Month: August 2017

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

WHAT A CONCEPT : Honest doesn’t mean hostile.
Pleasant doesn’t mean passive!

PREVIOUS: P-A ACoAs (# 2)

SITEs:” Emotionally Volatile People”
• “Difficult People & how to Handle Them”

REVIEW (cont)
1.The GAME // 2. WHO plays the game

3. CAUSEs of the game
ACoAs ; from our family, school, religion…. we were NOT allowed :
• to be angry, to the point of not even knowing we are!
• to know what we wanted, how we felt, what we preferred (being too much of an individual got smashed – so it left us confused)
• to ask for anything (don’t bother them)
AND
• were taught to never put ourselves first
• always had to always be perfect (no mistakes) – so better not choose anything
• no matter what we did, we were punished, so we couldn’t win
• safer to not be too visible (in a dangerous family, & later in abusive relationships)
• taking any risk was discouraged, made fun of, punished (so now we can’t risk ‘failing’ & being disappointed)

4. EFFECTs of the game, as the P-A
a. Negative Benefits – WE DON’T have to :
• figure out who we are, what we want & need
• disobey any of the toxic family rules
• admit we’re angry, even raging, underneath
• stand up to the ‘control freaks’
• make a mistake & deal then with consequences
• AND we get to blame others when something goes wrong, & maintain the illusion of superiority

b. Negative Consequences of being P-A :
• always feel scared of disapproval & losing people (FoA)
• it increases our Self-Hate & Loneliness 
• lose out on many opportunities to grow, to be heard, to have fun
• make other people mad at us, a lot! for forcing them to carry all the responsibility & then getting blamed
• never get what we really want, unless by accident or by luck
• we are dis-empowered, lose self-esteem, stay a victim, are infantilized, stay mute, don’t risk anything

4. HEALTHY
a. General: We need TO
• identify all the ways we were hurt as kids, including the specific messages we still obey, like ‘don’t feel’ , ‘don’t talk’ (Toxic Rules)
• prevent the Wounded Inner Child from running our life BY growing a Healthy Adult & Loving Parent  (the UNIT) who can make executive decisions about how to own & fulfill our needs
• book-end with the IC, to outgrow living in the past. If done consistently, it will teach the WIC the difference between what’s possible & real in the present, vs the way it was in our dysfunctional family

b. For Passive-Aggressives – we need TO:
• keep a safe distance from anyone who is easily provoked to anger
• own our hidden resentments, anger, rage, bitterness
• learn safe ways of discharging rage, & healthy ways of expressing it to others, when needed
• practice saying what we need, want, like, prefer – to find out that nothing bad happens to us or others
• stop looking for other people to be in charge of our life, tell us what to do, make our decisions & choices

➼ Practice making ‘I’ statements every day, silently to yourself, so it gets easier & easier to say out loud:  “I want… I need… I don’t like… I’d rather…  that’s not for me… ” UNTIL it’s your new norm!

c. For Volatiles – we need to:
• accept that the rage is legitimate, but our actions are not always healthy
• find out what’s under the rag e: the reality of child abuse & neglect we lived thru, and the pain it created
• become safe enough to feel what’s underneath – grief, sadness, loneliness, hurt, sorrow, vulnerability Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.24.27 PM.png
• learn calming techniques (bio-feedback, prayer, poly vagal exercises, visualizations…)
• own our Inner Sadist: make friends with it, but never let it act out
• work on getting rage out in safe, appropriate places (therapy groups, 12-step programs, doing rage-work at home, drawing, writing….)

➼ Practice comforting & mentally holding the WIC, so he/she doesn’t feel so alone with all its pain.  Give yourself permission to cry – it is not a weakness – no matter what our family taught us!  Crying clears out toxins & releases pent-up emotional stress. It’s very necessary!

Realistically, while P-As can definitely work on having permission to express anger & rage, it’s usually up to the V. to STOP the game, stop reacting to / expecting (anything) from the P-A. Maybe even having to leave!

NEXT: Qs – Are you P-A?

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

 

I’M NOT ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY
– but you are (lucky you)!

PREVIOUS: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs (#1)

SITE: “When your Defenses lead you into trouble“

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


REVIEW – (cont)
1.The GAME

2. WHO plays the game (Chart – slide #7)
a. P-As always look for & often find another person who is overtly angry / volatile* (V.) to play the game with – no fun being stuck with all that UN-expressed rage alone! (See: Inter-personal games, Eric Berne).

As adults, they desperately need to maintain their illusions of being perfect, in the faint hope of getting or keeping their parents’ approval, being taught that strong emotions are considered dirty, messy, dangerous – even murderous! Being P-A is another unsuccessful way of denying intense fear of abandonment

b. ✶ Volatiles need P-As (for their part, or the game wouldn’t work) :
• it gives them an excuse for letting out some of their rage ‘legitimately’
• it’s much safer than aiming the rage at the real target – their family
• the rage makes them feel powerful, to cover vulnerability & emptiness
• both Vs & P-As are addicted to finding someone they can act out their childhood ‘story’ with. Vs are used to being disappointed, too, & P-As do continually disappoint! It’s their trade-mark, & it can be used to identify them.
• sooner or later, usually later, it’s inevitable that Vs get angry, raging, even nasty at P-As – out of legitimate, intense, longstanding frustration at the P-As’ tactics!  Of course: Vs have to stick around for this! They’re part of the game.

DIRTY POOL – P-As unconsciously, sometimes knowingly, will find & use ‘available’ Volatiles as their own personal pressure valve – as if getting the V. to explode with rage would relieve their own pent-up hostility. When Vs get angry, P-As get very self-righteous. They feel victimized & cry: “I haven’t DONE anything!  Why are you attacking me?
SO THEY CAN
• Accuse Vs of being controlling, even though they set the V. up TO:
— take care of them emotionally & practically
— vent their anger/rage for them
— make all the decisions in the relationship!
— use the V a substitute for the original harmful parent

• Make Vs the crazy or bad one (instead of themself), of being abusive & unfair, of reacting to ‘nothing’. That way the Vs can be ‘the monster’ for pouring out that vile stuff (anger) which P-As are terrified in themself.
They can continue to feel superior & ‘clean’, keeping their ‘good-child’ status. After all, P-As can point to being easy-going, never raising their voice or letting out that ‘nasty‘ anger – right?
➼ BUT that is exactly the point – they don’t DO many things that are their responsibility.  P-As make other people responsible for decisions they should be making themself, (even if they like the ones being made for them). They neglect to ‘show up’, hold up their end, be an equal partner or peer – ie. an adult. P-As stubbornly – yes angrily – demand to be rescued, never not expressing their needs / wants.

• THEN, if /when something goes wrong – when they don’t like the choices the V. made for them, or are disappointed with the outcome – they can blame the other person & continue to play the victim.

• AND P-As can say to the other person: “YOU’RE so controlling!” (& unspoken: “I hate you”). Wow! How dishonest.
✶ BUT if the V. stops playing the game, the P-A may finally tip their hand – if only briefly – showing the true rage behind their mask

EXP: Mark (P-A) & Sandy (V.) meet at a classical concert & become art-loving, theater-going friends. Mark regularly says self-deprecating things that are clever & funny, & Sandy obliges by laughing.
After a few months Sandy becomes increasingly uncomfortable with her complicity in Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 12.04.49 AMMark’s self-hate. The next time he makes a crack about himself – she doesn’t laugh & is quiet. He gets annoyed & indirectly insults her for not responding ‘correctly’.

Later he buys her a B/day gift which deeply offends her artistic & Christian values – an ugly-made goddess statue – knowing her religious background! She can’t imagine his intention – but is outraged. She instantly blows up at him & gives the gift back. Naturally he’s shocked & insulted. After all – it was well-meaning. Instead he mails her a self-righteous note, asking “Is that any way for a Christian to act?”.  End of friendship! Sandy feels ashamed for blowing up but also relieved to get away.

NEXT: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs, (Part 3)

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,


YOU’LL NEVER SEE HOW ANGRY I AM –
I barely know, myself!

PREVIOUS: P-A ‘nice’ comments

SITE: Constructive, Passive & Aggressive Leadership styles

 


REVIEW
1.The GAME (Post: How its played)
a. DEF : Passive-Aggressive ‘Personality Disorder’ (PAPD)
A 2-handed ‘game’ which always requires the Passive-Aggressive (P-As) person & the Volatile (Vs) one to react (in ‘Games People Play’ – audio – by Eric Berne)

✰ web-MD …. apparently compliant behavior, with intrinsic obstructive or stubborn qualities, to cover deeply felt aggressive feelings that cannot be more directly expressed….

✰ Wikipedia ….. a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes & passive, usually disavowed resistance … expressed as learned helplessness, procrastination, resentment, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible….

✰ DSM VI …. the behavior often reflects an unexpressed hostility or resentment stemming from a frustrating interpersonal or institutional relationship on which an individual is overly dependent

✰ The Straight Dope …. people who suffer from PAPD expect disappointment, and gain a sense of control over their lives by bringing it about.Screen Shot 2016-06-14 at 11.09.50 PM.png

b. ACoAs: MANY of us grew up in one of 2 emotional climates :
✶ emotionally volatile – being around loud, hyper, dramatic, raging parents / relatives – which has made some ACoAs emotionally gun-shy. We had to sit on our own anger – there was so much flying around, and we didn’t want to be like them, so we shoved our rage into a huge locked room & tried to throw away the key. But now it comes out sideways!

Screen Shot 2016-06-14 at 11.00.40 PM✶ emotionally repressed – the other extreme found some of us in a family of uptight, buttoned down, emotionally cut-off, perhaps P-A types, who made a point of suppressing any intense emotion in their children. They may have believed it was ‘spiritually correct’, or they just didn’t want their own repressed pain to get triggered, &y didn’t have the skill/ tools to deal with ‘big feelings’ from their kids. We either copied their style or became ‘dramatic’ & over-reactive to everything.

• Both styles have deeply effected our relationship to anger & rage.
IMP: These are normal human EMOTIONS (Es), which are just forms of energy & by themselves are not dangerous or bad.
✶✶ What to watch out for are the ACTIONS we take to express these Es! If we express them safely, we don’t hurt anyone & in fact feel lighter & can function better. If they’re expressed badly we can cause pain to others, while adding to our shame, guilt & S-H.

c. Briefly:  P-As ACoAs have a huge amount of accumulated anger & rage (from childhood, as well as in adulthood), which we’re not allowed to feel, much less admit to – in order to be the ‘good’ one. We have cultivated such a facade of ‘niceness’ we’ve fooled ourself (but not everyone).  We may be the Hero or Lost Child from any dysfunctional family –  the Rescuers, the People-pleasers, or the Invisibles. (“Toxic Roles”)

 

no, noP-As compulsively resent, oppose & thwart – indirectly – what we see as demands to function at a level others expect of us. We’re convinced that we’re still not allowed to have real power for  ourself,  afraid to admit our anger at being neglected & unloved.
We end up saying NO to our own needs & wants – and to many things that would be good for us.

So we live in a state of deprivation, expecting others to read our mind & provide what we won’t give ourself . P-As are rarely if ever able to state outright what they want & don’t want, or distinguish between actual bullying & appropriate requests.

hidden handsSuppressing our anger is a form of negative self-control, then put all the rest of our effort into trying to control other people’s actions & emotions..  In light of our self-imposed limitation, P-As are inwardly driven to push others toward our secret goals: to prove we can’t be pushed around, and to get back at anyone who’s hurt us OR their substitutes) – while seeming to not push at all. (re. controlling). It’s a way  to get our agenda across without risking negative consequences.

NEXT: P-A ACoAs – Review (Part 2)

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry
PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITEs: 27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened
• P-A Commuter Types – (London)

** Southern P-A veiled insults 


Somethings Passive-Aggressives SAY :
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded insults instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures P-As do not get their needs met, while feeling ONE UP.
When they give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly sweetly nasty comments, they’re cresting brain fog, so most ‘recipients’ don’t catch on that they’re being messed with. 

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but aren’t afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they rarely point a finger at others,, keep the focus on themself, not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate directly with ‘I‘ statements.
EXP: “I won’t be able to help you with that // This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all the following statements are ‘you’ types (some implied), and none of the “I” statements are kind or supportive, nor admit personal responsibility for their feelings / opinions

THIS often leaves someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I catch them or say ‘this hurt’ – will they deny or attack?……”  What the P-A wants is for others to always be off-balance.

This list includes things said/written by any adult in any setting
• Aren’t we pretty today? = Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly
• Don’t bother! = means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• Don’t take it so personally = means that it was a very personal barb
• Fine. Whatever = sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
• How is your therapy progressing? =You don’t seem to be getting any better (maybe worse!) // you’re still such a mess, I don’t think even this will help
• I’m coming! = foot-dragging, putting off doing something they want // I’m busy!

• I didn’t know you meant now = means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway
• If you really want to = means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend = finally, since you’re not very desirable
• If you insist! = means I don’t agree //  I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
• It’s fine if you’re late, again = they feel disrespected but think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
• I didn’t do anything (wrong) = complete denial of their abuse or neglect
• I didn’t mean anything by it = means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• I h0pe it’s worth it = they’re “worried” about a choice or decision you’re making, think it’s wrong and hope you fail
• I thought you knew/ are in the loop = they had no intention of including you
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by…  = a disguised criticism
• I was only joking = sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today = boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately (although you have not been sick)
• No worries = short for Screw You
• So… (by itself) = another form of Screw you, or what’s your point? — If in a sentence : So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?…..  = the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it
• Sure, I’d be happy to = they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
• This is far too complicated for you to understand = dumb, dumb, dumb
• Thanks in advance = you’re will do what they want, without your input or consent

• You’re asking too much / just wanted everything to be perfect = they don’t want to do what you asked for, but can’t get away with putting it off, so do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations / with what you had to work with = means the P-A is jealous, but patting you on the head like a child. OR are very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you

• You decide / whatever you want = (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & then objects or criticized your choices
• You’re imagining things = means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free – got away with abuse
• You’re so intense / too emotional = P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your strong emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
• You’re too sensitive = P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility, judgement or insult
• Why are you getting so upset? = means “Ha, I got you!”
• We’re watching your progress & hoping the best for you = we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you, but want to sound supportive!.

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

SYMPTOMS of Passive-Aggressive Anger – in us

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

I MAKE SURE
they take care of me!

PREVIOUS: P-A characteristics, #4

SITE: LIST of more provocative behaviors (scroll down)

CHARACTERISTICS

OVERTLY hostile people live by the motto :  “To survive I must fight with anger”
Co-Dep people-pleasers think : “To survive I must placate everyone”
P-As think : “To survive I must attack everyone from behind”

COVERTLY Angry people
❥ are finely tuned to everyone else’s needs but their own
❥ spent all their time trying to read everyone’s mind so they can provide whatever someone supposedly needs, even before they know it themself
❥ hide their abandonment anger behind ‘killing you with kindness’

b. Passive-Aggressives
➤ spend a lot of time obsessing about how they’ve been wronged in ways that caused them emotional & physical pain. SO —
➤ put all their effort into making sure other people don’t get what they want – either – instead of striving for what would make themself happy.

P-A SYMPTOMS
Behavior – YOU :
• are indecisive, drag your feet to frustrate others
• are erratic & unpredictable, causing confusion, frustration & aggravation
• are accident-prone  (BOOK:”My Mother/ My Self”, Nancy Friday: constantly bumping into things, from rage)
• are inefficient on purpose, sabotaging projects in small ‘innocent’ ways
• get financially supported – use partner as your bank, never pay for anything
• ‘innocently’ make messes – anywhere, everywhere – refuse to clean up after yourself
• make a few blatant serious mistakes in otherwise meticulous work

• manipulate, like to provoke others to anger or aggressive behavior, & then patronize them, alternate between hostile defiance & contrition
• offer food, drink, a drug…. that you know the other person is allergic to or trying to quit
• often lose things, leave things behind (in subways, stores, movies….)
• refuse to ‘lend a hand’ when it would be easy for you to do
• resist doing what anyone else wants, even if you can or are interested in doing it
• stubborn, with an intense resistance to newness or any variation in an established process
• take all for yourself, throw out or give away things that belong to another – without asking permission (stealing)
• usually late, never quite committed to anything, whether work or personal

Communication – YOU :
• always need to prove you’re right in a disagreement
• blame others for making you do things you don’t want to do
• constantly complain about personal misfortunes, & exaggerate difficulties
• give a secret enemy the silent treatment, phony smiles, looking cool & unconcerned…. while stockpiling resentments
• give subtle insults (back-handed compliments) based on someone’s weaknessscreen-shot-2017-02-25-at-1-34-28-am

• keep others from accomplishing their plans, make people wait to hear from you about invitations
• like to stir up trouble, lie to make yourself look good & others look bad
• make endless promises to change, but never do
• make convoluted statements, leave important info out, have poor eye contact
• nit-pick,  continually correct others, withhold praise someone deserves, make people wait for their evaluation
• often say you’ll do something you don’t really want to, & then back out at the last minute – with lame excuses
• say others are unreasonable & unsympathetic when you don’t perform tasks up to par
• tell jokes that make others look bad or are inappropriate for the occasion or audience, disguise anger with teasing

Relationships – YOU :
• are ambivalent & indecisive, following the lead of every one else but yourself
• break a promise of confidentiality (3rd party gossip)
sneaky satisfaction• cut people off without explanation, burning bridges
• constantly on your cell when you’re with someone else (‘phubbing)
• envy & are resentful of peers who succeed or who are viewed positively by authority figures
• ‘forget’ to follow thru promises made to others
• get very real secondary pleasure out of frustrating others
• re. Infidelity – either gender – extramarital affairs or promiscuity, phone/ internet sex
• inappropriately invite or bring others along to a one-to-one dinner, event, trip…..  without warning or asking the other person ahead of time if it’s acceptable
• keep innocuous secrets from mate, prefer to lie about little things
cheating• Men –  refuse to provide your mate’s sexual desires/ needs
,  refuse to ejaculate to show you’re in control, lack of sexual interest, may resort to physical aggression

• pay more attention to other people (stranger, attractive ‘other’, an acquaintances….) that to your date/mate
• pick mates who will take care of you, allow you to manipulate
• string someone along but refuse to commit
• sulk when you don’t get your way
• talk too much about or brag about previous relationships
• prolong any annoyance or disagreement unnecessarily
• use new mate only as a replacement for previous or deceased one
• usually oppose other people’s plans – to be in control

NEXT: P-A ‘nice’ comments

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

HURT YOU? BITE YOU?
I would never-r-r!

PREVIOUS: P-A #2

SITE  P-A BEHAVIOR in Relationships

 

NOTE:  Look for their red flags, using the lists from the posts: ‘Passive-aggressive Comments‘, Symptoms of P-A anger – in us, & the set below


IN relationship with a P-A
Because neurotics (‘Givers’) take on so much responsibility, they prevent P-As (‘Takers) from having to act differently, enabling the dysfunction to continue.
Character disordered people don’t consider changing – if at all – as long no one calls them on their behavior. But for that to happen everyone they deal with would have to recognize them for what they are, & react appropriately in the moment. Otherwise, they just continue to get away with assuming they’re always right.
EXP: Many women, in divorce court, have been humiliated & financially victimized by judges favoring clever & rich pathological spouses!

In the mean time, until pigs fly, anyone dealing with P-As (& other personality disorders) on a regular basis must firmly state reasonable expectations & stand firm on necessary limits. The ball always has to be tossed back into their court. It’s their responsibility to own up to & work on their issues, so the best you can do is make them accountable.

To start with, it’s important to recognize what’s going on so you don’t think you’re crazy. You may already think you are if you grew up with at least one P-A parent, or everyone in the family – denying how hurt & angry they were, but never acknowledging, much less having dealt with it. But it’s not you!
Because of that beginning, we may have picked up the P-A habit ourself, but more often we unconsciously choose work environments & personal relationships with P-As. To change that, notice overall patterns of behavior in the people around you, monitor your emotions & never ignore gut reactions.

EXP: You are likely to feel angry, confused, or powerless – when needing to get their cooperation or trying to be heard. But since you can’t have an honest, direct conversation with a P-A person, nothing ever gets resolved.
AND if you continually, compulsively surround yourself with P-As, review your own Fear of Intimacy, because P-As keep everyone at bay. They function from the False Self, preventing emotionally intimacy – without Recovery.
If we stay around them for too long we’re guaranteed to feel abandoned – because we are.

Some ways P-As express anger in Relationships:
MILD
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
‣ Always late/leaves early. Walks out on people. Bangs doors
▸ Deliberately sloppy
▸ Procrastinates – is deliberately slow &/or puts things off
▸ Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
▸ Refuses to listen. Pretends not to hear or see

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
▸ Acts forgetful. Keeps rehashing the past
▸ Twists the truth. Manipulative
▸ Uncooperative. Withdrawn

MODERATE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
➣Acts sick or helpless. Refuses to clean oneself or the home
➣ Impulsive – fails to plan ahead. Deliberately makes mistakes
➣ Often absenteeism at work
➣ Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
➣ Works markedly below ability. Refuses to work regularly.

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
➣ Always negative. Withholds support, Distances self.
➣ Deliberately avoids or ignores someone they dislike
➣ Enjoys seeing people become upset. Is divisive
➣ Refuses to be responsible. Overly stubborn
➣ Refuses to praise or compliment
➣ Won’t communicate & gives Silent Treatment

SEVERE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
❁ Deliberately fails at work. Fails to pay bills.
❁ Fails to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
❁ Neglects the home, Refuses to eat
❁ Refuses to take care of a serious health problems

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
❁ Always in victim role. Avoids intimacy
❁ Deliberately acts to be sick or makes themselves sick
❁ Doesn’t receive love. Withholds love from a spouse
❁ Makes false accusations. Con-artist
❁ Undermines children’s trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends

Dealing with a P-A is always frustrating & sometimes enraging, especially when it’s your spouse. One of the many problems is that they find it much easier to say what they don’t want than what they do .
Inside the P-A is a wounded child who isn’t safe enough to voice how it really feels – from fear of punishment, rejection, sarcasm, engulfment …. Their True Self has retreated, making it hard for the P-A to say what’s bothering them, so they expect others to read their mind! & provide unspoken, even unacknowledged needs.  And if you don’t, you will be punished – no matter how indirectly.
REMEMBER – their tactics are never about us! even tho’ it does have a very great impact on our interactions with them. 

NEXT :  SYMPTOMS – in us

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

WHATEVER I CAN GET AWAY WITH is OK with me!
PREVIOUS : Passive -Aggr #2

SITE:  Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist

1. P-A CATEGORIES (Part 2)

 2. Passice-aggressive (P-A) Manipulation TACTICS
It’s very important to be clear about covert fighting in order to avoid being victimized by any character (personality) disordered manipulator – in this case the P-A. A person’s habitual style of relating is dysfunctional or disturbed if it is:
• Defective – their sense of right & wrong is strikingly weak, immature, or missing
• Inflexible – they don’t willingly soften their responses or use alternative coping strategies
• Resistant – won’t modify their way of relating, even if those are negative or have dire consequence
• Severe – this is when their natural tendencies becomes so overbearing & intense that they go way beyond what their culture considers ‘normal’. Sadly, our society actually encourages & rewards many manipulative behaviors.  (MORE….)

Neurotics have a very powerful, over-developed conscience (superego), with an intense sense of right & wrong. They often set themselves standards that are difficult – if not impossible – to meet, judging themselves harshly when they don’t feel they’ve done enough.

On the other hand, the disordered character’s conscience (little voice that guides most people to do what’s ‘right’) is severely underdeveloped & impaired, & in the worst cases, is absent altogether. This makes it easy for them to hurt people often & severely – without considering the other’s feelings.
And if they do hear that inner voice, they can easily silence it, so they don’t have a reason to “push” themselves to take responsibility. They are shallow, lack empathy & exploit, use & abuse others, often without a second thought. (Narc characteristics)

P-A ‘fighting’ style
SO – when you confront a character-impaired (P-A) person about something they’ve neglected or done wrong, they will fight dirty to divert attention from the real issue. People who either place themselves above (NPDs) or are at war with (P-As) the principles that build integrity into a person’s character (honesty, fairness, kindness, respect….), will use just about any behavior or tactic possible to manipulate. (MORE….)

They ‘sneak-fight’, doing 3 things at once:
1. Fight you for a position of advantage in your relationship (try to back you into a corner to get you to back-off or back-down)
2. Fight to maintain an undeserved positive image
3. Fight against accepting whatever action or principle they know you’d like them to accept
(EXP: that trust in relationships is based on being honest)

Unfortunately, when a P-A is tap-dancing to defend themself, as opposed to just fighting for their point of view, you’re bound to lose. This tells you the behaviors will inevitably recur, because they can’t do both at the same time – fight against a principle & accept it at the same time.  (MORE….)

The P-A CONFLICT CYCLE – see it coming & get out of the way!
Stage 1 – As they grow up, P-As come to believe that any direct expression of anger is dangerous & has to be avoided at all cost. They solve the dilemma of what to do with their anger by developing P-A behaviors

Stage 2 – A stressful situation triggers a P-A’s irrational thinking,  based on early life experiences.
EXP: A teacher asks a student to pass out a worksheet, but instead of feeling honored by being able to help, they’ll be resentful because the request triggers a family history of always being told to do things without ever being appreciated for it

Stage 3 – The P-A denies their anger, which leads to projecting it onto others, making up ‘stories’ & feeling resentful, even paranoid
Stage 4 – P-As actively display their denied anger, using one or more tactics listed in the post “Symptoms of P-A Anger – in us” 

Stage 5 – Reactions of others, which are usually negative. This is often what the P-A is hoping for, as it relieves an inner tension, & makes others the ‘bad guy’. Those reactions only reinforces the negative behavior, continuing the cycle.
The rest of the article offers ways to identify P-A behaviors & how to overcome them

NEXT: P-A ‘Nice People”‘, #4

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

IT’S LONELY
being with a P-A

PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITE Passive-aggressiveness
(in general & about men)


1. P-A CATEGORIES
a. Unintentionally hurtful = They believe they’re trying not to hurt others, not wanting anyone to feel bad. So they aim to be ‘perfect’, to not say or do anything obvious that might make the other person dislike them & ‘go away’. However, their anger is a barrier, felt at a nonverbal level, but others won’t know what’s wrong.
Because P-As don’t have access to ALL their emotions, their quietly defiant interactions prevent true intimacy, keeping people at arm’s length. Bottom line – they abandon a part of themselves, as well as people closest to them.

b. Self-protective =  This strategy is used by P-As when they feel the need to defend themselves at all cost, & believe they have no other options – even tho’ this may not be true – as a way to protect their self-concept, their job or personal interests. Usually based in repeated childhood experiences, they think they don’t deserve to speak their mind, afraid to be honest & open.

And P-As who want to believe they’re acting in your best interest – can say hurtful things because they’re actually trying to protecting their self-image, as well as prevent punishment (being fired, losing a friend, having someone be angry at them,,,,,). If confronted directly they become defensive, blame circumstances or the other person, instead of seeing their part.

c. Malicious = Since this series of posts are about surface-nice-people, it may seem incongruous to include P-As who aren’t so ‘nice’. But here it’s not their actions we’re considering – only their motivation. This type consciously wants to hurt anyone & everyone – without getting caught – planing out attacks or impulsively reacting to whoever annoys them in the moment (like secretly spitting in the drink they offer you).
And some in this category are subtler than others, still keeping their ‘nice’ mask on.wolf/sheep's clothing

One way they play the game is to get others riled up & defensive, who then act out the P-A’s denied rage for them. Such a parent might say to their teenage child: “You should really try to treat your mother better after all the sacrifices I’ve made for you. You’re so selfish”.
This is an emotionally abusive effort to control the child’s behavior, but often only succeeds in generating guilt & resentment. Then this kind of parent can accuse the teen of being ‘difficult’! Every time the P-A gets away with it, their tactics are reinforced while still seeming to be innocent.

SILENCE (is not always golden!)
. Many writes assert that the Silent Treatment is the P-A’s favorite weapon. It’s a deliberate choice to not speak to someone for some extended time. It will be repeated any time the angry-nice person wants to punish another for any number of hurts, real or imagined, by shutting down emotionally & withdrawing, without admitting how angry they really are.

It’s a way to manipulate others into doing what the P-A wants by treating the ‘offender’ as if they’re invisible, in the hope that they’ll get the message “Do what I want/ be how I want – or I cut you off”. This is not about withdrawing love, since love is unconditional, but rather removing approval, & for approval-dependent people (children & many ACoAs), it’s a powerful form of control.

This silence is a sanitized version of murder. While the purpose is not to erase someone physically/ permanently, it is psychologically & emotionally deadly, causing far-reaching injury.
🔪 🔫 Physical murder means: “I do not like you. Therefore, I am going to make sure you do not exist – by killing you.”
💘☁︎ Silent Treatment means: “I do not like you. Therefore, I am going to treat you as though you do not exist – by not speaking to you.”

The tactic produces a great deal of fear in adults with a desperate need to stay connected – being vulnerable to being cut off – from having been repeatedly ignored by a parent.  (See: Qs to ask oneself, in upcoming post)

SITE: “The Real Reason Why The Narcissist Punishes You” 

NEXT: P-As #3