PREVIOUS: FoC – ACoAs #1
SITE: “10 most common fears” & more….
2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
As stated in Part 1, besides ‘close’ relationships, Fear of Commitment (FoC) also shows up as not giving our all at school or work, at home or in public…. It’s a fear of giving our best, convinced that our best will be considered “not good enough”. That leaves us ashamed, lonely & scared.
BUT – ‘not-our-best’ according to whom??? Well, as long as our WIC is running things (via beliefs & emotions) we’re living in the past, assuming everyone will treat us exactly like our family did/does, even when we’ve had many experiences to the contrary.
Many ACoAs long for a positive, steady relationship & a better over-all life. Yet no matter how hard they try they keep missing the brass ring. The WIC’s terror of reproducing the dangerous intimacy of our original Parent-Child bond is so strong it prevents us from finding the love & acceptance we crave.
❤️ What can make the difference is the creation of a strong, healthy internal Loving Parent who will pull the WIC away from the PP, & forming a connection to a loving H.P., proving there’s another way to bond with others – safely.
Some REASONS for FoC
a. Fear of abandonment (FoA) – our most basic fear. A = not getting enough of our legitimate childhood PMES needs met, AND being abused in each of those 4 categories. It created the belief that we will always lose what we need & love, so there’s no point in setting ourselves up for more pain by committing (C) to something we care about. It’s one reason ACoAs are ‘best’ at what we like or love to do – the least. It’s inevitable that FoA would create lack of trust. SO – if our parents & other important caretakers neglected & assaulted us, how can we possible believe anyone else would be dependable or care for us?
b. F of leaving family of origin – we can’t C. to anything we would like if it takes us away from ‘them’. IF WE:
– are so ‘under their thumb’ that we’re not allowed to make our own choices, or let family pick for you (mates, career, where to live…)
– have emotional incest ties to a parent, we can’t have our own dyad
– are still dealing with a parent who is an active addict, mentally ill or otherwise impaired, so we feel compelled to keep taking care of them, instead of ourselves
c. F of being trapped – To the WIC, C. to anything means never being able have our own space to breathe, NOR to get out of it, if it doesn’t work out the way we hoped.
As kids we were trapped with ‘them’, & the adults were trapped with each other, in dead-end jobs, with relatives they hated, & most of all trapped in their own damage. We swore we’d never let that happen to us, so now we never commit to anything or anyone.
Instead we have our own traps because of:
• NO Options: not allowed to choose (lovers, friends, mates…) for ourselves, whoever wants us gets us,whether we actually want them or not
• NO Boundaries – automatically disappearing / losing ourselves when around others, especially a mate. Not having access to our True Self, we don’t know what our needs, wants or tastes are, so we go along with whatever others expect, want, demand, imply…. This makes us feel suffocated, ‘swamped’, overwhelmed when we / they get too close.
• NO Freedom: we’re stuck because, along with our own FoA, we’re not allowed to leave one of our toxic family rule: “If you don’t like you have to stay”). ACoAs react in one of 2 ways:
– either stay way too long in bad or unsuitable situations OR
– compulsively come & go, isolate or just keep running
<—- “Come here-Go away” dance of FoC (see ‘Boundaries’)
NEXT: FoC – Part 2b