I DUMP ON ANYONE who tries to love me
PREVIOUS: FoC – ACoAs #1
SITE: “10 most common fears” & more….
2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
As stated in Part 1, besides ‘close’ relationships, Fear of Commitment (FoC) also shows up as not giving our all at school or work, at home or in public…. It’s a fear of giving our best, convinced that our best will always be considered “not good enough”. That leaves us ashamed, lonely & scared.
Q : ‘Not-good-enough’ & always being wrong – according to whom???
Ans : Original family, maybe peers, religion…. As long as our WIC is running things (via beliefs & emotions) we’re stuck in the past, assuming everyone will treat us exactly like our family did/does, even when we’ve had positive experiences to the contrary.
Many ACoAs long for a loving, steady relationship & a better over-all life. Yet no matter how hard we try we keep missing the brass ring. The WIC’s terror of reproducing the dangerous intimacy of our original Parent-Child bond is so strong it prevents us from finding the safety & acceptance we crave.
❤️ What stops us from creating our own strong, internal Loving Parent ? The kind who will pull the WIC away from the PigP, form a connection to a loving H.P., & prove there’s another way to bond with others – safely ?
Some REASONS for FoC
a. Fear of abandonment (FoA) – our most basic fear.
A = not getting enough of our legitimate childhood PMES needs met, AND being abused in each of those 4 categories. This created the belief that we’ll always lose what we need & love.
So there’s no point in setting ourselves up for more pain by committing (C) to something we truly care about. It’s one reason ACoAs are ‘best’ at what we like or love to do – the least.
It’s inevitable that FoA creates lack of trust. SO – if our parents & other important caretakers neglected & assaulted us, how can we possible believe anyone else would be dependable or care for us?
b. F of leaving family of origin – we can’t C. to anything we need or like, if it takes us away from ‘them’. IF WE:
– are so ‘under their thumb’ that we’re not allowed to make our own choices, or let family pick for us (mates, career, where to live…)
– have emotional-incest ties to a parent, so we can’t have our own dyad
– are still dealing with a parent who’s an active addict, mentally ill or otherwise impaired, so we feel compelled to keep taking care of them, instead of ourselves
c. F of being trapped – To the WIC, C. to anything means :
— never being able have our own space to breathe, nor
— get out of any situation that doesn’t work out the way we hoped.
As kids we were chained to ‘them’, & the adults were trapped with each other – in dead-end jobs, with relatives they hated, & most of all trapped in their own damage. We swore we’d never let that happen to us, so now we never commit to anything or anyone.
♻️ Instead, we make our own prison because of :
• NO Options: not allowed to choose (lovers, friends, mates…) for ourself, so whoever wants us gets us, whether we actually want them or not
• NO Boundaries – automatically disappearing / losing ourself when around others, especially a mate. Not having access to our True Self, we don’t know what our needs, wants or tastes are, so we go along with whatever others expect, want, demand, imply….
This makes us feel suffocated, ‘swamped’, overwhelmed when we / they get too close.
• NO Freedom: we’re stuck because, along with our own FoA, we’re not allowed to leave one of our toxic family rule: “If you don’t like you have to stay”.
ACoAs react in one of 2 ways:
– either stay way too long in bad or unsuitable situations OR
– compulsively come & go, isolate or just keep running
⬆️ “Come here-Go away” dance of FoC (see ‘Boundaries’)
NEXT: FoC – Part 2b