Author: dmtorbi

Anger – Ways to REACT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

all tied up
I’M ALL TRIED UP
in my own inner red tape!

PREVIOUS: Ways to React (Part 1)

SITE: “Anger – The Hidden Anxiety Emotion”

 

4. Three TYPES of Anger (cont.)
a. Hidden  (Part 1)
b. Habitually IRRITATED Type
Physically : it can be part of untreated clinical depression, a side effect of drugs & alcohol abuse, or of some medications. Genetics & family mental illness can also play a part
Psychologically : the underpinning comes from being shamed / neglected / abused as a child, creating deep-seated fear & sense of powerlessness

Our WIC assumes everyone is dangerous, & defends against them by a brittle layer of anger/ rage. Repeated traumatic events, environmental stress & social / religious constrictions also contribute, preventing the sufferer from learning appropriate coping skills

• Chronically angry/ resentful people (including wounded Type As) have years of experiencing disappointment & frustration, leading them to continually expect more of the same, so it doesn’t take much for them to get angry at even small daily stressors.

Chronic resentment is an ego defense, by keeping track of injuries, dragging them around in a mental bag full of hurt. (From the Latin root : to feel anger over & over)
The more fragile a person’s sense of Self (missing True Self), the more resentment is needed – more important than accurate info, truth & reason, reinforced by greatly distorted thinking (see list of CDs).

• The default position of such people is to always assume & look for emotional potholes, justifying their anger. Stuck in a rut, they’re usually very predictable.  They tend to go through their days looking for a fight, seeing the worst in everyone & every situation. The need to devalue others – to protect themself – easily leads to verbal/ emotional abuse, & eventually to contempt & disgust in their relationships

Their toxic attitude keeps others emotionally & physically far away, which repeats the experience of childhood abandonment in the resenter. This reinforces their shame & so validates their feeling of un-lovability, which leads to even more anger. They report higher levels of family conflict & less social support – because of the effect their anger has on everyone they deal with.CHRONIC angerInternally 
• cranky, curmudgeonly (Jeff Dunham’s WALTER)
• perpetually cynical, bitter, judgmental, controlling
• dissatisfied with of everything, overly critical of themself
• passively resistant, interfering with their own progress
Externally
• Aggressive: overly critical, fault-finding, name-calling, sarcasm, cruelty, prejudice, cynical humor & teasing, flashes of temper or explosive rages
• Assaults: physical harm, verbal rage, slapping, shoving, using a weapon
• Hurtful: malicious gossip, stirring up trouble, stealing, mean pranks
• Rebellious:hating authority, indirectly challenging or openly defiant  (Questions to ask oneself re. symptoms)

c. EXPLOSIVE rage/ anger Type
This is a behavior disorder expressed by unplanned explosive outbursts, with verbal &/or physical abuse, such as impulsive screaming. The person’s reactions are triggered by relatively unimportant events, out of proportion to the actual situation

However, some people do notice their internal ‘warning signs’ before an outburst – such as physical tension, mood & energy changes…. but can’t stop themselves from reacting. (Wikipedia)
— Some become anger junkies, who get off on the adrenaline rush of emotional explosions, which get reinforced if the barrage lets them get their way, at least in the short-term

• Exploders ignore their hurt & anger for a long time, like a dormant volcano. When they finally erupt, the rage usually gets projected onto innocent victims (children, animals, the iPhone….) who didn’t cause the original pain – like hot lava, covering everything in sight.  It takes a lot to push them over the edge, but when that line is crossed, the earth shakes & everyone runs for cover.

EXP: “If you leave your jacket on the floor one more time, I’m leaving you!”
• The build-up usually comes from:
– long-term frustration about not getting one’s needs met in current situations (a marriage, a job….)
– long-term abuse /abandonment in intimate relationships (from parents, a spouse, s teacher….)

• Never taught how to deal with a wide range of hurt – from irritation to assaults – these people habitually swallow it until ‘stuffed’, & then let it out – inappropriately. Because humans can’t feel empathy & rage at the same time, the exploder will say & do overly harsh things they later regret.

EXPLOSIVE anger
NEXT: Ways to react (Part 3)

Anger – Ways to REACT (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-06-07 at 3.15.09 PMI HAVE LOTS OF OPTION
for expressing my anger!

PREVIOUS: Anger – Negative uses  (#2)

SITEs : The Logic of Emotion      

✦ Emotion Wheel app

✦ List of phrases about anger or conflict (date rape, hot-blooded, road rage, tit-for-tat….)   ✦ See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

NOTE: The following 5 posts give several versions of the basic ways to categorize how people react to their own or other people’s anger/rage (Unsafe <—-> Safe)

1. DYNAMICS of Anger Chart
A & C – OUTWARD anger at other people, places or things
A Indirect: sneaky or passive – without admitting or dealing with it
C Direct:
• Assaultive – physical, verbal & sexual cruelty
• Aggressive – attack on someone’s identity rather than their actions/ non-actions

MY dynamics of angerB  INWARD: suppressed & used against oneself, for FEAR of:
• losing control
• being disliked / rejected
• hurting / offending others
• the emotional intensity
• losing close relationship
• disobeying RULE  “Never get angry”
• too little communication / silent remoteness, depression

D Anger RESOLUTION, finding direct ways to manage, change or leave problem situations, using the Healthy Adult ego state

2. ANIMAL Symbolism
⬇️ CHART contrasts 3 ways of dealing with anger :
• Ostrich (Passive) = ignore, deny emotion
• Rhino (Aggressive) = attack, deny responsibility
3 anger ANIMALS• Elephant (Healthy) = be calm, understand, negotiate – expressed by:
a. Knowing ‘anger-signals’, from self or others, & then staying awake for them
b. Using a variety of productive & safe ways to respond (MORE….)

Use the S.M.A.R.T. action plan to deal with issues:
• Face the problem
• Ask questions to gather relevant info
• Re-frame – “What else could this situation mean?”
• Don’t take criticism personally, just learn from it – if possible. Side-step the WIC’s reactions
• Then let go of the whole thing. Forgive yourself, if necessary. (from the ELEPHANT JOURNAL)

3. MOOD MAPS – used to notice anger & in relation to other emotions
MOOD MAPS

 

CHART  ↘️
Appropriate expressions of anger are a way to be assertive (not aggressive)
• Unhealthy : dumping it on others or at oneself
• Ignoring : Suppressing it (denial) eventually leads toanger reactions depression4

NOTE: Speaking in a FIRM tone is not automatically an expression of anger. It can simply mean determination, being sure of something, or making a point.  This also applies to teaching, or correcting & providing discipline, which is meant to guide & support

🌀 However, if your WIC hears firmness, corrections or being giving direction as an attack or put-down, when it’s not meant as such, you’ll experience the same fear & weakness as if it were, based on childhood trauma.

4. Three TYPES of Anger
a. Hidden 
“Just because anger is hidden doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Just because it’s under wraps doesn’t mean it’s under control.”
For many of us, the need to deny the strength or even the existence of our anger is so powerful that we develop the ability to deny our anger even exists – unconsciously or by choice

• BUT – “Anger is such a powerful coping mechanism that repression & suppression are not actually successful. The more you try to avoid it, the more time & energy you ahave to spend with it. It’s a paradox.”  Dr. Roland Mairuo, Seattle MD. (+ Bible references)
Burying anger doesn’t diffuse it, it just burrow underground, where it undermines our sense of Self. The force of it will find other, secondary outlets when not allowed out directly & appropriately, usually in damaging ways

• Freud once likened anger to the smoke in an old-fashioned wood burning stove. The normal avenue for the discharge of smoke is up the flue & out the chimney.
If this is blocked, the smoke will leak out in unintended ways…. around the door, through the grate…. choking everyone in the room. If all avenues of escape are blocked, the fire will go out & the stove is useless.

Humans are the same – if anger is suppressed, it leaks out anyway. If suppressed for too long, we become cold inside & hard outside.
Normal human expression of anger is seen in big physical movements &/or loud vocalization, as in unhappy babies.

HIDDERN anger

NEXT: Ways to React (Part 2)

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

PREVIOUS: Anger & Co-dep #3

BOOK: “When Anger Scares You: How to….”

QUOTE: “If you’re not pissing someone off, you probably aren’t doing anything important” ~ Oliver Emberton (Excellent serious cartoons)


2. OTHER PEOPLE’s Anger (cont.)

WHY we’re afraid:
• Other people’s anger reminds us of one or more raging adults we grew up with. Those terrifying experiences effected our developing, sensitive nervous system. (“Trauma & child’s Brain“)
Unless we’ve done a lot of rage-discharge-work, our body is still warehousing all the old terror those adults (& siblings) continually caused us. (“The Body Keeps the Score” synopses)
angry dad
So now, whether someone is angry directly at us OR just being near someone who’s very angry, our fear can get activated so intensely, it feels like every nerve is on fire!
AND –
• we assume we will get hit, or worse – the way we were as kids
• we don’t know what to say – don’t have clever comebacks, or logical responses (See: “Effective Responses” )
• it triggers our own hidden anger that we’re trying to keep down  (posts: Anger & ACoAs)

MORE ACoA dichotomies
• Co-deps are microscopically focused on what others are saying & doing, to figure out what they want from us. We think that if we can & then provide it, it will ensure a continued connection (because of our FoA).
🧊BUT: this is our narcissism, & desire for symbiotic acceptance – not actually trying to understand who someone else actually is

• Because of very real trauma we grew up with, we experience everyone & everything in the world as dangerous.
🧊BUT: because it was so overwhelming, to survive we trained ourselves to avoid seeing danger – anywhere – a turtle with its head pulignore warningsled in.
So we’re oblivious to all kinds of cues from other people in the present – a kind of emotional Asperger.
We miss hints that someone is:
• belittling, insulting or making fun of us
• anxious to leave, but too polite to say
• angry, annoyed, bored, hurting, scared, upset…..

FACIAL SIGNALS
ANGER: Eyes down, narrowed, tense, or staring, furrow between eyes, brow pulled down, lips drawn tight or raised in squarish shape – muscle movements show when we feel aggressive, frustrated or threatened. Researchers think we make this ‘face’ to protect itself in a physical conflict (furrowed eyebrows protect eyes….)

CONTEMPT: when we literally look down our nose at someone with suspicion or in derision – lowered brow or eyes looking to the side. The main feature is that only one side of the face is pulled tight. (If both sides are / were pulling, we’d be swallowing or salivating)

DISGUST: Here the muscles above the upper lip are pull up, raising it the mouth, wrinkling the nose & narrowing the eyes – as if smelling something foul. Often the mouth opens & the tongue comes out, as if needing to throw up.

USEFUL – know the difference in motivation, between:
BAD anger-expression: used to control others thru intimidation, OR anger at oneself to control other emotions we don’t want to feel,
vs.
HELPFUL anger-expression: to protect ourself from some external danger, OR to indicate that we’re not thinking / acting in our best interest (have somehow abandoned ourselves)

POSITIVE
BUT we also miss positive responses which could heal us. Being ‘oblivious‘ + S-H prevents us from seeing the available benefits all around us which we could accept from people who :
– are available to encourage, help, play with, support, teach….us
– honor, complement or validate us
– are appropriately sexually or socially interested in us

• ⬆️ FACE: “Lie to Me” TV series actor Tim Roth – w/ more micro expressions

Interesting:  French neurologist Duchenne de Boulogne figured out how to tell a real smile from a fake one.
REAL: requires both zygomatic major cheek & orbicularis oculi muscles be active (raised cheeks + outer part around the eye socket that pulls down eyebrows & skin below), especially since very few people can voluntary contract those eye muscles.   (More…)

ARTICLEs: Fear of anger //“How to stop absorbing other people’s emotions” // Micro-expression Training video // How We Read Emotions from Faces + brain // (QUIZ re. 20 Emotions) 

NEXT: Anger – ways to react #1

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

angry girl
IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll be able to know how I feel

PREVIOUS: Anger & Co-D (Part 2)

SITE: ”3 Phrases That Will Instantly Calm Angry or Emotional People”


1. OUR Anger  – in Parts 1 & 2 (cont.)
a. MISSING Emotions
b. INAPPROPRIATE anger/rage (cont.)

🔹As adults, people-pleasing and not getting our own needs met for too long – is draining & enraging.
BTW – your anger at any of the situations in Part 2 “Sudden Flashes” (add you own) may not show for a long time, yet could be burning you up inside – until it boils over.
But even when Co-Dep anger is released, it’s only an escape valve. Without FoO (family of origin) Recovery, it doesn’t solve the underlying issues, so we end up filling the POT again.

• In adversarial relationships, if we act out anger against an abuser, no matter how well deserved, things can escalate, often making things much worse. This can leave us even more frightened, guilty & helpless.
WITHOUT acceptance of reality, we waste a great deal of effort. IF we keep trying to fix a problem by expressing anger over & over (to restore our sense of control) but the bad situation is not fixable, eventually we become depressed or apathetic.

And no matter whatever healthy, kind people tell us to the contrary – the WIC part of us still believes the Toxic Rules — “it’s always been my fault & always will be / nothing good ever comes of trying / I’ll never get it right / I always mess up…. so why bother, if I’m just going to get disappointed or battered anyway?”

Unfortunately, the stronger & deeper these false assumptions are (T), the harder it is to leave unhealthy PPT & find safer environments (A). Without a clear awareness of our needs – & permission to provide them – many of us avoid anger alltogether, staying trapped & hopeless (3 posts re. NEEDS)

2. OTHER PEOPLE’s Anger
Co-dependence comes in many flavors. While people-pleasing is one of it’s hallmarks, it’s not always in the form of over-niceness. It can also be camouflaged by surliness or isolation. Co-deps who tend to crankiness or bursts of rage are just as approval-driven as the more obvious types.

REMINDER: Co-Dep is a defense mechanism which:
♟ supposedly ‘protects’ against feeling overwhelming fear of abandonment
♟ assumes that the power to act is not within us, but only in other people & things
♟ is a way to bury feeling lost & worthless, living in our False Self
♟ prevents us from having our Rights

ANOTHER ACoA dichotomy is that
we confuse assertiveness with attacks.
❤️ Being assertive includes standing up for oneself, with healthy boundaries & valuing Rights, ours & theirs — vs.
💙 Being confrontational, which is fueled by underlying hostility – is the need to push someone around, to get our own way, suppress the other person’s point of view, to punish…..

ALSO :
• Co-deps are secretly angry, raging inside, convinced that any sign of disagreement is an attack, which we fanatically avoid. Not true.
• At the same time, most co-deps can not bear having anyone be angry at or be disappointed in us.
This makes it easy for others – if so inclined – to take advantage. The more approval we need, the less likely we’ll notice the extent our self-sacrifice is in favor of taking care of other people’s needs, want & demands, ignoring our own

Being used, abused & then thrown away – is very painful, creating depression & S-H, in a vicious, downward spiral. Without doing FoO & Inner Child work, we have no way of knowing who we truly are, so we co-dependently look to others to tell us.
It’s an attempt to get the legitimate mirroring our parents should have provided.  (More…. as adults)
Instead, we compulsively go to narcissists & other wounded people to ‘see’ us, who can never reflect back to us who we are. They can only project their False Self, trying to make us like them!

Conflict-Avoidance is about:
US – terrified of our own enormous anger, the loss of control that we think will destroy others, causing loss of acceptance or love  (More
AND
OTHERS – the assumption that everyone becomes unreasonable (out-of-control-crazy-violent) when they’re angry, which we won’t know how to handle. Actually – what we’re used to is rage, which we believe will destroy us!

NEXT: Anger & Co-dep #4

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

co-dep angerTHERE’S NO WAY
for me to win!


PREVIOUS: Anger & Co-D (#1)

 

1. Re. OUR Anger (cont.)
a. MISSING Emotions (cont.)
i. Numb
ii. Disconnected
And then there are the times we FEEL something – that punch in the gut or the stab in the heart, BUT don’t know where it came from.
Our body’s legitimate reaction to abuse is disconnected from our mental center (cortex) because of years of involuntary denial. So —
√ we blame ourself for the pain, thinking we’re making it up, over-reacting / too sensitive, it’s hormonal….
AND
√ if we do make a vague association between our discomfort & a particular person, we justify & excuse it by thinking “they didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just the way they are, she/he DOES love me….”
cat collarIt’s as if we’re wearing one of those animal medical collars: we can see over the top of the stabbers face, but can’t see the knife in their hand as they shove it in!
However, if we take the collar off, & ask the Inner Child how it feels around that unhealthy parent/ friend /boss/ lover….. & if the Child is willing to respond – we find out exactly what’s going on!

So when denial starts wearing off, we’re shocked – first by the pain, & then realizing that all this time our thinking has been way off!
That’s liberating but also very scary, seeing that we’ve built much of
 our world on mental sand.
We have to revamp our whole concept of reality, which can leave us with a lot of anger, realizing how great the abuse really was.

For a long time we may hate our parents, the rage coming in waves. We still want them to be what they can’t & never could be.
Eventually we can accept that we no longer need them to take care of us – we are our own parent NOW, so we can learn to deal with them realistically – whatever that means for each of us.
BOOK: “Coping w/ Codependency” ~ Kay Marie Porterfield

b. INAPPROPRIATE anger/rage
Self-Hate: As co-dependents (Co-Ds) we are brutally critical of our own imperfections, even when they are absolutely normal for being human – whether making a mistake, not knowing something or making an error in judgment.

We also rage at ourselves any time we don’t get a need met or feel hurt – taking on the responsibility for other people’s limitations or unhealthy behavior.
At the same time – we sabotage opportunities for getting those very needs met – to stay loyal to our early training. (“People should treat me better, but….“)

🔹Repressed
In Claudia Black’s book “Deceived”, she places Co-Dep anger on a continuum: Avoidance <– Sideways anger — Anger –> Rage
At the far left it’s sometimes described as feeling dazed & defeated, often part of low-grade chronic depression. For many people (more often women), avoidance is a learned response to stress over time, starting in childhood, along with long-term painful / abusive adult relationships.

🔹Boiled frog syndrome
If placed into a pot of boiling water, a frog will immediately jump to safety rather than burn to death. However, if the frog is placed in a pot filled with room-temperature water, which is then very slowly brought to a boil, it will happily do the backstroke until it’s cooked from the inside out.

boiled frog syndromeCo-Dep anger can be like that as well. In a volatile situation we may fight back or just leave. But if we let our emotions accumulate in the POT, we end up stewing in our own juices until it feels like we’re choking.
Then the anger (& all the pain underneath) bursts outward in harmful ways, or inward with silence, uncontrollable crying, anxiety, constant fidgeting, physical illness…..

🔹Sudden flashes
On the other hand, unexpected burst of anger at others can be a sure sign of co-dependency at its tipping point – in reaction TO:
• always considering what someone else needs AND they rarely / never reciprocate
• being constantly disappointed, but still depending on narcissists to come thru for us – against all evidence
• hearing a correction or suggestion as criticism, triggering S-H
AND / OR
• not being able to get thru to someone, no matter how often we try
• someone not reading our mind – about what we need or want (so we don’t have to ask)
• trying to force someone to be or do something they either don’t want to do, or simply are not able
• trying very hard to please someone who will never be pleased, but we keep trying
• wanting someone to take care of us, but they won’t (& shouldn’t)

NEXT: Anger & Co-D – #3

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

codep anger OF COURSE I’M ANGRY –
everyone disappoints me!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Anger #2

SITEs: • Caring or Co-dependent?

• “Characteristics of Codependent People”

• ”3 Phrases That Will Instantly Calm Angry or Emotional People”


IMPORTANT: If you haven’t already, please read the above articles to acquaint yourself with the basics of co-dependence (Co-Dep), so you can put the topic of anger in perspective (Continuum CHART)

Internal characteristics : Co-Deps have DIFFICULTY with:
• self-esteem & self-care
• setting boundaries
• knowing & accepting all reality
• being moderate & balanced
• self-regulating emotions & behavior

Co-Deps (ACoAs & Addicts) are fundamentally ruled by buried shame, having had to cut ourself off from our internal world.
We rarely know how we actually feel – under all the spinning & drama.

The truth is that we don’t want to know, because it’s painful & we never learned how to develop an inner soother for such occasions. It’s ‘easier’ to stay on the surface & pretend things are just fine, rather than deal with what’s really going on inside – which is emotional starvation.

We may be very busy caretaking the world, but barely provide for ourselves. While it seems that we’re only focused on others, Co-Deps actually spend a great deal of time obsessing – on ourself! – on what we don’t have, what we wish we had, what we did wrong, what others are doing to us, what we/ they should be doing…..

Having to maintain the Co-Dep facade is exhausting, but it started so early in life, we think it’s the real us. Sadly, the performance gives us no satisfaction or relief because it feeds on & is maintained by S-H, anxiety & perfectionism. (Shame & Co-Dep)

1. OUR Anger – We generally think of Co-Deps as being weak, dependent victims. This is how a large portion of us act, even though we’re really not that weak, having survived many horrors, although not very well.

Others will express it as intense counter-dependence (Reverse Laundry List), even to the point of being self-deprivational (need-less & want-less), along with arrogance & grandiosity, our damage spilling out over everyone/ thing.

Many Co-Deps are not aware of our anger, so are often surprised when others react with annoyance to the ways we express it (tone of voice, teasing, unprovoked irritation…..) because we ‘didn’t mean it like that’ – consciously.  Dr Irene, on her excellent “Verbal Abuse” site, notes that:  Co-Deps misplace our anger – we get angry when we shouldn’t, & don’t get angry when we should.

a. MISSING Emotions
i. Numb: Co-Ds are so used to abuse, insensitivity & disrespect, that we have trouble consciously feeling the hurt inflicted on us by unhealthy people.  But the Inner Child does register every single verbal / emotional punch, stab, slap…. delivered by them. (Posts:  “Dissociation“)

Now we not only swallow the venom of those encounters, but add self-blame to the already tremendous reservoir of pain we’ve been carrying since childhood. Like mercury or lead poisoning, we continue to let ourselves be toxified!
NOTE: Fear of our own anger is called Angrophobia (not very original!)

Emotional numbness comes at the very bottom of the Feeling Continuum (but before death 😦 ), because the pain is so-o-o great that we’ve had to cut everything off, so it represents the most distressing level of feeling.
Co-Deps who are still in denial will often say they had a happy or OK childhood. The way we can tell if it was NOT is by listening to how we talk about ourselves – blaming ourselves for not getting what we need & vin life. ‘Emotional Body’ chart

CHART ⬇️

 

NEXT: Anger & Co-D (Part 2)

ACoAs & Anger (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

angry expressionsANGER CAN BE EXPRESSED in many different ways!

PREVIOUS:
ACoAs & Anger – #1

SITE: Anger Management Source – MANY articles

QUOTE: Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ~ Evan Esar

1. ACoAs are terrified of anger (even the angry ones of us!)
a. of OUR own, afraid if we let it out we might kill someone (since we really want to).
It’s a deadly combination of their anger which we absorbed, along with what we built up in response to being neglected & abused. So our emotion POT gets stuffed to the gills, & we do our best to bury it all, then sprinkle it with the pretty flowers of fake niceness. Even so… it leaks out!

b. of OTHERS’ anger, because the WIC assumes they/ it will kill us. It makes sense, since many of us grew up with raging adults (especially when drunk), as well as that of siblings or other family members.
We may also have been stuck with other adults who were too weak & fearful to protect us against those ragers.
And there was no one to sooth us when hurt & terrified, or explain that none of their behavior was our fault.
So we never learned to comfort ourselves. (See also 8 other posts)

We were also never shown or taught how to handle our anger – neither how to think about upsetting situations nor how to behave successfully. We were left alone with our pain, and punished for any display of our reactive anger.

not allowed angerWe may have chosen to copy the long-suffering parent, forever living in fear of everyone’s disapproval & anger.  But ACoAs who are still in their victim role are just as intensely angry as the overtly volcanic types.
While anger may be pushed out of our awareness, it still shows up as :
◆ staying with others who are always subtly displeased, emotional manipulative, or blatantly attacking, who blow up too easily (see Emotional  Abuse )
AND :
◆ relentless S-H & deprivation in all PMES areas, copying our original abandonment, then fueled by a current helpless, hopeless rage aimed in the wrong direction – at ourselves

And if we were designated the Hero child / ‘Good One’ / Golden Child – in the family, then we definitely were not allowed to be angry.
Added to that, many of us received religious injunctions against such an ‘evil’ emotion!

It’s not surprising then – that we have trouble even knowing we’re angry, or that we should be angry when mistreated (T), much less actually feeling it (E). Instead it gets ‘intellectualized’ into resentments – several steps removed from the actual bodily experience of the anger itself!

2. ACoAs – who are SO angry 
• dome of us grew into overt ragers ourselves, copying the dangerous adults
• we may still be walking around in a fairly constant slow burn
• Some know that we are, with varying degrees of acceptance about it, OR
• are genuinely calm & peaceful much of the time with only occasional flare-ups – from doing a great deal of FoO & rage work

3. ACoAs – who DENY being angry
who me angry?Many will insist they’re just not angry, or have gotten past it all, that they’ve forgiven the family, & moved on.
OK, THEN check how accurate you are :
Qs: How do you talk to yourself, internally?
How good is your practical self-care?

❖ Are you consistently comforting, kind, loving, patient, self-respecting, validating ….. toward yourself?
OR is the PP inner voice harsh, impatient & perfectionistic, while you ignore the WIC completely?

❖ Do you take as good care of yourself, each day, as you do other people & pets in your life?
OR are you only focused on others, co-dependent & people-pleasing?

❖ Do you stand up for your rights & ask for what you need – from your Adult ego state?
OR do you over-react when something doesn’t go right
OR passive-aggressively wait for someone else to figure out what you need?

❖ Do you feel comfortable in business & other social settings, because you are calm & confident?
OR are you anxious when in certain social /business settings? 
OR do you isolate & assume everyone is going to judge you? (projecting your anger out on to others)

❥ If you are more like the second half of these questions, then you’re still very angry – but suppressed – sitting on a volcano & taking it out on yourself & others (depressed, passive-aggressive ?), while pretending you’re not in a rage at all.

NEXT: Anger & Co-dependence, #1

ACoAs & Anger (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

walled up angerI WALLED UP MY ANGER –  now I’m afraid to open it up

PREVIOUS:
Anger Triggers (#3)

SITEs: “8 reasons why we’re afraid of anger” (scroll down)

ACoAs: For those of us who grew up with physical or sexual abuse, &/ or others kinds of verbal & emotional cruelty – snide remarks, making fun of, insulting, dismissing…. most of us will do anything to not be like ‘them’.
Even as kids we figured that if we could just be a good enough “good-girl or boy” we could tame the troll (us), to get the love & safety every kid craves. But no matter how hard we tried, we never succeeded in assuaging the beast (them), never feeling truly safe.

CHART  –  a shorthand way to look at the range of possibilities – from the most frightening (chaotic) to the safest kind of parenting. For most of us it wasn’t just one parent causing all the problems, but some combination of many adults we were stuck with.(“Parenting styles”)

No matter what personality we were born with, all children need stability, to have a reliable base from with to experiment, learn & risk as they explore themselves & all the newness of the world.
BUT most of us lived in chaos, which was terrifying.

Terror inevitably creates anger, & if the scary, painful, unfair, crazy-making circumstances go on for years, the child’s anger at the abuse & neglect will eventually turn into rage. Living in chaos is always harmful to children, regardless of our family’s intention. 

Re. US – ACoAs BELIEVE THAT:
• all anger is bad / dangerous & inevitably leads to violent behavior
• being angry at anyone means we are bad
• our anger can kill others, even if we don’t express it – just by feeling it – so we can never be angry at our parents, no matter how hurt by or frustrated with them we feel
• we have to protect others from our rage, no matter the cost to us
• if ‘they’ knew how angry we were they’d never love us, & then we’d die, floating alone in the cold outer reaches of black space!

AND some of us have had the experience that expressing our anger at them got us beaten, hit, old-shouldered, verbally attacked (“How dare you ___! Don’t talk to your___like that!”)….. So we shut as much of our anger off as we could, & stuffed more hurt into the POT.

Re. OTHERS – We assume anger PROTECTS us IF WE:
• are angry all or most of the time (keeps people away)
• are angry first, to preempt anger from others
• retaliate with personal attacks
• cut ‘them’ out of our life completely
OR:
• play the victim to make others feel guilty
• tell others how awful this person is (for being angry at us)
• say it’s ok if someone’s angry & then punish them when they do
• are SO good that they can never find anything about us to be angry over (we think)
• insist /demand that others never get angry at us, because we’re too delicate / can’t handle anger / it’s un-spiritual (not pleasing to God) / we don’t deserve it…

IN CONVERSATION, when someone gets angry at us, ACoAs may:
• Completely ignore both the anger & the issues, & change the subject
• Respond stoically, logically, ‘deal with it’, placate (“I understand / Oh that’s OK….)
• Immediately feel guilty, take all the blame, apologize profusely & repeatedly. Try to make up for being ‘bad’ or hurting the other person
OR
• Feel such terror that we blank out & can’t think at all (dissociate), so don’t answer, but only think of something to say when it’s too late & then hate ourselves for being stupid or a wimp
• Feel terror but try to justify our position, thinking: “I know I’m too sensitive, I’d never do what you’re accusing me of, No one else feels this way about me”
OR
• Be defensive – over-explaining (most common ACoA response to criticism, anger, insults….)
❥ That’s not what I meant, it’s just that_____
❥ No, really, I tried to ______
❥ The reason I sangry dog chasing manaid that was because____
❥ I couldn’t because _____
❥ Well, you see _____
OR
• Be defensive – throwing it back on the other:
⚡️ Why didn’t you tell me before?
⚡️ You’re just jealous, selfish….
⚡️ Well – YOU did ______ to me
⚡️ You’ve been sitting on this for how long?
⚡️ You’re just confusing the issue
⚡️ You’re not making any sense

NEXT: ACoAs & Anger, #2

Anger – Triggers (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

angry robot

TOO MANY THINGS
can go wrong every day!

PREVIOUS: Anger Triggers  #2

SITE: “Anger: Moodjuice Self-help guide”

 

MORE Anger Triggers, set off by OTHER people or circumstances
🚹 Noise • construction work, babies crying, dogs barking
🚹 Overload • when too many stressors happen at the same time, so our coping capacity is exhausted (caregivers, working mothers….)

🚹 Pet Peeves • lazy, sloppy, dirty, chaotic people or places
• violation of personal rules/ values
• social irregularities, political issues
🚹 Powerlessness
• not able to fix or change someone/ thing that hurts us (so we don’t have to leave)

🚹 Stealing • lover or mate taking $$ or other things / ID theft / break-ins / business frauds
🚹 Stupidity • rules that make no sense
• not having or not using common sense
• government incompetence or deliberate harm
• favorite sports teams losing
🚹 Unfairness
• discrimination because of age, race, religion, gender, looks….
🚹 Unreliability
• broken promises, lateness, lies, repeated cancellations
• being let down when needing someone specific (disappointments)

STUFFING triggered EMOTIONS
Life is made up of energy ebb & flow, expressed, contained or withheld.
We take in – food, love, nature, beauty, affection….
We let out – art, exercise, emotions, sex, sports, talk…
…. a cycle of building & discharging vibrations, which only stops at death

🔻 Relaxed muscles are in low energy, but also anything that’s a road block keeps us tense
🔺 High energy that’s not moving tightens the muscles. People who are very afraid – will unconsciously hold their breath, so their lungs are always over-inflated, making them sigh a lot

When energy gets either too high or too low, people get more & more anxious. Then they try to find ways to dampen it or pump it up (over-eating, compulsive sex, fighting, smoking, drinking….)

• Our society (& unhealthy families) tell us what we’re allowed to express emotionally, & to ‘control’ how much to let out. We’ve been taught to be afraid of showing anger, loneliness, fear, mourning, insecurity – even too much joy or excitement (except @ sports or concerts)….. told to “calm down” & contain emotions rather than letting them out in healthy ways.

The energy of each unexpressed emotion gets stuffed into an imaginary POT. One way to tell how full it is – is by noticing the tension in our muscles – tight jaw or shoulders, having IBS, overall stiffness….

⬅️ Al Turtle’s CHARTS start by assigning each ‘provoking’ external event as 5 units, with a corresponding emotional response of 5 units, & then going up from there: trigger 50 = response 50, 500 = 500….
He calculates that by the time we’re age 20 most of us have at least 35,000 units of backed up energy in our body, which can use up tp 20 to 80% of our calorie intake – just to keep it all inside the POT.

No wonder we’re tired – suppressing emotions takes a great deal of effort, piling up until we implode (depression) or explode (rage)

Re. Anger – usually the amount of anger felt is in proportion to the provocation (trigger), so the larger the input (stressor), the larger the output (emotional intensity).
A child will explode as much as it needs to, then it’s over, & they stops. This is normal.
But adults have learned to cut too many of their feelings off. Then we end up with a very full POT,& it doesn’t take much of an external trigger (5 to 10 units worth) to set off a very big response (100 -1,000 units)! So a little thing that would “justify” a little anger often results in a huge amount of expressed rage.

RELIEF – The ONLY thing that relieves suppressed emotional energy is venting it appropriately – as a way of ‘completing’ / ending the emotion – so it does’t hang around. Nothing else works.

Regularly emptying the POT  – a little at a time, in small doses – actually gives us more energy because we’re releasing the tremendous effort needed to hold it in.
Many of us are not aware of how hard we’re working to sit on emotions, because consistently tight muscles become numb after a while. That’s why doing emotional-release body work is so important as part of Recovery.
SITE : Polyvagal Theory, a Ladder of  Nervous States – the mammalian autonomic nervous system provides the neurophysiological substrates for adaptive behavioral strategies.

BOOK: “The Body Keeps the Score” ˜~Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. (Overview & chapter summaries)

NEXT: Anger & ACoAs,  #1

Anger – Triggers (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

many triggers I CAN ONLY COPE WITH
but so much stress!

PREVIOUS: Anger Triggers (#1)

SITE:Aggressive Driving & Road Rage
Anger Worksheets – Checklists


1. Internal (in Part 1)

2. EXTERNAL Triggers
Triggers are all the PPT that make us uncomfortable – causing emotional distress of some sort.
Anger is only one response to negative external experiences. The most common is fear, in the form of dread or anxiety. It can also be sadness, frustration, feeling abandoned…..
The defenses that have helped us survive can also cause intense painful reactions – when it seems that someone’s not respecting or valuing what makes us special

We get triggered when the brain thinks we will be or have been deprived of a positive need that’s important to us. Then we quickly rationalize & justify our anger or fear-behaviors so we don’t look so bad. (see LIST of NEEDS). Of course, when we can access the Healthy Adult voice we can catch the over-reaction, giving us time to discover if the threat is real or not.

REMINDER – While there are ‘universal’ things that annoy most of us, it’s important to figure out what our particular buttons are, so we can deal with them differently or at least better – mainly for our own benefit
(see post re. Damaged Needs)
ALSO – there are situations which legitimately SHOULD make us angry – such as physical, mental & emotional boundary violations & abuses

BUT, much of the time our anger stems from our harmful past :
• things family, school, church…. did to us when we coulSTRESS listdn’t stand up for ourselves (“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”)
• AND, our reactions are based on what we were / were not allowed, as well as watching how adults dealt with their anger, hurt, frustration….

STRESSORS predispose us to anger, & the amount of stress we’re under at a given moment determines if we ‘let fly’, & to what extent
► The following Anger Triggers come from other people or circumstance. They may not all apply to you, so focus on the ones that do, & go back to Part 1 to see what might be under your anger/rage.

🚹 Abuses = all PMES forms (“Emotional Abuse”)
🚹 ‘Bad’ parents = drunk, controlling, insensitive, manipulative, mentally ill, narcissistic, negative, unavailable, unreliable…..

🚹 Betrayal  • a cheating spouse
• anyone going behind your back to cause you problems
• someone passing on private info to others / using it against you
• ‘friends’ spreading malicious gossip
• taking credit for your ideas or work
🚹 Boundary invasions • someone going thru your stuff
• being woken prematurely (in the middle of a REM cycle)
• continual / repeated loud noises, music, neighbors
• telemarketers / tv ads / popups

🚹 Breakage / breakdowns
• equipment failure (esp. when most needed)
• tech complications or malfunctions
• destruction of a favorite or prized object/possession
🚹 Concerns
• worrying about family members (health, finances….)
• wondering what might have happened to them
• not able to help someone in trouble (powerless)
• worry about possible injury to self or a loved one / health problems

🚹 Communication problems
• being put on hold – especially for a long time
• dealing with incompetent “customer service” calls
• not heard, words twisted, ideas misunderstood or used against you
• given the wrong instruction or info (esp. when important)
🚹 Delays / Interruptions
• obstacle to reaching goals (the closer to an important goal when interrupted – the greater our anger)
• prevented from completing any ongoing task, especially if meaningful
• interference with planned fun / entertaining activities
• long lines, slow service
• waiting for something you badly want right now

🚹 Disrespected / Embarrassed / Humiliated / Shamed
• being treated as unimportant, invisible, stupid….
• not obeyed when you’re in authority (parent, boss….)
• belittled, called on the carpet…. especially in front of others
• being with someone who acts badly, as a reflection on you

Anger- red range 🚹 History • annoying or painful behavior someone repeats & repeats – even when asked many times to stop. Over time will accumulate frustration & then become anger
🚹 Lack of consideration
• often texting when with you, anywhere
• loud cell conversations in enclosed spaces
• talking at movies, concerts….
🚹 Losses • of illusions or of hope
• of a relationship, job, home, health…..
• death of a loved one, friend, pet…

CHART ↗️  : Anger colors + 8 other Emos  

⬇️ ANOTHER look at the Anger Cycle comes from Ronald Potter-Efron’s best-seller “Angry All the Time” – Normal vs Chronic anger

 

ALSO: See an expanded behavior cycle – applied to anger & other dysfunctional patterns (from “Anger management for Kids”)
NOTE: This site includes other links, which may help ACoAs teach our Wounded Inner Child how to deal with our anger.

NEXT: Anger triggers (#3)