acoa recovery

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

co-dep angerTHERE’S NO WAY
for me to win!


PREVIOUS: Anger & Co-D (#1)

 

1. Re. OUR Anger (cont.)
a. MISSING Emotions (cont.)
i. Numb
ii. Disconnected
And then there are the times we FEEL something – that punch in the gut or the stab in the heart, BUT don’t know where it came from.
Our body’s legitimate reaction to abuse is disconnected from our mental center (cortex) because of years of involuntary denial. So —
√ we blame ourself for the pain, thinking we’re making it up, over-reacting / too sensitive, it’s hormonal….
AND
√ if we do make a vague association between our discomfort & a particular person, we justify & excuse it by thinking “they didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just the way they are, she/he DOES love me….”
cat collarIt’s as if we’re wearing one of those animal medical collars: we can see over the top of the stabbers face, but can’t see the knife in their hand as they shove it in!
However, if we take the collar off, & ask the Inner Child how it feels around that unhealthy parent/ friend /boss/ lover….. & if the Child is willing to respond – we find out exactly what’s going on!

So when denial starts wearing off, we’re shocked – first by the pain, & then realizing that all this time our thinking has been way off!
That’s liberating but also very scary, seeing that we’ve built much of
 our world on mental sand.
We have to revamp our whole concept of reality, which can leave us with a lot of anger, realizing how great the abuse really was.

For a long time we may hate our parents, the rage coming in waves. We still want them to be what they can’t & never could be.
Eventually we can accept that we no longer need them to take care of us – we are our own parent NOW, so we can learn to deal with them realistically – whatever that means for each of us.
BOOK: “Coping w/ Codependency” ~ Kay Marie Porterfield

b. INAPPROPRIATE anger/rage
Self-Hate: As co-dependents (Co-Ds) we are brutally critical of our own imperfections, even when they are absolutely normal for being human – whether making a mistake, not knowing something or making an error in judgment.

We also rage at ourselves any time we don’t get a need met or feel hurt – taking on the responsibility for other people’s limitations or unhealthy behavior.
At the same time – we sabotage opportunities for getting those very needs met – to stay loyal to our early training. (“People should treat me better, but….“)

🔹Repressed
In Claudia Black’s book “Deceived”, she places Co-Dep anger on a continuum: Avoidance <– Sideways anger — Anger –> Rage
At the far left it’s sometimes described as feeling dazed & defeated, often part of low-grade chronic depression. For many people (more often women), avoidance is a learned response to stress over time, starting in childhood, along with long-term painful / abusive adult relationships.

🔹Boiled frog syndrome
If placed into a pot of boiling water, a frog will immediately jump to safety rather than burn to death. However, if the frog is placed in a pot filled with room-temperature water, which is then very slowly brought to a boil, it will happily do the backstroke until it’s cooked from the inside out.

boiled frog syndromeCo-Dep anger can be like that as well. In a volatile situation we may fight back or just leave. But if we let our emotions accumulate in the POT, we end up stewing in our own juices until it feels like we’re choking.
Then the anger (& all the pain underneath) bursts outward in harmful ways, or inward with silence, uncontrollable crying, anxiety, constant fidgeting, physical illness…..

🔹Sudden flashes
On the other hand, unexpected burst of anger at others can be a sure sign of co-dependency at its tipping point – in reaction TO:
• always considering what someone else needs AND they rarely / never reciprocate
• being constantly disappointed, but still depending on narcissists to come thru for us – against all evidence
• hearing a correction or suggestion as criticism, triggering S-H
AND / OR
• not being able to get thru to someone, no matter how often we try
• someone not reading our mind – about what we need or want (so we don’t have to ask)
• trying to force someone to be or do something they either don’t want to do, or simply are not able
• trying very hard to please someone who will never be pleased, but we keep trying
• wanting someone to take care of us, but they won’t (& shouldn’t)

NEXT: Anger & Co-D – #3

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

codep anger OF COURSE I’M ANGRY –
everyone disappoints me!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Anger #2

SITEs: • Caring or Co-dependent?

• “Characteristics of Codependent People”

• ”3 Phrases That Will Instantly Calm Angry or Emotional People”


IMPORTANT: If you haven’t already, please read the above articles to acquaint yourself with the basics of co-dependence (Co-Dep), so you can put the topic of anger in perspective (Continuum CHART)

Internal characteristics : Co-Deps have DIFFICULTY with:
• self-esteem & self-care
• setting boundaries
• knowing & accepting all reality
• being moderate & balanced
• self-regulating emotions & behavior

Co-Deps (ACoAs & Addicts) are fundamentally ruled by buried shame, having had to cut ourself off from our internal world.
We rarely know how we actually feel – under all the spinning & drama.

The truth is that we don’t want to know, because it’s painful & we never learned how to develop an inner soother for such occasions. It’s ‘easier’ to stay on the surface & pretend things are just fine, rather than deal with what’s really going on inside – which is emotional starvation.

We may be very busy caretaking the world, but barely provide for ourselves. While it seems that we’re only focused on others, Co-Deps actually spend a great deal of time obsessing – on ourself! – on what we don’t have, what we wish we had, what we did wrong, what others are doing to us, what we/ they should be doing…..

Having to maintain the Co-Dep facade is exhausting, but it started so early in life, we think it’s the real us. Sadly, the performance gives us no satisfaction or relief because it feeds on & is maintained by S-H, anxiety & perfectionism. (Shame & Co-Dep)

1. OUR Anger – We generally think of Co-Deps as being weak, dependent victims. This is how a large portion of us act, even though we’re really not that weak, having survived many horrors, although not very well.

Others will express it as intense counter-dependence (Reverse Laundry List), even to the point of being self-deprivational (need-less & want-less), along with arrogance & grandiosity, our damage spilling out over everyone/ thing.

Many Co-Deps are not aware of our anger, so are often surprised when others react with annoyance to the ways we express it (tone of voice, teasing, unprovoked irritation…..) because we ‘didn’t mean it like that’ – consciously.  Dr Irene, on her excellent “Verbal Abuse” site, notes that:  Co-Deps misplace our anger – we get angry when we shouldn’t, & don’t get angry when we should.

a. MISSING Emotions
i. Numb: Co-Ds are so used to abuse, insensitivity & disrespect, that we have trouble consciously feeling the hurt inflicted on us by unhealthy people.  But the Inner Child does register every single verbal / emotional punch, stab, slap…. delivered by them. (Posts:  “Dissociation“)

Now we not only swallow the venom of those encounters, but add self-blame to the already tremendous reservoir of pain we’ve been carrying since childhood. Like mercury or lead poisoning, we continue to let ourselves be toxified!
NOTE: Fear of our own anger is called Angrophobia (not very original!)

Emotional numbness comes at the very bottom of the Feeling Continuum (but before death 😦 ), because the pain is so-o-o great that we’ve had to cut everything off, so it represents the most distressing level of feeling.
Co-Deps who are still in denial will often say they had a happy or OK childhood. The way we can tell if it was NOT is by listening to how we talk about ourselves – blaming ourselves for not getting what we need & vin life. ‘Emotional Body’ chart

CHART ⬇️

 

NEXT: Anger & Co-D (Part 2)

ACoAs & Anger (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

angry expressionsANGER CAN BE EXPRESSED in many different ways!

PREVIOUS:
ACoAs & Anger – #1

SITE: Anger Management Source – MANY articles

QUOTE: Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ~ Evan Esar

1. ACoAs are terrified of anger (even the angry ones of us!)
a. of OUR own, afraid if we let it out we might kill someone (since we really want to).
It’s a deadly combination of their anger which we absorbed, along with what we built up in response to being neglected & abused. So our emotion POT gets stuffed to the gills, & we do our best to bury it all, then sprinkle it with the pretty flowers of fake niceness. Even so… it leaks out!

b. of OTHERS’ anger, because the WIC assumes they/ it will kill us. It makes sense, since many of us grew up with raging adults (especially when drunk), as well as that of siblings or other family members.
We may also have been stuck with other adults who were too weak & fearful to protect us against those ragers.
And there was no one to sooth us when hurt & terrified, or explain that none of their behavior was our fault.
So we never learned to comfort ourselves. (See also 8 other posts)

We were also never shown or taught how to handle our anger – neither how to think about upsetting situations nor how to behave successfully. We were left alone with our pain, and punished for any display of our reactive anger.

not allowed angerWe may have chosen to copy the long-suffering parent, forever living in fear of everyone’s disapproval & anger.  But ACoAs who are still in their victim role are just as intensely angry as the overtly volcanic types.
While anger may be pushed out of our awareness, it still shows up as :
◆ staying with others who are always subtly displeased, emotional manipulative, or blatantly attacking, who blow up too easily (see Emotional  Abuse )
AND :
◆ relentless S-H & deprivation in all PMES areas, copying our original abandonment, then fueled by a current helpless, hopeless rage aimed in the wrong direction – at ourselves

And if we were designated the Hero child / ‘Good One’ / Golden Child – in the family, then we definitely were not allowed to be angry.
Added to that, many of us received religious injunctions against such an ‘evil’ emotion!

It’s not surprising then – that we have trouble even knowing we’re angry, or that we should be angry when mistreated (T), much less actually feeling it (E). Instead it gets ‘intellectualized’ into resentments – several steps removed from the actual bodily experience of the anger itself!

2. ACoAs – who are SO angry 
• dome of us grew into overt ragers ourselves, copying the dangerous adults
• we may still be walking around in a fairly constant slow burn
• Some know that we are, with varying degrees of acceptance about it, OR
• are genuinely calm & peaceful much of the time with only occasional flare-ups – from doing a great deal of FoO & rage work

3. ACoAs – who DENY being angry
who me angry?Many will insist they’re just not angry, or have gotten past it all, that they’ve forgiven the family, & moved on.
OK, THEN check how accurate you are :
Qs: How do you talk to yourself, internally?
How good is your practical self-care?

❖ Are you consistently comforting, kind, loving, patient, self-respecting, validating ….. toward yourself?
OR is the PP inner voice harsh, impatient & perfectionistic, while you ignore the WIC completely?

❖ Do you take as good care of yourself, each day, as you do other people & pets in your life?
OR are you only focused on others, co-dependent & people-pleasing?

❖ Do you stand up for your rights & ask for what you need – from your Adult ego state?
OR do you over-react when something doesn’t go right
OR passive-aggressively wait for someone else to figure out what you need?

❖ Do you feel comfortable in business & other social settings, because you are calm & confident?
OR are you anxious when in certain social /business settings? 
OR do you isolate & assume everyone is going to judge you? (projecting your anger out on to others)

❥ If you are more like the second half of these questions, then you’re still very angry – but suppressed – sitting on a volcano & taking it out on yourself & others (depressed, passive-aggressive ?), while pretending you’re not in a rage at all.

NEXT: Anger & Co-dependence, #1

ACoAs & Anger (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

walled up angerI WALLED UP MY ANGER –  now I’m afraid to open it up

PREVIOUS:
Anger Triggers (#3)

SITEs: “8 reasons why we’re afraid of anger” (scroll down)

ACoAs: For those of us who grew up with physical or sexual abuse, &/ or others kinds of verbal & emotional cruelty – snide remarks, making fun of, insulting, dismissing…. most of us will do anything to not be like ‘them’.
Even as kids we figured that if we could just be a good enough “good-girl or boy” we could tame the troll (us), to get the love & safety every kid craves. But no matter how hard we tried, we never succeeded in assuaging the beast (them), never feeling truly safe.

CHART  –  a shorthand way to look at the range of possibilities – from the most frightening (chaotic) to the safest kind of parenting. For most of us it wasn’t just one parent causing all the problems, but some combination of many adults we were stuck with.(“Parenting styles”)

No matter what personality we were born with, all children need stability, to have a reliable base from with to experiment, learn & risk as they explore themselves & all the newness of the world.
BUT most of us lived in chaos, which was terrifying.

Terror inevitably creates anger, & if the scary, painful, unfair, crazy-making circumstances go on for years, the child’s anger at the abuse & neglect will eventually turn into rage. Living in chaos is always harmful to children, regardless of our family’s intention. 

Re. US – ACoAs BELIEVE THAT:
• all anger is bad / dangerous & inevitably leads to violent behavior
• being angry at anyone means we are bad
• our anger can kill others, even if we don’t express it – just by feeling it – so we can never be angry at our parents, no matter how hurt by or frustrated with them we feel
• we have to protect others from our rage, no matter the cost to us
• if ‘they’ knew how angry we were they’d never love us, & then we’d die, floating alone in the cold outer reaches of black space!

AND some of us have had the experience that expressing our anger at them got us beaten, hit, old-shouldered, verbally attacked (“How dare you ___! Don’t talk to your___like that!”)….. So we shut as much of our anger off as we could, & stuffed more hurt into the POT.

Re. OTHERS – We assume anger PROTECTS us IF WE:
• are angry all or most of the time (keeps people away)
• are angry first, to preempt anger from others
• retaliate with personal attacks
• cut ‘them’ out of our life completely
OR:
• play the victim to make others feel guilty
• tell others how awful this person is (for being angry at us)
• say it’s ok if someone’s angry & then punish them when they do
• are SO good that they can never find anything about us to be angry over (we think)
• insist /demand that others never get angry at us, because we’re too delicate / can’t handle anger / it’s un-spiritual (not pleasing to God) / we don’t deserve it…

IN CONVERSATION, when someone gets angry at us, ACoAs may:
• Completely ignore both the anger & the issues, & change the subject
• Respond stoically, logically, ‘deal with it’, placate (“I understand / Oh that’s OK….)
• Immediately feel guilty, take all the blame, apologize profusely & repeatedly. Try to make up for being ‘bad’ or hurting the other person
OR
• Feel such terror that we blank out & can’t think at all (dissociate), so don’t answer, but only think of something to say when it’s too late & then hate ourselves for being stupid or a wimp
• Feel terror but try to justify our position, thinking: “I know I’m too sensitive, I’d never do what you’re accusing me of, No one else feels this way about me”
OR
• Be defensive – over-explaining (most common ACoA response to criticism, anger, insults….)
❥ That’s not what I meant, it’s just that_____
❥ No, really, I tried to ______
❥ The reason I sangry dog chasing manaid that was because____
❥ I couldn’t because _____
❥ Well, you see _____
OR
• Be defensive – throwing it back on the other:
⚡️ Why didn’t you tell me before?
⚡️ You’re just jealous, selfish….
⚡️ Well – YOU did ______ to me
⚡️ You’ve been sitting on this for how long?
⚡️ You’re just confusing the issue
⚡️ You’re not making any sense

NEXT: ACoAs & Anger, #2

Anger – Triggers (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

angry robot

TOO MANY THINGS
can go wrong every day!

PREVIOUS: Anger Triggers  #2

SITE: “Anger: Moodjuice Self-help guide”

 

MORE Anger Triggers, set off by OTHER people or circumstances
🚹 Noise • construction work, babies crying, dogs barking
🚹 Overload • when too many stressors happen at the same time, so our coping capacity is exhausted (caregivers, working mothers….)

🚹 Pet Peeves • lazy, sloppy, dirty, chaotic people or places
• violation of personal rules/ values
• social irregularities, political issues
🚹 Powerlessness
• not able to fix or change someone/ thing that hurts us (so we don’t have to leave)

🚹 Stealing • lover or mate taking $$ or other things / ID theft / break-ins / business frauds
🚹 Stupidity • rules that make no sense
• not having or not using common sense
• government incompetence or deliberate harm
• favorite sports teams losing
🚹 Unfairness
• discrimination because of age, race, religion, gender, looks….
🚹 Unreliability
• broken promises, lateness, lies, repeated cancellations
• being let down when needing someone specific (disappointments)

STUFFING triggered EMOTIONS
Life is made up of energy ebb & flow, expressed, contained or withheld.
We take in – food, love, nature, beauty, affection….
We let out – art, exercise, emotions, sex, sports, talk…
…. a cycle of building & discharging vibrations, which only stops at death

🔻 Relaxed muscles are in low energy, but also anything that’s a road block keeps us tense
🔺 High energy that’s not moving tightens the muscles. People who are very afraid – will unconsciously hold their breath, so their lungs are always over-inflated, making them sigh a lot

When energy gets either too high or too low, people get more & more anxious. Then they try to find ways to dampen it or pump it up (over-eating, compulsive sex, fighting, smoking, drinking….)

• Our society (& unhealthy families) tell us what we’re allowed to express emotionally, & to ‘control’ how much to let out. We’ve been taught to be afraid of showing anger, loneliness, fear, mourning, insecurity – even too much joy or excitement (except @ sports or concerts)….. told to “calm down” & contain emotions rather than letting them out in healthy ways.

The energy of each unexpressed emotion gets stuffed into an imaginary POT. One way to tell how full it is – is by noticing the tension in our muscles – tight jaw or shoulders, having IBS, overall stiffness….

⬅️ Al Turtle’s CHARTS start by assigning each ‘provoking’ external event as 5 units, with a corresponding emotional response of 5 units, & then going up from there: trigger 50 = response 50, 500 = 500….
He calculates that by the time we’re age 20 most of us have at least 35,000 units of backed up energy in our body, which can use up tp 20 to 80% of our calorie intake – just to keep it all inside the POT.

No wonder we’re tired – suppressing emotions takes a great deal of effort, piling up until we implode (depression) or explode (rage)

Re. Anger – usually the amount of anger felt is in proportion to the provocation (trigger), so the larger the input (stressor), the larger the output (emotional intensity).
A child will explode as much as it needs to, then it’s over, & they stops. This is normal.
But adults have learned to cut too many of their feelings off. Then we end up with a very full POT,& it doesn’t take much of an external trigger (5 to 10 units worth) to set off a very big response (100 -1,000 units)! So a little thing that would “justify” a little anger often results in a huge amount of expressed rage.

RELIEF – The ONLY thing that relieves suppressed emotional energy is venting it appropriately – as a way of ‘completing’ / ending the emotion – so it does’t hang around. Nothing else works.

Regularly emptying the POT  – a little at a time, in small doses – actually gives us more energy because we’re releasing the tremendous effort needed to hold it in.
Many of us are not aware of how hard we’re working to sit on emotions, because consistently tight muscles become numb after a while. That’s why doing emotional-release body work is so important as part of Recovery.
SITE : Polyvagal Theory, a Ladder of  Nervous States – the mammalian autonomic nervous system provides the neurophysiological substrates for adaptive behavioral strategies.

BOOK: “The Body Keeps the Score” ˜~Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. (Overview & chapter summaries)

NEXT: Anger & ACoAs,  #1

Anger – TRIGGERS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

THERE’S NO END OF THINGS
that can set me off!

PREVIOUS: Negative Uses (#2)

SITE: Anger TRIGGERS Qs

Series of POSTs : “What Just Happened? – Noticing painful events”


WHAT GETS US MAD?
a Trigger + our point of view about it + our personal temperament = anger (but not always or for everyone)
Our Anger reaction to PPT is usually a combination of internal & external factors. Sometimes external events that bother us are actually positive or neutral, but because of internal damage (WIC & PP) we automatically get angry.  EXP – for ACoAs:
√ being accused wrongly enrages us
√ being accused rightly terrifies us (then we get angry or defensive)

• While there are legitimate reasons for reacting, under the anger are ‘sensitive’ emotions we may not want to admit to, such as loneliness, need, loss, abandonment pain, fear, sadness….. making us feel too vulnerable.

Everyone has some triggers, based on our personality & childhood experiences. Anyone interested in personal growth needs to identify their specific buttons, to better manage verbal & physical responses. (Iceberg)

1. INTERNAL Triggers
a. EMOTIONALLY , the Big-3 inevitable triggers – are:
• HURT – to our feelings, our integrity, an important loss, an insult to anyone / anything we love…..
• SCARED – Physical or emotional danger
EXP: Man on bike with little son on the back almost gets side-swiped by a bus pulling to the curb, making him yell & hit the bus with his fist as he turns that same corner
• FRUSTRATED – whenever someone /thing blocks us from reaching a goal (big or small), especially if it’s very important to us, or if it’s been for a long time

b.  Our own PERSONALITY – as mentioned elsewhere, genetics plays a part in our temperament. Some are more easily revved up when something goes wrong for them. (Enneagram 8s, certain astrological  ‘Squares’, or positions such as Mars in Scorp……)

c.  EXPECTATIONS – too High or unrealistic (re. others)
When held as demands, they usually create a lack of frustration-tolerance, leading to inappropriate anger-expressions, including :
√ a deeply rooted belief that our circumstances & people ‘have to / need to’ be exactly as we want
√ a tendency to lecture people on how they ‘should’ / ‘should not’ behave (MORE….)

d.  DISTORTIONS – cognitive (CDs) & Toxic Beliefs S-H
such as : awfulizing, blaming, discomfort-intolerance, mind-reading, filtering, perfectionism….. At best they will lead to disappointment & frustration, at worst to Self-Hate & rage.
False beliefs cause anxiety, & sometimes aggression, in an effort to ward off perceived threats to our well-being OR self-image

CDs cause us to misinterpret facts, events, or other people’s actions as threats to achieving our goals, or as attacks on our dignity, rules or property. This ends in wrong conclusions, leading to harmful reactions (DRAWING)

e. IMPULSIVENESS (poor emotional control)
While some of us are naturally more ‘sensitive’ than others, impulsive reactions can usually be traced back to our WIC, filled with anxiety from past trauma. The more anxiety, the more easily stress gets expressed as bursts of anger.
Some only let it out around people we’re close too, others only toward strangers. But instantaneous over-reactions tell us the Amygdala is in charge, not the Cortex. That’s why it’s considered psychologically immature.

🔥ANGER CYCLE – unhealthy responses to events which hurt, frustrate of scare us :
1. Trigger – by a loss, words, actions or anything that will set off anger
2. Internal Reaction – pain, letting us know that something’s ‘wrong’

3. Intensification –  a chemical flush released in the brain, which dramatically increases heart rate & breathing.
This can give a volatile person an excuse to justify how they’re feeling, but most of the time the anger is from distorted thinking.

4. External Barrier Break – some obvious signs of anger can be clearly seen by others, such as crying, angry gestures, shouting verbal threats….
5. Explosive Peak – a verbally &/or physically violent expression of anger. Dangerous to others, but also to ourself – by saying or doing things we may not really mean but will get us in trouble

6. Exhaustion & Withdrawal – when the anger / rage had died down or dissipated, then intense self-judgment follows
7. Final Stage
a. Remorse & Apology : with some people – when they realize they’ve over-reacted – will admit their error & apologize
OR
b. Intense Justification : others (especially narcissists) will not admit they’ve done/said anything wrong, & find a ‘good’ reason for their behavior, including blaming others for causing their upset

REPEAT the above pattern – Whether one is a chronic or occasional rager, without Pattern Correction, this cycle will continue.  (From DAMBREAKER)
(⬆️ Anger Cycle chart from extensive ClinMed article)

NEXT: Anger triggers (Part 2)

Anger – Positive USES (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

k7607080I CAN CONTROL EVERYONE
if I’m just ‘nice’ enough

PREVIOUS: Negative Uses #2

SITE: “The uses of Anger” + Richard Prior story

BOOKs: “8 Keys to Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness“– Andrea Brandt

BASIC purpose of anger: To manage internal & external stimuli (PPT) and as a response to situations that produce fear, hurt or frustration.
➼ Fear is for keeping us safe
➼ Love is for bonding
➼ Anger is for righting wrongs – so the emotion of anger is never the problem, only how we act.

HEALTHY anger
When psychologically healthy people put off solving a problem or difficulty, they don’t waste time & energy endlessly mulling over being wronged, having limitations, frustrations, illness…..
Instead, they figure out what their realistic options are, & then move on to something else, waiting for the right time to act – if at all possible.  If not, they accept reality, acknowledge their anger & then let go!

CONSTRUCTIVE anger usually involves both parties in a dispute, not just the ‘original’ angry one. In best-case scenarios, the angry person expresses their grievance, the target person listens, & then responds appropriately.

If the anger is justified & the response suitable, the mis-understanding or problem is usually corrected. The Q. then is not “Should I express anger or should I suppress it?, but rather “What can we do to solve the problem?” (MORE…..)

• In our culture, on one hand, anger is respected as a sign personal strength & self-confidence.
On the other hand, most people are afraid of someone being angry because it’s associated with aggression & violence.

However, bad behavior is not automatic or inevitable. Anger can actually help reduce violence in many social settings, because intimidated people become more obliging, who will placate the angry one, thus minimizing the other’s upset, which prevents escalation.

— Authors Howard Kassinove PhD, & Chip Tafrate, PhD, tells us that
“In fact, anger seems only to be followed by aggression about 10% of the time, & a lot of aggression (action) occurs without any anger (emotion)”.
— James Averill, PhD, from U. of Mass. says that
“When you look at everyday minor episodes of anger, as opposed to more dramatic ones, the results are usually positive”.  (MORE…..)

NEURO-PLASTICITY can correct negative Beliefs , which will modify painful Emotions:
The brain is like putty – it can be trained & repeatedly reshaped. Since stressful emotions AND uplifting emotions occupy the same ‘real estate’ (the amygdala), we can use anger to tell us what difficult experience, bad news or disappointment will trigger our inner Green Hulk.

EXP: Getting stuck in heavy traffic often generates frustration & rage. It’s not the delay that creates those emotions – but rather what we’re saying to ourselves:
“Get out of my way you jerks, I’m going to be late, Everyone’s always causing me problems, This is going to screw up my appointment, Why does this always happen to me?….”.
Being angry every time we feel trapped strengthens a specific neural pathway, cementing the emotion. (ALSO: Humor & Negativity)

• When there’s nothing we can actually do about the delay, in that moment it would help to notice & then change what we’re saying to ourselves, which can change how we feel.

If we redirect our attention to something soothing – very time we’re on the road (remembering a beloved pet or a recent success, talking to the Inner Child, listening to Scripture….) – eventually we’ll form a more pleasant emotional response.
We can start linking traffic with stillness or comfort. We can listen to interesting tapes, sing along to our favorite music, think thru a knotty problem or create/ design of something we can make later.

stuck in traffic CHANGE:  Because the Amygdala holds memories associated with various emotional responses, it will remember the positive changes we make when we combine a careful observation our own personality traits ➕ situations that set us off ➕ a willingness to change our automatic responses (T,E,A,s).

It takes patience & repetition to form new pathways, so by not using the old one (neural inhibition) the brain is slowly rewired.
As we keep practicing, being able to feel more peaceful gets easier & more natural. Practicing self-evaluation & making beneficial changes create self-mastery, which give you a sense of empowerment, key factors in feeling safer & more content.

NEXT: Positive uses #2

Anger – Negative USES (Part 2)

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anger at selfPREVIOUS: Negative use of anger #1

 

SITE:  “PFC & Mirror Neurons: The Arena of Shen & Hun?” (scroll way down) From Chinese medicine

 

NEGATIVE uses of Anger (cont.)

Toward SELF
Over-ATTENTION – a negative way to be seen, heard, respected, feared…
FALSE POWER – that lets you to think / feel like you’re totally in charge of Self, others & life in general, when you’re actually NOT
ISOLATION – withdrawn, from being so angry at the way people are – disappointing, hurtful, thoughtless, unavailable….without having heathy ways to interact (“The whole world sucks, so I’m not participating”)

Toward OTHERS
ATTACK– display of anger used as a weapon, but not necessarily actually feeling angry : to intimidate, punish, destroy someone’s self-image, shock into submission (bosses, salesmen, cops, cult leaders….)

COERCE – use your position of power to dominate, force someone to back down, be quiet, do only what you want – against their will…. Bullies only win if they appear powerful AND the other side’s options are limited

CONTROL
• keep trying to get someone to change for you (be what you want or think you need)
• to mange or change how some else ‘feels’
• to get your own way about something, at another’s expense
• to make someone feel guilty so you don’t have to be responsible

DEFENSE against:
• being abandoned (“if I keep finding fault & being angry at you, I can leave first”)
• others’ emotions, which can trigger Es you don’t want to feel, also against someone’s FEAR, which makes you feel scared too
DEMEAN another to feel one-up or less vulnerable : make fun of, dismiss, degrade, insult, roll one’s eyes, shame, mimic….

DISTANCE: prevent others from getting too close, in general
• avoid  1-to-1 physical &/or emotional intimacy
• as false boundaries / walls to protect your vulnerable inner self
• to block someone trying to communication

Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.54 PMDIVERT / deflect someone’s attention away from:
• a sensitive / painful topic
• information you wants to hide
• facts you don’t want to hear
• situations you can’t handle or want to escape
• a personal weakness or limitation

ENTITLED
Getting away with inappropriate anger creates & then reinforces a false sense of entitlement —> An illusory feeling of moral superiority that can be used to justify rude, arrogant, immoral actions, with the belief that the “end justifies the means” (bullying, collateral damage, domestic abuse, prejudice, purges, terrorism…)

MANIPULATE – keep people off-balance, even when not really angry,
• so you don’t have to do what they want, (but won’t admit it)
• can’t give them what they want (afraid to say NO)
• stop them from expecting or demanding something of you
• deflect their anger at you

PROJECTION
Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.43 PM• of your abusive/neglectful parents on to others, OR
• projecting only negative outcomes into the future – about something you want or is important to you, but assume you won’t get
PUNISH / revenge : as payback for real or imagined injury

SEPARATION
• always starting a fight before leach time you leave a lover
• inappropriate way to separate or be left behind (cover FoA)
• destroy other people’s boundaries (need for symbiosis)
SUPPRESS
• deny practical & realistic needs of another – so you don’t have to deal with or provide them
• ‘stop’ others expressing their emotions (“Don’t cry!”) – so they don’t trigger your own vulnerability, OR
• because you believe you have to fix them but don’t know how & don’t really want to!

INTERESTING: In Chinese medicine, Emotions are considered large movements of energy which override the Qi’s usual flow through the body’s channels.  The 5 movements of energy are: Anger, Fear, Grief, Joy, Meditation

ANGER energy gets pushed out in a jagged way, disturbing the Liver, whose job is to lift energy up to the Swood elementpirit, at the center of the SHENG cycle

• Used in Acupuncture, this cycle represents creativity, generation & production, Each element feeds Qi to the one on its right, clockwise – creating the next one, as a mother creates a child. (Scroll to 5 element chart)  / ALSO: “Applying the 5 elements”

EXP: LIVER = Wood transforms (by burning) into HEART = Fire.
Wood is the Element of determination, anger & assertion. It produces the creative urge to achieve – which can turn to anger when frustrated.
Wood-anger, expressed aggressively, can also come from not feeling in control of life events.

NEXT: Positive Uses of Anger, #1

Anger – Negative USES (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

negative anger

 I CAN CONTROL ANYONE
when I’m angry

PREVIOUS: Anger – positive uses

SITEs: “The Downside of Anger”

• “Angry/negative people can be bad for your brain” (Mirror Neurons &  Emotional contagion).

BOOK: “IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING” re. manipulative people

► ANGER  is UNHEALTHY – when it:
📌 Causes big problems
If situations which generate anger are not solved or are just walked away from, anger will build until there’s some kind of explosion, leading to trouble (being expelled or fired, arrested, injuring others, auto-immune illness, bad relationships…) T.E.A. circles

📌 Doesn’t happen enough
• Repressing our anger teaches others that it’s totally OK to treat us with disrespect, insensitively, or blatant abuse
• AND, it allows us to continue to stay less emotionally aware & less socially skillful, & therefore less valuable in society
• Leaking it out indirectly teaches others that we’re not actually safe to be around, not empathic or emotionally responsible

📌 Happens too much
The chronically angry person – who tends to express anger more than 5-6x a week, as in having ‘a chip on your shoulder’. It makes others feel they have to walk on eggshells around that person

📌 Lasts a long time
When it’s more than a day, for around 30% of people. It tends to go along with obsessions, Toxic Beliefs, CDs, S-H & difficulty with personal Boundaries.
For ACoAs, anger & rage often lasts for months, even years – with no resolution, because WE:
• are not allowed to feel the angry at all, especially at our parents, or at any kind of abuse
• deny the depth & breadth of the anger, & the other emotions that are underneath
• have never been taught how to express it correctly & productively

When it is :
📌 Expressed badly (unsuccessful/harmful) : being passive-aggressive, giving the cold shoulder, insulting, shouting, swearing, retaliating, spreading rumors, malicious gossip….. OR
when food, chemicals, media…. are used to calm down / numb out

📌 Over-reactive : the intensity of emotion & physical / verbal expression are out of proportion to the trigger – because the current incident stepped on a ‘sore toe’ from past abuse. And if others also get angry in reaction to us, things can easily escalate, often obscuring the original upset.

BITTERNESS has been described as “the crusty disease that grow on unprocessed anger…. which has boiled, simmered, & then found to be so unpalatable that it’s been thrown into the deep freeze of our unconscious psyche.
Refrigeration doesn’t work well, since cooled anger turns to resentment & bitterness. It has an annoying tendency to leak out at inappropriate times, upsetting good relationships, disturbing our dreams & filling us with a vague discontent.” ~ Elizabeth Spring,  MA

RESENTMENTS are the mental version of anger – not the actual emotion. They’re obsessions recounting real or imagined hurts we’ve experienced, with no way to move past them.
• According to Philosophy Prof Dr. R.C Solomon, U of TX:
– Resentment/ bitterness is directed at someone of higher status than oneself
– Anger is at those of equal status, &
– Contempt is at those of lower-status.
These are painful emotions which mainly harm us IF held for too long, & then inevitably spill over onto others (targets).

√ The underlying cause of Bitterness (tree) is having suffered long-term abuse when one truly was or felt powerless to stop it
√ Resentment, which is focused on someone else, can be triggered by remembering very upsetting experiences they caused us
√ When turned on oneself, resentment becomes remorse, & then S-H (More.…)

• Unacknowledged hurts can take the form of: Animosity, Antagonism, Implacability (not appease-able), Hatred, Infantile Narcissism, Pathological Pride, Vindictiveness, Verbal, Physical & Emotional cruelty. (Explanations….).

Al-Anon reminds us that: “(unrealistic) expectations are planned disappointments, leading to resentment.”  There are many people, situations or things in the present we can hook the resentments on to, but all are smoke screens for the underlying pain of unresolved childhood trauma.

NEXT: Negative Uses (Part 2)

Anger TYPES (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Anger TYPES (Part 1)

SITEs: The Primacy of Anger Problems
• Anger Problems: A Smokescreen for Fear-Shame Phobia
• 5-min. stress release exercise (Green : Anger —-> Compassion, Love)

⬆️ HAND : Emotions for each finger (painful & pleasant forms), with  senses & body areas, & how they’re connected to the Spinal Column 

🌐
DEGREES of FEAR & ANGER
We can use the temperature chart below to stay aware of what we’re T.E.A. chartfeeling, mainly driven by what we’re thinking, since the combination directly effects how we act (TEAs)

• Whenever possible, especially around people we don’t know, are not close to, or who are unhealthy (active addicts & other narcissists), it’s self-protective & appropriate to only show how we feel on the outside of the Emotion Circle 🔽, because those reactions are milder.Screen Shot 2014-12-26 at 10.41.37 PM
In most social situations, people will be more comfortable around us if we’re ‘tentative’ or ‘pleasant’ — > rather than ‘hysterical’, ‘aggravated’ or ‘enraged’…. making us more likable, which we all want, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. ( 2 CHARTS )

ALSO, if we do let out how we actually feel – from the center of the circle (intense) – it can influence others to become reactive too, as a result of echoing our feelings (via mirror neurons), so that when we:
• get enraged, others may also get angry
• feel depressed, others can get ‘down’,
JUST AS when we:
• get exited, others tend to also feel happy
• feel calm, others can feel more relaxed

REMINDER: This in not to deny our emotions, nor to be co-dependent – worrying about how others feel. Always distinguish between having an emotion & expressing it. It is a reminder :
➼ to stay awake for what’s going on inside, & work on letting the Adult ego state be more in charge, rather than the WIC
AND
➼ that we do have an effect on others – surprise, surprise! which many of us don’t realize – or believe – since our family never saw or responded to the REAL us.

For many of us, we were treated only as a burden, a nuisance or as a useful ‘tool’. 
So now we need to become visible to ourself & choose healthy people to correctly mirror us (validate) – people who have good boundaries & a clear sense of their own True Self.  (MORE…..The Anger Thermostat)

Anger as predictive SYMPTOM of Psychological Disorders
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)emotional illness
Periodic eruptions of anger & rage, which are not in proportion to circumstances, most commonly seen in impulsive young men – but also for some ACoAs.
In this state they may threaten, assault others, harm themself, &/or destroy property. Such eruptions come after a period of heightened internal tension, followed by a feeling of emotional release, & then immediate regret

Depressive Disorders
Diminished self-esteem, heightened self-pity, irritability, low mood, low frustration tolerance – can create anger-control problems. Men are less likely to report depression & anxiety, with ego-shame an underlying cause. For women it’s more likely fear-of-abandonment, loss & rejection.

Anxiety Disorders
Sufferers of Depression & Anxiety are often in a continual state of tension. Their overworked nervous system alternates between hyper-arousal & exhaustion, priming the brain for an anger or rage reaction.

This group includes those with Generalized Anxiety, Panic attacks, PTSD, & Phobias. Also, OCD (mainly physical), setting the stage for resentments, because the person is more likely to hang on to envy / jealousy, fear of abandonment, & fantasies of being disrespected, harmed or victimized – in the present.

Personality Disorders are characterized by overall rigidity & denial.
• Obsessive Compulsives : OCPD – mainly psychological, and OCD -mainly chemical – sufferers act as if their life depends on reaching a particular goal or having their demands met. Anger rises when those are frustrated. They are demanding, judgmental & perfectionistic.

• Narcissists (NPD) are subject to rage reactions when their desperate need for attention or admiration is frustrated
• Histrionics (HPD) are vulnerable to angry outbursts when emotionally flooded
• Borderlines (BPD) are exceptionally vulnerable to anger because of weak or nonexistent sense of belonging & self-worth. This causes a roller-coaster emotionality, with rage reactions & unstable relationships.  (See all Psych Disorder posts w/ extended info).

CONSTRUCTIVE ANGER
In contrast, for healthy people, anger comes from their Adult ego state, in response to a specific present-day issue, prompting us to act in a positive way to protect against danger, to remove an obstacle in our path, or to right an injustice. (More in other posts).

NEXT: ANGER – ways to react (Part 1)