recovery

RECOVERY Thoughts for ACoAs

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

lion & lamb
MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR INNER JUDGE
– just don’t obey it!

PREVIOUS: My Rights Qs (25-48)

SITE: 5 Major Benefits of Recovery


This is a open-ended review – which can be used as a set of goals to work toward & to see our progress. Add your own to each category.

♥ Be absolutely sure that you:
• are damaged, not defective. Damage can be healed, & you’re OK
• can be of service to others without being co-dependent
• can say & believe – “I Know what I Know, & I can’t know everything”
• have a right to be alive, and be exactly who & what you are
• have a right to & can achieve a measure of healing & happiness

♥ Be Accepting of:
• all your emotions, no matter how unpleasant or socially unpopular
• other people’s differences. You don’t need them to be carbon copies
• your childhood damage, without constantly repeating it
• the time it takes to work on your issues
OF
• your own reactions to what others do & say to us
• your Inner Sadist (I.S.). The more they hurt us as kids, the angrier we are. If we make friends with the I.S. we don’t have to act it out on anyone
• other people’s kindness, compliments, validation
• our humanity, with it’s beauty & it’s imperfections

outer child♥ Be Aware :
• of your talents, gift, accumulated knowledge & experience
• of the options you have in most situations
• of your effect on others, positive or negative
• of how other people can trigger your old pain (the buttons)
AND
• that you’re not your own Higher Power
• that God is not an alcoholic parent
• that your emotions cannot harm others – only your words & actions
• that others’ reactions to you are about them & are their responsibility

♥ Be healed enough to:
• be able to take care of yourself, reasonably well
• hear what other people are actually telling you about themselves
• not try to fix others, no matter how much pain or trouble they’re in
• no longer be sexually attracted to emotionally or physically inappropriate or dangerous people (rage-aholics, alcoholics, gamblers drug addicts, & other narcissists)
TO:
• stay at a respectful distance from ‘nice people’ who are passive-aggressive, needy, or so shut down that you can’t connect with them
• act appropriately in most social situations – neither from perfectionism nor from rebellion, not from co-dependence nor from terror
• not have to obey your Toxic Rules
• to listen to good advice, but ultimately follow your gut & experience

♥ Be willing to:
• be as emotionally honest with others as you’re capable of, without hurting yourself or them (live in your truth)
• be the Good Parent & Healthy Adult, taking care of the Healthy kid
• express all your talents (skilled or imperfectly)
• follow your dreams, no matter who objects
• keep looking for answers to your difficulties. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help before you collapse!
• listen to the needs, thoughts & emotions of the WIC
• never give up, no matter how hard things are, but it’s good to take breaks
• not let the WIC run your live, nor let the kid do self-harming things

MAJOR RECOVERY TRUTH: A sure sign of mental health & emotional maturity is to know in your very bones that:
Most things being done to us or around us have NOTHING to do with US!
Being convinced that it does – comes from the PP or WIC.

self-love treeTo repeat: Most the time, “It’s not about us = ie – our True Self”!
That includes all the stuff our parents did to us, at us, on us, around us, BUT not about who we are fundamentally!
Even when people react to something we did or said, their behavior is their responsibility. As a reminder, see post on ‘Personal Responsibility’.

NEXT: “Feelings aren’t facts” #1

REQUEST of my READERS

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

 CELEBRATING A  YEAR & A HALF of posts

Thank you all for your continued interest in following this blog.

• For 30 years people have been saying I should be writing down all my material because it has been so helpful & they wanted to see it spread around.

• My answer always was “I’ll do it when I’m old”.  Well, this year I turned 65!  I started writing these posts at the end of March 2010 on my website (www.acoarecovery.com),  and began publishing them on WordPress in July.

• So I’m pleased to share this marker with everyone. AND, my Flag Counter  app shows that it’s being read in over 100 countries!

• MY REQUEST: Please write comments on posts whenever they touch you and let me know what you’re getting out of this work.

Tell me if I’m on the right track, if I’m leaving out anything, & what you’d like me to write about in the future.

My best wishes for your growth & peace of heart!

NEXT: Recovery Thoughts

RECOVERY – What IT IS & IS NOT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 9.30.12 AMLEARNING HOW TO BUILD A LIFE
on the experience of those who know

PREVIOUS: RECOVERY – IS & is NOT (#1)

SITE: “25 Things you do as an Adult when you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse”
(like the Laundry List)


RECOVERY
IS NOT….❖…eliminating ALL pain from our life
IS...❧…a combination of gains & losses, fulfillment & disappointment, joy & pain – part of being human, not superhuman.  Only addicts – of any kind – want ‘no pain’ & think that’s an appropriate goal
🦋

IS NOT…❖…trying to get from our family all the things we never got as kids, nor assume we can have a ‘great’ relationship with them – if only we were well enough

IS…❧…accepting there’s no ‘if only’ about our family & our childhood (SORRY!)
no more blame• It was their damage that prevented them from being all we needed.  It was never because of who we are/ were! Yes, it was done to us, at us, with us – but it was never ABOUT us  ie. our essence
• and, unless family members have been growing too, or changing enough, we may take more radical steps

We can choose how to deal with them – by :
a. having rare or no contact, to protect ourself from abuse & mind games
b. no contact for a long time, until we are more healed, so our buttons (which they installed) get much smaller :)! Then re-connect & see….

c. limited contact, to see who they really are, for clarification & validation of how they treated us – which will diminish our self-hate, & allow us to gain some emotional distance from the family drama
d. regular contact, spaced out AND only as friendly Adults.  Don’t expect them to be parental if they can’t. Interact superficially or only in ways that suites everyone. Don’t push for the impossible!

➼ Other people often disappoint, which can make us sad & angry. That’s normal. It just doesn’t have to devastate. NOW it’s truly up to us to become Kind Parent & Wise Adult for ourself, with the help of therapy, H.P., Program & other support systems.
🦋
IS NOT...❖…saying we have forgiven our family, as if it were an intellectual decision, made once & forever, hoping that will wipe out all of the damage they inflicted, & all of our pain

IS…❧…knowing that forgiveness is a gift from H.P. – a ‘letting go’ – as a result of our willingness to do Recovery work to clean out old emotional wounds.
Forgiveness is the end product of that work, rather than a prerequisite for growth, as many tell us. Forgiveness isn’t genuine without healing our rage & sorrow. (9 posts = 4 types)

PROOF : when we try to ‘will’ forgiveness & think it’s all behind us – eventually some life-event will stir up that unresolved pain & bite us in the butt. Besides, some abuses are un-forgivable! But we still have to let go of being a victim of our own rage by feeling the sadness that’s underneath (“Forgiveness Is an Inside Job“)
🦋

IS NOT…❖…getting over our rage, so we don’t have to feel it any more OR not having any more terror, worry, sadness… if/when we get ‘really healthy’Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 9.38.11 AM

IS... ❧…knowing & accepting that we’ll always have some vestiges of the old pain, fear, rage, shame & abandonment hurt, BUT that those Es doesn’t have to control us
…. being willing to separate internally, from the bad voice & externally, from harmful people. It’s absolutely necessary to get away from damaging situations & negative thoughts. After all, if you kept scraping away at a sore on your skin, it wouldn’t heal, would it?

• At first this ‘letting go’ can bring up fear & depression, but with time, it will allow us to heal old wounds, making us less fearful & angry.
We can find & use new ways to deal with those painful Es – by: learning to accept & comfort ourself & letting them out in safe places & ways. Then we’ll experience pleasant & joyful emotions as well.

NEXT: RECOVERY – IS & is NOT (#3) 

RECOVERY – What it IS & IS NOT (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , , ,

in with the new
OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW
Dismantling the old patterns

PREVIOUS: What Self-esteem IS

SITE:  Benefits of a Gratitude List

RECOVERY
IS NOT…❖…expecting to get unconditional love and perfect sanity from any human. It’s unrealistic, but the Wounded Inner Child demands it anyway. Now – when we don’t get it, we accuse others of abandoning us!

IS…❧…understanding that in adult relationships –  each person has their own needs.  Since our parents couldn’t give us unconditional love, when it would have been ‘normal’ & needed, we can only look for it now from ourself, our pets & our Higher Power.  As we interact with healthier people we will receive more appropriate companionship – be mirrored, understood, respected, considered, loved…but never perfectly!
🦋

IS NOT…❖…being free of emotions (Es) that were unacceptable in our family, controlling our Es or trying to have ‘appropriate’ Es. Those are signs of damaged thinking – (CDs) – NOT the same as being in control of our behavior!

IS…❧…accepting all emotions as legitimate. Humans are built with the capacity AND the need to feel. Es are the natural indicators of our reaction to any experience – to let us know whether something is good or bad for us. Re.T.E.A. —
• Actions may, or may not, be good, & can be corrected, over time
• Unhealthy Thoughts can be reframed & replaced, when harmful or incorrect
• Es just are. They can go from very joyful <–to–> very painful, but are never good or bad! We need to have access to a wide range of Es, with many shades. It gives us a sense of vibrancy & allows us to connect with others.

Only seeing everything in B & W = tv, paintings, walls, clothes….. can become quite boring. Suppressing or narrowing down Es (to 1 or 2, like rage or fear) will make us one-dimensional, possibly cold, hard, distant & ultimately limited.
The intensity & depth of our emotional reservoir of old childhood pain is so great that it will never be completely empty.  Accept this & learn how to manage Es rather than trying to spiritualize them away!
(review “Feelings Aren’t Facts” posts) (MORE re. hand-emotions)
🦋

IS NOT…❖…trying to permanently ‘fix’ our childhood damage, eliminating all character defects, doing is easily it & quickly.  Any effort to fix ourself means we think we’re bad, & that our badness is our own fault, SO we’re responsible for doing anything we can to eradicate it. (BTW, this is one of the reasons why many ACoAs are suicidal & want to be dead)

IS…❧…accepting that alcoholism & co-dependence have left deep scars & emotional hangovers. (Good / bad parenting @ ACoA site). These will take our life-time to gradually heal. Being human means we’ll never be perfect – but Recovery IS truly possible!  Many have proven it.

Humility (not humiliation) is acknowledging our human limitations, with a consistent willingness to evaluate ourself with compassion, in honesty & reality, modifying our thoughts & action when needed to reach our own goals
🦋

IS NOT…❖…being ‘serene’ all the time.
• To always be pleasant, kind, honest, thoughtful…is a disguise for a wide range of emotions we don’t find acceptable (anger, envy, greed….)
• To still be the good boy / girl, in the present, is the symbiotic need for our family’s approval, rather than becoming our own person
• Forever trying to be ‘so good’ is a negation of our legitimate rage & pain of childhood abandonment

IS...❧…gaining genuine serenity, based on a solid emotional, mental & spiritual foundation – from the inside.  This creates the unshakable knowledge that we are ok even when we’re in pain, under pressure, not understood or supported.
We can have upheaval, express intense pain / anger… and still be at peace, deep down.  Serenity is the by-product of knowing & accepting ourself in the moment, trusting our gut, having a great support system & a loving H. P.

NEXT: RECOVERY IS / IS NOT #2

ACoAs & SELF-ESTEEM – what it IS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

self-evealuationI KNOW WHO I AM
– & I approve!

PREVIOUS: What Self-Esteem is NOT

 

SELF-ESTEEM IS:
1. Knowing Ourself well (with + & – characteristics), accepting & genuinely enjoying who we are, without denial or arrogance
** Some years after both her parents had died, one woman Recovery said about herself: “It’s sad that they missed out on experiencing the wonderful person their child has matured into, & always was  from the start.”

2. Knowing that all our Emotions (Es) are legitimate, valid & a part of the complete personality.  There are NO negative Es – when referring to painful or “unacceptable” ones – because anything that is considered a negative should be gotten rid of. Reality : ALL emotions are part of being human and are valuable, because they tell us what’s right or wrong for US! So the term does not apply to Es.

3. Knowing that all our Needs are normal & acceptable, but understanding that not all of them will be met, all of the time. That some will take longer than others to achieve, & that some which we didn’t get in childhood may never be fully realized.  But the more we reach for them, the more we’ll get. mistakes

4. Being OK with being Human – realistically knowing what our limits & limitations are. That to be human will always mean making mistakes, not knowing some things, being imperfect, having weaknesses – as well as having the gifts of abilities & talents, which we can hone & enjoy

5. Accepting that no matter how ‘Good or Spiritual’ we are, life can still be unfair, bad things can happen to us, other people will sometimes mess us up… but that does not mean it’s personal or that we’re not trying hard enough.  Having S.E. means we have a right to be here – on the planet – & that our H.P. wants the best for us

6. Being willing & able to take Responsibility for ourself (all our T.E.A.s) without guilt, shame, fear of punishment or of being abandoned (FoA). We’re able to be our own motivator, rather that using others to give us permission to be or act.  We can protect ourself from other people’s damage, but also own all our reactions, especially to upsetting eventsbalance Es

7. Being able to live in Balance between extremes, most of the time (minimizing drama / trauma). Part of S.E. is knowing how to think clearly & accurately, which lowers anxiety
✏︎ Being peaceful does not mean standing still
✏︎ Being calm is not the same as being bored
Living between +25 & -25 is the best option, rather than -100 hopeless or +100 fantasy high.

8. Accepting that Process is part of all accomplishments & personal growth. Delays do not mean failure or being abandoned (never reaching a goal). Process takes time & with S.E. we know we can do a great deal.  When we fail, we have the ability to learn from mistakes, improve ourself & keep reaching for our dreams

9. Always looking for new things to Learn & explore, curious about ourself, other people, including all the newest developments & difficulties in world.
We can take time to research topics we don’t know about, especially relating to problems that come up with ourself or family. As we age – our brain stays functional longer IF we include something new & different every so often

relax10. Being able to freely Express ourself artistically, using all our talents, knowledge & special gifts. S.E. allows us to pursue our dreams, no matter where they lead us. Knowing that we can’t be perfect, we’re not afraid to share those talents with others

11. Being able to Relax, Enjoy, have fun, take time off, rest, ‘veg’ – regularly.  These experiences are necessary to increase ‘good’ chemicals in the brain, which elevate mood. It also give us time to process our daily experiences on internal conscious & sub-conscious levels & to heal from past wounds. We have a right to healthy pleasure!

NEXT: RECOVERY – Is & is NOT (Part 1)

ACoAs & SELF-ESTEEM – what it IS NOT

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

ACTING ALL SUPERIOR?  Not me-e-e

PREVIOUS: Recovery – IS & is NOT (#2)

SITE: Want more self-esteem? (links)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


IN IT’S SIMPLEST FORM, the opposite of self-hate is self-esteem. Since our Western culture is based a great deal on outer appearance, most people think that if you look & sound good, you must:
• have come from a nice, happy family background
• be happy, healthy & have good self-esteem (S.E.)

ACoAs believe that in spades, but neither one is proof that we’re ok. We assume that anyone who has OR seems to have personal qualities & a life style that we don’t (a variety of relationships, making $$, an education, travel…) – must have a positive sense of identity. Actually, there’s a big difference between true self-esteem & the facade of it.
☛ Various defense mechanisms can mimic it, especially narcissism.

Self Esteem is NOT….
1. …. acting entitled, superior, arrogant, pushy
superior• anyone who acts this way is covering feeling scared & insecure, even though they may not be consciously aware of it.  Acting entitled is narcissistic – they believe only they have rights!

2. …. always being right – having all the answers, needing to prove what we know
• ‘know-it-alls’ use their info as a battering ram or as a shield – either way it comes from insecurity. It’s a defense – they have to keep the facade of being better than they feel inside.  It’s also a way to keep emotions at bay – focusing on facts rather than emotions

3.…. based solely on activities or accomplishments
• there are people who are famous, rich, powerful – but we know from their bios that many are active addicts, spouse abusers & sometimes murderers, have relationships full of drama or can’t commit at all

attitude 24. …. being ‘cool’ – repressing emotions, being in control, not needing others, being mysterious, above it all
• it is actually being cut off from most or all their emotions, numb, hard, angry – keeping them disconnected from others. AND scared underneath : fear of failure, of abandonment, of being trapped & suffocated emotionally….

5. …. being perfect – the ‘good’ one, the Hero, Ms or Mr Popular
• while there is social acceptability in this persona, it is usually based in the co-dependent need to be approved of, to be mirrored by the admiration of others, rather than having a clear internal sense of self. Without this constant reinforcement, the person is depressed & at sea.

6. …. being powerful – lording it over others, being controlling
• the need to use personal or social power to make others submissive or compliant is both narcissistic & cruel – whether done by a CEO or a mother. All forms of controlling is based in fear, which the person is usually not aware of, or knows but is not willing to acknowledge

7. …. being a super-helper – rescuer, martyr, people-pleaser
super doer• being ‘wonderful’ to everyone, long-suffering, over-tolerant, over-doing… comes from LOW S.E. & FoA. Without Recovery, sooner or later, they may have some type of physical collapse &/or live with chronic depression

8. …. being superhuman – highly accomplished, chasing the impossible, being the best of the
best
• achieving big things may or may not benefit humanity. What’s important here is MOTIVATION. If the desire to succeed is compulsive, then it’s driven by anxiety, not S.E. – from fear of failure, fear of being found out as a fraud, fear of poverty, fear of being powerless, fear of being controlled….

 9. …. doing whatever we want – needing instant ‘grat’, having transient relationships, running away, ignoring others
• this is immaturity, run by the WIC – by fear, weak boundaries, narcissism, & irresponsibility

10. …. having lots of relationships, but superficially, with people who are:
• needy & insecure or narcissistic, are users, have the same social interests, like being paid attention to or rescued, want to be around fame & power…
NOTE : having ‘friends’ by itself does not automatically imply S.E. It depends on the quality, depth & mental health of the relationships

Part 2: What Self-Esteem IS

ACoAs – Deserving vs Rights (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: Deserving vs Rights #3

SITE : “Rights & Needs“

 

2. ACoA DAMAGE

3. HAVING RIGHTS (cont.)
Some rights are stated in our constitution – “that all men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness”

What is Inalienable ?
➼ The state of a thing, or a right not capable of being alienated – sold, surrendered or transferred – without the consent of the one possessing such rights, such as the natural right to be alive & be free

• This concept generally refers to the way a government is supposed to treat ‘the people’, although much of the world is run by regimes that don’t function that way.
It’s primarily a Western idea, but Anthropology, Archeology & Sociology, even Mythology, suggest that some ancient cultures also valued personal freedom, especially the matriarchal ones

• We may then make a comparison between the family unit & government – one group in the role of the authority over another group needing sustenance, guidance & support. Clearly, there are few governments & few families that respect these ideals

• The focus here, for ACoAs, is not about political rights, which are important, but being clear about personal rights, starting in childhood, which sets the tone for the rest of life. If we believe that human beings are born with certain fundamental rights, that also extends to how the family should treat their children. Again – one cannot earn basic human rights.

THINGS we did NOT EARN:
• being born with certain abilities & genetic predispositions, such as musical talent, a great immune system, a head for business, being extrovert or introvert, physical stamina, a quick & clever mind ….
• lucky accidents – being in the right place at the right time – but – we would need to take advantage of the opportunity to receive the benefits
• outright gifts from anyone who values us (or needs a tax break, lol)

PERSONAL RIGHTS
a. ‘Positives’ (recognized by law)feel safe
Most countries—though not the USA—have ratified the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which accords children a wide range of rights. These include, most centrally, the RIGHT :
• to have their ‘best interests’ be ‘a primary consideration’ in all actions concerning them (Article 3)
• to the ‘inherent right to life’ (Article 6), and
• of a child “who is capable of forming his or her own views … to express these views freely in all matters affecting the child” (Article 12). United Nations 1989.

b. Moral (children’s rights, everywhere)  FOR:
• age-appropriate guidance, including acceptance of our human limitations such as mistakes, inabilities, developmental stages of skill….
• all our opinions & emotions to be heard
• being treated with respect, no matter what age
• care, nurturing & unconditional acceptance (love)
• encouragement, validation, praise
• opportunities for positive social contact : play, education, creativity, relaxation, hanging out ….
TO:
• be paid healthy attention to, with boundaries
• be helped with & allowed to develop a spiritual basis for our life
• feel as safe as parents can possibly make us
• know & develop our personality to its full potential
• not be exploited for parents’ or other adults’ benefit

Right to Pursue Happiness (from philosophy)
This is freedom of action.
To live, we must be able to choose our values & act on them.
To achieve values, we must be free to think & do whatever it takes to develop ourselves, (sometimes including self-defeating actions) as long as it doesn’t conflict with the rights of others.
To appreciate the freedom of developing our values, we need to be of service to our community / wnew ideasorld, passing on our Rights

FOR ACoAs – Freedom means never being forced to devote our life to pleasing others – at our expense.
ASK: What qualities & activities are legitimate for you? especially those denied us when we were children.
ANS: S & I (separation & individuation) means we choose the best way to honor our True Self, no matter how much it conflicts with toxic family traditions & rules, while still keeping the best parts of our genetic inheritance!

NEXT: ACoAs & Self-esteem -What it is NOT #1

ACoAs – Deserving vs Rights (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

family junkI CAN CLAIM MY RIGHTS
no matter what they told me!

PREVIOUS: Deserving vs Rights (# 2)

REVIEW post: “Not Enough Love?”


See ACRONYM pg. for abbrev.

1. NOT Deserving

2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)

a. ACoAs – Some things cannot be earned, so we should never try – love, respect, options, freedom from abuse …. However, our damage comes in 2 flavors:
i. Under-‘deserving’:
Regardless of the source, hanging on to any tinge of ‘not allowed’ represents our allegiance to the bad voice – the toxic aspect of our parents & society. The WIC part of us would rather stay ‘small’, be invisible, ignore its talents & deny or limit its opportunities – rather than disobey the family rules – for fear of punishment, abandonment & psychological death!

Warning : The idea of ‘earning’ also relates to the phrase many healers want us to repeat “I forgive myself for….” This is counter-productive for ACoAs. Even if it’s meant to help us let go of self-blame, it does the opposite : reinforcing our belief that we caused our damage (earned & therefore deserve it) – by not being perfect-ly lovable!
'entitled'ii. Over-‘deserving’ : The narcissistic unquestioned assumption that someone is entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. Having been raised incorrectly, they end up selfish & arrogant – a seemingly opposite extreme of not deserving.
IRONICALLY – these people’s real focus is on trying to make up for the same deep-seated sense of not being accepted by family for their True Self

b. REALITY : There are things in life we DO need to earn – an education, our career, our income, Recovery, physical well-being, healthy respect, honors ….
Earning means we have to work at reaching certain goals, using our intelligence, persevering & asking for appropriate support

AND as adults we DO need to take responsibility for unhealthy actions which come from our damage – which is not the same as needing to forgive ourself. We are responsible for cleaning out & correcting the distortions we grew up with from the negative training we did not cause!
💕                         💕                     💕
3. HAVING RIGHTS
A “Right” is a moral principle which defines & sanctions the adult person’s freedom of action in a social context, & can be exercised without anyone’s permission.  A Right is a natural or God-given permit received at birth, to act in one’s own self-interest, with control over one’s own life & property as long as others are not injured.

This healthy version of Having Rights is one of many concepts antithetical to the ‘twin towers’ of alcoholism & narcissism. In terms of the dis-ease, Deserving & Having Rights are polar opposites.
People in Recovery often say that we “deserve to be……(loved), deserve to have…..(help) ”.  This can be misleading since it assumes that we did something to merit X or Y. Therefore if we fail to act a certain way we assume we don’t deserve those benefits. But again – some things can not be earned.

• As we mature & heal we eventually come to understand that just being born gives us certain rights, as human being with a soul & a connection to the Universal Spirit  – God – a far greater power than any one of us & beyond our understanding.
As stated in 12 Step Meetings: “God does not make trash!”
SO – if we are all one & part of the Universal Energy, then we do NOT have to earn / pay for / suffer for the qualities & benefits that are our human rights.

EXP: A Program boyfriend told Keisha: “My loving you is none of your business”. He meant that she had not caused him to love her, SO she couldn’t make him not love her. So she could stop obsessing about how she was going to ‘ruin it’ because she wasn’t good enough, or because of what she said or did.  If she had learned that  — every human always has the right to be loved — Keisha would never have worried at all ! It only depends on who we are with.

REMINDER: NO one has the power to make another person love us, including our parents. They either already had the ability – before we were born – or they didn’t! If not – it won’t suddenly appear if we’re just good enough.

NEXT: Deserve vs rights #4

ACoAs: Deserving vs Rights (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

ambivalence I’M ALLOWED, I’M NOT ALLOWED – if only I could be sure!

PREVIOUS: Deserving Vs. Rights (#1)
POST : “Not Enough Love?”


1. NOT Deserving
2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)
In many unhealthy families, kids got the message that we had to earn our parent’s love & approval – yet we never succeeded, because nothing we did was ever good enough for them. The ‘approval’ was conditional, AND was only tentatively given if the child completely submerged their own identity to conform to the alcoholic, narcissistic agenda of the family.

But no matter how hard we tired to please, we could never fully get what is every child’s birthright – just for being here!  This left us in a double bind & ultimately hopeless. This has kept us from developing genuine self-esteem, which can only come from being loved Unconditionally!

The resulting sense of unworthiness is so deeply ingrained in ACoAs that it prevents many of us from even imagining possibilities, much less allowing ourself to actively pursue normal goals, expressing our natural talents or following our dreams!

SHAME is the emotion (E) associated with any need we were NOT allowed to have, was made fun of, restricted or punished, & so became ashamed of having.
✳️ NEEDS are absolutely fundamental & normal human requirements – not arbitrary childish demands.
✅ WANTS are the ways we try to get those needs met.
SEE list of rights at Break the Cycle! & post “My Rights – Qs”  obey

ACoAs : As adults we – wrongly – believe we only can have things (sort of) if we follow the Toxic Rules.
 BUT obeying them leaves us convinced that TO:
• be loved – we have to eliminate our natural tendencies, please everyone else, not have needs, shut off many of our emotions, never object to other people abuse or selfishness…..
• get affection, attention / sex … we have to give in to whoever wants us – even when we can’t stand them, don’t want to do what someone else wants, lets others invade our boundaries, never object to abuse …..
• be respected &/or admired – we have to be perfect, out-achieve everyone else, have all the answers, ‘religiously’ follow our training …..

AND some ACoAs who are also not allowed to have their needs – become rebellious & try to grab everything they can. They’ll try anything to fill the ‘hole in our soul’ by vacuuming up as much as possible (attention, info, objects, power, variety…. ) = sexually promiscuous / over-eat / over-spend / over-learn / out-earn….
IRONICALLY – When ACoAs inherit money, we quickly squander it all because:
• we deeply believe we don’t deserve it (S-H), since we didn’t earn it (the PP voice)
• we’re emotionally & mentally immature – being run by the WIC
• have been so poor & deprived that we’re trying to make up for all our suffering
• feel guilty for having more than others, & our co-dependence tells us to give it away instead of valuing the gift & using it wisely

REALITY – being human is to be IMPERFECT.
Even so it means TO:
• be healthy, clear thinking, emotionally sane, sober
Jagel_Action-Reaction• have fun, relaxation, vacations, ‘veg time’
• object to all forms of mistreatment
• maintain our boundaries, & say ‘no!’….
• make mistakes, not know or be good at everything
• not have to rescue or people-please
• not like everything & even hate some things
• take care of our needs, be self-motivating

CONTRAST : Healthy parents teach & encourage these things & don’t demand / expect their children to earn them.
We did not receive that kind of nurturing, & only grudgingly given ‘love’ conditionally, if at all. Instead our family stated or implied  :
“Do what we want, be what we want – then we’ll let you live…..OR ELSE” (ARTICLE….)

 Healthy parents show LOVE when they:
– provide physical basics (food, shelter, clothes….)
– sometimes make sacrifices of their own needs, without guilting their children for it!
– make changes & adapt as needed because of the children & circumstances
– are willing to listen patiently, interested in kids’ lives
– teach them life skills & be good examples
– support child’s healthy interests & dreams, & be their biggest cheerleader, positive but realistic, always having the child’s best interest at heart.

NEXT: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 3)

ACoAs: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 1)

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PREVIOUS: My Rights Qs, 25-48

Posts: “Self-Hate & ACoAs”
•“People should treat me better, but….”

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DEF. of ‘Deserving’
⚙︎ Receiving something – good or bad – which you’ve earned, based on your actions.  It always carries a sense of balance or justice.
🌹This is why we can not deserve love, because we can not earn it. It is either given freely or not.

REPEAT : “I cannot earn love!” – a hard concept for ACoAs to believe, based on our childhood – since ‘being loved / accepted / approved of’ was conditional. BAD PARENT : “Do what I want, or else.”

1. The PROBLEM of NOT deserving
a. Family
In dysfunctional families ‘deserving’ ONLY refers to earning their acceptance. The adults who raised us did not feel worthy which was rigidly held in place by their low self-esteem (S-H), depression & deprivation mentality — so could not model deserving for us
b. Spiritual
Many religions teach us to feel ashamed, guilty & unworthy. Rigid non-Biblical teachings instill guilt, & control by fear. Anyone from a fundamentalist faith was taught that because we were born in sin “we are not worthy” of God’s love, period.  We are bad, bad, bad! This dogma is used to control & discipline children, & keep the ‘faithful’ in line.

✶ What’s left out of these teaching is the KEY to the message: God has given the world many gifts, first & foremost salvation from eternal separation from Him in the afterlife, in spite of our imperfections  ( John 3:16 & commentary)

NOTE : AA Steps 2 & 3  ” Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. ” “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”

The definition of ‘grace’ is unmerited favor – being given what we don’t deserve & cannot earn! (“A Bridge to Life“ & Bible verses)
We did not & cannot EARN grace or any of life’s benefits & beauty – they’re simply here for us to enjoy & partake of! Enjoy the lyrics to “Amazing Grace”,  a hymn universally beloved even by the non-religious.

🙆‍♀️ Too many people no longer consciously agree with the concept of original sin, BUT whatever our personal belief is now – as long as we live in deprivation – we’re agreeing with the introjected bad voice that keeps us trapped in a culture that has perverted the accurate meaning of spiritual teaching.

🙎🏽‍♀️ Some of us were not raised in any specific faith, so our sense of unworthiness would have more directly developed from unhappy & cruel interactions with parents & community.

2. ACoA DAMAGE
IMP: Parents are either capable or not capable of providing acceptance, love, compassion & validation – which has nothing to do with the personality, behavior, or gender of the child.
AGAIN: Love cannot be earned – it’s either given freely or not. And our family either did not at all – or only conditionally! We were taught by family & religion to feel UNdeserving of all kinds of good things.
Instead, we still believe that :
• asking for what we want & need is ‘selfish, sinful, arrogant, childish’…..
• other people (sometimes siblings) are definitely allowed to have good things – but not us, especially if we were scapegoated in our family
• we don’t even deserve to be alive, which we concluded —
— indirectly by being constantly ignored, put down & criticized, or
— directly from the messages about how they felt:  “You’ll be the death of me yet , Why did I have to have a kid like you , I never wanted kids anyway , You’re killing your mother/ father, You ruined my life”….

• ALSO – we’re afraid to improve ourself & our circumstances – beyond what our parents are or have accomplished, as if it would somehow diminish them (show them up).
» That would be breaking our symbiotic bond with them & no longer taking responsibility for their life-choices.
✒︎ Actually, healthy parents (& many immigrants) want the opposite – for their kids to do better than themselves & be the very best they’re capable of!

ACoAs DON’T DESERVE
 the BASICS – TO: CONTROL-ABOUT ME
• be ourself, have clear & strong opinions
• be talented, funny, creative, imaginative, intuitive
• be competent, functional, clever
• be appropriately visible, take our own center stage
• feel safe, respected as a person & for our ideas
• have all of our emotions, without judgement
• have & maintain our boundaries, & say ‘no!’ if needed
• shine, get attention, admiration, recognition, complements

NEXT: ‘Deserving’ vs. Having Rights (Part 2)