alcoholism

“ACTIONS – Healthy OPPOSITES” (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

2 ways I HAVE TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENTLY –
it’s such a big job but I’m not giving up!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Opposites -#2

See Acronyms Page for abbrevs.

SITES: Healthy Helping  // Healthy Boundaries  // Recovery – Is
My Rights  // ACoAs & Healthy Rules

“REVERSING self-defeating Behavior IMPROVES our Life” (cont)
A. UNHEALTHY Patterns

B. UNHEALTHY Opposites (cont.)
• Recovery is about moving from being unhealthy (#1) to gradually becoming healthier (>>>#2), from doing self-harming things to becoming more self-caring. All wounded people start out on the far Left side of this chart, taking mostly unhealthy actions. Unfortunately it’s where many ACoAs stay – although we don’t have to

healthy oppositesThere’s a saying in AA: “Alcoholics dig themselves into a rut, & then they decorate it”! —- instead of climbing out.
Since many of us were raised by alcoholics we learned to do the same, & find it very hard to outgrow.
It’s also true if our parents were some other kind of narcissist, abuser, depressive…. no matter what their drug-of-choice – food, money, exercise, relationships, workaholism, rage, religion….)

• Naturally, if we don’t know what Healthy Opposites are we can’t work towards them.  So we settle for Unhealthy opposites without even realizing what we’re doing.  Because they don’t work either, we go back to our original coping style, caught in a vicious cycle between the extremes of the Left end ⬆️, never making it over to the RIGHT side!

Some Negative Opposites (a –> b –> a….)
• Feeling hurt
Too Little: backing down, suffering in silence (& rage), being a victim…
Too Much: rude, hostile, insulting, giving the cold shoulder….

• Disappointing “relationships”
Too Little: isolating, depressed, not saying how we feel or what we need, ignoring our needs, waiting to be taken care of…
Too Much: clinging, chasing, verbally attacking, demanding….

• Work Stress
Too Little: being late, going on strike, not finishing projects, making lots of mistakes, taking too much time off….
Too Much: trying to please the boss, doing everything immediately, staying late, worrying about getting fired…..

• In the Home
Too Little: being lazy, sloppy, careless, dirty
Too Much: compulsively cleaning, obsessively putting things in ‘order’, not wanting anything moved….
More Examples:
• FROM clinging to bad relationships, family, jobs… TO isolating ourselves to the point of emotional starvation

• FROM not being able to get out of bed, totally goofing off, not using our talents …. TO running around like a headless chicken, taking on too many projects, becoming a workaholic

• FROM being so poor we end up living Ion the street or with drunks & crazies, TO overspending every cent we have as a way to sooth ourselves
• FROM physically being undernourished TO stuffing oneself, especially on unhealthy food & drink
• FROM promiscuity TO total sexual / sensual deprivation
• FROM living in daydreams TO being hard-nosed & controlling – and back again….

C. HEALTHY Opposites
Moving forward in life includes taking healthy productive actions, although doing things is not the only aspect, & sometimes taking no action is wiser & more effective.  In terms of T.E.A., all our actions are motivated BY our thoughts & emotions, whether healthy or not, whether we admit this or not.

So, what can we do?
• In order to make desired changes we need correct info. Like any new language, we have to learn the vocabulary, grammar, syntax & rhythm of healthy actions. Actions that lead to any type of success are usually the exact ‘Positive-Opposite’ of our life-long patterns.

Yes, we’ve tried to do things differently, but to no avail because we’ve been doing the ‘Negative-Opposite’, with great effort & sincerity, but always ending in disappointment or failure

• We know it’s hard to change. ACoAs hate change! It triggers the WIC’s lack of safety from our dangerous childhood.  Taking positive actions can temporarily make us feel crazy, in danger & we can temporarily regress to immature behaviors – as if we haven’t grown at all!

Recovery asks us to let go of old ways of thinking & doing – which seems very threatening – but ends us actually healing us!

NEXT: Reader request

“ACTIONS – Healthy OPPOSITES” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

 I’VE BEEN DOING THE OPPOSITE!
 why isn’t it working?

PREVIOUS: Healthy Opposites #1

POST : Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (#2)

 

“REVERSING self-defeating Behavior IMPROVES our Life” (cont)
A. UNHEALTHY Patterns (cont.)
ACoAs have a tendency to:
• do everything based on B & W thinking (‘always, never, no one, all’…)
• be afraid to do anything that’s against the Toxic Family Rules
• only do what we think others want us to, or what others expect of us

• behave in much the same way that our dysfunctional parents did
• use the same type of actions in every situation (no nuance, no variations, no risks, no innovations or what actually works …)

• not learn from our mistakes, just repeat bad patterns & then complain
• blame others for our mistakes, emotional distress or lack of action
• react from a wounded, anxious or angry emotional place (the co-dependent triangle = victim / perpetrator / rescuer)

Here the focus is on the way to choose what category of actions to take. It’s not a guide to what we should do, but rather correcting what seems to us a quite logical – yet misguided – way to solve our problems, which has been to:
➡️ periodically reverse our usual way of handling things – but only knowing how to choose its Unhealthy Opposite!

B. UNHEALTHY Opposites
• From the very beginning of life we’ve been trying to figure out how to survive, fix our family & get our needs met – mostly with corrupted info (G-I / G-O = “garbage in – garbage out”).

ACoAs are very smart, creative & determined – even though we don’t realize or own it. As kids all out talents went into a valiant effort to save our parents & siblings – maybe even friends.
Now we find other dysfunctional people to ‘rescue’ – desperate to make them well enough to be there for us!

EXP: The 4yr old trying to help her drunk father up the stairs that he’s passed out on, the teenager hopelessly trying to convince her mother to go to Al-anon or leave dad, OR as adults – trying to get a heavily addicted lover /spouse sober, or to keep them from killing themselves – whealthy oppositesith little or no success.

• As unrecovered adults we stumble around without mental or emotional clarity – in spite of our high intelligence, because of convoluted & warped info we were fed in childhood.
The ACoA Laundry List says: “We guess at what normal is”, so we obsessively watch normals to figure out what to do (how do they talk, how do they eat sushi, what makes them happy, how do they make friends?…).

Even so, we can only copy them but so far, because we’re still in the grip of our childhood / family templates – used as the foundation for new actions.  It doesn’t work. This is to be expected – it’s how every brain is programmed from birth.
So we always end up in the same old place, defeated & hopeless, thinking that it’s: a) somehow all our fault, & that b) the universe is against us!
Either way, it hurts!
EXP: Afraid to be in social situation because we don’t know how to make small talk, convinced we’ll be boring or sound stupid…..

• And how do we use all our native cleverness & determinatioakwardn for ourselves?
There are many convoluted ways UNhealth can manifest itself. From that mess we choose a set of patterns that most suits our specific personality & our background. We keep trying them out in complex variations & with lots of different people. (Chart in Part 4)

When we get too frustrated by not getting what we need or want, we unconsciously pick through the mental rolodex of distorted options that were forced on us, looking for a better way to handle things, hoping another ‘opposite’  way of behaving will solve our problems.

So we try obvious reversals, BUT all our action-choices are taken from the ‘disease’ end of the spectrum. From a. to b. & back again! (in above chart)
EXP: “I always say the wrong thing, so now I’m not going to talk at all! OR
// My last 3 girlfriends were nightmares, so I’ll never trust another woman….”

NEXT: Healthy opposites #3

“ACTIONS – Healthy OPPOSITES” (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 I TRY & TRY –
but I still don’t get anywhere!

PREVIOUS: Self-Esteem – IS

POST:  ‘Why are you stuck?”

See Acronyms Page for abbrev.


“REVERSING self-defeating Behavior IMPROVES our Life”
A. UNHEALTHY Patterns
• Many of us know how we would like our life to be:
To HAVE a fulfilling career, loving relationships, less pressure, a little fun… and we’ve been trying, struggling, obsessing – year in & year out – but not much has changed.  We feel stuck, frustrated & depressed – still run by our false beliefs (CDs) & un-processed emotions.

We grew up with years of abuse – around chaos, addictions, criticism, rage, depression, neglect & illness. We learned to survive by adapting to what ‘they’ seemed to need & want, so we cobbled together a set of behaviors as best we could, with very little guidance, which allowed us to survive – but not thrive. We became a ‘human doing’ instead of a Human Being.picture-13• We often hear advice like – “Just do it!, Just start somewhere, Do the opposite of what you normally do”, even “Take the action & let go of the result”….  America was built on hard work, perseverance, risk taking & chutzpah.  All of these qualities are action-based.

Anthony Robbins, famous athletes, business moguls & business coaches focus us on taking the next action & the next – no matter what.
➡️This has value, up to a point, but ACoAs know it’s not that simple, because depression gets in the way, & besides – we didn’t have early role models for what right actions actually are.

Dysfunctional Functioning:
a. Some ACoAs have a daily struggle to function at all – maybe from being chemically challenged, not having the vitamins & nutrition needed to be ‘level’ & / or being so devastated by emotional pain that we have little or no passive victimwill to act

b. Some of us waste years of our life just drifting along, not knowing what we want to be ‘when we grow up’!  We’re unhappy & unfulfilled, but don’t have a direction to focus on. Or we fall into whatever jobs that allow us to earn a living.

This is not blame – only identifying the result of being wounded, not from personal defect!  Various forms of Recovery can help us find our True Self, which includes our dreams, goal, talents & abilities

c. Others of us have a strong sense of what we’d like to do – if only we had the support, the education, the opportunity, the connections…..
But we don’t go for it because it would require going against every message we picked up at home, such as – “Don’t out-do us, Don’t be successful, Don’t be the real you….” all of which feels like life-&-death to disobey!
✶ This is not an exaggeration to the WIC, so don’t let anyone tell you you’re being dramatic!

d. An alternative to not doing anything is to either take up a profession that was dictated by our family or a secondary interest of ours (doing stage makeup instead of acting, being a nurse instead of a doctor….) – sometimes even becoming very skilled at it, but without enough satisfaction.
➡️ It’s not unusual for ACoAs to do quite well at what we like to do the least!

e. Many ACoAs fail to take the beneficial actions we absolute need to have a decent life – at the very least, always choosing the worst relationships, the most unsatisfying jobs, isolating ourselves, refusing to take advantage of growth opportunities (personal or material), not caring for our health – not to mention continuing with any number of addictions

f. And then there are the Hero ACoAs, who over-DO all the time. Action is their god, their escape, their addiction. Keeping busy is the only thing keeping their emotions at bay.  ‘Heroes’ are so good at everything they DO, but are hard on themselves & hard on everyone else.  They may or may not be working at a job that suits them, but they’re going to prove they can do anything! What gets ignored is being vulnerable, showing heir softer side.

NEXT: Healthy Opposites – #2

SAYINGS that MISREPRESENT (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: SAYINGS #3

SITE: Aphorism – looong list

◆ “Understanding How Words Work“(Scroll to ‘Language’)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
REVIEW Intro in Part 1 

11. “First impressions are the most important.”
❤️ YES – It’s necessary – in business, in social settings & in casual public situation. It matters when we need to convince someone of our value in order to get something we need from them. Or, it matters when we want someone new to get to know us, so they won’t be scared off. It can be good for our self-esteem to put our best foot forward….
ARTICLE: “A second chance to make the Right Impression”

AND Yes, a bad first impression can potentially cause a permanent loss.
EXP: What if you meet me for the first time – say on a job, at a party or other group – when I’m having a bad week, am ill or going thru a painful time, when I’m frantic, angry, down…. so I sound like a lunatic – but it’s not who I really am most of the time?

You’ll go away thinking “They’re a crazy person / how obnoxious / I don’t want to be around that!!!” That’s sad but understandable. It’s an unfortunate interaction that can’t be salvaged. So you will miss out on my ‘normal’ wonderful, interesting self – just like it’s happened to some of us in our family, who may never have gotten to know our best Recovering Self.  Oh well. Others do.
🤖
💜 NO – If we’re presenting a fake facade or a ‘too good’ version of ourselves – which will become too hard to keep up – whether in a new job or new relationship. And when we no longer want to or just can’t keep it up – then we’re likely to disappoint people who bought the facade. And we’ll feel bad about ourselves.
Except if you’re a narcissist or sociopath who needs to keep the mask in place all the time, then you’ll never feel shame.

And NO – We can’t always go by our 1st impressions of others, especially for ACoAs, since the WIC will always react to them from the unconscious IMAGO modeled on our family.
a. Idealizing: When we ACoAs first meet people we have a habit of making up who they are, based on how they treat us. If they show an interest then we over-estimate them & therefore assume they’re going to provide everything we’ve been longing for. If they’re not interested or unpleasant, we take it personally & either slink away or try to win them over.

One result – the big problem is that without doing FoO work we tend to be most attracted to unhealthy people & then proceed – sometimes deliberately – to ignore all the red flags they wave at us! in order to stay with them. All the while expecting them to be the good parents we never had. Ridiculous!
Then when all the WIC’s hopes & needs get disappointed, we turn those same people into monsters (over-value then under-value). Either way – it’s harmful to us – & unfair to them.

Another result – we cheat ourselves of real ‘nourishment’ by not seeking out people who have a healthier sense of self, which allows them to connect with us, but without enmeshment.
They will not want to take on the missing-parent-role, but will be able to see & value us for our True Self, even when we can’t.

b. Over-disclosing: If we first meet a new friend or lover who’s willing to listen to us – we tend to immediately tell our life’s story, with all our sorrows & self-hate. This is he WIC’s desperation to be heard & comforted, but also to get a jump on ‘inevitable’ abandonment.

Unfortunately, when we pour our heart out to non-professionals, it only makes us more vulnerable & seem foolish or weak. Of course we do this with others too, but that kind of ‘sharing’ belongs in Al-Anon, therapy, & spiritual counseling. Developing healthy boundaries lets us be more balanced in our presentation of ourselves.

NEXT: Serenity Prayer backwards

SAYINGS that MISREPRESENT (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, astrology, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I WANT TO BE CLEAR
about what I’m saying

PREVIOUS: Growth for the Scapegoat #3

SITE:Use of Language (Many links re. the meaning of words & phrases)

INTRO
CONFUSING: We all use short-cuts in daily conversation, which is understandable, but sometimes this can do us a disservice.
There are truisms we take for granted, phrases & sayings we repeat without considering what they really mean. We assume they are correct, & that they apply across the board  (the latter is B & W thinking – a CD).

It is said that the unconscious has no sense of humor & is completely literal. It’s the reason affirmations need to be said in the positive: “I have a right to be happy…. rather than “I don’t want to suffer any more”, and stated as if our goal had already happened; “I am making / have made $100,000 in sales this year”, rather than “I wish I could make….”.

Language is so important, not just to connect well with other people, but mainly to connect with ourselves in the healthiest possible way. The Inner Child is always listening to everything we say to others, & at the same time is listening to the Bad Parent voice shouting or whispering in the background.
It’s up to the UNIT (healthy adult & loving parent) to make sure our language is kind as well as accurate.

In terms of having good mental boundaries, “Accuracy is more important than agreement”. Just because everyone else believes or does something – doesn’t mean we have to. Don’t let others confuse you. Don’t follow the crowd!

☁︎ NOTE: How we use Language is as important in the quest for ‘sanity’ as other factors. The words & phrases we choose either help or hinder our progress.

1. “I deserve to / You deserve it…..”
The problem is the word ‘deserve’. Sounds OK? Well, in terms of actual meaning, ‘deserve’ refers to something given as a reward for acceptable, special or difficult behavior (as in: “Here is your A+ / medal / Oscar / gold watch…..you deserve it”). It’s something earned, which is OK, since it’s good to be recognized & honored for accomplishments.

So it’s a ❤️ YES if you’re rewarded for earning a living, getting a good grade, winning at a sport or climbing a mountain….

BUT it’s a definite 💜 NO when speaking of our rights as a person. We’re not supposed to deserve them. They’re ours no matter what. Using ‘deserve’ in the context of personal growth is misguided, because it implies that our worth is based on how much & how well we DO things.

This reinforces our difficult childhood, when we were only acceptable (if at all) based on the condition of how well we conformed to dysfunctional rules, instead of being loved unconditionally for just being here.

So, connecting “I deserve …..” with self-worth is a subtle distortion, disguised as Recovery, which ignores our BE-ing. The implied message is: “Produce or lose!” It sneakily tells us that we have to keep on earning validation & permission to have things which are in fact universal Human needs (love, freedom, respect, identity, guidance, dependability….), & therefore should not have to be struggled for.
This deep-rooted negative assumption is why we keep trying to be perfect & please everyone.

2. “Well, at least you’re alive, You’ll be just fine, You’re strong”
❤️YES – of course. We want to affirm life & let people know we care about their existence.
❤︎ However, without making this a NO, there is a way in which these phrases are a kind of insensitive throw-away. With many people it’s just a polite standard.

But if you just had a devastating loss & may even be injured – like a serious accident with a death, a full-scale house fire, a near drowning, a severe physical assault, a major illness…. You’re in pain, in mourning, in shock! so those comments are not comforting or uplifting.
Without looking for pity or to be rescued, some indication of empathy or sympathy would be welcome, rather than a glib pat on the head.

NEXT: Phrases #2

ACoAs being Scapegoated – GOWTH (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 

 

 CAN PROTECT MYSELF
in healthy adult ways

PREVIOUS: Scapegoated (#7b)

SITEs: Empath as Scapegoat in Group Dynamics
• Being a Corporate Scapegoat (cover-ups)

BOOK: Puttin’ Cologne on the Rickshaw, ~William Bouffard, re. Scapegoat Mechanism at work

TO WORK ON (cont.)
BUSINESS – & Relationships in general
Re. Others
A key to not being scapegoated at work is to “stick with the winners”! which means changing our behavior. Healthier people have fewer or milder buttons, & so are more patient with us when we (accidentally) step on their toes.
Pay attention to each person you’re around. What’s their usual m.o. – pleasant or unpleasant, sane or crazy, realistic or in denial, sober or addicted, connected or narcissistic …..?

Positive people to stick with: Those who are generally cheerful, discreet, encouraging, friendly, forgiving, loyal, & with good boundaries

Negative people to avoid – waving big red flags that scream “issues” we don’tred flags want to be a victim of nor take on:
– Overly controlling, always judgmental, critical, know-it-all, bossy
– Talking ‘at’ you, generally intimidating
– Making fun of you or others, gossips, clicky….
– Always complaining about others or the job, without doing anything to improve themselves or the situation
– Only talking about themselves, endlessly

Such types make us anxious or angry. The longer we’re around them the more it harms us. We’re so used to it from childhood we put up with it. But now we don’t have to!

Re. Our Behavior – at work & anywhere
• Don’t complain about stuff so much: politics, social deterioration, your crazy family, the weather… whatever! Emotionally upsetting things belong in therapy, church, Program…..
AND do not use friendships or romantic partners for therapy. Work on your issues with a trained therapist who knows ACoA issues, & in Al-Anon, ACA, CODA

• DO NOT make fun of or belittle yourself – ever! It’s OK to laugh at our imperfection – not taking ourselves so seriously – as long as it’s NOT from S-H! Denigrating ourselves or letting others do it signals low self-esteem, giving unhealthy people ‘permission’ to disrespect us

Screen Shot 2015-11-27 at 3.49.55 PM• Stop being a “truth-teller” (tattling) unless you need help from an authority figure to stop being abused
• Don’t use feeling terms at work (that’s upsetting, I’m frustrated, angry….). INSTEAD – talk about what you would like to see or do, & make practical suggestions

• Don’t over-disclose to co-workers, bosses & casual friends (serious problems, intense emotions, financial & legal details….). Some people will use them to judge, mistreat, avoid…you. If asked personal Qs, be general or vague, using a rational tone (Adult ego state), & end on a positive note

• Don’t attach to a new acquaintance too quickly or easily. Listen for cues about who they are, so you know if they’re safe or not. That takes time
• Don’t assume everyone’s trustworthy. It’s naive to think everyone usually takes the high road. It’s our narcissism to think others will or should act & feel the way we do

• Don’t trust most people with your secrets, which can lead to betrayal. Be friendly, have fun, but don’t expect others to honor confidences. Secrets are always juicy & some people can’t resist sharing them, while others will use them against you, from jealousy or meanness

• Don’t stay a Scapegoat – work on shedding the “Victim Mentality.” Find & hang on to what’s positive in your life, so you can enjoy them.

RESPONDING to a Scapegoater
Manager: Jill, I need those sales figures to complete my analysis
Scapegoater Boss: Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?
M: Check out the email I sent you last Friday
Sc: I never got it. Blame our server, not me
M: Our system shows that you received & saved the email

Sc: Oh, those figures. I told Bryan to do them. You mean he hasn’t gotten them to you yet? What’s wrong with that guy?
M: Bryan been working on the account for the past month
Sc: Well … (To herself: “Who can I blame now?”)

NOTE: The Scapegoater will stop blaming – temporarily – if given very specific examples of how their mistakes or miscalculations are the real problem. Being direct & clear makes it harder for them to shift blame.

NEXT: Sayings that Misrepresent #1

ACoAs being Scapegoated – GOWTH (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem

 

PREVIOUS : Scapegoat #7a

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


TO WORK ON (cont)
a. BOUNDARIES  / b. PRESENTATION / c. RELATIONSHIPS

d. COMMUNICATION: ASK, ASK, ASK – never assume you know what others are thinking! Be clear about what you want & then speak up using declarative statements – not circling around a topic or issue. To be effective it has to some from the Adult ego state – not the scared or angry kid

• Ask for things you want or need – no matter how small (even if you can get it yourself) especially when you’re overwhelmed. It’s practice for getting help.
• Ask people to explain themselves, don’t assume you already know: “What do you mean, why did you say that…?”

• Ask for information: “How do you do that, where can I find one, how do I get there…?”
• Ask for respect: “Please don’t talk to me that way, thadirect communicationt’s unacceptable, I don’t like it when you_______ ”
• Ask for clarity: “You misunderstood me, can you rephrase, why did you….?”

e. RESCUING: Growing up a frustrated ‘truth-teller’, it’s time to curb your impulse to focus on other people’s ‘bad’ behavior – especially when it has nothing to do with your life.
Being a scapegoat (SC) is a horribly painful situation to fall into for an Empath. To avoid that, empathic SCs must learn to distinguish between your emotions & that of others‘ you may be absorbing. Stay inside your boundaries!

Two ways :
1. Only speak your own truth, when someone’s upset:
Some people will come to the SC to vent or rant about another person or situation, subconsciously trying to lure the SC into picking up sword-&-shield on their behalf.

If you get riled up when listening to them, check with yourself: “Whose emotions am I experiencing?” Your sensitivity will absorb what others feel, & then want to fix it.
You can choose to listen or not – but do not take on their fear, anger or disapproval. Don’t try to rescue or protect other adults. It tends to backfire!

2. Choose the truths you tell, when something bothers you:
Some things are none of our business. Being naturally intuitive & observant, we’re forever on guard for potential danger – to ourselves.
So when we see someone misbehaving (coming to work drunk, stealing, making a mistake….) we get revved up, our anxiety hitting the RED ZONE.
The WIC is desperate to tell the boss, the teacher, a leader….. DON’T.
When it does not affect your well-being in any practical way – stay out of it!

NEW RULE: If the other person’s actions do not impinge on your rights or freedom, it’s best to not say anything. It’s not your job to be a snitch – anymore. Besides, others probably know about it already.
Instead, keep the focus on yourself. Learning to love our Inner Child helps us legitimately believe & accept our value – being gifted, loving, intelligent, sensitive, & for many – highly accomplished.

STOP being a SC at WORK (& everywhere else)
As we recover, we can stay awake for things we still say & do, often subconsciously, that attract negative attitudes from other damaged people, leaving us wide open to their disdain & disrespect.
Almost everyone else also has unresolved issues – not just us. If we push their buttons, or run into an actual personality disorder (which isn’t always obvious at first), we can easily be victimized.

The ‘Golden Child’ at work (see Part 2)stolen wriitng
If you grew up as the SC, you’re likely to be particularly enraged & hurt by the office favorite, who can do no wrong – just like that sibling!

You may have experienced:
• working your butt off only to have some brown-nose narcissist steal all the credit (or your actual work)
• doing the best job possible & watched others be rewarded

• blamed for something that went wrong when you either didn’t do it or were told to do it by the person blaming you.

SCs have a hard time recovering from the early loss, betrayal & disrespect that can get re-triggered at work, the rage making it hard to focus on the bigger picture. (MORE, re.work favorites…..)
ALSO: many book re. Managing Difficult People

NEXT: Scapegoated Growth #3

ACoAs being Scapegoated – GOWTH (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , ,

empowerment

I CAN & AM OUTGROWING
this toxic victim role!

PREVIOUS: Scapegoating #6

 

FOR ALL ACoAs
Emotional damage: Scapegoats (SCs) are forced undeservedly to carry the family’s burden of disowned defects. They drown in the pain of those closest to them, & later in the collective pain of the society – with no one to comfort or understand them

In the process SCs are robbed of experiencing their own pain, denied the opportunity to learn how to contain, endure & grieve the suffering they’ve had to ignore & bury. (What is Scapegoat child abuse?)

No matter what our toxic family role was as kids, many of us tried to bring attention to the family’s dirty laundry, so it would get corrected, but in most cases that never happened. (This is true even if parents or siblings eventually get into 12-step Programs, but still have not done their own FoO work).
We assumed that if we could make the adults own their emotional baggage, our torment would stop & life would be great.
And so we pushed & pushed – but it only got us more abuse.

• ACoAs desperately want justice / fairness! Failing at this childhood goal, some continue trying to ‘fight injustice’ as adults, especially those of us who were scapegoated. We may become ‘expose´journalist, prosecuting attorneys, ‘church ladies’, public service advocates or whistle blowers….

However, most of us live more conventional lives, with little social or political clout. Even so, we compulsively insist that dishonest & hypocritical friends, relative, mates, bosses (& elderly parents)…. admit their flaws. It didn’t work at home, & rarely works in the adult world either. It still brings negative feedback & so another layer of abuse

TO HEAL
Ask: “Am I willing to do whatever it takes to give up my Scapegoat role?” That’s not always an easy Yes, but do-able. Remember, if you continue to be :
😠 belligerent,  demanding, controlling
-OR-
😔compliant, over-agreeable, too silent, submissive or unclear
THEN
👎🏽 it’s easier for others to end up avoiding, making fun of, manipulate or attacking you
That’s even true coming from people who are not usually scapegoaters!  It’s a normal human reacpull out toxic roletion toward someone acting out their WIC’s damage.
BUT – as you heal the inside, you’ll get better reactions from others! Who knew??

• Once you acknowledge this toxic role that was forced on you, & truly believe it was not your fault (Al-Anon‘s 3 As), you can observe how you perpetuate the syndrome, & slowly change the pattern

❇We can bear to re-feel our old pain IF & when we’re comforted, understood & treated with respect by one or more safe & caring people. Then apply that treatment to ourselves.

TO WORK ON 
a. BOUNDARIES: • Don’t expect others to respect your boundaries. You have to set the standard that’s right for you. “This ____ works for me, this ____ doesn’t, I want to do this, I don’t want to do that…..”

• Practice saying NO – at first in your head – a lot! Then try it out on small things you don’t like or don’t want to do – with people or situations that don’t feel TOO ‘dangerous’ if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped.

• Don’t over-give. Offer a little, & then see what & how much the other person can reciprocate. If the can only give 10%, you give only 10-15%, etc. It’s up to you to not get taken advantage of

b. PRESENTATION: ✦ Walk into every room with head held straight, look at people directly, don’t slouch, walk ‘confidently’ – as if you believe you have a right to be here – even if you don’t feekind peoplel like it.
✦ Dress appropriately for the situation you’re in
✦ Look around & notice what’s going on, notice who’s NOT safe (using your inner radar) ….

c. RELATIONSHIPS: Whenever possible, stay away from the people who originally set you up, or who still treat you as the black sheep in any situation.
Look for people who are already kind, or at least respectful.
If you aren’t getting any of your needs met or are treated shabbily, you can walk away.
We MUST keep the focus on ourselves – owning & correcting our own character defects, AND appreciate & cherish our talents & skills.

NEXT: Scapegoated GROWTH #2

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I NEED TO GET IT – 
that their attacks are not about me!

PREVIOUS: Scapegoated (#5)

SITE: Why does a narcissist need to have a scapegoat?

4. CONSEQUENCES for the SCAPEGOAT
5. Scapegoat-ING ADULT

REVIEW: SCAPEGOATING is a way of acting without integrity – the perpetrator (P) slandering another person in order to take the focus off of themselves.
Most family members, if not all, seem to accept it as the normal way to treat the victim – verbally, emotionally &/or physically abusing one child – & look the other way when the Sc is bullied or otherwise mistreated & made the ‘black sheep’.
It’s usually a long-standing pattern in the whole family, perpetuated because it’s experienced as advantageous – to keep the status quo.

💜 HOW were YOU Scapegoated (Sc)?
This list applies to what happened in childhood, but may still be going on, no matter how old you are. You were the Sc IF YOU were/are —
• picked on by either parent to be the ‘bad one’, who looked for things to make you wrong – most of the time unjustified
• put in the role of family outcast, treated with disdain or disgust by family – & then by yourself
• blamed for others’ actions, & held responsible for family problems, conflicts or challenges, that had nothing to do with you
WERE you
• attacked / punished for telling outsiders the truth about abusive, inappropriate & hurtful family dynamics (‘whistle-blower’)
• never believed when telling the truth about things that actually happened to you or around you, even if you had proof
• blamed for &/or punished for what a sibling did, or for the very same things the other kids were allowed to get away with
• accused unjustly, your actions & motives exaggerated or lied about
WERE you
• told or shown that your accomplishments were bad, ugly, unimportant, useless, worthless
• ignored or rejected by anyone who was/is easily influenced by your torturers (in & out of the family), & perhaps still are
• physically abused (slapped, beaten, kicked, thrown against walls….) whether you did something ‘wrong’, but even when not
• repeatedly accused of behavior only the scapegoater is / was doing (More....)
• constantly given contradictory messages or expectations
EXP:
– Parent regularly yelled at you, then accused you of being abusive
– You were being genuinely thoughtful & caring, but told “all you care about is yourself”
– You were the mentally healthiest family member, but accused of being sick, bad, selfish….. Add your own crazy-making experiences

Bill Taylor, of Stressed Health Professionals & Families says: “ One of the most destructive patterns is the scapegoating of a physically or sexually abused child, especially when the mis-treatment is unknown to anyone except the victim & abuser

REACTIONs: Such a victim will often misbehave or be completely withdrawn, take out their anger on others, develop depression or other signs of emotional distress – as a way of handling the anxiety about the abuse.

They are then punished for acting out, by attacks & beatings, which create even more trauma, increasing the child’s misbehavior.
“Most people can’t imagine the daily hell such children or teens suffer from the combination of physical abuse & emotional scapegoating.” (MORE….)

NOTE: The above list applies to many ACoAs, especially in families where all the kids were abused & neglected in various ways.
However, the focus here is on the one – out of a number of children – who is tortured, while the others are treated a great deal better – at leastshouldn"t hurt to be ak id on the surface. (MORE…..)
EXP:
💥 In 1995, 6-year-old Elisa Izquierdo was starved and beaten by her mother while her 5 siblings were left unscathed
💥 7 year old Nixmary Brown was the only one chosen for parental abuse & neglect while her 5 siblings were relatively well-treated
💥 In 1996, Nadine Lockwood was starved to death while her 8 siblings were treated fairly well

💧 Not every Sc is tortured to these extremes, but everyone in a scapegoating family is harmed, even those not directly picked on. Just living every day in a sadistic environment eats away at one’s soul – especially vulnerable, developing personalities. SO – if you were not ‘it’ in your childhood, it doesn’t mean you got away emotionally, psychologically & spiritually undamaged.

NEXT: ACoAs being Scapegoated (Part 7a)

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

pointing finger

 IT HELPS TO KNOW – I’m not the ‘crazy’ on

PREVIOUS: Scapegoating #4

SITE: Scapegoating in Families-What We Need to Know

QUOTE: “Most of the time, victims sense that their attacker is a threat, but ignore this inner knowing.” from The Gift of Fear ~ Gavin De Becker, Criminologist

3. Scapegoat-ed CHILD
4. CONSEQUENCES for the SCAPEGOAT

5. Scapegoat-ING ADULT  (towards a parent, boss, mate, adult-child….) Just las in Double Binds, scapegoating can be called “enemy behavior against an innocent & helpless victim”, because the real source of the abuser’s frustration is
• at themselves, but denying S-H
• at someone else who’s not available to be attacked
• someone in their life who’s unsafe to confront

Their frustration is projected on to others (Thoughts) & then acted out (Behavior), usually a person or group without supporters or otherwise can’t protect themselves.  Even if others observe the abuse, they rarely want to get involved, so the victim stays unprotected & alone.

HABITUAL scapegoaters are irritatingly smug, managing to convince themselves that the way they’re treating the Sc is somehow justified. But behind the facade, they’re actually miserable, extremely dissatisfied with themselves & life in general. It’s expressed as hostility – at the least punitive, at the worst sadistic.

Just like double-binders, they raise themselves up by lowering another person, getting narcissistic satisfaction from being controlling, & some from torturing the Sc. Scapegoating is their self-righteous discharge of aggression, which momentarily frees them from a little of their own S-H & inner powerlessness

Narcissists (Ns being overt, & Co-deps because they’re covert Ns) generally blame their bad behavior – addictions, emotional immaturity, volatility, cruelty – on other people or things (partnersangry-father-scolding-son, children, the weather, the ‘system’….)
They’re master fantasists – no one is better than an N for looking directly at another person & only seeing who they want/need that person to be

EXP: When a N parent considers their child, they see many things: a source of narcissistic supply, an ally or obstacle to their lust for personal power, a string of intolerable annoyances, the inconvenience of the child’s emotions & needs, unwanted personal limitations, someone to rescue & take care of them or to take their frustrations out on…. BUT never the actual child.

Scapegoaters’ main characteristics are cowardice, dishonesty, egotism, immaturity, pride, self-righteousness & weak character, with Borderline, Narcissistic or Histrionic Personality Disorders.
They live through a manufactured looking-good public image they desperately need. ANY truth-telling child or other adult who challenges it risks destroying everything, so they have to be stopped at all costs!

• Scapegoaters are not in touch with most of their emotions, rarely knowing how full of hate they really are. They just feel dissatisfied & frustrated, while ‘blissfully’ unaware of the original source of their hurt & resulting ragecenteroftheuniverse

• Since self-deception is a major trait, the Perpetrator’s (P) drive to displace & transfer responsibility away from themselves may not be totally conscious, which makes it easy to cut off any guilt or shame, & deny what they’re doing.
But even if they do become aware of the actual cause of their unhappiness, they can’t or won’t direct their anger where it truly belongs – usually their original family

• To deal with their deep anxiety, scapegoaters will rationalize that this specific victim \ group is somehow responsible for their frustration.
A perfect candidate can be anyone who reminds them of the person who originally injured them (parents or parent-figures). They look for someone who’s not socially confident, is emotionally over-reactive, anxious & self-hating – which makes them an easy target

• Often the main scapegoater (parent, spouse, teacher….) has a good social standing in their community, & some power. Naturally they don’t want to lose either one – at any price. If the Perpetrator consciously knows the victim is innocent, they may increase the attacks, to keep their house-of-cards standing, & keep the upper hand
• Assistant scapegoaters will also add to the fire, to stay in the P’s good graces, & to never admit they’ve been gullible – being manipulated into blaming the innocent

• In milder cases, occasional scapegoaters can be anyone temporarily angry & dissatisfied, who uses this tactic as a relief valve. If they’re not too damaged they will experience some shame & guilt afterwards, & pull back.

NEXT: ACoAs being Scapegoated (Part 6)