recovery

Anger – Triggers (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

angry robot

TOO MANY THINGS
can go wrong every day!

PREVIOUS: Anger Triggers  #2

SITE: “Anger: Moodjuice Self-help guide”

 

MORE Anger Triggers, set off by OTHER people or circumstances
🚹 Noise • construction work, babies crying, dogs barking
🚹 Overload • when too many stressors happen at the same time, so our coping capacity is exhausted (caregivers, working mothers….)

🚹 Pet Peeves • lazy, sloppy, dirty, chaotic people or places
• violation of personal rules/ values
• social irregularities, political issues
🚹 Powerlessness
• not able to fix or change someone/ thing that hurts us (so we don’t have to leave)

🚹 Stealing • lover or mate taking $$ or other things / ID theft / break-ins / business frauds
🚹 Stupidity • rules that make no sense
• not having or not using common sense
• government incompetence or deliberate harm
• favorite sports teams losing
🚹 Unfairness
• discrimination because of age, race, religion, gender, looks….
🚹 Unreliability
• broken promises, lateness, lies, repeated cancellations
• being let down when needing someone specific (disappointments)

STUFFING triggered EMOTIONS
Life is made up of energy ebb & flow, expressed, contained or withheld.
We take in – food, love, nature, beauty, affection….
We let out – art, exercise, emotions, sex, sports, talk…
…. a cycle of building & discharging vibrations, which only stops at death

🔻 Relaxed muscles are in low energy, but also anything that’s a road block keeps us tense
🔺 High energy that’s not moving tightens the muscles. People who are very afraid – will unconsciously hold their breath, so their lungs are always over-inflated, making them sigh a lot

When energy gets either too high or too low, people get more & more anxious. Then they try to find ways to dampen it or pump it up (over-eating, compulsive sex, fighting, smoking, drinking….)

• Our society (& unhealthy families) tell us what we’re allowed to express emotionally, & to ‘control’ how much to let out. We’ve been taught to be afraid of showing anger, loneliness, fear, mourning, insecurity – even too much joy or excitement (except @ sports or concerts)….. told to “calm down” & contain emotions rather than letting them out in healthy ways.

The energy of each unexpressed emotion gets stuffed into an imaginary POT. One way to tell how full it is – is by noticing the tension in our muscles – tight jaw or shoulders, having IBS, overall stiffness….

⬅️ Al Turtle’s CHARTS start by assigning each ‘provoking’ external event as 5 units, with a corresponding emotional response of 5 units, & then going up from there: trigger 50 = response 50, 500 = 500….
He calculates that by the time we’re age 20 most of us have at least 35,000 units of backed up energy in our body, which can use up tp 20 to 80% of our calorie intake – just to keep it all inside the POT.

No wonder we’re tired – suppressing emotions takes a great deal of effort, piling up until we implode (depression) or explode (rage)

Re. Anger – usually the amount of anger felt is in proportion to the provocation (trigger), so the larger the input (stressor), the larger the output (emotional intensity).
A child will explode as much as it needs to, then it’s over, & they stops. This is normal.
But adults have learned to cut too many of their feelings off. Then we end up with a very full POT,& it doesn’t take much of an external trigger (5 to 10 units worth) to set off a very big response (100 -1,000 units)! So a little thing that would “justify” a little anger often results in a huge amount of expressed rage.

RELIEF – The ONLY thing that relieves suppressed emotional energy is venting it appropriately – as a way of ‘completing’ / ending the emotion – so it does’t hang around. Nothing else works.

Regularly emptying the POT  – a little at a time, in small doses – actually gives us more energy because we’re releasing the tremendous effort needed to hold it in.
Many of us are not aware of how hard we’re working to sit on emotions, because consistently tight muscles become numb after a while. That’s why doing emotional-release body work is so important as part of Recovery.
SITE : Polyvagal Theory, a Ladder of  Nervous States – the mammalian autonomic nervous system provides the neurophysiological substrates for adaptive behavioral strategies.

BOOK: “The Body Keeps the Score” ˜~Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. (Overview & chapter summaries)

NEXT: Anger & ACoAs,  #1

Anger – Triggers (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

many triggers I CAN ONLY COPE WITH
but so much stress!

PREVIOUS: Anger Triggers (#1)

SITE:Aggressive Driving & Road Rage
Anger Worksheets – Checklists


1. Internal (in Part 1)

2. EXTERNAL Triggers
Triggers are all the PPT that make us uncomfortable – causing emotional distress of some sort.
Anger is only one response to negative external experiences. The most common is fear, in the form of dread or anxiety. It can also be sadness, frustration, feeling abandoned…..
The defenses that have helped us survive can also cause intense painful reactions – when it seems that someone’s not respecting or valuing what makes us special

We get triggered when the brain thinks we will be or have been deprived of a positive need that’s important to us. Then we quickly rationalize & justify our anger or fear-behaviors so we don’t look so bad. (see LIST of NEEDS). Of course, when we can access the Healthy Adult voice we can catch the over-reaction, giving us time to discover if the threat is real or not.

REMINDER – While there are ‘universal’ things that annoy most of us, it’s important to figure out what our particular buttons are, so we can deal with them differently or at least better – mainly for our own benefit
(see post re. Damaged Needs)
ALSO – there are situations which legitimately SHOULD make us angry – such as physical, mental & emotional boundary violations & abuses

BUT, much of the time our anger stems from our harmful past :
• things family, school, church…. did to us when we coulSTRESS listdn’t stand up for ourselves (“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”)
• AND, our reactions are based on what we were / were not allowed, as well as watching how adults dealt with their anger, hurt, frustration….

STRESSORS predispose us to anger, & the amount of stress we’re under at a given moment determines if we ‘let fly’, & to what extent
► The following Anger Triggers come from other people or circumstance. They may not all apply to you, so focus on the ones that do, & go back to Part 1 to see what might be under your anger/rage.

🚹 Abuses = all PMES forms (“Emotional Abuse”)
🚹 ‘Bad’ parents = drunk, controlling, insensitive, manipulative, mentally ill, narcissistic, negative, unavailable, unreliable…..

🚹 Betrayal  • a cheating spouse
• anyone going behind your back to cause you problems
• someone passing on private info to others / using it against you
• ‘friends’ spreading malicious gossip
• taking credit for your ideas or work
🚹 Boundary invasions • someone going thru your stuff
• being woken prematurely (in the middle of a REM cycle)
• continual / repeated loud noises, music, neighbors
• telemarketers / tv ads / popups

🚹 Breakage / breakdowns
• equipment failure (esp. when most needed)
• tech complications or malfunctions
• destruction of a favorite or prized object/possession
🚹 Concerns
• worrying about family members (health, finances….)
• wondering what might have happened to them
• not able to help someone in trouble (powerless)
• worry about possible injury to self or a loved one / health problems

🚹 Communication problems
• being put on hold – especially for a long time
• dealing with incompetent “customer service” calls
• not heard, words twisted, ideas misunderstood or used against you
• given the wrong instruction or info (esp. when important)
🚹 Delays / Interruptions
• obstacle to reaching goals (the closer to an important goal when interrupted – the greater our anger)
• prevented from completing any ongoing task, especially if meaningful
• interference with planned fun / entertaining activities
• long lines, slow service
• waiting for something you badly want right now

🚹 Disrespected / Embarrassed / Humiliated / Shamed
• being treated as unimportant, invisible, stupid….
• not obeyed when you’re in authority (parent, boss….)
• belittled, called on the carpet…. especially in front of others
• being with someone who acts badly, as a reflection on you

Anger- red range 🚹 History • annoying or painful behavior someone repeats & repeats – even when asked many times to stop. Over time will accumulate frustration & then become anger
🚹 Lack of consideration
• often texting when with you, anywhere
• loud cell conversations in enclosed spaces
• talking at movies, concerts….
🚹 Losses • of illusions or of hope
• of a relationship, job, home, health…..
• death of a loved one, friend, pet…

CHART ↗️  : Anger colors + 8 other Emos  

⬇️ ANOTHER look at the Anger Cycle comes from Ronald Potter-Efron’s best-seller “Angry All the Time” – Normal vs Chronic anger

 

ALSO: See an expanded behavior cycle – applied to anger & other dysfunctional patterns (from “Anger management for Kids”)
NOTE: This site includes other links, which may help ACoAs teach our Wounded Inner Child how to deal with our anger.

NEXT: Anger triggers (#3)

Anger – TRIGGERS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

THERE’S NO END OF THINGS
that can set me off!

PREVIOUS: Negative Uses (#2)

SITE: Anger TRIGGERS Qs

Series of POSTs : “What Just Happened? – Noticing painful events”


WHAT GETS US MAD?
a Trigger + our point of view about it + our personal temperament = anger (but not always or for everyone)
Our Anger reaction to PPT is usually a combination of internal & external factors. Sometimes external events that bother us are actually positive or neutral, but because of internal damage (WIC & PP) we automatically get angry.  EXP – for ACoAs:
√ being accused wrongly enrages us
√ being accused rightly terrifies us (then we get angry or defensive)

• While there are legitimate reasons for reacting, under the anger are ‘sensitive’ emotions we may not want to admit to, such as loneliness, need, loss, abandonment pain, fear, sadness….. making us feel too vulnerable.

Everyone has some triggers, based on our personality & childhood experiences. Anyone interested in personal growth needs to identify their specific buttons, to better manage verbal & physical responses. (Iceberg)

1. INTERNAL Triggers
a. EMOTIONALLY , the Big-3 inevitable triggers – are:
• HURT – to our feelings, our integrity, an important loss, an insult to anyone / anything we love…..
• SCARED – Physical or emotional danger
EXP: Man on bike with little son on the back almost gets side-swiped by a bus pulling to the curb, making him yell & hit the bus with his fist as he turns that same corner
• FRUSTRATED – whenever someone /thing blocks us from reaching a goal (big or small), especially if it’s very important to us, or if it’s been for a long time

b.  Our own PERSONALITY – as mentioned elsewhere, genetics plays a part in our temperament. Some are more easily revved up when something goes wrong for them. (Enneagram 8s, certain astrological  ‘Squares’, or positions such as Mars in Scorp……)

c.  EXPECTATIONS – too High or unrealistic (re. others)
When held as demands, they usually create a lack of frustration-tolerance, leading to inappropriate anger-expressions, including :
√ a deeply rooted belief that our circumstances & people ‘have to / need to’ be exactly as we want
√ a tendency to lecture people on how they ‘should’ / ‘should not’ behave (MORE….)

d.  DISTORTIONS – cognitive (CDs) & Toxic Beliefs S-H
such as : awfulizing, blaming, discomfort-intolerance, mind-reading, filtering, perfectionism….. At best they will lead to disappointment & frustration, at worst to Self-Hate & rage.
False beliefs cause anxiety, & sometimes aggression, in an effort to ward off perceived threats to our well-being OR self-image

CDs cause us to misinterpret facts, events, or other people’s actions as threats to achieving our goals, or as attacks on our dignity, rules or property. This ends in wrong conclusions, leading to harmful reactions (DRAWING)

e. IMPULSIVENESS (poor emotional control)
While some of us are naturally more ‘sensitive’ than others, impulsive reactions can usually be traced back to our WIC, filled with anxiety from past trauma. The more anxiety, the more easily stress gets expressed as bursts of anger.
Some only let it out around people we’re close too, others only toward strangers. But instantaneous over-reactions tell us the Amygdala is in charge, not the Cortex. That’s why it’s considered psychologically immature.

🔥ANGER CYCLE – unhealthy responses to events which hurt, frustrate of scare us :
1. Trigger – by a loss, words, actions or anything that will set off anger
2. Internal Reaction – pain, letting us know that something’s ‘wrong’

3. Intensification –  a chemical flush released in the brain, which dramatically increases heart rate & breathing.
This can give a volatile person an excuse to justify how they’re feeling, but most of the time the anger is from distorted thinking.

4. External Barrier Break – some obvious signs of anger can be clearly seen by others, such as crying, angry gestures, shouting verbal threats….
5. Explosive Peak – a verbally &/or physically violent expression of anger. Dangerous to others, but also to ourself – by saying or doing things we may not really mean but will get us in trouble

6. Exhaustion & Withdrawal – when the anger / rage had died down or dissipated, then intense self-judgment follows
7. Final Stage
a. Remorse & Apology : with some people – when they realize they’ve over-reacted – will admit their error & apologize
OR
b. Intense Justification : others (especially narcissists) will not admit they’ve done/said anything wrong, & find a ‘good’ reason for their behavior, including blaming others for causing their upset

REPEAT the above pattern – Whether one is a chronic or occasional rager, without Pattern Correction, this cycle will continue.  (From DAMBREAKER)
(⬆️ Anger Cycle chart from extensive ClinMed article)

NEXT: Anger triggers (Part 2)

Anger – Positive USES (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

k7607080I CAN CONTROL EVERYONE
if I’m just ‘nice’ enough

PREVIOUS: Negative Uses #2

SITE: “The uses of Anger” + Richard Prior story

BOOKs: “8 Keys to Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness“– Andrea Brandt

BASIC purpose of anger: To manage internal & external stimuli (PPT) and as a response to situations that produce fear, hurt or frustration.
➼ Fear is for keeping us safe
➼ Love is for bonding
➼ Anger is for righting wrongs – so the emotion of anger is never the problem, only how we act.

HEALTHY anger
When psychologically healthy people put off solving a problem or difficulty, they don’t waste time & energy endlessly mulling over being wronged, having limitations, frustrations, illness…..
Instead, they figure out what their realistic options are, & then move on to something else, waiting for the right time to act – if at all possible.  If not, they accept reality, acknowledge their anger & then let go!

CONSTRUCTIVE anger usually involves both parties in a dispute, not just the ‘original’ angry one. In best-case scenarios, the angry person expresses their grievance, the target person listens, & then responds appropriately.

If the anger is justified & the response suitable, the mis-understanding or problem is usually corrected. The Q. then is not “Should I express anger or should I suppress it?, but rather “What can we do to solve the problem?” (MORE…..)

• In our culture, on one hand, anger is respected as a sign personal strength & self-confidence.
On the other hand, most people are afraid of someone being angry because it’s associated with aggression & violence.

However, bad behavior is not automatic or inevitable. Anger can actually help reduce violence in many social settings, because intimidated people become more obliging, who will placate the angry one, thus minimizing the other’s upset, which prevents escalation.

— Authors Howard Kassinove PhD, & Chip Tafrate, PhD, tells us that
“In fact, anger seems only to be followed by aggression about 10% of the time, & a lot of aggression (action) occurs without any anger (emotion)”.
— James Averill, PhD, from U. of Mass. says that
“When you look at everyday minor episodes of anger, as opposed to more dramatic ones, the results are usually positive”.  (MORE…..)

NEURO-PLASTICITY can correct negative Beliefs , which will modify painful Emotions:
The brain is like putty – it can be trained & repeatedly reshaped. Since stressful emotions AND uplifting emotions occupy the same ‘real estate’ (the amygdala), we can use anger to tell us what difficult experience, bad news or disappointment will trigger our inner Green Hulk.

EXP: Getting stuck in heavy traffic often generates frustration & rage. It’s not the delay that creates those emotions – but rather what we’re saying to ourselves:
“Get out of my way you jerks, I’m going to be late, Everyone’s always causing me problems, This is going to screw up my appointment, Why does this always happen to me?….”.
Being angry every time we feel trapped strengthens a specific neural pathway, cementing the emotion. (ALSO: Humor & Negativity)

• When there’s nothing we can actually do about the delay, in that moment it would help to notice & then change what we’re saying to ourselves, which can change how we feel.

If we redirect our attention to something soothing – very time we’re on the road (remembering a beloved pet or a recent success, talking to the Inner Child, listening to Scripture….) – eventually we’ll form a more pleasant emotional response.
We can start linking traffic with stillness or comfort. We can listen to interesting tapes, sing along to our favorite music, think thru a knotty problem or create/ design of something we can make later.

stuck in traffic CHANGE:  Because the Amygdala holds memories associated with various emotional responses, it will remember the positive changes we make when we combine a careful observation our own personality traits ➕ situations that set us off ➕ a willingness to change our automatic responses (T,E,A,s).

It takes patience & repetition to form new pathways, so by not using the old one (neural inhibition) the brain is slowly rewired.
As we keep practicing, being able to feel more peaceful gets easier & more natural. Practicing self-evaluation & making beneficial changes create self-mastery, which give you a sense of empowerment, key factors in feeling safer & more content.

NEXT: Positive uses #2

Anger – Negative USES (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

anger at selfPREVIOUS: Negative use of anger #1

 

SITE:  “PFC & Mirror Neurons: The Arena of Shen & Hun?” (scroll way down) From Chinese medicine

 

NEGATIVE uses of Anger (cont.)

Toward SELF
Over-ATTENTION – a negative way to be seen, heard, respected, feared…
FALSE POWER – that lets you to think / feel like you’re totally in charge of Self, others & life in general, when you’re actually NOT
ISOLATION – withdrawn, from being so angry at the way people are – disappointing, hurtful, thoughtless, unavailable….without having heathy ways to interact (“The whole world sucks, so I’m not participating”)

Toward OTHERS
ATTACK– display of anger used as a weapon, but not necessarily actually feeling angry : to intimidate, punish, destroy someone’s self-image, shock into submission (bosses, salesmen, cops, cult leaders….)

COERCE – use your position of power to dominate, force someone to back down, be quiet, do only what you want – against their will…. Bullies only win if they appear powerful AND the other side’s options are limited

CONTROL
• keep trying to get someone to change for you (be what you want or think you need)
• to mange or change how some else ‘feels’
• to get your own way about something, at another’s expense
• to make someone feel guilty so you don’t have to be responsible

DEFENSE against:
• being abandoned (“if I keep finding fault & being angry at you, I can leave first”)
• others’ emotions, which can trigger Es you don’t want to feel, also against someone’s FEAR, which makes you feel scared too
DEMEAN another to feel one-up or less vulnerable : make fun of, dismiss, degrade, insult, roll one’s eyes, shame, mimic….

DISTANCE: prevent others from getting too close, in general
• avoid  1-to-1 physical &/or emotional intimacy
• as false boundaries / walls to protect your vulnerable inner self
• to block someone trying to communication

Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.54 PMDIVERT / deflect someone’s attention away from:
• a sensitive / painful topic
• information you wants to hide
• facts you don’t want to hear
• situations you can’t handle or want to escape
• a personal weakness or limitation

ENTITLED
Getting away with inappropriate anger creates & then reinforces a false sense of entitlement —> An illusory feeling of moral superiority that can be used to justify rude, arrogant, immoral actions, with the belief that the “end justifies the means” (bullying, collateral damage, domestic abuse, prejudice, purges, terrorism…)

MANIPULATE – keep people off-balance, even when not really angry,
• so you don’t have to do what they want, (but won’t admit it)
• can’t give them what they want (afraid to say NO)
• stop them from expecting or demanding something of you
• deflect their anger at you

PROJECTION
Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.43 PM• of your abusive/neglectful parents on to others, OR
• projecting only negative outcomes into the future – about something you want or is important to you, but assume you won’t get
PUNISH / revenge : as payback for real or imagined injury

SEPARATION
• always starting a fight before leach time you leave a lover
• inappropriate way to separate or be left behind (cover FoA)
• destroy other people’s boundaries (need for symbiosis)
SUPPRESS
• deny practical & realistic needs of another – so you don’t have to deal with or provide them
• ‘stop’ others expressing their emotions (“Don’t cry!”) – so they don’t trigger your own vulnerability, OR
• because you believe you have to fix them but don’t know how & don’t really want to!

INTERESTING: In Chinese medicine, Emotions are considered large movements of energy which override the Qi’s usual flow through the body’s channels.  The 5 movements of energy are: Anger, Fear, Grief, Joy, Meditation

ANGER energy gets pushed out in a jagged way, disturbing the Liver, whose job is to lift energy up to the Swood elementpirit, at the center of the SHENG cycle

• Used in Acupuncture, this cycle represents creativity, generation & production, Each element feeds Qi to the one on its right, clockwise – creating the next one, as a mother creates a child. (Scroll to 5 element chart)  / ALSO: “Applying the 5 elements”

EXP: LIVER = Wood transforms (by burning) into HEART = Fire.
Wood is the Element of determination, anger & assertion. It produces the creative urge to achieve – which can turn to anger when frustrated.
Wood-anger, expressed aggressively, can also come from not feeling in control of life events.

NEXT: Positive Uses of Anger, #1

Anger – Negative USES (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

negative anger

 I CAN CONTROL ANYONE
when I’m angry

PREVIOUS: Anger – positive uses

SITEs: “The Downside of Anger”

• “Angry/negative people can be bad for your brain” (Mirror Neurons &  Emotional contagion).

BOOK: “IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING” re. manipulative people

► ANGER  is UNHEALTHY – when it:
📌 Causes big problems
If situations which generate anger are not solved or are just walked away from, anger will build until there’s some kind of explosion, leading to trouble (being expelled or fired, arrested, injuring others, auto-immune illness, bad relationships…) T.E.A. circles

📌 Doesn’t happen enough
• Repressing our anger teaches others that it’s totally OK to treat us with disrespect, insensitively, or blatant abuse
• AND, it allows us to continue to stay less emotionally aware & less socially skillful, & therefore less valuable in society
• Leaking it out indirectly teaches others that we’re not actually safe to be around, not empathic or emotionally responsible

📌 Happens too much
The chronically angry person – who tends to express anger more than 5-6x a week, as in having ‘a chip on your shoulder’. It makes others feel they have to walk on eggshells around that person

📌 Lasts a long time
When it’s more than a day, for around 30% of people. It tends to go along with obsessions, Toxic Beliefs, CDs, S-H & difficulty with personal Boundaries.
For ACoAs, anger & rage often lasts for months, even years – with no resolution, because WE:
• are not allowed to feel the angry at all, especially at our parents, or at any kind of abuse
• deny the depth & breadth of the anger, & the other emotions that are underneath
• have never been taught how to express it correctly & productively

When it is :
📌 Expressed badly (unsuccessful/harmful) : being passive-aggressive, giving the cold shoulder, insulting, shouting, swearing, retaliating, spreading rumors, malicious gossip….. OR
when food, chemicals, media…. are used to calm down / numb out

📌 Over-reactive : the intensity of emotion & physical / verbal expression are out of proportion to the trigger – because the current incident stepped on a ‘sore toe’ from past abuse. And if others also get angry in reaction to us, things can easily escalate, often obscuring the original upset.

BITTERNESS has been described as “the crusty disease that grow on unprocessed anger…. which has boiled, simmered, & then found to be so unpalatable that it’s been thrown into the deep freeze of our unconscious psyche.
Refrigeration doesn’t work well, since cooled anger turns to resentment & bitterness. It has an annoying tendency to leak out at inappropriate times, upsetting good relationships, disturbing our dreams & filling us with a vague discontent.” ~ Elizabeth Spring,  MA

RESENTMENTS are the mental version of anger – not the actual emotion. They’re obsessions recounting real or imagined hurts we’ve experienced, with no way to move past them.
• According to Philosophy Prof Dr. R.C Solomon, U of TX:
– Resentment/ bitterness is directed at someone of higher status than oneself
– Anger is at those of equal status, &
– Contempt is at those of lower-status.
These are painful emotions which mainly harm us IF held for too long, & then inevitably spill over onto others (targets).

√ The underlying cause of Bitterness (tree) is having suffered long-term abuse when one truly was or felt powerless to stop it
√ Resentment, which is focused on someone else, can be triggered by remembering very upsetting experiences they caused us
√ When turned on oneself, resentment becomes remorse, & then S-H (More.…)

• Unacknowledged hurts can take the form of: Animosity, Antagonism, Implacability (not appease-able), Hatred, Infantile Narcissism, Pathological Pride, Vindictiveness, Verbal, Physical & Emotional cruelty. (Explanations….).

Al-Anon reminds us that: “(unrealistic) expectations are planned disappointments, leading to resentment.”  There are many people, situations or things in the present we can hook the resentments on to, but all are smoke screens for the underlying pain of unresolved childhood trauma.

NEXT: Negative Uses (Part 2)

Anger TYPES (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Anger TYPES (Part 1)

SITEs: The Primacy of Anger Problems
• Anger Problems: A Smokescreen for Fear-Shame Phobia
• 5-min. stress release exercise (Green : Anger —-> Compassion, Love)

⬆️ HAND : Emotions for each finger (painful & pleasant forms), with  senses & body areas, & how they’re connected to the Spinal Column 

🌐
DEGREES of FEAR & ANGER
We can use the temperature chart below to stay aware of what we’re T.E.A. chartfeeling, mainly driven by what we’re thinking, since the combination directly effects how we act (TEAs)

• Whenever possible, especially around people we don’t know, are not close to, or who are unhealthy (active addicts & other narcissists), it’s self-protective & appropriate to only show how we feel on the outside of the Emotion Circle 🔽, because those reactions are milder.Screen Shot 2014-12-26 at 10.41.37 PM
In most social situations, people will be more comfortable around us if we’re ‘tentative’ or ‘pleasant’ — > rather than ‘hysterical’, ‘aggravated’ or ‘enraged’…. making us more likable, which we all want, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. ( 2 CHARTS )

ALSO, if we do let out how we actually feel – from the center of the circle (intense) – it can influence others to become reactive too, as a result of echoing our feelings (via mirror neurons), so that when we:
• get enraged, others may also get angry
• feel depressed, others can get ‘down’,
JUST AS when we:
• get exited, others tend to also feel happy
• feel calm, others can feel more relaxed

REMINDER: This in not to deny our emotions, nor to be co-dependent – worrying about how others feel. Always distinguish between having an emotion & expressing it. It is a reminder :
➼ to stay awake for what’s going on inside, & work on letting the Adult ego state be more in charge, rather than the WIC
AND
➼ that we do have an effect on others – surprise, surprise! which many of us don’t realize – or believe – since our family never saw or responded to the REAL us.

For many of us, we were treated only as a burden, a nuisance or as a useful ‘tool’. 
So now we need to become visible to ourself & choose healthy people to correctly mirror us (validate) – people who have good boundaries & a clear sense of their own True Self.  (MORE…..The Anger Thermostat)

Anger as predictive SYMPTOM of Psychological Disorders
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)emotional illness
Periodic eruptions of anger & rage, which are not in proportion to circumstances, most commonly seen in impulsive young men – but also for some ACoAs.
In this state they may threaten, assault others, harm themself, &/or destroy property. Such eruptions come after a period of heightened internal tension, followed by a feeling of emotional release, & then immediate regret

Depressive Disorders
Diminished self-esteem, heightened self-pity, irritability, low mood, low frustration tolerance – can create anger-control problems. Men are less likely to report depression & anxiety, with ego-shame an underlying cause. For women it’s more likely fear-of-abandonment, loss & rejection.

Anxiety Disorders
Sufferers of Depression & Anxiety are often in a continual state of tension. Their overworked nervous system alternates between hyper-arousal & exhaustion, priming the brain for an anger or rage reaction.

This group includes those with Generalized Anxiety, Panic attacks, PTSD, & Phobias. Also, OCD (mainly physical), setting the stage for resentments, because the person is more likely to hang on to envy / jealousy, fear of abandonment, & fantasies of being disrespected, harmed or victimized – in the present.

Personality Disorders are characterized by overall rigidity & denial.
• Obsessive Compulsives : OCPD – mainly psychological, and OCD -mainly chemical – sufferers act as if their life depends on reaching a particular goal or having their demands met. Anger rises when those are frustrated. They are demanding, judgmental & perfectionistic.

• Narcissists (NPD) are subject to rage reactions when their desperate need for attention or admiration is frustrated
• Histrionics (HPD) are vulnerable to angry outbursts when emotionally flooded
• Borderlines (BPD) are exceptionally vulnerable to anger because of weak or nonexistent sense of belonging & self-worth. This causes a roller-coaster emotionality, with rage reactions & unstable relationships.  (See all Psych Disorder posts w/ extended info).

CONSTRUCTIVE ANGER
In contrast, for healthy people, anger comes from their Adult ego state, in response to a specific present-day issue, prompting us to act in a positive way to protect against danger, to remove an obstacle in our path, or to right an injustice. (More in other posts).

NEXT: ANGER – ways to react (Part 1)

Anger TYPES (Part 1)

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dragging angerI’M STILL CARRYING
all this baggage – mine AND theirs!

PREVIOUS: Anger & the Brain (#5)

SITE: Naming types of anger – worksheet

NOTE: That Anger is considered a secondary emotion is only part of the story. Yes – it’s often used to cover up more vulnerable emotions we don’t want to experience or admit to (fear, guilt, neediness, loneliness….), but it’s also an underlying feature of neurotic narcissism & sense of entitlement (Post : “Narcissistic Rage” – scroll down a bit)

However, like anxiety, anger is an appropriate & legitimate instant reaction to anything threatening our physical, psychological, spiritual or existential integrity.
Being angry in stress circumstances is to assert of our most basic identity. Without it we wouldn’t be able to defend ourself or those we love, when needed to fight for freedom, or for what we truly believe in & value

😡 BASIC CATEGORIES identified by psychologists
• Hasty & sudden – connected to the impulse for self-preservation. It’s shared by human & non-humans, when tormented or trapped
• Settled & deliberate, a reaction to perceived deliberate harm or actual unfair treatment by others. These 2 forms are occasional & based on triggers. However,
• Dispositional is related more to personality traits than instincts or thoughts – someone who is more easily irritated, sullen, rude, difficult to work or deal with…. & therefore the anger is character-driven

RANGE of expression chart – tells us that:
• Silent, unexpressed anger – like deliberately ignoring someone – is experienced by the ‘target’ as psychic murder

• Loudly expressed anger may be experienced by others as physical murder.  Overt rage tends to be sudden, undeserved & often uncontrolled. It unleashes waves of negative energy on another person, making them instantly weak. Both types are especially harmful to children

😡 INTERESTING distinction:
WET ANGER – the eyes water & voice shakes, the type we hate because we’re angry and crying. It makes us feel weak, because it shows we still care too much
DRY ANGER – when the face is like stone, the voice is sharp, which means we’re done! ~ Unknown

😡 OUR PAST ANGER
OLD but ongoing: Anger as a direct result of the trauma we’ve suffered, often on a daily basis, & therefore reasonable, but not caused by a current event. It’s long-term, maybe just under the surface simmering, or suppressed. But the origin is very real, especially when we were the most vulnerable & powerless.

Directed AT US: Someone’s current behavior toward us triggers our deep well of fear, frustration & hurt (Aaron Beck, 1980s).
Our anger-reaction is an attempt to protect ourself from further injury when feeling threatened, slighted or rejected – deliberate or not. Our rage can be explosive & feel like it’s taking over, since the situation reminds us, consciously or unconsciously, of very real childhood PMES abuse.

This explains out-of-proportion reactions, because “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. While the source was real, often the present cause is not actually dangerous, because the triggering incident is neutral or minor, AND we are no longer a powerless child, even though we may be run by the WIC.

observing abuseHappening TO SOMEONE ELSE: Intense anger in the present, but not from something happening to / at us. It’s an empathic over-reaction to something we see or hear actually happening to someone else, pushing an unhealed button

EXP – We can get very angry when we:
• see a mother verbally abusing or ignoring her child
• watch a movie where someone is being treated as if invisible, made fun of, threatened, beaten, molested….
• see animal abuse or neglect (identification with)….. bringing up memories

😡 INTROJECT’s Anger (the PigP)
Anger we carry absorbed from one or more passive-aggressive or raging parents / caretakers. It became so much a part of us that now we don’t even recognize it as “not mine”.

We absorbed all their emotions, (not our choice at that time) from:
• adults unloading their disowned rage & hurt on to us, as verbal & physical abuse
AND from :parent's rage
• a genuine love for our family, the Child’s desire to ‘help’ our parents by taking on some of their suffering, as if we could lighten their burden

IMP: ACoAs need to separate out their anger & rage from our own – their childhood disowned pain passed on to us vs. our anger at how they treated us. Then mentally ‘package it up’ & return it.
This can be done with visualizations, drawings & body work.

NEXT: Anger Types #2

Anger & the BRAIN (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG
must be those pesky chemicals!

PREVIOUS:
Anger & the Brain (# 4)

SITE:The Brain in Love – areas that are ‘switched off’

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

1. ASYMMETRICAL –
Although most brain functions can be found in both hemispheres (More…), each side has its specializations. The 2 main organizing principles for emotions in the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) are based on the slight differences in lobe size, & the differing ways they processing emotions, which are:
a) ‘Emotional Valence’ (pleasant-unpleasant)
b) ‘Motivational Direction’ (approach-withdrawal)

Under positive circumstances, these complementary processes give us the ability to maintain & achieve current action-goals in the face of emotional distraction (sad, angry, excited…..)

2. COMBINED ⬆️
a. Approach – The LEFT lobe of the PFC mainly produces chemicals for connections, that allow us to experience pleasurable emotions (joy, interest, relief, love, pleasure…), making it easy for us to be close to others. Damage to this side causes depression.
ALSO – it mainly controls verbal ability & decision-making – about what experiences to store in memory. Interesting : ‘Positive’ emotions improve verbal memory, but hinder spatial memory.

b. Withdrawal – The RIGHT hemisphere is the main source of chemicals generating unpleasant & painful emotions, such as fear, dread, anxiety, disappointment…. which create the desire to withdraw.
These emotions are especially needed to encourage withdrawing from or avoiding inappropriate & dangerous situations. Damage to this side causes anxiety.

ALSO – it mainly deals with spacial tasks, retrieving & monitoring the value of stored memories, & nonverbal movement such as facial expressions. The reverse of the Left side, RIGHT side’s ‘negative’ emotions improve spacial memory, but hinder verbal memory. (🔼 CHART + info)

However – anger seems to be a special case, since it’s more likely to activate the LEFT lobe of the prefrontal cortex. Even though we’ve been taught to think of anger as a negative, Señorita Neus Herrero, (U. of Valencia, Spain) points out that :
“Normally when we get angry we show a natural tendency to get closer to what made us angry, to try to eliminate it.” This is healthy.

This response offers a hint as to why many people prefer feeling anger or rage when upset, rather than emotions that are under the anger, such as fear, terror, loneliness, disappointment….(which come from being vulnerable) because it give one a sense of power, and maybe even pleasure. Notice when you or someone else is smiling during or after being angry!

✿ For ACoAs under long-term duress, since the emotional hijacking interferes with our ability to think clearly, we react to everything as if it were an actual danger to us. This can keep us angry, even paranoid – believing we’re still in danger – the way we truly were as kids. (Drawing )

► Being continually fearful, enraged, lonely… in childhood – will burn out much of the neuro-chemicals that would normally create a sense of well-being (left lobe), so we’re left with too much of the down-side ones (right lobe). This can become a chronic condition & will need various treatment to correct (meds, food, herbs, exercise, therapy….)

✿ The 2 amygdala bulbs also determine what memories are stored and in what brain areas, based on how intense the emotional response is to whatever we experience.
Studies by Larry Cahill, PhD at UC Irvine showed that the amygdala is involved in learning & remembering in specific ways:
WOMEN are more likely to remember details of emotional events because their left lobe is more active, while —
MEN are more likely to remember only the gist of emotional events because their right side is more active. (Improving Memory)

SITE: ◆ “Differences in Male & Female brains”- size of areas, chemicals, stress reactions…… (See also Posts re. M/F  Differences)

◆ The Whole Brain Model ➡️  used as a tool to “Improve Team Dynamics & Job Productivity”combines :
A variation of the Myers-Briggs Inventory (psychology) + structural brain parts + Left-Right hemispheres + the 4 brain quadrants (physiology)

Scroll down to see charts (Also on YouTube…..)

CHART below (scroll down: Anger: Amygdala +/ – PFC)

 

Anger & the BRAIN (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, Self-esteem, self-help

pain/anger ME ANGRY? NAH –
it’s all in my head!

PREVIOUS: Anger & the Brain (# 3)

SITES: “The 4 theories of Emotions“

• Brain Chemical Released When Angry

 

ANGER on the brain
A normal amount of anger is necessary & appropriate to function well in personal relationships & in the outside world.

The brain processes anger as stress, so it prepares us for the eventuality of fight-or-flight by elevating blood pressure, cortisol, serum glucose levels….
A certain amount of arousal is vital for efficient remembering, but when it’s too high, (as when we’re very angry) it seriously diminishes the ability to concentrate EXP: it’s hard to recall details of a really explosive argument.

◆ The orbito-frontal cortex (OFC), the lower part of the prefrontal lobes, integrates sensory information from various other parts of the brain, such as weighing the value of reward-to-action, combining sensory input that turns taste into flavor….

Damage to the OFC can result in:
a. addictive behavior (over-eating, gambling…), so that the immediate thrill of a vice is chosen over the greater rewards of healthy choices & emotional stability.
b. over-reactions in behavior when very angry, because our cognitive understanding & interpretation of sensory experiences are distorted (an ‘innocent’ touch, hearing someone laugh, being accidentally bumped….)

◆ In a Harvard study of anger & the brain, MRIs of normal people showed that anger increases blood flow activity to:
> the amygdala, which deals with emotion & vigilance, and
> the cortex, which can cool the ‘heat’ of responses from the central & primitive parts of our brain, allowing a person’s conscious to decide how to respond, or totally inhibit acting on impulses.

However, severely depressed people may not have the correct balance of brain activity, so are not able to recognize & control their anger, which can lead to violent rages. (Darin Dougherty, Asst. Prof.)
SITEs: “Trauma response to Anger” // “Brain and Development effected after Child Abuse”

◆ Researchers at the Hotchkiss Brain Institute in Calgary, Canada, discovered that one of the effects that anger has on the brain – is that neurons in the hypothalamus stop working properly.
Normally these neurons (cells) receive chemical signals that prompt them to either switch on or off.
Certain neuro-transmitter chemicals produced when we’re angry interfere with these functions, jeopardizing the brain’s ability to slow itself down, by blocking the growth of new neurons & causing the death MY hormone interactionsof existing ones – leading to depression, memory impairment & learning problems.

“Happiness Hormones” are mono-amines, the main neuro-transmitters which animate the brain (how neurons transfer an impulse between them across a synaptic space) .

They’re associated with a variety of moods, playing a vital role in feeling, thinking & acting (T.E.A). When they’re up & running correctly, they produce a sense of well-being. These include:
‣ Serotonin, involved in emotion, overall mood, & keeping aggressive social responses in check. When low, it’s harder to control our reactions when we’re angry
‣ Dopamine is released to push us toward something good, or avoid something very bad. It also determines how angry we get when we’re upset

‣ Nor-epinephrin (nor-adrenaline) prepares the body for ‘fight or flight’’
√ depressed people have Lower levels of this hormone
√ we get a ‘rush’ from combined epinephrine & nor-epinephrine
SITEs: “Leadership chemicals” (scroll down) / “Meet your Chemicals” (cute slides)

BTW: Normally, when we get angry, frustrated or feel other ‘uncomfortable’ emotions – because of some real or perceived danger – the adrenals quickly release the catecholamines Dopamine + Epinephrine & Nor-epinephrine, combined in a 80%-20% proportion.

They prepare the body for ‘fight or flight’, so we can deal with whatever is causing the anger, but the influx of these chemicals can also lead to acts of aggression in some situations.
In reverse, when they’re depleted or out of balance they cause physical & emotional disturbances, including anger, depression, anxiety, obsessions…

✤ Interestingly, these same chemicals are also generated by fear. It’s one reason why FEAR & ANGER are directly opposite each other on the Plutchik ‘Wheel of Emotions’. (“Identifying Emotions, #1”)

FILL-IN form: FEAR Self-Inventory (+ info, charts, growth….)

NEXT: Anger & the Brain (Part 5)