acoa recovery

BE KIND to YOURSELF

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Ann Wilson Schaef PREVIOUS: Obituary of Evil Mother

 

AUTHOR :
Dr. Ann Wilson Schaef is a well-known psychologist, international speaker & writer of 13 books.

She developed her own approach to healing the whole person, which comes out of the ancient teachings of her ancestors – Cherokee Indian –  called “Living in Process“.
It is a comprehensive program of recovery —
➼ FROM addictions – both ingestive  (alcohol, food, drugs….) and process  (work, gambling, sex, relationships…. )
➼ INTO wholeness of body, mind & spirit.

SEE her Book List

perfect=abuse

OBITUARY of evil mother

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PREVIOUS: 5 HARMFUL Mothers , #3

 

PAINFUL VALIDATION

The link below is the obit Katherine Reddick wrote about her mother, & her rebuttal regarding comments she received about it.

I pass this article on to anyone who has been tortured by a parent, & is afraid to say so, or that no one will believe you.

Be aware it may take a ‘strong stomach’, but you are not alone.

“I WROTE the “SCATHING OBITUARY ABOUT MY MOTHER, AND HERE’S WHY I DID IT and HAVE NO REGRETS.  I’m only now speaking publicly about why I wrote the vicious obituary. Even in death, this woman still gives me nightmares.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/marianne-theresa-johnson-reddick-obituary_n_4602902

5 HARMFUL MOTHERS (Part 1)

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MOM WHY DID I HAVE TO end up with a mother like that???

PREVIOUS:

 4 Parenting Styles (Part 5)

SITE: 4 kinds of Angry Moms

BOOKs: “Difficult Mothers: Understanding & Overcoming Their Power” ~ Terri Apter (Comments)
“The Emotionally Absent Mother” ~ Jasmin Lee Cori


These classic Abandoning / Abusive parenting styles leave big scars. If you were raised by a mother who was mainly one of these types OR some combination, it’s important to recognize where we got our dysfunctional reactions from – as a way to minimize or eliminate our Self-Hate.  (Daily Mail Reporter, U.K. 6/2012)

NOTE: Each of these types are variations of Narcissism – when it’s a severe & life-long pattern (Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers).
❇️  Read rest of article for ways to deal with each type.

1. ANGRY
angry momAlthough no child likes it when a parent is angry, an occasional outburst does not create problems between them. What does cause harm is when a parent repeatedly uses anger to attack, shut up & control family members. When anger is always in the air, children live in a constant state of high alert, waiting for emotional explosions.

• As well as being psychologically damaging, this type of long-term stress is toxic to the young brain. Flooding it with endless anxiety limits the formation of the mental circuitry needed to regulate emotional states.
Sad irony : these are the kids who most need to learn self-soothing & to control their reaction – but are the least well equipped to do so

Continuing into adulthood, many such people say they still panic when around their angry mother, having grown up always feeling ‘wrong’. They’re most likely to become appeasers, programmed to please & placate others.
Sites: “My Mom Is Always Angry” / “My history of anger, 1-3″

2. CONTROLLING
This mother will try to run of every part of their child’s life, even to the extent of telling the child what to see, feel, think & want.

A controlling mother sees herself as custodian & shaper of her child’s mind. Day-after-day she says, acts & implies:
“I know who you are & you don’t / I need you to be X, which is more important than what you want / I know you don’t like it my way but I don’t care…..”’

Having been told repeatedly that “mother knows best”, these children learn to completely distrust their own wants, needs & opinions. Even simple independent decisions can fill them with anxiety. They also learn to lie – to say whatever the controlling mother wants to hear, just to keep her off their back

Healthy parents use control to shape general values & set specific rules – but always temper it with careful listening, & respect of the growing child’s ability to have their own personality & their ability to make age-appropriate decisions for themself.
SITEs: ‘Signs you may have controlling parents’ +
“The Psychological Effect of a Controlling Parent”

3. EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
A mother’s emotional unavailability can be incredibly painful for a child, & leads to all kinds of upset & confusion. Sometimes it’s the result of depression or chemical addiction, but most often because of being a narcissist.

Long-term emotional withholding affects the physical & chemical make-up of a child’s brain. neglectful momGrowing up, such children see their role as comforter & protector, instead of being comforted & protected.

They’ll feel guilty for feeling happy, cling to the parent, avoid emotions or throw tantrums, & often take on heavy responsibility to make up for mother’s ‘absence’.

As adults, ordinary emotions such as joy & sadness may seem extreme, self-indulgent, even dangerous to these people. They may also have deep-seated toxic beliefs about their role in close relationships.  EXP:  other people’s needs are more important than their own, always have to be mature / ‘grown up’, & can’t trust anyone to be there for them.

Healthy parents provide ‘Affective sharing’ (emotional exchanges between mother & baby), which increases brain growth & cortisol receptors that absorb & buffer stress hormones. This also generates those crucial systems that help us manage our own emotions, organize our thoughts & plan our lives. Nurturing physical contact builds the brain’s ability to bounce back from disappointment & failure.

NEXT: Harmful mothers #2

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 5)

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nationalitiesEACH CULTURE THINKS their parenting style is the correct one

PREVIOUS:
Parenting styles (#4)

SITE: “Gentle vs Mainstream’ Parenting Styles

ORIGINS : The most popular ideas about parenting styles in the West – come from the work of Diane Baumrind, who was interested in the different ways parents tried to control or socialize their kids (1960s). To compensate for overly-strict methods being implemented at the time, many parents went to the other extreme, putting very few demands on their children & avoiding any sort of parental control. Her ‘Authoritative’ style was the balancer.

Parenting in “The culture of American families”.
Research says families fall into 1 of 4 “cultures”, which is more important than any individual parenting style. parenting cultures
“Each type is a complex configuration of moral beliefs, values and dispositions.
They’re often implicit, rarely articulated in daily life, & largely independent of basic demographic factors such as race, ethnicity & social class.”

Never mind helicopter moms or attachment parenting. According to a U. of Virginia 3-year study of USA families (2012), the next generation is being molded by:
• the “Faithful,” 20% of parents from traditional Christianity, Judaism or Islam, who adhere to “divine, timeless morality” to give them a strong sense of right & wrong

• the “Engaged Progressives,” (21%) – the least religious. Morality is about personal freedom & responsibility, with few absolutes except the Golden Rule. They value honesty, trust what “feels right,” & allow moral latitude

• the “Detached“, (19%) let kids be kids, equally skeptical of the “old certainties” of the Faithful & the views of the Engaged Progressives.
They’re mostly white, with blue-collar jobs, no college degree, with a lower income…. are pessimistic & seem resigned about the economic future & their children’s opportunities.They say they believe in God, but don’t attend church, & religion is not an important part of their children’s lives

• the “American Dreamers,” (27%) – the most common family culture among blacks & Hispanics. They’re optimistic about their kids’ opportunities & abilities. Even with a relatively low household income and education, they “pour themselves” into raising their children, giving them material & social advantages. They try to protect their kids from negative social influences, striving for strong moral character.

The goal of this study is to distinguish the diverse moral narratives formed in daily inter-actions between parents & children.  Qs :
• What are the treasured hopes, deepest fears, & most pressing challenges of today’s parents?
• Where do they turn for support?
• What role, if any, does “character” play in the lessons children learn?
• Is contemporary life too fluid to anchor stable, shared convictions?
• What does it mean to be a “good parent” or a “good child” in an era when moral sign posts point in multiple directions?

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES
A-A shoppingDevelopmental psychologist at the U of CA at Berkeley Diana Baumrind ‘s 4 styles have been applied in places as varied as Brazil,
China & Turkey.  However they don’t always “map” onto local parenting methods – which explain why some studies report different outcomes.

• African – A. families place greater importance on shared parenting responsibilities among their community, & use physical punishment more often than Euro-A.
( African-American Family structure -Wikipedia)
• European – Authoritative (A.) valued self-directed & tolerant children
• Japanese – A. parents valued well-behaved children
hispanic• Hispanic parents were more authoritarian & punitive than Euro-A.

• re. Korean-American parents, over 75% of the sample didn’t fit into any of the standard parenting categories (Kim & Rohner 2002).
• re. western-Chinese parents, their style doesn’t quite fit traditional Chinese practices (Chao 1994).
• re. Spanish adolescents, studies showed that kids from permissive homes were as well-behaved & adjusted as those from authoritative ones

🌹Even so, there’s remarkable overall agreement across many cultures regarding Authoritative parenting – that it is consistently linked to the best child outcomes. (Gwen Dewar, PHD ) Scroll down

Steve Doughty (Daily Mail, UK, 2009) writes :
happy family“Taking a ‘tough love’ approach to parenting increases the chances a child will grow into a well-rounded, successful adult” a think-tank said yesterday.
Combining warmth + discipline means youngsters are more likely to develop skills such as application, self-discipline & empathy.
The Demos report (left-wing think-tank) found that “these traits were shaped during the preschool years – more often as the result of ‘tough love’ parenting – regardless of whether parents were rich or poor.” (MORE….)

NEXT: 5 harmful mothers

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 4)

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neg introject MOMI CAN’T GET THAT WITCH VOICE
out of my head!

PREVIOUS: Parenting styles (Part 3)

SITE: COMICS (variety)

 

♥️ Parenting styles & SUCESS : The promise of upward mobility is a central tenet of the American Dream, one of our core civic values.

The SOCIAL GENOME Model (SGM), from the Brookings Institution in Washington, DC. ASKs :
Is the USA still an opportunity society? Can people achieve the American Dream? How can we help more people reach the middle class?
The SGM tracks the academic, social & economic experiences of individuals from birth through middle age —> in order to identify the most important paths to upward mobility.
(“The achievement gap…..” // “Social Genomics”)

Achieving the ‘dream’ depends on being born to adults who are ready to be parents, PLUS being able to succeed at each subsequent stage in life.  5 benchmarks have been identified as good predictors of eventual economic success:
• born to a non-poor, 2-parent family
• being ready for school at age 5
• mastering core academic & social skills by age 11
• graduating from HS with decent grades & avoiding risky behaviors during adolescence
• getting a post-secondary degree (PhD), or the equivalent income before age 30.

This CHART ↗️ clearly shows by % what we know intuitively & from experience:  (see also “Parenting Gap”)
• children of strong parents are the clear winners, and
• children of weak parents are consistently the least successful thru life
• children of average parents fall in between, but are closer to the ‘lucky’ ones in performance.
AND – If weak parents improve themselves to become average, their children will have an almost 10% improvement in their success rate.

Composite RESULTS of Parenting Styles (cont)MY child -2

Parenting styles & TEEN DRINKING
Many factors contribute to teenagers’ experimentation with alcohol & drugs. Genes play a significant role, as do peer relationships. And since teens can be adversarial – it’s better to start talking to them about ‘using’ while they’re still young, as early as 4th grade.

Researchers at Brigham Young University have found that teens who grow up with parents who are either too strict or too indulgent tend to binge drink more than their peers. Stephen Bahr,  sociologist at BYU. observed  that “While parents didn’t have much of an effect on whether their teens tried alcohol or not, they can definitely have a significant impact on the more dangerous type of drinking,” Screen Shot 2015-06-15 at 8.27.29 PM

• Teens raised by indulgent parents – who tend to give their children lots of praise & warmth but do not teach them to monitor bad behavior nor about its consequences – were among the biggest abusers of alcohol (about 3x more likely than peers)

• The same was true if parents were so strict that the teens don’t learn to use their own judgment. In fact – “Kids in that environment tend not to internalize parental values nor understand why they shouldn’t drink,” says Bahr. They’re 2-3x more likely to binge drink.

• The parenting style that led to the lowest levels of problem drinking borrowed something from each of the 2 extremes:
— from the indulgent end: warmth & support, AND
— from the strict end: accountability & consequences for bad behavior
CHART from “Successful Parenting”

NEXT: Parenting styles (Part 5)

4 PARENTING Styles & Results (Part 3)

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I WISH THEY HAD BEEN more helpful & supportive!

PREVIOUS: Parent styles, #2

BOOK: “Parenting with Love & Logic” includes Drill Sergeant, Helicopter, Counselor/Consultant – Forster Cline, M.D. & Jin Fay


PERSONAL WISDOM
Obviously, different parental styles contribute to how each child turns out – that is – their adapted personality, most often forming the False Persona in wounded people. It’s a major factor in how well a child will succeed in life – whether they manage, achieve, meet & overcome challenges OR flounder, run from stress, fail to cope or give up.

A 1994 study found that “good adjustment” in adolescence was overwhelmingly associated with parenting style. (‘Child Development’ ~ Steinberg, Samborn, Darling, Mounts & Dornbusch).
Of interest is what helps or hinders the development of wisdom, which involves being flexible – the ability to use different kinds of behavior when circumstances demand a change in response.

Whatever the reason or circumstance, when parents stick to only one style, a child will only learn that way of dealing with conflict & uncertainty. When parents are unable or unwilling to vary interacting, they stifle the flexibility needed to develop wisdom in later life.

RESULTS of Parent Styles (short form)
Autocratic (authoritarian) parents tend to produce children who are “dismissive”. Other people have no intrinsic value but must prove themselves worthy of respect & attention, just as the child had to do with his/her parents.
This is commonly referred to as “conditional regard.” You’re only worth what you’ve earned

Indulgent parents who give their children free rein, tend to create adults with a “preoccupied” relationship with others. As adults they’ll try to find the same indulgent, ‘unconditional regard’ from others they got from their parents, forever chasing a lost childhood

Indifferent parents who are cold & fitfully controlling, create an atmosphere of uncertainty & mistrust. An absence of affection, rules or emotional support sets a child adrift in a chaotic social environment without a built-in compass. This creates ‘fearful’ adults who usually find the world of people extremely difficult & so try to limit or avoid relationships

Democratic parents produce a more ‘secure’ adult, having received warmth & affection, but within a set of rules for appropriate behavior.
However, if these parents are too supportive without teaching the child when something is ‘off’ in their thinking or behavior, they may grow up to be –> overconfident about their ability to engage with & persuade others, the same way they were able to do with their parents.
Without any sense of realistic uncertainty / insecurity, these adults may form delusions of grandeur, believing they’re capable of greatness without the actual ability.

LONG FORM – composite MY child -1

NEXT :  4 Style’s, #4

 

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 1)

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4 styles

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE OVERVIEWS! – They provide perspective

SITES: 10 Parenting Styles  // Other STYLES (slides 16-17)
• How the Tigers, Dolphins & Jellyfish Parents Differ
• TIGER MOM – Cultural differences (+ cartoon by Keith Knight)
• HUMOR: Not A Tiger Or Helicopter Mom? (Google images)
• Parenting Quiz (Slides 7-8)

QUOTE: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (New Testament – Colossians 3:21)

DEF: Parenting styles are the methods that parents use to take care of their children. Categories: Authoritative, Autocratic, Permissive & Neglectful (1 healthy, 3 unhealthy), with –
✦ Degrees of:
– Nurturing Affection : warm <—-> cold
– Demand & Control : more <—-> less
✦ Dimensions that are essential: Communication styles / Disciplinary strategies / Expectations of maturity & control / Warmth & nurturance (Diana Baumring – 1967)

• Our basic identity is modified & shaped by our experiences with our parents – forming the structure of our adult personality. What we learned back then is deeply implanted in our most primitive, powerful emotions as young children, when we were totally vulnerable to being molded.diagram of parenting styles

🚼 Each of us is unique – different from everyone else, both as individuals & in relation to our family structure (gender, birth order, looks, interests….).
🚻 And each parent has their own pre-set core Self & personality style.
Even though adults have most of the power & control, family relationships are indeed reciprocal – parents have an effect on their children, & children have an effect on parents. The mix & match of 🚼 & 🚻 is complex & often at odds.

Finding actual cause-&-effect links between specific parental actions & children’s resulting ‘personality’ is not simple or easy. Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities.

Conversely, some who share a home & raised in the same environment can grow up to have astonishingly different personalities –  due to the same or different Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Astrology….
However, researchers have found correlations between these 4 categories & how children turn out

Realistically, the Parental Style used is the one that each child experiences, not the one the adults ‘think’ they’re expressing, or wish they could be using. But most parents always default to a favorite negative style, while only a few aspire to / work at living more in the healthy one (Authoritative).
The length & intensity of interactions with their children are based on their own emotional states, motivations, engagement, levels of stress, feeling fresh or tired…. at any given moment.
Actually, most parents switch between all 4.

The next 2 composite charts outline the 4 types (#1 & 2) MY parenting -1

NEXT: Parenting styles (Part 2)

ACoAs – HUMILITY (Part 1)

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SELF ESTEEM ALLOWS ME
to think well of myself – realistically

PREVIOUS: ARROGANCE (Part 2)

SITE: “The key to Dignified Humility: Admitting you’re Wrong”

QUOTEs: “True humility is strength, not weakness. It disarms antagonism & ultimately conquers it.” ~Meher Baba
“To be truly great one has to stand with people, not above them” ~ Charles de Montesquieu, French politician & philosopher

DEF: HUMILITY (H), from the Latin ‘humilitas’ = ‘low, from the earth, grounded’
• To not think oneself better than others (but never self-deprecating!)
• Recognize & accept our limitations based on an accurate estimate of our value & abilities.
Opposite of grandiosity, narcissism, hubris, & other forms of negative pride
EXP:Usain Bolt
NOT H: IF Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt were to say that he’s not a speedy guy, it would either be a joke, false humility or S-H, since he truly IS the speediest of all his peers!

YES H: What he DID say was that – his accomplishments need to be placed in the context of Jamaican track-and-field emphasis & excellence, which reflect those who have helped him !

HUMILITY (H), sometimes called “modesty”, is most often talked & written about in religious terms. The great religions espouse it, spiritual teachers encourage it, preachers & (some) parents try to instill it.
➼ However, here we mainly want to consider what it means as a social & psychological character trait.

• But even without a religious context, H can still take on a moral and/or ethical dimension. It’s the ability to acknowledge that we have problems, faults, pains, make mistakes, act in ways that we don’t want to, say or think things we know are not positive….
Humility is acknowledging / accepting how we actually are, right now.

Oscar Ichazo, in ‘The Enneagram of Personality’, gives a good clue to the meaning of H – a true virtue:
“It is accepting the limits of the body’s capacities.

The mind holds unreal beliefs about its own powers, but the body knows exactly what it can & cannot do.
Humility – in the broadest sense – is the knowledge of our true place in the cosmic scale.”

Appropriate H (not martyrdom, S-H or victimhood (↖️see chart) is firmly rooted in self-esteem, an inner security that comes from permission to be oneself, & the willingness to provide for one’s own needs & wants.
That way we don’t have to depend on what others think of us to be OK.

H people are clear that, while they definitely know they have personal worth, they have perspective, understanding that each of us is a very small cog in a very large universe.
➼ With this broad & realistic view, the truly humble person cannot be humiliated.

NOTE: To develop H —
✥ children must form a secure attachment, starting in infancy, BY receiving consistent & loving parenting, firm guidance & realistic role-modeling.
✥ As adults – a most important aspect of H is the realization that our lives & concerns are valuable, but no more important than anyone else’s.
💟 These 2 TRUTHS are the opposite of our ACoA ‘education’!

DIAGRAM
Any extreme is unhealthy:
• Too much Pride & we act superior, untouchable
• Too much H, & we’ll let every one walk on us

• Healthy Pride is empowering
• Healthy H means we don’t need to do impression-management

• LaBouff & Assoc. ran 3 H studies (2012) with college students, which showed that humble people are more helpful than those who are less so.
Students who reported valuing humility were willing to help another student, even without much external pressure.

Additional studies echo this conclusion – humility is a consistent predictor of generosity, making a H person a more valuable member of society = Other people matter too, & we can matter more to others if we ‘matter less’ to ourself (self-centered ARR).

• H has been linked with better academic & job performance. Correlated with the need for Achievement (nA), it helps advance one’s fortune in the world, & is excellent for leadership.

• Humble people have better social relationships: because they’re more cooperative, compassionate, flexible, forgiving, grateful, open, admit mistakes & avoid deception

• Exline & Hill showed that H people accept their limitations, are well-adjusted, kind, self-aware, & intelligent – without needing to be all-knowing.
They ALSO value the welfare of others, & are able to ‘forget themself’ when appropriate or necessary.

NEXT: Humility (Part 2)

ACoAs & HUMILIATION (Part 2)

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inner-critic I’VE LEARNED ALL TOO WELL
to humiliate myself & let others


PREVIOUS: Humiliation – Part 1

 

1. EXTERNAL Sources (cont)
a. Physical
b. Emotional (Part 1)

c. MENTAL
Being:
• always held at arm’s length (non-responsive mate, child, ‘friend’)
• deliberately overlooked or ignored
• falsely accused, or subject to slander, gossip, insinuations
• given the silent treatment, treated as invisible
• made to wait for someone unnecessarily, habituallymental abuse
• threatened with any form of abuse

Having
• acknowledgement or recognition withheld
• to agree with someone’s opinion or beliefs which contradict your own
• the attention you get only be a way to manipulation you
• to apologize unfairly, when not guilty of anything
• your experience or information dismissed, discounted, silenced

d. SOCIAL 
Being:
• forced to defer to others who are less honorable, intelligent or less qualified
• poor, unemployed, foreclosed, homeless
• reduced in authority, power, rank, responsibility, role, title
• publicly disrespected, downgraded, defeated, slighted
• shamed by bad investments, debt, bankruptcyignored
• subjected to punishment, social powerlessness, imprisonment
• shamed for appearance, character,  gender, heritage, race
• made the victim of a practical joke, prank, or confidence scheme

NOTE: Not all recipients of these experiences are innocent. While many people are true victims – some ‘earn’ one or more of these mistreatments by acting out, being abusive, disrespectful, criminal activities…. or by unconsciously setting themselves up, to have someone teach them a lesson, punish or pay them back.

This does not mean that humiliation is a legitimate way to treat anyone – but is often the way people retaliate on their abusers (perpetrator), or copy their original tormentor by inflict on others the injuries previously done to them.

2. INTERNAL Source: Self-humiliation
Being put down always comes from outside, something done TO someone, & is NOT acceptable to most victims.

However, if you were continually humiliated as a child – at school, in the playground, but especially at home – you came to believe you deserved it, so is the way you should always be treated (via the PP = introject).
Even though it makes you feel angry, sad, lonely, hopeless…. & maybe consciously you don’t think it’s right or fair – you’ve internalize the mistreatment (of course) & will act it out in many, or all, parts of your life

• For ACoAs, being humiliated is experienced as :
“You’re attacking my feeling shamevery essence, & it seems to make enough sense since I already doubt my own worth, so I feel shame”.

It represents a lack of self-respect – not about our abilities or actions – but about the core of our being, saying we have no intrinsic value.
Without ‘serious’ help to understand & deal with it, we assume it’s inevitable – perpetuating our self-degradation, & finding others who will also reinforce the original pattern

SHAME is internal. It’s an emotional response to an insult to our basic Self.
As adults, we can only feel humiliated if we agree with what’s said or done to us. When we’re insecure about our rights & our value, we’re more prone to feel shame when disrespected, because we give too much weight to what others think of us than to what we think of ourselves.
NOTE: Feeling ashamed is from us. But –
‘Being shamed’ is the same as ‘being humiliated’ – & comes from others

WAYS of functioning from shame, S-H & FoA
🚩 an adult always acting or sounding like a child (childish / immature)
🚩 acting out in various ways, public drunkenness, lewdness, fighting
🚩 always grabbing the spotlight, being arrogant, showing off
🚩 being inappropriate in a particular setting (actions / language suited to some venues, but not the one you’re in)
chasing🚩 being sexually inappropriate, promiscuous
🚩 ‘chasing’ anyone who is just not interested or definitely unavailable, &/or something unrealistic, not appropriate…
🚩 dating people who neglect & abuse you
🚩 justifying or over-explaining yourself
🚩 making a fool of yourself – for attention, from rage or arrogance
🚩 not having or using common sense
talking too much🚩 not ‘letting go’, not accepting reality

🚩 punishing self or letting other punish you – for making mistakes
🚩 talking trash, over-using sexual innuendos
🚩 telling everyone your personal business / all of your flaws / dumping your problems in them
🚩 trying to do the impossible (reversed Serenity Prayer)
🚩 trying to convince a narcissist of your point of view, or that you’re right & they’re wrong

NEXT: Humiliation (Part 3)

ACoAs & HUMILIATION (Part 1)

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humiliationI’VE BEEN DOWN SO LONG
I can’t imagine ever getting up!

PREVIOUS: Anger T & F, #2

SITE: “Humiliation” (Wikipedia)

QUOTEs: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

 

» DEF: Being in a state of disgrace, a loss of prestige &/or self-respect.
A person who is continually subjected to severe humiliation will experience major depression, suicidal thoughts or actions, & severe anxiety states, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

RESEARCH: A study at the U of Michigan revealed that the same areas of the brain which light up when we experience a physical injury – are activated when we experience intense social rejection.
In other words, humiliation & isolation are felt just as strongly as body pain.

NOTE: Humiliation is not the same as humility. The opposite of Humiliation is Appreciation

HUMILIATION originally comes from external sources – which then get internalized as part of the PP voice (Introject).
✦ THEN – for ACoAs it comes first & foremost from our family, & then often from school, church, neighborhood…. It’s ‘being shamed’ rather than feeling ashamed

✦ NOW- a less severe event may cause us to “take offense” when something is said or done to us, which comes from what or how we think (cognitive, intellectual).
Whereas –
✦ Humiliation is more demeaning & hurtful – visceral, existential – about who we are fundamentally

In the present, most ‘victims’ disagree with the humiliation laid on them – don’t like it, know they don’t deserve it, see the treatment as unjust….but don’t believe they have any options, & so don’t challenge the source or change their environment

1. EXTERNAL Sources
Humiliation involves an event or ongoing situation that indicates unequal power in a relationship, where we are in a one-down position & unjustly diminished.
Often the painful experience(s) are vividly remembered for a long time after, & can lead to anxiety, especially if the exposure was prolonged. It requires:
victim/perp1. a Perpetrator exercising negative power,  in many different settings

2. a Victim who is truly powerless (child, minority, the poor….)
OR who is re-enacting a long-held victim role from childhood, so is who;; vulnerable to being humiliated
3. one or more Witnesses to or observers of – the event(s), such as family members, neighbors, teachers, the general public, peers, officials…. who usually do not object or help  (bystanders, helpers), sometimes even egging the perpetrator(s) on, as in bullying (Flying Monkeys)

➼ The following list was compiled by Leland R. Beaumont at “Emotional Competency” & can be applied to children as well as adults.

a. PHYSICAL / SEXUAL (most visible)
Being
• boundary / privacy invaded, trespassed on
• denied basic needs &/or social amenities
• exploited, suppressed, violated
• forced to do or say something distasteful & self-shaming
• injured, assaulted (hit, spit on…), attacked
• isolated or physically abandoned
• the loser in a dominance contest / cheated on
• molested, incested, raped
• often beaten, slapped, kicked, punched
Having  your:elder abuse
• abilities diminished from being disabled, or movement severely limited
• basic personal freedoms lost (mobility, access, autonomy)
• competence / confidence damaged – from being tricked, trapped, mislead, opposed, sabotaged, let down
• goals & plans constantly thwarted, over a long time
• resources diminished from being defrauded, robbed, cheated, evicted
• safety or security reduced by intimidation or threat
• to see / watch a loved one sexually assaulted
• to watch a love interest flirt with another, causing intense jealousy

b. EMOTIONAL /PSYCHOLOGICAL
Being
• blamed for things that have nothing to do with you
• blatantly rejected, treated unfairly, forced to back down
• betrayed, cheated, lied to, defrauded, suckered, duped
• denied basic personal & emotional needs
• deprived of privileges, rights or human dignitymade fun of
• forced to swallow one’s pride
• laughed at, mocked, teased, ridiculed, given a dirty look
• lowered in ones own or another’s estimation, made to feel powerless
• dependent (not by choice), especially on weaker people
Being
 • made to look stupid or foolish
• manipulated, dominated, controlled, forced to submit
• taken for granted, used to fill a need in others
• denigrated for ones values & beliefs, made fun of
• snubbed, put down, disgraced, shamed (not ashamed)
• treated as an equal by someone of a lower-status
• treated like an object (it) or animal, rather than a person

NEXT: Humiliation (Part 2)