PREVIOUS: N’s Growth GOALS (#2a)
SITE: SCHEMA Therapy to treat narcissism
10 Stages of Therapy for NPD (cont)
4: Create New Coping Mechanisms
5: Form New Habits
6: Impact on Other People
Most of the time, N-clients can’t seriously consider how they affect other people until they’ve developed better coping strategies. Otherwise it puts a dent in their self-image & they’ll feel too much shame.
If they understand themself better & can form new action-habits they’ll gradually create a more realistic (normal size) pride.
This lessens the need to be grandiose, increasing the ability to tolerate the idea that : their life may improve if they also considered other people’s needs.
It’s not yet emotional empathy, since they’re still looking at everything through the self-benefit lens.
7: Focus on Childhood Pain
Having gone thru previous stages (back & forth), clients are calmer & their life is generally less frantic. They’ve learned what life’s situations trigger over-reactions in themself, & have developed more productive ways of coping.
As some of their defensive patters against feeling shame lessen, therapy is focused more on painful traumas from the past. If some of it starts to heal, they may develop moments of emotional empathy for their child-self .
This can then become the ability to form a stable, realistic image of themself (Whole Object-Relations), helping them deal also with others more realistically, not splitting them into all-good or all-bad.
8: Update the Inner Voice
To develop emotional empathy for others, NPDs need to have (at least) some compassion for themself. More would be even better.
Typically, people update their apps, cell phones, computers…. but most of us still run our life based on corrupted inner “software” that was programmed into us as a very young child.
The therapist can explain how children automatically internalize their own version of :
– how their caregivers saw them
– their caregivers’ ideas about right & wrong, and
– their beliefs about what thoughts & actions deserve praise or blame.
Everyone can benefit from examining how their Inner Guiding Voice talks to them. ASK : ➡️
At this level of growth clients start noticing the tone & content of their Inner Voice, & realize that how they speak to themself can be greatly improved.
This requires a willingness to challenge or inhibit the toxic voice. Sometimes all that’s needed is a firm “Stop that!” when the voice is mean & undermining
They can explore what positive self-talk sounds like & how effective it can be. Clients can practice developing & responding internally with various positive statements they’re comfortable with. Naturally, this will take focused awareness, vigilance & many repetitions.
Note: We can tell how harsh someone is toward themself by listening to how they talk to others. Outer harshness is direct proportional to Inner harshness. Blaming & judging others redirects the nasty inner critic —> outward, which may temporarily buy the N some inner quiet, but at other people’s expense.
9: Empathy for Other People
Once the N accepts their pain & gets some control over the negative Introject’s voice, they can start noticing who other people really are. But it’s still mainly from their own point of view. Tentative, fledgling empathy will be based on whether the other person :
— is not currently an emotional threat to the narcissist
— reminds them of themself (narcissistic symbiosis)
— is currently or has been traumatized in similar ways to the N
10: Authenticity
The therapist’s consistent, non-judgmental, compassionate interest in them allows the N’s defenses to become less rigid, improving client-therapist relationship.
Little by little they come to trust that they can be authentic in sessions – because the therapist has seen their ‘worst’ side & nothing terrible happened to either one.
As healing continues, the N can take baby steps forward by trying to be more ‘real’ with others as well. If this works, reliance on the old “false self” defenses lessens —> which leads to becoming more comfortable in their skin —-> to being more spontaneous —> to feeling better overall.
Because therapy with NPDs is complex, involving many stages, it takes a long time – since there’s a lot of ground to cover. Sadly, most don’t want to do all of this work, or just can’t.
However, those who do keep plugging away at the growth-process eventually improve, at least somewhat. How much depends on sticking to it year after year, encouraged by tangible improvements in their life – internally & externally.
(Article based on a Quora post, 6/28/19).
NEXT: Narcissists’ GROWTH Goals (#2c)
