ACoAs

ACoAs: Healthy RULES & Lessons (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

  new life“AND NOW, PRESENTING…. –
a new life, a better life !!”

PREVIOUS: Heathy Rules, #2

SITE: Healthy Family Rules

 

 

MORE GOOD Rules
As mentioned in the last post, these statements are to help the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent parts of our psyche to learn better ways to take care of our Inner Children. Each statement can be used as an inventory:
a. Resistance:
• why do I NOT want to include them in my life?
• what do I think will happen if I follow these ideas?
• what do I need to give up in order to incorporate them?
b. Willingness:many Qs
• what do I need to have / do, before I can use these positive rules ?
• how can I implement these concepts into my life?
• who can I ask for help with them?
• who do I know who already lives them?
c. Results:
• what happens when I do act on these statements?
• how is it different from what I assumed or projected?
• what do I need to do, to increase these principle in my life?
OF COURSE – If you can add questions to this list – please do.
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NEXT: Safe & Unsafe People

ACoAs: Healthy RULES (Part 2)

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Snever give up
YEAH. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE! — Will you take care of me, Good Parent?

PREVIOUS: HEALTHY RIGHTS (#1)

SITE: How To Never Give Up On… (CHART)

 

HEALTHY RULES
Part 2 & 3 list statement that have been accumulated from years of Recovery experience. They’re geared to the Healthy Adult / Loving Parent parts of our higher self – so we can know how to take care of our wounded and healthy Inner Children, in the best possible ways.

❀ YES, we have a broken heart!  What’s more painful to a child than not feeling loved by their parents?   BUT NOW – to be happy, we need to:
• accept who our family really was & is
• believe in every fiber that we did not cause our abuse & neglect
• accept that now we’re individually responsible for our life
• know that we have the ability to outgrow much of the damage, but not all completely
• consistently apply mental health truths to our life

❀ We all live by rules, whether we like to admit it or not.
• Some ACoAs were so neglected they think they weren’t taught any rules.  No, not good ones, but we did pick up all the Toxic Rules!
• Others of us were so constricted by rules & regulations, we nearly choked to death on them.
In either case we tend to shy away from rules, or have a raging hatred for them. And yet we are run by the bad ones, as long as they stay hidden and we don’t challenge them.

❀ So here are a few Healthy Rules to try out & apply to our every-day living.
Think about each one, carefully.
Pick one & try it out for a month. See what happens. Then try another….
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NEXT : Healthy Rules & Lessons, #3

ACoAs: Healthy RULES / RIGHTS (Part 1)

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JUST THINK, I COULD’A HAD A ….
no, not a V-8! …a lot of Love!

PREVIOUS: Toxic Family  Rules

 


Q: What is the one & only source of self-esteem?
A:  Unconditional LOVE (acceptance, regard, respect, mirroring…)

EARLY: Heard a million times or not, it’s not trivial or a platitude
• The child’s brain develops its pathways using repeated experiences. If those experiences are disparaging, punitive, painful, limiting – then that becomes the norm for us when an adult
• Children look to their parents to tell them who they are and how they should act (guidance & mirroring). If the messages are negative, then the child’s self-image will be negative

Healthy Parental Love… (acoa website SiteMap, pgs 4, 18, 33, 62)
… does not mean giving the child everything it wants. Boundaries are imperative!
… doesn’t mean sacrificing everything for the child.  Kids need to see parents having a well-functioning life of their own which they can emulate
…. is provided by a ‘good enough’ parent, not a perfect one. Kids need to know they too don’t have to be perfect. Unconditional love is unconditional, not idealistic

NOW: Since ACoAs can’t change how we were raised –
• It’s not easy to change the old messages because we have to form new brain pathways, & the old ones are very deeply etched. That’s why repetition is so important
• We need to find all the possible ways to develop self-esteem
BOOK: “Compassion & Self-Hate” ∼   Dr.T.Rubin

• The most successful way for us to change is to learn how to communicate with & comfort the WIC, becoming the Loving Parent & Healthy Adult most of us never had (the “UNIT“)
BOOK: “Recovery of Your Inner Child” ∼ Lucia Capacchione

•  2-way conversations with the IC needs to be daily! It doesn’t have to be complicated or clever. Do you only talk to people you live with (have lived with) once every few months?
• At first you may find yourself very resistant, making excuses, think you can’t…. Yes – it’s a new language, & like learning any new language, it takes time, practice & more practice.  Don’t let the Negative Introject stop you from creating a better life

EFFECTIVE:
• The statements listed are sometimes called affirmations or mantra. ACoAs who are comfortable with the familiar ones – can use them if they resonate, since they ARE true. Whatever works to heal is valuablecomfort the kid
• However, many of us have heard platitudes from family, relative, school, religious communities, school… which didn’t mean much then because they weren’t backed up by ‘right-action’. They were substitutes for genuine communication & genuine emotional connections

• That’s why some ACoAs are frustrated with pre-packaged affirmations, since they don’t address our specific experiences & personality. We were SO unseen & unheard that now we have a desperate need for all communication to be accurate – down to the smallest word! – called “exquisite empathy”
We may prefer to create our own sayings, in exact response to the negative voice & which represent genuine caring for the WIC

• Keep in mind our IC is very smart, & won’t tolerate b.s. Don’t say: “I’ll always take care of you… be there for you… every thing’s going to be alright…” and then forget to talk to the kid for the next weeks or months, let the Bad Parent take over, not take proper care of yourself, let others walk all over you or keep on people-pleasing…. !
You must become trustworthy for the IC to listen & believe you!

EXERCISE:  Write out one of your Toxic Beliefs
• Then create as many counter statements as fit.
Put it aside, sleep on it, & go back the next day (or when you can), & see if you agree with your ideas, or have come up with others.
• If you’re completely stuck, ask someone safe for options. Sometimes watching how good parents on TV talk to their kids – can be good models.
BUT – try it out on yourself first.

EXP: Neg from WIC  – “ I can’t do anything right!”
Pos from Good Parent – “You / we can do some things very well, somethings so-so & some not at all.  If you want to know how to do X we can try to learn it. OK, Little One?”
Ask yourself & the IC:  “What would you have liked to hear back then – & now?”
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NEXT:  Healthy Rules (Part 2)

ACoA : TOXIC Family RULES

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Screen Shot 2015-07-09 at 12.10.53 PMTHEY DESIGNED MY STRAIGHT JACKET –
I’m gonna need some help getting it off!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Helping (Part 2)

SITE: Dysfunctional Family (Wikipedia)

 

RULES: No matter what our family environment looked like, all ACoAs have gathered a litany of TOXIC RULES, which we follow ‘religiously’, even well into Recovery – but hopefully less so with growth!

We absorbed these Toxic Rules from family, school, our community, religion…. They are the underlying beliefs the WIC is absolutely convinced are the absolute ‘truth’ which we are obligated to obey – on pain of death (abandonment)- even if we disagree or hate them. Notice the contradiction & conflict. No wonder we say we’re confused!

The BE and DON’T lists are the short forms, & just mirror opposites. Below are the expanded ones.  This is by no means complete. Each of us can have variations or additions.

INVENTORY: How do we know what our rules are?
a. Overview
As you read thru these lists – notice the ones that hit you the strongest. If you’re new-ish to recovery you may not recognize that you have more of them than you first think. Still confused?
✶ Ask yourself, & then siblings, mate, friends, therapist … for suggestions

✶ Do a Life Inventory, in 3-5 yr increments, listing all the major events you can remember – things that were important, relationships, when you started & stopped things, schools, moves, births, deaths …. choices made, opportunities we didn’t take…..
12065669231219144528Anonymous_work_in_progress.svg.med— Don’t go into detail. Just list things in one sentence each
— Notice the recurring themes, patterns, avoidances… What good things are missing?
— Ask : which toxic rules might your patterns represent?

b. Details
• Pick any one of the phrases that rings a bell & write what comes up.
— Where did you learn this? Who in your family exemplified it?
— How do you act it out in your life?
— How do your friends, lovers, bosses… express it?

• Take it very slow. Spread this exercise out over months & years, if needed. Maybe just write a little & go back to it when you have more info about yourself & your history
GOAL:
• See the toxic family rules you’ve been following – so clearly – that you won’t be fooled any longer into thinking they’re legitimate!
• Slowly disobey them by changing your behavior, an action at a time, a day at a time.

In the beginning – when you do some inventorying – you’re likely to feel fear & guilt. Those emotions prove you’re doing the right thing for your healing. Don’t give up!
• To orient yourself toward healthier goals –  pick out some Healthy Rules that fit your situation, & mindfully, deliberately, use one or more as often as you can (every day, a little?)

✶✶ Breaking family rules can create a lot of anxiety, as the Negative Introject will try to guilt you into returning to the fold – like good sheep.
So the work must be a slow & gentle but with steady process – with lots of support (Al-Anon as one of many resources)

If you read many other posts on this blog, you’ll see references to “Toxic Rules” over & over, so this post will give you a context for thinking about all the other topics & as you work with them. (Post: “Why Are You Stuck?“) .

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NEXT : Healthy Rules, #1

What is Self-Control ? (Part 6)

dmtorbi ACoAs

self-controllingI’VE ALWAYS HAD to CONTROL –
everything – to feel safe

PREVIOUS: What is S-elfControl, #5

POSTs : Healthy UNIT – Adult & Parent

QUOTE: “Wealth is not about having a lot of money. It’s about having a lot of options”.  ~ Chris Rock

To IMPROVE Self-control (S-C), especially in difficult situations, it’s relevant & important & to have as much info about the PPT involved.

So when trying to understand or decide what to or not to do/say –
First : step back & do a quick mental OVER-VIEW
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 6.44.01 PMa. Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees, ie. consider the ultimate goal or big picture of the situation you’re in

b. Look at how your actions fit into the overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose in your life, NOT just a specific instance or action. Don’t just stare at a detail in front of you (“But he said…., they ignored me…..), getting lost in something that bothers you or that may be out-of-place.

UNDERSTAND :
• One instance of an issue or topic does not give enough info about its purpose or definition, so using it to ‘carve it in stone’ is faulty thinking (a CD),
➼ AND only focusing on a specific example or instance prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations. This limits our ability to understand what causes our actions, & so to be in charge of them.

EXP: When a person is asked what they think something means such as “What is the purpose of Guilt?” // “What is Self-Hate” ….
— the inevitably answer is given as an example of it:
f037577c507f4276e7a115a8ac21f596“Feeling bad about something” // “Being hard on oneself”….
— rather than its basic definition, its meaning, or what it’s used for.
Solution:
Think of a Definition or Purpose of a topic as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom) Then you can list as many different examples as apply – cat, horse, bird, elephant, crock….(the Species)

HEALTHY S-C is NOT ABOUT:
• asking for permission to be who you already are. But it is respectful to ask – if you’re ‘impinging’ on someone’s rights, or if you need to give them a choice about something
• being any healthier than you are, in order to have good things in life
• knowing everything or solving every issue (not be perfect)
• arguing your point – unless it’s really important, especially when it’s clear someone is not open. You don’t have to be right, & don’t have to prove it when you are
If we push & push to be understood by unavailable people, we just make a fool of ourself (Article re. being in control, w/ Biblical references)

STRENGTHEN S-C by engaging your ADULT
INSIDE:
• every morning look in the mirror while washing & teeth-brushing, & think of 5 things you value about yourself – no matter how imperfect!
• be honest, & be true to yourself. Realize you’re important, & never believe or accept anyone saying or implying that you aren’t
AND
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.40.31 AM• focus on what’s important to you, putting your all into those things – rather than into any that aren’t relevant or worthwhile
• be happy with yourself, focus on what you can change, and ignore what you can’t (either not right now – or ever)
• make the best of the life you have, changing the things that are harmful & eliminating things that are a waste of time/energy
OUTSIDE:
• always remember your best qualities & skills, what makes you valuable & unique, so you can be your best Self in the moment
• organize the important things you need to do each day, & keep a positive (“can-do”) attitude in your work place
AND
• try doing things the way you want to, instead of letting others influence you to do it their way, or distract you from your goals
• when someone is mean to you (by action/ words), stick up for yourself, with assertive “I” statements, coming from your Healthy Adult
• remember to be polite, & look at things as possibilities (WikiHow) which
YOU CAN be in control / in charge of your life.

NEXT: Toxic Family Rules

What is Self-Control ? (Part 5)

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Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.44.34 AMIT’S MUCH BETTER FOR ME – to be in control, than to be controlling

PREVIOUS: What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

SEE post: ‘ACoAs Acting controlling’

QUOTE: “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

SELF-CONTROL  and PRESSURE
1. Neutral: No Pressure – a free environment with no competition, where you can do whatever you want. Self-control is based on however you feel at the moment. With no one else to compare to, people will be more -or- less motivated, depending on the urgency of whatever they’re doing, or their ability to self-motivate

ACoAs – re.‘ Neutral’, children left too much on their own, without guidance or boundaries, can end up floundering, lacking self-motivation. Notice : now with open chunks of time we say “I don’t know what to do”,  OR “I have so many things I could do / should be doing – I don’t know which one to pick”.
So we end up wasting the opportunity by doing nothing or just puttering around. Then we feel frustrated & upset with ourself.

2. Negative: Bad Pressure – In a judgmental & prejudicial environment with no competition, people can get depressed, unmotivated & lose self-control.ocer-control
REVIEW: Emotional Power over others and
Emotional over-Control of oneself are similar because they :
• both try to unfairly influence inner feelings, beliefs, attitudes, values
• are inappropriate internal strategies for dealing with issues, conflicts or mistakes
• are less obvious than physical methods, being manipulative, sneaky, dishonest
• produce subtle results (harder to catch), BUT ↓
• can be identified by resulting signs — depression, discouragement, emotional suppression, insecurity, low self-esteem, negativity & pessimism

3. Positive: Good Pressure – Being in a competitive but non-judgmental, non-prejudicial environment which helps people become motivated, inspired & gain self-control, making them want to be like others around them

STUDY from Humboldt University, Germany:
Broad styles of emotional control can be identified early in life.  This study followed children for 19 years, starting at age 4, then divided them into young people who were –
a. Under-controlled:  disagreeable & lacked self-control. “When feeling frustrated they acted aggressively towards others, n spite of the negative consequences.”
who's in chargeb. Over-controlled: emotionally brittle, introverted, tense, quiet, self-conscious & uncomfortable around strangers. Who “… control their emotions too much, so are less ‘natural’ & spontaneous. Being slow to warm up, they are seen by others as shy.”

c. Resilient (balanced): self-confident, emotionally stable, with a positive orientation toward others. These were “good at modulating their emotions, interacting with others & bouncing back from adversity”

✳️ One observation from the study was that – “compared to the resilient children, the other 2 types took longer to move into adult roles, such as leaving home, starting a romantic relationship or finding a career. Accomplishing these milestones requires social adeptness that the over- & under-controllers take longer to develop….”

COMMENTS : Types a & b are likely the result of unsafe childhood experiences combined with each child’s native style of emotional reactivity. This affects brain chemistry, & therefore how we react to life as adults. Regardless of which underlying personality type we’re born as , pre-Recovery ACoAs are rarely Resilient, but more likely over- or under-controlled, from childhood trauma.

⚡︎ ⚡︎ SO : coming from a turbulent, dysfunctional home, the Impulsive child can easily turn out to be the trouble-maker or drama-queen, AND the Shy one ends up isolated, depressed & marginalized (Scapegoat or Lost Child)

Resilience : by comparison, coming from a safe family, Extroverts can grow up to be dynamic go-getters AND Introvert become the quieter ones who successfully use their influence & skills in-the-background.

STUDY – by Jerome Kagan, from Harvard U,  His team used MRI scans to show that the brains of young adults – who were identified as being shy when toddlers – worked differently than the more Extroverted ones when they were small.  Of course, there are many other factors, including class, that make a difference in how children mature.

Ultimately, healthy Self-control is a combination of:
• being in charge of your WIC – by forming a relationship with him/her, so your UNIT is the stronger voice – reasonable, trustworthy & KIND
• AND stopping the PP from bullying the Inner Child into staying hooked by the family disease, who will either rebel or fold in reaction.

NEXT: What is S-C ?  (Part 6)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

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head or heartI CAN CHOOSE TO DO THINGS
that are good for me & are suited

PREVIOUS: What is Self-control (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Control is about POWER – to make someone do or be what we want. When applied to ourself – that power can be either –
• a defense to deny our pain, which is debilitating & destructive, OR
• to heal & nurture ourself, & express our best to the world

Healthy Self-MANAGEMENT (S-M) is not limiting or rigid, but rather providing the stamina to keep going & the ability to handle stresses with flexibility. It relies on the same willpower as rigid self-control, but instead is channeled to :
a. prevent us from doing whatever is unsuitable & harmful to ourself, OR
b. delay instant gratification & pleasure, in favor of some greater gain or for more satisfying results at a later time

VALUE of S-M. It allows us to :
a.  • obey legitimate rules & laws
• avoid talking or acting impulsively
• overcome being stuck or procrastinating
• prevent self-destructive patterns (addictions…)
AND
b. continue & finish internal or external projects, even after the initial rush of enthusiasm has faded, or when they get too boring or too hard

Having S-M means WE:
• are in present-day reality, which includes owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our Rights, options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/ illusion)
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right places
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourself & with others

HEALTHY GOAL
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 8.11.47 AM🔸To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone else run ours – we must be our own Motivator, which is not selfishness but the opposite of co-dependence.

Being responsible for our own life also includes :
🔹AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over____” other People, Places & Things
🔹AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….

Having choices does fit with the Serenity Prayer:  “God grant me:
1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
2. the courage to change the things I can
3. and the wisdom to know the difference”

ACoAs are too long on a. negative self-discipline & short on b. healthy self-control, which is available by developing the “UNIT”. At first “a.” may seem like a good thing – because it’s supposed to keep us from doing actual bad or wrong things (which it can also do) – but that’s not the main way we use it

Instead, what ACoAs often do is to keep ourself from developing healthy T.E.As, but are in fact many positive ones DIS-allowed by our Toxic Family Rules.
EXP : Thinking for ourself, having opinions, standing up for our rights, Leaving bad situations, following our bliss, Feeling our emotions, relaxing, being happy, having fun ….

✶ Actually, just because many of us start out as under-dogs, it doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being empowered can be every ACoA’s goal, deciding for ourself how to act from an inner place of certainty & serenity.
😠 And for those of us who don’t like the word CONTROL – we can say : being in charge, living in our Adult Ego state, taking responsibility, being our own motivator!….

So, how in charge are you of your life – actions, career, emotions, health, home, finances, relationships, work life…..?
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting CDs  – our self-defeating self-talk – can extend the ability to be in charge of ourself, to keep our focus & have better self-care.

• Reasonable adults respect others who are in control (C) of themself & their life. Being respected is one of our many rights – the opposite of being shamed .  As we develop & honor our True Self, we will be respected by others more often if we consistently handle what WE CAN, as in line 2 of the Serenity Prayer, & relinquish / let go of the demand to control what we do not have the power to do.

NEXT: Types of Self-Control (Part 5)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS : What is Self-Control ? (#2)

SITE: HAPPINESS IS SIMPLE: Why too many choices make life miserable & ways to improve your life!

QUOTE: “A tongue has no bones but is strong enough to break a heart. Be careful with your words.”~ Anon


1. OBJECTIVE Control
Whatever is measurable, & psychologically or practically achievable – given the person’s age, genetics, native abilities & leaned skills.
However, the perception of control (whether accurate or not) influences people’s behaviors and emotions more strongly than actual control.

a. INTERNAL Locus of Control – what we believe causes the outcome of situations : Outcomes are within our control, determined by our attributes, decisions & hard work.  Believing in the ability to control outcomes is required in order to be successful in life, as long as it’s based in reality.
❣️ Overall, such people are happier & more successful. They come from families who emphasize effort, education, responsibility & thinking, AND where parents are warm, supportive, encouraging, who give their children the rewards they promised & are consistent in self-discipline. (Quiz at MindTools)

Psychologists generally attribute one of the following broad causes / reasons for being able to achieve goals or accept rewards :
– Internal Stable : self-determined by the person’s own ability & personal mastery “It’s due to me”   (MORE…. re. ‘Locus of Control’)
– Internal Unstable : rewards are based on how much effort were put out, & for how long
• ‘Internals’ know they generally have control in life, & specific control over areas such as health, intellectual functioning, memory & relationships.
They tend to be highly motivated to achieve, are not very outer-directed, & believe they’re able to successfully take actions that are required to reach their goals

2. PERCEIVED Control : the person’s belief about the likelihood of positive or negative outcomes in various situations. (‘generalized expectancy), based on the degree of internal control they have.  Regarding external support – it’s our evaluation of the effectiveness of rewards or benefits provided by our environment.

This is based on who’s sitting at the internal ‘control panel’ of our life, which has a great impact on our physical & mental health.
The value of our efforts will depend on —
• Contingency: deciding if a particular outcome is controllable or not
• Competence: thinking that we’re capable of creating a desired outcome OR if we can avoid / suppress an undesirable result or not

b. EXTERNAL Locus of Control
externalsBelief : Outcomes are outside our control, determined by ‘fate’, independent of our decisions & hard work (belief of most ACoAs). Western culture is so focused on DO-ing – that we think of any topic only in those terms

‘Externals” beliefs about reaching a goal or receive rewards:
– External Stable : comes from objective task characteristics & the level of difficulty, OR outcome created by powerful others “It’s due to them”
– External Unstable: based on chance, fate, karma “It’s just luck”

Such people tend to be more stressed & prone to clinical depression. FoO sources : Social limitations increase their expectation of being out-of-control. More often these people are from a lower socio-economic level, may come from a single parent family headed by a woman, a parent is an active addict, &/or who themselves ‘externals’

REVIEW : Many unhealed people have the Illusion of Control, assuming power over people, places & things – which they do not actually have. This attitude is a type of fantasy & narcissistic grandiosity, used as a band-aid to cover S-H & powerlessness. It drives symbiotic, co-dependent ACoAs to believe they can do the impossible (EXP : stop someone from ____), a way to avoid working on their own damage!internals

At the other extreme – ACoAs who Delay Gratification by Over-self-control :
Researcher David C. Funder observed that people who keep putting off getting a reward for their efforts (like many ACoAs) are not actually better at self-control. For them it’s more about self-deprivation, being compulsively ‘disciplined’, deny having choices, & unable to be flexible! (More …..) 
➼ Ironically, this way of functioning is definitely a loss of control – ie. NO choice! AND it’s obeying the Toxic Rule:  “You have to struggle but never get there”!

✶ With Recovery, ACoAs come to understand, accept & implement our Internal locus – #1a. While no one has 100% control – over everything – contrary to some Teachings, AA’s Step 1 reminds us: “We admitted we were powerless over____”.  To believe otherwise is arrogance!
See 3 Cs’ of Al-Anon and the Serenity Prayer.

NEXT: What is S-C #4

What is Self-Control ? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I’M MOST IN CONTROL
when I don’t follow the pack

PREVIOUS: What is S-C (#1)

POST : Letting go of being controlling

 

1. Q: What do most people think ‘Being IN control’ is about?
A:  That it’s ONLY about taking actions instead of freezing up or being indecisive.
This comes partly from our culture, which constantly tells us to “Just do it”, & partly from the alcoholic / narcissistic family that only focused on DOING, rather than Being or Feeling!

It’s considered about “keeping it together, not letting ’em see you sweat, being cool, not needing anyone or always the center of attention….”.  This attitude is seen as a virtue, but is actually over-controlling oneself – from the WIC, or being controlling – from the PP, both fueled by deep & pervasive old terror.light camera ACTION

2. Q: What identifies as “Being OUT of control”? 
A: Most people will say it’s ‘loosing it’ – by expressing some intense emotion, like yelling (rage, frustration) or crying (pain, sadness)

By itself this is not loss of control. It depends – are you OK no matter where you are & how other people react? Have you chosen an appropriate place to let loose? such as Outdoors vs a small public place indoors, at a Meeting vs dumping on a child or mate?…..

a. Out-of-control Doing – is words & actions that you can’t seem to stop, no matter how harmful – such as willfully trying to befriend someone in a group who is obviously ignoring you &/or clearly angry & volatile!

EXPs: ☛ being a know-it-all, smarter that everyone, showing off
☛ being rebellious, still doing the opposite of what the adults demanded
☛ constant drunkenness, domestic violence, self-cutting, repeatedly getting fired OR not working at all

⏬ HOWEVER : Not being able to act is just as much a lack of control as compulsive behavior. Negative actions and non-actions are both driven by the WIC’s anxiety which we’re not aware of or not in charge of modifying.

b. Out-of-control Not Doing – Unable to act in our own best interest
EXP : ☛ hiding out, isolating, staying invisible, withdrawing
☛ withholding, giving the silent treatment, judging, manipulating

Scenario:  Staying- staying-staying, stuck in your chair – at a party where your alcoholic boyfriend is deliberately ignoring you while flirting with his ex! – you can’t bear to leave him behind with someone else.
Everyone sees what’s going on – making a fool of yourself by not leaving, but you’re paralyzed. While you can’t ignore one more indignity from him, the pain of betrayal & loss has triggered abandonment shock!

HEALTHY ‘Being in CONTROL’
It’s true that children in healthier families also have limited control over their life growing up, but sadly, ACoAs had almost none.
So – the KEY to healthy control (ta-da) is you HAVING a CHOICE!
IT
• allows us to know what our needs are, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific personality & current life
• comes from our True Self, which includes the ‘UNIT’ , allowing us to be comfortable in our skin. It’s NEVER about being perfect!
IT
• requires that our childhood rage-level diminishes enough so we don’t take our hurt & desire for revenge out on others
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, having gotten a lot of our sorrow & rage out safely
IT’S
📍 about knowing when to do or say something & when not to, as in “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”
📍 HOW, when & where  we express our emotions
📍 having good boundaries – inside ourself, how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us
📍 taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate, picking the things that suit us from available options

• Sometimes it’s taking a risk to act on your own behalf, for someone you love, or for the greater good. This is not impulsive / compulsive
AND
• Sometimes it’s holding back, waiting, being patient, listening, taking time to process & plan. This is not passivity or waiting to be rescued.
Either way – it’s always about having a choice. It is wisdom. It is self-esteem. It is S & I.

NEXT: Self-control. #3

What is Self-Control ? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

in controlWHO MOTIVATES ME – Others or myself?

PREVIOUS: Let go of Controlling -#3

POSTs:Personal Responsibility

☆ The UNIT:Healthy Adult, Loving Parent


SELF- CONTROL 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —-> lead to —-> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Def. of CONTROL, from the dictionary: to direct, command, exercise authority over -OR- to hold back, curb, restrain —> oneself or others.

PURPOSE of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or reach a delayed gratification
OR delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
DEF: ☀︎ to hold in check or curb (the WIC & PP ?)
☀︎ to exercise restraint or direction over something or someone
☀︎ to eliminate or prevent the spread of something (our damage ?)

ACoAs – Healthy S-C is very hard to achieve as long as:S-H
• the WIC is the ego state in charge of our daily emotions, actions & reactions
• we obey the Toxic Rules, suppressing our True Self
• externally, we stay symbiotically attached to our family
• internally, we continue to obey the Negative Introject (PP)

SELF-CONTROL (S-C) is about harnessing our willpower to accomplish things that are generally regarded as desirable & highly valued by society, including our personal long-term goals. As adults, we’re responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.) to the extent that it’s in our power, which is not always possible.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom, social vs private interactions…. but the need for S-C applies to everyone. However,
it’s harder for us to maintain it IF we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not also willing to govern themself. (MORE…)

skillsHealthy families help their children to develop this skill as part of their over-all training.  In adults – developing S-C requires a lessening of anxiety, & is motivated by a clear, conflict-free desire to stop harming oneself or others. Practice & perseverance are required, but it gets easier with repetition.
S-C  IS:
✱ not an inborn character trait that would automatically allow us to govern our thoughts, emotions & behavior
✱ a skill developed through education, social interaction & conditioning
✱ built up by the process of ‘stalling, distracting & resisting’ negative urges
✱ quite complex. It requires that we stay awake so our functioning is based in the present, not from trauma & Toxic Rules
S-C IS 
✱ internal mastery – by monitoring thoughts, regulating emotions, setting goals & making responsible choices. This allows us to moderate / manage competing activities, desires & urges
✱ the ability to make choices & decisions that benefit ourself, & then others. This requires knowing & honoring who we are – our abilities & experience, needs, preferences & tastes

✱ an important part of a cluster of fundamental internal resources (our core character, courage, determination, endurance, faith, purpose…. ) which do not disappear, even when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation
✱ requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychological experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion
S-C
✱ becomes self-discipline when we have to apply intentional effort. When practiced habitually for some time, it can become a character trait
✱ becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes & mental discipline needed to use SC
✱ becomes a virtue when we resists temptations in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual growth & transformation.

VALUE of Self-Control – it allows us to:
• be a responsible & trustworthy human being
• be in charge of our moods & replace negative beliefs – to keep in check self-destructive, addictive behaviors & obsessive thoughts
• eliminate feeling helpless & having to be inappropriately dependent on others
• be in overall charge of our life = gaining self-esteem, confidence, balance, inner strength,&  a sense of personal mastery
• have enough mental & emotional detachment to give us peace of mind

NEXT: What is Self-Control (#2)