al-anon

Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

not lonely

I NEVER IMAGINED
I’d ever be this comfortable!

PREVIOUS: Loneliness in Recovery (Part 2)

SITE: The GIFT of Loneliness ~ Dr. Chip Dodd (scroll down)


The middle A : ACCEPTANCE  (#3)
Recovery (Rec) Loneliness is part of the process, so it’s normal & to be expected (cont.):

6. Accept temporary Rec. Loneliness of…..
…. Shifting our dependence on to ourselves & our Higher Power as the Good-Parent we never had. Humans will always let us down, even the best ones, but “God, as we understand Him’ never will.

NOTE: For those of us who have trouble with this (from lack of faith, anger at the God of our childhood, or not having a concept of a H.P. greater than ourselves…) we can ask for guidance from Governing Principle that will be a comfort to us. connect W.HP

TRUSTING an unseen Spirit Being or Force is hard when we don’t trust anyone or anything. But that can start the shift by learning to trust ourselves, AND by picking healthier more reliable people. Also, because Spirit is intangible, we need to be in touch with the emotions housed in the Healthy Child & Loving Parent ego states, which includes our intuition or 6th sense.

SOME RESULTS
Emotions from leaving inappropriate people can be sadness & brief loneliness, OR relief and healthy self-congratulation – which we’re not used to & not ‘allowed’ – & think it’s arrogant & selfish!

Practical outcomes can be:
• short-term isolation, which we need to process such big changes, but not from fear, guilt, shame or S-H
• that some people we distance from can’t tolerate their own abandonment pain, so will keep bugging us : ”What happened? Where are you? Are you all right”? even after telling them you need alone to thinkspace, or ending with a final good-buy.
If you’re truly done, you don’t have to respond. We are not responsible for THEIR WIC, even tho we can understand & have compassion
• we’ll feel lighter & have more energy for our own life & pursuits
• having the space to add in more & more healthy suitable people/ places & things (PPT) for ourselves

Keep in mind Al-Anon’s 3 As:
1. Awareness 2. Acceptance & 3. Action.
It’s never healthy to jump from #1 to #3, which is what most ACoAs do automatically. We need to spend as much time in #2 as our psyche /WIC needs. Then the eventual Actions will likely be much healthier.

Occasionally we’ll still find ourselves lonely, as when we’re :
• with the wrong people, which triggers old Abandonment pain
• outgrowing old ‘supports’, leaving behind (or limiting contact with) people & locations we’ve had in our life for a very long time, but were never suitable, or just plain bad for us
• moving on to each new level of personal growth, from :
“I don’t belong anywhere”—-> to —-> “I know who I am & I go where it’s warm”

With RECOVERY we don’t feel as deeply L. because:
• the L. that was based on S-H & hopelessness is so much milder
• we know it’s OK to the alone when we want to, & it’s not isolating, nor an indication that we feel unwanted & unlovable, ie. unsafe
• we’re more likely to find a healthier life partner, if we want one, not out of loneliness but to share our principles, goals & dreams
• we’re living mainly in the positive present, & enjoying it

These big ‘changes for the better’ can be hard on us emotionally, as another layer of old pain surfaces, but now we know how to deal with it because the UNIT is in charge, & we’re happy to clean out more of the old damage.

NEXT: Recovery from Loneliness #4

Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

separation I’M NOT  LONELY AS OFTEN
now that I have myself!

PREVIOUS: Recovery Loneliness (#1)

SITE: Stop being Lonely in Recovery

The middle A : ACCEPTANCE  (PART 3)
Recovery (Rec) Loneliness is part of the process, so it’s normal & to be expected (cont.):

4. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. re-evaluating all our relationships. At first we just become aware of the problem, slowly we consider leaving the most blatantly inappropriate / abusive people, then eventually catch the more subtle ways people are harmful, unavailable or just plain unsuitable for us, no matter how good they look ‘on paper’leaving

….. realizing that actual ‘leaving’ comes in stages too. Some people just drift away, some we have to have a talk with, some will not accept the loss & pursue us.
And then there are the relationships we’ll keep falling back into – even when we know they’re not healthy for us, because the WIC is not ready to let go of them, so we’re conflicted. When the kid is sick & tired of being sick & tired (being on the same page as the UNIT) – we move on, with little or no regret!

5. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. an increasing Awareness (the first A):
• of anyone one who is not ‘all there‘, We may live them & they may not be a bad person BUT they’re shut down, distracted, narcissistic, not available – fir us. We are truly alone with such people & we don’t like that anymore! (YEAH!)
• that we get confused when someone tries to ‘help’ us, yet we still feel angry, alone, lonely, misunderstood.
Screen Shot 2015-07-12 at 7.57.56 PM— Sometimes this is because the WIC is still not allowed to be helped by anyone, BUT more often
– we’re legitimately picking up that the solicitousness to help is tainted, because they’re controlling, narcissistic, people-pleasing or a rescuer.
We come to realize that it’s being offered for their benefit not ours. That leaves us alone – again!

• that in early Recovery we tend to idealize NEW support people or groups who are genuinely helpful, kind & gentle. This is the WIC experiencing them as the Good Parent, rather than just healthier peers. As long as we idealize anyone – we will be let down & disappointed when they don’t / can’t live up to our fantasies.

✶✶ However, for those of us with parents still alive – a very important & powerful Recovery experience is when we finally ‘get it’ that being with our unhealed family IS being mentally & emotionally alone – no matter how well behaved they may be with us in the present.
It’s not just our imagination or some flaw in us. It’s that they haven’t done the ‘work’ & are still shut down, still ‘active’, still self-centered…. so our connection is superficial. We want more, but they’re simply not available.dumping everone

a. Too fast – re letting go
When we first truly see of how unhealthy / harmful many of our long-term relationships are, some of us will want to get rid of everyone right away, & may start dumping our whole phone book.

If the phone list is very recent, that may be appropriate. But it doesn’t make sense to compulsively throw the baby out with the bath water.  Ending all old relationships at once – if at all – will be too jarring, leaving us bereft of any connections before we can replace them with more loving ones.

b. Too slowly : At the other extreme are those of us who procrastinate, taking too long to separate, especially those long-term relationships that were once important to us. We’re afraid of —
— being disloyal (even tho they are not worthy of it)
— hurting their feelings (even tho they rarely considered ours)
— losing some fun, good things about them
— the loss of our illusions about how badly they treat us, even tho we’ve always really known there was something wrong, but couldn’t admit it. It’s scary to realize how off our thinking has been.

NEXT: Recovery Loneliness – Part 3

Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

lonely with cat I CAN STAND THE DISCOMFORT
of loneliness because it’s not forever

PREVIOUS: Adult Loneliness  (#3

SITE: ‘Will I go crazy?”  re. loneliness

TWO STEPS FORWARD….
While all Recovery progress is positive, it’s never in a straight line & doesn’t always feel good – as much as we’d all like it to.  Instead, we move forward at a slow pace, often falling back into old ways & sometimes feeling discouraged, like we’re never going to ‘get it’.

John Bradshaw’s statement that a therapist’s job is to take a client “from their misery into their pain” (from Self-Hate into Abandonment pain) also applies to us individually on our journey thru Recovery.  We need to feel old wounds – a little at a time, & that includes Loneliness.
Is takes courage & perseverance. Recovery (Rec.) creates ‘opportunities’ for feeling lonely, which is a sign of growth as we leave old ways behind!

The middle A : ACCEPTANCE  (PART 2)
The following sources of Rec. Loneliness are part of the process, so they’re normal & to be expected:

1. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. separating from childhood damage (our ‘story’). Any form of ‘letting go’ leaves a temporary feeling of depression & emptiness – as it taps into our childhood sorrow & rage, intense fear & emptiness.
It means:S & I
• separation & Individuation (S & I) from the PP voice & our resulting S-H, the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles. These interlopers clogging our Inner Space have to be replaced with the UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult).

• gradually letting go of a variety of addictions. When we stop numbing the “hole in the soul”, the emptiness (lack of True Self) lets us feel how alone we’ve been

• outgrowing the compulsion to be symbiotically attached to someone, anyone, which then lets us feel how lonely it is to be with people who are wrong for us. It’s accepting that we all have to live in our own skin (‘existential aloneness’), which is healthy & normal. We do need others & especially out H.P., but not in a desperate, needy-child way.

2. Accept temporary Rec. Loneliness of…..
….. getting to know our IC (especially the Healthy one) – & building the UNIT. We gradually become aware that we do notinner child have a monster inside, but a deeply, desperately HURT CHILD (WIC).

The WIC may always want to be taken care of by someone else, so there’s a loneliness in letting go of other people as potential parents.
Guides, mentors,  teachers, friends…. are appropriate & needed, BUT not in a caretaker role. That’s for us to do, to become compassionate & dependable (trustworthy).
• Any form of dialogue with our younger self will gradually fill the emptiness. Book-ending with the WIC helps shift its focus from past to present-day reality.

3. Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of..…
….. doing fewer & fewer self-defeating things. This can be very scary for a while, so we need patience & faith in the process because:
• it’s disorienting to function in a new pattern, until we get used to it
• disobeying the Toxic Rules can bring with it varying degrees of internal backlash, & sometimes very real disapproval or punishment from disobey rulesothers – mainly the narcissists

• it leaves us wondering who we are. We won’t completely prevent the PP voice from whispering in our ear, but at first, as we stop obeying it, we can feel confused & alone. We think: “Who am I without ‘them’?” if we’re not that Role or Persona we developed in childhood.
The WIC is afraid we’ll have no identity without the old familiar ‘self’, which is mainly made up of defenses.
In reality we were born with a personality all our own & need to strip away the False Identity to find that out.

NEXT: Recovery Loneliness (Part 2)

ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

lonely girl
PREVIOUS: Adult Loneliness (Part 2)

SITE: “The Web of Loneliness”

 

1. ACoA Loneliness (previous 2 posts)

2. DEFENSES against L.
Most ACoAs are not conscious of being intensely Lonely, or when we do feel it, usually assume it’s about missing someone. We’re not aware that many of our ‘character defects’, actions & no-actions are related to defending against this deep & pervasive emotion.

Studies by Chicago U. social psychologist John Cacioppo on the biological effects of Loneliness show that :
▶ Much like the threat of physical pain, L. informs us of our ‘social body’, letting us know when connections start to fray, as the brain goes on alert to look for social threats.
Being lonely can generate a wide range of coping mechanisms, from emotional over-reactions to negative behaviors. Since many lonely people see those extremes as undesirable, they withdraw even more, falling deeper into isolation. L. doesn’t just make people feel unhappy, it actually makes them feel unsafe — mentally & physically.

MISCONCEPTIONS
• “I’m the only one who feels this way”. Unfortunately all the other very lonely people in the world think the same – but they (& you) are probably either covering it up or hiding out, so we never meet each other, OR if we do – don’t know how the other is really feeling depression . hiding

• “There’s something wrong with me if I’m lonely – a sign of weakness, immaturity, a defect in my personality”. Of course this is S-H. If we’re chronically L. then we have unhealed damage, but we’re NOT defective!

a. COVERING UP (passive)
• bad relationships – getting stuck & won’t leave –  even when unhappy or scared, assuming we can’t bear to be on our own, that bad better than nothing
• depression – feeling sorry for ourselves, re. loss of support & loved ones, but don’t so anything, or not enough, to relieve it

• fantasy – living in our head, day-dreaming about people, place & things (PPT) we wish we had
• illnesses (real) – artery hardening, inflammation, memory & learning problems, immune diseases…. OR being a =
• hypochondriac (not physically real), unconsciously wanting attention & ‘nurturing’ from doctors or caretakers

• isolatihalo womanon – fear we’ll be hurt more, never learned to talk or act comfortably, from S-H, guilt & shame, assuming rejection is inevitable
• obsessing – who we wish we were with, what we’ll do some day, what we did wrong, what we should have said, what they think of us ….
• religiosity / ‘spirituality’ – “so heavenly minded you’re no earthy good”, or being overly zealous about beliefs & morals

• paranoia (actually: convinced we’re everyone’s negative focus). The fact that it’s bad attention is painful, but better than none at all!
• procrastination – not taking positive actions from perfectionism & confusion, to not be abandoned & feel L. (WIC beaten up by PP)
• sleeping – associated with depression, as escape (more than 8 hrs, not from over-work, illness or a change in meds)

b. ACTING OUT (active)
• addictions – this is obvious, & now includes spending too much time on social media inanways crankystead of face-to-face
• always angry – gives us an illusion of control, even though not real, so it feels better to be angry (that no one loves me) than the vulnerability of loneliness

• controlling – “If I can make everything & everyone be the way I want, I’ll be OK & then not L. & scared”
• fighting – any contact feels better than none
• grandiosity – assuming we can DO more than is possible, pumped up to cover feeling unworthy, making ourselves seem more important, powerful, in charge…. than we really feel – or are
• over-doing – running, running (even if it’s ‘all good’ stuff), so we never always runninghave a minute to FEEL
• suicide attempts – trying to silence the BAD voice, & can’t bear old accumulated pain, not knowing how to heal it
• talking too much – to fill the emptiness, OR when we finally get someone to talk to after stretches of isolation, then a backlog of thoughts & feelings rush out
• touchy – easily hurt by any ‘slight’, experienced as a personal rejection, taking things personally & then lashing out, making it harder to connect – even though we want to loneliness chart

NEXT: Loneliness in Recovery (Part 1)

 

ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

 

 PREVIOUS : Adult Loneliness #1

<— “Alone in a crowd” by DMT

 

1. ACoA Loneliness (L.) (cont.)
a. Protecting Ourselves
b. Protecting Others

c. Not Eligible
DEF of Eligible: Qualified, Entitled, Desirable or Worthy to be chosen / wanted. Having access to benefits. ‘Qualified’ implies earning the criteria for something, whereas ‘eligible’ implies you already have it (inborn &/or learned).

• Because of all the neglect & rejection from our family, we grow up not allowed to have our rights, feeling NOT eligible …..
….. to belong – anywhere – so we become paranoid, projecting rejection onto anyone who is not totally, continually attentive, yet not trusting that anyone will really like us  – even when they’re kind
don't be happy….. for anything good, positive, easy, so we’re always longing
….. to know our needs (much less to receive them), so we anxiously wait for others to intuit & provide them, who can’t possibly guess
NOT eligible …..
….. to be visible – so we can’t take normal, appropriate risks, having to hide how we really feel, hide our strength & power
….. to follow our dreams – so we settle for crumbs, doing things we hate or don’t care about, get stuck in ruts, tolerate mediocrity & boredom
….. to relax, feel safe & have fun (parties, vacations, or just ‘vegging’)
.… to enjoy any successes we do have – always afraid someone’s going to find out ‘the truth’ : that we’re really frauds!

✶ IRONY: Our accomplishments are not luck or accident, because we couldn’t have done all those things if we weren’t capable. ACoAs need to OWN our abilities & successes! Only S-H & the PP tell us that we’re frauds!

The Loneliness: This is harder to identify because it comes from having to hide large chunks of ourselves – so we can’t really connect with the world on an even footing, from our True Self.

d. Addictions
We know addictions are used to prevent re-experiencing traumatic events & re-feeling painful emotions too overwhelming to bear, never having learned how to understand & process them in healthy ways.
And it’s not just abusing drugs & alcohol, but overdoing any type of activity (process addiction) – the misuse of food, money, exercise.  Also TV & internet trancing, & of course love, romance & fantasy.
ACoAs are also addicted to the brain chemical Adrenalin – that ‘high’ feeling from exciting or scary mental & physical drama that is so familiar from the chaos of our childhood.

The Loneliness: Whether we act out an addiction around others or in isolation, there’s a deep pain we’ve suppressed, invisible to ourselves & sometimes to others.
All addictions carry with them a sense of shame – we know we’re not being authentic, that we’re doing ‘something wrong’ even if that feeling is unconscious. Hiding parts of ourselves from the world out of S-H is not the same as having Boundaries – which is choosing when / where / how / who to reveal ourselves to.

e. Poor Relationship Choices
• Being with people who are incompetent, irresponsible, under-achieving – ‘forcing’ us to take on too much responsibility – the burden of taking care of everyone else – but not our own needs

• Being with Narcissists who only ‘see’ themselves – never us (“Put a sweater on, I’m cold”) –  who can only talk about themselves, are controlling & insensitive, even mean.
with narcissistSo we stay silent, never quite knowing what to say because we’re always stunned into muteness by their outrageous comments! We’re invisible to them  – yet futilely keep trying to connect!

The Loneliness: When we’re with unhealed people, we’re actually alone because of their inability to be emotionally present. And those of us ACoAs who can’t seem to leave family, lovers, friends, jobs – even though they don’t suit – are symbiotically attached. Symbiosis is both an attempt to alleviate Loneliness and a substitute for having healthy boundaries & genuine Trust.

• This type of negative attachment was originally forced on us by family, & we’re afraid to break the enmeshment. Contrary to how it ‘feels’, being symbiotic is very lonely : picture walking around hugging someone very tightly – all the time (one of you is always walking backwards!) & then ask yourself – “Can I actually see this person & can they see me?”
NO, because you’re both looking over each others’ shoulder!

NEXT: Adult Loneliness, Part 3

ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

lonelyHIDING IS THE ONLY WAY
I know to be safe!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs – L. in Childhood (#2)

SITE: “Does Childhood abandonment equate Adult Loneliness?“

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

QUOTE:” Loneliness is the poverty of the self. Solitude is the richness of the Self.” ~ May Sarton, American Poet

NOTE: Loneliness is one result of the many PMES ways we were abandoned as kids. FEAR + INSECURITY – LOVE = Loneliness.

DEF: Being alone when we desire otherwise, a discrepancy between what we have socially & what we’d like to have, an inability to find meaning in our life….
Studies about L. yielded 40 emotion-type words linked to it, including : boredom, feeling different, helpless, hopeless, rejected, self-pitying, not understood…..

1. ACoA Loneliness (L.)
It’s inevitable that we bring with us, from childhood, unhealthy self-treatment we experienced in our environment which created Loneliness at that time, but was not our fault!
So naturally, as adults, our actions & beliefs add to the (mostly invisible) iceberg of L. by continuing self-defeating patterns – until we do deep FoO work to fill the internal void.

a. Protecting Ourselves
Given all the physical & emotional danger we were subjected to as kids, it makes sense that we end up compressing ourselves into a small internal ball of fear – like any wounded creature. We hide from others as protection – in PLACE OF real, healthy Boundaries (Bs).

Extroverts hide very differently than Introverts, but it’s still hiding.
• Unfortunately we also have to hide from ourselves too, so we end up not knowing who we really are!
• Fortunately, once we’ve developed & internalized Bs we don’t have to hide anymore. Then we choose how much to reveal & how much to hold back, able to choose who’s safe for us & who’s not.

The Loneliness: While we’re trying to protect ourselves from everyone else’s fear, envy, greed, control, manipulation…. & especially their rage – we’re stuck inside our shell, adding to our sense of separateness & isolation – whether alone or with others.

b. Protecting Others
Self-Hate is expressed in our Ts, Es. & As, so it covers every aspect of life. As kids we came to believe that we were very, very bad, even evil, so now it feels like we’re carrying a monster inside – which we incorrectly assume is the WIC, whether we’re familiar with the concept or not. Some of us have even tried (or wanted to) commit suicide – to get rid of it. It’s made up of:

• The PP : Actually – the ‘monster’ is the Negative Introject , our internalized accumulation of all the crazy & abusive adults we grew up with. They had lots of rage too, even if they never showed it. So we’re carrying theirs & ours.

• Our rage: This is the other part of the ‘monster’, the part of us that is powerfully, sometimes uncontrollably furious. And why not. We were alternately neglected & tortured by the very people who were supposed to love us.

• While trying to protect ourselves from the big bad world, this combined rage is so intense & huge that most of us concluded a long time ago we have to protect the world from our monster, so we wouldn’t get abandoned again or kill someone, because we feel it’s so out of our control.

The Loneliness: Being alone with our monster component (made up of emotional pain & Toxic Beliefs) is terrifying, but we figure it’s better than the alternative. Keeping it under wraps, even from ourselves, separates us from everyone at a very deep level.
We become —
— clingers, who can’t seem to live without some sort of relationship, no matter how bad, & have to be extra ‘nice’ so they won’t know, OR
— hiders, who are co-dependent, depressive or passive-aggressive, internally isolated while seemingly sociable, OR
— erupters, whose rage keeps most everyone away, as we spew out accumulated anger anyplace or anytime something sets us off. But that just brings up more S-H.  💔

NEXT: Adult Loneliness #2

ACoAs: Loneliness in Childhood (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-07-12 at 1.16.35 AM I’VE BEEN PUSHED DOWN SO LONG
I don’t know if I can get up

PREVIOUS: Lack of Comfort #2

SITE: NEGLECT (effects & related factors)

 

CHILDHOOD CAUSES of L. (cont)
3. FROM Family DYSFUNCTION (cont)
a. Parental Neglect
b. About Parents

c. TO FEEL SAFE
Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. having to hide from parents, siblings, other relatives, baby sitters, neighborhood kids…. because they were bullying & beating on you, subjecting you to unfair & unusual punishment, verbal & physical attacks, sexual abuse, teasing, unneeded enemas, sadistic mind-games, not allowing you to have your feelings (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”)…. & no one to protect or help you

• You carried around constant terror all by yourself, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Where could you go for safety? Under the bed, or table, in the closet, the neighbor family, in your room, at the library, at sports? Someone may have known what was happening to you, but they didn’t/ couldn’t intervene, so you were still trapped with the abusers

Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…having to constantly fend off boundary invasions, mental & physical.  It may have seemed that you weren’t alone (someone was always around – in your face, in your business, in your space…), so how could you be lonely? But they were not really WITH you, at all – rather: at you, using you, controlling you

It was all about their neediness: getting into every nook & cranny of our body & mind, watching you all the time, fussing with your looks, clothes, actions, even your facial expressions (“look ashamed / wipe that look off your face”….).
OR it was all about one-upping’ you, competition between you & a parent, or between siblings – for attention, knowledge, friends, skills….

Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. having to play out a Toxic Role  – Hero, Mascot,  Scapegoat, Lost Child – to serve the family sickness:
– only allowed to ‘use’ a small % of yourself & having to hide or cut off the rest
– never having the freedom to find out who you really are as a whole person
– not allowed to develop at your own pace & for your own benefit ….

Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. hiding family sdysf. ROLESecrets, present & past.
SPOKEN – “Don’t let anyone see those bruises / Don’t tell anyone daddy’s in jail, that brother Johnny’s in a mental hospital or a drug addict, sister Suzy’s a prostitute, that daddy isn’t really dead….

UNSPOKEN – never ever bring up the drunkenness, fights, neglect, beatings, incest…. that went on behind closed doors. And then there were the secrets you somehow intuited but didn’t have any facts about, but found out about years later – like about a sibling before you who died, that Grandpa killed someone, mom was raped, grandma cheated on her husband….

d. FROM SHAME  
Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. having to hide yourself from everyone, especially outside the house – because you were soooo bad that you couldn’t let anyone know the ‘real you’. If they got to know you, you were convinced they’d hate you just as much as your family did – & that would have been too much to bear (see Self-Hate posts)

Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
lonely child….. having to hide your family from the rest of the world, because they were drunk, crazy, dirty, raging, seductive (with everyone) or just not there to make a home you could bring others to. You were ashamed of them & where you lives, so you stayed late at school, in the library, at a friend’s…. or lone, anywhere but there

Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. never able to trust the very adults who were supposed to be taking care of you – parents, older siblings, other family members, babysitters, school & religious leaders
• They were unreliable, messed with your mind, were sexually inappropriate, cruel, stupid, crazy, high….
• They’re too busy with their own concerns – having a good time, working, ‘using’, cheating…. to be there for you
• No one was honest about how they felt or what they really thought. No one was direct & clear. You never knew where you stood.

NEXT: L. in Adulthood (Part 1)

ACoAs: Loneliness in Childhood (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

neglected children


I NEVER REALIZED BEFORE
how harmful neglect can be!

PREVIOUS: Childhood Loneliness (Part 1)

SITE: Signs & Symptoms of Chronic Loneliness

1. “NORMAL” Stressors
LONELINESS (L) is an inevitable result of any form of PMES loss.
The following are some things all kids can experience – the key to how well they survive is whether or not they’re helped thru these difficulties with accurate information & appropriate emotional support. If not, these events can leave long-lasting scars.

Consider the Loneliness of….
• Abuses:  bullied by a sibling, at school, on the playground, in the neighborhood, mistreatment by school or religious leaders
• Deaths: of a parent, other important family member, a beloved petblack boy crying

• Limitations : learning disabilities (ADD, Dyslexia…), being poorer than others, not learning social skills
• Losses: divorce, BFF leaving, falling out with a friend, loss of favorite family member, teacher or neighbor…

• Major changes : birth of one or more siblings, one or more moves (home, school, country)
• Positives: looking ‘different’, being smarter than most others, having a special skill, having more things than others…

2. CATEGORIES of Loneliness (L)
• Chronic, or trait: more ingrained, part of a person’s lifestyle & therefore not easily relieved (whether alone or with others, being afraid & mistrustful of others, full of S-H….).  It doesn’t matter what actually goes on in their environment, the experience of L. is always there

• External / social isolation: experienced when people lack a wider social network, not feeling part of a community, not having friends or allies they can rely on in times of distress

• Internal / emotional isolation: insufficient or inappropriate attachment, originally to parents & other caregivers. Even securely attached children, when away from caretakers, express separation-distress such as crying, searching for the parent, having a tantrum or being withdrawn.
As adults, it’s the distress of being separated for too long from romantic or other deep connections

• Transient, or state: temporary, caused by something in one’s environment which can be relieved relatively easily & quickly (replacing a pet, temporary illness, a short trip…)

lonely gil in rain3. Loneliness from Family DYSFUNCTION
Research over the past 15 years concluded that an ongoing pattern of abandonment (Ab.) loneliness poses a serious threat to a person’s mental health & social functioning.
– In children it’s associated with being victimized at home & by peers, leading to severe shyness or aggression
– In adults it’s been linked with depression, alcoholism, obesity, & suicide  (MORE…)

GENERAL causes in childhood:
• Feeling unloved & unworthy of love, even if they said they loved us
• No one could be trusted, not reliable, consistent, honest, direct
• The sense of not belonging anywhere & that nowhere was safe
• Little or no comfort from anyone, & ultimately – feeling unwanted!

🔹 Unhealed ACoAs are fear-based, caused by the loneliness of daily childhood abandonment, which is at the root of neediness. We’re still starving for the nurturing we didn’t get – still longing & desperate for it, whether we admit it to ourselves or not.  We’ve been slowly dying inside from the lack of warmth, concern, touch, protection… ever since we were very tiny.

🔻This next category lists some of the many ways our alcoholic, narcissistic family & other groups abandoned us (Ab.) in Physical, Mental, Emotional & Spiritual (PMES) ways.

no teachera. Parental NEGLECT
Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. (T) not having anyone to teach, guide, set an example – about how to do things
…. (E) always being alone with your emotions, especially the painful ones
…. (A) not having anyone to do things with, play with, enjoy the good things in life

b. About our PARENT(s)
Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. watching them self-destruct, & not being able to stop them, no matter how hard you tried, but you kept trying anyway, always disintegrationfeeling like a failure

Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
….. having to play ‘god’, be responsible for the adults for their day-to-day physical needs, & sometimes for their very life – or ‘just’ their emotional survival.  You needed them to stay alive, to stop hurting themselves, so they could be the parents you needed – but it never worked!

NEXT: Loneliness in Childhood – #2

ACoAs – Loneliness: Lack of Comfort (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

“NOBODY LOVES ME,
everybody hates me,
I’m going to eat worms & die!

PREVIOUS:  Not enough Love? #3

SITE: “Why Love is Not the Cure for Loneliness … and what’s far more important

REVIEW posts: “Abandonment pain, Now”

QUOTES
• “Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue… and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness.” ∼Naomi Campbell
• “Loneliness, and the feeling of being unwanted, is the most terrible poverty.”  ∼Mother Teresa
• “…..the distressing feeling when one’s social relationships are perceived as being less satisfying than what is desired….” See article above
• “What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?” ∼George Eliot

Def. of LONELINESS (L)
• Dejected or desolate by the awareness of being alone, without companions. Separation between persons or groups
• Feeling a strong sense of emptiness, yearning, distress and solitude, from an inadequate quantity or quality of social relationships
• Sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
• Social pain – a psychological mechanism meant to alert people to being too isolated, which can motivate them to seek social connections
(SITE: ….. 3 Factors of Loneliness)

ACoAs
✶ Loneliness is a universal phenomenon, since humans are social creatures by nature. But too much of it is crippling.
• Most people think that loneliness is ONLY about external scarcity – not having friends or someone special in one’s life. Human beings definitely need others –
“No man is an island” – for support, companionship, information, touching, mentoring, sex, love, fun, sharing creativity….

… BUT ACoA loneliness is not mainly about missing a physical presence. We know this is true because healthy people can be alone & not feel lonely.  However, ours is primarily an internal lack, from not having been comforted & nurtured as kids, which became a big ‘hole in the soul’, & then is acted out in our life-choices, SUCH AS:

a. With too much unresolved old pain, we’re so uncomfortable being alone with ourselves that we either keep very busy (over-doing, rescuing others….) or find endless distractions (social media, addictions, – to not have to feel / deal with out anxiety & rage

b. This is then reflected in who we pick to be with. Being with the ‘wrong’ person is very lonely indeed – even when it’s someone we love – if they’re always in their own inner world, with little or no room for us.
In that case the loneliness is even greater because there’s the illusion of companionship, but with no real connection

PAST
a. Health: While some children naturally need more time by themselves than others (Introverts), all need guidance & companionship – when learning new info, doing chores, trying out new skills, playing, performing… AND most of all – to not be alone with painful emotions!
Trauma is not only caused by the actual distressing events, but from having to cope with the resulting fear & pain alone!

In difficult times – whether from a skinned knee, being bullied by peers or the loss of a parent – kids need 4 main things:
💔 comfort for any/all emotions the child may be feeling!
📿 physical / medical care, when appropriate
🤔 validation that a situation was legitimately distressing, without hysterics & over-dramatizing
👄 words for what actually happened, & a way to understand it

comforting✶ When children experience these comforting (E) & informative (T) interactions from loving parents &/or other caretakers, self-comforting skills gradually become internalized, so that as adults they know how to take care of themselves, & self-soothing becomes automatic.
By carrying that ‘togetherness’ internally for the rest of life we’re never truly alone. This modifies the level of hurt & eliminates panic whenever we face difficulties & losses as adults.

NEXT: Lack of comfort #2

ACoAs: NOT ENOUGH LOVE? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

misisng heart


THEY SAY THEY LOVE ME
so why is there a hole in my heart?!

PREVIOUS: “Not enough Love?” #1

SITE: Can’t Fall In Love? 10 Psychological Issues That Could Be Stopping You

 

Where do our fearful, LOVE-LIMITING beliefs come from? (cont)
From THEM
a. Parents ISOLATING (see Part 1)

b. Our parents INTERACTING with the world:
▶ Focus – while some parents may have said they loved us, our experience was very different. The real message sent was that we didn’t count very much, leaving us deprived, because they consistently gave their ‘love’ to anything/ anyone but us:Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.41.42 PM
— TO their spouse/ mates, parents, friends, religion, community
— TO their addictions, jobs/ careers, hobbies
— TO one or more of our siblings (dead or alive!)

▶ Looking ‘Good’ – some parents, who also had all the above issues, created a facade for the public which made them seem healthy, even ‘wonderful’ – to others, such as being:
• amusing, friendly & well-liked at work
• respected public figures in their careers
• pious & scholarly in their religious circle
• popular in the local social networks, clubs, groups

• admired for doing community service, helping others in need, generous with their time & possessions ….   but at home, with their own children they were abusive, controlling, demanding,  raging, insensitive, neglectful, perfectionistic….. which left us very confused, and even more convinced that others were ok but we were unlovable!
EXP: More than one of us had a parent give our toys or clothes away to others kids / families without telling us or considering how betrayed & devastated we would feel, just to make themselves look good!

IF a PARENT:
Strapped girl▪︎ constantly teases or makes jokes at the child’s expense, “all in good fun”
▪︎ doesn’t take the child seriously, belittling any effort, wish or dream
▪︎ ignores, shushes, neglects (not warm, affectionate, responsive)
▪︎ over-controls, watches the child’s every move, always correcting
▪︎ narcissistically treats the child as an extension of themselves, rather than seeing them as a legitimately separate being
▪︎ puts down, verbally harasses, judges, criticizes
▪︎ uses a child as a mate / parent substitute or ‘friend’ (emotional incest), to make themselves feel better, stave off their own abandonment fears, loneliness & self-hate….

…. then that child will be so love-deprived, that not only will they feel unloved for their Core Self, they’ll also conclude they don’t have the capacity to give love either – just like the parents. This creates great anxiety, with the fear of allowing themselves to connect with others.

EXP: While doing FoO work, Jenna had a dream: She’s 3 or 4 yrs old, standing in a big room in front of a huge life-size octopus she knows are both her parents.  As their arms undulate towards her she hears their seductive voices: “You’re so beautiful, you’re so smart, you’re so sweet…”

She loves to hear what they’re saying, but knows that if she lets the arms enfold her, the suckers will slowly draw out the vitality of her life energy to nourish themselves. She’s paralyzed – to stay is to die slowly, to run away is to die quickly. Since she’s too little to leave them, the only option she has is to split off her essence & hide it in a ‘gray space’ in her mind – as the arms circle her ….

✶✶ In this dream Jenna saw why she’d been missing the joy of life for so long! Her essential self was wonderfully alive, full of love, beauty & generosity – which her needy parents had been drawing on. Now she was in the process of reconnecting with that essence. It wasn’t gone, just hidden. Now she could reclaim her birthright & shine!

NEXT: Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #1