ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 3)

positive peoplePREVIOUS: Meeting our NEEDS #2

SITE: “Asking to have your needs met



The third component to getting our needs met has to do with who we surround ourselves with.
Everyone on the planet needs a support system to function well, which includes family, friends, teachers… to mates, colleagues & partners, psychological helpers & spiritual leaders. And everyone needs help to implement goals – from time to time – whether the store clerk or house wife, the boss who hires us or the mate we live with……

Yet ACoAs find it shameful, terrifying & enraging to have to ask for help & let anyone get too close. To us, closeness is automatically associated with physical / emotional abuse or outright abandonment. Better to do everything by ourselves, or simply do without.
Even so, we still do need connection, cooperation, information, intimacy, guidance, validation….. so when we try to get Help or Love, we are automatically drawn to unhealed people who are the least likely to provide it, but who can ‘feel right’ at the time, because they’re familiar – like family. We keep going to the desert to quench our thirst!self-centered

These relationships are with people who are —
— either too narcissistic to actually care about us, so we spend a lot of our time trying to get their approval, pleasing them, hanging on for fear of needy manlosing them……
— or  blatantly needy, so they don’t have much to contribute, & we end up spending a lot of time, money & energy taking care of them, worrying about their feelings, trying to ‘heal’ them….

They are familiar types. We know how to play the game with them, using all our defenses, but never being our True Self. Their lack of emotional/spiritual health guarantees that we continue to not get our needs met, just another way to not S & I – staying loyal to our family’s dysfunction.

We grow up, we have lives, jobs, our own families, friends, interests…. but are not supposed to want anything for ourselves.
So any time we actually try to provide for ourselves, we have to ensure that we fail – to continue obeying the Toxic Family Rules. We can’t afford to know how toxic they are, so we think we’re free of our past. We insist that we’re nothing like ‘them’, it was all a long time ago, it didn’t really effect us all that much anyway……YET the WIC is WIC & PPstill totally dependent on the PP, attached & loyal to our early training & trauma.

With this dependence on dysfunctional beliefs & patterns, everything we try is done with one hand tied behind our back & dragging a dead weight on our back. So any time we actually think about pursuing someone or something that can make us genuinely safe, appreciated, happy, respected…. we either put it off endlessly, or we give it a shot, but in a distorted way & with inappropriate people.
And then wonder why we never get anywhere. Most if us blame others God, the world, our spouse & children…. as well as beating ourselves up for not knowing how to do things others seem be to be able to do effortlessly.

REALITY: The only way to change this ugly, self-defeating pattern is to stop obeying the PP in the way we live our lives & treat the WIC, & instead get the help we need to develop compassion for ourselves.

Less healthy adults set up relationships with the main objective being to have the other person meet all their needs. This is an attempt to make up for not getting their basic needs from Mother in infancy.
Stage 1 WISDOM is about tradition, belonging, power and survival

We escape from the heartbreak, failure & guilt of childhood by becoming independent. This is partly about self-sufficiency & autonomy, usually giving us more freedom & success in the short-term, but is a way to avoid admitting the pain of our original Dependence. As we bury those early feelings of anger & fear, we end up damaging current relationships, & rob ourselves of long-term happiness.
Stage 2 WISDOM is about the journey of the self, and the power of personal experience and rational thinking.

This stage includes outgrowing:
• the expectation about how we (to be perfect) and others should do things (get our way) so we can reach our goalsgrowth stages
BY letting go of having to be seen a certain way, & by taking responsibility for the outcome of our dreams & plans
• being controlling, which created arguments & power struggles, because of the demands we put on others
BY replacing the need for it – with trust in oneself, in others & in a H.P. of our understanding
• self-focused emotional disconnection, leading to boredom in relationships
BY reconnecting emotionally, mentally & physically to ourselves

Continuing to mature psychologically, we form a stable inner core we can rely on, no matter what. This allows us to have relationships with other self-caring adults we can learn from, rely on & enjoy in PMES ways. It’s a stage where people work together for the good of the relationship or for the good of others & the world.
We can then:
• take the lead in responding to the emotional needs of the people around us with love and compassion AND avoid self-attacks
• reveal our True Self, full of creativity, confidence & wisdom. We will have faith in a positive future, rather than living in the past
• have a true sense of ‘belonging’ (oneness), linked with everyone / everything else by love, experiencing the calm of Spiritual Dependence  (MORE…..)
Stage 3 WISDOM is about the interconnection of everything and the mysteries of existence.


makes getting our needs met & reaching our goals more likely, more often & easier – a natural part of living well.  (CHART)

NEXT: Discomfort & Comfort, #1

“33 Things I’ve learned” (Part 2)



The original list is not available any more. There are 10 other sites under this title – each different.

These 33 are still worth reading they have more substance.

2: If you speak the truth, be prepared to be attacked & ridiculed.
This is done to keep everyone in the “normal box.” To keep things under control & give everyone a mask. If you speak the truth through actions or words, people will be threatened. Those in power who feel threatened will do whatever it takes to silence you. This is where the judgments, labels & forced isolation come from

4: How well your message is received depends on how you deliver the message.
The world is full of people in power who know nothing. If you feel what’s going on is wrong, your attitude & responses will determine if people listen.

7: It’s not rScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.20.53 PMeally about what you say but how you make other people feel.
If you believe in someone or something, don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way. You may change someone’s life by believing in them.

14: Do not ever leave words unsaid.
Speak from your heart in each moment. Every moment is precious. Tell people the greatness you see in them. It takes nothing away from you. In fact, you grow from it.

24: Fierceness & toughness are not always loud. 
Sometimes it’s timing. It is not what you say but when you say it. The best way to know when & what advice to give if any, is easy, but only if you’re truly listening. Don’t force it, timing is everything

3: Just because a group of seemingly “educated” people say things are true does not mean they’re right. If there is one person against the group, they may be the only one that’s not willing to go along with the community lie. Sometimes, the teachers are wrongScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.22.53 PM.png

6: There are many people in this world that have it much worse than you can possibly imagine.
There’s serious abuse & damage being done to kids, which will affect them & those they come in contact with the rest of their life. It is going on right now – a great deal of deep sadness & pain

8: Hurt people hurt people.
You have to love yourself first, or you’ll hurt others unintentionally. Monsters are created by other monsters. People who are very sad, especially as children, can do damage to the world. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. It means they’re acting out their pain

22: You’ll never help anyone by punishing them.
Those who attack others usually have the most to hide. Loving is a sign of strength. To see someone for who they are, despite everyone what everyone else says, is a special person. If you ever have decision-making power over someone’s life – get to know them.

Don’t ever base it on what others say, because they have their own biases & agendas. If someone gossips a lot, they have a lot to hide. If you sit in silence while they gossip, you’re an active participant. Gossip & trash talk is not harmless, it destroys character. Punishment never works for an illness.

25: Appearance means nothing at all.
People at the top can be much, much sicker than so-called “sick” people. Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.35.15 PMWhat others say a crazy person looks like is different than the truth. Don’t be swayed of by others’ opinions. What we see in others, good & bad, is a reflection of what we like or dislike about ourselves.

27: Labels are destructive.
People are not their illness, & no one fits the book pattern. Do not treat the illness. Treat the patient. What helps the most is love

28:  Sometimes, people live up to the hype
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Words can change people. But they must be pure, genuine & come from truth.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 1)



the better I can manage my life

PREVIOUS: What is Character (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


The book “Character Strengths and Virtues” 2004, by Christopher Peterson & Martin Seligman, provides a renewed focus on the science of character – the research community’s first attempt to identify positive human traits.  The authors defined character strengths (CS) as the pathways to virtues which are valued by moral philosophers & religious teachers.

This CHART is for us to ponder, identify & then own all Character Strengths that fit us & we allow ourselves to acknowledge. Think of examples of each positive trait from your life experience. Get suggestions from a trusted ally, if needed.

• The 1st column lists Positive Characteristics & then contrasts each with 3 variations.  If you identify mainly with columns 2, 3 or 4, you then can see what Healthy traits you can work towards, rather than just giving up as being hopeless.
You may want to print out this form & check off the traits you identify with – in the narrow white columns. Use a gradient of 1 to 5 for each, 1 being weakest, 5 the strongest.

NEXT: ‘Positive Character – Humanity’ : the next few posts are a sample list of character qualities, divided into themes. You can add to the list or change the category you think each fits into, as it makes sense to you.

CATEGORIES : 1. Wisdom & Knowledge  2. Courage
3. Love  4. Justice  5. Temperance  6. Transcendence

Charact. + : -