alcoholism

EnneaTypes – LANGUAGE – INTRO (Part 3)

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LANGUAGE CONNECTS
all aspects of human beings

PREVIOUS: Intro – #2

SITE: Unlocking the Secrets of Sacred Geometry : Understanding the Meaning & Benefits of Mystical Symbols

BOOK: “Sacred Number & the Origins of Civilization” ~ Richard Heath

QUOTE: ‘Your Enneagram number is not for mere self- categorization, but for your enlightenment, to help you recognize your addictive patterns of seeing & thinking’ ~ Richard Rohr, Christian viewpoint (posts 11/22)


THE WHEEL = States of Consciousness
◆ The basic components of the Thinking Mind (in Part 1) can be reduced to 3 space-like realms + 4 time-like functions of language
= the 12 basic areas of the mind-map called ‘The Wheel’ – which is the basic gestalt of our mind, a valid outline of Reality.

◆ The Language Wheel, in some form, can be found in all anthropology studies of the world, which makes it a philosophy of tolerance – clearly showing us the common denominators underlying all social & religious traditions, based on conscious experiences & underlying mathematical criteria.

The Wheel can help make sense of the world (chart below), & clarify the path of growth.
📌 Its information can be used as a tool to find a deeper connection to ourselves so we can follow our life path

📌 It can show the connection between Science & Religion, our left & right brain sides, putting us in tune with history, & helping us think & act globally.
📌  It’s a weapon to open the gate to inspiration for anyone willing to divest themself of the false “I.” Anything not tested by the Wheel has no permanence.
EXP: The weapons of the Wheel will, unnoticed, smash false seriousness with a joke.

NOTE
🔸TIME terms are at points 9,6 3.
🔹 SPACE terms at 1,2,4,5,7,8 – (conjunction, noun, preposition, adjective, pronoun, adverb), which are complements so can be added together at will.

The FOUR (time) FUNCTIONS with Brain Parts
☀︎ FEELING is right brain = metabolism.
Emotions (fun, joy, love, passion, humor…), moods, drives, imagination, impulses, dreams, force, power, strength
☀︎ SENSING is left brain = 5 senses, sex, excretion. Direct, immediate & waking consciousness, sense-data. Unprocessed information intake
☀︎ THINKING is hind brain = breathing.
Language – both analytical & analogical. Reasoning, deliberate, to conceive, connect, enumerate, reflect.
☀︎ WILLING is fore-brain = deep sleep, yes-no, on-off.
Attention, action of all kinds, to carry out, control, determine, order, work.

The THREE (space) REALMS of Ennea-Numbers
• BODY – brain stem, cerebellum, reptilian brain.
Mass, particle, physical, solid, space. Conditioned learning

❤️ Assertions (Affirm) = Body Willing
#2 Noun = Body Sensing
#7 Pronoun = Body Feeling
#9 Verbal Forms = Body Thinking

• SOUL – the middle link between Body & Spirit : Bio-plasma, limbic system, mammalian brain. Being, instincts, people, psyche, vital force.
Ego-self, social entity

💙 Verbal commands (Lead) = Soul Willing
#8 Adverb = Soul Sensing
#4 Preposition = Soul Feeling
#6 Person = Soul Thinking

• SPIRIT (mind) – Neo-cortex.
The Animating vital principal, sentient part of a being, space-time continuum, incorporeal
Abstract, intellect, ideas, ideal, gestalt, quality, meaning

💛 Questions (Inspire) = Spirit Willing
#5 Adjective = Spirit Sensing
#1 Conjunction = Spirit Feeling
#3 Verb = Spirit Thinking

⏬️ Grammar & Consciousness 
This chart is the archetypal symbol that combines language, Functions & Realms, separating software (language, science, religion) from hardware (structure of our mind).

Its basic components are deduced from the Mandelbrot vector 0 -> : Z -> Z + C, with 1 -> 9 as the fractal scaling. (EXP : image at page top ⬆️ )
This simple formula, discovered in 1962, identifies the structure for all complex geometric forms existing in nature.

◀️ The circle connects Universal Wisdom with the 9 points of the Enneagram, wisdom being the ability to live well in a chaotic world, & requires ‘inside information’ about how things really work.

The12 fields of civilization combine with the Language Wheel to naturally follow the forms of language, consciousness & personality.  As the reflection of reality, consciousness “moulds” the forms & dictates the laws of its existence, in the form of speech. Consciousness is always verbally expressed : if there is no language there can be no consciousness. They are two aspects of an integral process.

The combination suggests that human creativity can use language & life experiences to transform the ‘animal-human body from physical into spiritual. We can tune into & integrate the various aspects of our personality to develop our abilities, using Self-ego as a tool “ (More….)
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NEXT: Language Intro – #4

EnneaTypes – LANGUAGE – INTRO (Part 2)

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Screen Shot 2015-05-18 at 12.17.29 AMI CAN TELL YOUR TYPE
by the language you use

PREVIOUS: Language Intro – #1

 

GRAMMAR has two overlapping meanings:
1. It’s everything about how a language works, including syntax as a subset (correct order of words in sentences in order to make complete sense)
2. How words are inflected, conjugated & declined – according to aspect, degree, gender, mood, number, person, tense (11 Rules of Grammar)

Using CHART ⬇️  : for dialogue to go smoothly & with co-operation, speakers need to include listed below :
✔︎ one of the 3 verbs
✔︎ two of the 6 verbal persons (gender, person)
✔︎ three of the 9 verbal forms (time, mode, voice).
” That morning (t) the young man (g, p) drove (v) his new car to work.”

⛔️ If one of these categories is excluded when talking, or we leave out a category as part of the information that’s needed to make sense – then we destroy dialogue & create dispute.

◆ Here we’re given the Parts of Speech as a tool for growth. Included are key words of each grammatical form, which are related to the Thinking (level 2) function of T.E.A..
Each position is a numerical Fractal (having the property of self-similarity), considered the hidden order of Universal Truth. They are seen as similar but not identical concepts, the repetition of a basic subject applied to different areas of knowledge.

Ennea MEANING & USE of Grammar components:
1. Conjunction – a synthesis for unification & healing. Represents both Inclusion (‘and,  so‘) & Exclusion (‘or, but‘)
USE :  to make connections, tying words or ideas together.

2. Noun – basic drive for creativity & production, to achieve physical realization of ideas.
USE : (singular, plural, name, concept) allowing us to make generalizations from the particular “Not all groups are cohesive”

3. Verb – is about understanding, in relation to abstract concepts.
USE : represents awareness of things happening in time, a dynamic process of past, present & future
“She leapt into the pool”

4. Preposition – symbolizes imagination, the need to fantasize & dream.   USE : the mental/internal image of the personal relationship between oneself & other people, things or ideas
“The child ran way from his father”

5. Adjective – is about analysis, to distinguish one idea from another.
USE : precisely describes or qualifies the noun. This relates to & allows for refinement of understanding
“His loud laugh was annoying.”

6. Verbal Persons – stands for the drive to communicate, to explain, to relate to & with other people, to improve Self & others.
USE : (the subject) is the ability to make statements, by personalizing a time event or action  “The meal has been eaten”

7. Pronoun – pertains to initiative, to fight & to start something new.  USE : places nouns in relationship, establishing & modifying them “She was always late”

8. Adverb – is about organization, responsibility & duty; to assume responsibility for some social situation or group, problem or opportunity, & to organize or direct it until conclusion.
USE : modifies the verb, explains it through 8 questions that show its circumstances (where, when, how….) “He’s not very tall”

9. Verbal Forms – regards the impulse to actualize, engineer, invent, orchestrate, based on knowing what’s possible.
USE : place an action in perspective, like a plan (active, indicative, subjunctive) (MORE…. scroll way down)
“We are going home”
(Technical parts of each… scroll down to ‘Quality’)

NOTE: The number positions in this chart ⏫️ are in reverse order, to correctly align with ancient Number systems which reflect the dynamics of the Earth’s counter-clockwise daily rotation on its axis – if North is considered the ‘top’ or vantage point, which it usually is. Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 11.51.27 PM

However, the Enneagram follows a tradition based on the invention of clocks (which occurred in the Northern hemisphere), copying the sun’s clock-wise shadow on sundials. We see the sun that way in relation to Earth’s anti-clockwise rotation – if we were looking down at the North Pole from space.  (More…. slide #4)

Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 11.48.56 PM◆ Our personal number system is a description of the creative process – played out in cycles of day, year & precession of the equinoxes.
Looking from above at a galaxy or hurricane’s counter-clockwise swirl, we can superimpose the #6.

The form of the 6 also describes looping backwards on ourselves – the limitations of our mental consciousness, which effects our creativity.
See: Spiral Dynamics, Sept 2009

NEXT: Language Intro – #3

EnneaTypes – LANGUAGE – INTRO (Part 1)

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PREVIOUS: Enneagram Humor (Part 6)

 

BEFORE listing the characteristic language style of each Ennea-type, it may be helpful to consider Language in the larger scheme of physical/spiritual reality. As we know, most people function from a ‘False Self’ imposed on us by parents, friends, job & society. This mask has little to do with innate capacities, & blocks personal energy, making us internally weak.

👀 ‘Waking up’ (personal growth) comes from self-awareness – observing the False Self in action, then developing our compassionate & non-critical Inner Observer, which connects us to our Core.

The goal is to gradually outgrow or minimize our specific defensive pattern – as well as any minor ones – to become a more well-rounded, whole person. Then we can use the energy & qualities of whichever of the 9 types is needed in the moment, while letting our True Self shine thru.

Word Power affects our role in society, so a limited vocabulary can limit potential opportunities. Learning about & using the concepts inherent in grammar, with their connection to Number, makes it easier to make Sense for ourselves (see Part 1). Behind-the-scenes knowledge can help us grow & prosper so we can make better choices in a world full of confusion & risks.

Language : a union of Sacred & Secular
TRUE Communication is based on Eternal Principles with its own set of laws, This is shared among intelligent beings, via the ADAMic ‘original’ language spoken with God in the Garden, a physical mechanism used by our soul’s spirit to express original thought, ie. the Essence of the Eternal.

This chart presents Language as both Divine & mundane attributes of Human Character. It also defines the circulation of light, growth of plants, the development of society & human conduct…. Communication is much more than a mechanical activity via sound waves, or the connection between two or more people, no matter how deep or productive.
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◆ Communication includes
a. Speaker and b. Listener AND c. ‘Common thinking / understanding’ of both people / groups, which represents Consciousness, seen at the base of the Enneagram’s 9-3-6 triangle.

√ Without Consciousness, thoughts expressed in language would not be possible
√ With it, we have human understanding & the spiritual benefit of two-way communing with the Divine.

Using the concepts in the above chart allows us to analyze & improve the process of “truly conscious communication”. It reminds us to pay attention to what we think about & say, so we can be better understood – to ourself & by anyone willing to listen.

◆ The structure of all languages is naturally shaped by the basic form of the physical brain – which molds speech.
In turn, speech shapes the basic patterns of our mind, forming the way we make sense of the world.
A unifying feature of language is the child’s process of learning to speak.

Mastery of all languages develops in seven stages, using system & method:
1 – Sensing = Affective gestures
2 – Thinking = Exploring acoustic potential
3 – Feeling = Brain lateralization
4 – Willing  = Grammar
5 – Body = Word power
6 – Soul = Communication
7 – Spirit = Poetry (Each explained )

 👄 Coherent language (point 4), formed through grammar, represents a higher order of thinking. The “Grammar of Man” – the structural common denominator of language – unites the thousands of spoken languages on our planet, allowing for translation.

◆ The Enneagram’s 9 categories of grammar (in Part 3) are based on Sacred Number. In ancient Greece, Pythagoras discovered that the concept of “Universal Number” leads to structure, & the structure of the mind is also the structure of the world.

In essence, all is Number & therefore the key to wisdom – the ability to live well in a chaotic world – by having internal / intuitive information about how things really work.
(See “The CODE” , with Marcus du Sautoy, math prof – re. how significant numbers appear all over the world, governing all life. 2011, Netflix)

◆ The relationship between Number & Grammar (in Part 2) is the bridge between esoteric & exoteric knowledge, which indicates that Quantity & Number = Quality & Meaning, which then can lead us:

✑ from beyond Meaning (external source), when life’s meaning (always subjective) comes from a pre-existing order or plan, imposed from the outside (God)
↘︎  ↘︎
✑ into Sense (internal source) – where we’re able to make sense of our own life. We decide the substance of it, limited only by math & grammar (Objective Truth), & then determine whether it makes sense – to us. (MORE….)

NEXT: Language INTRO Part 2

Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY (Part 2)

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PREVIOUS: Recovery #1

HELP: Free Relaxation scripts
NLP “Anchoring” to overcome Commitment phobia

QUOTE: “It is character that gets us out of bed, commitment that moves us to action, & discipline that enables us to follow through.” Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker & author


COMMITMENT to something / someone is one of life’s most empowering (& liberating) experiences. It’s how we achieve, how we grow, how we learn, how we love. Commitment is driven by a passion to a person or thing. If there’s a solid & compelling enough reason for WHY we want something, we CAN find a HOW to achieve that goal.

IRONY: It’s both a freedom & a binding – but only to what we want or need. It’s one of the most worthwhile ways to use personal choice – to ‘tie’ ourself to a person, place or thing (PPT) – for some period of time – that we work towards, have or love. Yes, commitment is love. It’s the freedom to invent our own life, by expressing True Self.

4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (Point #3, Parts 3a & b)

 ♥️ COUNTERING F of POSITIVES, embracing:
a. Self-care – BY gathering & applying the knowledge of how to do it, & the help to stay on track

b. Loved – BY learning that love is available – from yourself & from people who are already capable. Also, love is not being taken care of someone else – totally. It can come is small doses, in unsuspected ways, & by a variety of PPT

c. Power – BY understanding  that each of us is given the right at birth to express yourself to the fullest, to benefit Self & so to benefit the world with your specific talents

d. Visibility – BY trying out small ways of being seen – by the right people, taking in compliments & encouragement, then expressing more & more of your True Self

e. Receiving – BY believing that you’re not supposed to be able to do everything yourself. You have a right to get help, & most people like being helpful (except our family)

f. Success – BY accepting that you have a right to accomplish your dreams, especially any related to your personal gifts. It’s very important to also surround yourself with others who are successful in their fields

g. Peacefulness – BY learning to feel the difference between the numbness of being emotionally shut down vs. the inner quiet of being anxiety-free & comfortable in your skin. This is not supposed to be all the time, just more often than not.

h. Higher Power – BY separating your understanding of God / Higher Power from the terrible, terrifying experiences with your damaged family – remembering that “God is not an alcoholic parent!”

“Success Habits” comes from Life Change 90, a program of daily activities designed to instill Success Habits that help us work toward a more fulfilled life. Once the resistance to doing them diminishes, they can be done quickly & in small steps – so  it doesn’t have to take up a lot of time.
They represent an outline for committing to oneself, the first stage in committing to others in a safe way. To achieve our goals, along with passion, we need to ‘work smart’ by developing a practical plan, & finding appropriate & supportive environments to work in, as we dream  – while taking adult actions.

STAY AWAKE  : over-viewong every day’s actions
• Be clear what your main goal is, consciously making it a prioritydaily
• Have specific daily goals & plans, with steps to achieve each one
• Develop strategies to solve short-term issues, & long-term ones that won’t go away
• Notice : Over-all mental state + Emotions, with mood shifts
• Keep track of finances & spending habits
• Be Grateful for what you DO have (grace) , & for the bad things you DON’T have (mercy)
• Review events at the end of each day (10th Step), to see how you’ve benefited, what you’ve gained, & what you’ve learned

Healthy commitment is a form of visibility
To ACoAs, being visible means risking abandonment, failure, jealousy & rejection.
BUT when we accept all parts of ourself without harsh judgment, choose well, have good boundaries, know our rights & trust ourselves – we can go for the gold!

NEXT: EnneaTypes – Language #1

Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY (Part 1)

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don't sufferONCE I FIGURE OUT MY PASSION
I’ll commit to it whole-heatedly

PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6

SITE: FoC Workbook: How To Overcome Fear Of Commitment

2. RE-ENACTING  FoC (a-j)
3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment 

4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (See Point #2, Parts 2a-d)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion.

Of course, many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. We can’t feel truly saloving parentfe until we consistently care about ourself, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.

• All our anxiety is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of stuck in an unhappy past.

OUTGROW FEAR of:
a. Abandonment – BY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by ‘getting it’ in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!

b. Compromises – BY understanding & accepting that bending a little when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
c. Leaving Family – BY forming alliances with a variety of people & groups that are working towards : mental health, spiritual growth, social
progress, sharing a passion & having fun

d. Losing Control – BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so your Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PigP or WIC. Then others cannot control you!

e. Mistakes – BY understanding that all humans make mistakes sometimes, & that mistakes are how we learn

f. Responsibility – BY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what it’s NOT. Each adult is responsible for themself, if possible & to your best ability. You are not your Higher Power

g. S & I – BY developing your UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family

h.Trapped – BY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with, or when it’s time to leave

i. Truth – BY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses

j. Vulnerable – BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls

SUGGESTION –  using a tool of NLP
a. Choose a phrase about commitment with the strongest FEAR attached to it for you. Use our own words.
EXP: Relationships mean too much responsibility.

• See the sentence out in front of you, in the air or on a blackboard – so it’s outside of your brain
• Then, say each word with one breath between them. Then again with 2 breaths, then 3, then 4 then 5. Stop.

b. Reverse: choose an opposite phase you want to grow into – using your own words. EXP: “Relationships bring me peace, joy & love”.
Then say it with the same breath sequence as above, 1-5 between each word.
Rinse, lather & REPEAT each day, for a month. Notice & record any changes & improvements in your thinking &/or emotions

⚪️  Then pick another phrase & do the same. EXP:
✦ “Being Committed to another means being trapped” —-> “Being Committed to myself means I’m free to choose others”
✦ “Trusting any human Higher Power means disappointment or obliteration” (see Part 2) —-> “Trusting THE H.P. means permanent safety & support”

c. Picture the near Future You with the new belief – as you’ll be in a year from now. Give it a name like “Safer Me” / “More Trusting ME” / “More Relaxed ME”……
• Visualize every aspect of that Future You – where you’re living, the friends, great job/career, income…. & challenges you’ve successfully overcome

• See Future You as your mentor & ask what are the best choices to make now to get there
• ARRIVING: When you find yourself living in the new belief, remember to send love & encouragement to the past you. This will bridge time & space, further reinforcing the effectiveness of this exercise.

NEXT: FoC – Recovery, Part 2

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 6b)

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too much loveALL THAT ATTENTION makes my head hurt!

PREVIOUS: FoC #6a

SITE: “How to Cure Commitment Phobia” – NLP ‘secrets’


3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment (cont)
Some POSITIVE things that interfere with our willingness to Commit :
a. Fear of self-care / b. F of being treated well & loved / c. F of our Power

d. F of Visibility. To the WIC, C. to anything means everyone can see us, in all our imperfections & ‘badness’.
If we combine Fears OF : Abandonment + Compromise + Losing Control + Making mistakes + Responsibility, we end up with a deep terror of being fully visible.
It would mean exposing ourself to the whole world as undeserving frauds, as “Who do you think you are?” echoes in our head. The assumption is that everyone else is also like our family, who will punish us for daring to have an identity different from theirs.

e. F of Receiving – To the WIC, C. to others means making oneself vulnerable.
• Receiving exposes us to good things we never had before, which opens the floodgates of need & longing, which will drown us!
We’re hungry for recognition & nourishment, but are forbidden. Our injunction against Receiving is bone deep, especially for the Hero & Lost Child.
TOXIC Rules include:
“Do everything yourself / I’m not important or valuable / I have no rights / No one actually sees me….”.
To ACoAs, Receiving IS: > breaking family rules, > being weak & needy, > selfish & greedy, especially when others are suffering, > getting something I don’t deserve, > arrogant, presumptuous….

2 broad categories given to
🔸 Receiving something because we actually asked. Being direct about what we need is not only forbidden by the PigP, but the WIC also believes that: 👎🏽 If we have to ask, then getting it doesn’t count!

But asking is appropriate. Even infants who can’t talk let feelings be known, while being totally dependent on adults to know & respond to their needs.
Instead, most of us had narcissistic, unavailable & weak parents who were not attuned.  So we’re still stuck back there, in the emotional infant-toddler stage, waiting, waiting…..
This passivity is not appropriate for adults. It is our responsibility to know what we need & then ask for whatever we can’t supply for ourself.

surprise gift🔸 Receiving something without asking, from someone generously offering time, attention, gifts….. because they want to! Naturally, with our background of abuse & deprivation, the WIC doesn’t believe anyone would give us something ‘just because’. Since we feel unworthy, everyone must have an ulterior motive, & it’s up to us to figure out what they want.

f. F of Success – To the WIC, C. to achieving our deepest goals means the sure loss of a connection to our family. (See Point c. in #3a). This refers to fulfilling our heart’s desire – what we were born to do. But even if we’ve managed to follow the Right Path, we’re more likely to keep from being as successful as we’re capable of – so we “Don’t get too big for your britches”! Full success would mean disobeying a basic Toxic Rule that “You always have to struggle, but never get there” !

g. F of Peacefulness. To the WIC, C. to anything good means being bored to tears. ACoAs are adrenaline junkies, ‘addicted to negative excitement’ (Ennea-type 7), always creating or inviting situations that make life more complicated & stressful.
This can include those of us who are isolated & withdrawn, whose form of excitement is mainly internal – the mental ‘spinning’ of obsessive self-hate & worry. Both types create unnecessary drama, re-enacting how our parents functioned + the chaos they created. Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 8.55.38 PM

• To be calm, quiet, peaceful makes no sense to ACoAs & make us anxious! 🧐  Without constant ‘agida‘ we feel empty, which we call boredom, but is actually the result of being emotionally numb.

Getting used to inner Serenity takes time, with persistent love & patience. Whether the unconscious compulsion to be a ’drama queen /king’ is blatant or camouflaged, it’s up to us to replace it with a saner way of life.

h. F of Higher Power (God, Spirit, the “Universe”….). To the WIC C. to any form of ‘power grater than ourselves’ is guaranteed obliteration (death of Self). ACoAs are ‘afraid of authority figures” (Laundry List). John Bradshaw pointed out that children transfer their experiences with parents (the original ‘gods’) to their concept of the true Higher Power. If they were dangerous – then obviously so must God be. Not!

NEXT: Recovering from FoC #1

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 6a)

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dating DATING IS HARD WORK!
I always have to be ‘on’

PREVIOUS: FoC – #5


2. RE-ENACTING (a-j)

3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment
There are also POSITIVE things that interfere with our willingness to Commit, such as :
a. Fear of self-care – To the WIC, C. to ourselves means having to give up the fantasy that someone will come along & rescue us.
12-Step Programs remind us that to truly progress, we need to put our Recovery first, before all else – particularly true for newcomers.

♥️ Commitment to ourself:
• requires the guts to go against all our early training, managing the resulting guilt & backlash
• means re-defining terms like ‘selfish, normal, fair, family, love’….
• means talking to the WIC every day, Meetings, 2-handed writing, books, therapy…. as much as possible.
Once our Inner Child trusts that we’ll consistently show up for it, making a commitment to others won’t be so scary
self-care
➼ If you’re in Integrity – true to Deepest Self – & are accused of Selfishness, it simply means you’re not doing what the other person wants.
Don’t let someone guilt you into betraying your values, observations & beliefs. You can comply with their wishes if it suits you, but not from FoA

b. F of being treated well & loved. To the WIC, C. to anything or anyone positive, means having to feel the contrast between the suffering our family (& others) put us thru – against – now being seen & heard for who we are, treated with kindness & respect. We start to understand what could have been, in a saner family. Painful & enraging.

• BUT we don’t want to be disloyal to our parents, afraid to hurt them. After all, they said/say they love us, right? How can we admit otherwise?Yet many of us actually believe that wanting to be loved is a character defect!  Infer all, if they couldn’t – how dare we still want something we have no right to?!

But being loved is a fundamental & universal human need, which we had very little of when we needed it the most! So now we’re attracted to & stay with PPT that are either blatantly bad for us, not actually bad but unsuited to our True Self, or which only partly meet our needs. Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 7.21.10 PM

• We’re afraid to  grow up, afraid to be ‘vulnerable’.
Being treated with consideration, patience, admiration, encouragement…. forces us to FEEL the abandonment we grew up with – how much we missed out on, & to think: “I could have had a V-8!” – which means : “I didn’t cause the pain I grew up in. With healthier parents I would have been safe & loved!” 😢

c. F of our Power – To the WIC, C. to our own strength means eclipsing family members, so in some way destroys them. 
🔥 Any sign of ‘stepping into our power’, being smart, knowing our rights & being able to shine was considered arrogant, presumptuous, even sinful.  Beside all the verbal & physical abuse for just being a normal kid, many of us got smacked down badly if we ever let some of our natural strength out.

😡 The other down side of showing competence & strength as a kid was that one of more of the damaged adults used it – like a nightmare octopus – to feed off of us! (Post: “Personal Power”)invisible

So, between being abused and used – we had to hide most of who we truly were, & adapt to what would get us through.
Expressing our strengths as a kid would actually have meant being :
– a disruptive threat to the whole dysfunctional system
– a signal they might no longer be able to ‘mess’ with us
– an attempt to disengage the symbiosis, triggering THEIR FoA
– highlighting the adults’ weaknesses & limitations
– usurping the narcissists’ limelight

That left us invisible to ourself – not knowing what we’re inherently capable of, unable to commit or connect in a genuine way. And our co-dependence tells us that if we outshine others, we’ll be bad for making them feel bad about themselves. Then they won’t like us, plus we’re terrified of their envy-backlash.

🌀 And, now – If we do get an inkling of our healthy power, so foreign & undeserved, it can set off panic – at first . To let others actually SEE us feels life-and-death dangerous. But as we continue to inhabit our natural skin, we become more & more comfortable.

NOTE – Unhealthy responses from others & our resulting terror ONLY happens when dealing with very wounded / abusive people!

NEXT: FoC – #3a

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

PREVIOUS: FoC #4

QUOTE: “If you don’t make a total commitment to whatever you’re doing, then you start looking to bail out the first time the boat starts leaking. It’s tough enough getting that boat to shore with everybody rowing, let alone when a guy stands up & starts putting his life jacket on.” ∼ Lou Holtz, football coach

2. RE-ENACTING (cont)
f. Fear of being vulnerable / g. F of the Truth / h. F. of making mistakes

i. F of S & I – To the WIC, C. to anything or anyone means that no one will ever take care of us. ACoAs are addicted to our sick family & their way of functioning in the world. Being symbiotically intertwined with parents &/or siblings, we still believe everything they implied or told us about ourself & the world making everything unsafe, so we mistakenly believe we might as well stay with what we know. (Posts : “S & I”, and “Toxic Family RULES”),

The WIC wants safety even more than love, and it thinks that what is ‘safe’ is what it learned at home. In that way we’re indeed committed, but not to ourself or to mental /emotional / spiritual health. (EXPANDED in“ACoAs – Being Responsible”)

j. F of Compromise. To the WIC, C. to anything means alwayMY WAYs having to giving in to others – yet again! Having had to give up so much of our core identity as kids, ACoAs fiercely cling to whatever shreds of ourself we’ve pieced together over the years. This is usually based on S-H, Toxic Rules, our family Role , plus a few genuine aspects of our Natural Child.
In AA those shreds are called “Self-will run riot”, (character defects) which really means our WIC – using it’s defense mechanisms to survive, but assuming they’re our real personality.

• Not having actual boundaries, we can’t bear meeting someone even part way, for fear of disappearing completely. We ‘can’t afford’ to take into account all the ways they’re different from us – their personality, idiosyncrasies or woundedness – because it might mean modifying some of our habits or way of thinking – to get along.
It feels like loss of freedom, so the child panics, sure that ‘giving in’ would be like back home, negating ourself completely – again.

➡️ This pattern is part of another ACoA Double Bind: Giving ourselves away completely, while being rigidly stuck in the False Self
• We’re afraid of conforming to social norms or requirement – a dress code for work, the authority of a boss, a different ‘language’ for different venues…
• We always have to be RIGHT & do things a certain way – which usually turns out to be our family’s way, not actually our own. Al-Anon asks: “Would you rather be right, or be happy?” The child’s answer is: BOTH! But compromise may mean choosing one or the other – some of the time.

If you know yourself well, make 3 separate lists, of THINGS:
1. you absolutely need – can not or will not give up, change, or modify. It’s usually the shortest, base on core values from your True Self, using the UNIT.

2. you like, prefer, even love, but are willing to work around. It means sometimes going somewhere or doing something you want, alternating with things the other person wants. It requires enough recovery to not feel resentful or diminished when you don’t get your way

3. that aren’t that important or meaningful to you, one way or another – so the other person or situation can have it their way, & it’s no skin off your nose.

NOTE :  LIST things about a person, job, object, locations… which truly harm &/or do not suit you., ever!  Then it’s imperative to eliminate them as soon as possible – not just as a ‘geographic’ escape

💠 REALITY – if we commit to anything we do want, sometimes we’ll have to adjust ourself somewhat to the requirements or needs of that situation or person, BUT without losing ourselves.
Healthy compromise allows for both ‘parties’ to benefit. It is not co-dependence, which would exclude ourselves in favor of another.
(SITE: Compromise in an ADHD Relationship)

NEXT: FoC – #6a

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

foc WHENEVER I MESS UP
my whole world collapses

PREVIOUS: FoC – Part 3


QUOTE: “Commitment unlocks the doors of imagination, allows vision & gives us the ‘right stuff’ to turn our dreams into reality.” ∼ James Womack, founder of Lean Enterprise Inst.


2. RE-ENACTING (cont)
c. Fear of being trapped / d. F. of responsibility / e. F. of losing control

f. F of being vulnerable – To the WIC, C. to anything is leaving
oneself open to all kinds of danger. As long as the WIC is in charge of relationships (of any kind), it believes that letting someone in to see the ‘real us’ – leaves us open to being left alone again.

VulnetableOf course the tragedy is that without enough Recovery, it is exactly that ego-state which chooses our relationships – always unsuitable, unfulfilling or outright dangerous – which inevitably does add to our suffering!

This fear leads to over-protecting ourselves, which can create a Double Bind – we’re damned if we pick someone to stay with (symbiosis), we’re damned if we keep everyone away (false boundaries).

g. F of the Truth. To the WIC, C. to our growth & Recovery means admitting we failed – somehow!  Also, it thinks we’ll have to feel all that pain – & then we’ll go crazy or die!
ACoAs are intensely resistant to admitting how traumatic our childhood really was, & how severely damaged we are as a result.
We love our family & don’t want to face how abusive & emotionally unavailable they were. Review DMs re. ACoAs. “Denial is not a river in Egypt!” (de Nile) says the pun. Denial prevents us from healing our wounds, which then keeps us from finding & keeping nourishing relationships.

One way this is expressed is seen in the chart.
When we continually act out either STAYER or LEAVER ‘position’, as a form of false protection, we know that our WIC is in charge. “Leaving” isn’t just about walking away.
stay/leaveIt’s any form of being withholding, distant, ‘cool’, emotionally detached. Both groups are equally terrified of commitment, but it’s more visible in Leavers. C = Conscious // Un = Unconscious // FoA = fear of Abandonment //  FoC = fear of Commitment

h. F. of making mistakes. To the WIC, C. is not possible because we’ll never be able to ‘do it’ perfectly. 
☁︎ Punished / rejected continually, for things we :
— were never taught /  took too long to ‘get’
— simply too young to know / couldn’t possibly have known at any age
— were deliberately left out of /  had difficulty learning …..

So now we can’t take the chance of not knowing everything & being seen as ‘frauds’. If commitment means intimacy, then letting someone inside our defenses means exposing how imperfect we are, & then they’ll punish or leave us!

☁︎ Greed: Being deprives of so much growing up, the WIC now wants everything at once, & can’t tolerate being told NO about anything. So, when there’s a decision to be made among 2 or more options, we want to do them all, afraid to choose one & have to let go of the other(s), afraid of picking the wrong one & being disappointed – again

☁︎ Confusion: It’s not knowing our True Self at all or well enough to choose among options or possibilities – whether picking the right kind of mate, the right kind of career, the ‘right’ spiritual path, even down to the right kind of food, clothing & entertainment. It’s not being allowed to admit what we want or need. So many opportunities for making mistakes!mistakes

☁︎ Failures: Not having a Loving Parent & access to our True Self, we’ve already made many unhappy life choices – of friends, lovers, jobs, homes, hair cuts…. so we’re convinced we’re doomed to never do any better.
We keep forgetting (or don’t know) that our ‘picker’ has been a combination of the WIC & the PigP.
However, when those 2 ego states no longer run our life, we can choose better, & so can commit to safe, suitable PPTs.

NEXT: FoC – Part 5

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

FoC I KEEP TRYING TO CONNECT – but no one seems to want me!

PREVIOUS: ACoA – FoC, #2



SITE: Commitment Phobics – playing out a dysfunctional family role

Some REASONS for FoC

RE-ENACTING (cont.)
a. FoA /  b. F of leaving family / c. F of being trapped

d. F. of responsibility
• as kids – To the WIC, commitment (C) meant we had to be responsible for everyone & everything, & no one taking care of us. We were forced to be responsible (R) for our unhappy angry, crazy, drunk parents, & sometimes our siblings. Many of us had to be the ‘designated adult’ even when we were very little, because of their incompetence, selfishness & addictions. We got the RULE loud & clear “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”.

e. F. of losing control – OPPOSITE of being ‘in control’, of ourself & our life, which eliminates being able to fully commit. To the WIC, C. to anything  -means many ‘unbearable’ things :
— accepting how things really are
— having to move on
— ‘allowing’ others to be different from us
— giving up absolute autonomy or of getting our way….

We violently resist the middle “A” (Acceptance) or any suggestions to “let go – with love, let go & let God, let go – with sadness, disappointment, anger…” – any way we can, but LET GO.

We believe that WE have to be constantly alert to preventing others from having power over us, and to stop the ‘craziness’ of addicts from falling apart and narcissists from engulf us. Many of us kept trying to do this in our original home – without success. And some of us still do, no matter how futile or unnecessary!

ACoAs project our S-H & paranoia out on the whole world, perpetuating our deep fear & mistrust. As adults, being controlling is a substitute for having real boundaries – mental & emotional walls the WIC thinks will protect us from actual or imagined dangers.

• If we were raised in an uptight, controlling environment – we’ll either rebel & want no limits at all, or follow the family pattern & be uptight, rigid & overly-fussy..
OR
• If we were raised in great physical & emotional chaos, many of us will expend all our energy as adults trying to keep people-places-things (PPT) in a tight grip. The assumption is that if we don’t, everything will spin out of control, even if the present day circumstances are actually much more manageable.

In any case, which ever style our personality leans toward – will be greatly influences by birth order & our Toxic Family Role (Hero //  Placater), but will also have a great deal to do with our native Type

Needing to control everything & everyone in our environment is both a way to prevent others from getting too close (intimate), as well as trying to keep them attached to us.
🔉 Overtly: Telling everyone what they should be doing, feeling & thinking – that it’s our way or the highway.

Being pushy, aggressive, ‘difficult’, demanding…. is presumptuous & insulting – the controller’s conviction that they’re the only one who knows how to do things, knows what’s best, what’s RIGHT, & how things should be done!    See Posts: “Controlling & Abandonment” //  “ACoAs – Getting controlled”

🔇Covertly: Many ACoAs are sure they’re not controlling, because they don’t recognize how they do it, since it’s indirect & sneaky – by omissions, withholding & people-pleasing.
in controlSome ways:
– BY consistently denying oneself (needs emotions, opinions…) in favor of another. It’s a way to manipulate how someone behaves & how they feel about us, or prevent them from leaving (abandoning us).
– BY withholding – affection, communication, decisions, preferences….
– BY always being a victim, sickly or incompetent, so others have to take care of us or clean up our messes
– BY rescuing, people-pleasing…., trying to change someone or something into what we want, so we won’t have to leave & start over

NEXT: FoC, Part 4