Satir’s COMPUTER Role

isolation 

I’M SAFE IN MY IVORY TOWER –
so you can’t touch me

PREVIOUS: DISTRACTER Role

 

 


3. COMPUTERS
(Twisted form of Intellect)
STYLE: About 15% of the population uses this defense
✶ At first glance they may seem poised & self-assured, but do not mistake them for someone who is centered, grounded & calm. If they were, they would radiate presence, warmth, & compassion. Instead, Computers make others feel cold & alone – put off, not understood

• always very correct, very reasonable, very logical & in control – called Mr Cool or Star Trek’s Mr Spock by NPL-ers.
• focus on & prefer context, removing the human element
• don’t show emotions, like machines, are detached, talk in a monotone or with a dry delivery
• never let anyone know what they think or are up to, never commit to a definite position, afraid to make a mistake or not know something

• often make value judgments without indicating whose opinion it is, implying that = naturally everyone would agree
• always thinking or evaluating, holding back, reserved, self-protectivecomputr type
• deflect any responsibility, always dissociated from what’s  going on around them, deny the value of everything except ‘facts’ & logical decisions

• continually in teaching  mode OR withdrawn in contemplation
• can sound like a dictionary, need to use the ‘right’ words as buffers to hide inner feelings:
generalize, omit/ delete parts of a thought, use long abstract words, speak in the 3rd person (“Someone needs to do it”)….. especially when questioned or confronted

• unfortunately considered an ideal for men, who are discouraged to experience & express emotions, so Computers work hard to appear super-cool on the outside, even if they’re churning like mad on the inside.
Good for accountants & bureaucrats

Energetic Description (from Dr.MJ Bulbrook)
• block out others & the context they’re in by creating rigid boundaries.  Spiritually unavailable, or undeveloped with holes
Potential harm to receiver: the shielding energy of the Computer is so strong it likely impossible to have an even exchange of energy. Another’s opinion is not heard or over- ridden without considering their input

Statements: “I am ultra-reasonable, calm, cool & collected. I have all the answers ,  Rational thinking is superior to emotion , Say the right words, with no feeling, don’t react , Perhaps we should take a moment to step back & review the situation”

Stance: They use auditory digital cues (‘analytical disconnected language’)
• talk to themselves, learn things by making sense of them, experience tension in neck and shoulders, can take on characteristics of other Roles
computer brain • body square on or maybe tilted back a little, resting on rear leg
• head level, eyebrows slightly pulled in, arms crossed under chin to prop head up (like the‘Thinker’)
• sit rigidly, not moving a muscle – pushing away feelings & people
• physically isolating themselves from any issue

Gain Power: by pretending to know it all & making the audience seem dumb.  Similar to Blamers, since they both stress their superiority over others
Aim: to provoke envy so others will ally with them, and to be seen as strong (hide feeling weak)

Reacting to a Computer: (via NLP) if you use a Blamer or Placating stance, they will switch to Blamer or Placater. Then you can recalibrate. The Distracter stance usually makes them worse

Reality: Computers feel exposed when showing emotions, maybe because they have  a hard time controlling them. They were probably shamed, blamed or emotionally overwhelmed as kids for having feelings
• When stressed, Computers desperately try to feel secure by intellectualizing everything, to stop from falling apart in case a real emotion ever broke through

Negative: • bore people to numbness by pontificating know-it-all
& using abstract language
• assumed to be cold-hearted & insensitive
• in close relationships, can’t connect emotionally, can’t give love or provide other personal needs – causing many problems & ending up isolated
• male Computers frustrate any attempt women make to communication emotionally, & just can’t understand why “she’s getting so upset when I’m being so reasonable!”

Positive: A good person to go to when needing specific, detailed info on an topic (research, medical, school work, travel…), anything not emotion-related

NEXT: ‘Controlling’ & Abandonment

PLACATER Family Role (Part 1)

Placater 

I CAN’T STAND DISCORD –
I have to make nice

PREVIOUS: Hero Role

SITE: Conflict Styles

 


❧ PLACATER
 Role  – a Twisted form of Service
Combination of the Satir & Wegscheider versions

Placater’s GOAL
Provide soothing to make others feel better about themselves & better in general

PURPOSE

For Self: try to not keep getting abandoned, to feel safer/not get hurt & be loved, by calming everyone, preventing conflicts or any overt expression of anger
For Family:  When parents are impaired in some way, they become a surrogate. Born negotiators, they seem to have an uncanny ability to ‘read’ what others are feeling, but at their own expense. Learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations & take responsibility for everyone’s pain & emotional well-being

BIRTH ORDER: can be oldest child, usually the girl
IN SCHOOL : very compliant, well-liked, so-so students – preoccupied with other’s problems rather than studying
FAMILY TREATMENT
Used as the family social worker, inappropriately told all the adult’s problems, ‘valued’ for not being any trouble

DEFICITS
Few self-protective boundaries, don’t have a clear identity of their own, are not in touch with their own emotions & needs, so can’t get them met, are ‘lost’ without someone to please or fix

BELIEFS:placater girl
FROM: “If I’m nice, everyone will like me”
“Don’t rock the boat”
“If I focus on someone else, it won’t be on me & that’s a good thing”
“If I take care of you, you won’t reject or leave me ”
“I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. I’m here to make you happy.”

TO: “It’s ok to have a focus of my own”
“I am likable without having to take care of others”
“I don’t have the power to keep someone with me, but if they stay it’s because of who I am, not what I do for them”
“I can do whatever suits me best, in all situations”

Placater DEFENSES
• Develop a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, will take the blame for things not their fault (ironically), thereby protecting others from taking responsibility for their choices & actions
• Main concern is on themselves & how they’ll be perceived. They react to stress or ‘uncomfortable truths’ by trying to avoid it, sometimes going to extraordinary lengths to avoid confrontations
THEY:
• May sacrifice themselves – are willing to lose so others can win
• Efface & belittle themselves, while inflating others, to get brownie points & stop possible aggression.
• Actually believe they care so much about others & that no one cares for them. Can be great listeners

EMOTIONS
Frustrated rage, fear, powerlessness, low self-esteem, guilt. Show shame via victimization, depression, perfectionism

COST TO SELF
Deep sense of not being good enough just as they are, or the right to get equal attention & caring from others.  Denying personal needs, they’re unable to receive, have ‘false’ guilt, a great fear of conflict & anger, are hyper-vigilant with high anxiety

AS ADULTSover-giving
They’re often in abusive & one-sided relationships (with spouse, children, friends, bosses…), constantly giving without getting anything back.  Are overly responsible so become excellent enablers, marring addicts or other ‘broken’ people. Often choose careers as helping professionals, which can reinforce the tendency to ignore their own needs, such as social workers, nurses, therapists…. (more likely in ‘supportive’ positions, so not often male doctors)

PARENTS CAN HELP CHILD
TO: Allow the child to focus on themselves and not others, separate their personal worth from doing/ care-taking, help them to focus on Self instead of others, learn to express emotions & playing

BY: Validating P’s intrinsic value (being vs doing), helping them develop ability to take care of & prioritize needs for themselves (when child IS helping another – ask them what he/she is feeling at the moment)
• Parents (P) talk about & act in ways that reinforcing that prove the adults can take care of themselves & other family members, so the child can relax

NEXT: Placater #2