ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2c)


PREVIOUS: FoR #2b

 

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

 

AS ADULTS
OVER-RESPONSIBLE = the “Stayers” (cont.)

We stay in Rescuer mode, because we don’t see that:
• there is much more support & info available that can help us manage life’s stressors
• now our options are much greater, if only we searched them out AND had permission to use them

We stay hooked because we’re still needy, as long as:
• the WIC is still in charge, using childhood experiences as its only point of reference, not taking into account that we’re not little anymore, have many adult experiences, & developed many skills
• we’ve taken on responsibilities that are not ours, while in many ways not being responsible for ourselves (Serenity Prayer backwards)
• we’ve reproduced our early environment elsewhere (being neglected, abused….)

• We believe that ‘committing’ ourselves to a job, a place, a group, or to loving another person – means only doing what others want or need, instead of being true to ourselves – assuming we hahelpve to earn love & acceptance.
The WIC thinks that if we did honor our own needs above others it would prove how selfish & bad we are – like they told us we were at home – even to being incapable of loving!

Living this way is very stressful AND unsuccessful, since we can never please others completely, especially if they’re self-centered like our parents. Sooner or later we end up failing – again – but we keep trying anyway.
Relationships with ‘Leaver’ types is deeply harmful to our Soul / healthy Inner Child, & reinforces S-H & hopelessness.
But it also has the ‘negative benefit’ of giving our False Self a feeling of power & control. Then we don’t have to face what really happened to us as kids.

The TRUTH is that love cannot be earned or ‘created’ in another person. Ever! Either someone already has the capacity to love or they don’t. It doesn’t mean such a person will love us, only that they’re capable. We say of our parents: “Of course he/she loves me”, BUT we don’t feel loved by them! This we blame on ourselves (S-H), instead of acknowledging THEIR lack – which is the truth we deny.

• We don’t feereal lovel loved by our family because we were/are NOT part of their internal equation, even when they seem to be interacting with us. They saw us as: a nuisance, an extension of themselves, a source of narcissistic supply, a parent-substitute, an ego-booster to brag about, an emotional annoyance ….. but not someone to cherish.
Severely wounded adults have little or no capacity for selfless caring, no matter how much they protest that they do, or how much we or they would like it to be otherwise.

If our parents say/ think/ feel that they love their children – it’s in their narcissistic Inner Child form (C2 —>), having to do with their needs & perceptions. If they were genuinely able to love – from a healthy Adult ego state – they would actually include us in their consideration, seeing US as separate individuals, for who we are & what WE need, rather than only seeing everything from their own point of view.

ACoAs have a very distorted idea of love. We thinks it’s:
– either a fairy-tale all-consuming feeling, or we don’t think it exists at all
– either being manipulated & controlled by someone, or an obsessive longing for the one who doesn’t want us
– being loyal to a miserable relationship, or it’s something only others get to experience…..
None of these are love. They are addiction, co-dependence, FoA & S-H – copies of our family dynamics.

Being responsible in relationships requires being clear about our motives, & NOT being caught up the one of the “Games People Play”. It requires that we provide what our Inner Child needs to become healthy, so we can share our True Self with other appropriate adults.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility #3

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