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See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
TO WORK ON (cont.)
d. COMMUNICATION: ASK, ASK, ASK – never assume you know what others are thinking! Be clear about what you want & then speak up using declarative statements – not circling around a topic or issue. To be effective it has to some from the Adult ego state – not the scared or angry kid
• Ask for things you want or need – no matter how small (even if you can get it yourself) especially when you’re overwhelmed. It’s practice for getting help.
• Ask people to explain themselves, don’t assume you already know: “What do you mean, why did you say that…?”
• Ask for information: “How do you do that, where can I find one, how do I get there…?”
• Ask for respect: “Please don’t talk to me that way, that’s unacceptable, I don’t like it when you_______ ”
• Ask for clarity: “You misunderstood me, can you rephrase, why did you….?”
e. RESCUING: Growing up a frustrated ‘truth-teller’, it’s time to curb your impulse to focus on other people’s ‘bad’ behavior – especially when it has nothing to do with your life.
Being a scapegoat (SC) is a horribly painful situation to fall into for an Empath. To avoid that, empathic SCs must learn to distinguish between your emotions & that of others‘ you may be absorbing. Stay inside your boundaries!
Two ways :
1. Only speak your own truth, when someone’s upset:
Some people will come to the SC to vent or rant about another person or situation, subconsciously trying to lure the SC into picking up sword-&-shield on their behalf.
If you get riled up when listening to them, check with yourself: “Whose emotions am I experiencing?” Your sensitivity will absorb what others feel, & then want to fix it.
You can choose to listen or not – but do not take on their fear, anger or disapproval. Don’t try to rescue or protect other adults. It tends to backfire!
2. Choose the truths you tell, when something bothers you:
Some things are none of our business. Being naturally intuitive & observant, we’re forever on guard for potential danger – to ourselves.
So when we see someone misbehaving (coming to work drunk, stealing, making a mistake….) we get revved up, our anxiety hitting the RED ZONE.
The WIC is desperate to tell the boss, the teacher, a leader….. DON’T.
When it does not affect your well-being in any practical way – stay out of it!
NEW RULE: If the other person’s actions do not impinge on your rights or freedom, it’s best to not say anything. It’s not your job to be a snitch – anymore. Besides, others probably know about it already.
Instead, keep the focus on yourself. Learning to love our Inner Child helps us legitimately believe & accept our value – being gifted, loving, intelligent, sensitive, & for many – highly accomplished.
STOP being a SC at WORK (& everywhere else)
As we recover, we can stay awake for things we still say & do, often subconsciously, that attract negative attitudes from other damaged people, leaving us wide open to their disdain & disrespect.
Almost everyone else also has unresolved issues – not just us. If we push their buttons, or run into an actual personality disorder (which isn’t always obvious at first), we can easily be victimized.
The ‘Golden Child’ at work (see Part 2)
If you grew up as the SC, you’re likely to be particularly enraged & hurt by the office favorite, who can do no wrong – just like that sibling!
You may have experienced:
• working your butt off only to have some brown-nose narcissist steal all the credit (or your actual work)
• doing the best job possible & watched others be rewarded
• blamed for something that went wrong when you either didn’t do it or were told to do it by the person blaming you.
SCs have a hard time recovering from the early loss, betrayal & disrespect that can get re-triggered at work, the rage making it hard to focus on the bigger picture. (MORE, re.work favorites…..)
ALSO: many book re. Managing Difficult People
NEXT: Scapegoated Growth #3