al-anon

ACoAs: HEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

PREVIOUS: (FoR) Fear of Responsibility  #3b

<—- CHART

SITE :

QUOTE: “In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourself. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

HEALTHY appropriate Responsibility (R)
Psychological  / Social DEF: “…. R is the willingness to BOTH :
◆ accept the importance of standards that society establishes for individual behavior, AND
◆ to make determined personal effort to live by those standards

Personal responsibility also means that when individuals fail to meet expected standards, they do not look around for some cause outside themselves to blame.” (More….)
NOTE: This def. applies to us now as adults.
We were NOT responsible for what our parents did!

1. About Us
• as adults – we take care of our own needs, not wait for someone else to rescue us
• ask for help when we really do need it
• take time to rest, process, rejuvenate – but not isolate

• know ourselves well enough to observe how we functions in the world in many different situations. Improve where possible, but accept our limitations without S-H, & so gain mastery  (Posts: Multiple Intelligences ➡️)

• regularly check the motives that drive our words & actions, & correct them when they’re coming from our damage

• be willing to ‘fess up’ to words or actions we make in error or that hurt someone else, without self-recrimination
• make changes when our thinking & actions are self-defeating or harmful to others
• be interested in improving ourselves, whenever possible – allowing for resistance, damage or outer pressured which may slow down our growth

• identify all our talents, gifts, knowledge & hard work – and USE THEM
• own our strengths & weaknesses, from self-esteem rather than obeying Toxic Rules

2. About Others
• learn the difference between caring about someone & care-taking them
• honor everyone’s personal boundaries, as much as possible (no perfectionism)
• consider the other person’s ‘buttons’ so we don’t keep stepping on their toes

• never assume we know what’s going on with someone, no matter how intuitive we are or how well we know them
• notice what the other person says about themselves & use that (not ourself) as the basis for communicating, gift giving, giving support, choosing activities…

• ASK, ASK, ASK – before giving suggestions, advice, instructions….
— ask if they want or need it
— ask what they’ve done so far so we don’t waste their time (or yours) covering what’s already been tried & maybe didn’t work for them (POST: “ACoAs – Asking Questions“)

• if we can not keep a promise, let them know as soon as possible
• be emotionally honest with others, without dumping, whining, blaming, being too needy or manipulating

ADULTING
Taking personal responsibility can help us achieve more than we thought we could IF:
• we take actions aimed at reaching positive goals – not just do what’s in front of us at the moment
• we understand that long-term improvement comes from persistence, not by ‘trying’ in short spurts, once in a while
• consistent ‘right action’ is what really pays off, not just thinking about it

T.E.A. – When we go about our daily activities from an accurate understanding of personal responsibility, we build self-esteem.
As we increase self-compassion (E) & self-awareness (T), some of the difficulties (A) that have plagued us our whole adult life will diminish or right themselves – without trying! This requires modifying or eliminating as many as our CDs as possible. CDs = “Cognitive Distortions”

BENEFITS of Self-Responsibility
✶ we gain inner stability from knowing who we are, & then how to behave
✶ it increase self-esteem & allows the True Self to blossom
✶ it makes us more reliable, likable & trustworthy
✶ it allows us to get more of what we want in the world
✶ focusing on gratitude gives us comfort & hope

✶ we have less psychological distress
✶ we can trust our judgement & intuition
✶ it eliminates the need for lying or spin
✶ it significantly reduces guilt & shame
✶ it’s easier to solve problems
NOT BAD, huh?

❗️ Being respectful & kind – which comes from the Healthy Adult, is NOT co-dependence – which comes from the wounded IC.
➼ Consider how you’d like to be treated & then do likewise to others, whenever possible, without hurting yourself!

NEXT:Anxiety & TEA #1

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help ,

DREAMTAKING RESPONSIBILITY –  WITHOUT SELF-HATE greatly empowers me!

PREVIOUS:
Fear of Responsibility (FoR) #3a

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS – GROWTH (cont)
🔆 Steps 4, 5, 9  (in #3a)

🔆 Step 10 – in AA, Al-Anon…. “Continued to take personal inventory, & when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

☑️ Comment on Step 10 (re. mindfulness)
 This is often misused by ACoAs in the service of perpetuating our self-hate – seeing everything we do as wrong (sorry, sorry, sorry!), which is NOT what it says. Rather: “… and, when we were wrong…” which is not all of the time. (Posts on Step 10)

Because we don’t believe we have any positive, valuable characteristics, we’re constantly barraged by Bad Parent attacks. This is extremely stressful, & for some of us the pressure if so great that we end up spewing it out everywhere we go – constantly telling ALL our flaws, failures, trauma & problems – in great detail. We think it’s being honest & responsible. NOT. screen-shot-2015-07-15-at-10-09-17-pm

This compulsion is actually:
• SELF-HATE, which says: I’m so bad, worthless, unlovable & a f–k up, that I can never do anything right, AND I have to let everyone know that I know, so they don’t think I have an arrogant bone in my body

• LACK of BOUNDARIES – no sense of what’s appropriate about who, what, where & how to over-disclose our wounds. One woman at a Recovery Conference when meeting a friend of a friend – said all in one breath: ”Hi, I’m Mary, I was raped!”

• FEAR OF ABANDONMENT – ACoAs’ default position is that: “I will get abandoned by everyone, sooner or later anyway – so why not get it over with before I get too attached.
I’ll tell them what a mess I am so they won’t be shocked & disgusted later when they get to know me. That’s when they’ll dump me  – when I’m already involved – which will be unbearable”

✦ DOUBLE BIND (D-B) #1boy-sad-clipart-clip-art-clipart
• Our family made it clear they were not going to provide much of the PMES things every child needs. From that we concluded we didn’t deserve to have them anyway, we accepted this lack at a very deep level.
AND yet —
• Our needs never seem to go away, no matter how hard we try to ignore them, still longing to be taken care of anyway. Since we were on our own as kids, trying to get by as best as we could without knowledge or nurturing, & we still are. So we sneakily try to extract a little of those pesky need from the world – but usually in self-destructive ways.

✦ D-B #2
Long ago we gave up hope of ever succeeding at what we were ‘born to be/do”, so now we never go for the brass ring. ACoAs are ‘famous’ for being great at what we like to do the least, since it’s not a threat to our core Self. We think that if we fail at something we don’t care about it won’t matter as much!
⚠️ Andneeds if we dare reach for the sky & actually achieve some success >> at best we assume we’re frauds, & << at worst we find ways to sabotage it

AND at the same time —
— we keep trying to do & be what they said they wanted of us, or what we thought they meant – so we can finally get it right – to get their acceptance & approval!
We keep hoping someday all our effort will pay off, assuming it’s totally up to us to fix, so we bend ourselves into a pretzel – anything to deny our family’s disregard & abuse

✦ D-B #3a
Our family bullied us into emotionally & physically ‘taking care’ of them, insisting when we were children that we act as fully competent adults – for them (as arbitrator, lawyer, doctor/ nurse/ psychologist, housekeeper, babysitter…..)
AND yet —
— any attempt we made to use those same skills for ourselves were continually belittled, discouraged, made fun of, punished, under-cut…..

#3b – As a result of 3a:
We have to – at least – try to get other people to take care of us, because we truly believe we don’t know how DB #3
AND yet —
— we do take care of others, actually exhibiting amazing skills & talent we never use for ourselves, still thinking we’re incompetent!

✦ D-B #4
We are angry at having to be responsible for others, still protecting the abusers in our life
AND yet —
— if we don’t keep up our co-dependent dance with everyone (be over-responsible), we’re convinced we’ll never be able to get our needs met (as reward)  (MORE…. re. DBs)

NEXT: Healthy Responsibility

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

World-on-ShouldersOWNING MY T.E.A.s : even if my buttons get pushed, I’m responsible for my reactions

PREVIOUS
: Being responsible #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS – GROWTH

As a guide to personal growth, the 12 Steps of AA are all about taking personal responsibility. They include:
🔆 Step 4: Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves
🔆 Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves & to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
🔆 Step 9: Made direct amends to such people (we had harmed) whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
🔆 Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, & when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

NOTE: However, it’s very common for addicts & co-dependents to not understand or to misuse the 12 Steps, especially in early Recovery.

☑️ Comment on Step 4 (re. ourself)
ACoAs find it very difficult, sometimes even for years into Recovery, to sit quietly & write this out. WE:
• don’t know what character defect are nor which ones we’re actually guilty of , since they’re so much a part of the fabric of our life. “Does a fish know it’s wet?”
• have so much S-H & shame that it’s too painful to admit anything, even though we think we’re guilty even when we’re not
❣️ Sadly – we don’t realize that inventories are supposed to include all our personal gifts, skills, talents….

☑️ Comments on Step 5 (re. hiding from everyone)
• Because of the WIC’s shame, it’s painful to share our defects with others. We’re so used to being chastised or made fun of, that doing this Step feels emotionally dangerous
• So many of us have a distorted view of ‘God as we understand Him/Her’, because as John rejct helpBradshaw reminds us:
“Before the age of 7 we deify our parents. After that we parentalize our deity.”

⛔ So if we make our Higher Power in the image of our abusive, neglectful parents, we can not avail ourselves of spiritual Source as a safe haven of help & comfort

• If we look up at the sky & only see our dangerous, neglectful mother’s or father’s face, it obscures the Loving Being who is waiting to connect with us & heal our fear & sorrow

Our WIC needs to be given a corrected view of HP. This comes first by developing the Loving Parent toward ourself that we never had – our responsibility to learn with appropriate guidance – & then we can have a more accurate vision of who the HP really is

☑️ Comment on Step 9 (re. TMI: Over-disclosing)
Making amends is a very important part of relieving guilt & shame – when done in the right way, in the right environment – “You’re only as sick as your secrets”.
However, ACoAs with weak boundaries & driven by the WIC’s anxiety, will either not ‘admit’ anything, or admit willy-nilly.

😳 A vital & much neglected part is at the end of this Step : ‘’…except when to do so…”  Sometimes telling an aggrieved person what we’ve done or said is not a responsible action, & will only do everyone harm.

EXP: A wounded ACoA loves his wife & kids, & doesn’t want to lose them, but is nevertheless unfaithful (incest-survivor).  He’s filled with guilt, & tries to stop, but doesn’t. He wants to tell his wife, but knows if he does, she’ll leave.
a. Unhealthy reasons to tell her would be:
• temporarily relieve anxiety about ‘being bad’, so he doesn’t have to deal with his emotional painscreen-shot-2015-08-14-at-7-58-16-am
• have a fantasy hope that she’ll forgive & let him stay (so he can then ‘get away with it’ AND be absolved)

• the need to be punished, no matter the consequences to everyone (he doesn’t really deserve to be part of a loving family)
• a wish for his wife to be his watch-dog (use her as the controlling mother) – because he doesn’t really want to stop acting out, but may do so to be the ‘good boy’, or maybe keep acting out as a form of rebellion

b. Healthy (obvious): Stop all forms of cheating & work on his damage

NEXT: Fear of responsibility (Part 3b)

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: FoR #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽AS ADULTS
1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE – as “Leavers” 

2. OVER-RESPONSIBLE = the “Stayers” (cont)
We stay in Rescuer mode, because we don’t see that:
• there is much more support & info available that can help us manage life’s stressors
• now our options are much greater, if only we searched them out AND had permission to use them
• but MOSTLY because we don’t feel worthy of being given to

We stay hooked because we’re still needy as long AS:
• the WIC is still psychologically & emotionally in charge of out motivation. It’s using childhood experiences as its only point of reference, ignoring the fact that we’re not little anymore, have many adult experiences, & developed many skills
• we’ve reproduced our early environment elsewhere (being neglected, abused….)
AS –
• we keep taking on responsibilities that are not ours, while in many ways not being responsible for ourself (Serenity Prayer backwards)
• we believe that ‘committing’ ourselves to a job, a place, a group, or to loving another person – means only doing what others want or need, instead of what’s reasonable, & what fits our own personality. This comes from assuming we hahelpve to earn love & acceptance.
AS –
• the WIC thinks that if we did honor our own needs above others it would prove how selfish & bad we are – based on what they told us growing up – even that we’re incapable of loving!
How cruel!

Living this way is very stressful AND unsuccessful, since we can never please others completely, especially if they’re self-centered like our parents. Sooner or later we end up failing – again – but keep trying anyway.
Relationships with ‘Leaver’ types is deeply harmful to our Soul / Healthy Inner Child, reinforcing S-H & hopelessness.
But it also has the ‘negative benefit’ of giving our False Self a feeling of power & control. Then we don’t have to face what really happened to us as kids.

The TRUTH is that love cannot be earned or ‘created’ in another person. Ever! It has to be given freely. Either someone already has the capacity to love or they don’t.
It doesn’t mean such a person will love us, only that they’re capable. We say of our parents: “Of course he/she loves me”, but we don’t feel loved by them!  We blame that on ourselves (S-H), instead of acknowledging THEIR lack – which is the truth we keep avoiding. real love

• We don’t feel loved by our family for a legitimate reason. We were/are NOT part of their internal equation, even when they seem to be interacting with us.
They experienced us as : only an extension of themselves, a source of narcissistic supply, a parent-substitute, an ego-booster to brag about, a daily nuisance, an emotional annoyance ….. but not someone to cherish.
Severely wounded parents have little or no capacity for selfless caring, no matter how much they protest that they do, or how much we or they would like it to be otherwise.

If our parents say/ think/ feel that they love their children – it’s in their narcissistic Inner Child form (C2 —>), having to do with their needs & perceptions. If they were genuinely able to love – from a healthy Adult ego state – we would have felt it!
They would have consistently included us in their responses, acknowledging US as separate individuals for who we are & what WE need, rather than only considering everything from their own point of view.

ACoAs have a very distorted idea of love. We think it’s:
– either a fairy-tale all-consuming feeling, or we don’t think it exists at all
– either being manipulated & controlled by someone, or an obsessive longing for the one who doesn’t want us
– being loyal to a miserable relationship, or it’s something only others get to experience…..
None of these are love. They are addiction, co-dependence, FoA & S-H – copies of our family dynamics. (Post = “Fear is the Absence of Love”

HEALTH =  Being appropriately responsible in relationships requires being clear about our motives, & NOT caught up in the one of the “Games People Play”.
It requires that we provide what our Inner Child needs to heal & become healthy, so we can share our True Self with other appropriate adults.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility #3

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

I GIVE IT ALL AWAY & have nothing left for myself

PREVIOUS: Fear of Responsibility (FoR)  #2a

 

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS (cont)
1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE – as “Leavers” (cont)
a. re. OTHERS – Part 2a

b. Re. US
Being a ‘leaver’ includes leaving ourself – not just putting ourself last, but barely enough to survive, or to make life worth living.

We do NOT:
• take care of ourself – appearance, health, living space…..
• acknowledge the damage done to us, & get the right help
• stand up for our rights, provide for our personality needs
• use our inborn talents, so don’t contribute our best to society
• prosper, perpetuate general ‘anorexia’ – such as under-earning, bad relationships, isolation, no fun ….

Most ACoAs do not show outward signs of our underlying wounds, but all of us suffer from it to some degree, even in Recovery.
• We didn’t learn self-care from our family, having been neglected & mistreated, thus given the message that we didn’t deserve any better, and
• This left us with a lack of information about self-care, so we don’t actually think in terms of what we need

At the extreme, the self-neglect of some ACoAs is more visible (deprivation / anorexia in many areas of life).
Gibbons (2006) defined it as: “The inability – intentional or not – to maintain a socially & culturally accepted standard of self-care, with the potential for serious consequences to the health & well-being of the self-deprivers, perhaps even to their community.” (Wikipedia) (MORE….)

Some overt symptoms of personal deprivation include hoarding items & pets, a compulsive need to isolate, living in a dirty  environment, poor personal hygiene, neglecting household maintenance, unwillingness to take needed meds, unkempt / sloppy appearance, eccentric behaviors……

🍎🔥
2. OVER-RESPONSIBLE = the “Stayers”
Being ‘over-responsible’ toward others includes our children & grandchildren (small or grown),
BY: • doing too much for them
• people-pleasing & not setting boundaries
• letting them get away with unhealthy behavior, spoiling them
• giving in to unhealthy requests or demands
• not holding them responsible for bad behavior
• not teaching them the best ways to live in the world

ACoAs as ‘STAYERS’
As long as the WIC is still running our life, we focus all our attention outside of ourself. We’re looking for someone to take care of us – to give us permission to even be alive, much less be our True Self

• We do too much for others, & most of the PPT we pick to ‘help’ are just are incapable of being there for us as our family was, with a few exceptions.
Also –
• Because our parents were so angry, depressed & unhappy, ACoAs are convinced (unconsciously) that everyone else is the same.  We project how our family treated us onto every situation we encounter in our daily lives, whether it’s similar or not.

That means we react & behave in the same way we did as kids = that we have to be responsible (R) for others’ feelings & needs, to ‘help’ / fix everyone we deal with, whether important to us or not (lover, parent, sibling, OR “butcher, baker, candle-stick maker”…..) & suppress our own emotions, hopes & dreams.

We BELIEVE that:
• without our intervention – others we meet will also fall apart or put out firesgo crazy, which would be our fault, so we rush in to put out other people’s fires
• if we don’t take care of them they won’t have any need for us, & ‘leave’ us
• by rescuing / saving…. others we will finally become worthy of getting our needs met (‘earning’ love)

⚡️ For prolonged rescuing, we stay with those:
• who are more wounded than we are (assuming we’re not), so we can feel useful, appreciated, even superior
• who don’t want to take care of themselves & could, but live in Victim mode – so would rather we do it for them, since we’re so good at it (& desperate to please)
• who are intensely narcissistic, using us to feed off of, which we agree to, at least for a time, because it makes us feel needed & important

AND, we automatically stay away from anyone who is reasonably healthy – competent, self-directed, doesn’t need or want rescuing…. because they don’t ne-e-ed us & we wouldn’t know how to interact with them as equals!

NEXT:
 Fear of Responsibility – #2c

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

not trappedI ALWAYS MAKE SURE
there’s a way to protect myself

PREVIOUS:
Fear of Responsibility (#1)

POSTs: Toxic Family Rules

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS
With all the frustration & lack of ‘success’ as children to fix our family, we unconsciously assume that if we failed at that, we’ll inevitably fail at everything else – so why bother.
Since they didn’t take responsibility for their emotions & actions, we didn’t learn how to either, & we don’t know there is a clear line between what’s our job in life & what isn’t.

SELF-CARE (Part 2b) : Any activity we do deliberately to provide our mental, emotional & physical health needs. Good self–care is key to reduced anxiety & improved mood

1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE
a. Re. OTHERS:
Because we were treated badly by our family, we often treat others the same way (“How ACoAs Abandon Others” posts) BY:
✦ not considering others’ rights, boundaries & emotions, being so focused on our own pain & trying to protect ourself
✦ our narcissism, idealizing, constant criticism, being controlling…..
which is how we treat our external children as well as other adults

ACoAs as ‘LEAVERS’
According to the WIC, we still have no one we can depend on for our needs, AND are responsible for everyone & slaveeverything around us.
We say we don’t want to have such a great burden, YET we reject being with people or groups who are capable of being supportive, allowing us to relax & focusing on ourself

This leaves us completely overwhelmed & exhausted. So on the assumption that we still have to carry the weight of any association (personal or professional), we’re too scared to fully commit.

• To take healthy, ‘adult’ responsibility for our choices & relationships, we would need to be familiar with & embrace our True Self, via S & I, which is the goal of all therapy & Recovery.
However, ACoAs greatest addiction is to our family of origin, making it very hard to let go of our symbiotic attachment to them.

🔻This results in a great resistance to taking center stage in our own life, while playing the satellite (or slave) to someone or something else.
🔺 The irony is that at the same time – we think everything others do or say is about us, taking everything personally – which is not the ADULT ego state form of being responsible for oneself, but rather the narcissistic attitude of the WIC

• While we consciously insist we never want to be anything like ‘them’, unconsciously we copy them in many different ways, having absorbed the PigP, ie. negative introject.
Because the WIC is by definition narcissistic, it can’t distinguish itself from our narcissistic parents. SO:
√ If they didn’t take responsibility for themselves, we won’t either
√ If they never connected with their True Self, we won’t either
√ If they treated us badly, we’ll do the same to ourself & others

• Even when ACoAs truly want to be connected to Self or others in a meaningful way, our terror of being eternally trapped in the position of caretaker leads to having a back-door mentality – always looking for an out : finding fault, being resentful, feeling inferior or superior, getting bored….

And above all – picking people who are emotionally unavailabldistancee AND not suited to our personality, but familiar because of our family structure. Keeping ourself at emotional arm’s-length in all our interactions is the only way we think we can protect our fragile self-image, since we don’t have access to our needs & therefore no real boundaries

The WIC says: “I can’t afford to commit  to anything serious – especially if it’s really important to me – because then I’ll be stuck having to handle everything (perfectly) myself. I don’t know how, & I resent being in that position – so I won’t.”

Besides, since I always fail at getting my needs :
√ it’ll be too painful to try & fail again (lose out on what I really want)
v I’ll have to re-live all the ways I failed my family when I was a kid, adding to my S-H.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility (Part 2b)

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 1b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, self-help

PREVIOUS :
Fear of Responsibility (FoR) #1a

BOOK: “So the Witch Won’t Eat Me: Fantasy & the Child’s Fear of Infanticide” ~ Dorothy Block (INTRO – especially important)


👼🏼 🫃🏽 CHILDHOOD ORIGINS (cont)
1. “I tried to fix them so they’d be OK”
2. “I failed to make them better & so to stop my pain”

3. “I have to carry all the things they refuse to acknowledge”
AWARENESS:
✦ Children are highly sensitive to their environment, especially the emotions & attitude of their parents. Even as very little kids, ACoAs were smart enough to know when things were ‘off’ with adults, in terms of their behavior, motivation & interactions with others
✦ The dysfunction in our home was so great that we felt unsafe all the time. Because kids see themselves as the center of the universe, we assumed that we could help out by picking up what they ‘dropped / denied’, as if that responsibility would even things out

COMMENTS: Unfortunately this is a common response for children. EXP:
• If they were hypocritical, did illegal things, were cruel & insensitive AND had no remorse – we felt ashamed for them!
• If one was depressed, suicidal (even if never acted on directly – but showed up in physically illness, addictions, not able to work…..), we took on their depression, lack of motivation & wanting to be dead

• If one or both parents’ never dealt with their own childhood pain, we took that on & “felt terribly sad/bad for them”. This is true whether the parent was numb & acted like they were OK, or if they were always in ‘suffering / martyr mode’

Loving them is not enough. No one can relieve another person of their hurt or other sickness by carrying it for them! no matter how pure our motives are. And children’s motives are never pure – understandably so. We desperately wanted them to be OK so they could be there for us. That was/is a legitimate need!

▶ All of this was in addition to our own pain from neglect & abuse. The combination of our suffering PLUS their dysfunction became overwhelming.
Unfortunately, holding all that extra responsibility was totally wasted – it never helped them nor changed our situation. No wonder we’re so terrified & traumatized now!take on their pain

4. “I’ll always fail at everything I do, so I won’t bother trying”
DISTORTION:
✦ It’s natural for children to assume they have magical power over their circumstances, which in fact they do not have. This is normal childhood narcissism
✦ Our family, & often other adults, were unable or unwilling to take on the ‘burden’ of their adult responsibilities – which left children having to carry it for them. Indeed, in many cases they actually dumped all their own weight on us, adding to our sense of obligation

COMMENTS: As children, being ineffective at stopping the abuse & improving our lot at home inevitably left us with the conclusion that it was because of some lack in ourself.
If we failed at such a basic goal – of helping to heal our parents & getting our needs met inside the family – our WIC thoroughly believed there’s no way we can now have any effect on anyone outside the family either – much less positively. This became the pattern for our adult life.

• This assumption is one of the many CDs common to ACoAs. As children we not only thought we could influence our parents with enough love & effort, but many of them did insisted it was in fact our job to take care of them.

We had no way of knowing know that:
√ we were given an impossible task, from the very beginning, which we took on because we had no choice
√ that the reason we were ineffective is only because of the persistent unhealed damage in our parents, not because of any lack in ourselves. Our self-appointed task was always impossible!

NOTE: In some cases the alcoholic parent joined AA, & stopped the overt part of the dis-ease. Even so, they rarely cleaned out their personal wounds (via Al-Anon & FoO work), which continued to infect the family system. And very often, the non-drinking parent did not want nor receive needed treatment either.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility (Part 2a)

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 1a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

responsible??IT’S TOTALLY UP TO ME
to make everyone happy!

PREVIOUS:
Re. book “Trauma & Recovery”

 

WHAT IS IT? 
In its simplest form, Responsibility (R) is first of all : Honestly admitting, to ourself what we feel, think & have done – or – not. (T.E.A.).
It includes acknowledging both our limitations & our gifts, our ignorance & our knowledge. And if possible, always doing this without guilt, without judgment, without shame.  MOST of ALL – without self-hate.

DISTORTION  = ACoAs grew up with a great many cognitive distortions CDs , so it makes sense that we would carry them into our adult lives – as if they were the truth! One of these has to do with the issue of Responsibility (R). 12370991801134292684yyycatch_people_biz_-_male_sad.svg.med

FEAR of Responsibility 
For many ACoAs, R. is a dirty word, both an absolute requirement & a hated burden!  We take responsibility for others’ actions & emotions, while in many ways not being responsible for ourself, hating ourselves (S-H) for the very things that make us human.

We believe we MUST take care of others instead of ourself, or someone will die & it’ll be our fault.  We’re overwhelmed by the heavy weight of it but believe we can’t escape. We were not taught healthy R. – which is taking care of ourself – so we find convoluted ways to avoid self-care.

👼🏼 🫃🏽 CHILDHOOD ORIGINS,  creating our aversion to R (FoR)
1. “I tried to fix them so they’d be OK”
GOALs:
✦ To stop them from suffering & make them happier, AND
✦ To make them ‘well’ so they would stop hurting us…..
….. AND be able to take care of us, the way all children need

COMMENTS – We were forced to be responsible (R) for our unhappy, angry, crazy, drunk parents, & sometimes siblings & extended family members. Many of us had to be the ‘designated adult’ even when we were very little, because of the adults’ incompetence, selfishness & addictions. We got the RULE loud & clear “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”.

• We understood early on that they couldn’t cope, so we had to be R. for ourself, to not ‘bother them’, to be self-sufficient
• We felt a great burden to fix their problems, make them feel better, to give them what they wanted – even when it was presented in the form of Double Messages.
• We were R. for doing whatever they wanted, how they wanted it, yet having to figure it out alone, because they didn’t say, or changed the rules arbitrarily, endlessly confusing us

• We may have lived with one parent who was totally irresponsible & we swore to never be like that, AND/OR with an over-R. parent, which we copied. Yet, some of us may have resented the responsible one for being too controlling, & adored the careless one, for being charming.

2. “I failed to make them better & so to stop my pain”
REALITY
✦ It should never fall to a child to have to try healing their parents’ damage, in a role-reversal of being the little grownup
✦ No one can cause an adult to “heal & grow”. People can only improve their life if they’re willing to do the work required to change. In any case, it’s not something for a child to do, who needs to be cared for

COMMENTS: No matter how hard we tried we were never able to create a genuine improvement in our parents. This was devastating for us, because we needed them to be mentally sane (T), emotionally stable (E) & consistently dependable (A).
As kids we desperately wanted to stop hurting, AND get our needs met. So we made every effort to please them & minimize the damage they could do us, but nothing we did worked

Our ‘failure’ left us with 2 conflicting states: failed hope
• Hating ourselves: We concluded that something was profoundly wrong with US – we weren’t smart enough, attractive enough, perfect enough…. to have an impact on the adults

• Hating them: We did/do in fact love our parents very much – no matter how they treated us. However, years of abuse & neglect gave taken their toll, building & building our helpless rage, which we had to deny.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility (Part 2)

BOOK: “Trauma & Recovery”

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Trauma book

 

PREVIOUS: “33 Things I’ve Learned” #3


AUTHOR
Judith Lewis Herman is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Training Director of the Victims of Violence Program at The Cambridge Hospital.

 

See: REVIEW

In “Trauma and Recovery” Judith Herman describes in detail the healing process for people struggling with a combination of problems related to overt abuse, being unwanted, & other devastating experiences in their past. The book gives a three-stage model of recovery from these events, including childhood sexual abuse.

Trauma results include:
Substance addictions
Behavioral addictions (porn, anonymous sex, gambling,…)
Self-harming behaviors (cutting, burning, hair pulling…)
Dissociation (spacing out, blanking out, losing time…)

The following statement refers to how self-hate is formed – by introjecting
the Bad Parent – & why it’s so hard to give up:

quote re abused child S-H

REVIEW posts:
ACoAs & Self-Hate  //  Negative Introject 
// Abuse of children //  Toxic Family RULES //
Ego states –  Summary  // Ego states – PARENT  #4

“33 Things I’ve learned” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

communicating

PREVIOUS : 33 Things, #1

IMPORTANT NOTE:
The original list is not available any more. There are 10 other sites under this title – each different.

🔺These 33 are still worth reading — they have more substance.

🔹 “Things”are listed by topic, not in numbered order.

COMMUNICATION
2: If you speak the truth, be prepared to be attacked & ridiculed.
This is done to keep everyone in the “normal box.” To keep things under control & give everyone a mask. If you speak the truth through actions or words, people will be threatened. Those in power who feel threatened will do whatever it takes to silence you. This is where the judgments, labels & forced isolation come from

4: How well your message is received depends on how you deliver the message.
The world is full of people in power who know nothing. If you feel what’s going on is wrong, your attitude & responses will determine if people listen.

7: It’s not rScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.20.53 PMeally about what you say but how you make other people feel.
If you believe in someone or something, don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way. You may change someone’s life by believing in them.

14: Do not ever leave words unsaid.
Speak from your heart in each moment. Every moment is precious. Tell people the greatness you see in them. It takes nothing away from you. In fact, you grow from it.

24: Fierceness & toughness are not always loud. 
Sometimes it’s timing. It is not what you say but when you say it. The best way to know when & what advice to give if any, is easy, but only if you’re truly listening. Don’t force it, timing is everything

OTHER PEOPLE
3: Just because a group of seemingly “educated” people say things are true does not mean they’re right. If there is one person against the group, they may be the only one that’s not willing to go along with the community lie. Sometimes, the teachers are wrongScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.22.53 PM.png

6: There are many people in this world that have it much worse than you can possibly imagine.
There’s serious abuse & damage being done to kids, which will affect them & those they come in contact with the rest of their life. It is going on right now – a great deal of deep sadness & pain

8: Hurt people hurt people.
You have to love yourself first, or you’ll hurt others unintentionally. Monsters are created by other monsters. People who are very sad, especially as children, can do damage to the world. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. It means they’re acting out their pain

22: You’ll never help anyone by punishing them.
Those who attack others usually have the most to hide. Loving is a sign of strength. To see someone for who they are, despite everyone what everyone else says, is a special person. If you ever have decision-making power over someone’s life – get to know them.

Don’t ever base it on what others say, because they have their own biases & agendas. If someone gossips a lot, they have a lot to hide. If you sit in silence while they gossip, you’re an active participant. Gossip & trash talk is not harmless, it destroys character. Punishment never works for an illness.

25: Appearance means nothing at all.
People at the top can be much, much sicker than so-called “sick” people. Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.35.15 PMWhat others say a crazy person looks like is different than the truth. Don’t be swayed of by others’ opinions. What we see in others, good & bad, is a reflection of what we like or dislike about ourselves.

27: Labels are destructive.
People are not their illness, & no one fits the book pattern. Do not treat the illness. Treat the patient. What helps the most is love

28:  Sometimes, people live up to the hype
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Words can change people. But they must be pure, genuine & come from truth.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 1)