriately is called “catharsis”.  Along with some form of Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT), physical release of stored anger/rage-energy is necessary for full Recovery, especially – but not exclusively – for people who are Kinesthetically oriented.

Privately / safely letting it out in a safe, private place (pounding. yelling or punching) can release tension, but by itself doesn’t heal the underlying problem  (Post: ‘Volcanic anger’)
This can be done in the form of Brain Re-patterning, Trauma Release work, Core Energetics, Psychodrama…. (MORE…… // Anger & exercise)

ANGER
🔐 is relieved or eliminated by talking it out 
False: In her book “Anger:The Misunderstood Emotion”, Carol Tavris states, “Talking out an emotion doesn’t reduce it, it rehearses it. This is true for many who want to stay angry because it prevents them from feeling vulnerable.” This way of dealing with anger is actually resentment – because we’re only thinking about it (T), instead of actually feeling it (E).

True: It’s a way to start the process of becoming aware & owning how much hidden rage we have stored in our unconscious & in the body (muscles, organs, cells….)

NOTE: ACoA FoO therapy will often increase our awareness of the anger we’ve stored from childhood hurt as we come out of denial about how much damage we suffered as kids (thawing frozen emotions). Then crying & body-work is needed for actual release.

NEXT: ACoAs & Humiliation (#1)

Anger MYTHS – False (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

anger creature -2

IT’S VERY IMPORTANT
to deal with anger as it comes up

PREVIOUS: Anger Myths –
FALSE (#1)

SITE: “Why we shout in anger” – a Hindu teaching


ANGER
⚡️is an uncontrollable natural force, so can’t be reined in
False: Many people believe that once they’re angry they can’t influence it (“I can’t control my anger – it’s just who I am”) & therefore have to let it ‘run its course’. Not so.
While we don’t always have control of an external situation, no one can make us FEEL or BEHAVE in a certain way. Anyone can learn to be in charge of their reaction – via the Healthy Adult. It’s a skill set, like shooting a basketball or learning a new language. Practice, practice, practice!

⚡️is something that happens to us
False: Anger, as well as all other emotions, are our biochemical responses to events, & then may or may not be expressed as actions. Sometimes it feels like a physical impulse that’s out of our control – because it’s erupting from the unconscious, like a lightning strike. However, it is in fact energy that comes from us, rather than happening to us – triggered by our thoughts – inside (about ourselves) or from outside re. PPT (about others)

⚡️is only a problem when expressed (at all)
False: Only about 10% of people act out their anger inappropriately, & they are the visible ones – the squeaky wheels who get everyone’s attention.
Almost everyone else either suppresses it (“I don’t want to talk about it!”) or represses it altogether (“I’m not angry – really!”). Both groups need anger management classes just as much as the ‘ragers’.

ANGER
⚡️always leads to aggression / some form of violence
False: It may seem to be true if we were raised with one or more rage-aholics, & if we then also have chosen to stay with ragers as adults.
BUT healthy people have learned productive ways of processing & channeling their anger, so it never leads to being self-destructive or abusive to others.

Of course, chemicals (alcohol/ drugs/ some medicines, even food allergies…) can generate anger & set off a compulsion to be nasty, either because the cognitive brain isn’t in charge OR if we haven’t learned to recognize the symptoms of rage or how to handle them

⚡️increases as we get older
False: It’s the other way around – as people age, they report fewer difficult/ painful / intense emotions, & greater emotional control. People – like wine & cheese – do tend to improve with age. Research shows that the angriest people are 14 yrs old boys!
EXCEPTION : We’ve all seen or heard of crabby / nasty old men & women, but they’ve always been that way!

⚡️ is not a ‘problem‘ IF we don’t sound / look angry
deny angerFalse: Anyone who does not understand & appreciate the potential value of anger will have a problem with it. There are ways to tell if someone has hidden anger/rage, even when they don’t admit to it – by holding themseld stiffly, always being fearful, being overly nice, being paranoid, jealous, controlling….
(see posts: “Passive-aggressive anger” // Secretly angry ‘nice people’)

ANGER
⚡️is best dealt with by stuffing it 
False: Some of us think that learning to control our anger means having to always hold it in. WRONG. Instead, we need to be able to recognize when we’re angry, & learn how best to express it. Healthy adults don’t stock-pile emotions the way we had to as kids.  (Post: “Low-level anger“)

⚡️ is only a ‘problem’ for certain types
False: All types of people experience anger – truck drivers, college professors, physicians, housewives, grandmothers, lawyers, geniuses, siblings, policemen, career criminals, poor people, millionaires, children, the elderly, clergy, people of any color / nationality / religion….. Anger is a universal emotion!

⚡️ is all about getting even
False: Getting-even-anger can be about revenge/payback, about wanting fairness, or childish tit-for-tat. But there are many other reasons for our anger, such as letting off steam over accumulated frustrations, asserting authority or independence, to protect against feeling vulnerable or used to cover up fear we may not even admit to. However, the main one is to protect ourselves from abuse. (Post: “Retaliatory anger“)

NEXT: Anger MYTHS T & F (Part 1)

Anger MYTHS – False (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

anger creature -1I NEED TO RECONSIDER what I thought was true

PREVIOUS: A. Categories #14

SITE: many poems @ ‘Anger‘

QUOTEs:  “Never give away your self-control to someone who isn’t yourself.”

ANGER
⚡️ is good
TRUE: Anger has a variety of positive uses. It can energize, help us get things done, cope with stress, promote self-esteem, & defend against inner fear & insecurity, and be a protection against abuse.
Like all other emotions, it is God-given/inborn, to warns us of real or perceived threats to ourself OR a loved one – an early warning detection system that tells us we need to change an undesirable / unsafe situation
💠
⚡️ is abnormal
False: Everyone experiences anger. We can see it in tiny babies, especially when frustrated, as they screw up their face & shake their tight little fists. It’s one of a wide range of emotions we need in order to communicate what we like and don’t like

⚡️ is not a “real” emotion
False: Some psychologists say that anger is a “counterfeit emotion.” While anger can be considered ‘secondary’ because it’s often triggered by others such as anxiety, embarrassment, fear, guilt, jealousy, shame….  – yet it is a separate emotion, since it’s possible to experience any of these other emotions without getting angry

⚡️is taken too seriously!cell pnone anger
False: The Venter / Spewer type thinks & often says that other people should understand they didn’t mean what they said in the ‘heat of the moment’.
However – many times they did mean exactly what they said, but needed the fuel of anger to let it out, even if exaggerated. AND – regardless of the rager’s intention – they do cause actual hurt, embarrassment, humiliation & fear.
ANGER
⚡️and love just don’t mix
False: They are 2 sides of the same coin. We usually don’t have strong emotional reactions to PPT we don’t care much or at all about. The more we love or need someone or something the more easily we can be disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, aggravated… by it/them, because we want so much from them. This can trigger anger when they push our buttons

⚡️‘disappears’ in Spiritual &/or Mentally Healthy peopleangry spiritual woman
False: The capacity to feel anger (E = emotion) is built in to the brain, wired to react to danger by flooding us with chemicals that push us to protect ourself & our loved ones.
Smart people pay attention to what sets them off (T = mental evaluation)

Healthy people choose to express anger in constructive ways (A = actions). Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr…. felt & expressed their anger, but turned it into social reform that made the world a better place.  (Post: “Righteous anger”)

⚡️ is caused by other people
False: While others are responsible for what they do or say to us – our emotional reaction is on us (anger, fear, shock / amusement, pleasure, indifference….).
As adults – no one can make us ‘feel’. Our brain generates emotions & so we can choose how we think about an event, which can influence our emotions & how we act (T.E.A.)
EXP: we might choose to ignore ridicule, not feel hopeless when disappointed, not hurt when disrespected…. We don’t have to get mad!
ANGER
⚡️has to be ‘held in’ in order to control ourself 
False: First of all – what one needs to ‘control’ is behavior & thoughts – not emotions. The purpose of Anger Management training is not to make us sit on our anger, but to provide successful ways of dealing with it – which includes changing our abusive self-talk!

angry manFirst we have to learn to recognize when we’re angry (T), & have permission to feel it (E) without hurting ourselves or others. Then we can change our behavior (A)  (See post: “Passive anger“)

⚡️is stronger in men than women
False: Based on surveys, both genders have the same capacity & frequency (about once or twice a week), but men report more intense anger, & are more likely to act on it.
Girls/women tend to hold on to angry feelings longer. So the only real difference is how each expresses this emotion, which is based very much on socially conditioning.

NEXT: Anger Myths – FALSE (Part 2)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Powerless, Rebel, Retaliatory (#12)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

small red a.b.

I’LL GET YOU – if it’s the last thing I do!

PREVIOUS: Anger categories #11

SITE: “Violent Communication“ & child abuse…..

 

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️PASSIVE anger
When we avoid dealing with any situation that severely upsets us, we’re likely suppressing both the awareness & the expressions of anger.
The underlying belief is that “I must never make anyone else uncomfortable, disappointed or displeased…. but it’s perfectly acceptable if I am”
This shows up as being emotionally self-dishonest, anxious, helpless, invisible, manipulated :
💭 Passives (Victims) – we let others choose for us, are inhibited, self-denying, always on the losing end of win-lose, only accidentally or indirectly getting what we want

🔻The Passive’s assumption is that their self-denial will produce the result they deeply desire – by being totally inoffensive – everyone will approve of & want to be with them.
Sad IRONY
▫️ Their rights are continually violated, while everyone else achieves their goals – at the victim’s expense
▫️ Other people will eventually become frustrated with the Passive’s wishy-washy-ness, costing them respect & credibility, AND make others angry
▫️ They’re never fully trusted because no one can tell where they stand. Some people may feel guilt or superiority – for taking advantage of that weakness
SO
Passives’ constant disappointment generates a lot of anger, which has to stay hidden. However it can also show up, indirectly as being resentful, holding a grudge, spreading nasty rumors, turning a cold-shoulder……

▪️REBELLIOUS anger
Rebellion in teens is a ‘normal’ stage of development, not automatically an indictment of their parents’ personalities or way of life. The need is to separate & individuate (S & I) from the adults, in order to develop their own Identity. It does not have to be severe or destructive.

In relatively healthy families it most often shows up as contrariness – constant disagreements with parental mores & points of view. Anger at family restrictions is a way to form necessary boundaries.
If allowed to run it’s course, young people will eventually settle into a way of life that suits themself & may actually end up agreeing with the family in some basic respects.

rebellion• However, in dysfunctional/ abusive families, any disagreement is seen as a threat to the whole fabric of the system (see Family Mobile)
While one or more children will become the ‘good boy or girl”, at least one other may become the rebellious, angry ‘difficult’ one, taking on the Scapegoat Toxic Role. Such children may be continually punished, accused of disloyalty, &/or thrown out.  It makes sense this child will conclude that since “No one cares about me, everyone thinks I’m bad – I might as well be bad” !!

As adults – Rebellious anger is most often directed at any form of authority – being sullen & withdrawn or openly defiant, joining up with other unhappy peers, & show up in all kinds of anti-social behavior. It’s rage that’s projected onto others which we deny feeling about our family’s neglect incompetence, & many forms of abuse.

▪️RETALIATORY / revenge anger
This is another very dangerous type of anger – a primitive, destructive, violent response to a personal insult, injury or humiliation from others. It can surface as a direct response to someone else lashing out at us, but our intuitive ‘logic’ about wanting revenge is often twisted, conflicted & small-minded.

Sometimes the trigger is a real-world situation, other times it’s only a perceived wrong. Either way the intensity of our reaction will dependent on how much a current event reminds us of childhood hurts & disappointments.
Revenge-actions include being over-harsh, refusing to forgive & forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past….

Anger + Violence = REVENGE
👹 Using ‘Violent Communication‘ toward bullies / intimidators can easily make them switch to the Revenge cycle, so the punishment doled out to the ‘Enemy’ (you) continues to grow.

Anger in the form of Revenge only encourages the problem, perpetuating the cycle of violence. No matter how much we want justice or pay-back, the cycle always ends in one person being a Victim. It never leads to a resolution. (SITE: “R – will it make you feel better?“).

INTERESTING: Complete outline of Hamlet’s Revenges

NEXT: Anger categories #13

Anger – CATEGORIES : Passive, Paranoid, Pass-Agg (#11)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

sad baby a.b.NO MATTER HOW UPSETTING, I can’t seem to make anything better

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (Part 10)

SITE: “Righteous Indignation“


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️PARANOID anger
Paranoia can be identified on a continuum, FROM mild & occasional (“I bet she’s talking abut me”) TO severe & continual (“I know they’re watching me thru the tv”).
In the present, it’s the Paranoid’s irrational assumption that they’re somehow always in danger, but can’t quite put their finger on it, or prove it.
They are absolutely sure that others are out to get them, take what’s theirs, want to humiliate them socially, or attack them in some other way.

Paranoia comes from the experience of being in very real & continual danger growing up. As children they were double-binded, manipulated & controlled to the point of never being able to trust their own thoughts & emotions, much less anyone else’s.

As a result they’re always on guard, never relaxed. Their ability to process & evaluate situations correctly is flawed or non-existent, confusing their own motives & emotions with those of others. The fear/terror comes from a deep sense of insecurity & powerlessness, which generates a lot of anger.

Instead of admitting the rage, they project it out onto the world, believing everyone else is angry, so they can be too – without guilt. Their fury is disguised as self-protection.
They see their own anger reflected in the eyes & words of their friends, mates & co-workers, without realizing it’s a mirror. This leaves everyone confused.

▪️PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE anger
The “P-A ACoAs” posts give a full description. This category is also called:
Leaking – stockpiling resentments toward someone, & then talking about them behind their back with others who agree with us, gossiping, muttering under our breath, doing things we know upset the one we’re mad at…

Sneaky – never letting others know we’re angry, much less to what degree, but it shows up Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.19.57 PManyway, usually by withholding – in our actions, communication, emotions….. and then acting innocent & hurt, asking with a puzzled look, “Why are you getting mad at me?”

Underhanded – indirectly trying to get revenge for injustices to our ego by sabotaging the specific ‘enemy’ we’re angry at, rather than randomly abusing whoever is near by.
In this case we use little acts of ‘mild’ aggression, in what we think are socially acceptable ways – being late, making belittling side-comments, complaining to others about them, teasing, always discouraging someone’s ideas, plans, dreams….

▪️POWERLESS anger
There are very real situations in life which some of us have to deal with, where we are truly powerless.
EXP:  care-taking an elderly sick & forgetful parent, raising a disabled child, coping with a drug/alcohol addicted mate or older child, having a chronic illness……
It’s exhausting, wearing down our patience, so it’s easy to get frustrated, irritated & then angry. This is normal, & needs to be addressed – by getting regular support & relief time.

• However, some of us no longer live in hurtful / dangerous circumstances, yet act as if we’re still victims – as we once were in childhood. We get angry whenever we can’t get what we want or expect.
We react to everyday frustrations as if they’re meant specifically for us – when they’re actually not. We assume childhood powerlessness is a permanent state, not deserving anything else (learned helplessness). So as adults we don’t have internal permission to get our needs met legitimately. (MORE….)
powerless
⚡️ This causes us to only focus on others outside ourselves to provide everything we need or want, & then get angry when that doesn’t happen. We don’t know or refuse to admit we are responsible for our own self-care

😪 On the other hand many people are still genuinely trapped in situations they can’t get out of for various reasons – children in abusive homes, sex slaves, battered wives, prisoners, war refugees, living in poverty. (Image ↗️).
A total sense of powerlessness always generates impotent anger, even fury. But without any options, eventually depression & then hopelessness often takes over.

NEXT: Anger categories (Part 12)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Hating, Judging, Low-level (#9)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

pink a.b.WHAT YOU LOOK’N AT? you look’n at me?

PREVIOUS: A. Categories (#8)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SITE: Depression & Anger


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️HATING anger
This is the cold fire that started as accumulated anger toward someone or something which the hater feels is totally evil & totally undeserving of compassion or forgiveness.
They still see themself as an innocent victim. Yes, there may have been a time when they were – but may not be any more. Their rage has never been processed & resolved, & in the form of obsessive resentments, it can go on forever. They vow to despise the offenders, often thinking about ways to punish them, & sometimes they do.Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.00.17 PM

If these ragers can’t get back at the original perpetrator(s), they find other opportunities in life to vent their bitterness. They create a universe of enemies to fight, attacking with great vigor & enthusiasm.
However, this hatred causes themself serious damage over time – just as much as harming others. Haters can’t let go or get on with life. They become hard & miserable, stuck in a narrow, rigid existence.

▪️JUDGMENTAL anger
Being judgmental of others is a way of saying that WHO someone is – is bad, instead of evaluating their behavior as good or bad OR as not suited to oneself
Being constantly judgmental indicates being closed minded, with a lack of respect, empathy & good manners ‘Judgy’ people find fault with almost everything & everyone, from the government to the color of a car.
Actually, they’re angry & resentful about their own life, which they project out onto the world.
Instead of correcting problems of their own, hurting others is used as a way of making themself feel better, by directing critical, shaming or scathing comments at the object of their anger, or at any available substitute.

🔺 Being judgmental is very different from making good judgments—> which is realistically evaluating the merits of something (safe/ unsafe, positive/ negative, healthy/ unhealthy) in general, or as applied to our specific needs (the appropriate person to date, healthiest foods, best way to spend our money…..)

▪️LOW-LEVEL anger can be:
bottled rage√ mild, when a situation is annoying but not serious, often suppressed, OR
√ strong but hidden anger, & may be disguised as nonchalance. This is harder to spot in someone, but can be hinted at by their impatience or exasperation over the smallest thing (a fly buzzing, a person wearing something unattractive, a loud commercial….), especially if it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else.

It also can be expressed as being argumentative, easily frustrated & cranky. A way to tell if someone you know is an angry low-level-er, is to ask  : “Is there any family member  / frond / mate….. whose constant irritability affects your ability to have a good relationship with them?”  If Yes, then they probably have this indirect style of anger.

INTERESTING contrast – Much of our psychological ‘wisdom’ tells us that it’s bad to express too much anger, but this is not true in every culture.
EXP: Young people out drinking on a Friday night —
🇬🇧 in England, hospital ERs are full by midnight with fight injuries. Whereas,
🇧🇮 in Basque cities (northern Spain) you’ll see a group of people in a bar arguing so vigorously it seems inevitable that a fight will break out – but it rarely does. Low-level anger is not just expressed, it’s almost exaggerated, so that the full-blown variety is usually not needed

Whatever the nationality, alcohol loosens inhibitions, so the most likely explanation for the difference is that the Basques bottle their anger up less, while the Brits need the bottle to let it out. (from ‘The Guardian’)

🇵🇷 In the USA – there’s an epidemic of low-level-continuous-anger.
One way it shows up is in “the ambient misanthropy of snarkiness – the snide, bitchy, cynical, catty, sarcastic, irascible remarks or quips at the expense of other people. They’re not actually witty – like Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, Mae West – but rather snotty remarks, poking fun in a hurtful, superior way. ‘Snarky’ is intended as brutally-blunt irony, often delivered in an abrupt manner to stun.” (MORE…..)

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 9)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Envy, Frustration, Habitual (#8)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

yellow a.b.I JUST CAN’T HANDLE
all the stuff I have to deal with!

PREVIOUS: A. Categories (#6)

SITE: “What Your Anger May Be Hiding”
(scroll to: “Anger as a ‘Safe’ Way to attach….)


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️ENVY / JEALOUSY anger
Both come from a feeling of being powerless to get what WE want /need, but do not have the right or ability to achieve.

Envy is between 2 people :
“I want what you have, which I never had (a loving family, a healthy body, the right to be who you are, good looks, an education….). OR
I may or may not want exactly what you have, but I’m not allowed to have what’s right for me ” (ACoA powerlessness ).
SITE re. the differences – also re. God

Jealousy is between 3 or more people :jealous heart
▫️ I want who or what you have, which I never had or can’t get (lots of friends, a wonderful mate, a great boss…..) AND don’t believe I ever will
OR
▫️I’am terrified of losing of something I have or thought I had (love of my mate, connection to my children, full attention from a parent…..), because sooner or later they’ll want someone else – instead of me
EXP: Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” – from her real experience

▪️FRUSTRATION anger
Frustration is the emotion we feel whenever we’re blocked from reaching a desired outcome – anywhere from the minor irritations of losing something to the major aggravation of a long-term inability to reach an important goal.
It’s often experienced when a result doesn’t match all the effort we put in to achieving something, or our work produces fewer, weaker results than we think it should have.

If the frustration goes on too long or is too great, is can make us irritable, resentful & angry. The more important the goal, the greater the frustration, resulting in anger & loss of confidence.
▫️ At worst – one can spiral downward into depression & resignation
▫️ At ‘best’, frustration can be a used to identify AND correct a problem that needs to be Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.06.30 PMcorrected or changed

• Internal sources can come from real personal damage OR imagined deficiencies (S-H) which prevent us from getting what we want. This can lead to turning the anger against ourself, criticizing ourself for lack of knowledge, planning, preparation, perseverance……

▫️We can stay in a frustrating situation from a mistaken belief that making life easier is a weakness, a loss of control
▫️Frustration can come from having competing goals that interfere with one another (internal DBs), even when both are positive (Child wishes vs Adult needs....).

• External causes involve conditions outside ourself coming from other people or situations that get in our way. Deliberately frustrating others is an act of control, for power & status. When we are refused permission, our actions blocked or resources withdrawn – we feel angry, but it’s not always wise or safe to show it. Somethings we can get around or modify the obstacle, but others are inescapable (Serenity Prayer)
EXP: MINOR: traffic, waiting in line, put ‘on hold’, something’s sold out, crying baby on airplane…..
MAJOR: Gov’t or legal regulations, politics & bureaucracy at work, long-term / chronic illness, permanent disability, all forms of prejudice….

▪️HABITUAL Anger  (“Anger – Ways to React” #2, Chronic)
These people have the habit of always being angry, which they think makes life predictable. They’re convinced they always know what’s ‘real, so they believe that even though life may be lousy it has a shape – their anger making it ‘safe’ & stable.
The down side – their porcupine exterior insures they can’t get close to anyone – to show love to others or let themselves be loved

Trapped in a vicious loop, they start out being angry about something that made them unhappy – probably legitimate. It then morphs into a whole way of life, a vicious cycle where —> they’re angry about being unhappy & unsuccessful, which makes them angry, which keeps them unhappy…..!!

EXP: Like the stereotype mean old man who’s always cranky.  It’s his go-to response, especially when he doesn’t understand something & doesn’t want to seem stupid or out of date. And he may have given up trying to figure the world out, “too old” to learn technology or ‘get’ the younger generation…. so he can never be peaceful!

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 8)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Disappointed, Displaced (#7)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

reddish a.b.IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!
that I can’t do whatever I want!

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (Part 5)



OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️DISAPPOINTMENT anger
REALISTIC: This comes up when things are out of our control, such as when:disappointed girl
• a promise made to us is broken (we don’t get the raise)
• a hope is dashed (rain on the day we planned a picnic)
• there’s endless delay in reaching an important goal or need
• when something we looked forward to turns out not to be as good, attractive or satisfactory as expected…..

If things like these happen too often, from people or situations we depend on, we can become very depressed &/or angry. As children – many of us were stuck with continually disappointing parents, so we’re more sensitive to even slight losses now. Unfortunately, ACoAs with this background tend to find & stay with PPT which repeat this patterns, instead of walking away & looking for more reliable options

UNREALISTIC: This anger comes from an unmet expectation or wish:
√ which was verbalized but not agreed to (person A says WE are going to DO or not do something, but person/group B is silent, which leads A to assume they agree, when B actually doesn’t. So they don’t do what A expected or it’s sabotaged in some way

√ which was never verbalized & therefore not agreed to  EXP: Maria pictures & plans for a romantic event, assuming that Juan will fulfill the fantasy – without having any idea what she’s hoping for! So he doesn’t do anything, because he’s not normally romantic, & legitimately not a mind-reader. That makes her very angry – at him – instead of taking responsibility for not asking

PRESUMING : Unrealistic disappointment-anger can come from making judgments or assuming rules about how things should be done or not done, that are not met by a specific person or group we’re involved in. Judgments come —Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.59.49 PM
√ from a sense of moral superiority, as if we know what’s best for someone else (“No daughter of mine will even marry a ___ / Of course you’ll be better off going to that ___ / Our family only votes ____”)

√ from a need follow “the Rules”, by controlling our environment so we can feel safer (“Al-Anon meetings should always be helpful / the speaker should stick to the topic / the chairs should be in a circle ….”).
Either way, it causes trouble for everyone.

▪️DISPLACED anger
UNHEALTHY: In the classic victimizer-victim “kick-the-dog” cycle, we take out anger we have toward one person/situation ON TO a weaker or easier target that happens to be available, so that an innocent person or animal gets hurt.
The substitute-target will have no idea why they’re being picked on / yelled at / punished….. just left dazed, confused & hurt. They bear the brunt of someone’s displaced anger, as a scapegoat, & their relationship with the perpetrator will be damaged, specially if it’s often repeated

This type of anger may not always be overtly aimed at a specific PPT, but can show up as anxiety, being uncooperative, crankiness, depression, isolation, prejudice……
We react this way when we don’t admit we’re actually angry, since :
√ we’re not internally allowed to recognize what hurts us (whatever made us angry)
√ we still think we’re powerless to change a bad situation
√ we’re too afraid to assert ourselves to the person we’re angry at
√ the object of our anger is realistically too dangerous to confront

Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.07.07 PMHEALTHIER: When we genuinely can not change a situation we’re in that leaves us frustrated, drained & angry – but we choose to stay in it or can not alter (caring for a sick & dying parent, needing the survival job, a chronic injury or illness…..).

‘Blocked” anger-energy can be redirected  :
• vent it privately, in a safe way (pound, draw, write…..)
• break objects we don’t need (tin cans, old newspapers….)
• strenuous exercise / using a punching bag….
• re-channel the anger-energy into productive activity (something artistic, sports, helping the under-privileged….), where we can feel successful & effective.

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 7)