PREVIOUS : Narcissist

SITE : “The Basics of Power” (includes several studies)

POWER (P) is fundamental to human social life
The study of Influence & Power is likely as old as human history. “To a greater degree than most of us realize, we are the products of power,”  Toffler (1990).
Success, defeat & conflict have given rise to the desire & search for it. Some psychoanalysts call this normal, saying that power can actually build a person’s identity, under certain circumstances. (Zalesnik 1989)
Others doctors believe that power-seeking is not conducive to psychological development. This can be shown in Eve’s greed for illegal knowledge & power, which made her vulnerable to the  manipulation of the powerful & devious Nāḥāš (Hebrew for ‘snake’), leading to the downfall of all humanity. (Genesis 3)

GENERAL : The human Power Motive is the desire of one person to have an impact on the behavior or emotions of another individual or group, &/or being concerned about one’s own prestige & reputation. This broad definition includes a whole family of overlapping concepts :  ✦ authority, aggression, coercion, control, dominance, influence, inspiration, leadership & nurturance – combined into the “need for power” = nPow

nPow is different from other power-related psychological concepts. It is not :
✦ Beliefs about P (Authoritarian, Machiavellian)
✦ having the Skills to get or use P (rules, maneuvers)
✦ natural Traits (dominance or surgency ….)
✦ occupying P Positions (teacher, CEO, minister)
✦ P Styles (5 -10 categories)
✦ Sense of having P (locus of control, reinforcement)

nPow is an inborn basic component of one’s personality, & some people have a greater need or capacity for it than others. Research suggests nPow is embedded in certain physical processes, hormones, & mechanisms.
Power-driven people show greater sympathetic nervous system arousal when under stress & threat (reactiveness).

Without proper self-care & the ability to self-regulate (powerlessness), constant triggering can lead to lowered immune system efficiency, potentially causing frequent infectious or auto-immune diseases. Over-reactivity is also related to cardiovascular problems  & higher blood pressure.

In David McClelland’s book “The Achieving Society”, nPow explains some people’s push to always be in charge.
But he also identifies 2 other main psychological motives :
👥 nAffil = Affiliation – a person’s need to feel a sense of involvement & belonging within a social group, &
✍️ nAch = the “need for achievement”, higher in people who have an internal locus of control & so are more in charge of their actions. (MORE…..)

Each of us has these 3 in some proportion, but with a stronger preference for one.
McClelland lists 2 kinds of nPow (business, politics, church….) :
🔻SOCIAL – (for control) the ability to exert dominance, influence or control over the actions of others. These people only function for their own benefit, to prevent everyone else from achieving their P.
🔺PERSONAL (for connection) – being in charge of one’s own states & behaviors. These people don’t chase approval or recognition, rather wanting agreement & compliance. The desire is to achieve goals for the greater good, through positive or negative sanctions.

nPow can be seen in career choices –  modified by social class, responsibility, or extraversion – in all 4 PMES categories :
Physical : Coaches, Trainers // Mental : Teachers / Professors, Politicos // Emotional : Psychologists, Therapists // Spiritual : Religious ministers, healers….

Compared to people with high nAffil or nAch, those with high nPow scores prefer to go after & hold a position where they run everything (people-places-things). And if their “responsibility quotient” is low, they’ll be more argumentative, take big risks & engage in conspicuous consumption. At work they’re pushier in group discussions, & get very frustrated when not in charge of everything.

SIDE NOTE: nPow & nAch are often related – the greater the power motive, the greater the need for achievement. And this combination does not have to be immediately visible. Since P is about influence, it can be achieved indirectly.
EXP: ▪︎ Privately expending a great deal of time & effort writing one or more books – which become widely read & having a great effect by being helpful
▪︎ Working for years quietly creating a new invention, medicine, or other product to broad benefit (influence)….

IMP: The fear of expressing Personal Power in one’s life because of emotional / psychological wounding does not indicate the strength of a person’s native nPow, only the limitation of its use & full expression.

PREVIOUS : Birth Orders (Part 1)

⬆️ ARTWORK at Anna Goodson Illustration Agency

SITE : BIRTH ORDER TRAIT ∼ FLosCuLous (Personal story)

For “ONLY CHILD” – see Part 1

INFO: Several studies show that First-borns & Only children usually reach higher educational goals, gain greater prestige & acquire more net worth, while Middle children are likely to struggle a bit more.

EXP: “As a result of a stricter upbringing, First-borns tend to be more extroverted & confident, Second-borns more rebellious & open to new experiences, & the Youngest is usually the most creative, & more often manipulative to get their way.”

Obviously, predicting personality based on birth order is not straightforward. There are many other factors that will determine how much it can affect personality.
EXP: Adoption / Blended families / Gender / How many children in the family / Mental or Physical disability / Multiples (twins or triplets) / Spacing (1, 6, 9 year separation….)

The following are the broad basics, but do apply more than not. «

«
re. ELDEST ACoA : Usually cast as HERO / caretaker, they often have to take care of a drunk or NPD parent &/or younger sibs – cooking, cleaning, babysitting…. but also emotional needs of the adults. This is more likely if it’s a girl or a ‘sensitive’ boy, nor necessarily gay.
But if there are several children & there’s a boy as second or third, he may be designated family Hero-rescuer, but more likely outside the home, by accomplishing something they can point to (military, academic, sports, professional) – to prove the family’s not as dysfunctional as they really are.

NOTE: When there’s 6 years or more before the next child arrives, the First becomes a version of an Only, which effects their overall attitude to life. It also makes it potentially very hard for them to deal with being dethroned.
According to Adler, this makes them more neurotic & may even contribute to substance abuse.
Parental ‘compensation’ is to make the First be the baby’s parent-substitute – an unfair & heavy responsibility for a youngster of 7 or 8, especially when punished for lapses in attention or not ‘always knowing’ what to do.
«

«
re.  Middle ACoA : SCAPEGOAT – the second child who identifies with the drunk or crazy one, but is actually trying to take the focus off that parent(s) by being an even bigger troublemaker, sometimes with suicide attempts. But the ‘acting out’ (getting into trouble) is also a way for this child to express their own pain.

LOST CHILD ACoA – Especially if there are several kids, one of the Middlers is likely to be the invisible one, like the nerd hiding in their room or staying after school in the library. They’re silent, lost in their own inner world, although it can lead to some very creative ideas. (Middle Child Overview – 21 traits)
«

«
re. Youngest ACoA : Often the MASCOT, the entertainer who tries to lighten the heaviness of the family drama & depression. They may be used that way by the family, but then not taken seriously – for their own needs & pain. (See post on ROLES)

CHARACTER TRAITS
Generally, adults will have some characteristics from more than one column. Don’t assume you need to have all per your type.
However, as children, when one leaves home – usually the eldest &/or the Hero (for college, marriage, military), roles tend to get re-shuffled, & one will take over as Hero – to keep the family going – since the dysfunctional parents aren’t doing such a great
«

«
Research from Gronqvist & Ockert (2017, Sweden) focused on males, starting from the result of a standardized psych evaluation. They were interested in how birth order may influence skills developed in childhood, & professional decisions made later on.

EXP: LATER-borns are more likely to be self-employed.
FIRST-borns tend to be in occupations with the highest need for the “BIG 5” Personality Traits, such as CEOs, managers, legislators, & senior government officials. (Applies to both genders). (MORE…)

Studies of CEOs show that Firsts tend to run companies conservatively – improving things by streamlining product lines, simplifying distribution routes, making sure the trains run on time…..
LAST-borns are more likely to blow up the tracks & buy new trains – entirely reinventing a company, rather than just reforming or improving it.
«

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NEXT : POWER

PREVIOUS : Self-Parenting BOOKS

SITEs: ‘Birth Order Theory : Insight into your personality’
vs.”Birth Order may Not Shape Personality after all”

“The Relationship between Birth Order, Personality & Career choices” ∼ Colleen Collins

POST: Toxic ROLES (#3) scroll to “As an only child”

⚙️ Viennese psychological Alfred Adler (early 1900s) believed social & community aspects of a person’s life were just as important as internal thoughts & emotions. His Birth Order Theory grew out of this perspective – how family environment shaped a child’s beliefs & behavior.

In “Why Firstborns Rule the World & Last Borns Want to Change It” Michael Grose says that “A child’s position in the family impacts their personality, behavior, learning & ultimately, their earning power.”
“Most people have an intuitive knowledge that birth order somehow has an impact on development, but underestimate how far-reaching & significant that impact is.”

There’s quite a divide among researchers about the validity of Birth Oder Impact. Some dismiss it entirely, while others are convinced it plays a crucial role. Researchers at the U of Leipzig & Johannes Gutenberg U (in Germany) studied more than 20,000 adults from the USA, UK & Germany. In this study, they compared siblings within families using the order of their birth.

INFO: The scientists found that older children generally show higher performance on intelligence tests. More than half of all Nobel Prize winners & U.S. presidents were Firsts. However, the study showed no birth-order effects on emotional stability & imagination.

ANOTHER German study reported that “the effect on intellect persisted after controlling for IQ scores, indicating that there is a genuine birth-order effect on ‘brains’ that goes beyond objectively measured intelligence, & can be observed in adults.”

Researchers suggest that the Youngests, like J.S.Bach & Mozart, were 50% more likely to have careers in classical music, possibly for their “sensitive & idealistic personality traits.”
And a study on Onlys concluded they’re more likely to become artists due to their “perfectionist & mature personality traits.”  Different genres & styles.

PARENTS unconsciously feel they better understand the child with the same birth order position as themself (a little narcissism??) – which the child can find annoying. They may also have a soft spot for the child whose birth order matches that of their own favorite sibling.

Adoptees – It will depend on the age of adoption. If adopted as babies, they’re assimilate into the birth order already set in family. EXP: In situations where the parents have tried a long time but haven’t conceived, or lost some, they adopt – so the baby is an Only. Then suddenly the mother does get pregnant & the adoptee becomes a First (Oldest).
If the adoptee is older (not an infant), then they’ll have the birth order of their foster home or previous family.

Culture. EXP: In some traditions, even if a boy is born after 4 girls, he may still be treated as the oldest.

Twins. Most twins get special attention from parents, so experts say birth-order rules don’t automatically apply – but may, especially if fraternal.

Birth order & HEALTH – Studies suggest if you’re the eldest, you’re more likely to have a lower birth weight than your siblings. Later-borns have an increased risk of hospitalization due to avoidable accidents, which could  be due to a lack of parental attention in a large family. Younger siblings may struggle with mental health during puberty & young adulthood, & are more likely to be admitted to hospital for problems related to alcohol abuse.

IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES children are slotted into a ROLE, usually by birth-order, sometimes by gender. The main Toxic Roles are Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child & Mascot.

re. ONLY children : If an ACoA was an ONLY who had to deal with adults who were drunk, raging, ranting for hours, uninvolved & distant or just plain missing – the child ended up filling all the Toxic family Roles.
This usually has a long-term effect, such as being the caretaker Hero throughout adulthood. But during a particularly stressful event – these CoAs may cycle thru all 4 Roles in rapid succession.
This can make the child (& later as adult) seem like they’re ‘crazy’, switching from one mode to another, (placating, raging, silent, humorous, withdrawn…. ). But NO – they’re just trying to cope with the impossible – & having to do so way beyond their capacity!

NEXT: Birth Order – Part 2

2022 HAPPY NEW YEAR! to all my readers.

THANK YOU!

NEW Self-Parenting Work Book (2021)

Text COPIED from Amazon.com

PREVIOUS: Growth Goals, #2b

SITE: Narcissistic Personality Disorder Treatment & Management

NOTE: Most mental health conditions are treated with a combination of therapy & medication.
But personality disorders, including NPD, do not respond to medication. If drugs are prescribed, they’re used to treat symptoms of co-occurring disorders such as depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD…

IN-PATIENT THERAPY
While outpatient therapy can be effective as a long-term option, NPD sufferers new to recovery should start treatment in a residential mental health treatment facility. It offers more hope for improvement to anyone who’s finally had the courage to admit having problems they can’t solve on their own.

It’s often said that recovery rates for NPD are low. But inpatient treatment can be effective because sufferers are in a calm, non-judgmental environment where they’re not distracted by outside stressors.
They also receive appropriate treatment for symptoms of any co-occurring emotional, behavioral &/or health conditions, such as substance abuse = 40.6%, anxiety = 40%,  & other mood disorders = 28.6%…..

✳️ ALL therapies for NPD work toward modifying unhealthy thoughts & actions – to replace them with saner, more effective ones. The main differences are in treatment styles.

OUT-PATIENT THERAPIES
🌱 Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
New skills are learned from the therapist in the office. The N will also have homework, to practice the changes between sessions.
Techniques : cognitive restructuring, guided discovery & questioning, journaling, scheduling positive activities & social situation exposure

🌱 Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
This is a form of CBT with a focus on : distress tolerance, emotion regulation, relationship skills & mindfulness.
It includes individual &/or group sessions where the N can learn & practice new coping strategies. (Mainly for BPD, but also applied to NPD issues)

🌱 Eye movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR therapy )
A step-by-step process divided into 8 distinct phases. Throughout, the therapist directs the N’s eye movements to divert attention from old beliefs & experiences, lessening the impact of traumatic memories & emotional triggers

🌱 Family therapy
Narc behavior severely impacts families, so involving loved ones in the Recovery process can help NPD sufferers learn about & hopefully understand the true effects of their self-centered behavior

🌱 Gestalt therapy
Using Field-theory exercises can help clients see what’s really going on right now, rather than what they assume is happening based only on past experience. Clients are encouraged to re-enact old painful ones, identifying blocks to true self-awareness which cause them distress

🌱 Group Therapy
The goal is to help NPD sufferers lean to treat others in more appropriate ways. It provides an opportunity to see how others experience them, & how their specific behaviors impact others.

🌱 Mentalization-based Therapy (MBT)
This focuses on improving clients’ ability to become internally self-reflective, as well as pay attention to the ideas & emotions of others. They learn about the intent behind other people’s behavior, & work on thinking things through before reacting. Then they may be able to connect emotions with behavior patterns. (Mainly for BPD, but also applied to NPD)

🌱 Meta-cognitive Inter-personal Therapy (MIT)
This is a step-by-step treatment designed to :
‣ dismantle N processes by looking at problems in the N’s own life
‣ see their maladaptive patterns in relationships
‣ lessen old behaviors, & build adaptive ones
The therapist will be looking for barriers to therapy effectiveness, & work to help improve it (Book)

🌱 Ration-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT)
A practical, action-oriented approach for dealing with emotional, cognitive & behavioral problems, to improve personal growth & psychological wellbeing

🌱 Psychoanalysis (Psychotherapy)
This is the original ‘talk therapy’. In one-on-one sessions, clients explore the reasons behind their emotions & actions. As they start to understand & accept painful past events – present day emotions & actions become clearer, so clients can manage them better, & then change the way they react to current triggers

🌱 Schema therapy
This is a newer approach shown to be beneficial in treating Ns, an integrative approach combining parts of Psychotherapy & CBT. The aim is to help clients identify & understand unhelpful coping mechanisms formed from early childhood experiences.
Once maladaptive schemas are uncovered, clients can learn to modify them

🌱 Transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP)
In this work, clients redirect the N’s desires for -or- intense emotions about another person on to the therapist. This may make it easier to talk things through, as the therapist helps them gain insights.
Clients can identify self-destructive ideas & patterns of interaction – as they come up during a session, rather than only focusing on outside events.

NEXT : Self-Parenting Books

PREVIOUS: N’s Growth GOALS (#2a)

SITE: SCHEMA Therapy  to treat narcissism

10 Stages of Therapy for NPD (cont)
4: Create New Coping Mechanisms
5: Form New Habits

6: Impact on Other People
Most of the time, N-clients can’t seriously consider how they affect other people until they’ve developed better coping strategies. Otherwise it puts a dent in their self-image & they’ll feel too much shame.
If they understand themself better & can form new action-habits  they’ll gradually create a more realistic (normal size) pride.
This lessens the need to be grandiose, increasing the ability to tolerate the idea that : their life may improve if they also considered other people’s needs.
It’s not yet emotional empathy, since they’re still looking at everything through the self-benefit lens.

7: Focus on Childhood Pain
Having gone thru previous stages (back & forth), clients are calmer & their life is generally less frantic. They’ve learned what life’s situations trigger over-reactions in themself, & have developed more productive ways of coping.

As some of their defensive patters against feeling shame lessen, therapy is focused more on painful traumas from the past. If some of it starts to heal, they may develop moments of emotional empathy for their child-self .
This can then become the ability to form a stable, realistic image of themself (Whole Object-Relations), helping them deal also with others more realistically, not splitting them into all-good or all-bad.

8: Update the Inner Voice
To develop emotional empathy for others, NPDs need to have (at least) some compassion for themself. More would be even better.
Typically, people update their apps, cell phones, computers….  but most of us still run our life based on corrupted inner “software” that was programmed into us as a very young child.
The therapist can explain how children automatically internalize their own version of :
– how their caregivers saw them
– their caregivers’ ideas about right & wrong, and
– their beliefs about what thoughts & actions deserve praise or blame.

Everyone can benefit from examining how their Inner Guiding Voice talks to them.  ASK : ➡️
At this level of growth clients start noticing the tone & content of their Inner Voice, & realize that how they speak to themself can be greatly improved.
This requires a willingness to challenge or inhibit the toxic voice. Sometimes all that’s needed is a firm “Stop that!” when the voice is mean & undermining

They can explore what positive self-talk sounds like & how effective it can be. Clients can practice developing & responding internally with various positive statements they’re comfortable with. Naturally, this will take focused awareness, vigilance & many repetitions.

Note: We can tell how harsh someone is toward themself by listening to how they talk to others. Outer harshness is direct proportional to Inner harshness. Blaming & judging others redirects the nasty inner critic —> outward, which may temporarily buy the N some inner quiet, but at other people’s expense.

9: Empathy for Other People
Once the N accepts their pain & gets some control over the negative Introject’s voice, they can start noticing who other people really are. But it’s still mainly from their own point of view. Tentative, fledgling empathy will be based on whether the other person :
— is not currently an emotional threat to the narcissist
— reminds them of themself (narcissistic symbiosis)
— is currently or has been traumatized in similar ways to the N

10: Authenticity
The therapist’s consistent, non-judgmental, compassionate interest in them allows the N’s defenses to become less rigid, improving client-therapist relationship.
Little by little they come to trust that they can be authentic in sessions – because the therapist has seen their ‘worst’ side & nothing terrible happened to either one.

As healing continues, the N can take baby steps forward by trying to be more ‘real’ with others as well. If this works, reliance on the old “false self” defenses lessens —> which leads to becoming more comfortable in their skin —-> to being more spontaneous —> to feeling better overall.

Because therapy with NPDs is complex, involving many stages, it takes a long time – since there’s a lot of ground to cover. Sadly, most don’t want to do all of this work, or just can’t.
However, those who do keep plugging away at the growth-process eventually improve, at least somewhat. How much depends on sticking to it year after year, encouraged by tangible improvements in their life – internally & externally.
(Article based on a Quora post, 6/28/19).

NEXT: Narcissists’ GROWTH Goals (#2c)

PREVIOUS: Growth goals for Ns, #1c

SITES: EMDR for N therapy
🪴 Luke 17:3 Ministries (highly recommended Christian ministry dedicated to ACoNs)

REVIEW: Retreating into narcissism is not an effective strategy for coping with trauma. The underlying lack of self-confidence & damaged self-image are fundamental to narcissism, which remain repressed & denied. This creates an internal split between conscious beliefs & unconscious motivations, causing the suffering & dysfunction to continue.

The CAUSAL hypothesis is that N is based on difficult, damaging early life experiences, either specific traumatic events or the more common “traumas of omission” – where a child is repeatedly denied its needs for attachment & nurturing.

Negative PARENTING includes:

🔻 being overly authoritarian & perfectionist
Being under constant pressure to meet unrealistic standards for performance damages a child’s self-esteem, who may eventually retreat into narcissism. This defense would be used to supports their fragile ego by wrapping it in infallibility & superiority.

🔻inconsistent responses – swinging between neglect or criticism, and then being over-indulgence
Being immersed in such an unpredictable environment will cause confusion & insecurity in a child. To bring clarity, they may put on the cloak of narcissism to create a grand & important self-image

🔻a combination of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
 This can include actions by parents or other adult caregivers, or excessive bullying or teasing by peers. If no therapeutic intervention is provided to deal with the abuse, the victim may adopt narcissistic attitudes to counteract their devastating effects, by helping to suppress traumatic memories
🧍🏽👬 👩‍👦 👨‍👩‍👦
To counter the results of such traumatic upbringing, evidence-based psychotherapy works to provide N-clients the opportunity to absorb the therapist’s positive, caring attitude into themself.
This interaction can lessen the effects of the ‘bad voice’/ Introject, & add some healthier internal psychic structures
POSTS :  📌UNIT = Healthy Adult + Loving Parent
📌 REPLACING the Negative Introject 

10 STAGES of Therapy for Narcissistic Disorder
From: Elinor Greenberg Ph.D. “Understanding Narcissism”
Based on her treating people with NPD for over 40 years.
“This is a condensed look at the process. Recovery therapy will never be this neat or linear. Different forms of therapy for NPD exist (Part 3), & each client will find some will  work better than others.”

1: Symptom Relief or Appeasement
Most NPDs do not go to therapy in order to reflect or change. It’s usually to get relief from unpleasant feelings & symptoms, or to please someone important to them. Most leave as soon as they feel better or the other person is appeased

2: Avoid Future Pain
Some NPDs find therapy more interesting than they expected. If they’re at all capable of self-reflection, they may continue long enough to understand their triggers, & develop a plan that will help to avoid future pain. At this stage it’s still all about them, without any desire to understand or change their effect on other people. On the contrary, it’s only about understanding other people’s impact on themself.

3: Identify their Coping Mechanisms
In this stage the client is being guided to understand & identify their primary defense patterns. It may involve looking at their childhood experiences, & how they learned to cope. This is still fairly easy because, in many cases, it can be explored without the N feeling judged.

4: Create New Coping Mechanisms
Even though the client knows how they act & why, the old N strategies do not simply disappear. When you’re holding on to the edge of a cliff with both hands so you don’t fall, you’re not going to just let go (to grab a life-line) just because someone says your climbing technique is inefficient or painful.
Instead, the client will need to be presented with more constructive & effective ways to meet their needs. With help, they can use some that work & which ones they can handle.

5: Form New Habits
Most N coping mechanisms can be considered as habits that are encoded in the brain through neuronal connections. The basic growth goals are to :
(1) Inhibit the old, automatic narcissistic habits
(2) Substitute new, more desirable behaviors.

If this is repeated hundreds of times, the more useful strategies eventually get encoded into new pathways. The older neuronal connections weaken through lack of use, & better coping strategies become the automatic default.
(MORE in “Neural Darwinism” 1987 ∼ Dr.Gerald Edelman, biologist, 1929-2014)

NEXT : Growth Stages 6-10 (#2b)

PREVIOUS: Growth Goals for Ns (#1b)

FYI : The complete series on narcissism is made up of 70 posts!

Therapy for NPD is a long process
Many NPDs feel defensive about treatment or think it’s unnecessary – that therapy is not worth their time & money. If they do try it, they don[t last.  Because Ns use defenses of denial, distortion, & projection, they believe all their problems come from the outside, so being introspective is not even considered. Thus, they rarely go to individual therapy.

🔷 NPD treatment – Long-term Psychodynamic Psychotherapy is recommended, exploring the relationship between therapist & patient, with a focus on defenses used during sessions.

Talk therapy tries to help the client take responsibility for their inner word & external behavior, such as understanding what triggers their emotions, what drives them to compete, to distrust & belittle others, & despise themself.
✿ BTW : This process may significantly reduce self-harming & emergency room visits, because people with personality disorders (PDs) seem to have higher morbidity & mortality rates than those without.

A study in the UK indicated that –  the life expectancy for PD women is shorter by 19 years, & 18 years for men – than people in the general population. (ARTWORK ➡️ : Panna Parmar)
Increased mortality is explained in part by:
‣ cardiovascular & respiratory diseases
‣ increased incidence of suicide or homicide
‣ long-term smoking, alcohol & drug misuse
&/or
‣ poor quality of medical care either by self-neglect, or by troubled social interactions – typical of all PDs – that negatively effect relationships with health-care professionals, such as mis-communications, antagonism & non-compliance.     (Intro to NPD – slide show)

Issues for Ns to MODIFY or OVERCOME
🎍Arrogance
Problem to correct : their snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitude
🎍Entitlement
Problem : assuming they have the right to be to be catered to & treated with ‘honor’ & respect as if it’s their due – just because – without earning it. Then they’re puzzled or furious when it doesn’t happen
🎍Envy of others
Problem : envious (between 2) & jealous (between 3 or more) of others, & react by severely devaluing their positive qualities & contributions

🎍Exploiting others
Problem : taking advantage of others in order to achieve the N’s goals. Friendships or romantic attachments are only formed if the other person seems likely to advance the N’s agenda, or otherwise enhance their self-esteem & reputation

🎍Need for excessive admiration
Problem : the N’s need for endless attention, constant fishing for compliments, going out of their way to get people to admire them.

Actually, their self-esteem is very fragile, being hyper-sensitivity to criticism or defeat, which cause intense feeling of humiliation & worthlessness. Reactions can be isolation or defiant counterattack.

Also WORK ON:
🎍 Associate with ‘ordinary’ people, & accept being their equal
Problem : feeling ‘special’ & unique, believing they can only be understood by, or associated with, other special or high-status people & institutions

🎍 Learn humility
Problem : a grandiose sense of self-importance, while diminishing others. They routinely over-estimate their abilities, exaggerating accomplishments, being boastful & pretentious

🎍 Put aside grandiose fantasies
Problem : preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Are obsessed with getting “long overdue” special status, comparing themself favorably with famous or privileged people

🎍 Show respect for other’s emotions & point of view
Problem : ‘sharing’ their own worries or unfair treatment in inappropriate & lengthy detail, while uninterested in others’ opinions or experiences.

Whether obvious or not, they’re emotionally cold. Impatient with anyone else talking about their problems, they’re oblivious to the hurt their insensitive remarks cause.
They see the expression of needs or feelings in others as signs of weakness (& therefore their own superiority).

For ACoAs with N issues, who are willingly committed to personal healing, the work will be to :
✦ Find & acknowledge having legitimate human Needs & Rights
✦ Give up waiting for someone (anyone) else to take care of them
✦ Give up the illusion of Perfectionism & to stop Procrastinating

✦ Increase ability to understand & regulate emotions (dealing with triggers)
✦ Learn how to accept & maintain genuine personal / intimate relationships, & better collaboration with co-workers

✦ Let go of the desire (demand) for unattainable goals & ideal conditions, accepting what’s realistically achievable, & then pursuing that

✦ Recognize & accept their genuine competence & accomplishments, realistic experiences & potential abilities – in order to tolerate external criticism or personal disappointments & failures without ‘collapsing’
✦ Understand & tolerate the impact of things that may dent their self-esteem

NEXT: N-Growth Goals (Part 2a)

PREVIOUS: Growth Goals for Ns, (#1a)

SITE: NPD Treatment

What Type of Narcissist does Well in Therapy?
Because of the explosion of interest in NPD & easy access to information about it on the internet, more people are identifying their narcissism & contacting therapists for help.
Some people with ‘N adaptations’ are better suited to psychotherapy than others. These clients can be considered more ‘self-aware’, & seem to have several characteristics in common. (www.elinorgreenberg.com)

SELF-AWARE Ns
🔸Acknowledge the feelings of others
People with N can develop more realistic empathy IF THEY—
— imagine looking through the eyes of someone they feel is a lot like themself (still self-referent)
— consider how their children will be affected, or how they’re seen by people who value / admire them

🔸Capacity for Self-Reflection
This is the ability to look objectively at one’s own motives & actions.
Self-reflection can be hard for Ns because doing so damages their protective shell of perfection – which keeps them from having to look inside for the source of their problems.
If their illusion of perfection is challenged, they’re capable of lashing out, or becoming trapped in a self-hate spiral.
Only a few Ns out of thousands are desperate enough to be self-reflective.

🔸Desire for Self-Improvement
There’s a subset of Ns who genuinely want to grow, & are willing to do the hard work necessary. These clients believe that change is possible, & can imagine improving themself & their life. As one said: “Once I see that I could do something better, I want to learn how.”

🔸Dual diagnosis
Ns often have mental & physical health issues as well, including anxiety, anorexia nervosa, depression, & substance misuse. These problems can encourage the N to seek therapy. A desire to relieve existing emotional pain & prevent future distress can be strong motivators toward change – which is not a narcissist’s natural desire.

🔸Ego Strength
This is the ability to be emotionally stable & in touch with reality when under internal or external stress.
Being in therapy can be like living in your home while it’s being renovated – a lot of chaos, uncertainty & mess during construction. Therefore a person needs strong internal core (guts), so that when the therapist challenges a deep-set N defense, & their underlying shame hits, the person doesn’t fall apart & stops functioning.

Dismantling the N’s world-view has to be done very slowly & carefully, which is one reason their therapy takes so long. It is also why so many Ns quit before reaching their goals. When necessary, the therapist can temporarily “loan the client their ego strength” to support the client while going through this difficult & delicate process.

🔸High – Low Functioning
Some Ns are able to navigate everyday life without significant difficulty, such as initiating projects & finish them. They graduated school, have a job, a relatively a stable living environment, & are able to make friends.

At the other extreme, if they’re too low functioning (in society & re. self-care), all their energy will be spent on simply surviving. So they’re much less likely to worry about their diagnosis – having to worry about their next meal or the latest eviction notice.

Naturally, there are functioning Ns who manage to look good on the outside, but will always try to handle their symptoms by themself, while still negatively effecting family & colleagues.

🔸High Intelligence
All other things being equal, highly intelligent Ns are more likely to see the big picture & accept that there’s a the difference between their perceptions & reality. As one self-aware N clients said: “Just because it feels real to me, doesn’t mean it IS real.”

🔸Motivated
….. if there’s something going on in their life they don’t like, & want to change. It could be that their second marriage is failing or that they didn’t get the promotion they worked for – again.
But for many Ns, as long as everything seems to be working for them, they’re not going to bother researching their diagnosis or going for help.

🔸Psychologically Minded
The Ns who do best in therapy have an innate interest & curiosity in why people think & act as they do. They read self-help books & blogs, go to 12 step-Programs & talk to friends about their feelings. So they’re much more likely to stick with long-term therapy because they enjoy the process of self-discovery.

NEXT : Growth GOALS (#1c)

PREVIOUS: Recovery from Narc Abuse, #2

SITE : :How to Develop Empathy for Someone Who Annoys You”

NPD Treatment
There is no cure for NPD, but talk therapy can teach these clients to modify the most self-defeating behaviors, to ‘understand’ their emotions & actions, & have more realistic expectations of others . But the fundamental structure of their dysfunction does not change.

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NEXT: Overt Ns – themselves (#1)