I’M NOT CONTROLLING –
I just like things done right!

PREVIOUS: Acting Controlling (#2)

 

 

REASONS for Controlling:
• Angry – to express rage at our family – who we can’t get back at directly – for not loving us unconditionally
• Needy – as adults, when we’re especially lonely, scared, vulnerable or desperate
• Terrified – the anxiety & panic is so intense that our only goal is trying to force everything everyone to become as safe as possible

CONTROL FREAKS
Re. THEM
• Controllers (Cs) are not just opinionated – they always have to be right, not willing to accept or tolerate differences or disagreements between themself & others
• Cs are more likely to be moody (up & down), emotionally unpredictable. Because they’re unhappy with their own life they think C others will improve their experience

• Cs use fear to keep others attached, because of their own FoA (very scared people don’t want to venture out on their own).
• Cs tend not to be friends with anyone more attractive, well-liked or intelligent, likely jealous & critical of popular, successful people

• Cs may or may not have close friends. If they do :
— it’s usually with the needy, easily bullied, with poor self-esteem & weak boundaries, who they can keep others under their thumb by focusing on negatives in the other’ Victim part
— OR they attach to someone ‘powerful’ they can feed off of
— OR treat ‘outsiders’ better than their own family, to be considered ‘wonderful‘ by anyone who didn’t grow up with them

• Cs can sense when they’re losing control, which can trigger psycho-somatic ailments (headaches, back or stomach pains, fainting, hives….). They can re-gaining control of a situation or relationship by getting attention, sympathy & concern from others

NOTE: Cs are very manipulative, playing head games to hide this character defect.
They can’t stand it when anyone stands up to them.  It’s imperative to their unhealthy ego to stay one-up. The stronger & clearer you are, the harder Cs will work to tear you down. OR dump you
✶ This is particularly true of severely narcissistic parents who will make every effort to destroy a strong-minded child so that he/she can not expose or defy the controllers.

EXP: They DENY doing any harm, while accusing us of causing someone else’s bad behavior which hurt us (being cheated on, yelled at, fired ….): “What did you do?”
Re. YOU
•  Cs play on your empathy to gain trust early in a friendship, like telling you what a hard life they’ve had – in great detail, AND saying they can only trust telling you, because you’re different, special!

•  Cs attempt to define your reality – telling you what you like & want – or not – according to their tastes
EXP: You can say you need to be alone but they insist on taking up your time… you save something & they throw it away, saying ‘you don’t need that or it’s not important!’….

• Cs remember all the sensitive info we give them about ourself. They’ll seem sincere & caring at first, then bring it up & use it to subtly belittle you, until you agree with them :
“Are you still crying about that? It was just a cat / a long time ago / not such a big deal…Right?”

•  Cs often assume they understand how you think & feel, and are not shy about telling you, BUT really don’t!
EXP: “Your unfriendliness is bringing everyone down” when actually you’re withdrawn because of feeling deep pain, shyness, confusion….!
OR they get frustrated & abusive when you don’t act the same way they are: “Do that in the morning when you’re fresh”- a morning-person mother said to her night-person teen
• Cs can also use excessive generosity to feel important, & make you feel indebted to them, so you’ll feel guilty if you don’t reciprocate or don’t something they want!
Controllers:
• are often late, but always prepared with what seems like a legitimate excuse – so you can’t object
• are unwilling to respect any boundaries
• get frustrated & annoyed with normal questions
• make you wait for them – to respond, for decisions, to fulfill plans or promises….
• regularly expect you to change plans to suit their schedule
• rarely give sincere compliments – so you won’t feel good about yourself or take attention away from them
• will cause trouble between you & your family or friends

NEXT: Letting go of Controlling (#1)