Satir’s COMPUTER Role

isolation 

I’M SAFE IN MY IVORY TOWER –
so you can’t touch me

PREVIOUS: DISTRACTER Role

 

 


3. COMPUTERS
(Twisted form of Intellect)
STYLE: About 15% of the population uses this defense
✶ At first glance they may seem poised & self-assured, but do not mistake them for someone who is centered, grounded & calm. If they were, they would radiate presence, warmth, & compassion. Instead, Computers make others feel cold & alone – put off, not understood

• always very correct, very reasonable, very logical & in control – called Mr Cool or Star Trek’s Mr Spock by NPL-ers.
• focus on & prefer context, removing the human element
• don’t show emotions, like machines, are detached, talk in a monotone or with a dry delivery
• never let anyone know what they think or are up to, never commit to a definite position, afraid to make a mistake or not know something

• often make value judgments without indicating whose opinion it is, implying that = naturally everyone would agree
• always thinking or evaluating, holding back, reserved, self-protectivecomputr type
• deflect any responsibility, always dissociated from what’s  going on around them, deny the value of everything except ‘facts’ & logical decisions

• continually in teaching  mode OR withdrawn in contemplation
• can sound like a dictionary, need to use the ‘right’ words as buffers to hide inner feelings:
generalize, omit/ delete parts of a thought, use long abstract words, speak in the 3rd person (“Someone needs to do it”)….. especially when questioned or confronted

• unfortunately considered an ideal for men, who are discouraged to experience & express emotions, so Computers work hard to appear super-cool on the outside, even if they’re churning like mad on the inside.
Good for accountants & bureaucrats

Energetic Description (from Dr.MJ Bulbrook)
• block out others & the context they’re in by creating rigid boundaries.  Spiritually unavailable, or undeveloped with holes
Potential harm to receiver: the shielding energy of the Computer is so strong it likely impossible to have an even exchange of energy. Another’s opinion is not heard or over- ridden without considering their input

Statements: “I am ultra-reasonable, calm, cool & collected. I have all the answers ,  Rational thinking is superior to emotion , Say the right words, with no feeling, don’t react , Perhaps we should take a moment to step back & review the situation”

Stance: They use auditory digital cues (‘analytical disconnected language’)
• talk to themselves, learn things by making sense of them, experience tension in neck and shoulders, can take on characteristics of other Roles
computer brain • body square on or maybe tilted back a little, resting on rear leg
• head level, eyebrows slightly pulled in, arms crossed under chin to prop head up (like the‘Thinker’)
• sit rigidly, not moving a muscle – pushing away feelings & people
• physically isolating themselves from any issue

Gain Power: by pretending to know it all & making the audience seem dumb.  Similar to Blamers, since they both stress their superiority over others
Aim: to provoke envy so others will ally with them, and to be seen as strong (hide feeling weak)

Reacting to a Computer: (via NLP) if you use a Blamer or Placating stance, they will switch to Blamer or Placater. Then you can recalibrate. The Distracter stance usually makes them worse

Reality: Computers feel exposed when showing emotions, maybe because they have  a hard time controlling them. They were probably shamed, blamed or emotionally overwhelmed as kids for having feelings
• When stressed, Computers desperately try to feel secure by intellectualizing everything, to stop from falling apart in case a real emotion ever broke through

Negative: • bore people to numbness by pontificating know-it-all
& using abstract language
• assumed to be cold-hearted & insensitive
• in close relationships, can’t connect emotionally, can’t give love or provide other personal needs – causing many problems & ending up isolated
• male Computers frustrate any attempt women make to communication emotionally, & just can’t understand why “she’s getting so upset when I’m being so reasonable!”

Positive: A good person to go to when needing specific, detailed info on an topic (research, medical, school work, travel…), anything not emotion-related

NEXT: ‘Controlling’ & Abandonment

PURPOSE of Emotions : Awareness (Part 1)

 

EMOTIONS GIVE IMPORTANT INFO
how I feel & respond to the world

PREVIOUS: Communication #2

Review post :Getting to our Es – Over


SEE
Acronyms Page for abbrev.

1. = SOCIAL NEEDS 
2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS

a. To Feel ALIVE
The over-all purpose of Es is to experience & get the most out of life.
They are spontaneous responses to everything inside & outside of ourselves. They’re what make us feel alive – both the thrills & chills – telling us who we are BY how we feel about our experiences. The more an event or person means to us, the more intense our emotional response.

Without Es we would be like robots (Computer Role). A healthy, integrated life includes having access to a full range of Es. They are meant to surface temporarily & then pass thru us, so we can feel other ones as we go thru our daily routines. When an emotion is experienced to the fullest & allowed to run its course, it dissolves like smoke & can be remembered with a smile – even if it was unpleasant !

• DAMAGE: Anyone who is physically healthy but emotionally cut off (‘average’ narcissists & secretly angry ‘nice’ people) has trouble identifying with other people’s feelings, & so can do a lot of harm – often without realizing.
If someone’s damage isn’t too severe (as in NPDs & psychopaths) their emotional numbness can be modified, if they’re willing to do the ‘thawing out’ work.

A medical parallel can be made with autistic people, who have a disability in recognizing facial & body cues. (“The Body & Es, Part 2) This limits their capacity to identify Es in others & therefore to make ‘normal’ emotional attachments & social connections. However, autistic people do have feelings, & if taught early ipositive psychn life to identify physical cues, they can lead more satisfying lives

Positive Psychology tells us that psychological life-satisfaction & well-being come from participating in activities that boost pleasant Es, which then allow us to discover & use our character strengths & virtues.
It offers 4 broad pathways that can help enhance these Es, in order to experience happiness more often:
Of joy & pleasure, Of love & relationships, Of peace & tranquility, Of hope & resilience

b. For SELF-AWARENESS
“Self-Perception Theory” & “Cognitive Appraisal Theories of Emotion” suggest that we figure out our Es – by staying awake & observing ourselves. They provide us with inner guidance, internal indicators of what’s good & bad for us, & what our needs are

But each person differs in the amount that suits them best, just as some people require more water, food or sleep than others. One person may need freedom & independence while another security & continual social connections. Some may have a need to ‘understand’ life & satisfy a great curiosity, while others are content to accept whatever they’ve been taught

Es also alert us when any natural, normal need is not being met. They are a signal for us to pay attention & deal with the lack – hopefully something appropriate & empowering. So, when we feel: 3 Es
lonely, we know we’re not connected (enough) with others
• afraid, we know we don’t feel safe, for self or loved ones
 rejected, we know we aren’t being accepted, respected, valued….
We couldn’t appreciate life if our emotions disappeared:
– How long could we physically survive if we never felt fear?
– Why would we want to apologize if guilt was not available?
– How could we miss the company of others if we couldn’t feel loneliness?

ACoAs grew up in environments where our Es were constantly minimized, invalidated & punished, making is very hard to get our legitimate human needs & distresses taken seriously.
It taught us to not trust our feelings, but it didn’t take away those original needs!
In reaction, some of us increased the intensity of our Es & how we expressed them (dramatic – but NOT crazy) , desperately trying to be heard.
Others decreased the strength & expression of most or all Es (withdrawn & invisible),  making it hard to be seen, leaving us even more emotionally ‘starved’!

NEXT: Awareness #2