Year: 2015

Enneagram HUMOR (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

school kids laughing
IT’S ALWAYS GOOD
to laugh at ourselves! 

PREVIOUS: Humor

SITEs: Type Comics 
• Ennea DOGS

BOOK: “Enneagram Pop! – Fictional Characters” Damian Hospital & Tony Vahl

Enneagram animals’ DINNER PARTY, by Elizabeth Wagele
enneaAnimals

Enneagram TYPE JOKES – gathered from the 4 corners of the earth!
GROAN ALL YOU WANT! Some are better than others!
NOTE: The ‘w’ between numbers means ‘wing’, so 6w7 is a Type 6 with some of the 7’s style. This is an additional feature – the number on either side of your Type – & is more likely to be one rather than the other – 4w3 vs. 4w5….. (Explained in other posts).

TYPE 1
❥ How many 1s does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1, because no one else can do it right!

TYPE 2
❥ How many 2s does it take to screw in a light bulb? None.
“That’s all right, I’m fine in the dark. But I’ll do it for you if you need it?”
❥ Why did NASA send a 2 into space?
Because you have to pay a dish-washer

TYPE 3
❥ What do you call a 3 who hasn’t moved in 10 minutes? Dead.
❥ How many 3s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. They hold the light bulb & the universe revolves around them
❥ How many 3s does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one 3w4 to buy the best & brightest one, and one 3w2 to screw it in & then take all the credit for brightening up the room.

TYPE 4
❥ Why do 4s dress in all black? 
Because any other color makes them look fat and they are very self-conscious about it to the point of crying for hours about how fat they are.
❥ Why did the 4 cross the road?
To write an ode to the roadkill on the other side

TYPE 5
❥ What did the male 5 say to the female 5 on their first date?
“ I had so much fun. I’d like to meet you in person.”
❥ Why did the 5 cross the road?
To retrieve the emotions she left on the other side
❥ How many 5s does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around pondering the meaning of light, & arguing whether they’re taking the right approach.

TYPE 6
❥ How many 6s does it take to change a light bulb?
5! 1 stands on the chair while the other 4 turn it
❥ Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 78(ate) 9
❥ Hey, did you hear about that Six who was afraid of the germs on her counter? She was Counter Phobic!

TYPE 7
❥ How many 7s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None… 7s don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
❥ Why are there so many 7w8s on TV?
 Because the murders they commit are big news.

TYPE 8
❥ How many 8s does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 8s aren’t afraid of the dark
❥ What did the 8 say to the 1?
“Why are we doing all the hangin’ while 9 does all the sittin’?”
(8s have the power to make someone happy… by staying single) lol

TYPE 9
❥ How many 9s does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they forget about it until someone else does it
❥ What did the 9 say to the light bulb?
Nothing, just threw it out because it wasn’t working.

NEXT: HUMOR #2

Enneagram (serious?) Humor

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

enn humorNEXT:
More humor

3 Cartoons:
• Enneagram & Life Sucks
• Enneagram at School

• Enneagram &
Leadership
 COMPLAINERS
Enneagram in BIZ  

 


Enn - school humor 1

Enn school humor 2

 

 

ennea group LEADERS

ACoAs & BLAME (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Blaming #2

REVIEW: “Satir’s BLAMER Role“

Posts on “Emotional abuse”

 

The OPPOSITE of blame is ACCOUNTABILITY – to be responsible for one’s thoughts, emotions & actions – as adults (TEA).
➼ Holding ourself or others accountable for actions is not blame. It is acknowledging what is true, rather than covering it over or denying it altogether.

• So now when we’re hurt, instead of blaming, we first need to identify the childhood abandonment button that got pushed, validate the anger & sadness, then have a safe place to express those emotions & talk about the experiences.

Using Accountability in a healthy way is :
US – taking responsibility for everything about ourself without S-H or perfectionism, accepting that it takes a lot of time/ It’s trying to do our best, while allowing for mistakes, & also making time for rest or fun. AND:
OTHERS – noticing & admitting what we observe about someone else – their beneficial or harmful personality traits, patterns, way of treating us & others – so we can figure out :
• who’s safe to be around & who’s not
• what we can & can’t expect of someone, realisticallyScreen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.05.21 PM.png
• what suits us about them & what doesn’t

• if we can benefit from a connection, need to stay at arm’s length, or it’s best to just leave
• when to call them on treating us badly, being disrespectful, careless…. or when it’s safest / smartest to drop it

• if / how we’ve gotten involved in their life when we shouldn’t have
• if we’re over-reacting to something that’s not abusive at all

This is all in the service of ‘seeing’ who others really are, instead of who we want them to be. It’s about knowing what’s neutral, what’s normal & what’s mistreatment.
Then we can take in the good stuff, pass by the neutral & gather the emotional strength to stop ignoring or white-washing the bad stuff, & have the guts to do whatever is best for ourself, no matter the fallout.

NOTE: Since ACoAs don’t trust our own judgement (T) or our feelings (E), it helps to realize that angry, narcissistic, abusive people regularly treat others badly too, so it’s not personal to us, even though we always think everything is always about us!
If we asked around – we’d find someone who also knows them, & is willing to admit: “Yes, that person really is like that / They’ve done that to me too / Everyone knows that about him/her…..”).

HOWEVER – If someone seems normally appropriate or kind to everyone else except toward us,
• we may be pushing an old button in them, accidentally ‘stepping on their toes’
Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.07.01 PM• they may be appropriately responding to our damage-behavior or poor communication style

• we may be pushing them away or into a reaction (being passive-aggressive, marginalizing, being insensitive to us….) because that’s what we’re used to doing or receiving

• they may just be having a bad day/week, OR
• we’re ignoring the red flags of their dysfunction – since people tell us about themselves all the time. So maybe they’re really aren’t as healthy as we thought

➼ ACoAs always think we need others to validate our experience, perception, opinions….To some degree we do – to get corrective mirroring.
BUT we also need to keep saying “I know what I know!” The more we acknowledge what’s really going on AND take care of ourself, the less we find reasons to blame – anyone!
SITE: Animated short & Commentary re.Blame

Self-compassion: When upset, first listen to your thoughts & check what emotions are located in the body.
Identify each disturbing situation & decide whether it can be corrected / modified / resolved…. or not.
Applying the Serenity Prayer (don’t get it backwards!), we can take responsibility for what we can do & let go of what’s not in our power to fix.

If there’s truly no positive outcome possible, we need to walk away.
If something can be changed or modified, be willing to :
• do whatever it takes to find a solution
• change strategies when something isn’t working, AND
• if on the right track, have the patience to see it thru, no matter how long it takes!
This eliminated the need for blame.

NEXT: Enneagram humor #1

ACoAS & BLAME (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

Blame the victim TO BLAME OR NOT TO BLAME
is that the right question?

PREVIOUS:
 ACoAs & Blame (#1)

SITE: Fixing Blame & Nurturing Resentments


NOTE: Emphasis is on this ‘flaw’ being used consistently

SET UP: In everyday life – outside events trigger us to respond. When we do act, we then decide if our response got us what we wanted.
Screen Shot 2015-03-17 at 4.55.44 PMNormal FLOW is always 2-way: Red light <–> Stop <–> Be safe.

BUT – what if our action didn’t produce the desired result?

BLAME – the opposite of praise.
In general : it’s assigning responsibility for having a fault, for doing something wrong, or for causing someone’s pain. Used correctly, it’s a way to hold oneself or others accountable.
ALSO: It can be making negative statements about a person or group, saying that their action/s are socially or morally irresponsible – and therefore bad.

The BLAMER’S ‘reality’ is based on over-emphasizing themself, using a one directional cause-&-effect ‘radar’ scan (the WIC ego state in charge).
The only things in life that seem to register as blips on their ego-screen are those that affect themself & their emotions – good or bad – which they use to justify unhealthy actions. (MORE….)

blame cycleBecause of this narcissistic, self-centered focus, habitual blamers either don’t notice or don’t care about the negative effect their words & actions have on others, or how they come across (arrogant, stupid, outrageous…..).
Since their view of reality feels normal & logical to them (ego-syntonic) – they don’t recognize the pattern as dysfunctional.
CHART :
• IRONY – the blamer’s unconscious core belief (“it’s not my fault!”) is based on their own S-H & shame – that they don’t deserve care / respect / help….
• Their emotion is rage at the unfairness of all their unhappy experiences. Under that is fear, loneliness, hopelessness….
• The desire (as compensation) is for everything to go their way, regardless of what’s real & possible, ignoring that others also have needs which may be different from their own

This combination (belief-emotion-desire) results in the blamer-victim’s insistence that all bad outcomes are always someone or something else’s fault. They’re dedicated to protecting the illusion that the world is against them.
It reinforces their ‘position’ —
• that they had nothing to do with things going wrong (running across the street against a red light, staying in a damaging relationship….)
• that they should not have to cope with adversity (don’t know how to self-soothe & don’t want to, anyway)
bully blaing child• that it’s NOT up to them to make things better

🚫 ACoAs who habitually use blame as a defense hold ourself & others responsible for our life problems & emotional unhappiness – everyone except our family!
It’s a way of never having to look at one’s own self-defeating beliefs & life patterns – to avoid doing the hard work of growing & changing.

• But underneath, chronic blaming is also a way of expressing ACoAs’ sense of powerlessness – convinced we’re unable (not allowed) to get our needs met.
So we rely on others to make up for & provide us with all the things our parents couldn’t or didn’t want to.
Then we can accuse people of letting us down – when they ‘don’t come thru’ – even though what we expect from them is totally unrealistic & inappropriate!
<— IMAGE: The Al-alanon handshakeAnon handshake: one finger pointed at another, BUT 3 pointing back at ourselves.

CRUCIAL : When considering this character defect, it only applies to adults, not children. Also, there’s a difference between what’s legitimately pointing out a problem or abuse, & what’s not.
Legit’ blame (assigning responsibility), is on behalf of Children :
parents & other adults ARE answerable for the pain they caused us growing up – whether they think they had a choice to do so or not (physical & emotional abusive, or abandonment because of mental illness, divorce, death…).

Not Legit’ blaming OTHER adults, or about any group :
Only the unhealthy parts of us indulge in this attitude.  Blamers look at everything that happens to them in the world thru the internal filter of their WIC (fantasy excitement or abandonment depression), but react externally as their PigP (superiority or finger-shaking).
And for the covert blamer, both filters can be well-hidden until something doesn’t work out the way they want.

NEXT: ACoAs & Blame (Part 3)

ACoAs & BLAME (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

the BLAME GAMETAKING RESPONSIBILITY
is a healthier way to live

PREVIOUS: Revenge #2

SITE: “Blame – What’s the Use?” Psych & religious

Post: “Satir’s BLAMER Role“


BLAME as a ‘social disease’ – by Carl Alasko
“Deeply embedded throughout our society is the destructive psychology of blame. We tend to view it as a necessary behavior, a way to seek justice, a synonym for accountability or responsibility. It is none of these.
In fact, blame is a four-headed beast that attacks our very spirit.

We can launch these behaviors separately or fuse them into an assault that can annihilate the intended target. Painful emotions can & do kill. Consider those who commit suicide when battered by just one of these toxic tactics – that of humiliation. Indeed, blame is so unrelentingly harmful exactly because its primary function is to injure.

• There’s also an unacknowledged psychological paradox embedded in blame that preserves its vampire-like longevity : Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.04.05 PM.pngHuman beings are hard-wired to dump their uncomfortable emotions on to others. So blame helps reduce our anxieties by externalizing our fears & stresses.

Naturally this does not excuse or condone it, since humans are also capable of learning how to accept & deal with our inner ‘demons’.

We see how political candidates temporarily surge in popularity when attacking an opponent, which reinforces the ‘value’ of the tactic. Then the opponents responds in kind, & the cycle continues. This dynamic is also at the root of bullying, whether in school or on the street. The bully’s internal anxieties are relieved by debasing another person or group. Thus blame feeds the roots of every form of bigotry, sexism and racism.”

🌀 🌀 🌀

ABUSE / cruelty : ‘Blaming the victim’ is holding someone responsible for pain they have or are suffering, especially when they did not cause it & had no way of preventing it
EXP: Born with some defect, illness, deficiency…..

Adult Blamers, in the present : the mental decision (conscious or not) to accuse someone of causing our suffering (even if accurate), WITHOUT acknowledging any possible part we may have in the source of our pain (sticking around for it, misunderstandings….)

Damaged parents often blame their children & the whole world for their own short coimages-2mings & life stressors (“Your made me hit you! If it weren’t for you I could have…..”). Then it’s only natural that as children we take on the blame. So we learned to:
• hold ourselves accountable for what was not our responsibility, AND
• not hold others accountable for their bad behavior, and/OR
• blame others for our troubles, the way our parents did

SELF-HATE is the result – incorrectly blaming ourselves when anyone hurts us, even though we have nothing to do with causing it.
ACoAs IRONY:
While easily pointing out other people’s shortcomings (as it affect us, of course), <—-> being hurt by them triggers our S-H, to deny feeling vulnerable.
Actually, we have it backwards – we blame ourselves for the source of our pain to avoid holding our parents accountable for those original wounds.

Reality : We did not deserve being blamed as kids, & we don’t deserve our S-H now, which is simply agreeing with the Perpetrators. In many alcoholic & other unhealthy families, no one recognized or took responsibility for their abusive or neglectful ways, & certainly never for their twisted thoughts & disowned emotions.

• It’s imperative for ACoAs to identify when or if someone is actually doing something harmful, neglectful, abandoning – to us or to others. If we are not sure, we can start by making a list of all the ways & times various people have hurt us or our loved ones, & look for common threads. (22 POSTs : “What just happened?” re. Noticing Painful Events)

This inventory is a sincere effort to clarity what we’ve experienced, especially when at the hands of someone who is taking out their damage on us.
The legitimate motivation for this kind of writing has to be the desire to identify & distinguish between:
• when we’re angry because of unrealistic expectations & assumptions, vs.
• breaking denial about harmful relationships we hang on to, so we can outgrow the addiction to abuse

NEXT: Blame #2

Rebellion vs COMPLIANCE (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

compliance
I HAVE TO GIVE IN or I won’t be liked!

PREVIOUS:
REBELLION vs Compliance (#1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REBELLION
1. HEALTHY (Part 1)

2. UNHEALTHY (cont)
b. Over-coerced (cont)
✶ Our reaction
THEN: For ACoAs in this group, being rebellious or resistant was an attempt to hang on to a fragile developing identity, in the face of our parents’ active, daily effort to obliterate it.
It was a desperate effort to resist ‘psychic murder’. As long as we were living with our family, this defense was a necessary & partially successful survival boundary

NOW: Many ACoAs from this background will become the overtly Rebellious type – at work, in relationships, everywhere.
In this case the rage at our abuse is obvious. It’s the WIC’s punforgicingowerlessness in childhood – being ineffectual at actually making any changes for the better.

But the reality of not originally having had an effect on the environment created a double bind :
“I can’t have an effect (for myself) and I must have an effect (on them).”
This often leads to socially unacceptable behavior, sometimes ending in trouble with a variety of authority figures.

These ACoAs are more likely to be:
• counter-phobic – acting like nothings scares us, & believing it
• oppositional – needing to say NO to almost everything we didn’t think of ourself, often saying “Yes, but…”

• in a relationships to feel powerful – being aggressive, controlling, the rescuer
• terrified of real commitment, choosing obviously ‘unavailable’ partners & friends, being promiscuous, not staying long, finding fault…..

Ultimately – being rebellious is not a successful or appropriate adaptation for most careers or relationships.
The whole world is not like our family – only the part that we’re attracted to or are able to ‘see’ – in order to continue relating to others in a familiar way – called the ‘repetition compulsion’.
(Post: REVERSE Laundry List & Recovery)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

COMPLIANCE
This is the opposite extreme defense – used also to protect oneself from psychic murder, & from ongoing mental, physical  &/or sexual abuse.

THEN: It looks like these ACoAs totally agreed with their parents & never tried to stand up for their own opinion & needs. Not doing so was imperative in many households, because to have had any individuality (like objecting to the abuse, or identifying the ‘elephant in the living room’) was so severely punished. These children had to be ‘good’ to just survive.

EXP: Think of Marvin Gaye, who as an adult finally stood up to his alcoholic father – to stop him from beating his mother. His father’s response: he murdered Marvin in his sleep!giving in

NOW: This compliance as adults may look like the passive resistance of rebellion, but there is a difference. These ACoAs :
• hide their rage under either cuteness & humor, or sullen withdrawal
• are often in a relationship with a bully &/or control freak
• look to others to tell them what to do & who to be
• may complain endlessly about being abused, but won’t risk a change
• are the ‘invisible’ ones around us, fading into the background
• have a greater tendency to severe depression, physical illness & suicide attempts than other types
• some can be pushed to the wall & then explode, but rarely

EXP: One compliant woman stayed married to a controlling bully for over 30 yrs. Everyone, including her kids, told her to leave but she never would. When he husband finally died, her friends thought: “Finally, she’s free. She can have a life of her own for the first time.” Wrong. She died within a year of being widowed!

• On the surface, this defensive style may result in lessening friction in the world, BUT is not respected by most people AND will cause the compliant person to slowly die inside. (Posts:“Secretly Angry NICE optistic?People“

RECOVERY
• It’s important to remember that these are DEFENSES, not our real personality, no matter how much it feels like it!

✶ BOTH styles are being run by the WIC in reaction – first to the original family – & now to the internalized Negative Introject.

✶✶ But much healing can be achieved to counter these defenses, with love, patience & the right kind of info.
(Posts: “My Rights // S& I – Healthy individuation“)

NEXT: ACoAs & BLAME #1

REBELLION vs Compliance (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

 YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! (OR)
I’ll do whatever you want, so you won’t leave me

PREVIOUS: Wanting Revenge #2


REBELLION
1. HEALTHY
• This is normal for the teen years, when you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you want to do ‘when you grow up’, so you’re not a carbon copy of your parents (yuck), wanting to be part of your peer group….

• In a reasonably healthy family you’re given a certain amount of leeway in this, to grow & stretch. Healthy parents are not threatened by this stage – even if it makes them uncomfortable & a little nuts. They know you’re a separate person & will find out for yourself
• It does not mean they neglect you, ignore what you’re doing or just can’t be bothered. It means they’re watching & waiting, and caring, not overly imposing themselves – but also not OK letting you get into trouble!Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.16.58 AM

• When you’re allowed to be different from your folks, can disagree with their politics, religion, philosophy of life, or just plain – what to wear – eventually you get to find out what you really like & don’t like, who the real you is!

• Kids with this kind of freedom eventually (usually by their 20’s) find they do in fact agree with much of what they grew up with – the values, tastes, lifestyle… even if expressed in their own personal way.
AND ways they are different from family is accepted & maybe even admired – or at least respected.

2. UNHEALTHY
However – if you’re reading this, you probably didn’t grow up in that kind of family!  As ACoAs:
a. Neglected : if we were ignored, unguided, un-nurtured – we would, of course, be left with a lot of anger, sadness, loneliness & a deep sense of hopelessness. As kids, we would Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.16.16 AMconclude that we didn’t matter, were invisible, had no reason to do anything for ourselves, & are incompetent anyway.

• Maybe a relative, a neighbor or teacher took an interest in us & helped some – but it’s not the same as having our parents explain things, show us by example & help us try out things. Everything from personal hygiene, cooking, house repairs, arts & recreation, social skills – to homework, relationships, spiritual practice….

✶ Our Reaction
THEN: We spent a lot of time alone, daydreaming, hiding out, reading, studying, maybe hanging out in the library, with a friend – but not likely.
NOW: ACoAs in this group don’t accomplish as much as they could, have trouble pursue dreams, goals, talents, interests … in spite of being just as talented, intelligent & capable as any other human being.
After all, if our parents couldn’t be bothered to teach us how to do all the things kids need to know, so how can we possibly manage anything ourself ? !

• This may not seem like rebellion – but it is.  It’s passive resistance: “If they didn’t take care of me, I’m not going to take care of me!”.  True, there’s fear, a deep sense of not knowing how, but the refusal to try comes from rage, which underpins the passivity.

Even so, some of us were told that they love us – even though they rarely or never acted like it. In stead, WE are the ones who love them – desperately, no matter how cruel & neglectful. We’re the ones who don’t want to let go!

b. Over-Coerced : At the other extreme, many of us were bullied, over-controlled, Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.15.41 AMmanipulated – forced to do & be whatever one or both parents (& other caretakers) wanted, with little or no regard to our individual personality.

• As kids we were considered ‘tabula raza’ – that’s Latin for blank slate. Parents of the baby boomer generation (& before) were taught that children come into this world with no identity or personality OR that they’re born bad, & it’s up to the parents to form them according the what’s ‘right’ – to write on the slate as they wished.

• Alcoholic & other narcissistic parents, who by definition had low self-esteem & fear of abandonment (FoA) themselves, could not tolerate any sign of individuality in their children, ⚡️which they stubbornly assumed to be disobedience, deliberate disrespect, even perversion!
☀️Such parents / family ruthlessly suppressed the reality that every child is born with their own specific personality type, & genetic makeup (even twins) which needs to be acknowledged & nurtured.

NEXT: Rebellion vs COMPLIANCE (Part 2)

ACoAs WANTING REVENGE (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: ACoAs Wanting Revenge (Part 1)1. AS CHILDREN

SITE: Psychology of Revenge & Deterrence


1. AS CHILDREN (Part 1)

2. IN THE PRESENT we believe that:
a. we have no option other than to re-play the victim role (wondering how we got into ‘this mess’), and ….
b. …. since we believe we’ll always be taken advantage of, we insist the other person change (not us!) so they’ll stop hurting us, and so we don’t have to leave them
c. If they won’t change but we’re ‘not allowed’ to leave, some of us become physically violent ….. the WIC being convinced that we have a right (& obligation) to be revenged on people who hurt us, whatever the consequences

WE ACT on these beliefs (consciously or not)
🔹 Internally, with :
• obsessive hatred, which can cause us physical problems, and also generally, being shunned by others because the rage is palpable
• fantasies & dreams of punishment, torture, murder
• a wish for bad things to happen to others, getting off on imagining their suffering
🔸 Externally:
• drop a friend or lover for minor infractions of our rules (usually unspoken & unexplained)
• bad-mouth people we know, be judgmental, put everyone down
• slander, gossip, hate mail, lawsuits
• cause drama, trouble or fights wherever we are….

SYSTEMIC
▪️Domestic & child abuse = ONE MOTIVE
An indirect but often unconscious way to punish their own FoO (family of origin), by taking their rage out on a powerless mate, & their own children – to different degrees – or toward one particular child designated as scapegoat

▪️Elder abuse = a direct way that an adult-child expresses rage – especially if they have to take care of an aging / ill / helpless parent who abused & neglected them when they were little

▪️’Revenge Porn’ – digital distribution of nude or sexually explicit images of a person without their consent – used as retaliation or blackmail by a current or former partner  (More….)

REALITY
• REVENGE gives us a false sense of power, & being false, is NEVER satisfying. It doesn’t make the pain go away, so we keep wanting more
• In spite of our desire for revenge , the WIC still believes our parents were right to abuse & neglect us because we deserved it, just for being ourselves. Otherwise – WHY would they have done it ??!!

• This creates rage at them – but we’re afraid to feel it.
IMP: the DESIRE for REVENGE is equal to the type, amount & long-term duration of the original ABUSE we suffered
Because this is so terrifying to contemplate, the intensity of our fantasies turns into the intensity of our self-hate & powerlessness over past &/ or present trauma.

OUR DILEMMA
No matter how good we think it will feel, NO amount of revenge will:
• ever sooth our pain or comfort us
• satisfy our rage, to make it go away
• make them suffer in equal amount (as in Elder Abuse)
& DOES NOT
• give us self-esteem or S & I (Separation & Individuation)
• make us feel genuinely empowered
• stop us acting out the Victim Role, even though we don’t actually have to deprive ourself anymore
We’re still a Victim by staying emotionally attached to family via the Toxic Rules, since becoming a ‘Perpetrator’ is simple turning ourself into them!

TRUE POWER comes from :
• having our original trauma validated by other abuse survivors, skilled professionals, & possibly by someone in our family willing to acknowledge what happened to them too, or what they witnessed

• understanding & accepting we did NOT cause the abuse (bad things done to us or around us) & neglect (good things not provided)

• learning skills to actively treat ourself better – being kind, patient & LOVING
• activating boundaries, so we can stop others from hurting us now
• surrounding ourselves with healthy, positive people – in all areas of our life.

RESEARCH  & Results
• One Science study : “…. the decision to be revenged caused a rush of neural activity in the caudate nucleus, a brain area known to process rewards (also lit up with cocaine & nicotine use) ”

• BUT Another stated : “….. the actual execution of revenge carries a bitter cost of time, emotional & physical energy – even lives”
• AND at Ohio State U : “…. we found higher levels of aggression in people who had supposedly vented their anger than in those who had done nothing at all “(MORE….)

🥰 LIVING WELL is the BEST REVENGE !

NEXT: Rebellion vs Compliance #1

ACoAs WANTING REVENGE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

little devilsMAKE THEM SUFFER !
The same way they made me suffer!

Post: ANGER CATEGORY #12 – Retaliatory

POSTS: Parents Blaming Us / ‘Shame’ / ‘Guilt’


DEF: REVENGE, Vengeance, Retribution, – injury inflicted as punishment in return for abuse received
• To plot revenge – the bitter desire / obsession / plannimg to injure another for a wrong done to oneself, a loved one or others like oneself
• To avenge – actually exact satisfaction for a sense of injury, following a wrong received. Any form of personal action against an individual, institution, or group for some perceived harm or injustice.

1. AS CHILDREN
😡 Many of us hated one or more parents for their neglect & cruelty – but that was to-o-o dangerous to admit! We wished they were dead or that we were.
BOOK: “So the Witch Won’t Eat Me” by Dorothy Bloch (NY psychoanalyst) gives an excellent explanation in her intro.

a. External CAUSES
Growing up, our parents & other adults:
• neglected, attacked & humiliated us, assumed the worst of us… blamed us unfairly for everything
• AND didn’t allow us to defend ourself, never bothered to ask for our point of view or experience, didn’t believe us, weren’t on our side nor defended us

b. Internal – As children WE:
• are vulnerable to & at the mercy of our caregivers
• think in B & W, simple cause & effect, so a believe in JUSTICE – that the world SHOULD be fair
• AND, assume we’re the center of everything, therefore everything that happens to us is about us (good or bad)!
SO
It makes sense to a kid’s mind that, when our parents hurt us —
• they were justified in what they were doing to or not doing for – us
• somehow we caused it, even if we couldn’t figure out what we did wrong
• we deserved whatever was dished out: “The gods punish us for our own good (a lesson) & because we deserve it (being bad)!”
BUT
• we were in constant, intense pain.  Even though we had no choice but to accept blame, still – we wanted it to STOP! Of course.
• no one else seemed to notice or care – no one helped (maybe someone did try, but it didn’t work out & we stayed trapped)
• we couldn’t get any justice from them (they didn’t care how their abuse effected us)
• they got away with it – were never held accountable! UNFAIR
AND
• we tried & tried – to figure it out, to change ourselves and get them to change, to protect ourself & others in the family
• but nothing got better, so we got more & more frustrated and hopeless
• failing to MAKE adults stop hurting us, our sense of danger never left

• whivoodooch led to getting angrier & angrier. Being powerless in an unsafe family, especially one that was actually life-threatening – will always generate RAGE
• and after all – fair is fair – eventually we began to have fantasies of REVENGE, to even the score, so the world would be in balance again.

Without help, comfort or a way of escape, we had to suppress the pain as best we could, but our fantasies scared us.
We could’t attack our parents directly, because —
– we were too dependent on them
– they had some positive qualities we used so as to deny the bad ones
– it wasn’t safe to rebel outright (severely punished if we did try)

We needed to deny our fury at them. We weren’t big or strong enough to punish ‘those mean, stupid adults’ the way they deserved, so we did the next ‘best’ thing :
• Masochism, Revenge in REVERSE – some took it out on ourself (self-mutilation, fantasies of being hurt/ tortured, tried suicide either directly or by dangerous activities….) as a way to punish our abandoners

• Sadism – directly abusing others : As kids, some of us hurt smaller, younger, weaker things, such as:
— an older child hitting, hurting or even killing a new child in the family
— physically torturing birds, cats….
— stealing, hiding or breaking other’s toys & possessions
— bullying (at home, neighbor kids, at school, later – on line….)
— making fun of someone’s disability…

NEXT: Wanting Revenge #2

PARENTS BLAMING US (Part 2) 

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: Parents blaming Us #1

 

1. IN OUR CHILDHOOD (cont)
❎ Damaged parents BLAMED YOU for… Points a – h (Part 1)

✅ SOURCES of Parental Blame
a. Projected their own frustration & inadequacy on to us. Pushing away intense S-H & shame created their need to BLAME someone or something else for their own fears & lacks

b. Copied what was done to them – without any self-awareness of what motivated them, never considered the effect on us, and never questioned if their reactions made sense nor if it fit the situation

c. One or both parents did not actually want the burden of having a child, much less several – they didn’t plan on, were emotionally immature, financially strapped, active addicts, in a bad marriage or married too young to cope

d. Perfectionism – expressed as neglect. With a lack of good parenting role models themselves, unhealthy parents couldn’t tolerate the thought of doing it ‘wrong’. They forced us to take care of ourself, not having the courage to grow up & learn how to do it better rather than ideally

e. Constantly reacted badly to normal child behaviors which triggered their own old pain (their denied & still unresolved traumas)

f. One parent didn’t like a particular child, because they are too different from the parent, OR too alike, so child’s personality irritated or rubbed the parent the wrong way…

g. Another way to take the focus off themselves. Making us responsible for their unhappiness allowed them to keep their denial in tact, perpetuating the their alcoholism & narcissism

h. Parental Narcissism – saw us as an extension of themselves, rather than as separate individuals, & their need for us to be perfect – to keep up the illusion of their personal & family OK-ness. (“Fragile Narcissism“)

EXP: Parental BLAME = VERBAL ABUSE
“You’ll be the death of me yet” // “Why did I have to have a kid like you?”
“I never wanted kids anyway” // “If it weren’t for you I’d have a good life”
“It’s your fault that you —>father left / I drink / we don’t have any money… ”

💧Younger children are too vulnerable & dependent to fight back, stand up for themselves or even understand exactly what’s being done to them – only that it HURTS!
And when they’re old enough to try – if they dare speak up – they’re punished without mercy!

2. IN THE PRESENT
Now when others blame us (like at home) :
a. we believe the accusation (boss, parent, lover, friend…), because it agrees with our Negative Introjectblamed

b. we take on that blame, feeding self-hate – so we feel terrible, & try to ‘be/do better’
REALITY: we may not have been at fault in the first place, and anyway – one can never win when dealing with a blamer!

c. we continue to choose (unconsciously) those types as friends, lovers, bosses… who already have the habit of blaming others – TO:
• keep us attached to our family, from a sense of loyalty, love AND denial
• validate the blamers : after all, if our family told us over & over that we’re a mess AND all these others tell us that too – then it must be true !

🌀 THAT WAY we never have to hold our parents responsible for their verbal & emotional abuse. It feels ‘safer’ to keep accusing ourselves, even though it’s self-destructive! (Post : “They did the BEST they could” #2, b, ii.)

RECOVERY
Survive —> Heal —> Thrive ! Gradually outgrow :
◆ our own S-H & self-sabotaging behaviors (we do to prove them “right”)
◆ our addiction to the toxic family rules & CDs
◆ the WIC’s narcissistic conviction that it’s all about us
◆ our demand, compulsion, desperation to get THEM to see & validate us

🧠 THINK! We’ve learned a lot since we were kids. Is what they’re accusing you of actually who you are / what you’ve done?
REMEMBER: “I know what I know and I can’t know everything!”

🎯BECOME really good at something you enjoy & are good at, so you get the respect & admiration of others who are capable of appreciating you. Use that to help you stay away from the blamers.

NEXT: ACoAs wanting Revenge #1