I FEEL SO BETRAYED —
they’re not who I thought they were!
PREVIOUS: How ACoAs abandon others (3b)
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
REVIEW – Idealizing inevitably:
• sets up the idealized person or event to fail, because no one / no situation can fulfill our unrealistic expectations to be perfect, to make up for all our losses, to be all the things our WIC never got at home & which are still missing in our life.
• This guarantees that we’ll be disappointed, sooner or later.
Basically we’re asking them to rescue us. It’s a way of using others. We ask too much of a person or situation, which nothing can possibly live up to, even if it’s healthy!
This topic is about how we diminish others. All ACoAs in this category are very angry, some express it by being passive-aggressive, by perpetual crankiness, or by endless whining.
When we feel let down by our fantasy of a person – (boss, teacher, lover, friend…), or situation (marriage, job, home, party, holiday…), we flip to the opposite extreme.
This defense often kicks in with someone/ thing new, but not exclusively. It’s about wanting to be taken care of instead of taking care of ourselves – while not having to ask!
HARSH reactions to over-valuing (idealizing ⬆️) as a ‘life-style’ – finding fault (F.F.) with every situation we don’t like, all the time.
a. Endless complaining (F.F.) can be a sure sign of narcissism (N), & comes from our needy WIC or PP, since we manage to make everything about us – somehow. Keep in mind that all wounded people have some N. in varying degrees, so do not use it for more S-H. Instead. Work on healing it
Constant complaining is part of the Victim Role, taking everything personally, assuming anything we don’t like is the ‘universe’ being against US. We ignore that there are many other reasons for things being as they are, so we discount other possibilities.
We’re always judging the ‘other’ as bad, because:
• everyone & everything always lets us down, causes us trouble, is never there for us the way we want – so f-them!
• it doesn’t fit some rigid notions of correctness from our PP, even though the original parents never lived up to those standards
• we see everyone as exactly like our family, so they must be equally bad, which scares the WIC
EXP: “I can’t stand that / it’s not good enough” means I know better, can do better….
• “They’re so stupid” means I’m superior to all you little people, and if I were doing it / running things, I would handle it much better….
• “How can they do that to me, no one ever listens to me….” means they’re not doing the job I want them to – of being the good parent
b. Projecting our S-H onto the ‘world’. If I hate myself, I’m sure everyone else does too – or will, if I give them a chance! Just like a liar or thief believes everyone else is a liar or thief, even if it’s just in their heart. So ‘I’ll hate all of you first, that way I don’t care if you hate me – I won’t get hurt anymore!’ Better to keep everyone at arm’s length than to be vulnerable.
ACoA IRONY: everything we think & feel is ONLY from our point of view (we assume no one else’s is valid) – other people’s needs don’t count, we don’t consider their limitation & don’t really want them to have boundaries, so we can be symbiotic.
At the same time, because we’re emotionally starving, our focus is completely outside of ourselves, dependent on ‘people, places & things’ (PPT) as the source of our nourishment & for our sense of identity. They are objects, not beings. If they don’t act the way we want, we feel justified in raging at them.
NEXT: ACoAs abandoning others #4b