I KEEP TRYING TO CONNECT – but no one seems to want me!

PREVIOUS: ACoA – FoC, #2



SITE: Commitment Phobics – playing out a dysfunctional family role

Some REASONS for FoC

RE-ENACTING (cont.)
a. FoA /  b. F of leaving family / c. F of being trapped

d. F. of responsibility
• as kids – To the WIC, commitment (C) meant we had to be responsible for everyone & everything, & no one taking care of us. We were forced to be responsible (R) for our unhappy angry, crazy, drunk parents, & sometimes our siblings. Many of us had to be the ‘designated adult’ even when we were very little, because of their incompetence, selfishness & addictions. We got the RULE loud & clear “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”.

e. F. of losing control – OPPOSITE of being ‘in control’, of ourself & our life, which eliminates being able to fully commit. To the WIC, C. to anything  -means many ‘unbearable’ things :
— accepting how things really are
— having to move on
— ‘allowing’ others to be different from us
— giving up absolute autonomy or of getting our way….

We violently resist the middle “A” (Acceptance) or any suggestions to “let go – with love, let go & let God, let go – with sadness, disappointment, anger…” – any way we can, but LET GO.

We believe that WE have to be constantly alert to preventing others from having power over us, and to stop the ‘craziness’ of addicts from falling apart and narcissists from engulf us. Many of us kept trying to do this in our original home – without success. And some of us still do, no matter how futile or unnecessary!

ACoAs project our S-H & paranoia out on the whole world, perpetuating our deep fear & mistrust. As adults, being controlling is a substitute for having real boundaries – mental & emotional walls the WIC thinks will protect us from actual or imagined dangers.

• If we were raised in an uptight, controlling environment – we’ll either rebel & want no limits at all, or follow the family pattern & be uptight, rigid & overly-fussy..
OR
• If we were raised in great physical & emotional chaos, many of us will expend all our energy as adults trying to keep people-places-things (PPT) in a tight grip. The assumption is that if we don’t, everything will spin out of control, even if the present day circumstances are actually much more manageable.

In any case, which ever style our personality leans toward – will be greatly influences by birth order & our Toxic Family Role (Hero //  Placater), but will also have a great deal to do with our native Type

Needing to control everything & everyone in our environment is both a way to prevent others from getting too close (intimate), as well as trying to keep them attached to us.
🔉 Overtly: Telling everyone what they should be doing, feeling & thinking – that it’s our way or the highway.

Being pushy, aggressive, ‘difficult’, demanding…. is presumptuous & insulting – the controller’s conviction that they’re the only one who knows how to do things, knows what’s best, what’s RIGHT, & how things should be done!    See Posts: “Controlling & Abandonment” //  “ACoAs – Getting controlled”

🔇Covertly: Many ACoAs are sure they’re not controlling, because they don’t recognize how they do it, since it’s indirect & sneaky – by omissions, withholding & people-pleasing.
Some ways:
– BY consistently denying oneself (needs emotions, opinions…) in favor of another. It’s a way to manipulate how someone behaves & how they feel about us, or prevent them from leaving (abandoning us).
– BY withholding – affection, communication, decisions, preferences….
– BY always being a victim, sickly or incompetent, so others have to take care of us or clean up our messes
– BY rescuing, people-pleasing…., trying to change someone or something into what we want, so we won’t have to leave & start over

NEXT: FoC, Part 4