If we diligently stick to the growth process, we find that loneliness is no longer a major issue, because the emptiness is being willed with the Healthy Child, The Loving Parent, perhaps a Higher Power, appropriate companions & guides. In recovery we’ll feel connected & able to handle things – more of the time – even when things are rocky.
We don’t suffer L. as often, since we:
1. found our True Self. The goal is to be a whole person, not fragmented into compartments that don’t communicate or are always at odds. We accept even the imperfect & still wounded parts. The PP & WIC voice are much quieter, which once created the inner loneliness
2. willingly accept ALL our emotions, having learned to comfort ourselves when stressed or in pain, & allow ourselves to revel in the pleasant or joyful ones, becoming the Positive Parent we never had
3. have internal permission from the Loving Parent in the form of Healthy Introject to receive respect, attention, validation, love….
For some of us it took a great effort to take in positive regard form others, because it forced us to feel the contrast with the enormity of childhood emotional & psychological deprivation
4. don’t have to hide from others, since:
• knowing who we are, we don’t have to depend on unreliable others
• our wounds are no longer raw & over-sensitive. FoA no longer runs us
• we’re not afraid of our anger, being in charge of our rage
• we’ve developed reasonable boundaries, knowing where we end & others begin, which makes us feel safe
5. are more comfortable being visible & able to take appropriate risks. It allows us to be more pro-active when connecting with individuals & groups, sharing our thoughts & talents – without the self-conscious worry about being judged
6. know what we like, want, have a right to, what we’re good / great at….and so:
• actively follow our dreams & freely express our creativity
• can ask for as much help as we need, since we can’t possibly know everything, & don’t have to do everything alone (nor go without)
• go to the right people for those needs or wants. We’ve developed a large enough pool of support & resources to draw from so we don’t feel bereft, even when faced with difficulties
7. can leave unsuitable people & situations much sooner, by picking up on many large & small Red Flags (cues), from them & in ourselves, when something isn’t working. We don’t have to stay bored, uncomfortable or annoyed by PPT that are not a good fit, AND can keep looking until we find the ones that do!
8. don’t spend much time worrying what others think of us, want from us or if they’ll reject us, because we’re no longer desperate to stay connected.
NOR do we waste energy obsessing about others who are NOT taking care of themselves, & so don’t rescue them by doing for them what they can do for themselves.
We can think of Recovery as progressively healthier Dependencies:
NATURALLY – we need to remember that no Recovery process is ever complete or smooth. The list above is a general outline of a healthy person, but as ACoAs we all have some regressions, occasional depression & loneliness. These can come from present circumstances or from past trauma. In any case, we’re responsible now for creating a safe environment for our Inner Children.
❇️ We are NOT looking to get rid of the WIC, but rather integrating him or her into a good Inner Family who work to help each other – Good Parent, Skillful Adult & Happy Kid.
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