acoa recovery

ACoAs: Deserving vs Rights (Part 2)

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ambivalence I’M ALLOWED, I’M NOT ALLOWED – if only I could be sure!

PREVIOUS: Deserving Vs. Rights (#1)
POST : “Not Enough Love?”


1. NOT Deserving
2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)
In many unhealthy families, kids got the message that we had to earn our parent’s love & approval – yet we never succeeded, because nothing we did was ever good enough for them. The ‘approval’ was conditional, AND was only tentatively given if the child completely submerged their own identity to conform to the alcoholic, narcissistic agenda of the family.

But no matter how hard we tired to please, we could never fully get what is every child’s birthright – just for being here!  This left us in a double bind & ultimately hopeless. This has kept us from developing genuine self-esteem, which can only come from being loved Unconditionally!

The resulting sense of unworthiness is so deeply ingrained in ACoAs that it prevents many of us from even imagining possibilities, much less allowing ourself to actively pursue normal goals, expressing our natural talents or following our dreams!

SHAME is the emotion (E) associated with any need we were NOT allowed to have, was made fun of, restricted or punished, & so became ashamed of having.
✳️ NEEDS are absolutely fundamental & normal human requirements – not arbitrary childish demands.
✅ WANTS are the ways we try to get those needs met.
SEE list of rights at Break the Cycle! & post “My Rights – Qs”  obey

ACoAs : As adults we – wrongly – believe we only can have things (sort of) if we follow the Toxic Rules.
 BUT obeying them leaves us convinced that TO:
• be loved – we have to eliminate our natural tendencies, please everyone else, not have needs, shut off many of our emotions, never object to other people abuse or selfishness…..
• get affection, attention / sex … we have to give in to whoever wants us – even when we can’t stand them, don’t want to do what someone else wants, lets others invade our boundaries, never object to abuse …..
• be respected &/or admired – we have to be perfect, out-achieve everyone else, have all the answers, ‘religiously’ follow our training …..

AND some ACoAs who are also not allowed to have their needs – become rebellious & try to grab everything they can. They’ll try anything to fill the ‘hole in our soul’ by vacuuming up as much as possible (attention, info, objects, power, variety…. ) = sexually promiscuous / over-eat / over-spend / over-learn / out-earn….
IRONICALLY – When ACoAs inherit money, we quickly squander it all because:
• we deeply believe we don’t deserve it (S-H), since we didn’t earn it (the PP voice)
• we’re emotionally & mentally immature – being run by the WIC
• have been so poor & deprived that we’re trying to make up for all our suffering
• feel guilty for having more than others, & our co-dependence tells us to give it away instead of valuing the gift & using it wisely

REALITY – being human is to be IMPERFECT.
Even so it means TO:
• be healthy, clear thinking, emotionally sane, sober
Jagel_Action-Reaction• have fun, relaxation, vacations, ‘veg time’
• object to all forms of mistreatment
• maintain our boundaries, & say ‘no!’….
• make mistakes, not know or be good at everything
• not have to rescue or people-please
• not like everything & even hate some things
• take care of our needs, be self-motivating

CONTRAST : Healthy parents teach & encourage these things & don’t demand / expect their children to earn them.
We did not receive that kind of nurturing, & only grudgingly given ‘love’ conditionally, if at all. Instead our family stated or implied  :
“Do what we want, be what we want – then we’ll let you live…..OR ELSE” (ARTICLE….)

 Healthy parents show LOVE when they:
– provide physical basics (food, shelter, clothes….)
– sometimes make sacrifices of their own needs, without guilting their children for it!
– make changes & adapt as needed because of the children & circumstances
– are willing to listen patiently, interested in kids’ lives
– teach them life skills & be good examples
– support child’s healthy interests & dreams, & be their biggest cheerleader, positive but realistic, always having the child’s best interest at heart.

NEXT: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 3)

ACoAs: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 1)

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Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 5.43.38 AM

PREVIOUS: My Rights Qs, 25-48

Posts: “Self-Hate & ACoAs”
•“People should treat me better, but….”

SITE: Restructuring life in recovery

 

DEF. of ‘Deserving’
⚙︎ Receiving something – good or bad – which you’ve earned, based on your actions.  It always carries a sense of balance or justice.
🌹This is why we can not deserve love, because we can not earn it. It is either given freely or not.

REPEAT : “I cannot earn love!” – a hard concept for ACoAs to believe, based on our childhood – since ‘being loved / accepted / approved of’ was conditional. BAD PARENT : “Do what I want, or else.”

1. The PROBLEM of NOT deserving
a. Family
In dysfunctional families ‘deserving’ ONLY refers to earning their acceptance. The adults who raised us did not feel worthy which was rigidly held in place by their low self-esteem (S-H), depression & deprivation mentality — so could not model deserving for us
b. Spiritual
Many religions teach us to feel ashamed, guilty & unworthy. Rigid non-Biblical teachings instill guilt, & control by fear. Anyone from a fundamentalist faith was taught that because we were born in sin “we are not worthy” of God’s love, period.  We are bad, bad, bad! This dogma is used to control & discipline children, & keep the ‘faithful’ in line.

✶ What’s left out of these teaching is the KEY to the message: God has given the world many gifts, first & foremost salvation from eternal separation from Him in the afterlife, in spite of our imperfections  ( John 3:16 & commentary)

NOTE : AA Steps 2 & 3  ” Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. ” “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”

The definition of ‘grace’ is unmerited favor – being given what we don’t deserve & cannot earn! (“A Bridge to Life“ & Bible verses)
We did not & cannot EARN grace or any of life’s benefits & beauty – they’re simply here for us to enjoy & partake of! Enjoy the lyrics to “Amazing Grace”,  a hymn universally beloved even by the non-religious.

🙆‍♀️ Too many people no longer consciously agree with the concept of original sin, BUT whatever our personal belief is now – as long as we live in deprivation – we’re agreeing with the introjected bad voice that keeps us trapped in a culture that has perverted the accurate meaning of spiritual teaching.

🙎🏽‍♀️ Some of us were not raised in any specific faith, so our sense of unworthiness would have more directly developed from unhappy & cruel interactions with parents & community.

2. ACoA DAMAGE
IMP: Parents are either capable or not capable of providing acceptance, love, compassion & validation – which has nothing to do with the personality, behavior, or gender of the child.
AGAIN: Love cannot be earned – it’s either given freely or not. And our family either did not at all – or only conditionally! We were taught by family & religion to feel UNdeserving of all kinds of good things.
Instead, we still believe that :
• asking for what we want & need is ‘selfish, sinful, arrogant, childish’…..
• other people (sometimes siblings) are definitely allowed to have good things – but not us, especially if we were scapegoated in our family
• we don’t even deserve to be alive, which we concluded —
— indirectly by being constantly ignored, put down & criticized, or
— directly from the messages about how they felt:  “You’ll be the death of me yet , Why did I have to have a kid like you , I never wanted kids anyway , You’re killing your mother/ father, You ruined my life”….

• ALSO – we’re afraid to improve ourself & our circumstances – beyond what our parents are or have accomplished, as if it would somehow diminish them (show them up).
» That would be breaking our symbiotic bond with them & no longer taking responsibility for their life-choices.
✒︎ Actually, healthy parents (& many immigrants) want the opposite – for their kids to do better than themselves & be the very best they’re capable of!

ACoAs DON’T DESERVE
 the BASICS – TO: CONTROL-ABOUT ME
• be ourself, have clear & strong opinions
• be talented, funny, creative, imaginative, intuitive
• be competent, functional, clever
• be appropriately visible, take our own center stage
• feel safe, respected as a person & for our ideas
• have all of our emotions, without judgement
• have & maintain our boundaries, & say ‘no!’ if needed
• shine, get attention, admiration, recognition, complements

NEXT: ‘Deserving’ vs. Having Rights (Part 2)

MY RIGHTS – Questionnaire (25-48)

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I’M CELEBRATING MY RIGHTS!
I feel so much better

PREVIOUS: My RIGHTS Qs – (1-24)

 

DO some inventory writing using these forms in Part  1 & 2

HAVING RIGHTS
When we thoroughly accept that we have ‘inalienable right’, we can work on listing & fulfilling our needs – not perfectly or easily – but as much as reasonably possible.
SELF-CARE allows us to:
1. eliminate deprivation.  ACoAs either harmfully over-indulge or live in self-denial starvation in all PMES ways. Knowing we have value makes is easier to find appropriate, balanced nourishment in every area of life
2. feel good about ourself / be empowered / enjoy our life – all natural results & rewards for being in charge of our needs

3. have boundaries. Once we know what we need or don’t need, want or don’t want – we can tell other people what is or isn’t acceptable, in case they can or want to be available or helpful
It’s not their job to guess or mind-read what our boundaries are. It’s up to us to let people know, so they can be respectful of them
TO
4. prevent abuse.  We won’t accept or tolerate any form of mistreatment, being clear about our rights, especially the right to be safe
5. not be manipulated.  When we know what’s legitimate, normal & healthy, we can tell when someone is trying to control us, & not fall for it
6. minimize anger & resentment.  The more we take care of ourself, the less we co-dependently expect others to provide what’s not reasonable, which minimizes our “disappointment quotient”.
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NEXT : Deserving vs. Rights, #1

 

MY RIGHTS – Questionnaire (1-24)

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self-esteem RIGHTS?  RIGHTS?
Who me?  Really?

PREVIOUS: Healthy RULES – #3

SITE: (UN) What are Human Rights?

 

 

HUMAN RIGHTS
•  No matter how long ACoAs are in Recovery, it’s always good to be reminded what we have a right to be and have, as human beings – since we were originally brainwashed by family to not even know what our needs are, much less have a right to fulfill them.

We must provide for our needs as much as possible, both from ourself and with the help of appropriate others, as a prerequisite to:
• having boundaries                            • being empowered
• eliminating deprivation                  • not being manipulated
• preventing abuse                              • feeling good about ourselves
• minimizing anger & resentment   • enjoying our life

ACTIVITY
• Fill out these 2 questionnaires, the best you can (Part 2 next post).
If you get stuck, ask someone who knows you well, AND who is kind as well as honest, which of these right they think you express in your daily life. See what you think – but it’s OK to disagree or not be sure
• Go through the statements again once a year (maybe on your B/day or at the New Year), to clock your Recovery progress

• Take the “nos” as goal to work toward, but NOT as things to beat yourself up about! Remember “We are damaged not defective.”
• Pick a different one each week or month to focus on.

You can start with the “SOME” column, since that may be easier.  At the end of each week / month, evaluate if & how you applied it, or at least increased your awareness about the Right you were focusing on
• Eventually many of these rights will become second nature & you will feel safer & stronger.
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NEXT : Rights Qs, #2

ACoAs: Healthy RULES & Lessons (Part 3)

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  new life“AND NOW, PRESENTING…. –
a new life, a better life !!”

PREVIOUS: Heathy Rules, #2

SITE: Healthy Family Rules

 

 

MORE GOOD Rules
As mentioned in the last post, these statements are to help the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent parts of our psyche to learn better ways to take care of our Inner Children. Each statement can be used as an inventory:
a. Resistance:
• why do I NOT want to include them in my life?
• what do I think will happen if I follow these ideas?
• what do I need to give up in order to incorporate them?
b. Willingness:many Qs
• what do I need to have / do, before I can use these positive rules ?
• how can I implement these concepts into my life?
• who can I ask for help with them?
• who do I know who already lives them?
c. Results:
• what happens when I do act on these statements?
• how is it different from what I assumed or projected?
• what do I need to do, to increase these principle in my life?
OF COURSE – If you can add questions to this list – please do.
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NEXT: Safe & Unsafe People

ACoAs: Healthy RULES / RIGHTS (Part 1)

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JUST THINK, I COULD’A HAD A ….
no, not a V-8! …a lot of Love!

PREVIOUS: Toxic Family  Rules

 


Q: What is the one & only source of self-esteem?
A:  Unconditional LOVE (acceptance, regard, respect, mirroring…)

EARLY: Heard a million times or not, it’s not trivial or a platitude
• The child’s brain develops its pathways using repeated experiences. If those experiences are disparaging, punitive, painful, limiting – then that becomes the norm for us when an adult
• Children look to their parents to tell them who they are and how they should act (guidance & mirroring). If the messages are negative, then the child’s self-image will be negative

Healthy Parental Love… (acoa website SiteMap, pgs 4, 18, 33, 62)
… does not mean giving the child everything it wants. Boundaries are imperative!
… doesn’t mean sacrificing everything for the child.  Kids need to see parents having a well-functioning life of their own which they can emulate
…. is provided by a ‘good enough’ parent, not a perfect one. Kids need to know they too don’t have to be perfect. Unconditional love is unconditional, not idealistic

NOW: Since ACoAs can’t change how we were raised –
• It’s not easy to change the old messages because we have to form new brain pathways, & the old ones are very deeply etched. That’s why repetition is so important
• We need to find all the possible ways to develop self-esteem
BOOK: “Compassion & Self-Hate” ∼   Dr.T.Rubin

• The most successful way for us to change is to learn how to communicate with & comfort the WIC, becoming the Loving Parent & Healthy Adult most of us never had (the “UNIT“)
BOOK: “Recovery of Your Inner Child” ∼ Lucia Capacchione

•  2-way conversations with the IC needs to be daily! It doesn’t have to be complicated or clever. Do you only talk to people you live with (have lived with) once every few months?
• At first you may find yourself very resistant, making excuses, think you can’t…. Yes – it’s a new language, & like learning any new language, it takes time, practice & more practice.  Don’t let the Negative Introject stop you from creating a better life

EFFECTIVE:
• The statements listed are sometimes called affirmations or mantra. ACoAs who are comfortable with the familiar ones – can use them if they resonate, since they ARE true. Whatever works to heal is valuablecomfort the kid
• However, many of us have heard platitudes from family, relative, school, religious communities, school… which didn’t mean much then because they weren’t backed up by ‘right-action’. They were substitutes for genuine communication & genuine emotional connections

• That’s why some ACoAs are frustrated with pre-packaged affirmations, since they don’t address our specific experiences & personality. We were SO unseen & unheard that now we have a desperate need for all communication to be accurate – down to the smallest word! – called “exquisite empathy”
We may prefer to create our own sayings, in exact response to the negative voice & which represent genuine caring for the WIC

• Keep in mind our IC is very smart, & won’t tolerate b.s. Don’t say: “I’ll always take care of you… be there for you… every thing’s going to be alright…” and then forget to talk to the kid for the next weeks or months, let the Bad Parent take over, not take proper care of yourself, let others walk all over you or keep on people-pleasing…. !
You must become trustworthy for the IC to listen & believe you!

EXERCISE:  Write out one of your Toxic Beliefs
• Then create as many counter statements as fit.
Put it aside, sleep on it, & go back the next day (or when you can), & see if you agree with your ideas, or have come up with others.
• If you’re completely stuck, ask someone safe for options. Sometimes watching how good parents on TV talk to their kids – can be good models.
BUT – try it out on yourself first.

EXP: Neg from WIC  – “ I can’t do anything right!”
Pos from Good Parent – “You / we can do some things very well, somethings so-so & some not at all.  If you want to know how to do X we can try to learn it. OK, Little One?”
Ask yourself & the IC:  “What would you have liked to hear back then – & now?”
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NEXT:  Healthy Rules (Part 2)

ACoA : TOXIC Family RULES

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Screen Shot 2015-07-09 at 12.10.53 PMTHEY DESIGNED MY STRAIGHT JACKET –
I’m gonna need some help getting it off!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Helping (Part 2)

SITE: Dysfunctional Family (Wikipedia)

 

RULES: No matter what our family environment looked like, all ACoAs have gathered a litany of TOXIC RULES, which we follow ‘religiously’, even well into Recovery – but hopefully less so with growth!

We absorbed these Toxic Rules from family, school, our community, religion…. They are the underlying beliefs the WIC is absolutely convinced are the absolute ‘truth’ which we are obligated to obey – on pain of death (abandonment)- even if we disagree or hate them. Notice the contradiction & conflict. No wonder we say we’re confused!

The BE and DON’T lists are the short forms, & just mirror opposites. Below are the expanded ones.  This is by no means complete. Each of us can have variations or additions.

INVENTORY: How do we know what our rules are?
a. Overview
As you read thru these lists – notice the ones that hit you the strongest. If you’re new-ish to recovery you may not recognize that you have more of them than you first think. Still confused?
✶ Ask yourself, & then siblings, mate, friends, therapist … for suggestions

✶ Do a Life Inventory, in 3-5 yr increments, listing all the major events you can remember – things that were important, relationships, when you started & stopped things, schools, moves, births, deaths …. choices made, opportunities we didn’t take…..
12065669231219144528Anonymous_work_in_progress.svg.med— Don’t go into detail. Just list things in one sentence each
— Notice the recurring themes, patterns, avoidances… What good things are missing?
— Ask : which toxic rules might your patterns represent?

b. Details
• Pick any one of the phrases that rings a bell & write what comes up.
— Where did you learn this? Who in your family exemplified it?
— How do you act it out in your life?
— How do your friends, lovers, bosses… express it?

• Take it very slow. Spread this exercise out over months & years, if needed. Maybe just write a little & go back to it when you have more info about yourself & your history
GOAL:
• See the toxic family rules you’ve been following – so clearly – that you won’t be fooled any longer into thinking they’re legitimate!
• Slowly disobey them by changing your behavior, an action at a time, a day at a time.

In the beginning – when you do some inventorying – you’re likely to feel fear & guilt. Those emotions prove you’re doing the right thing for your healing. Don’t give up!
• To orient yourself toward healthier goals –  pick out some Healthy Rules that fit your situation, & mindfully, deliberately, use one or more as often as you can (every day, a little?)

✶✶ Breaking family rules can create a lot of anxiety, as the Negative Introject will try to guilt you into returning to the fold – like good sheep.
So the work must be a slow & gentle but with steady process – with lots of support (Al-Anon as one of many resources)

If you read many other posts on this blog, you’ll see references to “Toxic Rules” over & over, so this post will give you a context for thinking about all the other topics & as you work with them. (Post: “Why Are You Stuck?“) .

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NEXT : Healthy Rules, #1

What is Self-Control ? (Part 5)

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Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.44.34 AMIT’S MUCH BETTER FOR ME – to be in control, than to be controlling

PREVIOUS: What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

SEE post: ‘ACoAs Acting controlling’

QUOTE: “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

SELF-CONTROL  and PRESSURE
1. Neutral: No Pressure – a free environment with no competition, where you can do whatever you want. Self-control is based on however you feel at the moment. With no one else to compare to, people will be more -or- less motivated, depending on the urgency of whatever they’re doing, or their ability to self-motivate

ACoAs – re.‘ Neutral’, children left too much on their own, without guidance or boundaries, can end up floundering, lacking self-motivation. Notice : now with open chunks of time we say “I don’t know what to do”,  OR “I have so many things I could do / should be doing – I don’t know which one to pick”.
So we end up wasting the opportunity by doing nothing or just puttering around. Then we feel frustrated & upset with ourself.

2. Negative: Bad Pressure – In a judgmental & prejudicial environment with no competition, people can get depressed, unmotivated & lose self-control.ocer-control
REVIEW: Emotional Power over others and
Emotional over-Control of oneself are similar because they :
• both try to unfairly influence inner feelings, beliefs, attitudes, values
• are inappropriate internal strategies for dealing with issues, conflicts or mistakes
• are less obvious than physical methods, being manipulative, sneaky, dishonest
• produce subtle results (harder to catch), BUT ↓
• can be identified by resulting signs — depression, discouragement, emotional suppression, insecurity, low self-esteem, negativity & pessimism

3. Positive: Good Pressure – Being in a competitive but non-judgmental, non-prejudicial environment which helps people become motivated, inspired & gain self-control, making them want to be like others around them

STUDY from Humboldt University, Germany:
Broad styles of emotional control can be identified early in life.  This study followed children for 19 years, starting at age 4, then divided them into young people who were –
a. Under-controlled:  disagreeable & lacked self-control. “When feeling frustrated they acted aggressively towards others, n spite of the negative consequences.”
who's in chargeb. Over-controlled: emotionally brittle, introverted, tense, quiet, self-conscious & uncomfortable around strangers. Who “… control their emotions too much, so are less ‘natural’ & spontaneous. Being slow to warm up, they are seen by others as shy.”

c. Resilient (balanced): self-confident, emotionally stable, with a positive orientation toward others. These were “good at modulating their emotions, interacting with others & bouncing back from adversity”

✳️ One observation from the study was that – “compared to the resilient children, the other 2 types took longer to move into adult roles, such as leaving home, starting a romantic relationship or finding a career. Accomplishing these milestones requires social adeptness that the over- & under-controllers take longer to develop….”

COMMENTS : Types a & b are likely the result of unsafe childhood experiences combined with each child’s native style of emotional reactivity. This affects brain chemistry, & therefore how we react to life as adults. Regardless of which underlying personality type we’re born as , pre-Recovery ACoAs are rarely Resilient, but more likely over- or under-controlled, from childhood trauma.

⚡︎ ⚡︎ SO : coming from a turbulent, dysfunctional home, the Impulsive child can easily turn out to be the trouble-maker or drama-queen, AND the Shy one ends up isolated, depressed & marginalized (Scapegoat or Lost Child)

Resilience : by comparison, coming from a safe family, Extroverts can grow up to be dynamic go-getters AND Introvert become the quieter ones who successfully use their influence & skills in-the-background.

STUDY – by Jerome Kagan, from Harvard U,  His team used MRI scans to show that the brains of young adults – who were identified as being shy when toddlers – worked differently than the more Extroverted ones when they were small.  Of course, there are many other factors, including class, that make a difference in how children mature.

Ultimately, healthy Self-control is a combination of:
• being in charge of your WIC – by forming a relationship with him/her, so your UNIT is the stronger voice – reasonable, trustworthy & KIND
• AND stopping the PP from bullying the Inner Child into staying hooked by the family disease, who will either rebel or fold in reaction.

NEXT: What is S-C ?  (Part 6)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

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head or heartI CAN CHOOSE TO DO THINGS
that are good for me & are suited

PREVIOUS: What is Self-control (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Control is about POWER – to make someone do or be what we want. When applied to ourself – that power can be either –
• a defense to deny our pain, which is debilitating & destructive, OR
• to heal & nurture ourself, & express our best to the world

Healthy Self-MANAGEMENT (S-M) is not limiting or rigid, but rather providing the stamina to keep going & the ability to handle stresses with flexibility. It relies on the same willpower as rigid self-control, but instead is channeled to :
a. prevent us from doing whatever is unsuitable & harmful to ourself, OR
b. delay instant gratification & pleasure, in favor of some greater gain or for more satisfying results at a later time

VALUE of S-M. It allows us to :
a.  • obey legitimate rules & laws
• avoid talking or acting impulsively
• overcome being stuck or procrastinating
• prevent self-destructive patterns (addictions…)
AND
b. continue & finish internal or external projects, even after the initial rush of enthusiasm has faded, or when they get too boring or too hard

Having S-M means WE:
• are in present-day reality, which includes owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our Rights, options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/ illusion)
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right places
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourself & with others

HEALTHY GOAL
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 8.11.47 AM🔸To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone else run ours – we must be our own Motivator, which is not selfishness but the opposite of co-dependence.

Being responsible for our own life also includes :
🔹AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over____” other People, Places & Things
🔹AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….

Having choices does fit with the Serenity Prayer:  “God grant me:
1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
2. the courage to change the things I can
3. and the wisdom to know the difference”

ACoAs are too long on a. negative self-discipline & short on b. healthy self-control, which is available by developing the “UNIT”. At first “a.” may seem like a good thing – because it’s supposed to keep us from doing actual bad or wrong things (which it can also do) – but that’s not the main way we use it

Instead, what ACoAs often do is to keep ourself from developing healthy T.E.As, but are in fact many positive ones DIS-allowed by our Toxic Family Rules.
EXP : Thinking for ourself, having opinions, standing up for our rights, Leaving bad situations, following our bliss, Feeling our emotions, relaxing, being happy, having fun ….

✶ Actually, just because many of us start out as under-dogs, it doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being empowered can be every ACoA’s goal, deciding for ourself how to act from an inner place of certainty & serenity.
😠 And for those of us who don’t like the word CONTROL – we can say : being in charge, living in our Adult Ego state, taking responsibility, being our own motivator!….

So, how in charge are you of your life – actions, career, emotions, health, home, finances, relationships, work life…..?
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting CDs  – our self-defeating self-talk – can extend the ability to be in charge of ourself, to keep our focus & have better self-care.

• Reasonable adults respect others who are in control (C) of themself & their life. Being respected is one of our many rights – the opposite of being shamed .  As we develop & honor our True Self, we will be respected by others more often if we consistently handle what WE CAN, as in line 2 of the Serenity Prayer, & relinquish / let go of the demand to control what we do not have the power to do.

NEXT: Types of Self-Control (Part 5)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I’M MOST IN CONTROL
when I don’t follow the pack

PREVIOUS: What is S-C (#1)

POST : Letting go of being controlling

 

1. Q: What do most people think ‘Being IN control’ is about?
A:  That it’s ONLY about taking actions instead of freezing up or being indecisive.
This comes partly from our culture, which constantly tells us to “Just do it”, & partly from the alcoholic / narcissistic family that only focused on DOING, rather than Being or Feeling!

It’s considered about “keeping it together, not letting ’em see you sweat, being cool, not needing anyone or always the center of attention….”.  This attitude is seen as a virtue, but is actually over-controlling oneself – from the WIC, or being controlling – from the PP, both fueled by deep & pervasive old terror.light camera ACTION

2. Q: What identifies as “Being OUT of control”? 
A: Most people will say it’s ‘loosing it’ – by expressing some intense emotion, like yelling (rage, frustration) or crying (pain, sadness)

By itself this is not loss of control. It depends – are you OK no matter where you are & how other people react? Have you chosen an appropriate place to let loose? such as Outdoors vs a small public place indoors, at a Meeting vs dumping on a child or mate?…..

a. Out-of-control Doing – is words & actions that you can’t seem to stop, no matter how harmful – such as willfully trying to befriend someone in a group who is obviously ignoring you &/or clearly angry & volatile!

EXPs: ☛ being a know-it-all, smarter that everyone, showing off
☛ being rebellious, still doing the opposite of what the adults demanded
☛ constant drunkenness, domestic violence, self-cutting, repeatedly getting fired OR not working at all

⏬ HOWEVER : Not being able to act is just as much a lack of control as compulsive behavior. Negative actions and non-actions are both driven by the WIC’s anxiety which we’re not aware of or not in charge of modifying.

b. Out-of-control Not Doing – Unable to act in our own best interest
EXP : ☛ hiding out, isolating, staying invisible, withdrawing
☛ withholding, giving the silent treatment, judging, manipulating

Scenario:  Staying- staying-staying, stuck in your chair – at a party where your alcoholic boyfriend is deliberately ignoring you while flirting with his ex! – you can’t bear to leave him behind with someone else.
Everyone sees what’s going on – making a fool of yourself by not leaving, but you’re paralyzed. While you can’t ignore one more indignity from him, the pain of betrayal & loss has triggered abandonment shock!

HEALTHY ‘Being in CONTROL’
It’s true that children in healthier families also have limited control over their life growing up, but sadly, ACoAs had almost none.
So – the KEY to healthy control (ta-da) is you HAVING a CHOICE!
IT
• allows us to know what our needs are, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific personality & current life
• comes from our True Self, which includes the ‘UNIT’ , allowing us to be comfortable in our skin. It’s NEVER about being perfect!
IT
• requires that our childhood rage-level diminishes enough so we don’t take our hurt & desire for revenge out on others
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, having gotten a lot of our sorrow & rage out safely
IT’S
📍 about knowing when to do or say something & when not to, as in “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”
📍 HOW, when & where  we express our emotions
📍 having good boundaries – inside ourself, how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us
📍 taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate, picking the things that suit us from available options

• Sometimes it’s taking a risk to act on your own behalf, for someone you love, or for the greater good. This is not impulsive / compulsive
AND
• Sometimes it’s holding back, waiting, being patient, listening, taking time to process & plan. This is not passivity or waiting to be rescued.
Either way – it’s always about having a choice. It is wisdom. It is self-esteem. It is S & I.

NEXT: Self-control. #3