motivation

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 4a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

re-frameMPREVIOUS: Manipulation #3c

SITE: Response Options to a Controlling/ Manipulative Person

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


RE-CAP – Manipulation (M) is the result of :
a. legitimately powerlessness (Children, Women, Poor & homeless, the Chronically ill, Minorities….), usually in small ways

b. anyone who internally believes they have no options (Learned Helplessness of ACoAs, addicts, victims….), BUT who actually do have the capacity to empower themself – with the right help & persistent work in Recovery

c. High Achievers : then there are those who’ve clawed their way into positions of power, allowing them to be accomplished manipulators, usually on a large scale.
By definition, such people (c) should not need to manipulate – their whole life is about getting exactly what they want, BUT at any cost.
These externally powerful bosses, politicians, parents, church leaders, salespeople…. have to be one-up, using every dirty trick in the book

superiorityThis tells us that the seemingly ‘lucky ones’ we may envy – also grew up in very damaging circumstances, leaving them with a great need to compensate. Hidden under many layers of intelligence, determination & deviousness, they do not feel OK ‘just as they are’, with both strengths & limitations, so they rarely let their vulnerability show, even to themself

They’ve suppressed the awareness of their basic needs (safety, unconditional love & acceptance, mirroring, help….. AND a wide range of emotions which they consciously consider as weakness.
Instead they settle for being feared, having power of others, looking good on the outside, & accumulating as much money & ‘stuff’ as they can manage.

So like the rest of us, whatever childhood needs were punished or neglected – now become the focus of their life’s activities. How those are chosen & expressed will depend on their individual native personality, combined with the social environment of their upbringing.

M. RE-FRAMED
a. In order to change the impulse to manipulate, we can start by identifying our specific ways of ‘getting over’, looking at the harm they do when used, & their long-term effects

motivation ideasb. Instead of simply considering Manipulation as an evil thing (bad, arrogant, narcissistic), understand it as a defensive maneuver. It’s used by the WIC trying to provide for itself what our family & community should have but didn’t.
We began using it to survive as kids, & continued it as adults, fed by toxic family messages & bad examples.

c. On the surface this character defect is made up of conscious or unconscious BEHAVIORS, but to get anywhere we need to focus on MOTIVATION, rather than just on visible actions.
Motivation is goal-oriented energy (wished, desires, dreams, hopes, & basic needs) which moves us to action, using mental focus & physical exertion to reach specific outcomes.

Motivation TYPES 
1. a. PRIMARY / basic = unlearned & common to both animals and humans (food & shelter, sex, fear, aggression, avoiding pain….), or
 b. SECONDARY / learned = degree will differ from person to person (need for achievement, need for power….)type of motives

2. EXTRINSIC M.=
a. when somebody else tries to make you do something, or
b. INTRINSIC M. = when you want to do something

3. a. PULLING M. = external goals that influence how we act in order to achieve them, or
b. PUSHING M. = internal changes (emotions, beliefs, hunger, illness….) that trigger a specific desire to act

4. a. POSITIVE M. = desire & the willingness to get or achieve something good,  or
b. NEGATIVE M. = avoid undesirable or threatening situations

For all human being, our primary motivation is survival – in any way possible. And for ACoAs – the over-riding need is for SAFETY – by avoiding possible abandonment & punishment (which feels like death !)

belongingSAFETY, BELONGING & MATTERING are essential to good brain functioning, allowing us to live well. the GREATER the FEELING of :
• safety, both emotional & physical, the more easily we can take appropriate risks
• connecting with others, the more we can feel that we belong & are in this life together
• personally mattering, that we can make a difference, & are contributing to the greater good, the greater the success in all parts of life (MORE….)
SO, since our upbringing did not provide us with these 3 fundamental needs – manipulation is the way we think we’ll be safe. Unfortunately it doesn’t work!

“Motivation: The Why’s of Behavior” (7 theories)
“Study of Motivation”(Scroll down)

NEXT: Manipulation #4b

PURPOSE of Emotions : Motivation (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

I NEVER REALIZED –
how much my feelings make me do things

Previous: For Decisions #2

 


2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS (cont)
d. To PREDICT BEHAVIOR
e. For DECISION-MAKING

f. To MOTIVATE Actions
DEF: MOTIVATION is the driving force behind the push to achieve goals (internal & external factors that cause & direct behavior), and it’s our emotions (Es) that prepare us to take those actions.
The urge to act is hardwired to specific emotions, which are automatically built in & produce physical sensations – muscles tensed or relaxed, blood vessels dilated or contracted…. These sensations signal us either to urgently do something or stay in a comfortable state

ACTIVE : In all motivation theories, ‘goals’ are very important. One form of goal setting is expressed in a Feedback Loop concerned with how people self-regulate in pursuit of their goals. A Self-regulation System tries to keep some condition fixed, even in the face of various kinds of disturbances from outside.
D = a Reference Value, either as a goal or standard you want & an undesired state to avoid, OR where behavior is adjusted so that discrepancy between input & goal is reduced.
A = an input sensations coming in, to tell you how far you are from achieving the goal or avoiding the anti-goal.
B = an output, a behavior or motor activity to move you closer to the goal
C = a mental comparison, the conscious or unconscious appraisal of how near you are to the goal (MORE…. “Emotions & Motivation“)

AVOIDANCE: By nature we’re motivated to take specific actions in order to experience pleasant emotions & minimize the probability of feeling unpleasant ones. (7 Negative feedback loops)
EXP: As a kid in school, what made you decide to raised a hand to answer a question – or not ? It depended on which felt safer / better: the pleasure & recognition of answering it right, or avoiding the embarrassment of getting it wrong
EXP: You might participate in social activities or hobbies that provide a sense of happiness, contentment, or excitement. On the other hand, you’ll probably avoid situations that could lead to boredom, sadness, or anxiety.

RISK: Action requires risk, & the willingness to take risks is rooted in our Emotions, which are themselves based on moral convictions – those values that do move us, not those that ought to move us.
When confronted with a new experience, opportunity or danger – we wonder: Should I be courageous? withdraw? hedge my bets? What’s an appropriate risk?
To make sense of an unexpected experience we need to interpret what it means:  Is it good for us, bad for us or irrelevant?
Our values —-> generate —-> the emotions that inspire us to act.

Es for solutionsOBSTACLES: Emotions can help us overcome obstacles in our life. EXP:
• anxiety when you’re about to take a test – although uncomfortable – helps motivate you to study to do your best
• anger can motivate you to protest injustices,  & help override the fear you might feel at a demonstration or rally
• guilt may keep you sticking to a diet or finishing a work assignment.
It’s not to say that we should feel guilty, just that it’s what prompts some to follow through with a difficult project or goal

LIMITATIONS:  Es cannot fix problems – we can’t ‘anger’ something into a solution. We also need free will. Sometimes we can have a strong desire for something but never create an action-plan to go after it. Es may be a driving factor in wanting to change, but they have to be combined with a desire to act, in order to become motivation.
And once we have the motivation, there has to be actual carry-through, the signals sent to our muscles that allow us to move. However, if Es are too overwhelming, they will prevent us from taking any action at all.

NEXT: Motivation #2