I MAKE SURE
they take care of me!

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SITE: LIST of more provocative behaviors (scroll down)

CHARACTERISTICS

OVERTLY hostile people live by the motto:
“To survive I must fight with anger”
BUT:
COVERTLY Angry people
a. Co-Dep people-pleasers think: “To survive I must placate everyone”
➤ They are finely tuned to everyone else’s needs but their own
➤ They spend all their time trying to read everyone’s mind in order to provide whatever needs someone may have, even before they know it themselves
➤ They hide their abandonment anger behind ‘killing you with kindness’

b. Passive-Aggressives think:
“To survive I must attack everyone from the back”
➤ They spend a lot of time obsessing about how they’ve been wronged, which has caused them emotional & physical pain. SO —
➤ They put all their effort into making sure other people don’t get what they want – either – instead of striving for what would make themselves happy.

P-A SYMPTOMS
Our Behaviors
• get financially supported – use partner as your bank, never pay for anything
• manipulate, like to provoke others to anger or aggressive behavior, & then patronize them, alternate between hostile defiance and contrition
• refuse to ‘lend a hand’ when it would be easy for you to do
• offer food, drink, a drug…. that you know the other person is allergic to or is trying to quit
• take for yourself, throw out or give away things that belong to another – without asking permission (stealing)
• ‘innocently’ make messes – anywhere, everywhere – refuse to clean up after yourself

• usually late, never quite committed to anything, whether work or personal
• are inefficient on purpose, sabotaging projects in small ‘innocent’ ways
• ambivalent about decisions, drag your feet to frustrate others
• resist doing what anyone else wants, even if you can or are interested in doing it
• often lose things, leave things behind (in subways, stores, movies….)
• actions are erratic & unpredictable, causing others confusion, frustration & aggravation
• stubborn, with an intense resistance to variations of an established process, or newness
• make a few blatant serious mistakes in otherwise meticulous work
• often accident-prone   (BOOK:”My Mother/ My Self”, Nancy Friday: constantly bumping into things = her rage)

Our Communications
• give a secret enemy the silent treatment, phony smiles, looking cool & unconcerned…. while stockpiling resentments
• make endless promises to change, but never do
• make convoluted statements, leave important info out, have poor eye contact
• ambivalent in ‘trying’ to decide – keep others from accomplishing their plans, make people wait to hear from you about invitations
• always need to prove you’re right in a disagreement
• constantly complain about personal misfortunes, exaggerating difficulties
• like to stir up trouble, lie to make yourself look good & others look bad
• give subtle insults (back-handed compliments) that prey on someone’s weakness

• say that others are unreasonable & unsympathetic when you don’t perform tasks up to par
• nit-pick,  continually correct others, withhold praise someone deserves, make people wait for their evaluation
• often say you’ll do something you don’t really want to, & then back out at the last minute – with lame excuses
• tell jokes that make others look bad or are inappropriate for the occasion or audience, disguise anger with teasing
• blame others for making you do things you don’t want to do

Our Relationships
• pick mates who will take care of you, allow you to manipulate them
• string someone along but refuse to commit
• usually oppose other people’s plans – to be in control
• gets real secondary pleasure out of frustrating others
• sulk when you don’t get your way
• ‘forget’ to follow thru promises made to others
• use new mate to replace previous or deceased one
• inappropriately invite or bring others along to a one-to-one dinner, event, trip…..  – without warning or asking the other person ahead of time if it’s acceptable
• pay more attention to other people (stranger, attractive ‘other’, acquaintances….) that to your date/mate
• talk too much about or brag about previous relationships
• keep innocuous secrets from mate, prefer to lie about little things

• constantly on your cell when you’re with someone else (‘phubbing)
• prolong any annoyance or disagreement
• break a promise of confidentiality (3rd party gossip)
• cut people off without explanation, burning bridges
• ambivalent & indecisive, following the lead of every one else but yourself
• envious and resentful of peers who succeed or who are viewed positively by authority figures
• Men –  refuse to provide your mate’s sexual desires/ needs
,  refuse to ejaculate to show you’re in control, lack of sexual interest, may resort to physical aggression
• re. Infidelity – either gender – extramarital affairs or promiscuity, phone/ internet sex

NEXT: P-A ‘nice’ comments