ACoAs

PURPOSE of Emotions : PREdiction

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: For Protection

REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrevs.

 


2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS – cont.
c. PROTECTION from HARM

d. To PREDICT BEHAVIOR
• Psychological research has shown that Emotion shapes behavior, perhaps because strong Es reinforce experience. Knowing how someone feels will help us evaluate how they will act.
Everyone has a chronic or habitual emotional state that determines their fundamental & relatively constant behavior patterns. When we experience success or failure in our activities, emotional levels move up or down accordingly, but eventually re-balance, returning to our personal base line.

ATTITUDES (Att) are a person’s consistent evaluation of people, objects, & ideas, based on TEA: T – cognitive, E – affective or A – behavioral. Explicit Att are opinions that people consciously endorse, & can be easily described, whereas implicit Att are involuntary, usually unconscious & therefore uncontrolled. Att can predict behavior if we know which of these 2 categories someone is coming from in a given situation

T.O.M. –Theory of Mind – acknowledges our natural capacity to understand internal states such as beliefs, feelings, desires, hope & intentions. We’re able to create a mental picture of our own Es & reactions, which helps us understand that other people’s behavior is caused by their inner experience. This helps us anticipate & predict some of what to expect from them

• We know that whatever goes on in the mind of others is not visible to us, so the images remain a “theory” we create.  T.O.M. is not a form of mind-reading but rather a way to notice patterns, like putting oneself in someone else’s shoes.
EXP: Even as a kid, you ‘understood’ that your sister would be sad, furious & frustrated with you IF you tore up her favorite dress! And you could also predict how she’d react – yell, hit you, tell your parents, get back at you later – depending on her personalityin your shoes

CHILDREN: A group of Child Psychologists made a systematic examination of emotions & story themes in children’s play time, to see if the combination could provide useful information about their bad behavior (acting-out).
Scenarios made up by 4 & 5-yr-olds, with images of emotional distress & destruction (aggression, personal injury, loss, abandonment…. ), correlated with their actual behavior problems, as rated by parents & teachers.

SALES: Marketing studies have used emotional measurements to see if they could link people’s capacity for persuasion & therefore purchasing decisions with emotional feelings. They concluded that combining emotional responses with other key factors indicate consumers’ true basis for choices. This gives companies an effectively tool for reaching their audience, since Es accounted for 70% of the respondents’ purchasing motivation.

ACoAs: Again, the type of Predicting referred to here is NOT mind-reading, which is based on our assumptions, projections & wishes. Rather, it’s the ability to observe what others are telling us about themselves – which they do all the time – AND recognize what our emotions are telling us about them.

pay attention• As we get to know someone we can make general but legitimate assumptions about how they’re going to react in various emotional states & social situations. It’s up to us to stay awake.
Children figure out how to do this at an early age by watching their parents & others around them, so they know what’s expected of them, how to respond & how to protect themself. BUT we were taught not to trust those observations – so we ignore what we do know, to our detriment!

• Because of this trained blind spot, as a substitute ACoAs try to mind-read what others feel & need, which is always a disaster. We also make the mistake of ‘predicting their behavior’ based mainly on how our parents treated us & each other – instead of responding to who someone actually is in the present.  EXP – If we were —
— constantly neglected as kids we expect everyone will ignore us now
— always scapegoated in the family, we keep ‘seeing’ ways others marginalize or blame us
— usually punished for getting angry, we assume everyone else will also reject us if we express anger….

➼ Yes, we can easily fimind-readingnd people who are just like our family, often choosing & then staying with them because we can act out the Negative Prediction of always & inevitably being abandoned.
However, those types are not our only options.  There are respectful, caring people in the world as well. We have a right to find & be with them – so believe in that Right & keep looking!
✶ Relations are like fish – it’s up to us to pick the ones with the least bones!

NEXT: Purpose – Decisions, #1

PURPOSE of Emotions : PROtection

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Awareness #2

Article: “The World of Feelings & Emotions”

 

2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS (cont)
b. For Self-Awareness

c. PROTECTION from HARM
• BODY – i. Painful Es like depression, hostility, rage, anxiety, worry… have been linked in many studies to heart disease & other physical illnesses such as diabetes, as well as to hospital deaths caused by stroke

ii. Pleasurable Es: A first-time study of ‘positive’ emotions linked to illness concluded that people who are usually happy, enthusiastic & content are less likely to develop heart disease. This was done in Nova Scotia (1995), with 1,700 people who were followed for 10 years.
Dr Davidson noted that the chronically unhappy people had a 22% higher risk of heart attack. Even those with some positive Es we less at risk, & the safest were the overall happy people, even though they sometimes got depressed as well

• MIND – Es give us information about what’s going on around us. We subliminally pick up signals about situations that will produce an emotional reaction, but we can’t always tell what set off our ‘Spidey Tingle’.
We might say: “Something doesn’t feel right about this” or “I had a feeling something was going to happen, & it did” – thoughts based on
physical clues below conscious threshold. PAY ATTENTION!

We need to honor the gift of our intuition & Es – but it’s OK to double check with others. It’s also useful to keep a dated written log every time we’re right – and when we’re not – noting what we think may have made the difference between what we imagined & what actually occurred.  These notes give us much-needed self-mirroring & validation of reality

• ACoAs have a great need for safety – even above love. Not allowed to ‘hear’ our gut feelings as kids, as adults we’re still deeply fearful, automatically projecting our dangerous family onto everyone we encounter or deal with.
Cleaning out back-logged pain opens up the space to identify what’s really going on in the present. That lets us find better ways to respond to “situations that used to baffle us” (AA Big Book Promises), finally creating a truer sense of safety.

• Just because an Emotion hurts does NOT mean it should be avoided!
Unpleasant Es such as fear, anger, jealousy or disgust prepare us mentally & physically to take immediate action against an object or situation that poses a threat. EXP:
painful EsANGER has a lot of energy to protect & preserve life – by mobilizing us, inspiring determination & creative action.
💨 Without it we don’t object to someone regularly mistreating us, so we stay & take it, wearsing down our health & our soul

FEAR is deeply rooted in all humans, supporting life by signaling danger to trigger life-preserving action
🧊 Without it we don’t notice an unsafe person, staying with them & easily becoming emotionally scarred, if not also hit, raped, wounded or killed

SADNESS is a call to slow down, stop thinking, & surrender to what we’re feeling. It suggests that we trust ourself & ‘the process’ enough to open up & be vulnerable, in order to recover from losses
😢 Without it we don’t know that we’ve missed a connection to someone or something that could have been a positive influence

Setting Boundaries (not defensive walls) is imperative to protect our physical & mental health.
To develop appropriate Bs we must have internal permission to all our needs. This requires some self-esteem – by Loving the Inner Child via the Good Parent we have access to a range of Es, which give us cues to:clarity
• who’s too close or too far away for our comfort (to feel suffocated or too lonely)
• who or what gives us the ‘icks’ in our gut when something is abusive, or ‘off‘
• what feels right for us & from whom (touch, talking, info…)
• what feels good, makes us happy, brings joy….

External Bs help define us in relation to everyone else, while also needed as physical & psychic protection. When another person’s behavior causes us harm, our emotions alert us – it we’re paying attention. Once we trust our Es & thoroughly believe it’s ok to speak up for ourself, we can let others know what’s acceptable & what’s not.  Bs can help us choose who we want to spend time with, have sex with, work with, marry …..

Internal Bs are just as important.
🔸 They help keep the PP (Negative Introject) voice from battering us into over-working, perfectionism, S-H…..
🔸 Bs are also needed to prevent the WIC from running the show all by itself, by building the ‘Unit’.
🔸Bs allow us to step back from the force of our damage, actually putting the Child & PP voices outside of ourself – ie. detaching with compassion.  This makes it possible to cope with emotional stressors that come from these 2 ego states by putting their intensity & distortions in perspective.

NEXT: PREdicting Behavior

PURPOSE of Emotions : Awareness (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Awareness #1

SITE: “Benefits of Emotional Awareness”
SEE Acronyms Page for abbrev.
1. SOCIAL NEEDS

2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS (cont)
a. To Feel ALIVE (Part 1)

b. For SELF-AWARENESS (cont)
Because we were poorly mirrored – or not at all – many times the nonverbal emotion-cues ACoAs put out don’t match our insides. It’s inevitable, then, that others will misread & misunderstand what we’re experiencing – adding to our pain & isolation.
EXPs: 
• smiling or making a joke about some painful event in our life
• always acting like everything’s fine, when we’re dying or raging
• acting sexual when actually we’re lonely or need to be acknowledged as a person
• crossing arms, stiff, aloof – when feeling terrified, BUT others read those signs to mean we’re angry or arrogant

Es can not tell us the objective, measurable truth about things that require facts & proof. There are times when we had been right when ‘feeling’ something was going to turn out well or badly.

But much of the time, what we’re so sure is intuition or strong emotions will convince us that all our ‘feelings are facts’, but are actually the WIC’s anxiety or fantasy :
“I love him, so he’s definitely a good person , I feel scared so I just know she’s dangerous , I hate them because I’m sure they hate me!”…..
While our emotions are always valid, most are old abandonment pain or FoA, the fear of loss, & generated by THOUGHTS, as in Toxic Beliefs.   (see POST “Feelings Aren’t Facts”)

• Also, not having “feelings” about something doesn’t mean it’s forever lost to us. We may say: “I don’t feel a connection with a H.P. anymore,  I’m not upset about them leaving,  I don’t feel sexual anymore” ….. example of B & W thinking.

It could be that we need hormonal or other medical help, OR that we really are “over it”, but usually it means we’re so emotionally numb that we’re temporarily out of touch with the energy flow that keeps us connected to ourselves, our spirituality & to others.  Doing some  Emotion Release work – with or without help – can reconnect us!

Es are an important part of our physical mechanism that tells us who our True Self is, at our core.  Most of us are trained out of this knowledge early on, but we can find our way back by using the vibrational feedback system of our Emotions!

Think of this energy as the signal strength on your cell —
• the less aligned we are with healthy self-value, the weaker the signal strength. The less of this energy we receive, the worse we feel, to the point of becoming powerless, afraid, vulnerable, depressed & out of control.
We can get so far away from the signal that – not only can’t we hear it, we don’t even look for it!

• the more aligned we are with our True Self & Higher Power, the stronger the self-esteem, the clearer we can feel the energy of Love – first for ourself, from others & then for others (not from FoA or Co-dependence)

Even with all the trouble that normal living brings, our natural state is to be happy, curious & creative (watch little kids, before they’re damaged!). This state is what we need to recapture from our earliest years, OR heal enough to experience for the first time.
• ACoAs can be warm, dry & full of food & still be unhappy – stuck in old trauma pain – where everything is equally raw.

But if we’re focused in the present the strength of our Es can let us know when we’re miserable or just uncomfortable – such as when —
— someone’s actually harmed us vs being cranky & tired from over-work
— a specific need is missing in our life vs one that’s temporarily unmet
—  we’ve lost a loved one vs lost an argument…..

• So feeling genuinely pleased, content, relaxed…. indicates that, at least for the moment, some of our needs have been met, whether short or long-term, & we can be grateful
EXP: Chaz Bono talks poignantly about being unhappy his whole life until his sex change. He always knew he wanted to be a boy & now that he is – he’s more at peace with himself.
The rest of us may have less dramatic needs to fulfill, but they are no less important to our well-being!

NEXT: Es – for PROtection

PURPOSE of Emotions : Awareness (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

EMOTIONS GIVE IMPORTANT INFO
– how I feel & respond to the world

PREVIOUS: Communication #2

Review post : “Getting to our Es – Over”

SEE Acronyms Page for abbrev.

1. SOCIAL NEEDS

2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS
a. To Feel ALIVE
The over-all purpose of Emotions (Es) is to experience & get the most out of life.
They are spontaneous responses to everything inside & outside of ourself. They’re what make us feel alive – both the thrills & chills – telling us who we are BY how we feel about our experiences. The more an event or person means to us, the more intense our emotional response to them.

“NORMAL”:  A healthy, integrated life includes having access to a full range of Es. They are meant to surface temporarily & then pass thru us, so we can feel other ones as we go thru our daily routine. When an emotion is experienced to the fullest & allowed to run its course, it dissolves like smoke but remembered with a smile – even if it was unpleasant !

positive psych• Positive Psychology tells us that psychological satisfaction & well-being come from participating in activities that boost pleasant Es, which then allow us to discover & use our character strengths & virtues.
It offers 4 broad pathways that can enhance these Es, in order to experience happiness more often – PATH OF : joy & pleasure, love & relationships, peace & tranquility, hope & resilience

DAMAGE: Without Es we would be like robots (“Computer Role”). Anyone who is physically healthy but emotionally cut off has trouble identifying with other people’s feelings, & so can do a lot of harm – usually unaware.
If someone’s damage is not too severe (like NPDs & psychopaths are) their emotional numbness can be modified, if they’re willing to do the ‘thawing out’ work.(Secretly angry ‘nice’ people)

A medical parallel can be made with autistic people, who have a disability in recognizing facial & body cues. (“The Body & Es, Part 2”) This limits their capacity to identify Es in others & therefore hard to make ‘normal’ emotional attachments & social connections.
However, autistic people do have feelings, & if taught early in life to identify physical cues, they can lead more satisfying lives, & others will be more comfortable around them.

b. For SELF-AWARENESS
The “Self-Perception Theory” & “Cognitive Appraisal Theories of Emotion” suggest that we figure out how we feel about things, by staying awake & observing ourselves. This allows us to access Inner Guidance, using Es as indicators of what’s good & bad for us, & therefore what our needs are

But each person differs in the amount of the ‘things’ that suit us, so that some people require more sleep, stimulation, space, quiet…. than others. One person may need freedom & independence while another security & continual social connections. Some may have a need to ‘understand’ life & satisfy a great curiosity, while others are content to accept whatever they’ve been taught (EXP :  “The 5 Love Languages“)

Es also alert us when any natural, normal need is not being met. They are a signal for us to pay attention & deal with the lack – hopefully by doing something appropriate & empowering. So, when we feel:
• lonely – we’re not connected (enough) with others
• afraid – we don’t feel safe, for self or loved ones
• rejected – we aren’t being accepted, respected, valued….

REALISTICALLY, we would’t fare well in life without any Es
– How long could we physically survive if we never felt fear?
– Why would we want to apologize for hurting someone if guilt was not available?
– How could we miss the company of others if we couldn’t feel loneliness?
– Why would we want to help someone in dire need, without empathy?3 Es

ACoAs grew up in environments where our Es were constantly minimized, invalidated & punished, making is very hard to get our legitimate human needs & distresses taken seriously.
It taught us to not trust our feelings, nor believe in the right to have needs, even though they never go away – until met. (EXP: You’ll feel hungry until you eat, be tired until you sleep, scared until comforted…)

🔸In reaction, some of us increased the intensity of our Es & how we express them (dramatically, which is not crazy), desperately trying to be heard.
🔹Others decreased the strength & expression of most or all Es (withdrawn & invisible), making it hard to be seen & appreciated, leaving us even more emotionally ‘starved’!

NEXT: Awareness #2

PURPOSE of Emotions: COMMUNICATION (Part 2)

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IT’S GOOD TO SHARE MY FEELINGS –
it keeps me connected

PREVIOUS: Purpose – COMMUNICATION, #1

 

1. SOCIAL NEEDS (cont)
a. BASICS
b. HOW & WHEN

c. EMOTIONS affect COMMUNICATION
• FACTS are a type of communication ‘channel’ for presenting ideas, plans & goal. Info stated clearly ensures that we’ll be correctly understood.
But communication also has an EMOTIONAL channel.  Es change people’s outlook on facts, so someone who’s sad tends to see problems as risks in the world, while a happy person mainly sees opportunities & potential rewards

• We signal our Es via verbal & nonverbal language (“Emotions & the Body”posts). When there’s a difference between the 2, observers usually respond to the nonverbal portion. Es help us communicate with others:
∇ We can talk about a painful experience in a calm, rational ways – but show distress on our face or with body language – & we’ll get a response to the visual cues first
∇ If we look sad or hurt, someone may think we’re signaling for help, & an angry face will tend to keep others away.having an effect

Why we don’t Communicate Es:
Protecting Others: afraid we could hurt or upset someone
Social Expectations: which shape how we feel & express them
Social or Professional Roles: If it’s not appropriate, based on our role or position
Vulnerability: not wanting to give others info that could affect how they see us

• Being social creatures, clear expressions of emotion have an automatic effect on others, & healthy people are interested in the emotional state of those they care about.

When deeply into a certain mood, elated or depressed, others will be able to picked that up rather quickly.
Talking to someone who’s depressed can make us feel depressed too. When talking to someone who’s happy & confident we might notice that we feel good about ourself as well – but both are short-term

This inter-active response is especially obvious when someone famous & charismatic comes in to a room – everyone’s drawn to their emotional energy, even before the person says anything.
It’s also why we feel scared watching horror movies, seeing actors portraying fear through gestures & facial expressions

d. COMMUNICATION affects EMOTIONS
Every communication has an emotional context & sub-context, which can be used to create emotional responses in others.  News media, powerful speakers & successful advertisers embed key emotional phrases in their presentations, knowing it’s an effective way to manipulate their audience.

😗 But we also consciously let ourselves be moved by things we know are untrue – seen by how avidly we gobble up all kinds of fantasy media, because of the emotional impact it has on us. The best works of fiction not only communicate interesting ideas but also pull at our heart-strings

Communication is always wrapped in some Emotion :
• If you talk about your extensive accomplishments in a dull, flat voice, the audience will loose interest and not take you seriously
OR they may get worried, wondering what’s wrong with you, since you should be expressing joy, excitement & pride – not disinterest
• Conversely, an enthusiastic salesman can spin such a clever pack of lies that we end up longing for (& buying) their worthless products (as in late-night infomercials)!

The Right kind of communication has a direct & powerful effect
i. With ourselves
• dialoguing with the WIC in a loving way will often bring calmness
• writing in a journal can organizing our thoughts & get us in touch with hidden Es
• picture having a positive conversation with someone – to solve a dispute, apologize for a difficulty, to add something we forgot or neglected to say earlier….

ii. With Others
• when we’re troubled, talking to a sympathetic person who gets us can change our mood rather quickly – even when they don’t have much to say
• a nonverbal expressions of caring – a reassuring touch, a hug, holding hands – can make us feel so much better
• when sharing an important experience we may unexpectedly get choked up, adding weight to the topic
• expressing joyful Es to others can make them feel even deeper

NEXT: Purpose of Es – Awareness, #1

PURPOSE of Emotions: COMMUNICATION (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Purpose of Es- SURVIVAL

SITEs:  FACE DATA
(Psychology, Appearance & Behavior of the Human Face)

 

1 . SOCIAL NEEDS (cont)
a. BASICS
EFFECTIVE Communication isn’t just about exchanging information – we also need to understand the Emotions behind the facts.
This requires skills in reading nonverbal cues & practicing attentive listening, which will  :
— help to deal with present-moment stress
— give the capacity to understand our own Es, &
— recognize those of the person we’re talking to,
without needing to have them spelled out for us

Growing psychological research suggests that the role of language may run deeper re. emotions than previously thought. The things that people say affect our feelings, & we can describe them with words, once they’re felt.
EXP: One study limited participants’ understanding of emotion-words by minimizing their intensity – such as “disgust instead of anger, fear vs sadness ….  which later led those people to identifying strong facial expressions of Es (wrinkled noses, scowls, wide eyes, frowns) as merely unpleasant.

Interesting for ACoAs
🔸IF the meaning of emotion words is a basic part of identifying nuances of emotional facial expressions,
🔹AND IF a child is not taught words for a wide variety of feelings, as telegraphed on other people’s face & by body posture,
♦️THEN it’s not surprising, as adults, that ACoAs have trouble picking up on the fact that other people are communicating emotions, much less which Es show on their face

Ineffective Communication of Es
Counterfeit Emotional Language seems to express emotions without actually telling us what a person is feeling.
— Shouting “Leave me alone!” doesn’t identify the Es causing the reaction. (fear?  overwhelm?  frustration? anger?….)
— It’s also counterfeit /  dishonest / incomplete to say “That’s just how I feel” without connecting behavior to Es 

Not Admitting Es : words that disown personal responsibility “You make me angry” , instead of “I feel angry when you don’t text when you say you will”…..

Generalities: “I’m upset / freaked out / triggered” suggest emotional sates, but are too vague. Air you Happy-freaked, Scared-freaked, Angry-triggered….?

b. HOW & WHEN emotions are communicated are regulated by social & cultural norms, so that even minor violations of the rules governing emotional responses can cause serious problems for us, whether personal or in business.
rules• Other studies have shown that when emotions are intense, the part of the brain controlling higher reasoning tends to shut down (frontal cortex), which is unfortunate because that’s when we need it most.
However, in emotionally charged situations, IF we know ourselves well & can ‘stay present’, still be able to think, & therefore have more control over our actions.

We learn to communicate Es FROM:
• Framing Rules, which define the emotional meaning of a situation (DB -Frames post)
EXP: In some cultures funerals are sad occasions, & it would be in bad taste to treat it like a party (WASP). In others, a funeral is a time to rejoice & celebrate (Irish).

• Feeling Rules : Societies try to keep order by controlling emotional expression, telling us what we have a right to or are expected to feel in specific situations. These identify & perpetuate cultural & moral values, & the roles assigned to various groups.

EXP: Societies that emphasize individuality allow the feeling of pride in personal accomplishments, while those that value cooperation encourage expressions of humility or self-effacement, no matter how great the work being done (West vs East)

• Emotion Work: This is the ‘internal self-awareness work’ also called “Self-regulation”, which helps to manage one’s own feelings – a conscious effort to keep relationships going well.
It’s about the thoughtfulness & self-restraint we use when considering what Es we outwardly express in a current situation, especially when considering which Es may or may not suit that specific event (a church service vs a rock concert….).
EXP: We feel guilty if we start socializing too soon after the death of a loved one. On the other hand we’re negatively judged if we mourn a loss too long!

Normally we make these determinations based on what we originally learned at home, as well as from the larger culture we currently live in.

NEXT: Communication #2

PURPOSE of Emotions: SURVIVAL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

WE HAVE EMOTIONS FOR GOOD REASONS
– so now I welcome & work with them!

PREVIOUS: Repressing Emotions #2

Review post : “Getting to our Es – Under”

PURPOSE
✥ Do you know what to say when you hear someone insist that emotions are a waste of time, unreliable, too much trouble? The next several posts will give important reasons – biological, personal & social – why we have them!

SOCIAL NEEDS
1. For SURVIVAL
• That’s the evolutionists’ answer. According to their theory, animals are aggressive & self-conscious (compared to rivers, mountains, plants….which have also survived) & humans are the most self-conscious, making us increasingly invested & crafty in our efforts to endure.
Over time we developed a wide range of Es & a complex rational thinking system, which allowed us to imagine our own past & future selves, giving us preeminence over fauna & flora. ‘”If you want to create a system that works hard to survive, make it be conscious and emotional. It will want to keep itself around!’”Es for survival

• Researchers believe that Emotion, rather than logic, is the driving force in the human brain. Studies show that Es are responsible for neural integration – linking various brain functions (talking to each other) by tying together physical, cognitive, sensory & social processes, keeping us sane, healthy & functioning effectively

• Robert Plutchik, of the Emotion Wheel, wrote that the purpose of emotions is to form behavioral interactions between a person & a stimulus – event, thing or another person – so that when Es are acted on (correctly, of course) it brings the person back to a state of equilibrium — feeling ok / safe
EXP: You’re in the woods & see a bear loping towards you. You’re very afraid. The fear makes you run away, so the emotion served to produce an action that saves your life. You’re then returned to a calm state (eventually).

2. For CONNECTION
• Humans are fundamentally social animals, needing to rely on each other for survival. So we not only have personal feelings, but also social Es deeply embedded in our nature for connection.  Es motivate & organize individual behavior & social interactions, as well as facilitate communication.  Social needs include acceptance, prestige & access to certain people, events or resources, & provide a mirror for our feelings, attitudes & realitybelonging

• Belonging to a group or community gives us a sense of identity.
Researchers found that people are happier when they’re with others rather than too much alone – & the “boost” is the same for Introverts & Extroverts (only the quantity & time amount differs).

✶ Loving relationships are important to our well-being & happiness because they’re comforting. It creates the psychological space & safety to explore & learn, which builds inner resources for those inevitable times of difficulty.
AND the positive effects are long-lasting. Strong emotional support also reduces immune system abnormalities that contribute to various stress-related disorders.

EXP: The success of the many 12-step Programs (AA, GA, OA / Al-anon, Gamanon, Oanon….). The Al-Anon closing says: “The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you.”

Emotions that serve social functions:
social Es• Guilt (not the ACoA type) is legitimate when we’ve done something inappropriate or hurtful, that motivates us to make amends (AA’s 8th & 9th Step)
• Responsibility (not co-dependence) to keep us from harming others, or to help where needed….
• Altruism, going beyond passively ‘behaving’ oneself to not cause social problems, but rather to actively participate in groups & organizations that provide relief for the needy & suffering

3. For UNITY
• Because Emotions are universal, the ‘positive’ ones may help overcome prejudice & divisions. Tragically, even fatally, many cultural, religious & political beliefs separate us. But Es – such as empathy, cooperation, forgiveness & heroism – can help.
Unifying Emotions:
fun singing• Caring: listening to concerns of others helps them feel understood & valued
• Faith: a Spiritual belief providing wise rules (of right & wrong) can connect us to like-mined people
• Music (& other art forms) emotionally link artists & a wide public
• Laughter: a universal language that makes people feel good
• Love: fostering acceptance, compassion, education, responsibility, understanding, & spiritual growth.

NEXT: For Communication, #1

REPRESSING Emotions (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Repressing Emotions #1

POSTS: Secretly angry ‘nice’ people

SITE: “What Is Repression?“

 

DEFs:
Suppression – deliberately trying to forget or push away painful Es or unwanted thoughts (blow them away)
Repression – Unwanted Es & thoughts are unconsciously sunk into a psychic garbage pit (the swamp).

Are you emotionally repressed? (cont)
When asked “How do you feel, ACoAs will typically answer with information (head) rather than emotions (Es). They’ll tell a long story, give an explanation or excuse…… But if asked directly ‘What are you feeling emotionally?” a Repressive will predictably answer : “I don’t know”.

HOW can you tell ?
a. One hint is if you experience everything as rather GRAY. You may only feel a bit off, as if something’s wrong but don’t know what it is. You’re lonely & dissatisfied with yourself, your life & others around you.
It’s like being allergic to something in the air or mold in the walls – it’s making you sick but you can’t see it.
🧎🏽‍♂️You’d benefit from learning to soothe your wounds!

b. Or it’s a deep sense of anger & disappointment, with no immediate or obvious cause. But sitting on decades of built-up pain (frustration, loneliness, rage, terror, sorrow…) is a lot like a normal-looking mountain that’s really a volcano, with gases trapped & bubbling underground, waiting to erupt.
📛 You may want to find the right kind of pressure-valve, with activities that won’t add to the suppression but also won’t harm yourself or others

RESEARCH
a. Many studies have made the connection between suppressing Es and OCD, PTSD, auto-immune illnesses & panic attacks.

b. Other studies have shown that deliberately trying to push painful Es out of  consciousness can lead to a ‘rebound effect’, setting up a vicious cycle :
🗡You have a painful emotion. You try to push it away. That lasts a few seconds – or more  – & then rushes back in
⚔️ This leads to more pain, which you try to push away again….
Since you can’t stop it from repeating, you start mental recriminations “I can’t do anything right, It’s hopeless, I can’t cope, I’ll never get better” ….

PUSHING AWAY
Ways we circumvent Es to hide them under the carpet (semi-conscious) :
• bury anger under a mask of “peace & love – positive thinking” OR hide vulnerability under expressions of anger, cynicism & sarcasm
• compulsive activities – overly busy, on the net too much, excessive tv watching, exercising, dumb-reading, careless sex …
AND:
• ignore or pretend something hasn’t happened that upsets us
• isolate, live in our head – constantly intellectualize / analyze
• keep all conversations superficial, especially around someone who is expressing Es, always make something serious into a joke….
• stuff ourselves with food, or ingest things that dull the mind & senses (sugar, wheat, fats, drugs, alcohol…..)

Re. Women
People refer to ‘being emotional’ as a bad thing. It’s unfortunate that this expression refers mainly to crying or being ‘dramatic’ – as if those are the only emotion people have, even though – when we’re excited, angry, pleased, scared, feel sensual ….. we’re also being emotional!

And even worse, this accusation is targeted mainly at women, who are taught to repress anger, which gets turned in on themself, & then into depression. Outwardly, this can show up as the compulsion to rescue, fix & change the very people who are hurting them, because they don’t have the right to express their outrage directly, or leave.
Re. Men
Men are not supposed to show fear or sadness, or any other form of vulnerability.
But since men have all the same Es as women, eventually their repression can also turn into depression. And since the ‘softer’ Es are often covered over by aggression & busyness, they’re harder to identify. Drinking too much, working all hours, & casual sex are obvious escapes.
But as for male depression, one way to spot it when it’s not obvious, is when they develop a sexual dysfunction with no physical cause, such as lack of libido (loss of interest) or ED.
Of course men can be sexually active & still have walking-depression.

REALITY : “The only way out is thru!” No method of avoidance is successful – emotions do not  evaporate when we ignore them – they just go underground – & fester!

NEXT: Purpose of Es- Survival

REPRESSING Emotions (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

repress EsI HAD to SHUT OFF MY EMOTIONS –
so I wouldn’t go crazy!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions #4

SITE: “I Don’t Want to Talk About it: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression.” by Terrance Real

Resistance to FEELING Emotions (Es)
• The source of personal power is Self-esteem – fueled & sustained by the emotion of unconditional Love – which allows us to feel Pease & Joy. But when we had to shut down our feelings because the pain was too much to handle, we also shut down the pleasurable ones!

Resistance to experiencing our emotions stifles the natural flow of life built into every human being. So it takes a lot of psychic effort to push down Es & keep them down – leaving very little energy left over to function, causing long-term Depression.
This is why ACoAs barely have any reserves to deal with unforeseen events in the present – so much of our effort is used up by our Shadow-storage of unwanted feelings & memories.

Repressed Es get trapped in various part of the physical body & in the layers of the energy body that radiate from our core. Such a backlog can cause holes in our spirit, leaking out vital power, which creates fatigue, vulnerability & low self-confidence!

• Emotions, as such, are never dangerous – only the suppressed ones that have piled up year after year, causing them to fester.
Our body wants to eject emotional poison the same way it does physical toxins. If we don’t allow this to happen they cause PMES damage. In the long run, releasing them voluntarily is best – so we don’t explode all over ourself & others. If we carelessly ‘dump’ our pain on others or act them out in a self-destructive ways, we end up feeling even worse about ourself (more S-H)

The BRAIN: our normal ability to repress emotions comes from 3 general areas : → the mammalian fore-brain, → the reptilian early brain, & → the mid-brain which connects the other two.
To function well we need the capacity to choose how we act on emotions (see posts on T.E.A. & Anxiety). But if our Recovery isn’t far along, sometimes we also need to disconnect, because the panful ones get so intense that our weak self-care gets even worse. SO — bain rooms
• When we want to remember something, we access the information stored in any one of the 3 parts ↑, altho what’s available varies according to which data bank is holding it
• When we want to forget something,, we disconnect the memory links between the fore-brain (thinking) & the other two – creating temporary amnesia (this is normal)

BTW, ACoAs are notorious for having a built-in forgetter as result of trauma, which sadly includes all the good things that happen to us day by day in the present!
The mid-brain, as the go-between, is responsible for keeping it all straight, & does so very well – especially if we live in a ‘civilized’ society.
EXP: Not letting ‘blind rage’ erupt in public prevents getting fired, thrown out & in some cases killed (road rage, gangs…).
Not acting on every sexual impulse will preserve our promise of fidelity to a mate, maintain the family’s integrity, eliminate STDs…..  & potentially prevent getting killed.

Are you emotionally repressed?
Def –  DENIAL is actually : “I don’t know that I don’t know some things about myself, or my family”

• If we wonder what Es we’re denying, there are many ways. We can always start by asking some basic Qs, like the obvious ones :
☞ “What emotions can I name? Which ones do I think I have felt ? (depression, rage, anxiety….?) What am I feeling right now?

From there we can go on to: “What Es am I not expressing?” & then to “If I knew what I was feeling, what might it / they be?”.
☞ If the answer is always the same “I don’t know” – it’s time for outside help (which we can all benefit from anyway), such as 12-Step meetings, therapy, reading, spiritual gatherings, healing groups …..
POST : “Getting to your Es – Over & Under” has a list of tools

NEXT: Repressing Es = Part 2

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions #3

BOOK: Emotional Intelligence, by Goleman, 1995 “…..what it means to be smart

POSTs : “What just happened?”(about a painful event)


Down side of some ‘New Age’ ideas
It can be hard to figure out whether our strong emotional reactions are appropriate for a present-day event OR coming from an old wound. Usually it’s both. The good news is that as we heal & develop our “UNIT” we can begin to tell the difference more easily & more often.
Whenever we find ourself obsessing (mentally ruminating about a hurt), we can start by writing down – briefly – an outline of the situation. Then ask some ‘look inside’ Qs to see what’s behind our reaction (See Part 3)

• Those of us brought up on religious, new age or other spiritual teachings that tells us to always be positive (“Be happy, don’t worry”) have found it impossible to live up to.  It left us hating ourself more, feeling desolate & hopeless of ever ‘getting there’. What many Recovery ‘teachings’ don’t acknowledge is that we need to allow our human side to heal & be nurtured first, before we can aspire to be ‘serene’!

• While we certainly do aim for a balanced & peaceful emotional life, itbad fruit’s not healthy – NOR successful – to just cover  up painful emotions & harmful beliefs / thoughts with a bunch of platitudes & ‘positive thinking’, without first cleaning out old Es & memories accumulated from as far back as infancy

• Charles Whitfield, MD has provided a useful image:
Take a basket of delicious fruit & let it sit for a long time until they rot. Someone comes along & says – “Ugh, that’s gross.  Let’s put some fresh fruit in there. It’ll look & smell so much better!”  So you do that & everything is fine – for a while. After all, it sounded like a good idea, & they were offering it for free.

BUT you added the beautiful fruit on top of the rotted ones without cleaning the basket out first.  Q: What will happen to the new food?
A: After a while the fresh ones will start to rot from underneath!

Obvious? It seems not, since that’s exactly what many people do when they try to layer new ‘positive’ ideas & attitudes on top of all their emotional damage & cognitive distortions. They think they can escape the hard work of Recovery & still be ok!
Human Beings are like that basket – originally holding precious, wonderful qualities & potential. But to survive Alcoholism & Narcissism we had to create a False Self, added Toxic Rules & mixed in a lot of S-H.

➼ In Recovery we gradually ‘take out the garbage’ of our past, replacing it with the ‘good stuff’ we’ve been told about, so it doesn’t get contaminated!  As our Healthy Adult takes charge we start protecting ourselves, while being respectful towards others. We can be definite & clear, getting to the point, asking for what we want —> without being rude or aggressive.

🎯 Practice making declarative sentences so you don’t beat around the bush.
Say “I know he’s being disrespectful”, instead of “I feel like he’s not respecting me” – which sounds as if it’s only your opinion rather than what’s actually happening.

HEALING: When we’re emotionally in pain, the FIRST thing to do for our WIC is comfort him or her. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed at the moment. Only then can we start asking the Checklist Qs in Part 3.

We must and can develop permission to have all our emotions, our human qualities & requirements.  We also need to receive validation (cognitive) & comfort (emotional) from as many people & for as long as we need them – as well as always from our Higher Power. Using all our tools will heal enough of our old wounds so we can tolerate the intensity of old emotions as we re-experience them in Recovery – a little at a time. LOVE HEALS!

NEXT: Repressing Es