PREVIOUS: Manipulation #3c

SITE: Response Options to a Controlling/ Manipulative Person

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

RE-CAP – Manipulation (M) is the result of :
a. legitimately powerlessness (Children, Women, Poor & homeless, the Chronically ill, Minorities….), usually in small ways

b. anyone who internally believes they have no options (Learned Helplessness of ACoAs, addicts, victims….), BUT who actually do have the capacity to empower themself – with the right help & persistent work in Recovery

c. High Achievers : then there are those who’ve clawed their way into positions of power, allowing them to be accomplished manipulators, usually on a large scale.
By definition, such people (c) should not need to manipulate – their whole life is about getting exactly what they want, BUT at any cost.
These externally powerful bosses, politicians, parents, church leaders, salespeople…. have to be one-up, using every dirty trick in the book

This tells us that the seemingly ‘lucky ones’ we may envy – also grew up in very damaging circumstances, leaving them with a great need to compensate. Hidden under many layers of intelligence, determination & deviousness, they do not feel OK ‘just as they are’, with both strengths & limitations, so they rarely let their vulnerability show, even to themself

They’ve suppressed the awareness of their basic needs (safety, unconditional love & acceptance, mirroring, help….. AND a wide range of emotions which they consciously consider as weakness.
Instead they settle for being feared, having power of others, looking good on the outside, & accumulating as much money & ‘stuff’ as they can manage.

So like the rest of us, whatever childhood needs were punished or neglected – now become the focus of their life’s activities. How those are chosen & expressed will depend on their individual native personality, combined with the social environment of their upbringing.

M. RE-FRAMED
a. In order to change the impulse to manipulate, we can start by identifying our specific ways of ‘getting over’, looking at the harm they do when used, & their long-term effects

b. Instead of simply considering Manipulation as an evil thing (bad, arrogant, narcissistic), understand it as a defensive maneuver. It’s used by the WIC trying to provide for itself what our family & community should have but didn’t.
We began using it to survive as kids, & continued it as adults, fed by toxic family messages & bad examples.

c. On the surface this character defect is made up of conscious or unconscious BEHAVIORS, but to get anywhere we need to focus on MOTIVATION, rather than just on visible actions.
Motivation is goal-oriented energy (wished, desires, dreams, hopes, & basic needs) which moves us to action, using mental focus & physical exertion to reach specific outcomes.

Motivation TYPES 
1. a. PRIMARY / basic = unlearned & common to both animals and humans (food & shelter, sex, fear, aggression, avoiding pain….), or
b. SECONDARY / learned = degree will differ from person to person (need for achievement, need for power….)

2. EXTRINSIC M.=
a. when somebody else tries to make you do something, or
b. INTRINSIC M. = when you want to do something

3. a. PULLING M. = external goals that influence how we act in order to achieve them, or
b. PUSHING M. = internal changes (emotions, beliefs, hunger, illness….) that trigger a specific desire to act

4. a. POSITIVE M. = desire & the willingness to get or achieve something good,  or
b. NEGATIVE M. = avoid undesirable or threatening situations

For all human being, our primary motivation is survival – in any way possible. And for ACoAs – the over-riding need is for SAFETY – by avoiding possible abandonment & punishment (which feels like death !)

SAFETY, BELONGING & MATTERING are essential to good brain functioning, allowing us to live well. the GREATER the FEELING of :
• safety, both emotional & physical, the more easily we can take appropriate risks
• connecting with others, the more we can feel that we belong & are in this life together
• personally mattering, that we can make a difference, & are contributing to the greater good, the greater the success in all parts of life (MORE….)
SO, since our upbringing did not provide us with these 3 fundamental needs – manipulation is the way we think we’ll be safe. Unfortunately it doesn’t work!

“Motivation: The Why’s of Behavior” (7 theories)
“Study of Motivation”(Scroll down)

NEXT: Manipulation #4b