PREVIOUS: GRANDIOSITY and ‘NORMAL’ (# 1)

REMINDER:  All posts on ABUSE will have a lot of repetition.

1. NORMAL

2. GRANDIOSITY (G) (cont)
a. KIDS: This is a legitimately ‘normal’ characteristic of small children, all the way thru the teens – thinking they can do much more than they actually can (fly – with their arms, keep playing without having to eat or sleep, get away with misbehaving, doing something big – like driving or having sex – without guidance or training, not needing help “I can do it my-self!”….). It’s a self-focused survival mechanism – preventing children from being crushed by fully realizing the extent of their vulnerability.

b. ADULTS (a G / Gs = people who act grandiose)
This refers to someone who has a sense of uniqueness, superiority (not a ‘puny human’) – the belief that few others have anything in common with themself, & that they can only be understood by a few or very ‘special people’.
Sound familiar?  This is a form of narcissism which is normal in children but is supposed to be outgrown by adulthood.

For ACoAs it’s a continuation of that early psychological defense, not having yet developed a healthy Adult Ego State. As long as our WIC runs the show we use that same protection to hide our sense of vulnerability – which now comes from being stuck in our frightening past.  EXPs:

Self-Hate : All of S-H is a form of grandiosity – in negative terms: “I am the ‘worst’, the most hopeless, I don’t have the capacity to love, I’ll never get better, I have to give up the hope of finding someone right for me….”
EXP :  Always feeling separate – “I never fit anywhere”, different – but negatively or superior – “I don’t have any problems”, while acting out Victim role. “You just don’t understand!”

No Limits : Not having boundaries – “I’m the same as you, you are me, we feel & think alike…” the state of an infant that we need to outgrow.
EXP:  Pushing ourself until we collapse. or going beyond normal limits – especially when in a weakened condition. (Run on an injured leg, over-use hands, over-do exercise, go to work when very sick, try to rescue our Perps or other Victims, mind other peoples’ business ….)

Perfectionism : Yes it shows up everywhere!
This is an impossible goal, regardless of some spiritual teachings. Yet we try to compensate for the continual inner & outer sense of danger by trying to know everything & never make a mistake – instead of healing the wounds that cause our fear.

We’re convinced that anything about us or our actions that’s not 100% ideal (distorted, unrealistic standards) IS:
• our failure to make up for our ‘unwillingness to be good’ (please our parents), which we use to beat ourself up – & then try again to be inhuman
• ‘proof’ of our inherent & permanently flawed identity, making us unworthy of anything positive in life. Since we believe we’re defective, we can easily be thrown away. Our imperfect-ness is assumed to be our fatal flaw.

As the WIC says:
“No one loves or takes care of me, so I might as well die”!  PS: This is not being dramatic – to a small child. AND it’s:
• the reason why we don’t even bother trying many things we’re actually capable of doing, lest we ‘fail’ (to be perfect).
What an illusion. What a waste of possibilities!

Finished with an Issue
This is the extreme opposite of “I’ll never get better”. Most common in early Recovery – we think we’re DONE with a character defect or childhood pattern that we worked on for a while.
OR – we think we should have gotten over our ‘issues’ by now (in Recovery, at our age, with so much therapy….)

Problem : When that same old (“cleaned up”) emotional reaction or unhealthy behavior inevitably resurfaces, usually under stress – we feel defeated, full of S-H & fall back into : “I’m hopeless at this growth stuff. I might as well not even try!”
Reality : Repetition & Process lead to improvement – NOT perfection!

GIVING UP Grandiosity?
To let go of this defense we need to know all our needs & rights, as well as our limitations.  It’s finding a healthy balance between :
🏵 realistic optimism based on acknowledging all examples of our progress ➕
💔 a realistic understanding of the depth of our wounds & the ongoing nature of process.
Healing & growth will take the rest of our life – no matter how successful we become. That’s what it means to be human.  Al-anon slogan: “Progress, not perfection”!

NEXT: What is Emotional Abuse? #1

PREVIOUS: Victims or Not? #1

QUOTEs:  • “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life. Define yourself.” ~ Harvey Fierstein

•  “You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure.” ~ (from ‘Eleven Minutes’, by Paulo Coelho)

🌋 VICTIMs or NOT?  (V = victim , P = Perpetrator / abuser)
a. Victim (Part 1)

b. Stoic: At the other extreme are the ACoAs (often in the Hero role) who can’t admit anything bad happened to them. These believe we were not abused & that everything was fine.  Even if we do sometimes say it wasn’t all great, we believe it was our fault. We walk around with emotional stab wounds, bleeding from unseen trauma & pretending we’re fine. Just fine, thanks over much!

Our closest & ‘dearest’ can carelessly spew their damage at us, YET we blame ourself! We say: “But, they didn’t mean it / They didn’t know any better”….
What we mean is : “Since they didn’t mean to hurt me, I can’t be angry at them! So there’s no reason to be upset (I don’t want to feel anything)”. Phew!
This reasoning is SO flawed because all ACoAs are in fact sad, lonely, disappointed, hurt & angry – under whatever defenses we’ve cobbled together!

It’s not healthy for us to ignore what’s going on – inside or outside. Denying that we were wounded by our family and that we have many & complex emotions – is a way to victimize ourself – adding to the original pain.
If most ‘normal’ adults are enraged by being mistreated over time, how much more so are children, who are dependent, vulnerable & powerless.

Abuse & neglect are terrifying & humiliating, no matter what the reason for it or motivation of the P. As kids, the longer we had to ignore bad behavior, the angrier we got – which often got suppressed & then acted out on ourself & others. EXP: Reason for the murder of Martha Moxley, seen near the end of the TV movie “Murder in Greenwich” (2002).

Re. Pity for others
One way stoic ACoAs can feel superior & also deny our pain – is to feel sorry for others, especially our parents & mates. It may seem like a show of kindness & empathy on our part, but all it does is allow our Ps to get away with being inappropriate & stay unhealed.
Feeling pity for incompetent, addicted or abusive people is a way to disguise our anger at them for not taking care of themselves & not carrying their weight in the relationship.

REVIEW why we don’t want to “know what I know”
Because • we figure the situation is futile – since we can’t change it – so why even notice  (this is NOT the healthy Powerlessness of Recovery, ie. Letting Go). AND —
— WE would have to:
• be ‘forced’ to feel that old fury, & we’re not allowed to be angry at ‘them’ OR to weep about it!
• give up the illusory power of our S-H “I can fix people-places-things so they’ll stop hurting me”
• give up the WIC’s hope / demand that they will get better, love us, turn things around, connect with us
• feel the depth of pain from how badly we’ve been treated
• S & I (reject the Introject), be our own Parent, give up the WIC’s desperate wish to be taken care of

♦ We are not only protecting ourself from past & present Reality, but also protecting our Perpetrators. Not speaking up about how their mistreatment has affected us is self-destructive, and abdicates responsibility to ourself. It’s giving the P permission to continue neglecting us, beating up our Inner Child & disrespecting our Healthy Adult.

Not feeling ALL our emotions a little at a time (the high achievers, isolators, rescuers, caretakers, Heroes & Mascots….), especially the old sorrow & rage, has a high price. It makes us internally ‘dead’ & externally alone, a numbness that has become a wall, even if we keep busy, busy & have lots of relationships.
RECOVERY is about moving out of the Victim Role into our True Self.

NEXT:  Grandiosity & Normal #1

THE BETTER MY SELF-ESTEEM
the better my relationships

PREVIOUS: Character: HUMANITY (#1)

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

💚 INTEGRITY (giving our very best)
It’s uprightness of character – decency, honesty, soundness, & being internally complete or undivided (the True Self).
Expressed as – being loyal, faithful, dependable, & dedicated.
Conducting ourself responsibly – to the rules & laws of our community & spiritual beliefs. EXP : Consistent Honesty eliminates guilt & shame, while increasing self-confidence & sense of inner peace.
EXP:
• able to admit to making a mistake  • be dependable & trustworthy
• be fair in our dealing with others & not be manipulative
• be willing to tell the truth even if it costs us money, friends, even our reputation
• don’t exaggerate to make ourself or things seem bigger or better than we are
•  do the ‘right’ thing all the time, even when no one is watching

💚 JUSTICE (rectitude, fairness, uprightness).
Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right & true.
 Conforming to the principles of human or divine law, strict performance of moral obligations, integrity in dealing with people, correctly representing facts about their value or demerit
EXP:
• always remain open to reason  • keep our own conscience clean  • never prejudice others  • render to everyone their due or right • have respect for the authority of law   • speak out for what is pure, right & true

💚 LOVE (well-wishing, kindness, self-sacrifice).
The emotion of strong affection & attachment. An unselfish loyal & benevolent concern for the good of another. Can be passionate desire, closeness & intimacy, platonic or devotional
EXP:
•  feel a deep appreciation for everyone we meet because each is unique & special • put a special someone’s needs before our own • see people for who they really are, & still care deeply

💚 LOYALTY (unswerving allegiance)
Show commitment to those we serve or care about, especially during hard times. Hold to our vows, allegiance or obligations towards any person or group.
It’s being supportive, consistent & faithful to a custom, cause, duty, legitimate (healthy) person or ideal that we believe in
It does NOT demand our silence or paralysis when somebody or something is in the wrong, is unfair, unjust….
EXP:
• be of service to family & community  • encourage others in hard times  • don’t mock authorities • point out the good in others

💚 SERVICE (massing on what we receive)
Giving up some personal rights & expectations – temporarily or for the long term – from a desire to serve. Not just providing goods & services as payment, or performing one’s duties.
It’s also helping others to get what they want – actions that don’t involve a return, compensation, or consideration to oneself. Unsolicited help or benefit to someone in need, or doing someone a favor. Also, active devotion to God, through good works & prayer.
EXP:
• be humble, but not humiliated!    • be slow to react • be willing to go last, sometimes   •  don’t be boastful  • don’t grumble or complain   •  honor one’s country   • look for ways to help others without being asked

💚 TOLERANCE (towards self & others)
Accept ourself & others just as we /they are, rather than how we’d like ourself /them to be. Appreciate diversity – willing to recognize & respect the beliefs or practices of others. Allow others the right to their own opinions & peculiarities, & to be happy in their own way – if it doesn’t hurt others.
Realize that everyone is at a different stage of their character development, & accept that they express their unique character qualities in varying degrees of maturity. Overlook minor irritants in others. When annoyed, ask ourself “How important is it?”
EXP:
• accept the parts of ourself & other people that are UNchangeable  • don’t confuse what’s popular with what’s right  •  expect the same of ourself as we expect of others or vice-versa   • listen carefully with an open mind, before forming an opinion   • look for ways to help others to grow & mature.

NEXT: Principles of C. Outline

PREVIOUS: Character – Knowledge #1

QUOTE : “Learning is not attained by chance. It must be sought with ardor and attended with diligence” ∼ Abigail Adams.

◎ CREATIVITY
◎ CURIOSITY
◎ DISCERNMENT

◉ LOVE of LEARNING
It’s the main basis for achieving goals which are important to us : we need to be internally motivated, persist in spite of challenges & have a growth mindset. Love of Learning is related to Curiosity, but goes beyond it – as the desire to systematically add to what we know, & taking joy in the intrinsic value of the process. It includes the effort to master new skills, topics & bodies of knowledge, whether on ones own or formally.

It’s wanting to make sense of things, finding out how things work, gaining competence & control over self & the environment. It’s being open, perceptive & experimental.
EXP: • being excited by new ways of understanding • not afraid to admit ignorance  • open to all types of information  • wanting to know how the world works  • willing to go the extra mile to gather all the facts possible

◉ OPEN-MINDEDNESS
It’s being able to listen attentively to other points of view in order to understand & respect them – without necessarily agreeing.  It includes the ability to hold 2 contradictory thoughts at the same time (ambiguity), while others are taking sides. When presented with a new or radical idea, consider it a possibility instead of looking for points to disagree with or immediately rejecting it.
When appropriate, embrace ideas that can help self-growth & raise self-esteem, which decreases the need to always be right, & also helps to neutralize the inappropriate desire for power. By welcoming the ideas of others (listening without necessarily agreeing), we increase their confidence.
EXP:
• accept the goodwill of others (not being cynical)  • be able to see all sides of an issue  • listen without pre-judgement  • willing to follow where true evidence leads

◉ PERSPECTIVE
The ability to understand how things are inter-related or can be compared – how parts of a topic or situation relate to each other & to the whole. Seeing things from different points of view or re-framing a problem, with or without effort.  It helps to judge distances (like what it takes to move from despair to hope), which also makes it possible to mentally hold comparisons that help manage emotional responses, allowing for  optimism.

It’s best to NOT view a situation or a person using the lens of our past. Proper perspective provides an understanding of what’s happening in the moment, seeing clearly the answer in any situation & the correct next step toward our vision of success. ( re. elephant Parable)
EXP:
• bring our attention completely into the moment  • don’t get caught up in details (forest vs trees) • keep the important things in mind  • step back from a difficult situation to see the bigger picture  • step back and remove oneself from a problem  • take the long view

◉ RESOURCEFULNESS
The ability to quickly, often cleverly, find ways to overcome difficulties & problems, to make things happen when the chips are down & the situation looks bleak.  A unique use of available resources to achieve our goals – people, info, time, money, physical environment – to their fullest potential
Acknowledge but never focus on limitations or obstacles. Live in the now, with an eye on the future.  Resourcefulness is different from Creativity : it’s needed when one is already facing a difficult situation that must be resolved – now – while Creativity allows for time to ponder, dream & process.
While we cannot always be able to anticipate every situation, the more we’re prepare ahead of time for the issues we are familiar with, the more resources we’ll have to draw on when faced with a problem.
EXP:
• be able to out-think an opponent   • find practical uses for things others would overlook or discard   • make wise use of our energy, mind, talents & time   • see value in a wide variety of objects, ideas, & people

NEXT: Character – Social IQ