SITE: Response Options to a Controlling/ Manipulative Person
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
RE-CAP – Manipulation (M) is the resort of :
a. the legitimately powerless (consider Children, Women, Poor & homeless, the Chronically ill, Minorities….), usually in small ways
b. anyone who internally believes themselves to have no options (the Learned Helplessness of ACoAs, addicts, victims….) BUT who actually do have the capacity to empower themselves – with the right help & persistent work in Recovery
c. AND, ironically, high achievers who’ve clawed their way into positions allowing them to be high-level manipulators, usually on a large-scale.
MOTIVATION: By definition, such people shouldn’t need to manipulate – their whole life is about getting exactly what they want, BUT at any cost.
These externally powerful bosses, politicians, parents, church leaders, salespeople…. have to be one-up, using every dirty trick in the book
This tells us that the seemingly ‘lucky ones’we envy also grew up in very damaging circumstances, leaving them with a great need to compensate. Hidden under many layers of intelligence, determination & deviousness, they do not feel OK ‘just as they are’, with both strengths & limitations, so they rarely let their vulnerability show, even to themselves
They’ve suppressed the awareness of their basic needs (safety, unconditional love & acceptance, mirroring, help….. AND having emotions!), which they consciously consider as weaknesses.
Instead they settle for being feared, having power of others, looking good on the outside, & accumulating as much money & ‘stuff’ as they can manage.
So like the rest of us, whatever childhood needs were punished or neglected – will become the focus of their life’s activities, & how those are expressed will depend on their individual native personality, combined with the social environment of their upbringing.
a. In order to change the need to manipulate, we need to start by identifying our specific ways of ‘getting over’, looking at the harm they do when used, & their long-term effects
b. Instead of simply considering Manipulation as an evil thing (bad, arrogant, narcissistic), we need to also understand it as a defensive maneuver. It’s used by the WIC in an attempt to provide for itself what our family & community should have but didn’t.
We began using it to survive as kids, & we’ve continued it as adults, fed by toxic family messages & bad examples.
c. On the surface this character defect is made up of conscious or unconscious BEHAVIORS, but to get anywhere we need to focus on MOTIVATION, rather than on visible actions.
Motivation is goal-oriented energy which moves us to action, using mental focus & physical exertion to reach specific outcomes.
1. PRIMARY / basic = unlearned & common to both animals and humans (food & shelter, sex, fear & aggression, avoidance of pain….)
or SECONDARY / learned = which can differ from person to person (need for achievement, need for power….)
2. EXTRINSIC M.= when somebody else tries to make you do something
or INTRINSIC M. = when you want to do something
3. PULLING M. = external goals that influence how we act in order to achieve them
or PUSHING M. = internal changes (emotions, beliefs, hunger, illness….) that trigger a specific desire to act
4. POSITIVE M. = having the desire and the willingness to get or achieve something good
or NEGATIVE M. = to avoid undesirable or threatening situations
As for all human being, our primary motivation is survival – in any way possible. And for ACoAs – the over-riding need is for SAFETY – by avoiding possible abandonment & punishment (which feel like the same thing!)
SAFETY, BELONGING & MATTERING are essential to good brain functioning, allowing us to live well:
• the greater the feeling of safety, both emotional & physical, the more easily we can take appropriate risks
• the greater the feeling of connection with others, the more we can feel we’re in this together & belong
• the greater the feeling that we personally matter, that we can make a difference, & are contributing to the greater good, the greater the success in all parts of life (MORE….)
SO, since our upbringing did not provide us with these 3 fundamental needs – manipulation is the way we think we’ll be safe. Unfortunately it doesn’t work!
“Motivation: The Why’s of Behavior” (7 theories)
“Study of Motivation”(Scroll down)
NEXT: Manipulation #4b