acoa recovery

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

floral 2 

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – Emotions

REVIEW: Events + Emotions

 

 

3. REALISTIC THINKING Circle
✶ ACoAs need to feel safe before we can feel loved!
Is your breathing shallow? Our terror is so deep & long-standing that we can barely breathe, but don’t realize it. “Clarity (knowledge) is Power” say the coaching gurus. Mental health includes being able to think accurately, without lots of complication. It’s one of the ‘secrets’ to feeling safer & more empowered, which eliminates drama

To accomplish that, we need to know (Ts) what:
• specific Toxic Rules we’re still obeying
• cruel, scary & untrue things we say to ourselves (S-H & PP)
• Cognitive Distortions (CDs) they represent, and –
• the corrections for those CDs

RECOVERY – It’s important to keep our side of the street clean in dealing with the world.
Minimizing S-H & shame makes it easier to take responsibility for our T.E.A.s (thoughts, emotions & actions), & to remember that most of what happens to us or around us is NOT about us!

Healthy ways to THINK about an upsetting event
a.  NO mind-reading
Re. people we know well, we can probably figure out what made them say or do something hurtful or irresponsible
Re. everyone else – we simply have no way of knowing. AND – even if we do know why, we won’t get validated, since most people don’t know what motivates them
Regardless, it’s not respectful to get inside other people’s heads, just like we shouldn’t let anyone live rent free in ours! 😾
✓ “I know how I FEEL, but can’t presume to know why others say / do something”

b. Self-Check
Using the questionnaire from “What Just Happened” , we can identify any part we may have played – without guilt, shame or S-H.  If our side is legitimately clean, we’ll feel relief
✓ “I’m willing to double-check myself – did I contribute in some way to this incident?  If yes, I’m willing to work on it. If not, I can ‘let go’”

c. Ask, Ask, Ask!ASK
We were taught to never ask others about themselves nor ask for information or help.  This may have been appropriate when we were kids, who can be bothersome to some adults, & often say embarrassing things.
But mainly it was because dysfunctional families don’t know how to communicate properly & didn’t teach us boundaries.  Asking eliminates mind-reading.
✓ “I have a right to ask what they meant by what was said, or why they did xyz.”

d. Corrections
• Us – with self-esteem we’re not afraid to own our own baggage, not ashamed of having needs. We know we can’t be perfect, so don’t expect it of ourselves.
✓ “If I contributed to a problem, I’m willing to talk it out & make any amends, or correct any misunderstanding”

• Them – Recovery teaches us not to tolerate or excuse bad behavior from anyone! WE set boundaries & make it clear how we want to be treated.  Self-respect allows us to walk with dignity, which others will sense right away. We’re not better than others, just equal as human beings
✓ “If someone crossed my boundaries, said something mean or did something disrespectful / inappropriate… I can stand up for myself by letting them know it’s unacceptable, & how I want to be treated in the future”

e. Acceptance is ‘acknowledging what is’ – no more, no less.
Healthy Thinking eliminates drama, endless obsessions & convoluted plans. We accept that there are people & situations we have little or no control over, especially like trying to get needs met from anyone who is emotionally unhealed
✓ “If I know the person well enough to know that no amount of explanation or discussion about their behavior will ever get thru to them, I won’t even try!”Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.44.18 PM

f. Letting Go
Trying to convince someone with a closed mind of our point of view is humiliating – we just make fools of ourselves. 12-Step Programs say: “Let go with love”.
If we can’t do it that way, then let go with – anger, indifference, frustration – but let go!
This means NOT continuing to want, expect & demand the impossible of others
✓ “If I’ve done all I can or want to – to deal with a situation – then I’m willing to stop thinking about it.  It’s done.”

NEXT: Positive Responses (#4) – Actions

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

flowers 2 

 

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events

REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart

POSTS : EMOTIONS – To Motivate


2. EMOTIONS Square
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built in to our brain (the limbic system).  It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying & feeling what (Ts & Es) – we can respond to internal cues more accurately

a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• These emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – abandonment terror, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, rage, self-hate, even feeling suicidal – all based on actual experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents

b. From the Negative Introject
It includes all the dysfunction from their background, & their feelings towards us, including:
desperation, disgust, fear of abandonment, indifference, impatience, neediness  ……  emotions we absorbed & continue to carry – until they’re cleaned out.  We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements

EXPs:
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”

• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I’m sad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now give it back to you. I have enough of my own to Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.34.34 PM.pngheal!”

c. From the Healthy Child  
• Our Natural Self, whether Introvert or Extrovert, is a combination of – amusement, amazement, anger, curiosity,  excitement, disappointment, love, joy, shyness, trust … and  envy, fear, greed, need, naiveté, selfishness, stubbornness ….  (PAC characteristics)

d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice) : love, consistency, patience, persistence, sense of humor, tolerance, faith….. needed for positive self-care

NOTE : the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
ACCEPTANCE

i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us speaks about who they are.
😻 Getting this truth into our cells is a core imperative !!! a requirement for peace of mind!  ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise
ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (Serenity Prayer –  backwards). We can’t make others do or be what we want, only continue working on ourself
iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others.  Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish!

Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.35.19 PMOTHER PEOPLE — Their reactions to our behavior can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
a. about Them:
• we accidentally bump against a long-standing emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
• we inadvertently remind them of someone in their own damaged past
• we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations

b. about Us:
• when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
• we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
• we consistently expect too much of others, including healthy ones
• we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damageScreen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.38.02 PM

🔸 The things WE ARE responsible for can be worked on in Recovery, especially things we do / say that hurt others.
To heal we have to own it all, objectively, without self-hate, & be willing to make changes.
Reasons that others may legitimately be uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, neediness, unavailability…) will lessen as we develop our ‘UNIT’ & progressively interact with others in new ways.

NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Anger)

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daggers 

THAT SO-&-SO!
one way or another, I’m gonna get ‘im

PREVIOUS: ACTIONS – Fearful

 

3. ACTIONS (cont)
a. Fearful reactions

b. ANGRY reactions to painful events
💥 Attack / Revenge (sue, fight, yell…)
This is the most obvious & direct. The need  to be violent – verbally, physically or legally – is used by some ACoAs as a way of venting old pain on the world – anyone except facing the original perpetrators, if possible.
OR we may have tried every other avenue to resolve a problem, but to no avail. Then the only recourse left is to go after our tormentor directly, never considering “letting go”.

⚒ The dysfunctional ‘acting out’ of our rage is WIC’s response to decades of abuse & abandonment.  We’re not crazy, only traumatized
⚒ Continuing to be angry in the present is still wanting the impossible – to be loved & accepted by people who can not & will never be able to provide them!

✶ Remember: When we still over-react to a particular event – it does not mean all our recovery is invalidated. Nip any S-H in the bud! “Progress, NOT Perfection”

💥 Gossip Maliciously – almost any group of people in regular, long-term contact is prone to gossiping. Mostly it’s a common but unhealthy way to pass the time & connect with peers.
However, when ACoAs are in a rage at someone (X), we want to do harm, to make them look bad, in the same way we feel harmed. Then we :
• act like a victim, martyr, the ‘white hat’
• tell secrets we know about (X)
• make up false info to damage (X)‘s rep
• seduce others away from (X) – by shifting people’s allegiance to ourself

💥Make Fun Of – making jokes at someone’s expense ….  While gossip & teasing is indirect, this is a more obvious way to show anger at (Y). Sometimes we believe our meanness has been earned by (Y), at other times it’s just displacing our rage at someone else like a boss, parent or mate

EXPs: Jimmy is a popular techie at a big company, who likes to ‘stir the pot’, & gets away with a lot of bad behavior using charm & gossip.  He’s taken a special dislike to an older woman, who undeservedly reminds him of his alcoholic, controlling mother. He has a key chain ornament of a cow that mo-o-os when squeezed.  For months, every time he passes the woman, he squeezes the cow & smiles impishly.  To please him, all of his coworkers are also amused.  When reprimanded, he finally stops.

💥Sulk – ‘staring daggers’ , ‘if looks could kill’ ….↖️
While this too is about not talking (being mute), it is by no means passive.  Others can feel the rage emanating from us & generally stay Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.58.25 AMaway!
In this case, not saying anything may be that:
• it’s not appropriate right then (in public, at work…)
• we’re so unprepared for a nasty comment or shocked by a scary event, that we can’t find the words at that moment
• we’re afraid of our own intensity – that we’ll do some long-term damage, either physical or emotional, if we let fly
OR • we’re afraid of being punished if we speak up, & we could be

EXP: Zina worked for an active alcoholic who constantly pushed her buttons.  She didn’t know how to stand up for herself, felt she owed him for helping her out at the beginning, & didn’t want to lose her job. So she just fumed!
One day she overheard her boss telling someone: “That Zina has the loudest silences”! She was shocked because she hadn’t realized her (unexpressed) anger was radiating such intensity. It also made her see she needed to change jobs, which she eventually was able to do

💥Tease – always an indirect form of anger & is always abusive. It’s a way to ‘get back at’ someone by using a personal trait against them – their name, size, religion ethnicity, way of talking….. such as ‘hazing’ a new student or employee. It’s a form of adult scapegoating, & leaves permanent emotional scars if continually repeated.
But since teasing is couched in humor, it’s generally considered ‘good fun’, harmless & socially acceptable, therefore allowed & encouraged by others.
But teasing is toxic!

NEXT: ‘Responding Positively to Events’

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Fear)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

hiding 

I’M GONNA HIDE –
no, I’m gonna fix ‘em, or I could convince them…

PREVIOUS: Negative ReACTions to Events – intro

See post : “Fear is the Absence of Love”

 

 

3. ACTIONS (cont)
a. FEARFUL reactions to painful events
No matter what our reaction-style is, most of our fear is housed in the WIC ego state, accumulated in childhood & not yet cleaned out. So when an ‘Event’ touches that deep well of pain, we regress to our younger self

💧 Be Mute – probably the most common for ACoAs.  When we’re too scared, the thinking part of the brain (frontal cortex) shuts down, temporarily.  When the perceived danger is passed, the ‘computer’ lights up again. That’s why we only think of what to say AFTER the event – when it may be too late to respond.

— When possible, it’s perfectly ok to go back to someone later to ask what they meant, or to stand up for ourselves – but we rarely do.  Instead, we just obsess about what we ‘should’ have said & hate ourselves for being ‘weak’.withdraw

💧Isolate – this is more than just withdrawing from a particular person or place. It’s about hiding out like a wounded creature does, to lick its wounds. We’ve been abused for so long – first at home & then by others family, mates, bosses…. that damaged ACoAs aren’t as self-repairing as many animals.
Bad combination: weak boundaries, a lot of S-H, CDs & depression – make us stay in our cave & never want to come out.  If we dare to, & then someone steps on our toes – again – we scuttle back in to hide for another decade or so!

💧Justify / Over-explain – 2nd favorite reaction to being attacked OR caught in a mistake – which no one wants to hear!
The Event triggers so much S-H & anxiety, that the WIC has to convince the other person THAT:
— we’re not so bad, they got it all wrong, we couldn’t help it, what we really meant was….
So we go on & on, making a fool of ourselves! This is NOT the same as our Adult part being assertive by correcting a misunderstanding or stopping an abuse.

💧PeopScreen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.55.22 AMle-Please – many ACoAs are profoundly co-dependent – depending on others to give us an identity.  So:
— if someone is distant, self-centered or angry at us – we think it’s proof that we’re bad!
We’ll do anything to win them over.
AND
— if they seem to like us, we’ll do anything to keep them from changing their mind (even though we don’t believe anyone can really like us)

EXP:  Jose had a habit of being verbally abusive whenever he felt hurt. Skyia finally broke up with him after he threatened to beat her up for going to school in another state & leaving him behind.
Then he kept calling & texting, alternately begging her to come back or blaming her for making him so depressed that he landed in the hospital! She hated the disgusting names he called her, but felt so guilty for doing what she needed to, that she sent him $1,000!

Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.50.00 AMReminder: Many ACoAs have some form of anxiety disorder (intense undifferentiated fear), as a result of natural sensitivity PLUS being survivors of incest, physical abuse, emotional torture & neglect….
making it hard to cope under pressure or be around people who are impatient &/or demanding.
SO – we need to be extra gentle with ourselves, yet never give up!

💧Withdraw – we’re so hurt by a person or situation that all we can do is pull away – permanently – instead of speaking up for ourselves. The stressor may have been caused by a boss, a teacher, a friend….
—> This response would be appropriate if the choice was made by the Adult part of us, as a self-caring decision to stay away from bad places/ people.
But for many ACoAs, the WIC is in charge, only focused on distancing to not get re-wounded, by putting up a thick wall, while still carrying resentment & anxiety because the conflict never gets cleared up.

NEXT: Negative ReACTions (Anger)

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Intro)

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confused man  

IT TOO HARD TO BE IN THE WORLD –
Should I hide or attack?

PREVIOUS: EMOTIONS re. Events #2

REVIEW previous posts

 

3. ACTIONS re. painful Events (blue oval)
It’s inevitable that we’ll take some type of ‘action’ in response to a stressful EVENT.  What kind will depend on our native personality & the specific CONCLUSIONS we draw about it.

• ACoAs are not readily aware of our thoughts (beliefs) or emotion. So, when triggered, we just re-act. It can happen so fast that it seems we have no control of our behavior, which may be verbal &/or physical, driven either by terror or rage.

• It’s normal for humans to be angry when hurt, frustrated or scared. Anger is simply the psychic energy needed to prepare for action, & is a fitting response to harmful situations.
Anger & Fear are on opposite sides of Plutchik’s  Emotion Wheel. To heal, fearful ACoAs need to connect with their anger, &  those steeped in rage need to get in touch with the fear & sadness underneath.  The key is Balance.
🥶
FEAR-driven Actions / non-actions
• COVERT: ACoAs trained to not be angry are afraid to feel it now –  crippled by that suppression! Without healthy anger we’re depressed, feel stuck, AND can’t stop others from mistreating us

🌪 Fear EXP : Unhealed use of the 3 Circles 
EVENT (condition): Unrecovered ACoA Shakeera is dating a complicated young man – sometimes thoughtful, smart & sensitive, other times self-pitying & whiny. When he’s depressed & needy he threatens suicide, can’t look for work & lives off of Shakeera’s income.
Her Emotions: panic, compassion, pity, love, disgust, rage

 + CONCLUSIONS (thoughts) – When he’s in a good space, Shakeera thinks he’s the best, ever!  When he’s very down, her co-dependence kicks in :
“I have to fix this mess / I know how to help him – I’ll tell him all the ways he can get his life together / He just has to be ok, I can’t stand this / I feel humiliated being with such a looser”….

= ACTIONS: Shakeera alternately bullies him to ‘get it together’, gives him endless advice, tells him what he did wrong OR listens for hours to his self-hate & joins him in a depressed stupor
• He doesn’t change & she gets more frustrated. None of her actions help either of them!  Her FoA (FEAR of abandonment) keeps her trying to cure him – so she doesn’t have to leave!
😡
ANGER-driven Actions
Our behavior can tell us which ego state is in charge at the moment & how healed or unhealed a particular button is.  How we act out our rage may be —
— the same way our parents reacted to stress, or
— how we were allowed to behave as kids, or
— how we’d have liked to react, back then, but knew it was too Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.40.57 AMdangerous to do so

• OVERT: some ACoAs react with hostility too readily, when the WIC feels abandoned. We get nasty & more controlling, or unfairly cut someone off. This can hurts us just as much as the other person, since rage pushes others away & we’re already feeling unwanted & unloved!

▶ BUT, don’t let the self-help gurus tell you not to FEEL angry!  ACoAs have a lot of it pent-up from childhood abuse (plus bad adult experiences) which needs to be gotten out of our system – appropriately. What’s important to our Recovery is how we ACT.

💥 Anger EXP : Unhealed use of the 3 Circles 
EVENT: Sal hates being bothered by people in public places. One night he gets on an almost empty bus, on his way home from work. A smelly bag-lady gets on at the next stop, looks around & sits down right next to Sal!
His Emotions: revulsion, anger, frustration, superiority

+ CONCLUSIONS (thoughts) – “Why does this always have to happen to me?! There are 20 other seats she could have picked! Why ME?? Why do I attract the crazies? Me, only me!” (CDs: ‘Personalization, Egocentric & Can’t Stand It’)

= ACTIONS: Sal starts yelling at the woman & gets off the bus at the next stop. He keeps talking about the incident, repeating it over & over the next day to everyone he can corner
• He’s taken this personally, feeling like a victim, trying to get validation & sympathy. The woman could have either been lonely &/or wanted to bum some change.  It was never about him!

NEXT: Negative  reACTions (Fear)

ACoA EMOTIONS re. Painful Events (Part 1)

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  notice feelingsI DON’T WANNA FEEL!
besides, I’m not supposed to

PREVIOUS: CONCLUSIONS re. painful Events (2c)

 

Q: So – what’s being ignored in this CHART’s equation ⬇️ ? (E + C = A):  ANS: our EMOTIONS! 


Each EVENT (green oval) that upsets us generates several emotions. We can
• be very upset (anxiety or rage) without ‘hearing’ the thoughts behind it (pink circle), OR
• only have ‘squirl-in-a-cage’ mentality (pink) without connecting it to emotions underneath (blank), and
• often not even connect our reaction to an Event (green) that set off the obsession!

Even though something or someone has hurt us, we minimize or deny it. We may not be clear what emotions come up because of a stressful Event, but we certainly don’t want to focus on them. Think T.Cause & EffectE.A. Without doing FoO & emotion-release work, we act out** those Es by:
🌀 constantly complaining, dissociating, districting ourselves, endless worry, (T), forgetting an important appointment (A), getting sick, verbally attacking someone / anyone (T), or just being paralyzed

** ACTing OUT : compulsive behavior (A) (action or non-action) which expresses emotions not consciously experienced at the time

ACoAs were taught from infancy to negate or suppress our Es, especially any that weren’t acceptable in our original home.
⚒ for some – anger/ rage was the norm
⚒ for others – only being emotionally UP was allowed! And,
⚒ for many – having no emotions was the absolute rule – “DON’T FEEL”

So, what Emotions should we be aware of, when something affects us?
If the WIC is the one reacting to an Event, we’re likely to feel the same ones we had as kids – only more intensely, because of accumulation. That’s ok – it gives us important info about our past

What’s important is allowing ourselves to have the feeling, understand what button is being triggered, comfort the WIC, AND practice healthier ways to behave that will benefit us

Re. NEGATIVE THINKING (Parts 1a-b and 2 a-c)
ACoAs are not usually in touch with what’s hiding behind the screen of negative self-talk (pink circle). These underlying emotions (Es) fit into the space between ‘Event’ & ‘Conclusion’ on the chart.

They remain invisible to the person in the grip of a regression – which is when we’re automatically thrown back into our traumatic past, as if we’re still a powerless child in a scary family

Being regressed in the present means the Event touched a hot button of damage that’s still raw.  So when anything or anyone bumps up against a particular wound formed back then, we react with intense anxiety or rage, such as when we’re being:
• ignored, not responded to right away, waiting too long
• accused wrongly – of anything
• stood up, or being let down (we take people too literally!)
• controlled (told what to do)….

EXP: If you’re walking around with a physical sore that’s very painful but not visible, and someone accidentally pushes hard against you in rush hour, aggravating the ache, how do you react?
ACoAs will typically – go into a rage at the person and the whole world, OR apologize to them, OR feel sorry for ourselves, sulk & wonder why this is happening to me!

• The same kind of intensity to certain Events are emotional over-reactions (“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”). We really hate to be told this, because it sounds like our experience & pain is being negated – just like at home!  This is NOT what is meant.
❥ We can tell the difference by checking our level of awareness when an unwounded part of us is bumped into – we barely notice, or we don’t mind, or just don’t care

• Yes, unpleasant encounters do cause us pain, but it’s often out of proportion to the situation. Any intense reaction to normal, imperfect human situations (not pleasant BUT not really awful) comes from our Wounded Inner Child —
who is not actually living in ‘present time’, has unhealed emotional wounds, is still taking things personally, feels unloved & unprotected – at least about that particular issue.

NEXT: ‘ReACTing Negatively to Events’

ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 

THEY JUST WANT TO HURT ME
– & I hate everyone!

PREVIOUS: OUR THINKING (#1b)

5 POSTS: Emotional abuse

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


2. CONCLUSIONS – OUR THINKING (cont)
💦 It’s ALL ME (victim)

🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – Perpetrators
THEY are crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!

NOTE : Parts 1 a-b & 2 a-c are about what ACoAs THINK, when having a painful run-in with someone. Depending on the type of Ts (thoughts / beliefs / assumptions / judgements), how we behave tells us which specific but disowned emotions are triggered – anger, paranoia, fear or counter-phobia (between green & pink)

🔻 Being a “Perpetrator” is not always about committing a crime, domestic abuse or sexual assault. It can show up as being a “negative downer, passive-aggressive , withholding ….”, & often comes in the form of “blaming-the victim”, as many of othinling re eventsur parents did – which is emotionally assaultive

When telling our parents about being mistreated in the neighborhood, at school, a boyfriend, a boss…. we heard : “So, what did you do?” Their cruelty enraged us, but set the model for becoming a blamer as well

The Co-dependent Triangle – Victim. Perpetrator. Rescuer,
(stay away, or push away or connect by placating)
Every ACoA can switch between them at a moment’s notice – depending on the person or situation, but some live in one role more than the others

🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!
⚙️Our Core emotion is ANGER

i. PERPETRATORS
In the ‘CONCLUSIONS’ category, the opposite reactions to Victim is expressed by the overtly rageful ACoAs. These attack anything & anyone we think have hurt us, whether real or not, because we can’t bear to take any responsibility for our T.E.A.s!

We passionately believe all our troubles are always other people’s fault – no matter how minor or unimportant the situation – & not just occasionally, as everyone sometimes feels, but as a life-pattern
EXP:
Carl is having a bad week. His computer isn’t working right & he can’t figure it out.  He gets an unexpected bill in the mail, & there’s no hot water.  He makes it to an interview for a gig but the club owner never shows, & to top it off, someone cuts him off on the way home.

He’s in a rage! He storms around, yelling at anyone who gets in his way. He’s so upset that he drives too fast & almost gets in an accident! “That @%!! incompetent  Â؈ÒÏ! I can’t believe the stupidity! They shouldn’t be allowed to live”…!

•Yes, S— happens – often out of our control, although not every day! But Ragers can’t bear to ever feel powerless, so we use the defense of Blaming all our pain on others. It does not mean we should be blaming ourselves.

This approach to life is just as narcissistic as the Victims’ – “Everything is about me” – just from opposite poles. Both types are convinced we’re the butt of a cosmic joke, the universe is the cause of our suffering, dedicated to preventing us from being happy or getting our most fundamental needs met – to be loved & feel safe.

Negative THINKING
While the overtly fearful ACoAs believe they have caused every tragedy, the obviously angry ones feel victimized & totally blameless. They step on other people’s feelings & barely notice. They complain, complain, complain – not an a whiney way, but with criticism, cynicism, judgement, & sarcasm.

Their general attitude is:
• Nothing is my fault or responsibility
• Nothing matters but MY needs, opinions & feelings
• Everything & everyone is doing / not doing – something – TO me.
• Everyone (but me) is weak & stupid!
• Every delay, disappointment, flaw, mistake… from others, is disrespectful & a personal affront

EXPs: • You’re always — . You never —-
• Everyone’s so ignorant – I can’t have a decent conversation
• This place is too small. I just can’t stand it
• Look at that ugly dress. How can she show her face?
• What a lousy movie & waste of my time
• This food is awful – send it back! & the waiters are so lazy
• Look at that stupid driver. Get off the road!
• That’s HOW much? That’s outrageous
• Going there was a waste of my money ….

NEXT: CONCLUSIONS – Paranoia (2b)

ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (Part 1a)

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I’M SUCH A FAILURE!
I can’t get anything right

PREVIOUS:  Noticing Painful Events  (Part 2)

REVIEW posts : “What just happened”

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


1. EVENTS – the Stimulus

2. CONCLUSIONS (our THINKING)
Here is another use of T.E.A. (Thought, Emotions & Actions ). The middle circle (in pink) is about how we mentally (Ts) assess or try to explain any event that’s upsetting.
🙄 A common reaction is to ‘be in our head“, endlessly obsessing, without ever understanding the situation (T) or resolving it appropriately (A).
REMEMBER – “crazy” is mental (what we think / believe), not emotional

Most ACoAs grow up convinced we’re crazy!  We say we feel crazy, or that we’re going crazy, or we afraid of being crazy.
Well, most ACoAs are NOT, but we came to believe it because – while our emotions & observations told us that a lot was seriously wrong with family, school, church….
the grown-ups kept telling us our opinions were way off base, & anyway we were the problemCause & Effect

Reminder: ‘Painful events’ may be situations that :
a. are accidental, because people are just busy or preoccupied
b. we run into in the course of everyday living (rudeness, ignorance, delays…)
c. are genuinely insulting, shaming or otherwise abusive

We can instantly react (As), out of our conscious control  = yelling, sulking, blaming….. or just spend all our time worrying.
If we pay attention, those reactions will give us an idea of what we’re actually thinking.
HINT – that the painful event is :
💦ONLY /all about ME, & we’re the Victim (V), creating FEAR , OR
🔩ONLY /all about the OTHER person, as Perpetrator (P), creating our ANGER

💦 IT’S ALL ME – It’s my fault, I’m bad, dumb, weak, lazy….
• Whenever ACoAs experience a painful event or loss we try to make sense of it. The WIC always thinks they’re the source or cause – that we should have been able to prevent it.
The Adult in us may know this is not true. Others are also not in control of every outcome, but they are responsible for their beliefs, decisions & actions (not us), whether they acknowledge it or not

EXP:  It’s sad to think of JFK Jr. – his very bad decision to fly with a broken leg, without a co-pilot or auto-pilot, in predicted bad weather – ended in disaster. Accident? Yes, but his unwise choices contributed.

• ALL ACoAs start out from this premise (Self-Hate) & then layer it over with a variety of defenses. When something doesn’t work out, or someone hurts us / ignores us / leaves us…. we try to analyze what we did wrong & how we can fix it. We obsess for days, sometimes years about a painful situation, always from self-blame.

➼ Unhealed ACoAs have a wide streak of narcissism – mainly in the form of: EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME!  but you may be saying “What, it’s not??”
It’s our default position, & continues as long as the WIC is in charge of our life.

EXP:  Extrovert Maria is in a night-school computer class with 6 other adults, 5 men & one other woman. Maria glances at her several times, hoping to connect, but the woman blatantly ignores her. Maria’s not just disappointed, she’s hurt. There’s a pain in her gut: “Nobody likes me!”

EXP:  Felicia was in great distress. She’d invited her family to visit her at college, so they drove down to see her. On their way another car plowed into them, causing a huge accident & her brother was killed. That was enough of a heart breaker – but her CD added to it. She kept saying: ”If only I hadn’t asked them to visit, he’d still be alive!” – tortured by thinking she has that kind of power

REALITY: There are times when we have made a wrong choice, but self-abuse does not help us learn from the error or improve our options in the future. S-H is a lie & therefore SELF-DEFEATING. It’s based on a false sense of power, but it’s still false.

Once the UNIT kicks in, that perspective greatly diminishes. There’s a big difference between believing we’re responsible for everything (grandiosity) vs being appropriately responsible for our T.E.A.s

NEXT: CONCLUSIONS  (Part 1b)

NOTICING Painful EVENTS

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IT’S EVERYWHERE!
life is full of pain

PREVIOUS: What just happened – 30 Qs

 

 

1. EVENT – the Stimulus (Green Oval)
Growing up with emotional & physical stress, we became hyper-alert to our environment, developing big antennae to catch even a whiff of dangerdoor slam

Early sources:  Being kept awake late, even on school nights, waiting anxiously to hear what state dad was in coming home – how did the car sound, how hard was the front door slammed, how heavy were the footsteps, which room was he going into…?

Was there going to be a fight – yelling, hitting – or worse, a ‘visit’ to your bed…?  trying to sleep with one foot on the floor, hating mornings, knowing you’d be a mess at school the next day, as usual being constantly worried…..

This endless pressure has left many of us with only 2 options:
⚠️ Vagueness: the ACoAs who seem to be so out-to-lunch that you wouldn’t think they are actually over-attentive. It’s why they need to be flaky, because internally they’re under overwhelming tension, but it’s split off from their own awareness –  (dissociation)
♨️ Hyper-vigilance: other ACoAs are noticeably anxious, worried, controlling, touchy, always looking around, easily taking offense (sitting with their back to any available wall!) – waiting to be attacked by others
🌀 Some of the paranoia comes from having a BadParent camera over one shoulder, constantly judging everything we say, do, think & feel

We’re still so focused on the possibility of being abused &/or abandoned – again – that we either isolate too much, are belligerent & difficult, or super people-pleaCause & Effectsers.
So every Event that upsets, hurts, disappoints & scares us becomes a cause for emotional drama

▶ Approaches to EVENTS (present day)
CO-DEPENDENCE: disturbing situations are a challenge for the Rescuer to throw all their energy into fixing – the other person or event
COUNTER-PHOBIA: at the other extreme, we look for the most dangerous, drama-filled events to get involved with, while ignoring / denying / swallowing the pain it causes us

ISOLATION / Victim: having been hurt by so many people & events, we starve ourselves of potential benefits in the world, instead of ‘dealing & healing’

PARANOIA: the assumption is that the ‘universe’ (everyone & everything) is deliberately targeting us, to cause our suffering. We ignore all the good things in our life, OR explain them away as an accident, a fake / scam or “they’re just being polite”
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SCAPEGOAT / Victim:  we feel blamed for everything that goes wrong, which we agree with. It causes great anxiety & constant anger, but we don’t try to correct it

EXP of ‘Events’ = YOU are :
• going for an interview & do your best, but you’re not called back
• having lunch with a group of casual friends & new acquaintances.  Everyone seems easily engaged in conversation with their neighbors, & almost no-one has talked to you the whole time

• a new members of a long-standing group, out for coffee with them after a meeting. On the way, they all pair up, talking to each other, but no one walks with you – you’re all alone at the back of the ‘line’
• trying to cross a busy street & just then a cab turns the corner, almost hitting you
•  walking down the hall at work, & yet again Georgia  / Sam…. doesn’t acknowledge you

➼ Any of these may create a painful reaction in us. Our observation of the occurrence is accurate – it really did happen.  However – they triggered familiar cognitive distortions (CDs), which make the events more disturbing. That’s where we go off the rails.

‘EVENTS’ can be:
a. Neutral / mild : everyday situations that are not really bad, like – someone in the subway bumping into you, not getting that text you’re waiting for, a delivery being late….
b. Mild / bothersome: occasional annoyances that may or may not be aimed at you, like a rude salesman, your boss angry at you, getting a ticket, your child having trouble with a neighbor……
c. Severe: really painful encounters, like – a parent ignoring you or being cruel, a big fight with a BFF or spouse, your child getting arrested because of drugs….

• Each category will test our ‘mental health quotient’ – how realistic or distorted our thinking is, which will then govern how we act.

NEXT: Noticing painful events (Part 2)

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? – 30 Qs (Part 4)

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wondering 

I’M DETERMINED –
I’m gonna figure it out!!

PREVIOUS: What just Happened (Part 3)

Please read / review Parts 1-3 before answering these questions

 

Suggestions
a. Read all the Qs first & if you feel overwhelmed, leave it overnight. Don’t wait much longer or you’ll lose info.  No S-H allowed!!
b. Write down as much or as little as you can – it can never be ‘perfect’. You can skip any that are not relevant or you don’t know about
c. Go back to it later, more than once if need be, to fill in any blanks
d. Make sure you only take responsibility for your side of the street & no more. Both of you contributed something, even indirectly.
➼ DATE & save all entries.
INVENTORY
Re. YOU
1. What actually happened – list as many facts as you can remember (I did/said… they did/said…) Ask anyone else who may have been there what they remember
2. If relevant, list what was going on with you or what was happening just before the encounter –  what state of mind were you in during the previous few days?

3. If there was any anticipation, what were you feeling & thinking before the event? Was there something you wanted? Were looking forward to? Needed from the person or situation?
expectations
4. What did you expect would happen on this occasion?
a. Consciously – looking forward to? Afraid of?
b. Semi-consciously – what did you secretly assume or expect?
➼ We can often tell this by intense disappointment!

5. If it was an unexpected & unprovoked encounter (by you), what state were you in at the time? (Vulnerable, needy, generally angry, sad, overwhelmed, in physical pain…)
6. How were you feeling emotionally (E) during the interchange?  List as many Es as you can
OR Ask: If I had been feeling something, what might it have been?

7. What were you thinking (T) during the interchange, that you didn’t say? What do you think / conclude, now, that you’ve had time to reflect?
8. What did your WIC ‘hear’ them saying (an implied judgement, accusations, insult….) which also often came from our family?
It may have been hurtful, OR it’s your interpretation of their comments

9. Are you surprised/ shocked by the event? Is it something you could have predicted or anticipated, based on previous experience?
10. Why do you think they triggered you so much?

Re. THEM
1. What’s your connection to this person, if any?
2. If you do know them, what has your relationship been like, over all? How do you think about them?
3. Did they act in a familiar way? How, exactly?Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.57.35 AM
4. What did you observe about this other person during the interchange?

5. If you didn’t know them, what information did they give you about themselves – direct or by implication? (people always do!)
6. What did your intuition tell you about their attitude, their state of mind, their abilities, their ego state…no matter how brief? Is it familiar?
REMEMBER:  When you know a song well, you only have to hear a few bars hummed to identify it!

7. What did their behavior, emotions & words tell you about who they are (this is about FACTS, not a hatchet job) – Angry, needy, controlling, manipulative…/
8. Who do they remind you of (usually a family member)?
9. What were they actually telling you? This is not a guess. Most people say things with some kind of subtext, altho’ not always unkind
10. What does your gut and head tell you about dealing with them in the future?

CONCLUSIONS
1. Looking back, what did I observe about myself in that situation, old or new?
2. What have I realized, that I’d rather not have admitted –
a. about myself
b. about the other person

3. What actions would I like to take, as a result of this interchange?
a. ignore the whole thing
b. let it simmer some more, need time to calm down before saying anythingScreen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.57.10 AM
c. need more time to process it myself. May want to run it by a few trusted people.
d. jump right in & let them know what I think! What are the consequences likely to be?

4. Did I learn anything useful, that I can apply to this or other relationships, in the future?
5. What do I need to work on? Improve? Modify or change?
6. What can I take with we for any future conversations?
7. What do I need to practice saying, over & over, to be better prepared for similar situations?

8. Am I proud of anything, in this situation? Did I act or talk better – more self esteem-able, more from the Healthy Adult? Was I more appropriately restrained?
9. Was there anything I enjoyed about the situation, was amused by, found intriguing, surprised by?
10. What does my IC need to hear from my Loving Inner Parent, when thinking (T) about this event?

(© Donna M Torbico, 2011)

No matter what you uncover, do not let the IC go into S-H, nor let the PP beat you up!  This is valuable info for YOUR growth!

NEXT:  Noticing Painful events – #1