ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 3b)

08/17/201504/11/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help 12 steps. responsibility, over-disclosing

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY – WITHOUT SELF-HATE greatly empowers me!

PREVIOUS:
Fear of Responsibility (FoR) #3a

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS – GROWTH (cont)
🔆 Steps 4, 5, 9 (in #3a)

🔆 Step 10 – in AA, Al-Anon…. “Continued to take personal inventory, & when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

☑️ Comment on Step 10 (re. mindfulness)
This is often misused by ACoAs in the service of perpetuating our self-hate – seeing everything we do as wrong (sorry, sorry, sorry!), which is NOT what it says. Rather: “… and, when we were wrong…” which is not all of the time. (Posts on Step 10)

Because we don’t believe we have any positive, valuable characteristics, we’re constantly barraged by Bad Parent attacks. This is extremely stressful, & for some of us the pressure if so great that we end up spewing it out everywhere we go – constantly telling ALL our flaws, failures, trauma & problems – in great detail. We think it’s being honest & responsible. NOT. screen-shot-2015-07-15-at-10-09-17-pm

This compulsion is actually:
• SELF-HATE, which says: I’m so bad, worthless, unlovable & a f–k up, that I can never do anything right, AND I have to let everyone know that I know, so they don’t think I have an arrogant bone in my body

• LACK of BOUNDARIES – no sense of what’s appropriate about who, what, where & how to over-disclose our wounds. One woman at a Recovery Conference when meeting a friend of a friend – said all in one breath: ”Hi, I’m Mary, I was raped!”

• FEAR OF ABANDONMENT – ACoAs’ default position is that: “I will get abandoned by everyone, sooner or later anyway – so why not get it over with before I get too attached.
I’ll tell them what a mess I am so they won’t be shocked & disgusted later when they get to know me. That’s when they’ll dump me – when I’m already involved – which will be unbearable”

✦ DOUBLE BIND (D-B) #1
• Our family made it clear they were not going to provide much of the PMES things every child needs. From that we concluded we didn’t deserve to have them anyway, we accepted this lack at a very deep level.
AND yet —
• Our needs never seem to go away, no matter how hard we try to ignore them, still longing to be taken care of anyway. Since we were on our own as kids, trying to get by as best as we could without knowledge or nurturing, & we still are. So we sneakily try to extract a little of those pesky need from the world – but usually in self-destructive ways.

✦ D-B #2
Long ago we gave up hope of ever succeeding at what we were ‘born to be/do”, so now we never go for the brass ring. ACoAs are ‘famous’ for being great at what we like to do the least, since it’s not a threat to our core Self. We think that if we fail at something we don’t care about it won’t matter as much!
⚠️ And needs if we dare reach for the sky & actually achieve some success >> at best we assume we’re frauds, & << at worst we find ways to sabotage it

AND at the same time —
— we keep trying to do & be what they said they wanted of us, or what we thought they meant – so we can finally get it right – to get their acceptance & approval!
We keep hoping someday all our effort will pay off, assuming it’s totally up to us to fix, so we bend ourselves into a pretzel – anything to deny our family’s disregard & abuse

✦ D-B #3a
Our family bullied us into emotionally & physically ‘taking care’ of them, insisting when we were children that we act as fully competent adults – for them (as arbitrator, lawyer, doctor/ nurse/ psychologist, housekeeper, babysitter…..)
AND yet —
— any attempt we made to use those same skills for ourselves were continually belittled, discouraged, made fun of, punished, under-cut…..

#3b – As a result of 3a:
We have to – at least – try to get other people to take care of us, because we truly believe we don’t know how DB #3
AND yet —
— we do take care of others, actually exhibiting amazing skills & talent we never use for ourselves, still thinking we’re incompetent!

✦ D-B #4
We are angry at having to be responsible for others, still protecting the abusers in our life
AND yet —
— if we don’t keep up our co-dependent dance with everyone (be over-responsible), we’re convinced we’ll never be able to get our needs met (as reward) (MORE…. re. DBs)

NEXT: Healthy Responsibility

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 3a)

08/13/201504/11/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help 12 steps, acoa leavers, boundaries, higher power, inventory, negative introject

OWNING MY T.E.A.s : even if my buttons get pushed, I’m responsible for my reactions

PREVIOUS : Being responsible #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS – GROWTH

As a guide to personal growth, the 12 Steps of AA are all about taking personal responsibility. They include:
🔆 Step 4: Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves
🔆 Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves & to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
🔆 Step 9: Made direct amends to such people (we had harmed) whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
🔆 Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, & when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

NOTE: However, it’s very common for addicts & co-dependents to not understand or to misuse the 12 Steps, especially in early Recovery.

☑️ Comment on Step 4 (re. ourself)
ACoAs find it very difficult, sometimes even for years into Recovery, to sit quietly & write this out. WE:
• don’t know what character defect are nor which ones we’re actually guilty of , since they’re so much a part of the fabric of our life. “Does a fish know it’s wet?”
• have so much S-H & shame that it’s too painful to admit anything, even though we think we’re guilty even when we’re not
❣️ Sadly – we don’t realize that inventories are supposed to include all our personal gifts, skills, talents….

☑️ Comments on Step 5 (re. hiding from everyone)
• Because of the WIC’s shame, it’s painful to share our defects with others. We’re so used to being chastised or made fun of, that doing this Step feels emotionally dangerous
• So many of us have a distorted view of ‘God as we understand Him/Her’, because as John Bradshaw reminds us: “Before the age of 7 we deify our parents. After that we parentalize our deity.”

⛔ So if we make our Higher Power in the image of our abusive, neglectful parents, we can not avail ourselves of spiritual Source as a safe haven of help & comfort

• If we look up at the sky & only see our dangerous, neglectful mother’s or father’s face, it obscures the Loving Being who is waiting to connect with us & heal our fear & sorrow

Our WIC needs to be given a corrected view of HP. This comes first by developing the Loving Parent toward ourself that we never had – our responsibility to learn with appropriate guidance – & then we can have a more accurate vision of who the HP really is

☑️ Comment on Step 9 (re. TMI: Over-disclosing)
Making amends is a very important part of relieving guilt & shame – when done in the right way, in the right environment – “You’re only as sick as your secrets”.
However, ACoAs with weak boundaries & driven by the WIC’s anxiety, will either not ‘admit’ anything, or admit willy-nilly.

😳 A vital & much neglected part is at the end of this Step : ‘’…except when to do so…” Sometimes telling an aggrieved person what we’ve done or said is not a responsible action, & will only do everyone harm.

EXP: A wounded ACoA loves his wife & kids, & doesn’t want to lose them, but is nevertheless unfaithful (incest-survivor). He’s filled with guilt, & tries to stop, but doesn’t. He wants to tell his wife, but knows if he does, she’ll leave.
a. Unhealthy reasons to tell her would be:
• temporarily relieve anxiety about ‘being bad’, so he doesn’t have to deal with his emotional pain screen-shot-2015-08-14-at-7-58-16-am
• have a fantasy hope that she’ll forgive & let him stay (so he can then ‘get away with it’ AND be absolved)

• the need to be punished, no matter the consequences to everyone (he doesn’t really deserve to be part of a loving family)
• a wish for his wife to be his watch-dog (use her as the controlling mother) – because he doesn’t really want to stop acting out, but may do so to be the ‘good boy’, or maybe keep acting out as a form of rebellion

b. Healthy (obvious): Stop all forms of cheating & work on his damage

NEXT: Fear of responsibility (Part 3b)

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2c)

08/10/201504/10/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: FoR #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽AS ADULTS
1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE – as “Leavers”

2. OVER-RESPONSIBLE = the “Stayers” (cont)
We stay in Rescuer mode, because we don’t see that:
• there is much more support & info available that can help us manage life’s stressors
• now our options are much greater, if only we searched them out AND had permission to use them
• but MOSTLY because we don’t feel worthy of being given to

We stay hooked because we’re still needy as long AS:
• the WIC is still psychologically & emotionally in charge of out motivation. It’s using childhood experiences as its only point of reference, ignoring the fact that we’re not little anymore, have many adult experiences, & developed many skills
• we’ve reproduced our early environment elsewhere (being neglected, abused….)
AS –
• we keep taking on responsibilities that are not ours, while in many ways not being responsible for ourself (Serenity Prayer backwards)
• we believe that ‘committing’ ourselves to a job, a place, a group, or to loving another person – means only doing what others want or need, instead of what’s reasonable, & what fits our own personality. This comes from assuming we have to earn love & acceptance.
AS –
• the WIC thinks that if we did honor our own needs above others it would prove how selfish & bad we are – based on what they told us growing up – even that we’re incapable of loving!
How cruel!

Living this way is very stressful AND unsuccessful, since we can never please others completely, especially if they’re self-centered like our parents. Sooner or later we end up failing – again – but keep trying anyway.
Relationships with ‘Leaver’ types is deeply harmful to our Soul / Healthy Inner Child, reinforcing S-H & hopelessness.
But it also has the ‘negative benefit’ of giving our False Self a feeling of power & control. Then we don’t have to face what really happened to us as kids.

The TRUTH is that love cannot be earned or ‘created’ in another person. Ever! It has to be given freely. Either someone already has the capacity to love or they don’t.
It doesn’t mean such a person will love us, only that they’re capable. We say of our parents: “Of course he/she loves me”, but we don’t feel loved by them! We blame that on ourselves (S-H), instead of acknowledging THEIR lack – which is the truth we keep avoiding.

• We don’t feel loved by our family for a legitimate reason. We were/are NOT part of their internal equation, even when they seem to be interacting with us.
They experienced us as : only an extension of themselves, a source of narcissistic supply, a parent-substitute, an ego-booster to brag about, a daily nuisance, an emotional annoyance ….. but not someone to cherish.
Severely wounded parents have little or no capacity for selfless caring, no matter how much they protest that they do, or how much we or they would like it to be otherwise.

If our parents say/ think/ feel that they love their children – it’s in their narcissistic Inner Child form (C2 —>), having to do with their needs & perceptions. If they were genuinely able to love – from a healthy Adult ego state – we would have felt it!
They would have consistently included us in their responses, acknowledging US as separate individuals for who we are & what WE need, rather than only considering everything from their own point of view.

ACoAs have a very distorted idea of love. We think it’s:
– either a fairy-tale all-consuming feeling, or we don’t think it exists at all
– either being manipulated & controlled by someone, or an obsessive longing for the one who doesn’t want us
– being loyal to a miserable relationship, or it’s something only others get to experience…..
None of these are love. They are addiction, co-dependence, FoA & S-H – copies of our family dynamics. (Post = “Fear is the Absence of Love”

HEALTH = Being appropriately responsible in relationships requires being clear about our motives, & NOT caught up in the one of the “Games People Play”.
It requires that we provide what our Inner Child needs to heal & become healthy, so we can share our True Self with other appropriate adults.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility #3

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2b)

08/08/201504/10/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help acoa recovery, adult ego state, games people play, negative benefits, over-responsivle, put out fires, rescuing, stayers and leavers

I GIVE IT ALL AWAY & have nothing left for myself

PREVIOUS: Fear of Responsibility (FoR) #2a

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS (cont)
1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE – as “Leavers” (cont)
a. re. OTHERS – Part 2a

b. Re. US
Being a ‘leaver’ includes leaving ourself – not just putting ourself last, but barely enough to survive, or to make life worth living.

We do NOT:
• take care of ourself – appearance, health, living space…..
• acknowledge the damage done to us, & get the right help
• stand up for our rights, provide for our personality needs
• use our inborn talents, so don’t contribute our best to society
• prosper, perpetuate general ‘anorexia’ – such as under-earning, bad relationships, isolation, no fun ….

Most ACoAs do not show outward signs of our underlying wounds, but all of us suffer from it to some degree, even in Recovery.
• We didn’t learn self-care from our family, having been neglected & mistreated, thus given the message that we didn’t deserve any better, and
• This left us with a lack of information about self-care, so we don’t actually think in terms of what we need

At the extreme, the self-neglect of some ACoAs is more visible (deprivation / anorexia in many areas of life).
Gibbons (2006) defined it as: “The inability – intentional or not – to maintain a socially & culturally accepted standard of self-care, with the potential for serious consequences to the health & well-being of the self-deprivers, perhaps even to their community.” (Wikipedia) (MORE….)

Some overt symptoms of personal deprivation include hoarding items & pets, a compulsive need to isolate, living in a dirty environment, poor personal hygiene, neglecting household maintenance, unwillingness to take needed meds, unkempt / sloppy appearance, eccentric behaviors……

🍎🔥
2. OVER-RESPONSIBLE = the “Stayers”
Being ‘over-responsible’ toward others includes our children & grandchildren (small or grown),
BY: • doing too much for them
• people-pleasing & not setting boundaries
• letting them get away with unhealthy behavior, spoiling them
• giving in to unhealthy requests or demands
• not holding them responsible for bad behavior
• not teaching them the best ways to live in the world

ACoAs as ‘STAYERS’
As long as the WIC is still running our life, we focus all our attention outside of ourself. We’re looking for someone to take care of us – to give us permission to even be alive, much less be our True Self

• We do too much for others, & most of the PPT we pick to ‘help’ are just are incapable of being there for us as our family was, with a few exceptions.
Also –
• Because our parents were so angry, depressed & unhappy, ACoAs are convinced (unconsciously) that everyone else is the same. We project how our family treated us onto every situation we encounter in our daily lives, whether it’s similar or not.

That means we react & behave in the same way we did as kids = that we have to be responsible (R) for others’ feelings & needs, to ‘help’ / fix everyone we deal with, whether important to us or not (lover, parent, sibling, OR “butcher, baker, candle-stick maker”…..) & suppress our own emotions, hopes & dreams.

We BELIEVE that:
• without our intervention – others we meet will also fall apart or go crazy, which would be our fault, so we rush in to put out other people’s fires
• if we don’t take care of them they won’t have any need for us, & ‘leave’ us
• by rescuing / saving…. others we will finally become worthy of getting our needs met (‘earning’ love)

⚡️ For prolonged rescuing, we stay with those:
• who are more wounded than we are (assuming we’re not), so we can feel useful, appreciated, even superior
• who don’t want to take care of themselves & could, but live in Victim mode – so would rather we do it for them, since we’re so good at it (& desperate to please)
• who are intensely narcissistic, using us to feed off of, which we agree to, at least for a time, because it makes us feel needed & important

AND, we automatically stay away from anyone who is reasonably healthy – competent, self-directed, doesn’t need or want rescuing…. because they don’t ne-e-ed us & we wouldn’t know how to interact with them as equals!

NEXT:  Fear of Responsibility – #2c

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2a)

08/06/201504/10/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help acoa recovery, double bind, how acoas abandon others, negative introject, self-hate, self-neglect, separation & individuation, under-responsible

I ALWAYS MAKE SURE
there’s a way to protect myself

PREVIOUS:
Fear of Responsibility (#1)

POSTs: Toxic Family Rules

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS
With all the frustration & lack of ‘success’ as children to fix our family, we unconsciously assume that if we failed at that, we’ll inevitably fail at everything else – so why bother.
Since they didn’t take responsibility for their emotions & actions, we didn’t learn how to either, & we don’t know there is a clear line between what’s our job in life & what isn’t.

SELF-CARE (Part 2b) : Any activity we do deliberately to provide our mental, emotional & physical health needs. Good self–care is key to reduced anxiety & improved mood

1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE
a. Re. OTHERS:
Because we were treated badly by our family, we often treat others the same way (“How ACoAs Abandon Others” posts) BY:
✦ not considering others’ rights, boundaries & emotions, being so focused on our own pain & trying to protect ourself
✦ our narcissism, idealizing, constant criticism, being controlling…..
which is how we treat our external children as well as other adults

ACoAs as ‘LEAVERS’
According to the WIC, we still have no one we can depend on for our needs, AND are responsible for everyone & everything around us.
We say we don’t want to have such a great burden, YET we reject being with people or groups who are capable of being supportive, allowing us to relax & focusing on ourself

This leaves us completely overwhelmed & exhausted. So on the assumption that we still have to carry the weight of any association (personal or professional), we’re too scared to fully commit.

• To take healthy, ‘adult’ responsibility for our choices & relationships, we would need to be familiar with & embrace our True Self, via S & I, which is the goal of all therapy & Recovery.
However, ACoAs greatest addiction is to our family of origin, making it very hard to let go of our symbiotic attachment to them.

🔻This results in a great resistance to taking center stage in our own life, while playing the satellite (or slave) to someone or something else.
🔺 The irony is that at the same time – we think everything others do or say is about us, taking everything personally – which is not the ADULT ego state form of being responsible for oneself, but rather the narcissistic attitude of the WIC

• While we consciously insist we never want to be anything like ‘them’, unconsciously we copy them in many different ways, having absorbed the PigP, ie. negative introject.
Because the WIC is by definition narcissistic, it can’t distinguish itself from our narcissistic parents. SO:
√ If they didn’t take responsibility for themselves, we won’t either
√ If they never connected with their True Self, we won’t either
√ If they treated us badly, we’ll do the same to ourself & others

• Even when ACoAs truly want to be connected to Self or others in a meaningful way, our terror of being eternally trapped in the position of caretaker leads to having a back-door mentality – always looking for an out : finding fault, being resentful, feeling inferior or superior, getting bored….

And above all – picking people who are emotionally unavailable AND not suited to our personality, but familiar because of our family structure. Keeping ourself at emotional arm’s-length in all our interactions is the only way we think we can protect our fragile self-image, since we don’t have access to our needs & therefore no real boundaries

The WIC says: “I can’t afford to commit to anything serious – especially if it’s really important to me – because then I’ll be stuck having to handle everything (perfectly) myself. I don’t know how, & I resent being in that position – so I won’t.”

Besides, since I always fail at getting my needs :
√ it’ll be too painful to try & fail again (lose out on what I really want)
v I’ll have to re-live all the ways I failed my family when I was a kid, adding to my S-H.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility (Part 2b)

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 1a)

08/03/201504/09/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help alcoholic parent, being a failure, being responsible, childhood, Cognitive distortion, dorothy block, hopeless

IT’S TOTALLY UP TO ME
to make everyone happy!

PREVIOUS:
Re. book “Trauma & Recovery”

WHAT IS IT?
In its simplest form, Responsibility (R) is first of all : Honestly admitting, to ourself what we feel, think & have done – or – not. (T.E.A.).
It includes acknowledging both our limitations & our gifts, our ignorance & our knowledge. And if possible, always doing this without guilt, without judgment, without shame. MOST of ALL – without self-hate.

DISTORTION = ACoAs grew up with a great many cognitive distortions CDs , so it makes sense that we would carry them into our adult lives – as if they were the truth! One of these has to do with the issue of Responsibility (R).

FEAR of Responsibility
For many ACoAs, R. is a dirty word, both an absolute requirement & a hated burden! We take responsibility for others’ actions & emotions, while in many ways not being responsible for ourself, hating ourselves (S-H) for the very things that make us human.

We believe we MUST take care of others instead of ourself, or someone will die & it’ll be our fault. We’re overwhelmed by the heavy weight of it but believe we can’t escape. We were not taught healthy R. – which is taking care of ourself – so we find convoluted ways to avoid self-care.

👼🏼 🫃🏽 CHILDHOOD ORIGINS, creating our aversion to R (FoR)
1. “I tried to fix them so they’d be OK”
GOALs:
✦ To stop them from suffering & make them happier, AND
✦ To make them ‘well’ so they would stop hurting us…..
….. AND be able to take care of us, the way all children need

COMMENTS – We were forced to be responsible (R) for our unhappy, angry, crazy, drunk parents, & sometimes siblings & extended family members. Many of us had to be the ‘designated adult’ even when we were very little, because of the adults’ incompetence, selfishness & addictions. We got the RULE loud & clear “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”.

• We understood early on that they couldn’t cope, so we had to be R. for ourself, to not ‘bother them’, to be self-sufficient
• We felt a great burden to fix their problems, make them feel better, to give them what they wanted – even when it was presented in the form of Double Messages.
• We were R. for doing whatever they wanted, how they wanted it, yet having to figure it out alone, because they didn’t say, or changed the rules arbitrarily, endlessly confusing us

• We may have lived with one parent who was totally irresponsible & we swore to never be like that, AND/OR with an over-R. parent, which we copied. Yet, some of us may have resented the responsible one for being too controlling, & adored the careless one, for being charming.

2. “I failed to make them better & so to stop my pain”
REALITY
✦ It should never fall to a child to have to try healing their parents’ damage, in a role-reversal of being the little grownup
✦ No one can cause an adult to “heal & grow”. People can only improve their life if they’re willing to do the work required to change. In any case, it’s not something for a child to do, who needs to be cared for

COMMENTS: No matter how hard we tried we were never able to create a genuine improvement in our parents. This was devastating for us, because we needed them to be mentally sane (T), emotionally stable (E) & consistently dependable (A).
As kids we desperately wanted to stop hurting, AND get our needs met. So we made every effort to please them & minimize the damage they could do us, but nothing we did worked

Our ‘failure’ left us with 2 conflicting states:
• Hating ourselves: We concluded that something was profoundly wrong with US – we weren’t smart enough, attractive enough, perfect enough…. to have an impact on the adults

• Hating them: We did/do in fact love our parents very much – no matter how they treated us. However, years of abuse & neglect gave taken their toll, building & building our helpless rage, which we had to deny.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility (Part 2)

BOOK: “Trauma & Recovery”

07/28/201512/22/2022 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help acoa recovery, childhood abuse, judith Herman, negative introject, self-hate, trauma & recovery

PREVIOUS: “33 Things I’ve Learned” #3

AUTHOR
Judith Lewis Herman is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Training Director of the Victims of Violence Program at The Cambridge Hospital.

See: REVIEW

In “Trauma and Recovery” Judith Herman describes in detail the healing process for people struggling with a combination of problems related to overt abuse, being unwanted, & other devastating experiences in their past. The book gives a three-stage model of recovery from these events, including childhood sexual abuse.

Trauma results include:
Substance addictions
Behavioral addictions (porn, anonymous sex, gambling,…)
Self-harming behaviors (cutting, burning, hair pulling…)
Dissociation (spacing out, blanking out, losing time…)

The following statement refers to how self-hate is formed – by introjecting
the Bad Parent – & why it’s so hard to give up:

REVIEW posts:
ACoAs & Self-Hate // Negative Introject
// Abuse of children // Toxic Family RULES //
Ego states – Summary // Ego states – PARENT #4

“33 Things I’ve learned” (Part 2)

07/20/201509/25/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help 'kill your false self', 33 things i learned, acoa recovery, preconceived notions, recovery lessons, taking the mask off, wisdom

PREVIOUS : 33 Things, #1

IMPORTANT NOTE:
The original list is not available any more. There are 10 other sites under this title – each different.

🔺These 33 are still worth reading — they have more substance.

🔹 “Things”are listed by topic, not in numbered order.

COMMUNICATION
2: If you speak the truth, be prepared to be attacked & ridiculed.
This is done to keep everyone in the “normal box.” To keep things under control & give everyone a mask. If you speak the truth through actions or words, people will be threatened. Those in power who feel threatened will do whatever it takes to silence you. This is where the judgments, labels & forced isolation come from

4: How well your message is received depends on how you deliver the message.
The world is full of people in power who know nothing. If you feel what’s going on is wrong, your attitude & responses will determine if people listen.

7: It’s not r Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.20.53 PM eally about what you say but how you make other people feel.
If you believe in someone or something, don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way. You may change someone’s life by believing in them.

14: Do not ever leave words unsaid.
Speak from your heart in each moment. Every moment is precious. Tell people the greatness you see in them. It takes nothing away from you. In fact, you grow from it.

24: Fierceness & toughness are not always loud.
Sometimes it’s timing. It is not what you say but when you say it. The best way to know when & what advice to give if any, is easy, but only if you’re truly listening. Don’t force it, timing is everything

OTHER PEOPLE
3: Just because a group of seemingly “educated” people say things are true does not mean they’re right. If there is one person against the group, they may be the only one that’s not willing to go along with the community lie. Sometimes, the teachers are wrong Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.22.53 PM.png

6: There are many people in this world that have it much worse than you can possibly imagine.
There’s serious abuse & damage being done to kids, which will affect them & those they come in contact with the rest of their life. It is going on right now – a great deal of deep sadness & pain

8: Hurt people hurt people.
You have to love yourself first, or you’ll hurt others unintentionally. Monsters are created by other monsters. People who are very sad, especially as children, can do damage to the world. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. It means they’re acting out their pain

22: You’ll never help anyone by punishing them.
Those who attack others usually have the most to hide. Loving is a sign of strength. To see someone for who they are, despite everyone what everyone else says, is a special person. If you ever have decision-making power over someone’s life – get to know them.

Don’t ever base it on what others say, because they have their own biases & agendas. If someone gossips a lot, they have a lot to hide. If you sit in silence while they gossip, you’re an active participant. Gossip & trash talk is not harmless, it destroys character. Punishment never works for an illness.

25: Appearance means nothing at all.
People at the top can be much, much sicker than so-called “sick” people. Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.35.15 PM What others say a crazy person looks like is different than the truth. Don’t be swayed of by others’ opinions. What we see in others, good & bad, is a reflection of what we like or dislike about ourselves.

27: Labels are destructive.
People are not their illness, & no one fits the book pattern. Do not treat the illness. Treat the patient. What helps the most is love

28: Sometimes, people live up to the hype
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Words can change people. But they must be pure, genuine & come from truth.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 1)

“33 Things I’ve learned” (Part 1)

07/17/201509/25/2023 dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help 'kill your false self', 'taking off the mask', 33 lessons learned, acoa recovery, addiction recovery, personal growth

PREVIOUS: Permission to Leave

IMPORTANT NOTE:
The original list is not available any more. There are 10 other sites under this title – each different.

🔺These 33 are still worth reading — they have more substance.

🔹 “Things”are listed by topic, not in numbered order.

IDENTITY
1: If you are different, you will be separated & labeled.
It ‘s ok if you’re lonely & feel different. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. In fact it’s a sign you’re on the right path if you do not fit in.
People in power aren’t always the wisest ones. It’s ok to question authority.

5: Stay true to yourself, even if it upsets others & they reject you.
The person who suffers the most from being someone that others want you to be, is you. What’s in your heart is all that’s real. Embrace who you are in your heart. Show the world that person. That person is beautiful.

30: Do not believe your own thoughts sometimes, they may come from other people.
Your False Self is just that, false. Acceptance comes first. You can change yourself only after you accept yourself

RECOVERY / GROWTH
12: When you’re silent, sit still & deal with emotions, only then will the answers come.
Then can you move forward. The only way out is through. You can not escape pain, which isn’t aways a bad thing. Things that seem great at the time can end up hurting you. Withhold judgment & let things play out. You can spend your whole life running from your pain. In the end, all you get is being tired, having spent a whole life running but not living.

15: It is hard to give love when you’re in pain. But try it, & watch the miracle. If you give love away, love will come back. You will get what you need, if & when you’re prepared for it. If you start to heal yourself & be good to others, regardless of your pain, great things – even miracles – start to happen. You’ll be amazed at what the world gives you.

16: Where you end usually depends on where you start.
We need to equalize things for people that start off life with less opportunity. Those with privilege need to stop acting like they are on 3rd base because they hit a triple, when in fact they were born on 3rd base.

We have to stop penalizing people because they have less resources, & give everyone the same opportunity – or stop claiming we’re the land of opportunity when we’re not.

18: Living for others’ approval will kill you inside
Buying & accumulating things is not the answer. You’ll walk around depressed because you’re living someone else’s dream for you.

20: When you make someone the center of your world for the moment you’re with them, you can save their life. You can change the world by simply being present with someone in pain.
Taking time with people. Listening to them is what ‘s important.

21: Lessons will repeat themselves until you finally learn what you’re supposed to. There are lots of ways to try escaping from yourself. Anger, alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, other people, self-harm, drugs…. How many have you tried?

29: Little things add up to big things
When trying to change things, patience is crucial. Systems don’t change fast. First, listen & observe. Pay attention to small things & details, so you gain credibility & build up through small things. You lose credibility if all you do is fight. You don’t need to fight all day, every day. Pick your battles Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.39.15 PM.png

31: If you want to help people, walk with them, not above them.
Stay in the senior slow lane of life. Let people rush by you if they want. Patience & moving with people is how you help them. Even if you get in a position of power, there’s more corruption at the top.

NEXT: 33 Things I’ve learned (Part 2)

PERMISSION to LEAVE

07/14/201504/08/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help acoa recovery, letting go, mark twain, self-care, selfish, toxic people

PREVIOUS: “Kind Self-Healing” book

A NEW YEAR SUGGESTION

SITE: “Staying away
from TOXIC people”

Normally I’m not fond of cutesie, ‘uplifting’ saying, but I know some of us are still struggling with the belief that it’s unkind & selfish to disengage (whatever that means for you) from unhealthy people who do not take responsibility for their damage and don’t want to /can’t yet do the hard work of Recovery.

So I’m posting a bunch of statements about permission, in the hope
that they may be of encouragement to make some changes this year.