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they’re not who I thought they were!

PREVIOUS: How ACoAs abandon others (3b)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

• sets up the idealized person or event to fail, because no one / no situation can fulfill our unrealistic expectations to be perfect, to make up for all our losses, to be all the things our WIC never got at home & which are still missing in our life.
• This guarantees that we’ll be disappointed, sooner or later.
Basically we’re asking them to rescue us. It’s a way of using others. We ask too much of a person or situation, which nothing can possibly live up to, even if it’s healthy!

This topic is about how we diminish others.  All ACoAs in this category are very angry, some express it by being passive-aggressive, by perpetual crankiness, or by endless whining. 
When we feel let down by our fantasy of a person – (boss, teacher, lover, friend…), or situation (marriage, job, home, party, holiday…), we flip to the opposite extreme.
This defense
often kicks in with someone/ thing new, but not exclusively. It’s about wanting to be taken care of instead of taking care of ourselves – while not having to ask!

HARSH reactions to over-valuing (idealizing ⬆️) as a ‘life-style’ – finding fault (F.F.) with every situation we don’t like, all the time.
a. Endless complaining (F.F.) can be a sure sign of narcissism (N), & comes from our needy WIC or PP, since we manage to make everything about us – somehow. Keep in mind that all wounded people have some N. in varying degrees, so do not use it for more S-H. Instead. Work on healing it

Constant complaining is part of the Victim Role, taking everything personally, assuming anything we don’t like is the ‘universe’ being against US. We ignore that there are many other reasons for things being as they are, so we discount other possibilities.

We’re always judging the ‘other’ as bad, because:
• everyone & everything always lets us down, causes us trouble, is never there for us the way we want – so f-them!
• it doesn’t fit some rigid notions of correctness from our PP, even though the original parents never lived up to those standards
• we see everyone as exactly like our family, so they must be equally bad, which scares the WIC
EXP: “I can’t stand that / it’s not good enough” means I know better, can do better….
• “They’re so stupid” means I’m superior to all you little people, and if I were doing it / running things, I would handle it much better….
• “How can they do that to me, no one ever listens to me….” means they’re not doing the job I want them to – of being the good parent

b. Projecting our S-H onto the ‘world’. If I hate myself, I’m sure everyone else does too – or will, if I give them a chance! Just like a liar or thief believes everyone else is a liar or thief, even if it’s just in their heart. So ‘I’ll hate all of you first, that way I don’t care if you hate me – I won’t get hurt anymore!’  Better to keep everyone at arm’s length than to be vulnerable.

: everything we think & feel is ONLY from our point of view (we assume no one else’s is valid) – other people’s needs don’t count, we don’t consider their limitation & don’t really want them to have boundaries, so we can be symbiotic.Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.39.42 PM.png

At the same time, because we’re emotionally starving, our focus is completely outside of ourselves, dependent on ‘people, places & things’ (PPT) as the source of our nourishment & for our sense of identity. They are objects, not beings. If they don’t act the way we want, we feel justified in raging at them.

(POST: People should treat me better, but I won’t let them”).

NEXT: ACoAs abandoning others #4b


 mean teacher

(since I never would!)

PREVIOUS: Abandonment Pain Now #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

1. Symbiosing, 2. Controlling, 3. Ignoring, 4. Copying, 5. Repressing other’s Emotions, 6. Idealizing, 7. Undervaluing

ACoAs are usually focused on how much we got abandoned, without realizing we’re just as prone to do that to others.
Not surprising, since everyone copies what they learned in childhood. We treat ourselves & others the way we were treated & the way we saw adults treat each other.
➼ Each style derives from a combination of :
• The original role models (parent, siblings & other relatives, teachers…..
• Our own native personality, forming the type of defenses we choose.
BTW – even tho’ we can’t technically abandon another adult, the term is being used here to express ‘not being there’ for someone else

CAUSE : Many ACoAs raised by controlling narcissists were trapped in the state of ‘one-ness’ with one or both parents. We may have felt safe & loved at first, but slowly were engulfed by the needs & demands of unhealthy adults.
As we grew & began developing our own personality, we were slapped down, cut off or rejected outright.
The only option we had was to stay enmeshed, without the chance of developing ourselves fully.

RESULT: As adults we look for anyone we can mesh with, to prevent a terrifying sense of aloneness & abandonment carried over from childhood. Trying to connect with others this way is actually a form of abandoning them, because we’re not connecting with them for who THEY are, only for what our needy WIC wants them to be – for us. (“Symbiosis“)

• Putting severe limits on what someone can & cannot do when they’re with us (what they wear, where they sit, how they talk, what emotions are OK…)
• Constantly telling someone how they should live their life or how they should be doing something (whether they asked or not)

NOTE: This is not the same as asserting appropriate boundaries regarding what works for you or what you don’t want to be around
• ALL controlling behavior represents our disowned fear accumulated from childhood on into the present
• Trying to micro-manage everything & everyone around us so we don’t have to feel hiding the messvulnerable, as in our unsafe & chaotic family, & later in bad jobs or bad relationships

• A defense mechanism designed to make us feel powerful & the world be more predictable, by hiding our inner mess, trying to make everything exactly the way we want – SAFE.
As long as we refuse to or can’t deal with the underlying cause of this compulsion (& being controlling IS compulsive, fueled by intense anxiety) we won’t be able to stop

Regardless of the underlying reasons, this pattern is:
arrogant. We’re convinced we know better than everyone else, about everything,  AND have the right to make others do / be what we want
disrespectful to others!  We’re implying, consciously or not, that we don’t care about the effect our controlling has on the other person – we trample on their needs &/or wishes, because only our needs matter!
If we did care, we’d think twice about continuing.
insulting. We believe they are too incompetent, weak & stupid to make their own choices or figure things out for themselves

✶ Of course, trying to be in control of others instead of ourselves – never works. Not only does it not alleviate our underlying terror, but makes others withdraw or be resentful & angry at us – so us feel even more unsafe & alone

HEALTHY Separation & IndividuationScreen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.34.14 PM 
• Acknowledge that each person has their own way of doing things & the right to make their own mistakes. We are NOT their Higher Power!

• ASK, ASK, ASK: what someone wants, what they need, how they feel, what works for them, what their taste is….
We do not have to supply any of it IF we can’t, don’t want to or it’s not appropriate. Just keep in mind that others are separate from us, & that’s not bad – their differences do not negate who we are!
• Be willing to deal with our own damage, our accumulated pain & toxic patterns

NEXT: ACoAs Abandoning others (#1b)