Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 3)

not lonely

I’d ever be this comfortable!

PREVIOUS: Loneliness in Recovery (Part 2)

SITE: The GIFT of Loneliness ~ Dr. Chip Dodd (scroll down)

The middle A :
Recovery (Rec) Loneliness is part of the process, so it’s normal & to be expected

6. Accept temporary Rec. Loneliness of…..
…. Shifting our dependence on to ourselves & our Higher Power as the Good-Parent we never had. Humans will always let us down, even the best ones, but “God, as we understand Him’ never will.

NOTE: For those of us who have trouble with this (from lack of faith, anger at the God of our childhood, or not having a concept of a H.P. greater than ourselves…) we can ask for guidance from Governing Principle that will be a comfort to us. connect W.HP

TRUSTING an unseen Spirit Being or Force is hard when we don’t trust anyone or anything. But that can start the shift by learning to trust ourselves, AND by picking healthier more reliable people. Also, because Spirit is intangible, we need to be in touch with the emotions housed in the Healthy Child & Loving Parent ego states, which includes our intuition or 6th sense.

Emotions from leaving inappropriate people can be sadness & brief loneliness, OR relief and healthy self-congratulation – which we’re not used to & not ‘allowed’ – & think it’s arrogant & selfish!

Practical outcomes can be:
• short-term isolation, which we need to process such big changes, but not from fear, guilt, shame or S-H
• that some people we distance from can’t tolerate their own abandonment pain, so will keep bugging us : ”What happened? Where are you? Are you all right”? even after telling them you need alone to thinkspace, or ending with a final good-buy.
If you’re truly done, you don’t have to respond. We are not responsible for THEIR WIC, even tho we can understand & have compassion
• we’ll feel lighter & have more energy for our own life & pursuits
• having the space to add in more & more healthy suitable people/ places & things (PPT) for ourselves

Keep in mind Al-Anon’s 3 As:
1. Awareness 2. Acceptance & 3. Action.
It’s never healthy to jump from #1 to #3, which is what most ACoAs do automatically. We need to spend as much time in #2 as our psyche /WIC needs. Then the eventual Actions will likely be much healthier.

Occasionally we’ll still find ourselves lonely, as when we’re :
• with the wrong people, which triggers old Abandonment pain
• outgrowing old ‘supports’, leaving behind (or limiting contact with) people & locations we’ve had in our life for a very long time, but were never suitable, or just plain bad for us
• moving on to each new level of personal growth, from :
“I don’t belong anywhere”—-> to —-> “I know who I am & I go where it’s warm”

With RECOVERY we don’t feel as deeply L. because:
• the L. that was based on S-H & hopelessness is so much milder
• we know it’s OK to the alone when we want to, & it’s not isolating, nor an indication that we feel unwanted & unlovable, ie. unsafe
• we’re more likely to find a healthier life partner, if we want one, not out of loneliness but to share our principles, goals & dreams
• we’re living mainly in the positive present, & enjoying it

These big ‘changes for the better’ can be hard on us emotionally, as another layer of old pain surfaces, but now we know how to deal with it because the UNIT is in charge, & we’re happy to clean out more of the old damage.

NEXT: Recovery from Loneliness #4

One thought on “Loneliness in RECOVERY (Part 3)

  1. This really describes me, how I have been and how I am growing. I like the way you said, ‘the positive present’. My mind easily gets drawn into worst case scenarios and thoughts of abandonment. I’m not sure how you love yourself but I know that that is growing in me. I read the phrase recently from Gene Marshall of Realistic Living that ‘Maliciousness to self masks autonomous strength’ and behind self depreciation is panic, when talking about the enneagram six pattern and that has also helped me. Many thanks.

    Autonomous Strength Gene Marshall ‘Realistic Living’

    He would not dance
    except to his own music.
    He would not read
    except his own theories.
    He would not act
    except in his own good time.

    Such independence may mask deep hurt.
    Perhaps some caretaker of his innocent child
    refused to celebrate his essential independence.
    Perhaps now he labours
    to defend obsolete habits of
    self-constructed independence.

    Though unintended,
    self-constructed independence is slavery.
    True independence
    is open to truth
    wherever, whatever, whenever
    it appears.

    Death to all achieved and defended habits,
    How liberating is your sternness!

    Void of boundless unachievement,
    How strengthening is your presence!

    Strength supplied by the Ultimate Supplier,
    How satisfying is your aliveness!


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